Monday, February 11, 2002

I feel like I owe it to myself to keep writing here. Honestly, it doesn't seem like my entries are especially well formed, or understandable to someone outside this circle of anguish (wow! that sounds angsty). Maybe its just one of many different therapies I'm indulging in, trying to restore what is a very sore heart. It's alot of hurt to take in over less than a week. I wish I was a filmmaker, or a novelist, or maybe just a writer for a soap opera--In a way, all this is so surreal, all of the things that have been said and done (or not done) I don't honestly think anyone could have guessed.

Where do Dave and I stand now? Well, in the end I'll have all I hoped for: I get him back after the month is over. I'm not sure how exactly that's going to be. I mean, I know he didn't mean for me to go through such hurt, but I did. There are alot of issues I can't bring up here, because they are not my issues alone, so if all this sounds like a big hubub over nothing, believe me it's not. I told my friend Mary Beth (who is also a part of all of this mess) that all I can do is keep wishing that we're at the end of this mess, not the beginning of a new one. She told me that ever time she thinks that, something new comes up to complicate matters. I think that has been what is worst about all this: it was one complication after another. It was infidelity, and lust, and suffocation, and, I think, it was growing up, just a little. I like to think we're at the end. I like to hope. It's all I've got.

What has been most suprising has been how it seems to be ending--Dave and I are going to start over again, as are some other folks. But he still wants some time off. God, but I'll give him anything if it will make him happy and ready to come back. But I have to admit I'm jealous of those who get to eat dinner with him, go to taco bell with him, and hang out with him, while I'm not there. I'm finally ok with other people dating Dave during this time (although supposedly nobody is), but it doesn't mean I'm thrilled about it. But hey, it's not the deadly sort of jealousy, so venomous you poison yourself with envy. No, I've somehow managed to not feel that way--a tremendous effort on my part. There were times when I have felt quite protective of him, but maybe that's me being protective of myself. I guess this will be my new trial: sharing him with another girl, even if it's just as friends. But I've got to be fair: I'm supposed to get him for the rest of my life--perhaps I should not be so selfish?

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