AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/16/2008 03:12:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Itchy!</b>

When it comes to allergies, I’ve been a pretty lucky girl all my life.  My brother had a “rain nose” that always got congested when precipitation was immenent.  Both my siblings had lactose intolerance—breaking out in hives when they ate ice cream.  Aside from some dry winter skin issues, I’ve had very little to complain about.  

Until THIS spring.

I’m really happy spring is here; it’s been forever in coming after the winter we had here in Madison.  But this week has been a rough introduction to what I *think* may be seasonal allergies.  I’ve been super groggy at random intervals.  Lots more sneezes.  But the worse has been in the last day or two: ridiculous itching all over, especially my face.  I just feel like I’m wearing a wool bodysuit and ski mask—and I just wish I could hop out of my skin for an hour or two.  I’ve been joking that I’m allergic to lab. . .  but actually it doesn’t get any better once I’m in doors at work.  Hmmm.  

Regardless, it’s just driving me a bit nutso.  I keep recalling that episode of Star Trek: Next Generation where Counselor Troy, her mom, and some other folks all end the episode soaking in a mud bath, and just wishing I had a holideck of my own.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/13/2008 11:12:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Procrastinatory</b>

I have this recurring nightmare. . . I haven’t had it recently, but that doesn’t mean I can forget it.  I’m assigned a huge project, and I have no idea how to DO it.  Suddenly it’s the day before the project is due and here I am, unforgivably behind schedule with no idea how to even get it started.  

Graduate school has reminded me of this dream again and again.  A huge project that I’m afraid to even start, and that I’ll never finish in time.  Mess.  Failure.  Everyone else in class humming along and me simply LOST.  It’s the classic nightmare of the professional student, because your whole life is egged on by the good grades and test scores.  And in graduate school, the grades fall away and the guidelines for this assignment are woefully unclear.  

But there’s this mind-trick I’m trying to employ, similar to the one I used to complete papers I didn’t want to start in college.  Pretend it’s all a joke.  Write the crappiest paper you can, and cover the pages in no time.  The very idea of writing an excellent paper leaves me 100% overwhelmed.  Writing this paper will take forever.  It will stress me out, even more than *thinking* about writing it is.  These are both lies that my brain tells me.  So I have to be trickier than it is.  I have to convince that voice that this isn’t a real paper.  This is a hilarious spoof paper that can be unforgivably incorrect.  

Eventually, I’ll go back through and edit it into something real and accurate.  And then the blank page is defeated.  But my brain is being really stubborn this time.  Grrrr.  

So I am feeling very procrastinatory today, and that stresses me out (on top of the stress that is making me procrastinate).  It’s really silly.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/02/2008 01:18:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/i8WoyPEVRFo' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/i8WoyPEVRFo'/></object></p><p>Leslie Hall is a breath of fresh, bedazzled air.  </p></div><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/24/2008 11:05:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Firing on *some* cylinders</b>

Ugh, I’m not sure if I’ve come down with something or not, but I’m not feeling the awesomest this here mornin’. . .

It could be stress-related, since I’ve been fretting hard over when I’m going to graduate (it’s a cyclical thing, and I’m a bit past it now but I’m sure I’ll be back here again).  It continues to take me by surprise how emotional anguish can translate into flat-out physical illness.  Grad school is not healthy.  When I’m feeling most positive about the experience, I can say that grad school is nutritional for other parts of a person:  it builds emotional endurance and encourages you to admit you need help and advice.  Of course, I went to grad school hoping to learn awesome techniques and become a better researcher. . . hmm.  

Of course, my mother is always right.  That’s another lesson I keep learning.  When things recently seemed insurmountable, I remembered mom right before the wedding.  She said: “You know, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I just close my eyes and mentally ask for help.  And usually, help shows up.”

So heck, that’s what I did.  I closed my eyes and admitted I needed help, and asked for help.  And some help did come in from outside sources: I got some cool microscopy pic’s for lab meeting from a fellow researcher.  Andy continued to be superhumanly supportive (how does he DO that?).  And I talked over the whole graduation thing with my boss, and got a better sense of what his expectations where.  

One of my “life goals” is to translate nervous energy and worry into ACTION instead of fretting over it.  I don’t think I can ever stop worrying, but maybe I can limit the time the worry has me.

Oh well, I guess I just want to encourage everyone to remember mom’s advice.  Admitting you need help means you’re ready to receive help, and if it’s psychic magic or simple mental therapy. . . it works, man.  It works.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/21/2008 03:02:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Times are a bit tougher</b>

Yeah, I’ve got no real right to complain.  Life is good, and the future’s so bright I’ve gotta wear shades.

But I’m having a bit of a tough time right now.  I’m getting near the end of graduate school, and that leads to the inevitable nausea about when I might finish and how I’m going to transition from graduate school onward.  I have learned that I am absolutely a chronic worrier, and though I’ve gotten better at silencing that inner-worry-monologue it’s hard to ignore on this topic.  I mean, what am I going to do?  Will Andy and I finish near the same time?  What will we do if we don’t?  

And it just spirals out from there.  Usually I’m pretty good at keeping it quiet, but right now I’m having trouble with that.  So I’m admitting that here in the hopes it will help, and asking for warm fuzzies and good thoughts to help me work through it again.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/17/2008 10:32:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Spring, she's a-comin in for a landing!</b>

Ok, so only a few flowers have popped up, but it's enough, man.  It's enough!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/14/2008 11:17:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>All I can say is. . . </b>

thank goodness it is sunny today.  If we had another grey, rainy, cold week, I think I’d have to just stay underneath my blankets and wait it out.  Regardless, it’s a Monday: I’m tired and wish I had 2 Sundays instead of just one.  The balls of my feet feel like they have gravel in them.  My legs and back twinge every time I try to move somewhere.  But it was all worth it, because the Spring UW Bellydance show was a grand success.  

Mainly I’m sore because I took the Tunisian Dance workshop all day (2 sessions of 2+hours dancing).  I really enjoyed the workshop, but I did start to crash a bit by hour four.  I’ve decided the T in Tunisian stands for “twist” because you do a lot of that, instead of moving your hips up and down.  It’s a very playful style!  <object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/0d0NaF9Zk5Y&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="https://www.youtube.com/v/0d0NaF9Zk5Y&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

 
The show itself was just awesome, even if I was a little worn out.  The beginner’s piece ladies all got ready waaay early, so we had plenty of time to snap photos and be maybe ridiculously girly and excited.  This is one of the things I’m digging about bellydance: spending time with other ladies in a fun, cooperative way.  Yeah, I realize that there are still catfights and general drama in the community, but it’s also . . . .well, I kinda cringe to use the words “supportive” and “empowering” because geez it starts to sound like a Hallmark Classic TV movie.  But really, it’s a group of women cheering each other on for expressing their beauty and joy.  It can be competitive, but being in this group feels more about teamwork and waaaay too much laughing.  

Point being, while I was happy to have my Sunday practice-free, I already missed everybody.  
Fortunately, it looks like we’ll be performing the piece in Lacrosse, WI in two weeks ?

The audience was really enthusiastic for our piece, which made it so easy to perform with a huge smile.  And I got to see some fantastic professional dancers, including my not-so-secret favorite Sonya, who did an amazing veil routine that bordered on magical.  It was sort of similar to <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=JcpjBrcsIAQ">THIS ONE.</a>  

Sunday was a blur of sleeping in and driving about with Andy.  Last night, I dreamt I was working at Jurassic Park, thinking back nonchalantly on how I’d dealt with both T-Rex and raptor breakouts.  And now here I am, back to Science and Monday!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/08/2008 12:45:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The semi-monthly UGH</b>

The weather is such a tease here in Madison.  It was GLORIOUS this weekend: temps in the mid 60’s, sunny, birds-a-singing.  Then Monday flopped down with grey skies and a return to the 40’s—which at this point last month I would have greeted readily.  It’s crappy.  

The bright note is the big spring show on Saturday.  Our beginner’s group is really ready for it: we’ve had plenty of time to perfect the piece.  But between Tuesday and Saturday is a sea of things to do, you know?  

My writing minicourse seems pretty fun.  Right now there are two of us in the class, and I’m trying to not dominate every conversation or ramble on like I do on paper.  The tough part is something I forgot about creative writing classes:  I have an ingrained obsession with doing assignments EXACTLY the way the teacher says.  I want to always get it perfect.  But with creative writing, man, you can’t ever expect an assignment to BE exact or specific.  It gives me a continual square peg, round hole feeling.  That feeling is nutritional, I know.  Regardless, it’s excellent to be around other obsessive journalers . . . even if it can encourage excessive journaling and temporary inability to shut off my inner dialog.  

Today is just jam-packed with stuff, and I’m going to have to give up going to the Rosalind Franklin seminar (BOOO!).  Tonight’s swim class, break&refuel&shower, and then intermediate club practice.  Then, hopefully, as much sleep as I can humanly get.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/02/2008 08:50:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>One Show Down. . . </b>

Woot!  Ok, so the Thursday night performance was grand, though I *know* I almost keeled over during a kick move, but hopefully the video doesn't reveal that.  At our latest critique it was pointed out that only one girl in the video looked happy, and that girl wasn't me :(  However an addendum was made that "Teal" was also looking happy.  And ladies and gents, I'm the one wearing teal!  

Anyway, I've got to hustle to an early lab meeting, but wanted to share my distinct excitement at 2 things: 

1.  I'm on facebook now, and I had no idea that pretty much everyone I know is on THERE, as opposed to Myspace.  Yay for being a bit more social!

2.  The line up for the spring bellydance show sounds awesome and includes Sonya, who is a personal favorite of mine.  She looks all sweet but dances up a freaking storm.  <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zx2MxOVp1Rk">Check out her video if you want!</a>

I can only dream that someday I'll be able to dance a fraction as well!!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/27/2008 02:30:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>First Big Show!</b>

Tonight will be the first public performance for our beginner’s group!  After weeks of practicing and the last-minute addition of swirly skirts, we’re ready to show our stuff.  I’ve been on stage before, but it hasn’t been since oh, around age 10 that I’ve been performing dance and dance alone—and NEVER bellydance.  Maybe it’s no small coincidence that my parents recently sent me photos including one of my dance recital outfits—a 6 year old Amber in a yellow-and-black-tiger print catsuit complete with ears and tail!  I had forgotten how many years of my youth were spent in dance class, how immersed in it I had been.  

Another nexus of coincidences:  

My horoscope for this week from <a href="http://freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/leo.html">Freewill Astrology</a>:  
<i>Author Rick Fields wrote about the time a friend called to recommend a workshop he'd signed up for. "You've got to come," the friend said. "This seminar will completely change your life in one brief weekend." Fields was skeptical. "I don't want to completely change my life this weekend," he replied. "I've got a lot of things to do on Monday." I urge you, Leo, to adopt a similar stance toward any big educational experiences that promise to dislodge you from your routine. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, the astrological omens suggest you'll benefit from responding to invitations that just might thoroughly upgrade your world very quickly. </i>

I was scanning the minicourse offerings for this spring (how I originally got involved in bellydance) and came across a workshop titled “Field Journaling for Heart, Art, and Science.”  Here is the description: 

<i>Have you ever wished you could write about your favorite park or capture on pen the lines and colors of a Mendota sunset? How exactly does one bring a sense of place into their work and lives? Turn field notes into stories of your own. Writing informed by the field can make for vivid stories. Learn how to create that sense of place, incorporate science and observation and expand your powers of illustration. We will journal through a variety of field exercises for observation, description, drawing, and documentation. Non-drawers and writers are encouraged to attend and be delighted and surprised by your ability to journal. Please bring a notebook/journal with you and clothing suitable for spending time outdoors. 3 meetings. INSTRUCTOR: Erin Schneider is an experienced educator, amateur naturalist/writer and a lover of people, place, and parsnips.</i>

Journaling has always been one of my passions.  I feel pretty mutable and distractible in most pursuits, but I can’t NOT journal, really.  It’s always going on in my head and I so I write it down to keep it from getting even more crowded up there.  This workshop just seems right up my alley.  Furthermore, my horoscope suggested being open to experiences/seminars that might vastly change my life in a weekend.  

The final snippet that, to me, completes the coincidence triangle: the instructor is coordinator for <a href="http://www.macsac.org/">community supported agriculture in Madison</a>.  In a nutshell, CSA’s allow folks in the community to buy shares of local farmer’s crops, thereby supporting local agriculture AND providing people local produce.  Andy and I bought a share for this summer, so every other week we’ll get a box chock full of good veggies and fruits.  This is the first year we’re doing this and so I enjoyed the coincidence that the teacher of the workshop I want coordinates this as well.  

I’m not making some grand prediction that my life will change OR really putting much weight in it.  Though my family isn’t especially religious, we were raised to be mindful of “synchronicity” where strange coincidences may reveal a pattern or two.  So we’ll see!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/25/2008 10:35:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>OCD Listing</b>

Hmmm, I seem to be in a little trough of nervous anxiety? this is pretty typical for that space of time after a great relaxing vacation when I’m trying to ramp back up into productivity.  It’s the hiccups and gasps of my engine, I guess, trying to catch.  

I’m waiting for my bacteria to grow so that I can start some overnight cultures.  Tomorrow will be much more busy, since I’ll be analyzing all these strains I stored up right before Hawaii.  But today is too quiet by comparison to tomorrow’s projected craziness.  Oh well, like many professions, microbiology is a lot of hurry up and wait.  

This evening is pretty jam-packed.  I’ve got swim lessons followed by stage makeup lessons followed hopefully by food followed by club intermediate practice.  Then Wednesday will be lab crazy during the day, followed by . . . oh crap, I just realized we’re having a dress rehearsal Wednesday BEFORE we have our show practice to drill the choreography. . . Oh well!  

Thursday night we dance for Intercultural Night, and the flyer claims last year there were nearly 1,000 people in attendance?   It’s going to be on the same stage as our Spring Bellydance Show, so it’s a great opportunity.  

Friday is Lady’s Night!  We’re going to go see an art show, because one of the ladies is actually in one of the paintings.  

Saturday is a St. Patrick’s Day Redux, since many of us missed St. Patrick’s day because we were in Hawaii.  There could also be a dance practice in there too.  

Sunday is show dance practice for sure, and then we’re back to Monday again.  

Man, I feel better having listed the whole mess out.  Every night is a happening night, unlike most of the break.  I’m nervous about getting back into the rhythm of it, but tired of being out of it too.  

Circling back to today:  I’m excited because we can see our costumes tonight!  Days like these, I feel like a theatre major masquerading as a biology student.  But I know I love both, and I’m glad not to only be doing one or the other.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/24/2008 10:38:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Back in Madison again!</b>

Coming back to the familiar is a comforting ritual, in some ways.  I’ve been away for most of a week in Hawaii, followed by hosting my parents and brother for a weekend.  And suddenly it’s Monday again, the apartment is empty, and I’m back in lab.  

It’s a bummer, but it’s nice too.  I’ve spent the morning wading through e-mails and re-establishing contact.  Adding new stuff to the calendar, looking at how close April already is . . . 

Hawaii was amazing, as it always is.  Sounds stupid, but you just can’t understand how beautiful it is unless you’ve seen it yourself.  Even the light seems special; maybe it’s all the green EVERYWHERE, which saturated my poor mid-western winter retinas.  Everything moves slower and that constant gnawing panic I usually feel melted away.  I actually felt *THERE* instead of floating high above myself.  Hawaii is warm, humid, and magic, ok?  I wouldn’t want to live there forever, because you start to forget how special it is within days of arriving.  But damn, I’ll visit whenever I can afford it.  The conference itself was the best I’ve been to, full of laid-back conversations both sciencey and not.  For the rest of the time, I gorged myself on seafood and checked out all the beaches I could.  

I arrived back in Madison with one night of peace, and then the next day my parents and lil’ brother arrived for Easter weekend.  I’ve already gone over how much I miss them I think, so I’ll just say I was so happy to share the new apartment with them.  They are demanding in a good way—it felt like everyone wanted my attention at once, but unlike Christmas I only had to split myself 3-4 ways.  Mom and Dad made meals and washed dishes, and we took lots of nice walks around the neighborhood.  Andy was fantastically helpful through it all, and had managed to stock the cabinets will the perfect snacks to keep us all going.  I’m exhausted from it all, but was still feeling pretty bummed when they were out on the road and the apartment was so empty.  

And so here we are again folks.  Back to a daily grind of sorts, even though now Spring seems closer than ever.  Undeniable even if we’re expecting freezing rain later this week.  <a href="http://www.today.wisc.edu/events/view/3669">My bellydance group is performing our piece on THURSDAY</a> (holy bejesus!) which I just realized today.  Everything just starts back up again in a crazy flourish.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/06/2008 10:50:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><span style="font-style:italic;">i liked it better when i honestly thought men were dumb and women were evil. realizing that none of us have any idea of what we're doing is far, far worse.</span>

I had to steal this quote from <a href="http://innocenteexpres.livejournal.com/">another blog </a>I keep up on, even though I only knew the chick as a friend of a friend thang.  I always feel I have to point this out because the fact makes me feel a little guilty stalkerish.  I just love how she writes.  

I liked the quote because it's another side of what being an adult is all about, I think.  You always think everyone else knows what they are doing, that they are calm and happy and man they've got PLANS.  And you're the only one who doesn't have their act together.  And then one day you realize practically no one has it all together, and if they do they might just be mentally unstable.

---

In other news, my body is just plain sore.  On the bright side, show practice was worth it last night, as we got to see our reflections in the window and we looked REALLY good.  And I'm getting funny muscles in unexpected places.  Like my shoulders--which I've never really worked hard before, EVAR.  Or my shins?  No miraculous weight loss has happened, even though Andy who eats ice cream at midnight has dropped another 5lbs. . . but me being a bit more muscley ain't bad.  

I need to get my act together for Hawaii, and fortunately today is not looking to be as hectic.  Maybe I'll make some headway on cleaning up my clothes and the rest of the apartment. . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/05/2008 01:25:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>So much!</b>

Oh man, there is just a crap-ton of things going on right now, in a good sane way.  Just enough that I often look at the clock and think “Damn, is it 12:40AM AGAIN already?” life feels very circular and oh yes ka is a wheel.  

<b>Wiiiiii!!!</b>
As you may recall, Roger won a Wii on the radio, which I envied thoroughly.  I came home one night and found a Wii in our livingroom, and it turns out Roger was awesome enough to sell his to us (thanks to both Roger and Andy, brokers of my latest obsession).  I think Roger was worried about becoming too addicted to video games again, so really I’m helping him out right?  

So now I’m working my way through Super Mario Galaxy which is awesome.  Totally different from all the other Mario games, as all levels are large globes.  And it’s just challenging enough for an only semi-serious gamer like myself.  I fear if I get Zelda: Twilight Princess I may never see the light of day again, and could miss summer altogether.  THANKS ROGER!!!

<b>Newest sewing achievement: Yoga Pants</b>
Hells yeah.  My latest project in the “SEW Workshop” book was “Wear anywhere yoga pants.”  I snagged some nice lawn-green linen on sale and made them into low-slung, wide-legged drawstring pants.  I had to take an extra 3 inches off the leg length, because I’m somehow petite even though I’m 5’6” (5’4” is usually the cutoff).  ANYWAY.  Now I’ve got bright green pants that match my polka-dot bathing suit which will be handy for.  . . 

<b>Conference in Hawaii next week!</b>
That’s right. Time for the yearly Pow-wow for our research system, and since it’s the 20th anniversary it will be on Oahu.  I leave exactly next week, and I’m nearly delirious thinking of packing only shorts and sarongs.  It will be hard coming back.  However, I’m missing Andy’s birthday and that is a bummer.  And as soon as I get back to Madison. . . 

<b>My folks come to visit</b>
Yes, the parents are hoping to drive up to Madison for Easter.  I miss them more than I ever thought I would, so I’m excited—although I’m less excited about cleaning up the apartment.  They’ll get to see the new micro building AND our new apartment!  

<b>Bellydance overdrive</b>
To make up for spring break we’re currently at 3 2-hour practices a week, plus my 1.5-hour studio class.  It’s awesome and I feel like it’s been intensive enough to improve my technique a lot, although it also seems like for every thing I get better at, I find another move I’ve gotta get moving better.  Mainly, shimmies are still killin’ me because they require a lot of strength in the quads but super-relaxedness everywhere else—and I’m still a tense person and so my moves tend to freeze up a lot.  

One thing that bugged me a bit last night was that there was a girl in our club practice who is kindof like a trainwreck.  I could lecture about just what’s wrong, but mainly it’s that she sticks her butt out and she doesn’t isolate her movements (they travel through her whole body, and usually the point of a movement is to isolate it from everything else).  It doesn’t bug me that she’s a trainwreck. . . it’s just strange that no one seems to critique her.  I’m guessing there must be a story behind it all that I just don’t know about, like perhaps she has a physical disability or she snuck into this class without auditioning.   My curiosity is piqued, I can’t help it!

<b>Little word, little bird</b>
This morning there was a little bird on my balcony, and it looked expectantly into the livingroom.  I'm hoping to figure out how I can have a bird feeder out there so next time he might look less pissed.  I am pretending this is the first sign of spring, so allow me my delusion!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/22/2008 10:44:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ugh</b>

Oh man, today is BEAUTIFUL!  We're ramping up in temperature to possibly 35 F by the weekend. . . hopefully melting all the sheets of ice currently encasing the sidewalks.  So yes, my dream of a weekend where I can actually go outside and enjoy Madison comes true.  

Ah, but from the dream I must awaken, as here is the latest "Special Weather Statement" for Monday:

<i>DO NOT PUT THOSE SNOW SHOVELS AWAY JUST YET. ALTHOUGH WE WILL HAVE A QUIET WEEKEND AND TEMPERATURES MAY GET ABOVE FREEZING...MOTHER NATURE IS LOADING UP THE POTENTIAL FOR MORE ACCUMULATING SNOW BY EARLY NEXT WEEK.</i>

D'oh.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/21/2008 10:22:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> Half-Full Tilt</b>

Oh man, the pace, she is a pickin’ up!

We’ve added a second show practice for the beginning bellydance piece, so now it’s: 

Day one:  show practice, 2hrs
Day two:  rest
Day three: swim lessons (45 minute extreme workout), followed by intermediate bellydance practice (1 hr, cardio-focused)
Day four: show practice, 2hrs
Day five: studio lessons, 1.5 hrs
Day six: rest
Day seven: rest

Oh man, that’s fun to write out and LOOK at it!

So that’s 4 days a week I’m dancing, which in itself is grand.  The tricky patch is swim lessons + dancing on the same day . . . Andy and I are taking the class that focuses on increasing speed and endurance, so I leave the pool with my heart racing and my muscles shaky.  We’ve decided to get smoothies afterwards as a reward.  It leaves me just enough time to go home and shower off the chlorine, and then turn around and head back out for intermediate dance practice.  And man, the day after is a sore sore day.  

Lab work is starting to hum along.  I’ve got lots of avenues to investigate, and in fact that is the real problem currently.  My goal is to get better at juggling all my various subprojects so that I can make some excellent progress on several fronts in the months ahead—especially before it gets beautiful outside and I find it harder to stay in the lab. 

 I’m pretty sure spring fever is going to hit HARD this year.  I spend at least a couple of minutes every day dreaming of all the ice on the sidewalks melting, the birds singing, and the smell of mud and grass.  I’m hoping to take up running again once the weather improves, because it’s fun to run around the same neighborhood and watch the plants grow up a little more each time.  But definitely this time around it’s gonna be gentle running for the hell of it.  

And finally, Roger (who won a Wii) let us try out the system this week, and even though it was just a basic sports game, I really really liked it.  I have a strange weakness for golf video games.  You don’t HAVE to do the accurate moves like swinging a golf club or punching a face, but it does make it more fun by far.  And I can’t even begin to imagine how sweet Mario Galaxy looks on that thing!  I do hope to get a Wii at some point, but things are moving at such a swift pace right now, I’m hoping to stay strong and wait for the availability to go up and maybe the price to come down!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/10/2008 04:41:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Bookended by Crash Test Dummies</b>

I’ll cover a short period of time that somehow ended up being bounded by two Crash Test Dummies songs: 1)Afternoons & Coffee spoons, 2) The Psychic.  I really dig how life can match up with themes like that.  

1)Afternoons and Coffee spoons  
Oh man, I forgot how much I love T.S. Eliot.  I chose to write a report on “The Wasteland” in highschool, and I’ve kept my pencil-lined and noted copy around ever since.  So I got to rediscover “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” covering themes like. . . . 

Measuring your life in cycles of coffee consumption: 
<i>For I have known them all already, known them all:— 
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,   
 I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;</i>

And nailing what I really wish for my life: 

<i>
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; 
Am an attendant lord, one that will do To swell a progress, start a scene or two, 
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, 
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous; 
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; 
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous— 
Almost, at times, the Fool.</i>

2)The Pyschic
Went to a psychic faire this Saturday with Sarah—neither of us really knowing what to expect, but figured it would be a fun “what the heck” sorta thing to do.  Everyone was really nice there, but it can be a little tough not to let your science training shine through.  These things are the exact opposite of science, which did make it a bit refreshing.  I got a quick 15 minute reading while I was there.  There was a lot I didn’t understand because her mind shifted around—a lot like a T.S. Eliot poem does—but there were parts I could understand and get behind.  The two words she said came to her over and over again were “global focus” and she said she could see me reporting something in front of a panel, something important, like I was maybe warning against something.  But also that she saw me inspiring young people, that all my doubts about being in science would be my strength when helping others with their doubts.  Also that writing would be important.  It sounded a lot like teaching . . . we’ll see.  Anyway, the upshot of it all was that I should focus right now on lightening up and not being so serious.  When the future comes, it will be a question of totally loving something or hating something.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/04/2008 11:19:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Freezing rain and I are not friends</b>

Particularly when I don’t realize it’s freezing rain until I’m late for the bus and running out the door with no time to go back and get an umbrella.  Now I sit in lab, dampened and cold.  It’s hard enough to get yourself into work on Mondays as it is.  

Today, especially since it’s in stock on Sears.com, I’m leaning towards the Wii.  If I get the Xbox 360 I’ll be holed up fighting raptors for days and not wanting to talk to anyone.  The Wii does seem more socially oriented.  But OH, Halo3!!!  Bioshock!!! Assassin’s Creed!  Gaaaah!!!

At least Fatal Frame is doing a version for the Wii.  That would be sufficiently mature and creepy. . . 

Yay!  UW bellydance club practice starts up again tomorrow and I’ve moved up to Intermediate Practice.  This could result in infinite soreness on Wednesday, but whatevs.  Turn the dial up to 3 dance practices a week, and swim class starting next week!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/31/2008 11:32:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>You know what’s scary?</b>

What’s scary is when it feels good outside and it’s 5 degrees Fahrenheit.  It feels good because it was even colder yesterday.  The very fact that it will be in the 30’s later this week makes me *gleeful*.  Truly, it is amazing what the human body can adapt to, but it’s also a little disturbing sometimes.  

Waves of spring fever hit me continuously.  I’m lusting over the idea of fresh greens and wearing breezy skirts and sandals.  I honestly can’t remember much of last summer that wasn’t wedding-related, so I feel that spring/summer is doubly necessary this time around.  

In terms of my gamer lust, well, I feel as confused as a teenager because the new “Turok the Dinosaur Hunter” is going to be released on Xbox360 and PS3, but not the Wii.  Now Xbox360 has “Halo3,” “BioShock,” AND “Turok.”  But the Wii has the Mario franchise, Legend of Zelda, and is much more party-friendly in general. . . what is a girl to do?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/29/2008 11:00:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Do you ever get the feeling that your life is a tiny wheel that’s spinning round and round?  And do you sometimes feel like the rubber on that wheel ain’t hitting the road? 

In a not-that-bad way, that’s what it kindof feels like right now.  Classic situation for the post-prelim, pre-defense expanse of time that I’m in right now.  There is that lingering feeling that I’m doing lots of things but not getting anywhere. . . oh well, seems like that’s normal.  

My small victory is that I completed my first costume sewing project: a choli top in a dark metallic teal.  

I still need to go back through and clean up all the dangling threads, but I actually completed it.  Now back to sewing the cover on my dance bra.  GOAL: if I finish both of these things, I can go do a level II sewing project in my learn-to-sew book, because I really want to get to all the level 3 projects (pencil skirts!  Girly dresses!  Mod capes!) but I should get in more practice first.  

I can’t figure out where I put my actual physical journal, which was OK for a long time but now it’s starting to bug me.  Hmmm. . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/28/2008 10:31:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ah, ze pursuit of thee unobtainable!</b>

I love shopping, but one of my deepest pitfalls is the unobtainable item.  There was a time right before I moved apartments where I developed a lust for turquoise sheets, and yet none were to be found—until several months later when they were everywhere.  I think this illustrates what I mean by “unobtainable”: not hugely expensive or ridiculously rare . . . just scarce enough to make it a challenge and reasonably priced if I DO find one.  

Currently I’m after a Wii console (which I’ve already mentioned) and a cast iron dutch oven for making stews in.  Clearly, we’re in stew-making season here because the two reasonably priced models at Target and Walmart are sold out, and what IS available elsewheres jumps up to $60 bucks minimum.  Makes me want it even more. . . But I have successfully reminded myself that it would be grand to make stews and roasts and what not, but not necessary.  

We had our first Bellydance Spring Show practice yesterday and it was OH SO GRAAAAND!  We learned the first bit of the beginner’s piece and it’s just challenging enough—although the demonstration of the rest revealed some tougher moves: ¾ shimmies and down-steps, both of which were in my 2A studio class and challenged us there.  But it’s a really good group of ladies so I think we can handle it.  And we agreed to expand the practice from 1 hour to 2 hours so that we’d be done learning the choreography well ahead of the spring show.  I’m psyched, as this further expands my spring dance/fitness schedule.  3 times a week I’ll get to dance for 1+ hours, and hopefully Andy and I will have a swimming class on Tuesdays.  I’m contemplating adding yoga in there, but I’m not sure if that’s a bit TOO much.  All I know is that I’m floating happily for hours after my dance classes, and it makes all of life more calm and bearable.  

The only bummer is I learned that LOST has been moved to Thursday nights. . . right during my studio class.  I will either have to tape it on VHS, or wait to download it from I-tunes the next day :(<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/17/2008 03:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>One of the really nice things about working in the same building is that Andy and I often go home at the same time, making the commute infinitely more enjoyable.  We share eye-rolls when people do stupid, rude things on the bus (or one of us is being crushed by someone’s puffy winter coat).  And we get to have nice chats during the 5 minute walk from the bus stop to the apartment, which helps distract from the ubiquitous Wisconsin winter cold.  

Earlier this week, during our trek home, I asked him, very seriously: 

“Hon, do you think, once everything get’s restocked in February, we could get a Wii?”

Immediately it seemed like a silly thing to ask because: 
1.  I’d only brought up the topic like a million times before now.
2.  As Andy pointed out, I don’t really have to ask his permission.
3.  We have a standing offer to try out the Wii from one of our coworkers, and maybe we should test-drive before we invest time and money? 

Oh well, on that frosty evening, in the night, it seemed so dramatic a question I had to ask.  We’ll see when this restocking thing actually happens.  Walmart had them for the morning today.  

Besides, my various sewing projects have taken over the living room almost completely.  The purse is done and oh-so-delightful in pink kimono-like fabric.  I got the pattern for a dance top that I’m currently constructing on the dining room table.  And I’m covering a bra with brocade, which seemed an easy undertaking.  Then I learned the challenge of creating a smooth, curved surface from flat fabric.  Ugh.  After several prototypes I’ve got a final covering pinned and ready to be hand-sewn on.  Then it’s off to cover the all the straps. . . It’s delightfully distracting from the ever-present stress that I’m not working hard enough as a graduate student.  The fear that I’ll never ever get out of here and will be an 8th year student.  It could happen, but I don’t think it will.  And even if it does, well, that isn’t the biggest failure in the world.  But with my temperament, it kinda would for awhile.  Whew!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/13/2008 04:17:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Gone on a sewing jag</b>

By now I know that I like to hurl myself into pastimes and hobbies with great abandon, but little constancy.  Wow, sounds alot more dramatic than it is!  

It's wintertime and along with wanting to get out and exercise I simultaneously lust being crafty.  Usually my go-to is cross-stitching, which takes up little space and--if you buy a kit--doesn't cost all that much.  But now that I'm doing bellydancing, there's alot of potential for making my own costumes and therefore sewing has become attractive again.  I have a decent sewing machine and an excellent learn-to-sew book, and armed with a basic purse project I hit JoAnn Fabrics.  Oh is that store dangerous.  I've always loved fabrics, as I have always loved clothing, and now all the costumey fabrics are no longer off-limits. . . it was glorious.  

The downside of picking up a new hobby is that there are alot of unwritten rules that are so "no-duh!" once you know them, which is probably why nobody writes them down.  OH well.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/11/2008 05:10:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sorta owww</b>

Oh man, went to my first studio bellydance class of the season last night and it was FANTASTIC.  

<i>To review: last semester I took level 2A because level 1B was not available (1B was suggested to me by my teacher).  It was a fantastic experience that kicked my butt pretty much every week.  2A is basically all the basic moves you learn in 1B plus playing finger cymbals at the same time. </i>

This semester, they are offering 1B and I wasn’t sure if I should step back and take it or move forward with my class into 2B.  So I gave 1B a shot last night, and it was heavenly.  I got to focus—really focus—on all the basic moves.  Compared to last semester, my posture and arm carriage has improved, but a lot of stuff is still not solid.  Mainly, my left side doesn’t want to do things as nicely as the right, especially hip lifts and drops.  A step behind, and not as sharp.  I’m really excited to get all my basics well-developed so that I have a strong foundation to layer on all the pretty extras (finger cymbals, veils, SHIMMIES!).  It was a good choice.  

But today my muscles are rather sore, no doubt.  Sides, shoulders, and back.  But in a way, that feels good.  

---

In other news, I’m hankering for a new video console.  I’ve got an Xbox and a GameCube, but oh man do the Xbox360 and Wii look oh-so-shiny.  I’m leaning hard towards the Wii, but it’s quite the process trying to get your hands on one . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/09/2008 03:55:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Yay for good dreams! </b>

I have recurring dreams, both good and bad.  In the good category falls a repeating dream that I had again last night: I’m visiting Hiram as an alumni and just walking around campus, which sounds unimpressive, I know.  This time it was spring, and so the air was warm and I wandered around without shoes on.  I had this wonderful sense of having no limit to the time I could walk around—nothing pressing elsewheres.  

It’s important to note that Hiram in my dreams is much larger than the one block it is in reality.  If I walk along the sidewalk from Henry towards Miller, there isn’t just forest and road beyond: there is a lakeshore and an outdoor amphitheatre.  The buildings are all bigger and more ivy-leaguish.  Somehow, though, Kennedy Center remains relatively the same, and always in my dreams I stop by casually for food or coffee.  And overall, most of dream-Hiram is the half that Henry is on.  I usually only go as far as Kennedy or the commons bounded by the science building.

Anyway, this dream was especially nice because I’d discovered that Hiram was only 2 hours away again, and I could visit any time.  Plus the weather was so lovely, and I didn’t have the sense I was going to wake up in my dream too soon and have to leave.  I ran into Sam and he invited me to a party being thrown in his honor to celebrate something.  But he wouldn’t tell me what it was.  The party was being thrown by his 3 Aunts who had laid out a spread of lunchmeats and sandwiches—too fancy for folks our age.  I brought my friends from Madison and everyone thought they were funny and wonderful.  Everything, even awkward topics, was laughed off.  

Then I came to the classic closing of the dream: I’m walking around Hiram while the students are changing classes, and I keep looking for faces I know.  And then I almost say out loud “Everyone I knew here is gone.  They aren’t here anymore.”  That’s the sad part, but I’ve gotten so used to it, it’s not so bad anymore.  

I still wonder why this is a recurring dream.  I know, in real waking life I miss the life that college had to offer, and how certain I was about everything at that time.  But it’s always about walking around campus, or wishing I could find people I’m looking for.  Strange!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/03/2008 11:11:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Happy 2008!</b>

Happy 2008 to one and all!  All years that you live are big years, but of course I'll say that this is a big year coming up.  Lots of work ahead, but work that should put me closer to graduating?  Maybe?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/31/2007 03:25:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Last Post of 2007</b>

I know, it’s just plain obligatory, and January 31st is lousy with “last of 2007” things and thoughts.  

Well folks, I made it through a very different sort of Christmas holiday this year—both families celebrating in the same town, in the same house.  It was chaotic at times, like I expected, but also really hard in ways I couldn't expect.  It was just a very adult Christmas.  There was still the feeling of being “The Newlyweds” , a central feature in every gathering.  Still, it was so much nicer than last Christmas, spent endlessly talking about and planning The Wedding.  

Speaking of which: what a freaking crazy year 2007 was.  With a wedding smack dab in the middle of it, I knew it would be crazy.  But knowing something in your mind and knowing something in your gut are two different things.  Or maybe it’s knowing versus accepting?  I know there are other, more significant things in life besides marriage, but it was still a big deal.  

On one side (the planning side) it was all fluttery craziness full of spreadsheets and flower arrangements.  Stationery and dress alterations.  I felt kind of like a kite floating waaaay up above my own head a lot of the times, watching it all happen.  

The wedding itself was wonderful and gone in a flash.  So fast that without the pictures I might not be sure it really happened!  But it was everything I hoped it would be: filled with family and friends, and ending with us being married.  

On the other side of the fence, oh man, I much prefer this side!  At Christmas mom told me “You look soo good!  Married life agrees with you!” 

It seemed a funny thing to say, but I think it’s true.  Now is the good stuff, minus all the insanity of planning (believe me, grad school makes you crazy ENOUGH).  It took me awhile to absorb a lot of the little things, like calling someone your “husband” (best use of which is in the grocery store when someone asks you if you need any help and you say ‘no I’ve just lost my husband’).  The best feeling was that finally everyone else could recognize and understand what we’ve got going on.  Everyone should be able to feel this feeling.  That, and the jewelry.  

So what’s really changed in 2007?  Well, I’ve lost ten pounds and gained a new hobby, bellydancin’.  I can now use eyeliner decently, but have also noticed those crow’s feet nearby.  And I’ve reached the stage where I can’t wait to get done with grad school. . . too bad it’s probably going to take 2 more years. . . Oh well.  All metaphysical sources suggest 2008 will be an excellent year for work and research, and with no wedding to plan or apartment to move, it’s looking wide open for Science. 

Happy New Year Everyone!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/12/2007 10:53:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I MAKE COFFEE</b>

<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://explodingdog.com/title/imakecoffee.html"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px;" src="http://explodingdog.com/title/imakecoffee.html" border="0" alt="" /></a>

Feeling pretty good today.  I spent Monday at home getting my stuff in better order, and did the same thing at lab yesterday.  My wedding dress is safe and sound, and tonight we're watching the final two episodes of "Twin Peaks" which gives me the mixed feelings of proud completion and sadness that it's all over.  

Last night I dreamt that my family was driving on the highway and the interstate just stopped.  Dad made a quick right turn and we drove into the deep pool of a water park.  Instead of being upset, we all laughed about it and lounged around the pool. 

I'm a little bummed that <a href="http://innocenteexpres.livejournal.com/">my favorite blogger</a>--a gal I only knew slightly through a guy I was once dating--is getting slow with the updates, likely because things in her life are going smashingly.  I wish my blog ended up as hip and smart as hers, but her life seems to have a different sort o' magic going on.  Eh!

And finally, I must share that <a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/internetNews/idUSN1155159520071212">"w00t" was crowned the word of the year</a>!  

Ok, back to work as always . . . hugs all around!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/10/2007 03:36:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Waiting for THE DRESS, the sequel</b>

So I sent my wedding gown away to be cleaned & boxed for storage, many moons ago.  It’s scheduled to arrive today and I have to be there to sign for it, so it’s been a strange “trapped waiting in the apartment” day.  Ironically, the gown preservation company is in Vestal, NY minutes away from Andy’s grandmother.  I should’ve just waited a week or so and picked it up myself, since we’re flying to NY for this year’s Christmas.  

But it has been nice to be forced to stay in the apartment and take care of a million little chores that I’ve avoided because it was more fun/productive to go out.  I also found my journal from the time period chronicling the time pre-engagement, which of course was overdramatic, excited writing about being in luuuuv.  Some day, I hope to take all the written journals I have and type them out so they will be in one spot.  Although most of it will be me going all crazy over boys!  

In bellydancing news: the audition DID go well and I’m going to be in the beginner’s piece for the spring show!  I haven’t been on stage in a loooong time, but I’m excited about it.  And being in the show means an extra practice a week—which should mean each week will contain one studio class, one UW club intermediate practice, and one show practice.  Hopefully I’ll be able to take the next swim class too, all of which will be built-in required stress relief and exercise for what is looking to be an intense spring semester.  

Intense because I’ve got to get a paper submitted, and because the only thing holding me back from my degree now is my progress on my project.  I’ve already got the “gee I wish I had a real job and a house and a dog” fever pretty bad.  It’s the natural progression of the grad student experience, from what I gather.  My understanding is I’ll get out of grad school, and hopefully find a job in the real world.  And then I’ll wish I was back in grad school again, I’m sure.  Oh well, the idea of a bigger paycheck and less soul-crushing questioning of my self-worth dangles like the yummiest of carrots in front of me.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/04/2007 12:10:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Shimmy Suspense!</b>

Oh man, I am truly some sort of spaz.  I participated in auditions for the spring belly dance show at UW on Sunday, and ever since I find myself checking the e-mail obsessively hoping to hear how it turned out.  The audition itself went by so quickly that I'm not really sure how I did, but I think it went well.  At the very least, I'm hoping to get into Intermediate classes--the beginner's classes are HUGE!

In more formal scientific news I found out that a potential competitor for my project is actually an enthusiastic collaborator of sorts.  Whew!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/28/2007 10:45:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>A prediction, of sorts</b>

Since the news lately is all about re-visiting the Scott Peterson "somebody killed a white lady! Oh MY!" story, I predict there is something coming up or already in the news that needs hiding, or distraction from.  I've also seen a story of the "somebody killed a little, blonde, white girl" ilk.  Yes, it is sad that these things happened, but it's not any MORE tragic than when non-white people are killed. 

Of course, if something REALLY huge needs covered up, they will probably wheel Michael Jackson back into the news.  

I'm just saying, it makes me a little concerned.  And frustrated when it consumes actual news.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/26/2007 11:03:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Coaxing</b>

Freewill Astrology Horoscope for Leo: 

<span style="font-style:italic;">The bad news is that Indonesia has the fastest rate of deforestation on the planet, and is one of the top three producers of greenhouse gas pollution. The good news is that on November 28, the people of Indonesia will unleash the most intense orgy of tree-growing in the history of the world. They're scheduled to plant 79 million saplings in 24 hours. You Leos might also consider undertaking a massive display of fertility in the next three weeks. Your creative powers will be at a peak; your ability to coax abundant life out of seeds and sprouts will be extraordinary.</span>

Now, I’m not aiming for the procreative kind of coaxing life here (though I’m waiting to see how long it’ll be before the grandkids topic comes up at Christmas).  

My interpretation of “coaxing abundant life out of seeds and sprouts” will be focused in the areas of health and mental well-being.  I’ve been at this grad school thing for four years, now working on my 5th year, and it’s clear I’ve whipped myself into a frazzled heap.  I put on weight and put being girly on the backburner.  Drank waaay to much coffee and not enough water!  I’ve had moments where people ask “what do you do for fun around here” and the real answer, in the back of my head, was SLEEP.  

Which is a crappy answer.  

So yes, this is chock-full of hubris on my part that I’ll totally turn my life around in a season.  But I’ve made progress and I’m celebrating that at least!  Bellydancing has been awesome already for fitness, stress-relief, and getting to be better friends with women and womanly things.  Swim class is over, but Andy and I are gonna go swimming each week until the spring classes start.  As for health, I’m going for the most basic: take my vitamins and drink A LOT more water.  Winter in Madison is bone-dry, and so water and I must become better friends.

All the stress can make you feel like you’re not a real person anymore.  At least, that’s how it has made me feel at times.  Like I’m a person-shell that can do science.  But that’s not something a person can keep up forever, you know?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/19/2007 10:15:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>THE FOG</b>

Oh man, today is a day when having huge windows facing out onto the lake is awesome, because I cannot see the lake, only FOG!!!!  My desk is several stories up in the new building, and so I am perched up high watching mist-covered campus.  If I was cool I would have a webcam or digital picture or SOMETHING.  But you will be forced to just use your imagination.  

Life is pretty good and calm at this moment.  I’m sure that will change, since it’s Monday, but it’s been a nice weekend of sleeping in late and lounging around with Andy.  We’ve got our engagement photo hung above the fireplace flanked by our marriage license and a cross-stitch sampler my new mother-in-law made for us (BEAUTIFUL!!!).  Every little thing makes it seem more real and less like I just dreamed the whole thing.  Dreams are good, but man the reality is even better.  

Thanksgiving week!  We keep pretending we’re gonna work on the thank-you notes for the wedding gifts, but we’ve gotten sidetracked with all the photos and frames.  Oh well.  The plan is to have a Thanksgiving dinner for two and just roast a chicken or something—put all our new appliances to work.  I’m also taking care of the squid for Thanksgiving, so even they will have hopefully a nice holiday.  They can be thankful for endless shrimp, mating, and no predators.  Me?  I’ll be thankful for a whole lot of things, because this year is just chock full of things to be happy and thankful for.  You get the picture. 

Ok, Monday beckons ?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/06/2007 11:02:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Fever is not for more cowbell . . . </b>

Being sick over the weekend is just plain silly.  I mean, c’mon: it’s the two days out the week where I can maybe sleep in a little and live a life less sciencey.  Or just do silly domestic crap like the laundry and the dishes.  But no, I was feeling spacey on Saturday, and had a legitimate fever on Sunday, which proceeded into Monday.  On the bright side, I decided to keep my contagion at home on Monday and sleep as much as humanly possible, and my fever broke by Monday evening.  Getting into work today, I definitely had some sort of hot flash but I feel pretty good now.  Ugh!

Despite my fever, I went to the Madison Dog Fair on Sunday with Andy, and it was just tortuous fun.  We’ve got puppy fever, and there were tons of cute dogs everywhere, tiny ones and gigantic ones.  My favorite demonstration was the flyball demo where dogs go running down a straightaway course, over hurdles, and grab a ball at the end and run back.  All sorts of dogs can do it, and they even had a pug!  Although the pug had trouble finishing because he’d get to the last hurdle on the way back and start shaking his head around with the ball in his mouth.  Couldn’t help himself I guess!  Cute cute!

In other fluffy news, my mom has the proofs from the wedding photographer, and hopefully she’ll be able to send them out to us soon.  The biggest surprise awaited her when she went to pick up the proofs, though.  In the main office, over the mantel, was a 3’x 2’ canvas portrait of me peeking up over my bouquet.  “All I saw where green eyes looking back at me!” she said on the phone.  I wish I had a house big enough for that sort of thing—I’ll admit that I’m self-adoring enough to want large artwork of myself in my home.  Do you think that sort of thing would go on discount when the photographers switch it out???<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/01/2007 04:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Head North!</b>

Welcome back to the “Boy I had a weird dream last night” show!

Last night I dreamt that zombies had begun invading the US and I was trying to get out of Madison and North to Canada.  “Go North Go North Go North” my brain kept saying.  Somehow I had recognized the early warning signs of the invasion and was trying to get out of town before a more widespread panic set in and the roads jammed up.  But only Andy would come with me: I kept pleading with my family to go but they didn’t think it was a big deal and planned on staying in the States.  

I kept seeing the map in my head, and my brain kept saying “Go North Go North Go North.”  I would get to Canada where it was cold enough to freeze out the zombies.  

Nobody wanted to leave and I kept looking for some other item I needed for the trip: my marriage license, my passport.  Jeans.  Sweaters.  My grandmother’s ring.  The entire time I felt like I needed to get out of there because once the infection hit Chicago, it would increase exponentially.  

After waking up, it’s still sticking with me through the day.  A bit of a mix of “World War Z” and “Cell” where I’m trying to get to the KASHWAK NO FO zone.  Weird!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/31/2007 04:38:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/S62np-5N_e0' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/S62np-5N_e0'/></object></p><p>Happy Halloween Everyone!</p></div><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/29/2007 11:06:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>A return to old-school journaling?</b>

Hah!  We shall see.  I actually had quite a tradition of journaling going on from about junior year of high school up through college, when I discovered blogging and transitioned out of the written record.  The huge advantage of blogging, for me, has been the ability to type--hand-writing leads to hand-cramps.  Also with typing I can write as fast as I think.  The downside of blogging is huge requirement for self-editing and omission.  It lacks the confessional release of scrawling your true feelings down on paper.  

I had a set of days this week that came close to a true anxiety attack, probably because I've been away from research long enough that I'm feeling less productive.  I'm hoping some old-school journaling will lance that bubble of nervousness.  I must also admit that I was inspired by the movie <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0465551/">"Notes on a Scandal</a>," in which one of the leads keeps a clean, bound journal collection.  Although I don't wish to be like the character, she reignited my written-journal lust.  I'll still keep blogging, but it's time for a literary experiment!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/25/2007 01:30:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Quiet time!</b>

There are just some days you'd rather stay in bed and be quiet than be out and about thinking big, sciencey thoughts.  Today is one of those days.  I went to bed early and slept in, and still didn't want to get up and go.  And I've discovered that our new building is great for alot of things, but there aren't many places to just go and sip your coffee in quiet.  All break areas are out in the main flow of traffic so everyone sees you and stops by to say hi.  And normally that's awesome and welcome.  But today I would've appreciated a visible stormcloud over my lil' head.  Just cause.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/19/2007 12:40:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Lab Move!</b>

Oh man, been a little off the map lately, because we're moving our lab to the shiny new <a href="http://www.microbialsciences.wisc.edu/building/index.html">microbial sciences building</a>!  Up until now, it's been very un-glamorous packing of boxes.  Endless packing.  But now I've got my new desk partially set up and I can gaze out over lake Mendota's Picnic Point.  But this view also lets me know it's raining. . . right when I need to venture outdoors for lunch :(

Life is pretty good, although it feels a bit like a pocket universe since I'm between labs and not doing any research.  Too strange!  Hope everyone has an awesome weekend--I'm actually going to a football game at UW, one of those things I've always meant to do but have yet to get around to doing.  I'll admit I'm most excited to see the UW Marching Band!  Bring on the wall o' sound!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/11/2007 11:35:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Hiram, alma mater, alma mater mine</b>
I think this blog has become an unloading zone for mainly “The weird dream I had last night” and “my little pat on the back.”  Eh!  I think it could be worse.  

Last night I dreamt I was at Hiram College again.  Usually I wander the campus and can’t find anyone I know, but this time I found Sam and Dave right away.  We all sat on a stoop together, along with Andy (Wisconsin Andy) and I said to everyone “Oh, isn’t it nice to have the trio together again?”

I’ll admit that I miss those two a lot some times.  Especially freshman and sophomore year, when we three got along and life hadn’t gotten so heavy.  It was a lot like the uber-brain friendship I have now with Andy, Sarah, and Roger: easy, intuitive (although with lots more smoking).  When Sam and I had the “Vortex of Pain” radio show.  That time in college when we’d just moved into Henry Hall, and before Henry lost a lot of its nerdy charm in the wake of angst.  

Ehhh, I should also admit that much of that yearning I felt in the dream was about missing how I felt in college, when I felt smart and had lots of free time on my hands.  No bills to pay.  Good grades and free internet.  Late nights hanging out with Sam at the B-side or walking the 3-mile square.  Hiram is just plain heavy with memories and so I end up visiting there a lot at night, perhaps more than any other place in my dreamland.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/10/2007 11:18:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Baddreambaddreambaddream</b>

I wish I remembered how to make the smiley where your eyes look all blurry like an anime character. . .  . *-* I think that’s it.

*_* !

I had a truly awful dream last night.  I dreamt I’d found a sheet from the newest grant proposal for the lab, and on it is said that by now I should have my own funding.  It basically was saying that my boss thought I should leave.  

In reality, heck, maybe he does think that from time to time.  And sometimes I think it too.  But it’s like the sharks in the pool underneath my tightrope: I try to ignore that possibility and just keep inching forward.  So it sucks when it’s in my dreams—where I hope to restore my energy and imagination, not wake up feeling all the more crushed.  My brain has been way too busy these last couple of nights.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/09/2007 10:47:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Red Wig</b>

So, for once in my blessed life I got my act together and figured out what I was gonna be for Halloween ahead of time: Nadine from Twin Peaks.  Perhaps one of the easiest costumes, because it requires mostly a red wig and an eye-patch, which were delivered to me over the weekend.  Both are awesome, but oh a nice wig re-ingites my curly hair envy!!!  This wig is especially nice, and very Jean Grey-esque.  Oh my curly hair envy!  I have super-fine, dense, super-straight hair.  Easy to comb and style, but it is damn lazy and lays flat all the time.  Of course everyone wishes they had someone else’s hair.  I know. . . In other news, I just remembered I was planning on being a cavewoman this year, when I tried to plan ahead last year.  Oh well.  Just goes to show you that planning ahead only gets you so far.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/08/2007 10:33:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Muscle-y soreness</b>

Some day, I’d like to figure out how to avoid all this soreness in my muscles every morning when I wake up.  I always feel like I’ve spent the entire night crunched up in the tiniest of balls.  Probably the worst is in my shoulders because both swimming and belly dance work those muscles a lot, but I’m not used to it.  The answer is probably stretching, I know.  

It’s Monday again!?  All the days are going by superfast, no?  

I had a horrible nightmare Saturday night that one of my ex-boyfriends had hired a troupe of women to perform in front of my wedding guests, reading excerpts from my blog and such explaining what a horrible person I am, and how crappy a girlfriend I had been.  I woke up, and when I went back to sleep I kept thinking about how to defend myself to the audience but I couldn’t get back into the right dream.  It was rough.  

On a completely unrelated note, weight loss is a weird thing that seems to sneak up on you.  A lot of people fussed over how much thinner I was at the wedding than Christmas break, and then the other night one of my coworkers asked why I had lost so much weight if Andy was so good at cooking desserts.  I’ve lost maybe 10 pounds since Christmas.  It’s frightening if 10 pounds makes such a difference!  I should be super flattered, but it kindof makes me think that I must have been chopped liver at Christmas.  I should try to look on the positive side!  

And finally, on yet another unrelated note there’s a bellydance workshop on Saturday that I don’t think I’ll have time to go to but I kinda wish I would, dealing with another style of the dance, “Raks Gothique.”  There seem to be a lot of styles within bellydance, and I’m still not quite sure what makes this version Goth, because the title itself insists it’s not about KISS makeup.  So far, it seems more like Vampire Masquerade style dancing, but maybe that’s the latent White Wolf gaming nerd in me.  

Ok, back to work!!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/04/2007 11:07:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Newest accomplishment series</b>

It’s becoming a trend, no?  Today I want to laud this married couple’s attempt to make pizza from scratch last night.  I recently acquired Cooks Illustrated’s “New Best Recipe” tome, and so far we had only made a leek soup, which was delicious.  But pizza is even more delicious AND we have a food processor now (yay wedding!), which according to cooks illustrated is the best way to prepare pizza dough.  Also at their advice, I bought an $8 pizza stone at Target to bake it on.  

Of course, the hardest part was stretching the dough, and clearly we both need more practice with that.  Everything seems fine and then all the sudden a gaping hole will open up and patching it doesn’t work so well.  So we didn’t really end up with a round pizza—it was clearly a rustic style.  But it turned out DELICIOUS and I got to have my half with pepperoni—crispy, salty turkey pepperoni!.  I love cooks illustrated because every recipe I make from them turns out ridiculously good, which is especially surprising when the ingredients are so basic.  

For now, the existential job-crisis panic has ebbed, again.  All these highs and lows can make one a little emotionally seasick, you know?  Writing to Alice and scanning the message boards at PhDcomics.com made it better.  There are heaps of other grad students feeling like they don’t belong here and wishing they just had a real 9-5 job.  It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be here—it’s just part of the emotional process.  A painful leg in the journey towards finishing this degree.  Some of the best advice online was to stop putting so much emotional weight into getting the PhD.  It’s a degree and I could stop now and get a good job.  So I can be here by choice, not because I’ve painted myself into a corner.  That does feel a bit better.  Also I’m trying to adopt more of a F**k it attitude about life—which is hard for an absolutely chronic, intense worrier like me.  A little badass zen-ery.  My life is a lot about grad school, but it isn’t all of it, even if some folks think it should be.  Ok, just keep repeating that over and over . . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/01/2007 10:37:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Pat on the back, part deux</b>

My pat-on-the-back moment of yesterday is that I fixed the vacuum cleaner.  At first I thought it was just suffering from years of vacuuming the floors of rooms owned by long-haired people.  This required a half hour of snipping out lengths of hair wrapped around the wheels.

Then I opened up the vacuum and discovered the REAL problem: the belt was snapped in two.  Which meant the brush that rolls as you sweep doesn't roll, which explains why it was taking weight-lifting amounts of force just to clean the hallway.  UGH!

So I went to Target, assuming they wouldn't have the part, but they did!  I brought it home, and installed the belt just in time for the evening quiet hours when you aren't suppposed to run your vacuum (yes, our apartment complex has "quiet hours").  

But yay!  I really love fixing things.  Figuring out how they work, what's wrong, and then making it right again.  Love it.  Can I make THAT into a decent paying career?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/29/2007 11:34:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/gIevaPNDx3c' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/gIevaPNDx3c'/></object></p><p>See, pugs and I have more in common than I once thought!  Neither of us trust monkeys, even stuffed ones.</p></div><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/28/2007 12:41:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>A new name!</b>

I finally got my act together and went down to the Social Security office and DMV to get my name changed after the wedding.  As always, I envisioned it being very difficult and question-filled, but it was in reality straightforward and not all that time-consuming.  Oh well, better to have it go that way than the opposite!

SO now I'm officially not "Amber Soandso."  I'm "Amber Soandso-thisandthat."  I'll admit that aside from professional reasons, I was not sure I could handle swapping out my last name entirely.  With the hyphenation, it's still clear that anything referring to "Soandso" refers to me.  I'm sure there will be still some inherent confusion and craziness (and I've got to now go and notify lots of less-governmental places).  

I bought myself lunch to reward the effort, the change in my name being both not that big a deal and kindof a huge deal.  I've got my shiny new driver's license with my snazzy haircut, which photos beautifully, btw.  Can't wait to show Andy!!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/25/2007 10:40:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Mystery Companies, Uncertain Futures</b>

Today I got an e-mail to the department about a recruiting firm giving an online web presentation aimed at Masters, PhD, and post-doc’s.  I checked out their website and I’m still not entirely clear what they do.  It sounds like they form teams and go help companies out with problems, helping to build strategies and provide consultation . . . business jargon is daunting, but I will give their marketing department props—even without knowing what they REALLY do, it seemed exciting.  So heck, I RSVP’d for the thing. . . we’ll see.  I keep imagining they’ll make me drink orange juice and I’ll wake up on a submarine docked at a strange island. . . 

If there was ever a time for an omen or a vision quest, I feel like now would be good.  It’s that burning “what can I contribute to society” question.  And furthermore, will it help pay off my credit card debt?  It’s just a funny time.  Does anyone else feel like this?  Surely they do.  It’s probably a quintessential 20-something dilemma.  I’m starting to kick out that feeling of living constantly in an out-of-body experience.  I feel a lot more like ME, which this sentence probably can’t ever describe clearly.  

And finally, I’m going to my first UW belly dance club practice tonight—hopefully it will make me feel like I HAVE learned some things about the dance style.  Alternatively, it may make me feel REALLY old.  I still don’t get how undergrads can seem that much younger.  Then again, my sister is an undergrad now, and she’s 7 years younger. . . .ugh, Ok, off drown my sorrows in coffee ?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/24/2007 11:04:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Pat on the back</b>

Ok, this is kinda stupid, but yay for me: 
1) Getting a fair amount of work done in the lab, on a Sunday
2) Sorting all the clothes on the floor and putting them in storage, or for donation, or hung up and pretty.  

Sure, the latter meant I was up till nearly 1AM, and then ended up transfixed on the couch by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satyricon_(film)">Fellini’s “Satyricon”</a> till 1:30AM . . . but it was still better sleep than my bad-dream Saturday-night sleep.  And now my floor is clean, so if I *want* to get a new-old dresser from St. Vinny’s, I’m allowed (that was the deal I made with myself).  EVEN after donating and tossing tons of stuff, I still have a lot of clothes, and not a lot of places to put them.  

Our wedding video arrived in the mail this weekend, and Andy and I watched it Saturday afternoon.  Many months ago, I remember being skeptical about having a videographer—it seemed over the top.  But now I’m glad we did, because it was amazing to see the wedding from a bigger perspective.  All the people crying and having such a good time.  All the DANCING!  It gave this sense of closure about the whole thing: yes it DID happen and yes it was a success!  Also, I got to see what our dance looked like for the first time (even better than I thought we did).  

So now it’s Monday again.  Here we go!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/23/2007 12:41:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/5qO25P4r1o8"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="https://www.youtube.com/v/5qO25P4r1o8" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

This makes me happy, even if I'm just copying everything that shows up on cuteoverload.com.  

Had an AWFUL dream last night.  The one where the boss comes back from vacation and asks, disbelieving, if you've done anything at ALL while they were away.  And then the office calls and tells you that you were supposed to have your committee meeting months ago and so you'll have to have it TODAY, even though you have nothing prepared and it takes weeks to schedule your commitee.  It was just awful, in a most current version of the classic nightmare.  At least after I woke up, and then went back to sleep, I dreamt I was gliding around futuristic Madison on a bicycle and everything had ramps so I could go anywhere, except when I got to the new micro building and then I had to carry my bike up the stairs. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/21/2007 05:08:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Empty Nest</b>

Soon after the wedding, my youngest sibling went away to college.  I had often wondered what my parents would do with an empty house and no one to drive to play practice. . . 

Now they only call me from their new cell phones, and usually they are on the way to somewhere fun--or already there when I call back.  Last week it was off to the mall, this week they were getting Chinese food down in the valley.  It makes me happy.  They have time to spend with each other, and have fun about it.  Maybe just be adults again, instead of parental units.  Yay for them, even if it means I get squeezed into the 15 minutes before they get to the mall. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/20/2007 10:58:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>What is the latch, the pull, the time.  What is the catch that makes it fine?  Where is the groove, the tab underneath the table? The combination.  The thing that sets it all right and humming?  

I feel like I have a million blog entries that flow along the line of “why doesn’t anyone tell you THIS is what being an adult is about?”  Finding the way to make your life hum happy and moving and calm.  At least, most of the time.  

Lately I feel out of gear.  Like when my car needs an oil-change and everything seems squeakier and slower than usual.  Grinding.  Not swift and catching.  What is the thing that will bring it centered again?  Smooth again?  Lit up again?  For now, everything seems to make me angry or tired.  Blargh.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/18/2007 10:01:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/fall2-708076.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/fall2-708074.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a>
<b>No WAY!</b>

This morning, as I was heading out the door, Andy kissed me and told me “HAPPY ONE-MONTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!”

Dude!  A whole month has gone by already?  I guess it has.  We’re just now starting to get back in the swing of things—the apartment is at least unpacked in the living room and kitchen.  We’ve set up our joint savings account for the monetary gifts we received.  I’ve got several copies of the marriage license now, so this week I must go to the Soc. Sec. office to get my name changed OFFICIALLY (after that, the DMV and UW, and so on and so on. . .).  

If you are wondering how married life feels, the easiest answer is “It feels GOOD.”  At the heart of it, it’s that how we’ve felt about each other is official and legally recognized, and when I meet little old ladies in the elevator at the apartment, I don’t feel the need to omit the fact we’re livin’ in sin, because magically now we’re not.

Still, it feels like we’re still working our way to surface back in the real world, which is OK with me.  There is still a glow and haze about life, but we’re moving so fast now I think we’ll zoom back out of the fog soon, in a good way.  

In other news, I got my hair cut shorter again.  This is yet another haircut I’ve wanted for some time but just didn’t have the guts to get into it.  It’s heavily razored so that the ends are very wispy and light, with lots of volume around the crown.  I feel simultaneously hip but also a bit like a dandelion puff.  But I’m loving it.  Tonight is the kick-off for UW belly dance club, which I’m going to give a whirl—I’d have to take beginner, which would be good to have each week alongside my intermediate kicks-my-butt class. . . maybe I’ll feel like I know something?  I’ll keep you posted!

Shout-outs to Alice and Sprite who sent me lovely e-mails which cheered me greatly—and I think you two are the ones who read this the most (anyone else out there, feel free to comment!) so hugs to you!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/13/2007 10:21:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/fall-777544.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/fall-777542.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a>
<b>Declining Twin Peaks Quality</b>

I'm sure I've mentioned at some point how much I love the television show Twin Peaks.  Love love love it.  How much?  So much that I totally plan on making a pilgrimage to where it was filmed, buying a map of key locations, and wandering about.  David Lynch is just a damn genius.  Something about how he films hooks right up into the deeps of my brain.

We've been watching the complete series on DVD, and the second season marks when David Lynch leaves the series, and it progresses on until its end without him, as far as I can tell.  And almost immediately you feel the wind is knocked out of the show.  The weight, the depth is gone.  Also the sound mixing is awful--time for closed captioning just to hear what people are saying.  Did the sound mixer leave with Lynch?  Oh well, I'll stick with it till the end, and then watch "Fire Walk with Me" near Halloween it looks like!  Creepy goodness!



I'm feeling a bit better today.  I finally got back to running yesterday, and I think that helped take the edge off.  With all the little cousins around recently, mom mentioned that I was a pretty hyperactive kid.  And over time of course we're encouraged to sit in our seats for hours and be quiet.  And if I do anything, I aim to please.  So is there still a hyperactive kid inside, wanting to dance and bop around instead of sit here and type?  Maybe that's part of it.  Also, work is frustrating lately.  Being a grad student often means feeling like you don't have a "real" job, and that you aren't fit for anything other than what you currently do (which lately, clearly, is not the best fit for me).  Time for more existentialness, especially since the wedding is over and that big ol' elephant project isn't blocking my view of my "career future."<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/11/2007 02:23:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Do ye wish to be frightened?</b>

Aye, I know ye do.  

Well, one way to get frightened is to go to your myspace profile and skim through the profiles of everyone who graduated your year from your high school.  Where are they now?  What percentage are still in WV?  How many of them have real jobs?  

I'm waiting for a waste pickup here in lab, so I can't leave or get too immersed in anything.  It's lame.  On the bright side, I have new silver ballet flats and they are kinda cute in a magical way.  In the meantime. . . zzzzzz.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/09/2007 01:07:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/pDETrftDnXk' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/pDETrftDnXk'/></object></p><p>I have discovered a new joy in life that will certainly help me get through the days: using the search term "pug" on Youtube. . .</p></div><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/07/2007 11:52:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Reaches one hand out from under rock to type blog entry</b>

Ugh, man.  Just ugh.  

It’s probably that so many good things in my life have happened in miraculous, easy ways.  I’m not bemoaning that luck, no sir.  But it does mean that when things get crappy it can FEEL like total crapfest.  Just, well, like crap.  

It was a really rough belly dance class last night.  Mainly because we started in on using finger cymbals.  The thing was, the addition of the cymbals was supposed to be challenging.  But here I was still hoping to practice the basic stuff—still finding THAT challenging enough, and then crazy freaking cymbal time!  And I decided to be brave and switch to wearing a sports bra so that I could get my motions more correct.  And lord did I need correcting.  Every drill, it felt like I was the only one getting corrected.  Getting pulled aside, slowing down the class. . . 

After a good crying fit and full night’s sleep, I recognize that: 
1.  It’s ok if I just focus on the movements and hold the cymbals.  
2.  It’s really good that I switched over to belly-baring attire, because if that part really is incorrect, it shows and now I’ll get it fixed.
3.  If I was really slowing down the class, I have to believe that the teacher would tell me to drop down to beginner again.  I don’t have the skill or experience to make that decision, but certainly she does. 
4.  Andy regaled me with stories of Ballroom Dance classes where even though other people were doing the moves poorly, he’d get all the criticism in the class, perhaps because they believed he’d benefit most from it.  Maybe I get lots of criticism because there’s some indication I’ll listen and improve from it.  Even if this isn’t true, I’m going to try to believe it.  

The class is good for me, but man did my ego take a big swat!  It’s for my own good, and I want to get better.  But in the mean time, I’ll just feel a little wilted and crappy . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/04/2007 11:37:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Consider me extra-curricular-ized</b>

On the many walks Andy and I took in the months before the wedding, we often joked that we’d have to find hobbies after all this nuptial craziness was over with.  The joke being that certainly grad school would swell back up to fill any gaps in time and sanity left in the wake of no longer planning a wedding.  

But actually, it’s nice to feel like I’m learning new skills, so now I’m in a studio belly dance class (mirrors and nice bouncy floors) and I’ve signed up for swim classes to learn how to actually do various strokes (because I’m mainly a recreational aimless swimmer).  The first belly dance class kicked my butt, again, because I’m still at the bottom of the skill barrel.  But I left elated as always.  Dancing feels good.  And now I’ve signed up for a bra-building workshop to learn how to turn one into a fancy dance top.  Woot!  It’s a completely different set of people and activities, and I’ve become semi-recognizable since I was in the minicourses.  Now if only I could get my steps  smaller and more ladylike . . . 

More wedding photos are over at the picasa site!  I’m still amazed at the quality of photos I’m getting from friends and family. . . what the heck will the professional ones look like?!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/28/2007 02:48:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><span style="font-weight:bold;">Woo-hoo!!!!</span>

Hey folks!  We're married!  

The whole shebang was a rousing success.  And at some point, I need to go and do a thorough recap, because it was an amazing week topped off by a wedding.  It was all even crazier and more fun than I thought it would be, although it was overwhelmingly so at times.  

For now, Sarah has started up a <a href="http://picasaweb.google.com/PollackBertiWedding">photo repository</a> so feel free to stop by and check it out!  Alot of them cover our award-winning first-dance-routine (hah!).  

Today is my day to get re-immersed in "real life" back in Madison.  It's pretty awesome, and frankly as great as all that wedding stuff was, I'm happy to be in this phase: Newlywed Town!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/10/2007 10:43:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Dress Pick-up</b>

Dude, it’s the day of the wedding dress pick-up!  How did we get here so soon? I mean, I’m picking up MY WEDDING DRESS.  It will be in my possession.  To peek at ever 3 seconds.  To worry about incessantly.  Oh boy!  

Tomorrow we’re going to begin our journey to Wheeling for the wedding.  I’ve thought about this trip off and on for months.  I mean, won’t it be a strange trip?  The idea that we won’t come back to Madison single again.  

That and I love road trips.  Something so exciting about packing up the car and hitting the interstates.  Have to get the oil changed!  We’re going to stop over in Indianapolis to break the trip in half—it works nicely.  The key, as always, will be to try to hit Indianapolis during non-rush-hour times.  If not, oh well!   

I just can’t believe we’re here already.  Can’t believe we’re nearly THERE already.  But it’s awesome.  Hopefully whatever I forget at the apartment won’t be *too* key to the wedding ;)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/06/2007 12:28:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/Geckotea-774197.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/Geckotea-774192.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>




<b>OMG, folks, OMG</b>

Thank you to Alice for the awesome gecko-tea picture!  This looks just like my gecko, Skeletor, although I don’t know if he prefers coffee or tea.  Frankly, I think he prefers mealworms.  

It’s just a really strange time.  Driving around on Saturday, I kept thinking “Next Saturday, we’ll be driving back to Wheeling.  The Saturday after that, we’ll be getting married.”

It’s just weird.  I catch myself thinking “Is this really it?  Are we really this close?  Is this what it feels like?”  In a good way, of course.  

The tough part is that it feels like we have a million little details left.  Mainly, I want to get gifts taken care of as much as possible in Madison because there are a lot more shopping options here compared to home.  And I know once we hit the ground in WV there will be even more details awaiting us.  The big message everyone seems to have is that the wedding will be awesome as long as we are happy and enjoy it.  Just have to free ourselves of all these details!

Our motto (mom and Amber’s) seems to be “It will all get done.  We are getting there.”  And it is definitely true.  Even if loads of things we wanted to do fall by the wayside. . . it will still be awesome and meaningful.  As long as we get married, it will have been a success.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/01/2007 01:56:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Perhaps the strangest birthday evar</b>

Hey folks!  I’m 26!  

My birthday was yesterday—I share it with Harry Potter—and I spent a large slice of that pie moving the final pieces of the apartment over to the Monticello.  I had take the entire day off of work to get it done during the course of the day, only to be informed at 12:30PM that the office had expected us out by 12:00PM.  This resulted, of course, in a flurry of mindless packing just to get everything out as fast as we could.  It kindof sucked at the time, but in the end, we got it done, and that feels excellent.  Sure we’re living again in a fortress of boxes, but at least now we can finish the moving-in process at our leisure and without so much carting and heavy lifting.  

Other highlights of my birthday included a full-strength blow to the side of my car with a cart.  My poor hoopty now has a very noticeable dent ?.  I also narrowly avoided what would have been a pretty damn bad car crash: I was turning left onto University Avenue, and a car came flying through the intersection to the right of me (they had a red light).  FLYING through.  I was going slowly through the turn so I missed him.  But I could see in my head the high-speed impact to my passenger side.  Oh the irony of being in a car accident on your birthday.  Whew.  

But it was a nice birthday, really.  Just a strange one!  I just felt a little jinxed (or at least, clumsy and tired).  My whole body ached from the big move, but then we went to our wedding dance lessons and just felt tremendously better.  Loosened and happy.  We practiced doing the entrance to our first dance.  DREAMY!  

I had visited WV over the weekend, and we had a cheesecake and read through my baby book to learn what my 1st and 2nd birthdays were like.  It was funny, but also kindof strange to be sitting in front of my parents as an adult and watching them revisit me as a 2-year-old, just graduating to swinging “on my butt” instead of “on my tummy” on the big-kid swings.  

The wedding is all coming together.  Mom has expanded the duties of our florist to do more decorating, which has relieved a great deal of stress on her.  We have at least 180 people coming to the wedding. . . around 70 people remain unaccounted for.  It is all very odd, how this huge event materializes.  You don’t realize how many decisions you’ve made!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/24/2007 10:32:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>First Night in the New Apartment</b>

Now is a silly-crazy time.  There are so many little things hovering around my head and yet they get taken care of.  Right now, I’ve got moving the apartment on the brain.  We started the move this past Friday, but it’s been a gradual process since there’s still wedding and lab stuff going on.  

But by Monday night we finally had enough stuff moved to the new apartment to sleep there, which was really awesome.  It was a like a camp-out or sleepover, us realizing we needed to pack tooth brushes and silverware.  Our new location is off the main street, so it’s QUIET at night!  Almost so quiet we worry we’ll be the loudest neighbors with our habits of yelling to each other in other rooms.  

What’s heavy and left to move are the dining room set and Andy’s dresser, and both our desks.  Oh yeah, and the TV, since we’ve been promising to host Twin Peaks viewing in the new apartment.  But Walmart’s not going to deliver our TV stand until at least Friday. . . .  Oh well, we’ll rig something up!

Hope everything is well with everyone else.  Today I’ll go try on my fitted wedding dress, which will hopefully still fit.  I get a little paranoid now about gaining or losing too much weight . . . but it will be what it will be!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/16/2007 11:40:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Monday Mornings. . . . blargh</b>

Monday mornings are my most un-productive time.  It’s settling back into the “I’m at lab all day each day this week” routine.  No escaping.  Gotta keep myself here until at least 5 o’clock.  My blog entries are usually on Monday mornings, if only to package up the weekend and send it on its way.  

Things are becoming progressively more wedding-oriented.  Talked to mom on the phone yesterday.  Mom was compelled to reiterate that the wedding was not far away.  She has offered to fly me out to WV for my birthday (the exciting part) with the rationale that “Two weeks after that you’ll be back in WV for the wedding” (the horrifying part).  She says it is for me, because I sound stressed.  To me this is hilarious, because I felt the calmest I had in several weekends.  Oh well.  Maybe I am stressed.  Mom is continually right about everything, and it would help to go home.  She assures me it’s for MY own good, and I insist on going because it’s for HER own good.  So now my flight is booked, and I’m ready to hit WV again, rather unexpectedly.  

So yes, the wedding is a little more than a month away, which seems ridiculous and unreal.  I get to fluctuate between feeling completely unprepared, and then reminding myself that actually we’ve already put together a ton.  RSVP’s are up to around 120 YES’S now, so it’s already a party.  Mainly what’s left is coordination of all these vendors, seating arrangements, and programs.  Oh, I’m sure there are a million OTHER things too, but if we can accomplish these 3 things soon, well, I’ll consider us a success.  

Sarah and I scoped out the Mediterranean Hookah Lounge for potential bachelorette party fun.   It is this swank place situated in a trailer park, so walking to and from it in the parking lot can be a little iffy, but otherwise the drinks and food are tasty, so we considered the recon mission successful.  They have belly dancers each night on the weekends, and it turned out to be one of my teachers this time around!  So yay!

I’ve started running again, which has been much needed indeed.  Running 3-days a week, swimming wheneva’, waltz lessons on Tuesdays, belly dance on Thursdays. . . I’m sleeping a lot better and generally feeling less stressed, which I will credit to all this running and swimming and dancing around.  

This weekend is both Andy’s bachelor party and our move-in to the new apartment.  Wish us both luck!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/11/2007 02:53:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>OMG</b>

<a href="http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=280130727494">Dinner with a very special person</a>

I think even if I could afford it, my head would esplode.  I mean, c'mon.

In my dream world, I would have dinner with Joss Whedon and Stephen King.  Fearing my head would esplode, I wouldn't go, but then Joss and Stephen would decide to collaborate on a television series, co-directed by Ridley Scott and David Lynch.  I'd settle for King and Lynch, or Whedon and Scott.  But man . . . total head esplosion<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/10/2007 11:05:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>All Hail the Anniversary</b>

It occurs to me that on this date a year ago I took my preliminary exam.  Goodness, all the stress and wailing and crying that went up to this date . . . And it was over in 2 hours with everyone chatting and smiling.  No fanfare, no humiliation.  It was just DONE.  

And here I am a year later, and there is still stress and wailing and crying but it’s because of trying to plan some sort of huge wedding.  I have developed the suspicion that if there is NOT something dramatic in my life, I create it.  It’s been a weird year.  A crucible year.  I’ve finally had to confront the idea that I’ve been numbing myself with comics and TV and food and shopping because I’ve been avoiding confronting my career and what I really need from it.  That on some level I won’t let myself get control of my life because I’m addicted to the stress and the drama.  What else have I known in my life as a student?   But now we’re getting to the point where you simultaneously need to become more serious and more silly.  I’ll soon be on the downward slope of my 20’s, and I don’t want to leave them feeling like I spazzed out the ENTIRE time (just some of it, because that is who I am).  

So here I am, anniversary of the prelim.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of Andy asking me to marry him, and that’s a happy one too!  

Oh, and HARRY POTTER TONIGHT!!!!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/09/2007 11:06:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ok, I’m breathing</b>

Imagine me sitting in a rocking chair with a blanket over my legs, while my caretaker leans over to you and says “yesterday was not one of her ‘good days’.”  

Actually, the daytime of yesterday was pretty good.  I slept in a bit, drank coffee.  Did a fair amount of work at lab.  But all the sudden it was 6PM and the pool at the apartment was too crowded with screeching children (and I actually really like children, so WTF?).  I got really snippy and generally cranky.  I think maybe I just needed a damn nap, but didn’t want to give up my remaining weekend.  It was just one of those evenings when you feel there is far too much to do and keep track of and you end up just panicking.  How will any of it get done?  Andy tells me that he used to do the same thing, and after awhile he noticed that when he just let it go till the last minute, it still turned out just fine.  And THAT is a lesson I’m still learning.  

I’m thankful that whatever anxiety I have is not in the disorder range.  Right now is a special, crazy time.  But ugh, there are so many things floating around.  

On the bright side, I think Roger had a very enjoyable birthday this Friday, so that makes me happy.  Despite whatever spaziness I may contain within myself, I’m glad it may not interfere with my ability to keep friends.  My birthday is at the end of the month, and it is a little weird that it’s 26.  It’s a kindof “eh” year.  I think it may be a more low-key birthday with all the other stuff going on.  And that is really OK with me.  

Completely unrelated tangent: man, all these bridal magazines seem to think I should be getting heaps of spa treatments right now.  Massages, manicures, waxing. . . . I wish I had the money for all that, especially a massage.  I DID get some damn fine makeup at the M.A.C. counter, so at least I should photograph well ?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/05/2007 01:01:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.hollywoodjesus.com/movie/lemony/01.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.hollywoodjesus.com/movie/lemony/01.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>
<b>Exhausted, no good reason!</b>

Ever feel like no matter what you do, you just can’t get well-rested?  That’s me man, that’s me.  I keep trying to go to bed at a decent hour.  Keep trying to cut back on caffeine in the late evening.  But then I find myself dying for Starbucks at 5PM and at 1AM I’m playing video games.  Suddenly it’s 8AM again and I wake up feeling like I’ve barely slept at all.  

Today I’m working with radiation again—so far so good.  Everything takes exponentially longer to accomplish when you’re working with radiation, because you have to keep checking to make sure you didn’t get any on your gloves or pipet, and because all your movements are slow and cautious.  Blargh.  Fortunately we haven’t hit record highs this week so wearing a lab coat, closed-toed shoes and gloves isn’t as boiling as it can be.  

Tonight it’s back to Continuing Belly Dance again, which has me nervous because last week Mona said she’d being going easy on us.  I’ve been practicing my form but if I panic or get behind that may all go out the window.  Then tomorrow I’m meeting a new doctor who I’d like to make my primary care provider, because my current doctor makes me feel like I’m at the 15 minute oil change place: he checks a few basic things, writes down my concerns, and tells me everything is fine and see you next year.  And while, for the most part, I think everything is fine, I don’t like the feeling I’m halfway out the door five minutes into my appointment.  This new doctor is a lady and had good ratings on the internet (oh, there has GOT to be a better way to figure these things out).  

Wedding stuff is blurring by even faster.  Andy’s going to contact the reception music folks.  I’m arranging dance lessons for us to work on our first dance.  We continue to leak out new invitations every week or so.  We’re up to 70 some YES’s for the wedding so far.  Sarah and I got our makeup at the M.A.C. counter yesterday, which was insanely fun and glamorous.  The lady who worked with us was funny and enthusiastic.  She wasn’t afraid to say “no, this doesn’t work.”  Once my face was coated in primer and foundation, she cooed “Ooooh, you look like the eldest daughter in that Lemony Snickett movie!” 

I’ve never gotten THAT compliment before, but it was definitely a compliment in my book, and a nice nerdy one at that.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/29/2007 02:38:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Continuing Belly Dance</b>

Oh man, this new belly dance class is going to kick my ass.  I had completed beginning belly dance, and felt like I should probably move on to the next class, “Continuing belly dance.”  But I remembered ladies repeating beginning belly dance, which I thought odd at the time.  Why not just move up and learn new things?

Walking in to the Continuing class, it was a whole different feel than that first day of Beginning.  With Beginning, there were a huge number of ladies, the majority older than I was.  Everyone had looked nervous, awkward.  When I walked into Continuing, each girl was my age or younger.  Lithe and put-together.  I got more smiles this time, though, so that was good.  However, I overheard two girls talking about their upcoming performances, and I started to feel over my head.  Considering I still have trouble getting the left side to do what the right does. . . performance quality I ain’t.  

Warmups started the same, and I felt better.  Same stretches and head movements.  We were doing normal hip isolations when suddenly Mona called “inside outside!” and everyone began flipping their hips forward and backward. . . while my hips were, well, registering a dial tone.  I recovered OK, and the ratio of new to old stuff was admittedly small.  But now, instead of being in the top half of the class. . . I’m maybe only 2nd to last.  The hardest part is not having a mirror in the studio.  I can’t see how my movements “look” to correct them.  And I still have walking problems—at one point Mona grabbed the back of my head and stretched my neck forward, which at the time left me panicked and confused.  More leaning forward, arms more forward, smaller steps. .  

It’s kind of why I love this class already.  I am a perfectionist, especially in the sense that if I can’t do it perfectly the first time I’m too afraid to even try.  And with this form of dance, doing it perfectly the first time is nearly impossible.  My body was trained on ballet and musical theatre, and these movements are completely different.  My muscle memory is in the wrong language, you dig? 

I think I’ve made a breakthrough though.  I think this whole time I’ve been putting my weight too far back.  Hence the walking problems.  You have to unhook your torso from your hips, but you also have to separate that torso from the hips by lifting it slightly up and forward.  Doing that made everything *look* more authentic, and now that I think about it I remember the instructors having this “lifted chest” look that I didn’t notice before.  Holy crap, I may have figured *something* out!  

Regardless, undoubtedly something else will throw me off next week.  I hope that I don’t slow the class down too much, and that I made the right decision by moving up instead of staying in the beginning class.  We’ll see. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/27/2007 02:42:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Clown Love</b>

Oh man, you gotta love that sweet feeling when you hear a band you used to love for the first time in years.  It kindof hurtles you straight back through the time.  Today, I celebrate my renewed love for Insane Clown Posse (ICP).  

I don’t really love clowns (mainly thanks to Stephen King).  But I do love ICP.  The first, and almost only time I heard them was in highschool, riding in Melissa Ashton’s car.  Melissa was the field commander for band that year, and I remember we drove around downtown Moundsville only to end up near the banks of the Ohio River, forcing us to turn around.  I think her boyfriend Jeremy was with us, and maybe my friend Angela and/or Dyann.  All of us band geeks, all of us listening to the dark hip-hop stylings of Insane Clown Posse.  

It is so odd what our brains decide to remember, and what gets filed together to be recalled later.  Easily 10 years later, I’m sitting in lab listening to “Great Melinko” and “Hocus Pocus” grooving to the carnival beat and relishing the gratuitous swear words.  

Melissa killed herself while I was in college, and it’s always been strange since I only heard about any of it, and never saw her after high school.  So when she pops into my head every couple of years, it feels like she’s still around somewhere.  Maybe she is?  As always, who knows?  Today is one of those days that I give her a thought, and hope wherever she is and whatever she’s doing, she’s enjoying it.  In some world, in some time, we’re still laughing and swearing along together.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/24/2007 01:36:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><center><table background="#FFFFFF" border="0" style="border: 1px solid black;"width="450"><td align="center">
<b><font size="+1">Amber --</font></b><br />
<font size="+1">[noun]:</font> <br /><br />A master of storytelling
<br /><br />
<a style="color: #FF0000;" href="http://www.quizgalaxy.com/quiz.php?id=83">'How will you be defined in the dictionary?'</a> at <a href="http://www.quizgalaxy.com" style="color: #FF0000;">QuizGalaxy.com</a></td></table></center>

Since I had the NICEST dream last night (how long has it been since I had a nice dream? ), I will post on this fine sunday whilst waiting for Andy to finish his ritualistic showering.  I dreamt last night that we were at the Florida house on our honeymoon, just lounging around feeling like we should go out and do something.  What made me even happier was that I felt that my Grandma Garvin was there (she passed on several years ago).  I felt like I could talk to her there, and that was a good feeling.  

Once, after she passed away, I dreamt that I got a phone call from her, and she was telling me that everything would be alright and that she would watch over / take care of me.  Are both these dreams contacts from the afterlife?  Ehh, who knows.  I'm happy either way, because I feel like a part of me is here to help and keep me calm, whether it's REALLY another soul or just me.  And man, if I had a choice to be anywhere in this world, the house in Florida is waaay up there on my list.  Just so sunny and calm and happy.  

As for life here in the frozen north, things are still pretty good.  I feel like the peaks and troughs of my moods are much higher--especially low at the end of the days when I get tired.  

In other news, I gave blood on Friday, which left the rest of the day in a giddy haze.  Somehow, the day afterwards is always this beautiful feeling day where you are buildin' new blood cells and taking it easy. . . I hope it helps somebody out there, even if I've got weirdo AB negative blood.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/19/2007 10:24:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Yes, I love technology</b>

Ever since I got my ipod, I’ve been appreciating podcasts.  At first, it was for the simple pleasure restored to riding the bus when I could drown out annoying conversations on cell phones by listening to Savage Love instead.  Then—when my dear fellow got me a year’s subscription to Stephanie Miller—I was laughing out loud in lab and keeping up-to-date on politics and celebutard gossip.

My original reason for getting the ipod, however, was to have SOMETHING to listen to while working out in the fitness room.  I’m not super ADHD, but I still get bored pretty fast.  

The newest and most glorious innovation I’ve come across lately has been the “podcasts for running” series created by a guy in Northern California following the “Couch to 5K” program for beginning runners.  I really enjoyed running last year—couldn’t beat the stress relief.  But for all the running I did last year, I think I’ve returned to uberbeginner status once again.  The guy designed these podcasts for himself to give both background music and running cues, allowing you to leave the watch at home and just RUN as the voice in the earphone tells you to.  I just did day one, week one yesterday, and it was brilliant.  

So I bask in this simple innovation: personal trainers in podcast form.  Why aren’t there more of these?!


Oh, and in other news: two months till the wedding!  Eeeeek!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/18/2007 10:21:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sleep hallucinations?</b>

As you may know, I have a recurring sleep hallucination.  Actually, I don’t know the correct term for it, but that seems to come close.  I’ll wake up in the middle of the night convinced there are spiders in my bed, on the walls, etc.  As I stay awake, that idea fades and I’m eventually able to go back to sleep.  

Last night was something weirder.  I woke up and was convinced that there was an old woman in the bed with me, asleep.  She had white hair and white clothes and was curled up in the fetal position.  After an initial freakout, it looked like she was still there.  I made myself get up, go to the living room, and look out the window until I calmed down.  Then I walked back into the bedroom and there was no old woman there, just Andy.  I went back to sleep.

It’s probably a new flavor of anxiety dream, keeping me from getting a decent night’s sleep of course.  WTF?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/13/2007 12:40:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>In the Cards</b>

I had a lot of dreams last night and in one of them I was telling someone “Oh no thank you, I have my own cards.”

In fact, I do have my own cards, and yes they are tarot cards.  Back in Junior High they were dead-on when I’d do a reading for someone.  These days I do readings just for me.  Even if they contain no connection to a mystical higher power, they do give me the chance to take some random symbols and configure my reality into some sort of pattern.  Like, if a card represents conflict, it lets me think about what conflict I might having going on. . .you get the idea.

After feeling absolutely overwhelmed on Sunday (probably a cocktail of wedding, hormones, and still needing more sleep) I decided to consult the cards.  

I’m represented by a state of paralyzation due to all choices leading to undesirable outcomes, in my mind.  What I want to be is a person of action and achievement.  Crossing this was the Ace of Cups, which represents love and emotions in their most primal form—this makes my goal of becoming a person of action harder.  The past has been kindof stressful and awful, but the future influences were represented by the Queen of Wands—loyalty, constancy, and creativity.  

It looks like their will be money worries in the near future.  Others will view me as wealthy and all-together, while I will likely feel the opposite.  My hopes and fears are represented by the page of wands—a need for a more childlike, creative nature, but a fear that this will bring ridicule and disdain.  I cannot remember what the ultimate outcome card was, but it really was neither good nor bad.  But there was a sense that I will be almost completely drained of energy, and suddenly new strength will emerge.  I’m still waiting for that to come about.  

The whole reading has been on target.  I don’t know where my money has gone to.  I try to get things done but I feel like some days I can’t function because I’m so emotional.  I want to be more creative, optimistic, and maybe a little more trusting and naïve, but that is hard to do.  We’ll see.  Right now, I just wish I had a nap written in those cards.  . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/11/2007 11:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>I feel like the emotional equivalent of a toe blister: everything seems damn fine one minute, and then I get hit the wrong way and the world is ending.  

And since coffee is the only thing that evens me out, well . . . I can't take coffee at night. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/08/2007 11:03:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>It's Friday!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/07/2007 10:04:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>It’s stupid/silly to be sad</b>

Well, at least it FEELS like it is stupid to feel sad when you know that it’s a normal feeling to be feeling.  I always lament how busy I am, how crazy life is.  But then it slows down and I get bummed and feel lost.  Yeah, I think that might qualify at least as silly.

There are about five million wedding things to do, it feels like.  Mainly, if we can get the darn invitations out of the door I think the rest will become more do-able.  But we keep needing new addresses or corrections . . . blargh. 

The bright side of the wedding plan is that I’ll get my first dress fitting on Saturday—it will be pinned to look like the REAL THANG.  The hems will be correct, the bodice will fit. . . ahhhhh.  I’m happy I ordered it a long time ago with extra fabric, because I don’t have to go through the panic that my dress won’t fit before even being fitted.  

Now is just the silly mixed-feelings time that the wedding books and boards tell you about.  None of these feelings relate to my choice in future husband—that part I know I got right.  It’s just the weird feeling that a part of your life is over, even though so little seems like it actually changes.  Oh well.

Last night I dreamt 3 things: 
1.  Mom was flipping out about the wedding.
2.  I decided to become a meteorologist and studied tornadoes
3.  I was asleep in a bed in a yard.  I woke up and there was a tour de france parade of bicyclists flowing by my bed.  They each wore paper mache masks with colorful paper.  I remember a monkey and a parrot.  I could see their faces behind the masks, and they looked as confused to see me as I them.  What’s up with that?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/05/2007 10:40:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> the truly spastic nature of time and me</b>

Well folks, count yourselves lucky that I already e-mailed Alice with a huge “wedding update” entry, because I won’t post it here (Although perhaps if it Alice reading this, well, she’s had to deal with it regardless).  

Let’s review the last two weeks in brief, shall we? 

<b>Week One: ASM General Meeting in Toronto, Canada</b>
If only Toronto were on an ocean, I’d be moving there tomorrow.  It’s this clean, multilayered city with sushi on every block.  We’d wake up every morning, grab a cup of coffee and walk 30 minutes to the convention center, through the financial district.  The energy was amazing.  

The conference itself was as huge and crazy as people had warned me.  We’d joke that we were exhausted by the end of the day not only from all the walking but also from all the glucose our brains were burning.  As I have tried to describe the conference to people, I’ve felt like I didn’t pay attention to the right details.  How large was the conference?  Who was there?  I’m going to spend much of this afternoon processing all that information in the hopes of coming up with something more useful.

Maybe the best part of the conference was that feeling of being surrounding by masses of nerdy, brilliant people.  Likely this is akin to gaming, anime, or sci-fi conventions, minus attendees in catgirl outfits.  I did see one scientist in stiletto boots though. . .   

<b>Week Two:  Home in WV for sister’s HS graduation and wedding planning</b>
As for wedding planning, let’s just say we have a “real” wedding now.  It’s time-lined.  

As for my sister graduating high school: I’m thrilled for her.  A little jealous since I loved college and miss not having to pay bills or decide what to make for dinner.  Of course what I really miss is that feeling that all my coursework is done and I can do whatever.  Grad school means always having something you could be doing.  But I digress.  

The best parts of being home generally involved sitting on the porch drinking coffee and playing with the dogs.  The feeling of not having to be anywhere or doing anything.  Plus, my family now co-owns a pug, “Pugsley” or “Buhdda” depending on what you feel like calling him.  He was basically the cutest thing I’ve ever ever seen, especially because he does everything the big dog Mocha does, including carrying around deer bones and swimming in the pond.  Though pugs are not generally country dogs, he’s taken to it quite well.  Andy and I have puppy fever, and it was tough to leave the dogs behind.  Oh, and the family too!

So now we’re back in Madison.  The only red-alert deadlines are wedding deadlines.  The undergrads are gone for the summer, there’s a storm every night, and the pool is open.  I’m hoping that I can slow down and enjoy it all, but of course that’s easier said than done.  It’s the last unmarried summer I expect to see!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/21/2007 12:52:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Off we go!</b>

Time for some international travel, friends and neighbors.  Toronto here we come!  Have a happy 2nd half of May!  

hugs,
-Amber-<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/17/2007 04:04:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Oh dear. . . </b>

Last night I woke up convinced there were spiders in my bed.  I jumped up, may have screamed, and began pulling the covers off the bed and shaking them out, looking for spiders.  Then I woke up enough to realize I had probably dreamed the spiders, and so went back to sleep.  

Today I apologize to Andy about my crazy spider antics last night.  "I must have been really stressed." I told him.  He replied,

"Hon, you do that almost every night.  Either that or sit straight up in the middle of the night and say 'Oh, it's just you . . . '"

You certainly learn things about yourself when you live with another person, but this is something I had no idea I did on a regular basis.  I'm also not sure how much this phenomenon has related to my crushing fear and stress about going to the national general meeting for microbiologists on Monday to present a poster. 

Please just keep reminding me I won't live like THIS forever.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/08/2007 11:06:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Unhook your chest from your hips. . ..</b>

Man, now is a strange time in my life.  Oh yeah, I know, I say THAT about 50 times a year along with “I’m busy” and “Things are crazy,”  But seriously folks, this last set of months have been stranger and more transformative than most.  

It has been seeded by the direct alignment of “I’m getting married” and “What do I want to do for a living” which resulted in a lot of belly-button gazing.  More than even usual.  At this point, the books “The Conscious Bride” and “Do What you Are” really pulled me through, along with sage advice passed on by Alice: “Allow room for serendipity in your life.”  

It was a theme that echoed through Life Sciences Career Day: “Don’t worry about your career so much.  What is important is to be open to opportunity.”  

Then I started taking my beginning belly dance class, which changed me even further.  At first I thought it would just be fun and pretty.  Then I found that it was a challenge to get my body to move in a totally different way.  I thought my years in ballet class had come in handy, because I could memorize a routine.  I thought my years in marching band had come in handy, because I could keep rhythm and stay in a line.  But then it was the end of class and we did the routine one last time and without the teacher up there, I kept messing up.  All the movements felt stiff and stretched and jerky.  

The next day I woke up and realized I knew I had missed the key to belly dancing.  It was in the first two movements we practiced: torso isolations and hip isolations.  Move your chest without your hips, move your hips without your chest.  If you want folks to notice your hips, you must unhook your chest from the movement.  All through the class, I had wanted to make everything BIG and stretched and linked.  But the dance is actually small, and it’s the isolation, the contrast that makes it look so striking.  

Somehow—although I’m doing a poor job of elaborating it—this unhooking of body parts feels like the absolute embodiment of what has been going on the last couple of months.  I have let go of a certain degree of worry.  Thanks to the book “Getting Things Done: the art of stress-free productivity” I’m starting to become a real multitasker, and instead of worrying about all the things I have to do and locking up in stress. . . I just do it.  And suddenly when I’m not working I’m actually relaxing.  When I stop worrying about what I don’t know in science, these creative ideas for projects flow out.  I’m unhooking all the irrational worrying from my work.  One muscle at a time.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/04/2007 11:46:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I thought of a great title last night, but now I’ve forgotten it</b>

Numbered list time, everyone!

1.  I have *just* enough time between now and when I need to print my poster to get some good work done on my project.  I’m on the keen edge of zen and freaking out, because it’s just barely enough time and I need to keep moving to get it all done.   Which of course makes me want to just go home and nap until it’s all over.

2.  Saw Spiderman 3 last night. . . ehhhh.  I left feeling like I would’ve rather seen the trailer for Harry Potter: Order of the Pheonix about five more times in its place (it rocked my face right off).  I am told the review in The Onion is spot-on for S3.  To me, it just seemed like they tried to take 2-3 movies and wrap them all into one crappy thread.  I have now been let down by the Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars, and Spiderman franchises.  WTF people.  

3.  Today we’re gonna check out a possible new apartment for August.  The idea that we could have that taken care of today is beyond exciting.  My life is endless checklists, currently.  Like. . 

4.  I’m waiting for my passport to arrive.  The website states that passports will arrive within 10 weeks of the application date, which would be TODAY.  I don’t understand why you can track your application online but can’t determine if your passport has been sent or not.  It seems like it creates even more work for the overloaded passport agencies.  Because now I’m gonna have to call and find out where it is.  

5.  While I’m stressed about getting ready for ASM in Toronto, I am excited to be visiting Canada again.  But of course I’m even more excited to be visiting home in the spring.  It is so pretty then AND it’s a more accurate picture of what it will look like in August.  We will be doing major wedding stuff whilst there . . . and the wedding is only a little more than 3 months away (eeeeeeeek!).<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/30/2007 12:52:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Recurring dreams dictionary?</b>

One of my fluffy hobbies is interpreting my dreams and other people’s dreams.  Mainly mine, of course, because I’m the one having them, eh?  

It seems like there is certainly a common language of dreams across individuals.  For instance, it has been a weird relief to learn that other grad students have had the full spectrum of class and exam-related dreams.  Projects due and we have no idea how to do them, papers that should have been written weeks ago . . . You get the idea.  They still haunt us years later.  

In particular, anxiety dreams are so common it is amazing.  I mean, the fact that “my teeth are falling out” is common dream strikes me as amazing.  

But I feel like within the common themed dreams that each person has an individual vernacular.  Repeating dreams that are specific and utilized by the subconscious to tell their owner something about what they are feeling but perhaps not confronting.  Here are some of my common ones: 

1.  Tornadoes (things that are out of my control).
2.  Spiders climbing around all the walls (I get this sometimes when I sleep in a new place).  
3.  The incredible shrinking pet.  In this one, I have a pet that gets smaller and smaller as the dream goes on, as though they are regressing back into embryonic form.  They become so tiny and slimy and raw that I inevitably squish them or injure them beyond help.  (I have become fixated on the details of something).  

Last night I had what feels like only the second time I’ve had this particular dream.  A new bit of lingo perhaps?  I dreamt that I was pregnant and in late term.  Like the last time I had this dream, I couldn’t recall the months leading up to this.  A lot like my wedding dreams where it’s the day of the wedding and I can’t remember anything leading up to it.  I spend a lot of the dream holding my belly and pushing the baby to be head-down so that it will not breach.  Even after waking up, that feeling of pushing and wiggling is still with me, and it does kindof creep me out a bit, but in the dream it didn’t.  I keep waiting around it to be time to go to the hospital, but it just never happens.  I feel happy but impatient.  

Suddenly the baby is already in a crib and I’m trying to figure out what to tell everyone at work, and my parents.  I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen, although somehow I’ve hidden this fact for months.  I decide I’ll put the baby up for adoption.  I walk over to the crib and a toddler hops up and says “I’m four years old!” The toddler is aging before my eyes, becoming an adolescent.  She dances around and I feel like I have no control over it.  

Reading online, the pregnancy and belly metaphors come across as signs of potential things being released soon.  Also of doing a lot of soul-searching and general looking inward.  As for the magical fast-aging baby. . . . I think that’s my grad school career.  It is an odd detail that the baby is immediately 4 years old (the number of years I’ve been in grad school).  Could reflect that feeling that my years of grad school have already gotten away from me, and suddenly I’m left with this big responsibility to take care of it and use it to get a real job.  Oh well, weird stuff that makes my tummy feel quite weird. . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/26/2007 10:56:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Planes, Trains, and Automobiles</b>

Ok, I’ll be honest: there were no actual trains.  But I figured trains of thought could count.  

My Grandpa Pollack died over the weekend, and so I flew back to WV for the funeral this week.  The plan was to fly into Pittsburgh and rent a car to drive to Fairmont on Monday.  Attend the funeral on Tuesday, and then fly back out on Wednesday.  I had wrestled with whether or not I should go: leaving work means setbacks, and flying and renting a car is a financial setback too.  But I decided I needed to be there.  I knew that I would always regret not going, at the very least.  

So off I flew on Monday, hopped into my red hot rental car, and drove a surreal journey through the hills of Pennsylvania and West Virginia.  I mean, c’mon, earlier that day I was in the Wisconsin flatlands working in lab, and suddenly I was home.  

I could tell you all about the funeral, all about what happened and who I saw, but I know it can’t do it justice.  Let’s just say it ended up being a beautiful spring day, and we sang old-time songs at Grandpa’s grave while my dad played the banjo and my aunt played the guitar.  Things like “I’ll Fly Away” and “May the Circle Be Unbroken.”  

I want to tell you how odd it all felt to have him REALLY gone.  He’s been declining mentally for years, and when we visited at Christmas he couldn’t say much.  I have been so happy for him to be free of that sort of life.  But while we knew he’d never get better, we still kept up his house and all his photos.  At the end of Tuesday, relatives were taking down photos off the wall, and I felt how real it was.  I’d visited that house for two decades of Christmases and Easters, and stared up at all those photos of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  And now the only photo left up there was Grandpa and Grandma.  And I think that one will be gone soon as well.  

Back in Wheeling at my house, mom let me play with all her jewelry—I’m trying to decide what to wear for the wedding.  At least, that was a reasonable excuse.  I’ve always loved going through mom’s jewelry; she always trusted me with it.  We decided on a multi-strand pearl necklace that was her grandmother’s.  So now I’ve got mom’s veil and a great-grandma’s necklace.  Trying them on together was just plain weird, though.  It’s like we’re getting ready for a play and I’ve got most of my costume on, and I can see the character I’m playing.  It’s just odd.  

Anyway, I lay awake in my old bed that night, trying to soak in as much of the “I’m at home” feeling as I could.  Part of me wanted to hop in my car and drive around town just to assure myself Wheeling, Sherrard, Glen Dale were all still there.  The longer you are away from a place, the more it seems like an imaginary universe you made up.  You start to forget where things are and they crumble a bit in your mind.  Heck, sometimes you drive by a place now and it’s changed or gone altogether.  My bed, in my house, felt like a pocket dimension I was visiting in my sleep.  These days, I feel like I borrow time as a part of that house.  I pretend to be just a kid again, going through mom’s necklaces and eating eggs that dad has cooked for me.  But that’s getting harder and harder to do.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/19/2007 10:15:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> You know it’s a good day when . . . . </b>

<a href="http://cuteoverload.com">Cuteoverload.com makes it “Pug Day”</a> and perhaps you kindof like pugs a lot.   

I have puppy fever.  

Oh man, god bless my future husband (I’m trying to get the hang of saying the ‘H’ word).  Usually I get super depressed and pissy just once a month, but was hit with a bonus round this Monday and Tuesday.  When I’d emerge from the angry fog and apologize to him, he’d say it was ok and everyone gets in a funk from time to time.  So there.  Everyone, we’re allowed to get into funks.  It’s really ok.  

And finally, an update on how the wedding keeps growing like some sort of cave monster fungus:   Mom called last night to let me know that we’re getting a videographer and additional violinists (we were just going to have one).  I’m really lucky she’s funding this thing, but sometimes it’s disturbing how it grows in size and likely cost.  I’m trying not to worry about it so much because it’s not my money, and I can only try to be reasonable in my requests and if she wants to add on stuff, well, that is ok with me if it is what she wants to do.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/13/2007 05:01:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Magical Psychic Mom Wedding Brain Link</b>

This has stepped up a notch in freaky.  

About a week ago, I was drifting off to sleep when the image of a planter full of coleus came into my brain.  I'd been looking at wedding flower books, and I thought "hmm, that might be a nice centerpiece. . . zzzz."  I sent my mom a note telling her about the idea in the morning.  She replied,

"you do realize that I'm looking at the seeds I've been germinating in the window.  They are coleus seedlings!"

That was weird.  But it got even weirder today.  I had sent my mom an e-mail and mentioned I had dreamt we all flew to Hawaii for the rehearsal dinner.

"We have to stop doing this."  She replied in her e-mail.  "I was at the party store last night looking at lei's, and thinking to myself "the theme, the theme?  Wouldn't a Hawaiian theme be fun?"

I'm just sayin' . . . weird!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/10/2007 10:58:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Chasing after sleep and perspective</b>

Lately seems like I just can’t get a good night’s rest.  Last night I even took some Tylenol PM—which tends to guarantee me a consistent straight-through-the-night sleep—but woke up feeling even more groggy.  Lately, according to an eye-witness, I’ve taken to sitting bolt-upright in my sleep and gasping in fear.  I only vaguely remember this myself.  

It seems like the luxury of an adult, to overanalyze and wring my hands over sleep when people suffer violence and starvation elsewhere.  But it’s making it hard to think at work in a “big picture” fashion, which I need to do lately.  Especially lately.

I want to send a shout-out to my dear Alice, who sent me a very heartening e-mail about figuring out what to do with one’s life.  She’s totally right, I need to leave room for serendipity.  Know where I am at point A and only worry a bit about point B.  I take my Dad’s life as inspiration, because he is a serendipity lightning rod.  Seriously.  He’ll mention somebody in conversation and he’ll just run into them later on at the grocery store.  He’ll go to a conference a make friends with a random person who ends up being exactly the guy he needed to run into to set up a podcast for his radio show.  

Now [as the coffee starts to kick in] I think maybe at best I got 50% of this latent ability.  I mean, you know how I got here into this PhD program?  

1.  Fall of 2000: I had to pick a topic for my microbiology class at Hiram.  I liked glowing stuff so I went to the index of my textbook and found a chapter on <span style="font-style:italic;">Vibrio fischeri</span> and the squid.  I really enjoyed reading the journal articles as well, and gave a nice presentation.

2.  Spring of 2002: I wanted to do another summer internship, and I thought, what the heck, I’ll e-mail a bunch of people who have published on the squid system and just say “Hey, I know how to do basic science and I love your system: do you have any money to support an internship?”  and it actually worked.  I spent the summer in Hawaii doing science and being IN HAWAII.

3.  Fall of 2002: I kept in contact with the post-doc I worked with in Hawaii, and she said “hey, heads-up, my boss is moving to UW.  You should apply to graduate school there.”  And I did.

4.  Spring of 2003: I was accepted into the program and liked it all so much that I moved here.

It is just weird to think how much hinged on that one textbook, or even just that one professor’s idea for an assignment.  I’m sure wherever else I’d have ended up would have been good too, but I’m very happy with this one.

Some days I don’t really know why I went to graduate school.  I’ll be the first to admit I don’t have a burning desire to do benchwork.  I love learning new stuff.  I do feel like it has taught me to be more critical and more ballsy, for me at least.  Time for some deep breathing, and soul-searching in a non-panicky fashion.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/06/2007 03:11:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Self-help</b>

Oh, you know, it’s that time in your life when you’re wondering what you’re supposed to do with your life.  It’s not that I hate my job as a graduate student, it is that I feel like I definitely don’t want to do this for the rest of my life.  And then the inevitable question becomes: “Well, what DO you want to do?” To which the immediate answer is: “I really don’t know.”

I’ve always been a really good student.  Straight A’s with a B thrown in for variety, mostly.  The only classes I ever did poorly in where Math and Physics.  You think you should pick your career based on your strengths, but what if you are decently good at a lot of things? 

My best testing area was always Verbal, with especially good marks in reading comprehension.  I have always felt like an English major trying to pass as a scientist.  Imposter syndrome is apparently quite common among graduate students.  So why even bother with science?

PROS
1.  I love the people.  Biologists are strange, smart, and often hilarious.  I spent a lot of my life feeling really weird compared to everyone else, and here I feel amongst my own kind.

2.  I love learning about weird-ass stuff that I’ve never heard about before.  Understanding how the world works and all the amazing feats microscopic organisms can accomplish that we can’t.  Working in science is to be handed a black box, and then try to figure out what is going on inside the box just by asking questions.  But this is also what can drive me crazy about it sometimes.  

3.  I do also love the prestige.  That I am not doing something mundane.  That every day I am surrounded by brilliant people, famous people.  

CONS
1.  What I don’t love about the job is the feeling that I can’t make any progress.  That I am adrift in a project that will never let me go.  The feeling that I am running in place and not getting anywhere.  

2.  I also often feel like I don’t have enough questions.  I’m curious, but not curious enough?  I get tired of thinking of the same project day in and day out.  I thought I’d love getting to this stage, but it actually exhausts me, because I have thought so much about it that I can see all the flaws in the project.  All the ways it’s going to go wrong and be worth none of my time.    The science is satisfying when it works, but soul crushing when it doesn’t.  Like I don’t have the intellectual stamina for it.  

3.  Finally, I return to the imposter syndrome.  I love putting together visuals and writing protocols and journal entries.  I feel like I don’t get to create much here.  Don’t feel that creative.  

Have you made it through my rambling this far?  Excellent.  I’m trying to figure out what makes me happy, at least at work.  So I got out “Do What You Are” from the local library, to figure out what the heck I am.  I swiftly had to come to terms with the fact that I classify as an introvert.  Compared to my grad student demographic, I’m decently social.  Middle-of-the-road I’d say.  
But I fall nicely into the “introvert” pattern.  I like to think before acting.  I take awhile to genuinely warm up to someone, and I usually keep a very small circle of true friends.  My brother is a lot like this, but then my dad and sister are very extroverted.  They make friends everywhere, they know everyone . . . I’ve always envied that.  I always went after supporting roles in the plays, because they were stranger and less competed-for, and let me do my own thing.  Ach, this is more rambling.

I’m an “INFP” Which is Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, and Perception.  

http://linus.highpoint.edu/~bblatchl/infp.html

I’m not sure this gets me anywhere just yet, but the description IS dead-on. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/04/2007 10:52:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Winter returns. . . damn</b>

Well, March was all pretty and springlike and suddenly in April it's winter again.  We had flurries today (BLARGH)

Anyway, wanted to share this morsel from cuteoverload.com today, because it has a warming goodness about it:

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Also, I just found <a href="http://rathergood.com/300_kittens/">this other movie</a>, and it pairs well with the first.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/02/2007 10:58:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>The Un-weekend</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">You know, I realize that having a non 9-5 job has its perks.<span style="">  </span>My hours are my own choosing.<span style="">  </span>The problem is that some weekends you just end up in lab all the time, and then you start to envy the M-F 9-5 lifestyle.<span style="">  </span>Just sayin’ . . . </p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I opened my very first safety deposit box this weekend.<span style="">  </span>It is one more check on the list of “things that adults do.”<span style="">  </span>What struck me hardest was all security.<span style="">  </span>Silly, I know, because of course a safety deposit box would be safe.<span style="">  </span>But opening the box is like launching a missile: the bank has a key and you have a key and both keys must be present to unlock the box. <span style=""> </span>And the bank doesn’t want to know what’s in there, so you are ushered to a private room to add/remove stuff.<span style="">  </span>Quiet time with your most irreplaceable things.<span style="">  </span>Or at least the most semi-irreplaceable things.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I’m also making some headway on getting junk out of the apartment.<span style="">  </span>Many garbage bags of clothes I don’t wear have been taken to <st1:place>St. Vincent</st1:place>’s.<span style="">  </span>Now that I know how to do that, there’s just an eternal donation-bag stack in my room.<span style="">  </span>I’ve got lots of crap I don’t use or need anymore that someone else may want.<span style="">  </span>It’s headway.<span style="">  </span>Mainly I’ve got a lot of college paraphernalia that needs to get culled next.<span style="">  </span>Lots o’ paper goods!<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">We also had our first tornado warning of the season, which is always exciting.<span style="">  </span>I love spring storms!</p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/30/2007 11:12:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>I’ve got a scarf, it jingle-jangles</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I feel that my second beginning belly dance class was a total success.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="">  </span>Things seemed a bit easier to do than last time.<span style="">  </span>A couple of moves “clicked” finally, where I imagine they got unplugged from strict consciousness and got hooked up to the cerebellum fully.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="">  </span>I made at least one friend, named “Sue” who seems pretty funny.<span style="">  </span>I feel like such an introvert, but I try to stay smiley and approachable.<span style="">  </span>If I make one new friend each time, that will be at least, like, 6 new people.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="">  </span>I succeeded in my mission to buy the jingliest hip scarf I could find.<span style="">  </span>I went with a teal, Egyptian-style scarf with gold coins.<span style="">  </span>It is a good thing I like my behind so much, because now its adorned in coins and clangs.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I’m totally loving this class.<span style="">  </span>In part because it’s an excuse to wear pretty things and move in a girly way.<span style="">  </span>But also because it’s not easy.<span style="">  </span>I’ve got a good sense of rhythm and I’m used to learning routines quickly, but the body isolations take practice.<span style="">  </span>“Resist the temptation to show me your hip when you do that” the teacher said.<span style="">  </span>We were doing this move where you tighten your obliques and your hip raises, but it has to raise to the right or the left, not to the front.<span style="">  </span>It was hard to resist the temptation.</p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">OH!<span style="">  </span>And you will be relieved to hear that, so far, Oscar has not fallen out!<span style="">  </span></p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/27/2007 10:44:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>Mailing extravaganza</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Dude.<span style="">  </span>So many envelopes, so many stamps.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">To contrast the ubersciencey fiesta I had last weekend, I tried to make this past weekend more relaxing and practical.<span style="">  </span>Part of the roster included finishing the thank-you notes for the two wedding showers I had over x-mas.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I’m a little ashamed it took this long to get them done (Christmas to nearly April!).<span style="">  </span>But my mom always told me that it’s much better to send thank you notes late than not at all.<span style="">  </span>So there you go.<span style="">  </span>Andy kindly addressed the envelopes, and that helped make it less maddening.<span style="">  </span>It took more than 50 envelopes (I know because I ran out of thank-you notes and had to drive to Target).<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Now they are done, and I didn’t realize how much it was bugging me to not have them done.<span style="">  </span>Tossing the stacks upon stacks into the mail slot felt sublime.<span style="">  </span>I’m going to pretend I won’t need to write exponentially more thank-you notes for the wedding (in theory, not being presumptious!!!).<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">It’s was 75 yesterday, which was great but not so great at the same time: no air conditioning in the lab.<span style="">  </span>I feel like spring has come really fast this year.<span style="">  </span>I’m not complaining.<span style="">  </span></p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/23/2007 10:57:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>You must find Oscar. . .</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I was watching a DVD my parents sent me of my sister in the local Queen of Queens Pageant.<span style="">  </span>During the Q&A section, they asked her how long she’s been into singing, to which Liz responded she had loved singing since an early age.<span style="">  </span>Seemed an easy answer to give.<span style="">  </span>Personally, I think a lot these days about what I was passionate about as a kid.<span style="">  </span>I’m trying to tease apart that “what should I do with my life” knot, you know?<span style="">  </span>What did I used to love doing, before I thought about what would make me money or make my parent’s friends envious.<span style="">  </span>I’ve been told my plan was to be a scientist and own a Mexican restaurant.<span style="">  </span>I recall also wanting to be a singer or dancer, and (after Silence of the Lambs) an FBI agent.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Of course, the sticky truth seems to be that finding a job with all the things you love is damn hard.<span style="">  </span>I would love a job where I got to design visual aids and find fun ways to spin a concept or help people understand it, a job that let me travel, but that also had a day-to-day routine like maybe a little paperwork.<span style="">  </span>But then I also like making things.<span style="">  </span>Some days I wish my job was about crafting things that I could see at the end of the day: visible progress.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">But now I’ve veered off topic, as usual.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I always loved to dance.<span style="">  </span>I quite ballet because the girls had gotten snobby, and I was getting too tall.<span style="">  </span>I was the kind of girl who was constantly doing dance solos in my room with the door locked, all the way through early college.<span style="">  </span>Then I started living with a guy, so it seemed a little weird to lock the door to the bedroom we shared.<span style="">  </span>Dancing got low priority.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">And then, after the big break-up, there was this hot guy in our group of friends who liked ballroom dancing.<span style="">  </span>Do you see where this is going?<span style="">  </span>Someone else who loved dancing.</p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I decided earlier this year that I needed to get back to dancing just for me.<span style="">  </span>I know, it reeks of that “I need to learn more about meeeee” American woman BS, but oh well.<span style="">  </span>I decided to take Beginning Belly Dance through UW.<span style="">  </span>My fear was that it would be packed full of lithe undergrads who would pick everything up immediately and look far better doing it.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Fortunately, when I walked into the room yesterday, it was mostly ladies my age or older.<span style="">  </span>Unfortunately, most of them were in pairs—it was clear they had agreed to go take the class together—so that made socialization hard on day one.<span style="">  </span>But everyone laughed and it was an awesome first class.<span style="">  </span>All those crazy isolations and gyrations felt good.<span style="">  </span>My least favorite part of me is my midsection—always has been—so I’m happy to find a reason to enjoy it finally.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">The hardest part is keeping your lower abdomen tucked in a little the whole time.<span style="">  </span>We have to pretend that we are carrying a shallow fishbowl in there, with a fish named Oscar in it.<span style="">  </span>“Check your Oscar!” the teacher will call out.<span style="">  </span>So I try to keep the imaginary fish in my belly, and shimmy away as best I can!</p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Next week there will be hip scarves for sale.<span style="">  </span>I’m hoping to pick up the loudest, most jingle-y one there.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/20/2007 11:07:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>Back to it</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Oh man, I felt like I was finally starting to get my life into a serviceable routine.<span style="">  </span>What time to get up in the morning and what to eat for breakfast.<span style="">  </span>What to listen on the bus ride to work, and what to do once I got there.<span style="">  </span>Back at home, I had a time to work out and a time to lift weights.<span style="">  </span>Shows to watch while re-hydrating and books to read right before bed. . . . </p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">And then I went out of town for a science conference in <st1:city><st1:place>Chicago</st1:place></st1:City>.</p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">It was a great conference, but I got up at completely different times, ate completely different things for breakfast. .<span style="">  </span>. ehhh, you get the picture.<span style="">  </span>It was good, but now I’m feeling like daylight savings time amplified.<span style="">  </span>I don’t know what time of day it is, or what I should be doing.<span style="">  </span>Flux!<span style="">  </span>Oh well, it will come back together here soon, maybe.</p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Whilst in <st1:city><st1:place>Chicago</st1:place></st1:City>, I rode the L-train into the city with Sarah and another grad student in our lab.<span style="">  </span>The ride in was pretty much magic.<span style="">  </span>I’ve ridden subways before, but the L-train takes you in-between skyscrapers like the monorail at Epcot (but real).<span style="">  </span>I’ve only been in <st1:city><st1:place>Chicago</st1:place></st1:City> once, and it was a direct in-and-out visit to my Aunt’s place near Navy Pier.<span style="">  </span>This time around, we were headed to the Shedd Aquarium on a perfectly clear blue day.<span style="">  </span>I saw all the buildings, all the architecture.<span style="">  </span>It was awesome.<span style="">  </span>There was this weird thought that kept ticker-taping through my head: “WOW a real city!<span style="">  </span>They do exist outside of TV and movies!”<span style="">  </span>which I really did know beforehand, but it’s amazing to see the real thing.<span style="">  </span>I’ve traveled, and I was born in <st1:city><st1:place>L.A.</st1:place></st1:City>, so you think this wouldn’t surprise me so.<span style="">  </span>But I’ll have to remember that I spent MOST of my life in <st1:state><st1:place>West   Virginia</st1:place></st1:State>, with <st1:city><st1:place>Pittsburgh</st1:place></st1:City> being the closest big city.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I will have to go back to <st1:city><st1:place>Chicago</st1:place></st1:City> now.<span style="">  </span>Maybe someday to <st1:city><st1:place>New   York City</st1:place></st1:City>.<span style="">  </span>I feel like I need to work my way up the chain. . . </p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/14/2007 10:25:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Frog in my throat, or possibly sea urchin. . . .</b>

Blargh.  I've been mildly sick for maybe a week or so now.  The main theme of this sickness is the feeling I have something stuck in my throat that I just can't clear.  Not with any amount of coughing.  Monday it reached its apex: I had the fun fever-chill combo, plus the feeling that someone was doing a handstand on my lungs.  Blargh.

I'm giving a talk on Saturday, so I'm hoping this thing eases up enough for me to make it through a half-hour at least.  The cool part is that the meeting is in Chicago and I'll probably get alot of great input on my project.  I'll also hopefully visit the Shedd Aquarium and *maybe* the Field Museum. 

Man, I thought I was busy these last couple of months, but really, NOW I'm busy.  Work is taking off more, and still I've gotta finish those thank you notes. . . My dreams phase between the wedding, driving from WI to WV, and lab experiments.  Oh dear, oh dear.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/09/2007 02:48:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Strangely Good</b>

Listening to Ace of Base, a decade after it was even close to cool.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/08/2007 11:40:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b>Love your messes</b></span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">In my writing assistant class at Hiram, we had to read </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird.”</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">It was one of many guides for writing, but some of the lessons were actually useful.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">My favorite was: </span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">“Love your messes,” which was a lesson that single-handedly changed my term paper writing style. </span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">The idea was that perfectionism makes us want to edit as we go, to create as little mess as possible to go back and clean up.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">And that results in DAMN SLOW PROGRESS.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Her advice was to only edit in hindsight, if possible.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Just dump everything that comes across your mind onto the paper, THEN go back and make it good.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Love and expose your messes, and then use that perfectionism to polish them into gems.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Thanks to this lesson, I once wrote an entire paper on the diversity of non-vascular plants while half asleep.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Or maybe completely asleep.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">The fact is I didn’t remember what I wrote, but when I revisited it the next day it stood as a respectable rough draft.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">I’ve been fighting the same perfectionism in my research.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I want things to work perfectly, so much so that I’ll often put off new experiments for ridiculous amounts of time.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I’ll rationalize that with one more day I could plan a much better experiment.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Everything would be laid out so much more perfectly.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">Of course, there is a saying in scientific research: “Data is a bonus the first time you do an experiment.”</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Experiments rarely go perfectly the first time around, and even if they did, you’d still need to go back and do them several more times to confirm anything.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">More than that, experiments are perfected by doing them, not by additional planning.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">By allowing yourself to do the experiment and mess up, you learn all sorts of things that can get edited out next time.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Like, “I can’t pipet THAT fast” or “this tube needs to be on the left side of the bench, not the right.”</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">I just finished the first pass of a new protocol yesterday.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">It involved working with radiation, so it was exhausting.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">It’s a lot like working with bacteria—easier in some ways, because there’s no wand you can swipe over yourself to check for bacterial contamination. </span><span style=";font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-size:100%;">But then again, a bit of soap will kill most bacteria, while radioactive materials need to sit safely for weeks or decades to decay to safety.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Anyway, I barely slept the night before the experiment, because I kept thinking of all sorts of reasons I couldn’t do the experiment.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">All the different ways it would go wrong and I’d contaminate the whole lab . . . I’d confessed it all to Andy and he’d laughed and told me how normal that feeling was (this is a huge bonus of dating another science nerd).</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">In the end, nothing exploded.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I didn’t contaminate anything.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">But my results were inconclusive.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">My boss, after looking at the data, gave me several smarter controls that I should have thought of, and at first I just wanted to keel over with shame.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">All that work and one more condition would have made a huge difference.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Stupid.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Stupid.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Stupid.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">But in grad school you learn that if you knew all this stuff to begin with, then you’d already have a PhD and tenure.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">We’re all smart kids and we’re used to getting it right the first time.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">After 21 some years of that being the case, it can be hard to shake this perspective.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I’m getting there, but I’m frustrated with my own slowness.</span><span style=";font-size:100%;" >  </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Progress is progress though. . . . </span></p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/05/2007 10:33:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>First full week o’ March</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Last night I was reading my World War Z book and trying to get to that special place, mentally, where your brain actually will shut down and sleep, when Andy says “wow, ASM is just 2 months away. . . “</p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Brain to Self: EEEEeeeek!<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Self to Brain: GO TO SLEEP</p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">It’s already March, which is grand and horrific at the same time.<span style="">  </span>Time slips by really damn fast, and I always imagine I’ll have these vast expanses of time to do my research uninterrupted, but that never happens.<span style="">  </span>There are always seminars, and meetings, and the class I’m auditing. </p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">The spring fever has already struck hard since it’s March.<span style=""> </span>It’s impossible for February to be the start of spring in <st1:state><st1:place>Wisconsin</st1:place></st1:state>.  But maybe March?  A lot of us come from places where March can be warm.  However, my impression, after 3 <st1:place>Wisconsin</st1:place> springs, is that here spring is very slow in coming.<span style=""> </span>Then again, we had springlike weather in December, so this could be the year spring really does come in March.<span style="">  </span>It would be nice.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Like many others, I keep idealizing spring.<span style="">  </span>I imagine that, unlike last year, whenI was freaking out over preliminary exams, I can ENJOY this spring and summer.<span style="">   </span>I can start running outdoors again, watching the daffodils come up in people’s yards.<span style="">  </span>My rubber soles will smack rhythmically on warm, steamy sidewalks.  I could go get my coffee on state street and sit by an open window and listen to the sounds of the crowd below.  And don’t get me started on going to the outdoor Farmer’s Market.  Mainly, I miss the smell of humidity in the air: that mix of soil and rain that just makes me ache thinking about it.  <span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Then I realize that</p>  <p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="">  </span>I’m presenting at yearly Pow-wow in March</p>  <p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="">  </span><span style=""> </span>I’m presenting at the General American Society of Microbiology Meeting in May.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="">  </span>After that we will fly home and make a million wedding decisions in <st1:city><st1:place>Wheeling</st1:place></st1:city>.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="">  </span>After that I’m getting my dress fitted.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">5.<span style="">  </span>Then I should probably have my yearly committee meeting where they’ll check on my progress and tell me what more I need to do (lots).<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">6.<span style="">  </span>Oh yeah, and I’m getting married in August, which I’m betting means that between the months of June and August, between the science and the planning, I’ll be Miss Spazmo 2007.<span style="">  </span>And since I’m hyphenating my name, I have no idea whether or not I become Mrs. Spazmo-handsomeguy or what.<span style="">  </span>Another thing to figure out.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">And all in the meantime, I’m trying to take better care of myself.<span style="">  </span>The wedding is a good excuse to focus on it more, but it has been years in the making.<span style="">  </span>I’m doing strength training and cardio three times a week, and will be continuing to up the time as I go.<span style="">  </span>. . we’ll see.<span style="">  </span>It’s not the same as jiu jitsu, but then again it’s not nearly as injury inducing. . . </p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/02/2007 12:16:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/B000EPHQNA.01._AA280_SCLZZZZZZZ_V44077960_.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 222px; height: 222px;" src="http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/B000EPHQNA.01._AA280_SCLZZZZZZZ_V44077960_.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>
 <p class="MsoNormal"><b>I’m a consumer, I know</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I’m supposed to go help another grad student collate her thesis, so I’ll keep this briefish: </p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Baby’s got a brand new toy: an <span style="font-weight: bold;">ipod shuffle,</span> 2<sup>nd</sup> generation.<span style="">  </span>It is blue.<span style="">  </span>It is the size of a matchbox and fits in an old altoid tin I had been keeping for no good reason for years. <span style=""> </span>Now I can listen to Stephanie Miller podcasts while I work out, instead of craning my neck to see two channels on a crappy ol’ TV in the exercise room.<span style="">  </span>I will be thinking of a name for the shuffle.<span style="">  </span>So far the frontrunners are “smurfette” and “lil’ sapphire”</p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Every once and awhile I fall head-over-heels in love with a new band.<span style="">  </span>My latest fling was The Decemberists.<span style="">  </span>Now, thanks to the “Indiefeed” podcast I have a new love: <span style="font-weight: bold;">The Blow</span>.<span style="">  </span>I cannot describe this band.<span style="">  </span>But their single “True Affection” just won’t leave my head. . . </p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/24/2007 01:37:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Post Office Passport Adventure</b>

This past Friday was my errands day.  I was taking the morning off to go get my annual physical, and I decided I'd use this time away from work (during business hours!) to apply for a new passport.  My reasons for getting the passport again are many-fold:

Business reason: I'm going to the big Microbiology conference in Toronto, and you can no longer go to Canada or Mexico without a passport.

Paranoid reason: I like knowing I can leave the country if I want to.

(Paranoid)^2 reason: Part of my zombie attack survival strategy.

Anyway, I felt oh-so-with-it as I zipped into Walgreens, got my photos taken and grabbed a passport application.  Over lunch, I leisurely filled out the form while my too-strong coffee from Starbucks began to take effect.  When your eyes start to buzz, you know you've had too much.

Made it to the post office, walk in the door, and see two large--but seperate--lines.  "Are you here to get your passport?" a lady behind the counter yells.  I nod.  "Then you'll be in line behind these nice folks, for a nice long time."

 Uh-oh.

The line moves slowly--only two clerks are working on applications, and each takes about 15 minutes.  While I shuffle through the line with everyone else, I get the story: apparently it's a school holiday, and so every family that needs passports for the kiddies is here today to get it taken care of.  This explains the clusters of families who move up to the counter at once.  My luck that it's today I've decided to do the same.

During my 1.5 hour wait in the post office passport line, there were some highlights:

It was entertaining to see every new arrival to the post office's reaction to the huge passport line.  A few of them got that look like "oh crap, I should get mine too.  Maybe they know something I don't."  It seemed like alot of folks felt they'd missed a memo. 

The woman in the non-passport line who could not help but express her discontent that her line only had one clerk for awhile.  Loudly.  All she needed was stamps.  I pointed out to her that you could buy stamps from the machine in the lobby, but she apparently had to have a ROLL of stamps.  It was clear she felt abused at having to wait for *gasp* fifteen minutes.  During one of her b*tch sessions, a postal worker cheerily yelled "HAVE A NICE DAY!"  I learned from them that a fist fight broke out in here last week.

I overheard a woman tell her child "Well dear, 'garbaaage' is a fancy way to say 'garbage'."

I'm always interested in human nature, and certainly a big, slow line is a great place to study it.   Though my head continued to buzz with all the caffeine, I had plenty of time to look around.  After awhile, there was a sense of comradery amongst all of us in the passport line.  We'd swap advice and knowledge about the process, and help newcomers find the right line. 

Finally, I made it to the front of the line, and my application took all of five minutes.  The woman processing it hadn't had a break (or lunch) and had been working for four hours straight.  I thanked her as much as I could--those hours must have been awful.  She closed her desk after I left.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/21/2007 10:16:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>Holy peripheral vision, Batman!</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Baby, I’ve got CONTACTS again!<span style="">  </span>I hopped into my car after going to my eye exam, a year’s worth of contacts in my hands. . . and basically giggled uncontrollably for a minute or two.<span style="">  </span>I have horrible, horrible vision.<span style="">  </span>Last year my contact prescription ran out, and I was left wearing glasses all the time.<span style="">  </span>And while I’m certain they make me look smarter, they kindof overwhelm my face.<span style="">  </span>Not to mention the halo of blur around my field of vision at all times, since the frames are not that big.<span style="">  </span>But now I can see everything as though I’m not visually gimpy.<span style="">  </span>Maybe now I could give that whole eye makeup thing a go—it’s silly that I can pass a preliminary exam but can’t really line my eyes.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">As a sci-fi/horror geek, one my minor goals in life is to be prepared for attack by zombies.<span style="">  </span>You can laugh at that idea, but maybe you’ve thought about it too.<span style="">  </span>I get bored at the bus stop, and sometimes I think about what I would do if there were a zombie attack.<span style="">  </span>Would I run inside a building?<span style="">  </span>Could I get to my car in time?<span style="">   </span>Where would my friends be and how would I find them?<span style="">  </span>It keeps my mind busy enough.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Part of this line of thought runs directly into my bad vision.<span style="">  </span>Some day, I want to get lasic surgery so that, if and when the zombies come, I’m not dependant on a dwindling supply of contacts or breakable glasses.<span style="">  </span>Part of that big sigh of relief I gave when I got my braces off—back in highschool—was due to the idea that the world could become post-apocalyptic and I wouldn’t be running around looking for an orthodontist to take off the metal contraptions.<span style="">  </span>My fiancée is an insulin-dependent diabetic, so now the scenario has changed a bit . . . </p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, to sate this zombie obsession, I’m reading “World War Z” as a follow-up to Stephen King’s “Cell.”<span style="">  </span>Maybe we’ll have to have a movie fest too. . . anything to keep the zombies from eating me in my dreams (which they were last night). <span style=""> </span></p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/20/2007 10:41:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I guess I need to lay off the podcasts or something. . . </b>

Another Stephen King dream last night.  This time, Andy and I were making our driving journey to WV again, and along the way I got a phone call from SK.  There's phone calling back and forth--alot of phone tag.

Again I'm at SK's house, again with a big group of people and THIS TIME we're all competing to be his personal assistant.  Like some reality TV show, there are 'challenges' we have to compete in, the latest being to drink poison.  If we drink the poison, we might win, or it might be a reverse-psychology way to choose the people smart enough NOT to drink the poison.  Oh well.

I woke up feeling like maybe someone famous WOULD call me today.  So far, it's just been the eye doctor. . .

In the real world, I've finished "Cell" by SK which was pretty good.  It won't push out any of my top choices, but it was genuinely clever and creepy.  I've also finished my SK podcasts, which may be the reason for all this SK-dreaming.  And I must say, the gunslinger series comic is AWESOME.  I cannot wait to see more. 

And on a silly personal note, I must say I'm proud of myself for getting my act together and scheduling my yearly physical as well as eye exam.  Now if I could get my act together even further and go to the dentist, as well as renew my passport. . .  Oh well, always somethin' else to do.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/19/2007 09:57:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>In the Halls of the New England King</b>

If you know me, it should be no secret that I like Stephen King.  The thing is, sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe I like him a bit too much.  In several of his books, particularly those that delve into his personal life, he makes it clear that although many people feel compelled to visit him at his house, or contact him in any number of ways, he's not interested and we should understand his desire for privacy.

I consider myself a well-reasoning individual overall.  And I can totally understand not wanting strange people showing up at your house, or hassling you on the street.  But like many other travesties we face in life, the dead truth at the center is that the offendee isn't thinking about you.  I've been cheated on, and the hardest realization was that the other woman wasn't thinking about how it would hurt me.  I didn't enter in to the equation.  And my personal theory about the hassling of Stephen King is that people don't make these decisions based on Stephen King, the man.  They just can't override the connection they want to complete with the storyteller.

The thing is, my personal theory is pretty darn personal.  I'll admit, I've thought about road tripping to King's hometown, or going to a UMaine, Orono game with the hopes of just seeing him.  There is this weird moth-bumping-its-head-on-a-porchlight feel to it.  But in my head, when I see King, I see the creative nexus of all these stories that are part of my brain now.  That darn creepy clown is my monster archetype. Stephen King is like a gate or a well to access someplace I can't go myself.  The fact that he's a regular person, a father and a husband, just doesn't merge with what I want to see.  It isn't part of the equation either.

All this reflecting and admitting on the topic of King comes from the dream I had last night.  I had won some contest where the prize was to go hang out with SK for the day.  But I had to share him with this mob of other fans.  We all tried to play it cool, but he dropped us into a DOOM-esque competition where we were all monsters.  I ended up recalling my few jiu jitsu skills and took a bunch of em' out.  But by then the day was over and I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to him.  I just wanted to tell him that I knew what he was.  That he wasn't creative, he was a conduit to some greater creativity.  But I didn't get the chance, and anyway that theory was forwarded by him already. 

The deal is, the reasoning part of me knows its unrealistic to expect to ever meet him, and will keep me from ever doing something so silly or invasive as showin' up on his lawn.  "To see that he is real."  is what my head always choruses in.   I'll shrug and admit my mild obsession to you out there.  But it unnerves me how close anyone can be to stalker-fan . . .

Oh well, fortunately for now I'm only obsessed with Stephen King and Joss Whedon.  My unrealistic dream is somehow, someday in the future, they will have a lovechild, and oh the stories and dialogue we'd have then!

On completely unrelated news, HBO's "Rome" completely rocks my face off.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/13/2007 10:26:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>Sound the alert!</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Mercury is in retrograde today!<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I’ll admit that I do hold some belief in astrology.<span style="">  </span>I’m sure it’s silly, given that I’m a scientist and I’m *supposed* to put my faith in the concrete.<span style="">  </span>But I’ll tell you, for me, being a scientist means coming to terms with how little you know about how the universe actually works.<span style="">  </span>That there are questions you can’t answer only because the technology hasn’t been developed yet.<span style="">  </span>Moreover, we’re constantly finding out microbes do things in ways we didn’t think possible.<span style="">  </span>Long story short: working in science doesn’t squelch my belief that strange phenomena can occur, only that we can’t consider them absolute or truly *real* until we can test them.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">So yeah, astrology.<span style="">  </span>I buy into it, not as the end-all and be-all of explaining things, but as another possible input into our daily lives.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, mercury is going into retrograde, which always means crap is going to happen.<span style="">  </span>I mean, when things go from moving forward to BACKWARD, it’s gonna be weird.<span style="">  </span>There are going to be three retrogrades this year, and this is the first.<span style="">  </span>Life seems a little different this week.<span style="">  </span>A little topsy-turvy.<span style="">  </span>But then again, that’s life.<span style="">  </span>And I’ve rambled on and on about astrology, which must have been thrilling. . . .</p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/08/2007 10:58:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal">Lately, I keep having dreams were my ex’s visit me.<span style="">  </span>Sometimes they are just there in the dream and I know it.<span style="">  </span>Sometimes they bring new girlfriends.<span style="">  </span>Sometimes they ask my why I’m not marrying THEM.<span style="">  </span>I’ve danced with them; they’ve tried to take me away.<span style="">  </span>There’s no consistent theme other than they keep showing up.<span style="">  </span><span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">The dreams don’t bother me—I’m not having cold feet and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.<span style="">  </span>But it’s strange all the same.<span style="">  </span>Almost like we must all visit each other one more time.<span style="">  </span>Or really, <b>I</b> must visit them one more time.<span style="">  </span>Can’t leave until you’ve said “adios.”<span style="">  </span>Does everyone go through this?<span style="">  </span>Or am I just sentimental?<span style="">  </span>I know I have, in part, defined myself by who I was dating at the time, so in a way, it’s saying adios to earlier versions of me.<span style="">  </span>But adios in the sense of setting aside or putting in an album.<span style="">  </span>Who I have been, and who I have cared for . . . those things aren’t gone, but they are the past.<span style="">  </span>It is a freeing thought.<span style="">  </span></p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/02/2007 11:14:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Cold as . . . </b>

Oh, just insert your simile here!  It's really cold.  The weather folks are saying it could be the coldest we've experienced in a decade (-20's or worse).  So I guess I'm holing up this weekend in the apartment or something. 

I don't know who benefits from my link sharing (maybe you Alice?), but man, I just gotta post this.  YouTube is magic.  Liz and her boyfriend Hun are involved in a hip hop dance group at their highschool, and Liz and I have talked about having them do something for the wedding reception.  It probably wouldn't be <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=OPmYbP0F4Zw">this</a>, though :)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/26/2007 11:39:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Creature feature!

Ugh, I can't believe I just used that for a title, but jeez, what else is there?   I think I've been reading too many Freewill Astrology horoscopes, because seeing animals act strange makes me think it's some sort of portent.   Of what?  I'm no professional, so I won't even hazard a guess.

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSPIR3pclYw&amp;eurl=">
A non-cute entry on cuteoverload today.  Jebus!  Do all rabbits do this?!</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS5yQFqXaaY">
A prehistoric shark is seen in Japan.</a>

This thing is amazing and creepy--it made me think of the weird things that are birthed out of the Buick 8 in Stephen King's "From a Buick 8."  It seems kindof wrong and alien somehow, but that's probably because it's a deep sea creature and isn't meant to be swimming around in the shallows.

Freaky, man, and I just had to share.  In other news, I wish I had $200 so that I could go take an aerial dance class. . . running away and joining the circus would be so much easier that way.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/26/2007 11:39:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Creature feature!

Ugh, I can't believe I just used that for a title, but jeez, what else is there?   I think I've been reading too many Freewill Astrology horoscopes, because seeing animals act strange makes me think it's some sort of portent.   Of what?  I'm no professional, so I won't even hazard a guess. 


A non-cute entry on cuteoverload today.  Jebus!  Do all rabbits do this?!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSPIR3pclYw&eurl=

A prehistoric shark is seen in Japan. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS5yQFqXaaY

This thing is amazing and creepy--it made me think of the weird things that are birthed out of the Buick 8 in Stephen King's "From a Buick 8."  It seems kindof wrong and alien somehow, but that's probably because it's a deep sea creature and isn't meant to be swimming around in the shallows. 

Freaky, man, and I just had to share.  In other news, I wish I had $200 so that I could go take an aerial dance class. . . running away and joining the circus would be so much easier that way.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/22/2007 10:31:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>The weekend gone</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Oh good lord, what a crazy time it is.<span style="">  </span>My parents visited this weekend with my sister—she had a vocal audition in <st1:city><st1:place>Appleton</st1:place></st1:City> (2hrs away from here, which is 12hrs away from home), so they decided it was close enough to visit!<span style="">  </span>It seems wherever my family goes, everyone crams in my living room and starts doing three different things, preferably on three different laptops.<span style="">  </span>I think we all have attention defecit disorder.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">I’ll confess, I was kindof bummed that most of the group talking was about sis’s audition.<span style="">  </span>It went really well, but of course since she can’t hear any news until March, she’s nervous and so we talk and talk about how well it went.<span style="">  </span>But you know what?<span style="">  </span>It is her weekend.<span style="">  </span>I get jealous and selfish and baby, that’s my problem.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">The one BIG “me” thing we did was go try on my actual dress, which was ordered in late August and arrived over x-mas break.<span style="">  </span>In the interim, I had started to panic that the dress wasn’t as pretty as I remembered it, especially since the photos I have are of me in the utterly NOT fitting one which makes it look poofy and me look even poofier.<span style="">  </span>But the difference this time was that the dress was too BIG, so we could pull it back in such a way to make it look fitted for photos.<span style="">  </span>And it is just gorgeous.<span style="">  </span>It’s silk, so the fabric glows—and the bonus is that it isn’t heavy.<span style="">  </span>It’s just too beautiful, and I pretty much went off the girly deep end as soon as they got it on me.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">The family left Sunday morning at <st1:time minute="0" hour="8">8AM</st1:time>.<span style="">  </span>They left fast this time—the snow was falling down like crazy and they had a 12 hour drive ahead of them.<span style="">  </span>I’ve never missed them so much as I do this year.<span style="">  </span>It’s strange like that.<span style="">  </span>They made it home safe that evening, and called to let me know.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Now it’s Monday and the undergrad hordes are back.<span style="">  </span>That always bums me a bit, because it’s so quiet and uncrowded without them.<span style="">  </span>But they pay my paycheck, so oh well.<span style="">  </span></p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/16/2007 11:23:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b>A magnetic pull north, but also west</b></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">Hey folks!<span style="">  </span>Well, the free-floating anxiety concerning my seminar at the end of the month has hit.<span style="">  </span>It’s always silly, but now it feels especially silly to be getting worried about it:<span style="">  </span>it’s not for a grade, and--even though it’s a 45 minute talk—all that means is that I have more time to do background and cover my new data.<span style="">  </span>Mainly, there are at least 4 directions I could go with my project right now and I’d rather be focusing on that instead of putting together a talk.<span style="">  </span>But oh well.<span style="">  </span>Once I do this, I don’t have to worry about it again.<span style="">  </span>But it seems traditional that I should worry about it, and therefore procrastinate on it.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">My current grad-student experience story is that I rode an empty bus on Sunday night during a snow advisory to chase a big male squid around it’s tank, wash him, and then flip on the lights so he would expel all his bacteria—which I then collected.<span style="">  </span>I was not looking forward to squid wrangling—squid are smart, visually astute, and can shoot a jet of water or ink if they are cranky.<span style="">  </span>It went surprisingly well, and I managed to get to the bus stop on time. . . only to wait 20 minutes on a dead-quiet <st1:street><st1:address>University   Ave.</st1:address></st1:Street> with the snow blowing all around.<span style="">  </span>Andy had to rescue me.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">All this just to get some bacteria for the experiment I’m doing today, and now they are growing slow. . . grr.<span style="">  </span></p>  <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>  <p class="MsoNormal">My big exciting news for today is that “<st1:place>Twin  Peaks</st1:place>: Season Two” is officially going to be released on DVD in April (although now season 1 is mysteriously out of print).<span style="">  </span>That show has this odd pull on me—it all looks so familiar and ‘real’. . . I feel like I’ve been to <st1:place>Twin  Peaks</st1:place>.<span style="">  </span>All of this will sound pretty silly I’m sure.<span style="">   </span>But it has a strange relevance now, because over x-mas break, with everyone asking Andy and I where we were going to go after graduate school, we formed a story involving us moving to the <st1:place>Pacific Northwest</st1:place> (or <st1:state><st1:place>North   Carolina</st1:place></st1:State>, to be fair). <span style=""> </span>I’ve never lived there, and neither has Andy, but everytime I see it on television I feel a yearning for it.<span style="">  </span>Sure, that yearning is probably knotted tightly to my desire to be done with graduate school and living a stable, real-job sort of life.<span style="">  </span>But a girl has to have a plan, no?<span style="">  </span>Currently, that’s our plan.<span style="">  </span>Science jobs are more prevalent on the west coast, and I would love to be nearer the ocean.<span style="">  </span>But it would mean being even farther away from family.<span style="">  </span>Oh well.<span style="">  </span>Like I said, it’s a plan.<span style="">  </span>Rules are made to be broken, and plans are made to be changed.<span style="">  </span>But for now, I like having something on the horizon to look at.<span style="">  </span><span style="">  </span></p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/11/2007 11:44:00 AM

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<div style="clear:both;"></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/me-795951.png"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/me-788731.png" alt="" border="0" /></a>
New Blog Template!

Last night I dreamt that I was still trying to pack the car to take x-mas and shower presents back to Madison.  Where would it all go? It wouldn't fit. . . little did I know that, in reality, the real bugger is trying to find a place for the things we DID bring home.

So, early spring cleaning is now in progress.  There are alot of clothes I don't wear anymore, alot of stuff I hardly ever read or use. . . things are changing, and with it, heck, why not the blog?  I almost deleted the whole thing yesterday, just because it seemed like time to ditch all the melodramatic college entries.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/10/2007 11:14:00 AM

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<div style="clear:both;"></div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sleeper in the Garden, Sleepers Awake!

</span><span><span>Already, this year is a strange lovely year.  Finally, after the great holiday tour of 2006, we are back in town and settling into the old' graduate student routine: stay up waay to late because you don't want to get up and go to work, sleep and dream of experiments you should be doing, wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner and watch Buffy.  Maybe spice it up with some grocery shopping or my personal quest for an affordable jewelry armiore.

It feels good, honestly.  Don't have to entertain or be anyone in particular.  This holiday was possibly the best holiday season I can remember.  It was just crammed with my favorite people and I got to share it with my most favorite person.  But it WAS pretty draining.  I need to work to be happy, and it's clear that I was meant to be a graduate student because I am addicted to the stress a little.

Anyway, my freewill astrology horoscope for this year said that last year could have been titled "Asleep in the beautiful garden" while this year would be "Awake in the beautiful garden."  And I feel like that is true so far.  Last year was full of good and amazing things, but I was so wrapped up in prelims and planning that it felt like experiencing them through layers of fabric, if that makes any sense.  Now, I'm trying to make the "awake in the garden" theme keep happening.  I can't slow down life, but I can calm myself the hell down and shut out some of the internal chatter and just feel and enjoy things.  I think it's a good goal.  I'm also drinking more water, so maybe all this clarity of thought is just emergence from years of dehydration. </span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/14/2006 11:12:00 AM

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<div style="clear:both;"></div><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: arial;">vita veeta vegamin</span>. . .

<span style="font-family: arial;">Man, I try to eat well.  I force myself to eat breakfast even!  But of course my diet always ends up being, like, 60% caffienated beverages and typically no servings of vegetables or fruits a day, since I forget they're in my fridge and go bad before I remember them.  I didn't really think about it until I was on a message board talking about hormonal moodiness and tiredness and such, and lots of ladies piped in with TAKE VITAMINS.

So I gave it a go.  This week I've been taking a multivitamin, magnesium and zinc, and B complex.  I've gotta say, I do feel better.  More clear-headed, and not continually passing out when I get home.  It's a short trial run and it could just be a placebo effect, but I kinda don't care.  I feel better, although we'll see how it helps mood swings . . .

Almost time to zoom off to Wheeling!  Happy Holidays to you all!
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/04/2006 10:30:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Zoom, car, ZOOOM!</b>

I must say, this whole car-buying process brought out some of the worst in me.  I got things all settled with the dealers, and I was happy about that.  Then I was waiting for the title to arrive, via snailmail, from home.  This meant that each day, around 2PM, I'd start thinking about how the title could be in my mailbox right now, and how if I got home early I could go get my car and get the insurance transferred in one efficient swoop.  So I'd be manically excited all day, panic on the bus home--what if it wasn't there?  Surely it would be TODAY--and then open the mailbox only to see junk mail or nothing at all.  So each evening would be filled with a depressive episode.  I hated not knowing where the darn thing was.  I couldn't tell if it would ever get here.

Saturday morning I sat sipping my coffee and watching the bird feeder.  Today could be the day the title would show up (excited!).  It might not show up today, and on Monday you'll have to tell your parents to go to the DMV on their busy schedule and file for acopy (depressed.).  I finally stomped down, in my lobster pajamas, to the mailbox, opened the door to it and there inside was the hand-addressed letter from home I'd been imagining every day this week.  I HAD MY TITLE!  I COULD GET MY CAR!

And so I did :)

It was weird turning in my first car, the Honda Civic.  The dealership made it easy: they took my keys, transferred my license plates to the CR-V . . . I never even looked for the car as I drove away in my shiny newish car.  I had been a little bummed about leaving the Civic, but then again, I cried alot in that car.  When things were bad, I'd be in a parking lot somewhere and I'd just scream and cry and hit the steering wheel until I was tired of it.  Then I could drive away.  That car got me to Home and back to Madison many times.  It was a good car, but it's another layer I can drop away from my first year here.  

My new car is awesome: power windows, cruise control, and it's much easier to get friends in and out of it.  If we rent cross-country skis, they will fit on or in this car.  I like to imagine that some day if we get a dog, it can ride in the back.  More presently, I can see us making the long drive home in less than two weeks!  Eeek!

So in theory I'll be in WV by December 17th, then off to NY around December 26th!  I'm really excited to show off my hometown to Andy, even if there isn't much to do on a regular basis.  Somehow, with all the wedding stuff, I think we'll keep busy.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/27/2006 10:52:00 AM

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<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Grown-up Shoes</b>

Yo-yo!  It's been awhile since I posted--seems like that's the case for everyone, though.  It's a bit of a bummer because that's how I check up on folks.  My brother tells me I should get back on AIM, but that's awfully dangerous/tempting to have available at work.  We'll see.  

What's new with me?  Work is going along pretty well (don't jinx it!) and I'm making some headway there.  Wedding stuff is at a lull, which will assuredly change when I go home for Christmas.  Cake tastin', flower pickin', music hearin'. . . you name it, baby, we got it on our itinerary.  

Currently I'm trying to get a new used car.  I love my lil' silver honda civic, but it's at 112,500 miles, and it's only going to be worth less the more I hold onto it.  Further, I'm going to be driving both to WV and upstate NY, and a civic is just not as snow-friendly as I'd like.  SO, this weekend I checked out a 2001 Honda CR-V, which is pretty cute and it's built on the same chassis (sp?) as the Honda Civic, so aside from being a taller ride, it's pretty much the same sort of vehicle (plus all-wheel drive and more cargo area).  And it's red, which would be neat!  

But of course car shopping requires haggling.  I'm getting better at it, and part of me really enjoys it, but it's still exhausting.  We'll see how it turns out.  Worst case scenario, I'll buy my Civic new tires and maybe invest in a tune-up.  She's a good little car.  

As a reward for my test-drive/bargaining on Saturday, I went shopping all Sunday afternoon.  This meant I went to Marshalls and tried on anything I wanted to, and whittled it down to what I could actually USE.  I've got two bridal showers to attend over christmas break, and for work I live in jeans.  So, I now own a pair of black and a pair of grey dress slacks.  I got an amber-colored jersey-knit top on clearance (I love the color and it sort of wraps and drapes).  Finally, after watching about a billion episodes of "What Not to Wear" on TLC, I decided to invest in some pointy-toed heels.  Typically, this is so not me (especially since I have really long toes that don't really form a point).  However, every freakin' episode of WNTW I watch they are telling ladies to try out the pointy toe, because it lengthens your legs.  So I tried on a bunch and found some actual comfortablish ones on sale.  

I'm blogging this because it was a weird milestone, in my book.  I've never liked shoes all that much, and I've only recently experimented with heels much recently.  And I must say, although the pointy toe looks kindof funny on the display shelf, they looked pretty sexy on mine feet.  Sexy in a grown-up classy sort of way.  

It all makes me wish I made more money.  I love clothes and shoes, and it bugs me to have to dress prepared to be bleached or stained on a daily basis.  I wish I could afford exactly the car I want, and I wish I could be putting money away for savings and vacations and car repairs and travel home.  I would love to have a house or a condo instead of our apartment--room for parties and maybe even a dog or some cats!  I'm just making ends meet right now.  But at least I could afford to make ends meet in some sophisticated shoes.  It's a start :)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/07/2006 11:24:00 AM

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<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Remember, remember</b>

Hey, have you seen “V for Vendetta” yet!?  Well, I was just thinking “Remember, remember, the ___th of November.”  It’s November already somehow.  In a little more than a month, I’ll be driving with Andy back to Wheeling for Christmas.  There will be lots of driving and two wedding showers, and so many decisions to make.  

In the meantime, I feel very much in a holding pattern, which I should try to enjoy before the Vortex of Christmas and moving into the “less than 9 months before the wedding” category.  I was trying to remember last year, and it all was this horrifying blur of “I should be working on my prelim, I should be working on my prelim.”  And it became a clear goal; it became a hoop I jumped through.  

And now here I am on the other side wondering what I should be doing with my life, careerwise.  I’ve fallen behind on my running/exercising, and my mood has just generally gotten awful, at least for me.  The prelim burns you out: all that effort focused on just one thing, and suddenly the thing is gone in 2 hours, and you don’t realize that it took 3 months to work up the courage for it, and it may take 3 months to get back down to normal.  



I’m riding high on the quarter-life crisis cart, and I know it.  I’m in an age category where I can no longer consider myself anything but an adult.  I’m getting married.  I  have contemporaries on myspace telling me they have more than one kid already.  Children, taxes, divorce, houses, bodies starting to deteriorate a bit. . . It seems all too soon, sometimes, but when else would it come?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/24/2006 10:53:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Smoke’em if you got em’</b>

Last night I dreamt I was sitting at a table on the Union Terrace, smoking a cigarette and reading a book.  The book would keep catching on fire from the cigarette, so I had to keep putting it out.  Please understand that in real life, I’ve never smoked a cigarette (although I’ve inhaled enough second-hand smoke from high school and college to like the smell of it).  Sam used to smoke Swisher Sweets that smelled like cherries.  But I digress.  I remember feeling calm and good, relieved to be quiet and just <i>smoking</i>.

I’ve been trying to find moments like that in the waking world, minus the use of drugs (other than caffeine) of course.  Yesterday evening I took a nap after dinner and drifted in and out of sleep as my downstairs neighbor practiced some mellow electric guitar.  I spend large chunks of my life on fast-forward, which doesn’t make me special, I know.  But now is good.  I’ve passed that darn preliminary exam.  Every day I learn a little bit more about how wonderful my fiancée is, and how absurdly lucky it is that we met and have one another.  Reading my journal, I found out that I had dreamed about dating him before I even knew I liked him.  

So when I dream that I need a cigarette, I figure it’s time to mellow out a bit before I actually DO need one.  Becoming an adult seems to be a late-phase study to learn what you need to do to keep your body and mind happy.  By now we’ve all gotten *better* at it, but I know I’m still questioning it on a daily basis.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/21/2006 10:33:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weird Dream Coverage 2006, cont.</b>

Last night I dreamt: 

I was sitting at a table with Andy, Mom, and Dad, and I was holding a ferret in my lap.  I was Buffy TVS and I knew the ferret was Spike, and I started cooing to it and asking it if it remembered when I used to do nothing but punch him.  "But now I feel so lost" I said.  

Suddenly I was in a field, like the kind people go duck hunting in.  I was sitting behind an abandoned car and someone was telling me "You feel lost, but. . " something along the lines of you just don't know the purpose we have for you yet.  

Then I saw a list of books that I don't remember reading but I felt that I had read. 

Strange!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/13/2006 11:18:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Good Places</b>

Last night, I dreamt that the wedding was next weekend.  I kept thinking “didn’t I get my dress really early? It won’t be here for weeks!”  but other than that, I was cool and ok with it. Wedding next weekend?  Ok!  I don’t know about you, but I love dreams where I react calmly to bad/crazy situations.  It’s an odd fantasy to have, I guess, but I wake up feeling so nice and with-it.  

At the recommendation of a coworker, I have discovered an online site called <a href="http://pandora.com">Pandora</a>.  You input a musical group or song you like, and they pick out other songs you might like based on the individual factors of your input, like the rhythm, vocal stylings, etc.  Pandora has a really extensive library—everything I’ve entered in, it’s recognized and recommended some good stuff!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/07/2006 11:26:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Mission Accomplished?</b>

Oh man!  Things are finally settling down a bit.  The apartment is moderately unpacked.  I’m not scheduled to travel anywhere until Christmas, or host any visitors.  Research is finally starting to take direction—I spent some of this week learning how to label DNA with radioactivity so I can monitor uptake into my bacteria.  It is both cool AND promising.  My goal here is to get at least one arm churning out data, and then I can get back to making mutants in the meantime.  

Madison is all crazy again since the new school year has started.  It always makes me a little sad, since the campus is so quiet during the summer.  And the undergrads look younger and younger every year.  And with the full moon yesterday, everyone was driving in lunatic fashion.  The one bonus of it being the school year is that there are a lot of group fitness classes—like step classes and pilates and such, which are a bit more mentally stimulating than running.  I’m no uberjock, but man I feel happier when I’ve been exercising regularly.  It’s great stress relief, but it also lets me feel more in control of my body and my life.  

On the wedding front: Mom and Dad and Liz came up to visit this weekend, which was awesome but CRAZY CRAZY.  Five people in a two bedroom apartment.  Mom wanting to talk weddings and Dad wanting to talk science.   One of my main goals for this visit was to give Dad the chance to get to know Andy better, and I feel that was accomplished.  It sounds like, well, everyone likes everyone!  The other potential goal was wedding dress shopping. . . . 

The dress is one of my “I DO care about this” wedding things.  At this stage in my life, I don’t have the money to buy nice outfits, and working in a lab means nice outfits would get stained or trashed anyway.  But I love clothes, and I love fancy dresses, and therefore having a fabulous dress was important to me.  I’d been clipping dresses out of magazines for a couple weeks, however I had no idea what would actually look good on my short-waist-large-bust body. 

As we drove to the bridal salon, I was having mini panic attacks.   I didn’t know EXACTLY where the place was.  I didn’t know really what I wanted.  I didn’t know if I was wearing the right underwear.  But hey, we found the place, I admitted I was open to about anything (within the A-line & sheath variety).  And as for underwear, well they almost immediately ask your bra size and bring you some strapless thing and a petticoat.  It was a little weird getting undressed in front of Mom, sis, and Sarah, but I forgot about it pretty quickly.  Yeah, trying on wedding dresses was a strange process, especially since all the dresses are around size 8 and they basically “clip” you into them.  But our consultant (a microbiologist working at the salon part-time!!!) was swift to figure out what dresses looked good and within our budget.  Lots of drop-waisted dresses, since they elongate a short torso and give me a waist again!  I tried on one dress that was over $6000 dollars—hand embroidery all over—but thankfully it didn’t look that grand on me.  Still, it was marvelous to try.  

The dress I ended up picking was actually in the second/third round of dresses she brought in.  All folded up on the hanger, we all instantly ooohed and aahhhed over it—which to me was an excellent sign.  Mom did begin to get teary-eyed when I tried it on.  Yeah, this dress covered the bases for me.  I loved it, but the consultant gave me a run for my money and had me try on a lot of other dresses that were also beautiful.  She put me in a dress more my size and showed me how the waist would look once the dress I loved was fitted.  I was sold.  

So yeah!  I have a dress.  I believe it’s douponi silk, so it glows without being shiny.  And it doesn’t look like any dress I’ve seen on anyone—and mom also commented she had never seen a dress like it in the Ohio Valley.  And baby, that’s what I wanted.  It goes perfectly with my mom’s veil.  It’s fabulous and unique.  Beautiful and a bit quirky.  

I spent the rest of the day exhausted and in shock.  In some ways, it was a little sad to have that part over with, but mainly I was glad I got the chance to pick out a dress that mom and I both love.  And it’s not actually OVER, since I’ll go back for fittings and lessons on how to operate the train and what not.  

So the next big thing will be guest lists and invitations, followed swiftly by registering.  I’m so glad that I have the mom I have (and the family I have).  This stuff is all crazy, but it’s a fun crazy.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/25/2006 12:11:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ups and Downs</b>

Hey all!  

Things are mostly quite good.  I've got a sparkly ring, a handsome guy, a new apartment, and my family is coming up to visit over Labor Day weekend.  Mom, and I'm guessing Liz, and Sarah, and I will got dress shopping (please place that in the surreal category).  

But I'm CRANKY.  I don't know if I'm sleeping all that well, but more to the point, every day seems to fly past me and suddenly it's 11PM again and I should be going to bed.  I'm going to list what is making me cranky in a foolish effort to make me less cranky.  

1.  For the 4th night in a row there are no parking spaces available at my apartment complex, even though I have a sticker suggesting that there is a spot for me.  I am now parked illegally across the street, again. 

2.  My room still isn't fully unpacked.  I hate unpacking, but I need to get it done for the arrival of mi familia next weekend.

3.  Progress in lab is slow.  It's my fault, mostly, but I do recognize that some of it is the "post-prelim funk" that I've been hearing about.  

4.  Lab morale is low, since some folks have/are moving on for various reasons.  

5.  I need to write alot of thank you notes already, and just TODAY located my address book.

6.  A miscommunication at the reception site had us thinking they never reserved rooms for the wedding, leaving mom sounding really REALLY down on the phone.  I wanted to kick those people hard.  I worry that mom will overwork herself on this whole thing.

7.  I'm excited about the wedding, but don't want it to pervade my thoughts and communications.  Except it does.  This isn't really that bad--it is an important thing.  It's just new and undeniable.  

Well, that did help a little.  Thanks much, internet<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/20/2006 11:54:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ok, I know, I know . . . </b>

Haven't posted in awhile, but somehow I'm pretty sure life proceeds as usual for everyone, including me.  I'm FINALLY back in town for the remainder of the summer, and pretty much until Christmas.  No classes, no required seminars. . . just work work work.  It feels pretty darn good actually.  

Home life is nice, since I'm unpacking my boxes and we have a functional living room now complete with coordinating couch and loveseat (both cost us absolutely nothing except some ATP expenditure).  We'll trade phone service for cable soon, and then it'll be pretty swank, I'd say.  

August 18th 2006 came and went without too much fanfare, though I do miss it now a bit.   Now we're getting married within the year, making the whole thing even MORE real.  It's all very strange, but in a good way.  My unthinking gut new this was sweet and right months before actual words were exchanged on the matter.  And now it's more than just words.  It's real and less than a year away.  

I could pretend that I'm not obsessing a bit over details already.  It would be a lie, ok?  We've got a date, plus ceremony and reception site.  My ring arrives from NY this Tuesday.  Mom and Dad and Liz are coming to Madison over Labor Day weekend and mom and I will be dress shopping.  

It's weird because you spend your whole life randomly thinking about what all of *this* will be like, and these are all thoughts placed in a "maybe" box in some odd corner of your brain.  Like it would ever happen, right? Like you'd ever need to consider your "wedding colors" or how to reconcile your love for acoustic guitar tunes when your mom is talking about organists and vocalists . . . 

On that topic, recommendations for non-traditional music that an organist/pianist might be willing to play are welcomed.  

Ok, let's wrap this up, yes?  Getting married feels like taking up roles in some passion play.  You aren't completely 'you' anymore; you are "the bride."  It seems like one of the few traditions left for WASP folks and we hold to it dearly.  

As a final, FINAL note: it's absolutely ridiculous that two people who love each other cannot get married if they are the same sex.  Support human love in all consentual forms: support same-sex marriage, people.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/31/2006 04:33:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>July in Review</b>
1. Passed my prelims
2. Got engaged
3. Went to Florida
4. Moved out of my apartment
5. Turned 25 

Happy 25th to me!!!  I have an orange dreamsicle cake in my future, and seasons 4 and 5 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

In other news: My dad's band wants to play a set at some point near my wedding (rehearsal dinner?).  That's more awesome than I could've hoped.  My secret wish is to get hitched during a 4-H camp council circle, but I don't think that would be a wish shared by many :)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/25/2006 05:07:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Let's see. . . </b>

1.  I haaaaate moving.  More specifically, I hate packing.  It always reminds me how much crap I've accumulated.  I takes FOREVER.  It's boring.  Not to mention it's so damn hot.  I have so many other exciting things in my life, but I have to focus on MOVING.  BLARGH.  

2.  There is an official date for the wedding: August 18th, 2007.  It's both awesome and surreal to have a date.  But it's also awesome.  The reception hall was only free ONE DAY in August, and that was it.  A Saturday even!  

3.  Trying to get back to work, but I'm now in charge of ordering some things AND am still suffering from post-prelim funk/inertia.

4.  Life is really so very good that it's almost silly.  In August Andy and I will head up to visit his folks in upstate NY, and I'll likely meet about a million relatives for the first time.  AND my mom and possibly dad will be driving up to meet his parents, which will be epic.  Hopefully in a good way.  Mom wants me to wear her veil, and may bring it up to NY since I won't see her again until December.    Man, you spend so many years wanting nothing more than to get out of the house and away from your parents, but right now I feel like hiding behind her while she deals with the event side of getting married.  I have no money and no time, and that makes things. . . tricky.  

And I don't want to become wedding obsessed.  Right now my attention is like a ping-pong ball that keeps bouncing from joy to joy.  Hot guy, new apartment, passed prelim, cute haircut, I'm gonna be The Bride, love running, love Madison in the summer . . . . it's crazy and a little too dizzying.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/19/2006 03:09:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Back in Madison, nearly</b>

Hello again!  Andy and I are stuck at the Minneapolis airport due to thunderstormin' sky-fun, and therefore we aren't in Madison yet.  We are however, off from Florida.  Aside from more time in Florida, I don't think I could have asked for a better vacation.  Ok, maybe deeper skin pigmentation would have been nice.  Sunscreen only gets you so far with that sun.  

Andy got to know my brother, sister, mother, Aunt Syliva & Uncle Don better, which was an excellent bonus to hanging out with everyone in a beautiful, tropical locale.  I nearly forgot entirely about work and Madison for a full week, which is making coming home strange but awesome.  

More in-depth coverage to come!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/11/2006 11:15:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>I HAVE PASSED!! I AM A DISSERTATOR!!

I had the best sleep EVAR last night.  Or at least the best sleep in a couple months.

Tomorrow we fly away to Florida :)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/10/2006 11:46:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sing with me now</b>

"I'm not going to hurl, I'm just gonna stare at these notes all day!"

Weee!  A little more than 2hrs left to go before preliminary exam.  I won't hurl, but right now I wish I had some tasks to keep me from going crrrraaaaazzzzy.  Can barely eat anything, can't focus much more.  WANT TO TAKE EXAM AND BE DONE.  

Either way, ugh!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/09/2006 05:09:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Less than 24hrs left!</b>

Last night I dreamt that I took my prelim, and it went horribly (I left out labels in my figures, etc.) but still my committee passed me.  I was cheering and hopping up and down.

And then I woke up.  I believe the phrase was "Oh F**k"

I was enjoying being finished with the whole thing!  Now I'm just studying and trying to stay calm.  I have to make sure to get some good sleep tonight, although I think that will require tylenol PM or something.  

Mom called me today from Florida and it sounds like everyone is having a ridiculously good time, full of lounging and not doing much of anything but talking and fishing.  Darn it!  Why am I still HERE?

Like I've said to many people: send some good vibes my way between the hours of 2PM and 5PMish Central time.  That's 3-6PM for you crazy east-coasters.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/08/2006 06:19:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>2 days to go</b>

I was at Noodles and Co. with Andy when I realized that there were 48 hours left till my prelim.  Whoah man.  

More and more, I'm happy to be getting it done.  I'm excited about hearing what the undeniably brilliant minds on my thesis committee will think of and think up.  They are rock stars, and they're going to listen to ME on Monday!  I know it's their job to try to horrify me too, and see what happens, so I'll just try to be ready for that.  

All this happy talk doesn't mean I'm not horrified.  I am, off and on.  But I'm ready to show'em what I've got.  Although I'll still be studyin' tomorrow, of course :)

In other news, I got a bit of sun (think pinker) from wandering around Art Fair on the Square today.  I also got my hair trimmed up again so that it should look "together" for prelim and Florida.  

It's very odd to be on one of these precipices where, based on a yes or no answer, life will become much better or possible worse in the span of a couple minutes.  I hope it's all good.  If it isn't, life will go on and I'll do the whole darn thing again.  And if it doesn't work that time, maybe my new life as a florist will begin, neh?  

Love to you all, especially those of you repeatedly telling me it's all going to be fine.  It helps, even if I always say "Yeah, I hope so."<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/07/2006 05:58:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Less than 3 days to go!!!</b>

It's just crazy.  I hope it's all anticlimactic and good that way.  Today I'm scavenging together a bunch of random facts and questions I've wanted to answer but haven't gotten around to looking things up.

Tonight I need to PRACTICE MY TALK.  I always avoid doing it, but I need to.  It should be short anyway, so NOT painful in comparison to the half-hour talk.  

Haircut tomorrow!!!  I also need to decide what snacks to bring, What the crap I want to wear, and whether or not to buy some fresh dry-erase markers.  

And then go back to trying not to hurl.
-Amber-<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/06/2006 02:13:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>4 days to go</b>

At T=0 our subject was freaking out and ready to cry.  At T=120min, our subject was bopping around the lab.  This is what prelim's seem to be all out: a brutal shortening of the length between troughs of dispair and peaks of manic happiness.  F***ing wavelengths!!!

Cheerio.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/25/2006 11:35:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>GEEK PRIDE</b>

Phdcomics keeps me real.  Whenever you get crazy, it helps to know that other grad students are just as crazy, in all the disciplines (not just the biology freaks.  <a href="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=489221653835413043&pr=goog-sl">These stats TA's</a> are hardcore.  I can only WISH to be so hardcore.  Stats 4 life.

Just finished "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card.  Now I can join the crowds of people shaking this book in other people's faces and saying READ THIS IT IS AWESOME.  Fast reading, easy reading, but damn rewarding reading.  It was a little weird how much correlation I could see between what Ender is put through to become a better general and what WE are typically put through as graduate students to become "better scientists."  A little freaky.  But in the end the attitude is right on the money: Don't do it and be miserable because they "tricked" you into it.  Do it and be miserable because you CHOOSE to do it.  

Ok, back to it.  Prelim in 2 weeks!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/17/2006 02:57:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>It's tooo freaking hot</b>

This is truly the part of the midwest I like least: ridiculous heat with little rain.  It means I don't sleep well.  It means I feel sluggish.  Now that I run, it means I have to wait until evening if I want to even CONSIDER running around without puking.  Grrr.  TOO HOT AND NOT MUCH AC.  

23 days till preliminary exam.  The crankiness is setting in, no doubt encouraged by humidity.  There are so many awesome things waiting on the other side of the prelim: going to Florida with Andy to see family and lounge gratuitously, moving in with Andy, and the obvious being done with the last real exam (hopefully) I should ever have to take.  It will not get easier after that, but that hoop will have been jumped through, and the only thing standing between me and a PhD will be gettin' the work DONE.  I like that idea.  I also like the idea of focusing on life for just a little bit.  

The prelim is a good idea: it gives me reason to just sit and read and learn--and I already feel like I've learned magnitudes more in two weeks than I have in several months.  But emotionally it's taxing.  The continous curse of graduate school is that you can ALWAYS be working and thinking about science.  You have to justify your free time to the harshest of task masters: your stressed-out self.  Blargh.  

Completely unrelated: Jonah!  If you are out there and read this, I'll call you back in July!  That kindof goes for anyone reading this as well.  I'll be back to the world of the living in July.  Much love to you all.  Wish me luck and help me keep my business hat on until July 11th.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/09/2006 12:49:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>New Haircut, yo</b>

I've got B52 butterflies in my stomach I think.  I mean, I have that free-floating anxiety about prelims today that just makes me want to hurl (as if it would be over that easily! HAH!).  

I just got a new haircut this morning.  I parted with nearly 10 inches of hair (hopefully enough to donate).  This whole week I've worn it down just to let it know I care and appreciated having it around.  But oh man, it's so awesome to have above-the-shoulder-below-the-jaw bobbed hair that breezes and flips and fluffs whenever I move.  I think, quite possibly, this is the best haircut I have ever had.  Now I feel more like a rock star than Lands End catalogue wannabe.  YAY!!!

So back to stressing, because I can't help it.  In approximately one month, I'll present the oral portion of my prelim.  July 10th.  Man, every time someone asks when it is, I want to hurl all that much more.  I'm sorry I asked all those other people going through theirs.  Everyone tells me it will be fine and I'll do great, but that only helps a little.  I'd rather just be done and facing all the bigger and more ambiguous decisions of my life.  Oh, and packing to move in with that hot microbiologist I'm dating. 

Oh well, it's all going to be here before I know it.  That also makes me want to hurl just a little.  Or alot.  But hey, at least now I'll confront it all with sexy haircut.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/31/2006 04:07:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Trying. Not to. Pass. Out.</b>

I finished my first copy of the preliminary proposal!!! I spend half the time being amazed by how decent it actually is, and then the other half finding typos or awkward sentenced (or not even looking for them, just *sensing* they are there).  

So yay!  Now it's out and available for my committee, and hopefully they'll read it and like it.  For now, I'm livin' off frozen custard, cheeze, crackers and Diet Dr. Pepper, for I should've had regular food but just never got around to it.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/25/2006 11:34:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Oh Alice was right!

She TOLD me to start writing as soon as possible, and man, that would've been the good thing to do.  This writing every day thing is intensive and immersive, but I'm constantly fighting my bored brain that wants to be doing something else.  Like laundry, or clothes shopping, or running, or even freaking lab work.  Something other than staring at the darn screen all day.  Oh well, it's gettin' it done.  

I bring to you this bouquet of internet findings: 

<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/stoptentacle.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/stoptentacle.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>

First off, don't stop tentacle porn.  Not because it's better or worse than any other kind of porn, but just because it ain't fair to discriminate against invertebrates.  Just don't do it!!

Secondly, answer your <a href="http://www.filmbuffs.net/bananana/">freakin' banana phone</a>!

Then <a href="http://cookiethievery.com/train/">go ride the train</a>!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/24/2006 09:54:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Writin, and Readin', and Stormin'</b>

Ladies and gentlemen!  I've been mostly at home for the last couple of days, writing my  first version of my preliminary proposal.  It's really ridiculous how frightening a concept it can be.  It's 15 pages long, and should convince my committee of many things about my competence as a grad student.

"Justify your existence" comes to mind.  Justify it on paper in just 15 pages with enough detail to be understandable but not so much that it's a mire of detail.  It's freaking hard to do, but when the sun is shining I relish the challenge.  It's only at night, when I'm trying to sleep, that horror and self-doubt really seeps in.  

While I was running yesterday, two black cats crossed two of my paths.  One while I was running uphill, so I turned right, and then NOT A BLOCK later, a cat who could not have been the same black cat crossed my path.  What are the frickin' odds?  

Also in the omen category, however, is that I had a really good dream last night.  I was driving to the Ohio Valley Mall, along that stretch of highway that's open to the sky and goes on for miles.  All of the sudden, tornadoes were everywhere.  I didn't think I had time to pull my car off the road and hide in a ditch, so I just kept driving.  I drove straight through the tornadoes, hitting the gas hard so that the forward momentum would push me through to the other side.  I got through, and called my mom to tell her what happened.  

It was a good dream because I chose to face those first tornadoes, and survived.  I also dreamt later on that I was sitting at a table with Angela, Dave, Chris, and Andy.  Dave was really happy and talkative, and that, well, made me happy.  I've been getting a couple "closure" dreams lately, and this is the nicest of them.  I want him to be happy, just like I want all the other people I care about to be happy.  So yay!

Check out the weather for today!
THERE IS A MODERATE RISK OF SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS THIS AFTERNOON OVER PORTIONS OF SOUTH-CENTRAL WISCONSIN...GENERALLY WEST OF A LINE FROM WISCONSIN DELLS...TO MADISON...TO JANESVILLE.  SLIGHT RISK OF SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS OVER THE REMAINDER OF THE AREA. STRONG AND DAMAGING WINDS IN EXCESS OF 60 MPH...LARGE HAIL TO THE SIZE OF GOLF BALLS...AND <span style="font-weight:bold;">ISOLATED TORNADOES</span> WILL BE THE MAIN THREATS...ALONG WITH POSSIBLE FLOODING FROM LOCALLY HEAVY RAIN. STAY TUNED TO NOAA WEATHER RADIO FOR UPDATES ON THIS SEVERE WEATHER THREAT.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/21/2006 03:38:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>To Crazy Amber:
Subject: Prelims 

It’s all going to be just fine.  You’re scared that you aren’t going to be prepared.  That you won’t get it all done.  But guess what?  Worrying won’t get it done.  Worrying won’t make you prepared.

You can do this.  You have to set the fear aside and just get it done.  Relish the chance the show you DO belong here.  To fly more than a little bit blind, with pretty much no net.  It’s time to Stand.  Because you’re really only fighting yourself here.  Your own petty fears.  

Most of all, remember it’s not going to be this crazy forever.  7 weeks of madness.  It’s a crucible.  But you’ll get through it, and it’s going to go faster than you can imagine.  And then you’ll have jumped through the hoop.  You’ll have a trip to Florida, a new apartment . . . summertime!

Already this semester, you’ve pioneered a new area of research and gotten control over your own fitness.  It’s all going to be ok.  Just stop being afraid to do the work, read the papers, and get every single person’s input that you CAN get.  Ok, now go run!

Love,
Rational Amber<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/13/2006 03:03:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weird dream, again</b>

You ever have one of those dreams that stick with you all the rest of the day, and you can't quite shake the feeling of it?  That was this dream, and like always, it qualifies as weird.  

I dreamt that I was given an infant.  I told everyone that I didn't know how I got it because I didn't remember being pregnant or even HAVING the baby, how could it be mine?  But somehow it felt like it was mine.  I was trying to decide what to name it, and I had two names (neither of which I can remember) but they weren't any good.  They didn't fit.  

Then someone came by and said something like "Her name is Wilma.  It's short for Wilhelmina."  And I told the person that I liked that name, and so that would be her name.  I kept panicking that my life was over because she was my responsibility, but then I realized it was all going to be OK.  

I woke up from the dream feeling a sense of loss, like I really knew that baby and now it was gone.  I looked up what Wilma/Wilhelmina means, and it's mainly German for "determined gaurdian/protector."  

Last night Andy and I were chatting about stuff, and he started talking about someone's wife, who's name was "Vilma."  And then today I met Josh's friend, who's name is William.  Ok, so it's mostly just coincidence.  But it's still weird.  Ok!  That's my sharing moment for today.  BACK TO WORK.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/10/2006 10:53:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Say goodbye to one hoop</b>

I’m still thinking “giving talks is a funny thing.”  I mean, I started out one talk on Monday, got it thoroughly rearranged (for the best) and spent a hefty amount of Tuesday repeating my talk over and over again.  The first run-through took 40 minutes, the second a bit less, and finally, at 3AM, I had a fully-functioning-talk.  I know I dreamt about it all night, in that way where you catch snippets of your subconscious conversation and don’t want to hear anymore.  

Got up at a “normal” time this morning, and practiced again.  I was amazed and relieved that I hadn’t forgotten most of it during the night.  Got to lab, practiced it two more times.  Got to the seminar room, set everything up, and practiced the intro again.  

All that time put in, for 23 minutes in front of my peers that went by so fast.  When you’ve got a talk down, it’s a little scary when you finish because you can’t quite remember what you said, or if you left out one slide completely. . . . or gave the wrong text.  It’s like sleep walking, or I guess more appropriately sleep talking.  Freaky.  

Anyway!  All that effort WAS worth it, because it went quite smoothly and now I get to enjoy compliments instead of invent ways that I’ll be embarrassed by this talk.  The funniest part is now I can’t type accurately.  I’d like to say it was because I had to think through the talking part of my brain a lot today, but it’s probably more that I should get better than 4 hrs of sleep to function.  Oh well.  Soon I’ll go home—NEW EPISODE OF LOST!!!! AIEEEE!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/07/2006 12:19:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Late-night conversations are always the best</b>

Or at least, I think they might tie with talking while walking.  I don't know how it works, but conversations come easier when you are moving, or when you're trying to put off going to bed and having it be Sunday again.

I've got seminar on Wednesday, and need to give my practice talk tomorrow for lab meeting.  I'm the first person from our lab to give a talk at the student seminar series, so no pressure or anything.  It's going to be fine, I know.  I'm a good speaker, when I practice.  I'm writing a note to my future self to not even bother with powerpoint until I've got a fully practiced speech.  Because otherwise I putz around with powerpoint for a week and don't start really *talking* it out until Saturday.  But enough about seminars.

The stress is starting to settle in.  I knew it was coming, and I know what it's doing.  But somehow I wasn't really prepared for it either.  I get this nagging feeling that I'm putting life on hold for 3 more years, instead of getting a "real job" and starting a "real life."

This is all stress-induced bullsh**t.  I have a real life, and a great life.  I live paycheck to paycheck, but I have a all the things I need.  I've got amazing friends, with whom I sometimes share an uberbrain closeness.  I've got a guy who's all the things I never thought I'd actually find in one person.  I live in Madison--hotbed of liberal satan worshiping apparently--where it's beautiful and safe and random.  And I can do all this.  I can give a freaking seminar.  I can study and become a better scientist.  I can get the PhD.  It's just hard accepting the stress for what it is and letting it pass through me.  Blargh.  

So, in honor of all this rambling and "stepping away from the ledge" talk, let's revisit some classic sci-fi, and a speech that lots of us memorize and think ourselves cooler for doing so.  I'll admit that's not really all that cool, but this passage does have some value:

<b>The Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear.
Pg 19 of Dune</b>

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/04/2006 01:06:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Getting ready for an oral presentation of any kind is a silly experience for me.  Silly because I'm a pretty decent speaker, but I'll spend all this time worrying about how badly I'm going to mess up.  Worrying not only gets me no where, but it keeps me from actually practicing my talk ahead of time, so then it creates this stressful situation when it gets all down to the wire.  

I have most of the powerpoint done, and I have been working in my head for about a week what I want to say, so now--a week until my seminar--I need to get my bottom in gear and actually put it all together in a practicable form.  

New icon!  I was inspired by Alice and Val, and the website where you can personalize your own is: <a href="http://illustmaker.abi-station.com/index_en.shtml">abi-station</a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/28/2006 12:34:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Oh dear lord, is it happy hour yet?  

Our lab has plans to hit the terrace around 5PM today.  I've got my sunscreen and a distinct desire for beer and lake.  

I've spent the morning online, lobbing e-mails back and forth and receiving phone calls, helping out to coordinate the visit of a Nobel Prize winner to UW.  I try to imagine that this is a taste of what public relations is like, and it's pretty exhausting.  Taking the desires of a minimum of 3 different parties and making them fit into a 3-day schedule is . . . challenging.  

I really just want this time to work on my project and get ready for seminar on May 10.  This is the big seminar in front of the students and faculty of my graduate program, and I want it to be good and I want to have it polished.  But between this visit, wrapping up old projects, working on new ones, and trying to sleep enough. . . it's not working out so well.  I will escape soon to my bench to hammer these things out.  Craziness


Some things that have made life easier: 

<a href="http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/11/1109_051109_video_reddevils.html">
This is an awesome video of Humbolt squid, which do attack and eat humans.  It's a creepy video</a>
<a href="http://cuteoverload.com">
This is just plain cute, all the time.  It makes me happy</a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/22/2006 03:53:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>First week for the outdoor farmer's market on the Capitol square!!!! EEEEeeeeee!!!!  It allows me to combine my love of food with my love of people watching.  And baby watching.  And puppy watching.  Mainly I just love seeing so many different folks all grinning and frolicking and eating cheese curds.  It's contagious.  

Speaking of contagious, I caught the roaming plague that is working its way through the lab.  It starts with a sore throat, moves into your sinuses and makes you dizzy, and then moves back to the sore throat, and then slowly ekes away.  I hope it doesn't come back--this is no time of year to be sick.  As if there ever was one.  

Being sick meant I couldn't run for a week, and right now I'm sticking to the five minute walk/five minute run cycle, since it's still a bit rough near the end of five minutes and I don't want to shuffle-run.  Baby I wanna RUN run five minutes.  It's a joy these days, since the weather is turning ridiculously springy with flowers and leaves popping out everywhere.  I have managed the bravery to wear shorts and blind the world with my freakin' white legs (haven't really worn shorts for 2 summers).  It's just to warm not to wear shorts.  

My preliminary exam is scheduled for July 10th.  So there.  Deadline set.  Egads.  The day of my seminar will be two months away from it.  It's so damn close already. . . . Prepare for increasing craziness as it sinks in even more.  However, if science cooperates, I will have this really cool project to fire me up to read all the papers I'm going to have to beforehand.  Damn work!

Finally: I have the best boyfriend in the whole world (Alice it's ok because you have the best HUSBAND in the world!).  Also, I have potted lots o' flowers on my porch, and hope that the wasps don't come back so that I might lounge out there to read all those papers I mentioned. . . . 

Cheerio!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/22/2006 03:53:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>First week for the outdoor farmer's market on the Capitol square!!!! EEEEeeeeee!!!!  It allows me to combine my love of food with my love of people watching.  And baby watching.  And puppy watching.  Mainly I just love seeing so many different folks all grinning and frolicking and eating cheese curds.  It's contagious.  

Speaking of contagious, I caught the roaming plague that is working its way through the lab.  It starts with a sore throat, moves into your sinuses and makes you dizzy, and then moves back to the sore throat, and then slowly ekes away.  I hope it doesn't come back--this is no time of year to be sick.  As if there ever was one.  

Being sick meant I couldn't run for a week, and right now I'm sticking to the five minute walk/five minute run cycle, since it's still a bit rough near the end of five minutes and I don't want to shuffle-run.  Baby I wanna RUN run five minutes.  It's a joy these days, since the weather is turning ridiculously springy with flowers and leaves popping out everywhere.  I have managed the bravery to wear shorts and blind the world with my freakin' white legs (haven't really worn shorts for 2 summers).  It's just to warm not to wear shorts.  

My preliminary exam is scheduled for July 10th.  So there.  Deadline set.  Egads.  The day of my seminar will be two months away from it.  It's so damn close already. . . . Prepare for increasing craziness as it sinks in even more.  However, if science cooperates, I will have this really cool project to fire me up to read all the papers I'm going to have to beforehand.  Damn work!

Finally: I have the best boyfriend in the whole world (Alice it's ok because you have the best HUSBAND in the world!).  Also, I have potted lots o' flowers on my porch, and hope that the wasps don't come back so that I might lounge out there to read all those papers I mentioned. . . . 

Cheerio!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/13/2006 11:09:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> I reallly need new contact lenses</b>

All biofilms aside, I experience something near double-vision when I look at my computer screen with them on.  But man, I’d rather spend the money on clothes or running gear or save it for FLORIDA!

Indeed, mom wants me to head down to Florida this summer for a week or so.  I haven’t been there for nearly a decade, and these days the idea of orange marmalade on toast on the porch overlooking the dock, with all the humidity and jasmine. . . . very nice sounding indeed.  As a bonus, Mom invited Andy as well, so the picture gets even dreamier.  Ahhh.  

Speakin’ of dreams: I dreamt that I befriended the daughter of Stephen King and had to spend inordinate amounts of time acting as little like a drooling fangirl as possible.  In reality, I don’t think I would have behaved nearly so well.  I completely understand the right the Kings have to privacy in their lives, but damn even a moderately sane person like myself (hah!) might apply to graduate school at University of Maine so that she might spot him randomly at a basketball game. . . 

Last night I dreamt that I was hiding in the backseat of a car with a blanket over my head, and when I peeked out from under it someone shot me square in the forehead.  I then spent the rest of the dream crying and lamenting all the life I’d miss out on, only to realize that everyone could still hear me, so even if I was dead I could still have a pretty good life.  

Final thought: I bite my tongue a lot when I read Dave’s new postings.  I wholly don’t follow the religious course he’s taking, but if it makes him happy and whole, then I’m glad for it.  But I am tired of hearing, in cycles, about how our love wasn’t real.  Maybe for him it wasn’t—hey, I’m not him and I can’t claim to know what he thinks, really.  But it is insulting to one day be treated like a loved person, and the next be referred to as some sort of roadblock on the path to higher spirituality.  I NEVER felt that way about it, but I can only speak for me, and what the past was like from my point of view. 

Final, FINAL thought:  No ther person can MAKE you happy.  Treating people like utilities, maintenance workers, fates, or answers to your cosmic questions never works, and isn’t fair.  I’ve seen more than one person here in Madison trying to find ways to make friends, to be social.  Grad school is lonely business when you barely have time to shower or eat.  Ok, so the only true piece of wisdom I have to share here isn’t mine.  Back in California, my mother had a friend who had so many friends that one day my mom asked her how she did it.  The friend replied “It’s easy: Ask people questions, and care about the answers.”

So here's my message:  Treat people like people, and CARE about them.  Love humanity.  Love people.  If you believe in a higher power, and it gets you to rejoice in yourself and others, then I'm all for it.  If you believe in no higher power, and you rejoice in yourself and others, then I'm all for it.  Find your own way to get there.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/26/2006 11:09:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Red Dream Tornadoes</b>

More weird dreams last night.  I mean, weird dreams are typical for me, and I always feel a bit better after getting them typed out, hence my always putting them here.  

Theme 1: tornadoes
I dreamt I was in a wide bus looking out the window, and everywhere I looked I saw funnel clouds turning into full-fledged tornadoes.  As they spun and touched down, the tornadoes began to glow red inside.  The bus kept rolling through city streets, and sometimes when we came near a tornado the bus would lift up slightly, and come back down.   We turned a corner we came upon a street red with blood and littered with body parts.  I felt that it was horrible, but it was a natural result of the tornadoes.  I found myself in a parking lot, and kept looking for my car but couldn’t find it.  One of the tornadoes must have gotten it, but I didn’t feel all that bad about it.  

Theme 2: public execution
I dreamt there was a hall or ballroom—I could see it but I wasn’t actually there.  Women dressed like nuns formed two lines facing one another.  Another line of people reached through the line on one side and snapped the necks of the women in the other line; I felt that part of the punishment these women were suffering was that they didn’t know if they were the line to live or die.  The surviving women caught the dead women in their arms, and held them like infants, smiling.  In another synchronized movement, they turned and offered the bodies as gifts to another nation.  My thought was “the women are more valuable dead than alive.”  

Theme 3: fugitive
I dreamt that I was an agent for another country, and I was close to being discovered.  I was on the run.  I was driving.  I sought out an old friend, and stayed at their place—some old house with many rooms.  I felt like the friend was expecting more from the arrangement than I intended, and I didn’t feel I could trust them.  

I know I’m getting stressed about my project, and so I don’t think my brain shut down last night.  Now I’m waiting to add a reagent at 11:45PM, so I’m kinda here until then.  Weirdness.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/21/2006 10:07:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Tuesday, Twin Peaks, Four Minutes</b>

I keep waking up at night.  Or, as far as I can tell, I’ll get up the next day and at some random point I will recall waking the night before to look for something in my room.  Or remember talking to myself.  It’s likely just stress and caffeine.

Of course, watching “Twin Peaks” always makes me wonder if it’s supernatural—but that’s just my imagination crankin’ out things to scare me again, likely.  Twin Peaks is fantastic show, btw.  Even though it seems utterly bizarre, it makes a weird sort of sense.  Everything David Lynch touches feels more real than anything else in TV or cinema. The scenes look more familiar than they should--I think he may have a direct conduit to my brain.  There was this great quote last night, during one of the episodes Sarah procured on VHS, and it went something like: 

 “There are some things you can’t find in books”
“There are some things you can’t find anywhere.  But you think you can find them in other people.”

Beautiful.  

Yesterday I moved up from a 3-minute run interval to a 4-minute run interval.  It felt. . . freaking easy.  3 minutes seemed pretty challenging, but yesterday I felt like I found my stride.  Like my cerebellum finally locked in the coordination I needed to move my legs and arms at the same time, without tensing up or thinking I was going to fall over.  Four minutes felt easy, although it still took longer for my heart rate to come down.  I took a new route and got barked at by two little wiener dogs in somebody’s yard; I yelled “good boy!” at them without losing my wind.  They were doing their job, and being absurdly cute at the same time.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/18/2006 01:31:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Happy 600th Post!!!</b>

That number doesn't seem entirely possible or real, but then again the idea of highschool being ten years away doesn't quite seem right either.  It's funny, I still have several months to go before *I* turn 25 (Sarah and Andy now have), but I can see a bit more clearly now how people get a little freaked by the number.  Halfway to 30, eh?  

When I started this weblog, back in undergrad (another time getting further and further away), It was both a theraputic thing and a social thing.  It always felt good to write out what I was thinking and what bugged me or gave me passion, but putting it online had the added weight of sharing it with others, on a tiny TINY campus.  

Even though it so freaking edited, Blogging has taken me kindly through the years.  So thank you, internet.  Thank you weblogs.  They still let me peek in on how my friends are doing, or people I met only once or twice but still might see somewhere down the line.  

I'm blogging right now to keep from leaving before the dishwasher is done.  I have this nagging worry that if I leave before it's done, it will flood everything (including the drumset of the band downstairs) and then I'll feel like a REAL putz, instead of a half-putz who wants to be out running errands.  Today is another running day, but I just ate so I have to go run errands first.  Being that it is sunny, it may finally be time to get the car washed.  

Final note: "V for Vendetta" is an AWESOME AWESOME movie.  Absolutely fantastic, and has a nice "Watchmen" feel to the cinematography.  And we get the real, acting Natalie Portman, instead of Queen Amidumba.  I'm serious, this movie is wonderful.  But it also makes you a little scared and sad for our country, since they certainly don't hide the parallels in this movie.  If you see it, you'll know what I mean.  Ok!  Thank you to anyone reading this--though even if I'm the only one, it still brings me happiness to type here.  

Happy 25th Andy! Happy 600th Blogger!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/15/2006 09:44:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>My hair knows it's Wednesday</b>

Lab joke.  At least, it's all bouncy--due to being caught up in a ponytail, and being showered just yesterday.  It's long enough now that it's darn heavy, so I must take care when I sit or stand next to people with my whippy pony tail. 

In Running News: broke into the 3-minute-run last night.  Every week is another minute of runnining before stopping.  Ironically, the 2nd minute is now the most difficult.  The first minute is hard, but doable.  Then the 2nd minute is when my shoelaces start dying and I move to jog to keep going.  And then, by the 3rd minute, it's weird: like all the muscles relax, my ankles stop rolling, and I just move and when the minute is up I feel like I could keep going.  At least for, like, 10 more seconds.  

The good and crazy part of running is that AFTER running I get a bit manic-happy.  I haven't thought about work for nearly an hour, and I've taken a nice shower, and I've done something good for myself.  If I make it through this week, I'm allowed to buy myself a real treat, according to more than one website.  We'll see.  

Andy's birthday is at the end of the week, so there will be festivities and cake!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/12/2006 07:33:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weird dreams, again</b>

Last night I dreamt the following: I was living in a dorm room again.  I kept receiving mail from Dave--they were always envelopes with pictures, and in them me and he and Sam were all bathed in sunlight and looking triumphant.  There were pictures of us looking cute, of us riding a boat down a canal and Dave looking bored.  The pictures all made me really angry, because that was all over and I didn't want to think about it anymore.

In the dream, I called my mom up and told her it wasn't fair.  A lady came by and told me that if I couldn't live in the public dorms with Andy because the college wouldn't allow it.  And then another lady came into my dorm room and started packing up my stuff.  I kept asking her were all my stuff was going, and where I was supposed to live.  She wouldn't answer me.  I went roaming the halls, raving and screaming and crying about where I was going to live.  What about me?  What about my stuff?  

I woke up with teary eyes.  I still don't completely know what the heck that all meant.  Oh well, sharing this was better than doing actual lab work.

I've made it to the beginning of my 3rd week of running, which I'm really proud of, even if it's only a small victory.  First week was 9 minutes walking, 1 minute running.  Last week was 8 minutes walking, 2 minutes running.  Now it's time to crack into a full 3 minutes, which seems like so short a time when typed, but it's a bit longer on the pavement.  I sometimes feel like a bit of a wuss for starting so slow, but mostly I'm glad . . . these goals are do-able.  And it's amazing how challenging the first day of 2 minutes felt, compared to the 3rd day.  And how the first couple of running steps feel rough, but then it's like something clicks into place, or relaxes to the right spot, and off you go!

I told mom today I had started running.  She was really excited for me, and said she always loved running when she was my age, and was a bit envious I had such a nice neighborhood for it.  I've got sidewalks galore, but mom and dad live out in the country and the roads and shoulders aren't always the safest for pedestrians.  "You Go Girl!" she said, which sounds only the way a mom can make it: a little funny coming from a parent, but ultimately more encouraging than one would think.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/11/2006 11:30:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Is Borders Bookstore the nexus for lonely and creepy people in Madison?  

1.  I am not at Borders to get stared at by lone guys in the music section (is Cat Power really that sexy?)
2.  I am not at Borders to get followed from bookcase to bookcase (I'll go read my sewing book in the sports section, I guess).  
3.  I am not at Borders to get mumbled at (oh what the hell?!)

Guess what?  I'm at Borders to LOOK AT BOOKS!!! GAAAAAHHHHH!!

Seriously.  When did the bookstore become the place you go to get "checked out" by everything and have some weird guy follow you all around the store mumbling something incomprehensible at you.  And any thoughts on the proper way to handle this situation?  

Eventually mumbly guy found me in the magazine section, but mumbled at some other guy first who loudly stated "NO I DO NOT HAVE ANY MONEY.  NO WORRIES THOUGH.  I AM GOING TO GO GET SOMEONE." 

That's when I left for the travel section.  I'm a wuss.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/10/2006 02:31:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Quick, before I have to spread more bacteria on more plates. . . </b>

It's absolutely gorgeous outside--40 something and sunny.  I grabbed some Chinese food with my favorite gentleman, and we ate strawberry popsicles while walking back to lab.  Nice doesn't cover it :)  Lovely comes closer.  

Recent devlopments (in brief)
1.  I've started running 3 times a week.  It's something I haven't done since Jr. High, when I was on the Sherrard Jr. High track team.  I was freaking slow, and likely that hasn't changed.  But I've needed to get OUT and do SOMETHING or else I was going to start feeling even older and more frustrated than I actually am.  

So far, it's working out really well.  On Saturday, I'll be into my 3rd week.  So I may start posting a brief "running log" here for my own records and benefit.  I'm fairly certain I'm hooked.  

2.  I got a nice Timex watch to help me keep track of intervals and not lug my cellphone for time keeping purposes.  I haven't had a watch since college.  I had to quit then because I was a compulsive watch-checker.  I believe Dave and Sam can vouch for me on that point.  But it's great to have a watch again.  If only I could make the beeping louder so I could actually hear it. . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/06/2006 04:32:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href="http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1170368,00.html">This</a> did not make my Monday better.  I am thoroughly disgusted with South Dakota.  Even though I know the fight to overturn Roe v. Wade is inevitable, I was really hoping we'd focus on something that might actually help our nation, instead of being obsessed with who people marry and what choices women make about their own bodies.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/06/2006 02:45:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Case o’ the Mondaze</b>

I know that, overall, I was very lucky to have the family I did, growing up.  The main complaint I might ever have reason to voice is that I never felt allowed to be angry or grumpy—states which are unavoidable in the teenage mood-swing-a-minute years.  At best, and rarely, I’d get some time alone, maybe a hug.  Typically, things either went to: 

1.  Mom crying and Dad yelling at me for making Mom cry
2.  Mom and Dad thinking it was very funny, and the usual pat-on-the-head crap.  

Yeah, I know.  I have absolutely nothing to complain about.  

But oh man, on a day like today where I just feel cranky and want to *be* cranky, it’s annoying as hell to hear a chuckle.  Aren’t you so cute?  Being cute is great until you want to be taken seriously, which deep down is what it’s all about.  I can kick you in the shins just as hard as my brother can.  

In other news, the Oscars were actually pretty fun last night.  It was all pretty reserved but funny.  The BEST moment was watching the musicians behind “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” receive their Oscar.  They were so overjoyed and surprised . . .  conversely, my one pet peeve is people who clog up their speech time with “Don’t cut me off” or “I know I have ten more seconds.”  Look folks, there is a valid reason for keeping the speeches to a certain time.  Spending your time expressing disdain over the policy is whiny and cuts into your own speech time.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/03/2006 09:28:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Blurrrrgh</b>

It's one of these mornings where I had to fight to wake up.  I was all out of diet Dr. Pepper--one morning ritual denied.  Stephanie Miller wasn't on the radio--it was some lame guy who did the Fox-News-Esque fact in the form of a question.

"Question: did Amber not sleep well last night?"

I stayed up too late reading all my new comics.  Then I woke up at that pagan 3-4AM time.  There was a man in my room with a black scarf and gold earrings, facing the wall.  I knew it was a bad thing that he was only 4 feet away from me.  

"Um, sir?  I don't know how you got in here, or why you're here, but if you just leave now I won't say anything.  I won't call the police."  

The figure didn't move.  Or maybe I saw a shuffle?  It didn't matter.  I was out of sane options.  What was left was screaming--would the roommate hear?  I asked again if they would just leave.  No response.  So be it.  I made myself turn on the light. 

It was just my freaking lamp--the dark shape of the man's scarf was just my blue velvety frog from undergrad.  The gerbil patter of my pulse was slowing, so I turned over and went to bed.

So yeah, I didn't sleep well last night.  It was the classic "sleep paralysis combined with feeling someone is in the room with you" scenario.  Yuck.

But now it's sunny, Friday, and I have a fresh cup of coffee here beside me.  It ain't all that bad.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/19/2006 04:39:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Past -20 C, isn't it all just damn cold?</b>

I'd say the answer is "yes" but I just made sure to stay the hell inside for most of the winter chill advisory that was this weekend.  We got a HUGE snowstorm (hello foot of snow!) and it will likely hang around for awhile, since it's still very, very cold here.  The fact that breaking 20 tomorrow will feel balmy is a scary fact.  

I'm at a point now in my research where mysterious and intriguing things are happening, but I can't jinx them by saying they are good or bad.  Just mysterious.  Science is a harsh mistress.  Don't let anyone ever convince you otherwise.  

On a related note, <a href="http://www.pomonahistorical.org/12times.htm">this chick</a> is my hero-of-the-moment.

I'm broke--not just hit bottom but dug deep into my reserve line of credit.  I will blame it on paying 300 dollars student fees in one month.  But I could also blame it on comic books or food or movies.  Damn.  February is thankfully nearly over, but still some 9 days remain before I'll see a paycheck.  

Ok! Back to work.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/17/2006 12:30:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Snowin'</b>

Just ten posts away from 600 posts.  It could be an awesome or pathetic thing, depending on your point of view.  I'm happy with it.  Yes, it's meant my journal is an edited-for-TV one, but it's so much easier, and shared. 

It snowed I think nearly a foot here today.  It made getting into work interesting--the majority of people on the streets and buses were grad students and college students, it seemed.  Almost no-one was at work when I finally got my snow-laden self there, and most of them left after 1PM to get home safely.  It was very much like a holiday.  

I shared <a href="http://www.rathergood.com/your_pants/">this </a>with some of the labmates.  It's a flash animation, it's work safe, and it has a picture of OUR SQUID flying through it!!!

Ok, now I'm going to try to go to bed.  Friday again!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/12/2006 05:02:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Da-da-cheek, Da-da-dum</b>

It's Sunday again!  Once again, it happened way too fast, but ok.  Slept in both days, have been in lab minimally, and actually had some time to go out to St. Vinnie's and write out V-day cards.  I feel good.  I'm gonna plan out my work week a bit, and then go home to let some Indian food simmer for lunches while I enjoy the hottest shower possible.  And tonight I'll watch Gray's Anatomy with friends and tasty snacks. 

The big news from home: my sister Liz landed the lead role in her highschool's spring production of "Anything Goes."  All I know is that the musical is by Cole Porter and her role was originally played by Ethel Murman.  All the tapdancing classes paid off, apparently!

Also in the realm of good news:  I've found an apartment for August 2006.  I will have to share it with this incredibly handsome microbiologist, but somehow I'll manage.  I'll admit to being excited, relieved, and a little squelchy-terrified of moving in with the boyfriend, but it's mainly alot of the first two and a sprinkle of the latter.  And mom was happy about it, not hedging her language in supportive-but-not-thrilled tone, so I'm relieved about that too.  That's a whole swath of stress removed from my life.  How often does THAT happen?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/08/2006 11:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Odds and Ends</b>

I finished the Dark Tower series.  It feels epic to have made it all the way through, even though it's kindergarten length next to The Wheel of Time series, or so I've heard.  Those who have read the series or are in the process know there is an ending past the ending Stephen King tells you he wants, and warns you not to read it if you want to be happy.

I knew I couldn't resist reading it.  And you know what?  I really liked the ending.  Really.  But maybe it's because Stephen King is like the creators of the Legend Of Zelda Games for the N64: The work is full of bitchery, but you go through ALL of it because you still love it so much.  Yes, Stephen King's stuff is like that.  He does silly things sometimes, and can't always end a story when the time comes, but good GOD his stuff changes my world.  And there have been times where I found myself understanding why people stalk him, try to get to his house and such.  But that's another story.  Now I must finish my labwork and pretend I don't think there are ghosts in the lab.  Goodnight!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/05/2006 01:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Last stop in procrastination-ville!</b>

For once, it appears my Sunday will be far better than my Saturday.  Usually it's the other way around: the reality of monday sinks in on Sunday, and I spend most of it worrying instead of chillin'. 

It's been a mildly rough week.  Without classes, I have much more time to focus on work, but conversely that means I get really deep into it and don't realize I should take more breaks.  I don't know if that makes sense, but it's only NOW starting to dawn on me anyway.  I stayed up too late on wednesday reading the Dark Tower (my fault) and ended up being completely zoned out and depressive on Thursday.  And of course, being upset and depressive always makes me upset even more since I worry why I'm so upset (dumb).  It's a downward spiral.  

I was psyched for Friday, but exhausted by the time it got there.  Instead of taking my guy out dancing, I stayed home, did my laundry, took a shower, and invited him over to sit on the couch with me and look at webcomics.  

I slept in waaay too much on Saturday (aka, 2PMish), which meant by the time I got rollin into work there was about one hour of sun left, and I'd lose it to work.  That's no good for the psyche.  It was one of those days where all I really wanted to do was go home, curl up with a movie and be quiet, but it was saturday and I also wanted to socialize and help Sarah bake cookies and such.  Conflicting!

This is all very selfish rambling, but oh well.  The overall message here was that I needed to curl up and be quiet, and eventually that's just what I did.  You work so hard you feel like you need to go out and play hard too, but I just haven't been doing much of the at-home-me-time stuff that's actually kindof important.  So Saturday evening, I did that--grabbed a blanket and watched the last disc of Tenchi Muyo! and zone the f**k out.  Then went and saw Underworld:Evolution, which was really bad but in a good way.  

And now it's sunday, and I should get some work done before the Superbowl commericial -fest.  Cheers!

-Amber-<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/30/2006 12:32:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>The last bits of January have nearly been consumed.  It was a slower month, but still it went by so very damn fast.  Oh well, that's life!

Had a pretty good weekend.  Got up early on Saturday to go be weekend squidmeister.  We had some extra squid arrive from Hawaii that I had to unpack and set in bowls of one part seawater-they-travelled-in to new seawater to acclimate them.  Well, the one female we got was pretty upset with the whole situation, and proceeded to squirt ink turret-gun style out of the bowl, missing me (thankfully) but making a very artsy pattern on the squidroom floor.  She calmed down after I left her in a new, un-inked-in bowl all by herself for a half hour.  

Other than that, not much to report.  I introduced Sarah to the wonders of Predator 2, which wasn't really as good as I remember it being, but I think it just looks alot more dated now.  I still hate Fox for running both Alien and Predator franchises into the ground.  Also, in some grand metaphor for life I'm sure, Andy and Sarah tried to bake brownies but they didn't cook all the way.  It could have been a bad thing, except we just heaped them over vanilla ice cream and it was ridiculously good.  Sunday, I slept in until 1PM and spent most of the day putzing around the apartment, making myself tuna salad, watching Tenchi Muyo, calling the folks. . . also, I cleaned my room today, and have a brand new humidifier which allows me to access the filtering apparatus (unlike my old cheapo walgreens one).  So yay.  

Ok bedtime.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/23/2006 09:54:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Sometimes, I hate having those scary deadline dreams.  This morning I dreamt that I had to give an hour-long talk and I had exactly one hour to work on it, and I hadn't read any papers yet or anything.  So I was freaking out.  And then I started to realize I didn't even HAVE any classes this semester so it was impossible for me to have a talk to give for a class.  So of course, I woke up.  

But man, compared to that scenario, just waking up and having it be Monday isn't so bad.  

I have now finished the Julie/Julia Project book, and should get back to finishing the Dark Tower. . . I've taken a break from it up until now.  I think I'm putting off having to reach the end of it.  After that, likely I'll give Ender's Game a whirl.  

In other news, I went swimming with Andy and Roger on Thursday, which started off slightly traumatic (I'm typically a lazy, non-competitive swimmmer and I find myself surrounded by really swift lap swimmers and my arms are wussy).  But, after I started to remember my swimming lessons from gradeschool so that I could paddle a mediocre freestyle, it started getting fun.  Really the best thing was just getting the old heart rate going and thinking about something other than science.  And the next day yielded that great semi-sore-but-giddy feeling of a great night's rest and slightly worked muscles.  I keep forgetting how nice that is.  And I've got to forget it for now, because it's BACK TO WORK TIME.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/19/2006 10:34:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/giddy_travel.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px;" src="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/giddy_travel.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>


Today I get to use one of my SAT words!  JUXTAPOSITION

except maybe this isn't a case of funny juxtaposition, since the things being mixed together are usually supposed to be mostly unrelated. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/16/2006 11:08:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> Happy 3rd Birthday Trogdor!!!</b>

I must admit that though it has been rather crazy, life has been pretty good.  Maybe I’m jinxing it right now by saying it, but oh well.  

It’s the final lull before classes start again here at UW Madison.  The undergrads were already back wandering the streets last night—a clear sign of the coming spring semester.  Soon it will be chock full of students and seminars, but thankfully I don’t have to teach or take classes this semester.  It also means I have no excuse but to buckle down and get work done, but if my project pans out I’ll be happy to throw myself into it.  

With no possible sublettors in sight, I’ll likely be staying at my current apartment through the lease term, which ends I believe in August.  That’s not so bad, really.  My roommate and I are getting along decently for the time being.  

I am also awash in post-christmas reading bliss.  I’m currently reading about 2-3 different things at once: graphic novels (John Constantine, currently) for the busrides, “Julie & Julia” for before-bed reading, and still trooping through “The Dark Tower” when I get the chance.  In regards to the last book, I keep freaking seeing the number 19 EVERYWHERE.  

I’ve also been the lucky recipient of the “Aeon Flux” DVD’s, which I love love LOVE but have to fight not to think to hard about the individual episodes, because they don’t always make complete sense.  More of the general “cross your eyes and look at the blur that is this picture” making sense.  

Also, new episodes of LOST upcoming. . . .

It’s funny, the things that bring you that quiet joy that when you’re a teenager you imagine to be really boring.  Reading a really good book.  Cooking a tasty dinner.  Taking a ridiculously long, hot shower.  I’m in a good place right now, before the stress re-sets in.  And damnit I’ll enjoy it while I can.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/10/2006 11:17:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Random link of awesomeness: 

http://www.ugoto.com/videos/octopuseatsshark.html

Yet another reason I'm glad the squid we work with are much smaller than we are. . .


Also, thanks to Brother Don I continue to love "Tribute" by Tenacious D.  Jack Black always reminds me of Andy Walker in a good way.  
<i>
[Spoken]
This is the greatest and best song in the world... Tribute.

Long time ago me and my brother Kyle here,
we was hitchhikin' down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:
[Sung]
"Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul." (soul)
[Spoken]
Well me and Kyle, we looked at each other,
and we each said... "Okay."
[Sung]
And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The Best Song in the World, it was The Best Song in the World.

Look into my eyes and it's easy to see
One and one make two, two and one make three,
It was destiny.
Once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
And the grass doth grow...

Needless to say, the beast was stunned.
Whip-crack went his Whoopy tail,
And the beast was done.
He asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are but men."
Rock!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!

This is not The Greatest Song in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.
Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song the greatest song in the world.
[2-part skat]
[Spoken]
And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the song we sang on that fateful night it didn't actually sound
anything like this song.
[Sung]
This is just a tribute! You gotta believe me!
And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin',
So surprised to find you can't stop it.
[Skat]
All right! All right!
</i><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/09/2006 03:49:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>January, week 2</b>

I think part of what makes life wonderful are the little things that bring you just a bit more happiness and/or comfort.  Yes, it sounds pretty Hallmark-y.  It’s pretty cold in Madison, so for X-mas Mom always gets me silk longjohns to wear during the day.  This year she got me sweet sciencey ones that are made with coolmax fibers which wick away moisture and keep you from getting TOO hot.  And man, they are neat.  

Saw “Brokeback Mountain” yesterday with Sarah.  All the viewings were eventually sold out, but we made it into one.  It was an excellent, albeit sad, film.  I was afraid it was going to be a mediocre romance movie with guy-on-guy action as the gimmick.  Instead, it was the story of two people who loved each other, even though they could never show it.  It’s a very aching sort of romance and I had to follow it up with a chaser of something funny.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/05/2006 09:52:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>In an effort to save time, I post my e-mails to Alice because it's pretty much all the things I want to say, minus the stuff I don't</b>

Life is C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!

It was a grand holiday break, spent sleeping and eating and hanging out
with the family.  Because mom doesn't like me driving 12 hours all by
myself back to Madison, she let me take my younger sister Liz (16yrs)
with me.  Oh Alice, she used to be this short, loud, sensitive little
girl and now she's this tall, blonde & tan & blue-eyed talent vehicle
with more boyfriends than I ever had and alot more poise and wisdom than
I could have EVER anticipated.  It was scary and great, even if it meant
I felt shorter, pudgier, and less glamorous by far.  It was cool, and
I'm so proud of her.  She's thinking of going into musical
theatre/theory--her passion is music and she has a tremendous singing
voice.  Lots of raw talent, and now she's taking voice lessons, music
theory classes, tap-dancing. . . and buying cute boots for her auditions. 

On my work front: the boss proposed an absolutely fantastic project
right before break.  He had been discussing it with a former lab member,
and then told me about it, and then wasn't able to phone
that lab member and further discuss the possibility of me taking up the
project.  So, when I e-mailed her to ask what she thought, it resulted
in a "hey, that's MY project" e-mail.  Which was a fair response.  So I resigned myself to the idea that I wouldn't get to work on the super cool project.  Then I got back into lab today, told Ned about it, and he remembered he should call her,
and so it all worked out and now I have the cool project!!! EGADS.  If
it works, I will have an awesome project on my hands, and something I'd
be excited to work on a prelim for.  God, I hope it works.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/16/2005 05:27:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Nightmares</b>

Isn't it funny, the things we have nightmares about?  Mine run in about three main flavors: 
1. Spiders and clowns
2. School-related (exams, projects, labs)
3. Relationships

The last one always--the next day--feels the silliest.  I mean, relationships can hurt alot in reality, but you get over them.  Spiders and clowns. . . . failing a class. .. aren't those bigger and scarier setbacks?  

I dream that I'm looking for a certain person, and I can't find them anywhere.  I dream I'm dating someone new or someone old, and I start flipping out because I know I'm supposed to be with the person I'm with IN REALITY.  I dream the person I'm with never really liked me all along, and leaves me to be with someone else, and they laugh at me.  That last one, man, I know where that comes from, yessir.  Relationship nightmares are funniest the next day, but they take longer to leave you.  

But isn't it funny?  Aside from, again, the killer clowns and swarms of spiders, what is there to be afraid of?  *These* are thing things I fear?  

Well! In reality news, I'm maybe on the verge of an awesome new project.  Also, in theory, I'm driving home to WV on Tuesday.  I guess I should pack. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/13/2005 12:10:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>I'm currently sitting on the couch, listenin' to Cat Power and waiting for my mochi to finish baking--I presented at lab meeting last week, so this week I'm in charge of snacks.  It's a good system.  I'm in favor of any system that provides you with delicious snacks during that deadly-dull time after lunch and before dinner.  

We've had two new grad students join the lab--Sarah and I are the seniormost grad students, which still feels just wrong, and yet I'm warming to the idea.  My experiment which had me in lab from 9AM to 8:30PM on Saturday just plain didn't work.  There's a mantra floating out there in the science world, that whenever you do an experiment for the first time, "data is a bonus."  And that's very, very true.  Very comforting.  And at the same time, man, that was alot of work and I'd sure like to have real results already!  

By this time next week, I may very well be in Wheeling, WV.  Not especially looking forward to the drive, but at least I'll have Chris to chat with.  I'm REALLY not looking forward to the drive back--12-13 hours of just me and the road.  

In general, things aren't that bad but I've never felt so angry and generally pissy.  I complain about everything.  I've had my first interpersonal altercation at work, but worked to smooth it over, so I guess I'm not a loose canon by any means.  I think maybe it is time for this break to happen.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/07/2005 03:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>CONSUME!</b>

Ok, things have calmed down a bit now.  Graduate school is an emotional endurance race.

I’ve finished “The Song of Susannah” and I’m on to the final book in the Dark Tower Series, “The Dark Tower.”  We’ve almost reached the clearing at the end of the path, my friends.  My initial concern was that there is a character somewhere in this book based in some part on the scary clown from “It” and there are just some nights that would be too creepy to deal with that sort of scariness.  Fortunately, I know the character’s name and one of the chapter titles has it.  So in theory I’ll be able to hold off reading that part until I’m not all alone, or something.  Yeah, right.  

I’ve also discovered too new bands to enjoy: “Cat Power” and “The Decemberists.”  What a joy it is to hear a band for the first time and really enjoy them.  Sometimes you have to listen a couple of times before that happens.  And sometimes it’s love at first sight, no?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/07/2005 03:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>CONSUME!</b>

Ok, things have calmed down a bit now.  Graduate school is an emotional endurance race.

I’ve finished “The Song of Susannah” and I’m on to the final book in the Dark Tower Series, “The Dark Tower.”  We’ve almost reached the clearing at the end of the path, my friends.  My initial concern was that there is a character somewhere in this book based in some part on the scary clown from “It” and there are just some nights that would be too creepy to deal with that sort of scariness.  Fortunately, I know the character’s name and one of the chapter titles has it.  So in theory I’ll be able to hold off reading that part until I’m not all alone, or something.  Yeah, right.  

I’ve also discovered too new bands to enjoy: “Cat Power” and “The Decemberists.”  What a joy it is to hear a band for the first time and really enjoy them.  Sometimes you have to listen a couple of times before that happens.  And sometimes it’s love at first sight, no?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/03/2005 12:58:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>We breathe.

In some ways it seems retarded and highchool-health-classish.  Get angry, take a couple deep breaths.  Find that your still working on a project that appears to be going nowhere?  Breathe deep and finish it.  Barely enough money.  Barely enough time.  Barely enough willpower to breathe through it.  

I've never been a huge fan of this time of year.  It always moves too fast, and is completely crammed with obligations and time constraints.  Always involves going home, missing whichever loved one I've left to go visit my own family.  Always feeling overweight and scrutinized, mainly by me but also by others in these post-dis-engagement times.  

Suddenly it will be JanuFebuMarch and I'll be going crazy with prelims.  If we can all make it through this year, it will be wonderful.  Dear lord, think of the summer months and the certainty that I'll make it as a scientist.  But for now, there's alot of breathing to be done.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/03/2005 12:58:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>We breathe.

In some ways it seems retarded and highchool-health-classish.  Get angry, take a couple deep breaths.  Find that your still working on a project that appears to be going nowhere?  Breathe deep and finish it.  Barely enough money.  Barely enough time.  Barely enough willpower to breathe through it.  

I've never been a huge fan of this time of year.  It always moves too fast, and is completely crammed with obligations and time constraints.  Always involves going home, missing whichever loved one I've left to go visit my own family.  Always feeling overweight and scrutinized, mainly by me but also by others in these post-dis-engagement times.  

Suddenly it will be JanuFebuMarch and I'll be going crazy with prelims.  If we can all make it through this year, it will be wonderful.  Dear lord, think of the summer months and the certainty that I'll make it as a scientist.  But for now, there's alot of breathing to be done.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/25/2005 12:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>SCAMALOT</b>

Man, it took me a little while to decide on a title for this entry.  This title was in a close race with “SCAMa-lama-ding-dong”

I mean, doesn’t that have a nice ring to it?  

Anyway!  My adventures in the quest for new housing continue.  Just to review, I’ve had 3 responders to my online ad’s: 

1.  Someone who was coming to UW to learn English.  It was an adventure reading that e-mail and I’m still not entirely sure they were female.

2.  A girl, 18, who was moving to Madison to be with her boyfriend.  The catch?  She was looking for a “fun, friendly female to share an apartment with her AND her boyfriend.”  And while that could prove intriguing, I didn’t think that would end up well for me and Sharon.  

3.  The most promising of the 3, who claims to be a professional model.  

And it is entrant #3, friends and neighbors, which I will tell you about today!

Ok, ok, so it would be odd to have a professional model want to live in Madison, WI.  But hey, it’s near enough to Chicago and airports that maybe, MAYBE it would be worthwhile to live here at a cheaper cost o’ living.  At this point I’m skeptical, but entertained by the concept.

So I send this lady an e-mail explaining about the apartment, etc. , my hopes a little brightened that I might be able to land that sweet apartment with all utilities paid. . . And then I get a reply e-mail, and we get a little more background on mystery renter #3.  She is from ENGLAND, but now living with her mother—who is a missionary—in Africa.  But she really wants to move to the US and has job offers here.  Oh the hopes and dreams of a young model!  I envision her speaking with a crisp British accent about fried cheese curds, flying out of the Dane Co. airport to who knows where!  

Ok, ok, so now you’re probably wondering, like me, what a professional model is doing in the meantime in Africa.  Perhaps more red-flag-inducing, She also *generously* offers to pay a deposit on the apartment and seems extremely eager to do so, and wants to know the amount immediately.  When I reply telling her that—LUCKY HER!—there would be no initial deposit needed, she still insists that she pay to it show she is *serious* about the place and to reserve it, because she has many modeling jobs at stake, including one in. . . . Tennesee?  

I’m not saying that there AREN’T modeling jobs in Tn., but c’mon.  And now she’s asking for and address and phone number so that a CLIENT OF HER MOTHER’S, who owe’s her money, can cut a check for the deposit and perhaps the entire lease.  

CONGRATULATIONS AMBER!!! YOU HAVE ENJOYED A VARIATION ON THE CLASSIC AFRICAN CASHIER CHECK SCAM!!!

Ok, ok, so I can’t actually be sure this was a real scam.  In fact, somewhere out there a Kathy Byrnes (kathy_byrnes@yahoo.com) may be frantically looking for an apartment in cheeseland so that she can get to those modeling jobs. If so, I’m sorry to give her the shaft by replying “no thanks” and not to e-mail me further.  

But let’s suspend disbelief and pretend this IS a scam.  Here are the common elements, as far as I can tell: 

1.  A female from Africa (no particular country, but somehow both rich and hot (model) or maybe just rich (princess).  

2.  Looking for an apartment in a city with no particular reason for wanting to live there.  Mine wouldn’t explain why, even when I asked directly.  

3.  Has a mother in the picture.  Ok, so we all have a mother, in theory.  What’s interesting is that, from reading up on these scams, SOMETIMES the mother gets sick right when they cut you the check, and then she dies around the time the check is delivered.

4.  Ahh, the check.  Apparently how this scam usually works—regardless of why they are sending you a check, be it for a deposit on an apartment or down payment on a car, etc.—is that they write out a check for waaaaaay more than the actual price of whatever is in question, and then want you to wire back the difference.  If there’s a dead mother involved, they may plead that you cash the check quickly so that they can pay for the funeral.  Of course, the check is a counterfeit.  And you’re screwed, with no way to actually get any recourse.  And, in my case, I would be out craploads of money and STILL living in the same apartment.  

I’m both really fascinated at this whole operation and kinda bummed that I still have no prospect for a roommate to take over my part of the lease.  I mean, the e-mails were in very nice english, and were just weird enough that you could almost believe it.  And from looking online, they follow a pattern of increasing urgency and info requesting.  OH well.  I think I may just have to ride it out and have the grand advantage of plenty o’ time to find a new place for Fall 2006.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/22/2005 12:32:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Awake awake awake</b>

Grr, the only problem with having a lull in work where you can spend a good portion of the evening doing whatever means that you're not nearly exhausted enough to fall asleep.  That's me, awake as all get-out.

I keep gnawing the inside of my cheek over my housing situation.  I have really come to a point where I think I need to live on my own for awhile.  Maybe there are issues my roommate and I share, but alot of my unhappiness is just due to coming home and having to deal with ANYONE.  Stupid things like having to share kitchenspace or who gets to use the TV.  Getting deadbolted out some nights.  Having to freaking *announce* I'm taking a shower or get asked if it's ok if the other person does.  This is my blogger confession: I am accumulating irrational intolerances like this.  At my house, man, it was survival of the fittest and swiftest to the bathroom on THAT account.  

Anyway.  Having looked at the classifieds it seemed like there ought to be plenty of ladies who needed a room in Madison--and damnit we have a fantastic location and an awesome kitchen here.  I figured, hey, all I need to do is make the big jump and start e-mailing them, and one or two are bound to reply.  

So far, I have gotten one person who appeared to be working 3 jobs and didn't really speak english, and one *possible* lead who just e-mailed today.  And already the plum apartment I had my eye on (all utilities paid for, perfect location nearby, and a 1bdrm instead of studio) got swooped up.  

On the plus side, it will save me money not to move until after the holiday season and tax returns.  Also the dreaded issue of packing. . . . However, I just really want to live on my own.  Sometimes it seems more complicated than that, but honestly I think that's what it all boils down to.  Maybe I'm not the considerate person I thought I was.  I'm not interested in making joint decisions on crackers and garbage bags.  I just don't want to have to debate my after-work lifestyle based on how it might effect my roommate.  And nobody is making me do that but me.  I'm not so sure I'm inconsiderate so much as I agonize over how to be most considerate, and end up driving MYSELF crazy.  Maybe they should get my cave up on some mountain pass warmed up and aired out for me.  Bleh.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/18/2005 03:31:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Uggghh, bad dream</b>

I had a dream last night so scary that I started to wake up from it—like I was trying to bail out of the dream, and then I realized, in that semi-awake delusional state—that the scary clown in my dream was probably waiting there in my bedroom for me to wake up.  So then I tried to get back into dreamland, half succeeded . . . yuck.  It wasn’t fun.  

It’s been a nicely busy week, though.  I’ve had lots of squid to run experiments with.  I also donated blood on Tuesday—Andy and I made a date of it—and I did a very good job as a donator, I think.  No horrible bruising, and mostly giddiness afterwards.  
 
On the entertainment front, I’ve finished “The Wolves of the Calla” and will now try to acquire “Song of Susannah.”  My friends and I have finished watching the 1st season of Lost.  And in theory, I’ll go see the new Harry Potter movie.  My good idea for today was that it would be great to take the Harry Potter universe into Joss Whedon’s brain, shake it around, and then enjoy the more witty and adult product.  That would make me happy.  

Almost thanksgiving, eh?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/10/2005 03:14:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/PONY-712908.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/uploaded_images/PONY-709626.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>
<b>Wheeeee!</b>

Coast with me on the manic high of a job well done!  I’m nearing the end of my responsibilities for my T.A. position this semester.  This week was a biggie—doing a 1 hour lecture on Tuesday and a 1 hour discussion section today.  Ok, so it’s nothing compared to being an actual professor and doing this EVERY week, but it’s still damn challenging and I STILL get nervous when I have to speak in public, even if it always turns out respectably.  

I love my TAship this time round.  All the students are 1st year grad students, mostly from my program, and they are just so damn sharp.  I thought I was going to have to pull teeth to keep them talking during discussion section, and then they sat there and discussed and debated and brainstormed with practically no prompting at all.  They were wonderful and I still felt smart and helpful.  It was, well, rewarding.  

So here we are in November!  I knew it would get here soon.  I’m still working through “The Wolves of the Calla” in the gunslinger series, and THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE COMES OUT SOON!!!  EEEEEeeeeee!!!

Songwise, I hit a milestone today of small proportions.  I have been able to listen to The Barenaked Ladies without becoming teary-eyed.  I know, it’s a stupid thing to mark, but whatever.  There are a lot of songs I haven’t really been able to enjoy because they reminded me of Dave.  And yeah, they still do, and always will.  But it’s good to get to enjoy them again.  I had worked through Moxy Fruvous and now I can do Barenaked Ladies. . . what next?

Also, I’m enjoying the best of the Cure . . . such a lovely sound and lovely lyrics!  I remember dancin’ my little heart out to this one at the Cardinal last week?

<i>You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You’re just like a dream</i>
                    --“Just Like Heaven,” The Cure<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/04/2005 04:55:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>COPY PASTE</b>

Well, since Alice is on Honeymoon, I had to borrow a quiz from someone else to fill up my time.  It's been a swift, busy day at work, and now I have a squid experiment running and I'm checking out some mutants--good stuff.  So here's a copied quiz, with my answers instead.  

1. What are you most self concious about?

Probably whatever that ACTUALLY is, I wouldn't type out here.  C'mon, really?  Maybe I worry I sound like a fluffy idiot around my colleagues.  

2. What's your favourite word?

For usage, I'd have to say "magical."  It seems to put together mystifying and wonderful which alot of things are.  I use "magical" maybe even too much.  As far as favourite <i>sounding</i> word, that would have to be "Ballymeade" which was the name of some streat in Columbus, OH.  It just sounds warm and jolly and dancing.  


3. What's your biggest fear?

Getting no respect.  Followed by monsters/ghosts.  Followed by living alone.  


4. What's the weirdest thing ever to happen to you at work/school?

Once, in gradeschool, I was sitting at the lunchtable in the gym/cafeteria and a spider climbed right up the side of my face, and I remember it to this day because I don't think I was the one who noticed what it was right away--I just felt this tickling on my face until some kid across the table screamed.  

5. If you were going to have a revolution, what kind of society would you create?

It would definitely be a society like in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert A. Heinlein.  I would have a moon farm and it would be run by my large extended family made up of mutliple wives and husbands and all the children resulting.  I don't remember alot more about the book these days, but I remember that the "Loonies" were very secular and practical, since the moon is indeed a harsh mistress and there isn't time for alot of B.S.  I'd love to be challenged by a harsh environment and face it with an army of friends and family.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/31/2005 05:59:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Wedding</b>

Full weekends of memory-intense time are really REALLY hard to get down on paper very well.  I really should have been taking notes, but of course didn’t have time (or paper) to do so.  

It’s probably a stretch to say that being a bridesmaid is performing a public duty.  I don’t think they regularly save lives or clean streets or anything.  But, you serve a purpose, and that’s tangible.  Once people at the airport knew I was carrying a bridesmaid’s dress, they got *instantly* friendlier.  Everyone knows and understands what you do—diametrically opposed to what it’s like to being a grad student.  But taking on that role, introducing myself as one of the bridesmaids, helping Alice with anything I could, moving to the dance floor as a group of identically dressed ladies . . . it felt good and helpful.  Purposeful.  “I’m another part of your army” I told Alice.  “Put me to work!”

Now, I’ve been a bridesmaid before.  Last time, I was 19 and my 17-year-old roommate at Hiram was getting married.  She was practically running the thing solo.  Her family wasn’t really into it, and so she had me and two or three other friends my age to help with someonething none of us had experience doing.  It was lonely, really.  Now, with Alice’s wedding the bridal party was pretty much all the same age (mid twenties), and the great thing was that we were this huge force of funny, responsible, energetic people and family members helping our Alice get it done.  It was FUN.  Crazy of course, with about five million things to remember to do, but it was exciting and dreamy.  That was the great thing.

The weird thing was that recurring sense that we were, to a certain extent, flying solo.  It’s this giddy but scary feeling that I guess heralds in the mid to late twenties, where you begin to realize that you are no longer younger than grown-ups.  You ARE a grownup, albeit a young one.  I remember going to weddings when I was younger and looking up to the bridesmaids and groomsmen and bride and groom and thinking how adult they were, and how long it would be until I was there age.  And without warning, here I am.  It’s like the first time I swam without my floaties: I just jumped in and did it before I even realized I’d left them back by my towel.  Being at an age where MY close friends have gotten married and have kids. . . . being able to sit at a table of adults and hold a charming conversation and appear smart and interesting and calm. . . feeling responsible for people, having wisdom to share. . . not fearing snobs and gossip and “what other people think” as much. . . it’s all so good but just a little scary at the same time.  

I’m not going to give you a rundown of the wedding in full.  For one thing, I’ve already gone through that with mom, who asked “Now Amber, are you taking notes?”  Which of course I always have.  I’m a girl, and I do really like weddings, and hope that someday I’ll have one as nice as this one was.  I could say the wedding was a complete success because of the weather, or maybe the live Motown band and open bar, or the beautiful locations that were all near one another.  But really, what made it great was that Alice and Dan have surrounded themselves with wonderful people, and Alice and Dan were the common thread that brought us all together.  I loved all the bridesmaids—we had a great time and got to know eachother better, though not nearly well enough.  My hair was fantastic, I looked damn fine in my dress, and I had guys chatting me up for good portions of the evening—always nice for the ego, although I continued to wish that Andy was there so we could go dance and dance to all that great music.  

It was just a fantastic wedding and weekend, where pretty much all things went as planned or nearly so, and two people who have been in love since 16 got hitched.  It was Beeeeeautiful.  And I still love my Alice dearly, and hope to see her again—but for the meantime I hope they are having a fantastic honeymoon!

As for ME, I spent all Sunday afternoon napping at Andy’s while he worked on the prelim, and that was exactly what I wanted.  Now I’ve gotta buckle down—holiday season is coming up. . . And I should really try to catch my bus.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/31/2005 09:58:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>COMING SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU</b>

I will make sure to do a heapin' grand entry of my adventures as a bridesmaid (this is my 2nd bridesmaid role, btw. . . one more and apparently I am thrown into the pits of never-a-bride limbo).  

Stay tuned, maybe!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/20/2005 04:48:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Feel the awesomeness of 3 hours of sleep</b>

Oh, it's my fault.  I'm busy, but if I would stop putting off things that are sortof boring, then I wouldn't be stuck staying up late to finish them.  

<b>Your quotes for today (and yesterday):</b> 

"DO NOT QUESTION THE MADNESS" --some random student's t-shirt

"Oooh!  (Amber,) you are one sneaky bastard!" --Carlene

<b>Your thought for today</b>
What a wonderful gift it is to be in an awkward situation but not realize it at the time.  

Today we get to go to the animal shelter and help Sarah pick out a new kitty!  Weeee!  *fights puppy fever*<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/13/2005 01:21:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>B-largh</b>

It’s rainy and gloomy today, and although I passed out from 7ish-1lish and then was up for a little while, and then went to sleep till this morning. . . I’m still kindof tired and think maybe my immune system is fighting <i>something</i>.  

Already very poor, and the month isn’t really half over yet.  

On the bright side, at the end of October I get to go to Cleveland-land to see my dear Alice get hitched, and be a bridesmaid to boot!  It will mean getting hair & makeup done to go along with my custom-fitted dress, which will mean I will get to be utterly fantastic.  But more than that, it will mean getting to spend some time with one of my favorite people ever who I haven’t seen since graduating.  It’s funny how that worked.  By the time I realized the greatness of Alice as a friend, we were off going our separate ways.  She’s a kindred spirit (Anne of Green Gables reference is required).  

I’ve let my roommate know I’m not renewing my lease next year, so that means I get to look at a new place to live in earnest!  Sarah will likely get a new kitty to be friends with her mutant cat, Lola.  Roger and Andy continue to work on the big “P” (prelim).  And we’ve got a fancy-dress party on Saturday to go to, followed by a sushi rollin’ party on Sunday.  There’s a lot to look forward to, but I still feel sortof icky-sick.  Yuck.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/06/2005 05:06:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Photographs and Memories</b>
Listening to: "Simple Things", Dirty Vegas

Last night I went through my growing collection of notebook/journals that I kept from late highschool through college, including my water-resistant field notebook from the Malaysia trip.  That one was especially trippy--I was on anti-malarials and the little notebook was filled with brief observations that would be fleshed out later in my mandatory to-be-turned-in-for-a-grade journal.  Weird drawings that no longer have meaning, two word sentences. . . 

There's my first two years at Hiram, which are mainly filled with stressing about schoolwork--and the seed of grad school to come--and lots and lots about Dave.  And oh man do I want to shake my head at the things that I'd mention, briefly, bothering me in year one which would never be solvable and would eventually splinter the whole relationship.  But the best of it is beautiful and just love. 

There are desperate entries from my summer at Ohio State, where I was--for the first time--truly living alone, in a 1-bedroom apartment with no friends and an internship with no prior molecular biology experience.  

Then there's year 3, with the stupid Mary Beth-Jason-Dave fiasco that I should have walked out on the moment it came on the scene, and instead stuck around and pined and cried so so much.  

From there, as Blogger came on the scene, there are less notebooks, less content except the most desperate and secretive.  I just type a hell of alot faster than I can scribble, too.

I keep the notebooks partly because my sense of vanity is undeniable, and in part because it keeps me real.  I get to talk to the person I was a year, two years, three years, many more years ago.  I get to see the progress of me, and feel like maybe I've learned *something* after all this time.  And what's more: I get to remember things I didn't even know I remembered.  

The sadder part of today is that my friend's cat died, and it was sudden and unexpected.  It's funny how pets creep into your heart when you aren't looking, and then when they are gone, it just hurts in ways you never even thought it would.  :(<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/05/2005 09:55:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Alice!  

I cannot reply to your entry on creationism, Intelligent Design, etc. on your livejournal, so I'm doin' it here instead.

As a scientist who works with lots of scientists, I can tell you that we think about the topic of creationism and evolution frequently--it's lead to many a discussion during lunch.  Here's what I've gathered so far: 

Most biologists here believe strongly in evolution.  Some of those (including myself) believe that intelligent design can coexist with evolution.  I mean, evolution is a beautiful, wonderous concept that we don't fully understand yet.  

So what's wrong with teaching ID in classes?  Nothing if it were to be considered a religious theory.  What is disturbing to many of us here is when ID is presented as an EQUIVALENT theory to evolution.  Scientific research is based on the principle that nothing can ever be fully proven.  Furthermore--and this is key--theories that have no means to be disproven cannot be considered valid scientific theories.  

Is there any way to disprove that we were designed by an intelligent being/beings?  No.  Also, how do we know we were created by any particular God?  If we are required to teach that we may have been created by an intelligent being, why not a <a href="http://venganza.org/">flying spaghetti monster</a>?  Seriously.  Next time someone brings up ID, tell them you totally agree--humans were created by space aliens.  Once again, I'll reiterate that, in my gut, I believe there may be something out there that put all this in motion, but I have to be open to the fact that I can't think it's just the judeo-christian God.   

Does Intelligent Design/Creationism have any business being taught in public school? I say, it deserves a sentence or two.  Science and Religion are two SEPERATE areas that should stay that way: science tells us how, and religion tells us <i>why</i>.   And "why" is something science never tries to answer absolutely.  No one is stopping sunday schools from teaching the creation story--and to me, that's the place to elaborate on that.  No gestappo is pulling families out of their homes and telling them they can't talk to their kids about creationism.  

In fact, it still confuses the hell out of me as to why there is a continuing push to put religion in public schools if religious institutions are doing their job and being allowed to do so.  Are not our churches and synegogues and mosques the places to be discussing these things?  I think there is an absolute right to religious expression in schools.  I think if you need to wear certain clothing or pray at a certain time of day you should not be prevented from that.  But discourses about religious concepts should be clear and honest.  They are NOT the same thing as scientific theory, and they don't have to be.  

One last thing: some folks try to argue that biology is so complex that is MUST have been put in place by an intelligent being.  Some will argue that biologists can't explain everything, so obviously if the concepts are currently beyond us they must be the result of a higher intelligence.  What kind of argument is that?!  Please consider antibiotics or the rotation of the earth or the fact that it's round--these things were once beyond our comprehension, but now have passed solidly into textbook fact.  

I'm done a-venting!  It's not AT you, though Alice--you just sparked my need to express my perspective.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/28/2005 03:20:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>It’s rainy outside, ok?</b>

Once again, Freewill Astrology makes me think a little bit in an appropriate way.  My horoscope for this week: 

Donald Hall wrote a poem in which two men are talking. One says, "I was a fool three years ago." The other replies, "One is always a fool three years ago." I bring this to your attention, Leo, because it's a perfect moment to take a good long look at the ignorance and naiveté that clung to you in the latter half of 2002. The time is also ripe to make sure that you have corrected your erroneous ideas and cleaned up the karma that resulted from them. To do so will bring you uncanny satisfaction.  

Where was I in the 2nd half of 2002?  Coming back from a magical internship in Hawaii, getting ready to enter into the last year of undergrad (2002-2003), applying to grad schools, absolutely certain PhD was the way to go.  The “big stuff” as I saw it, though, was that I got engaged.  It was a busy, giddy time.  I spent huge amounts of time watching that pretty little ring sparkle.  I remember shopping for it with Dave—absolutely stressful because we were young and not rich, and what I really wanted was a ring with both our birthstones in it, and nobody would easily facilitate that.  That, and I’m a “make several shopping trips and then decide” kind of girl, and Dave is a “make one directed trip” kind of guy.  I ended up spotting this delicate band with 3 diamonds in it, and man I thought all my life I didn’t care much for diamonds but they sparkle a lot.  And for a girl, yeah, it means a lot more than sparkle.  And it did.  

The 2nd half followed a really hellish set of months that anyone near me in undergrad has already heard about <i>ad nauseum</i> and these days doesn’t seem nearly so bad as I remember it feeling.  I feel like I learned a lot then, and then unlearned it while I was away in Hawaii.  But I don’t know if that’s a fair statement.  Getting engaged to Dave felt absolutely right at the time.  Love is crazy.  But after all the excitement of getting engaged and doing all the traditional things, the long haul of a long engagement would eventually wear heavily on us both, and the fact that we were very different people became increasingly clear.  

So, the freewill astrology guy wants me to think about what I’ve learned.  So here are my lessons: 

1.  Distance and anger are healthy things in the breakup process.  There will always be time to be friends again, and a better chance of it if you get to vent beforehand.  Get out of town, drop below radar, change your name, whatever.  Extraction is key.    
2.  Curiosity killed my cat five million times.  Avoid sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong or obsessing about things and people who are no longer your problem.  You are still allowed to care, though.
3.  Love is different every time.
4.  It is actually very important to be similar in some ways.  There are very few if any “extra points” in life for tolerating people, and usually they don’t want your toleratin’
5.  Beware falling in love with being in love.  
On a happier note: Alice commands we all name 10 things we are grateful for.  I’m going to stick to five because otherwise I’ll never get things done.  

1.  I am grateful to be living in Madison, where I get to be in a bigger city but still be unafraid to take a walk at night.
2.  I am grateful that mom made me take ballet, encouraged me to do speech and drama and band.  Though it will always make me nervous, I can gives speeches in front of large groups of people, and do it well.  And yeah, mom was right, ballet taught me poise and grace.
3.  I am grateful to have landed this incredibly handsome guy who is just as much of a geek as I am, loves sushi and dancing, IS one of my best friends, and does not think I’m too loopy.   Just loopy enough.
4.  I am greatful for my friends here in Madison, and in the greater world at large.  They love me and support me even when I flake out and don’t e-mail or call.  Friends because of kindred spirits instead of fulfilled obligations.
5.  I am grateful my parents traveled and loved and lived long before they had us, because we have gotten to benefit from parents that are happy with their lives and have true wisdom to share.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/25/2005 04:53:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Things get better</b>

Well, last week was sortof rough.  Not in any true-crisis way, but I felt moody and sad and then whatever hit me hit me extra hard because I wasn't feeling on my tip-toes of balance.  

I feel better now, and that's a good thing indeed.  I think some of it was just hormones, and that's passed.  Also, I have good friends and good family to fall back on when I need them, and that helps tremendously.  So, in conclusion, hurrah!

In the arts and entertainment section of my life: went out with Andy last night, since we both agreed we hadn't gone out on a true date in awhile (busy busy bees we are!).  For the movie portion of the evening, we went to see "<a href="http://www.paramountclassics.com/madhot/index.html">Mad Hot Ballroom</a>" which was just plain wonderful and enjoyable, even though some of those kids would really put me to shame on the dance floor (Check out Wilson/Eslamelys Competing the Rumba in the Trailers section.  Also, <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/greysanatomy/">Grey's Anatomy</a> is starting back up this sunday on ABC, and that's an excellent show, friends and neighbors.  I'm nearing the end of "Wizard and Glass" in the Gunslinger/Darktower series and man I cried and am now very creeped out all over again.  I love it.  Finally I HAVE TICKETS TO SEE THE MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF <a href="http://serenitymovie.com/trailer.html">SERENITY</a>!!!! HUZZAH!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/18/2005 11:17:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>If I've learned one thing in life, it's this:</b>

Mom is always right.  Absolutely always.  Dad is darn smart, but Mom always knows best.  

Egads, I spent so many years thinking she was stupid and fluffy and emotional.  But whenever things got hard and complicated, she knew the right thing to do, and the right advice to give.  Do I get to have this talent some day?  God I hope so.  For now, I've got mom's voice inside my head every day.  

<i>Life wasn't meant to be fair, Amber.

Who can you control in this situation, Amber?  Only yourself.

You need to confront the situation--I never let things go until I do--and then, once you have, you move on.  

You have ALWAYS cared too much, Amber.</i> 

Lately, things haven't been as hunky dory as usual.  In the grand scheme of things, has it been that bad?  Nahh.  It's bad in my tiny little snowglobe world.  I have many many things to be happy about.  It's just lately I've felt like people are upset with me for reasons that I can't agree with.  Sometimes I feel like, by being nice initially, I end up screwing myself over in the long run because people expect that kindness to last forever, regardless of how they use it.  

I grew up thinking--and likely learning--that if you are kind and honest to people, you will be a good person and will reap happiness.  In miniature, I used to think that all you needed to do to be a girlfriend and happy in love was to be easygoing and understanding, and crap that didn't really garauntee anything.  I got a bit shat upon, and made it through "once bitten, twice shy" style.  

Truth is, to be that good person who always does right. . .you'd be a martyr.  And if you avoid matyrdom, well, people get upset.  And god have I tried to avoid upsetting anyone, and that's impossible.  Am I right to act the way I do?  I don't think there's a good answer.  There's no right answer.  That's life, apparently.  It makes me sad sometimes.  After all those years being shut out of social circles because I was weird and used big words, I thought that I would never find myself on the other side.  I never thought I'd be the monster, or the enemy I always I despised.  I never thought I'd be a snob, or a prep, or whatever the hell I used to call them.  And I've been troubled recently by that thought.  

Number one, were they really that bad?  

Number two, am I being like them, or am I getting pushed into that category by others?  

I begin to wonder how much pushing I did when I was younger.  How often I wasn't happy with myself, and blamed it on preppies and their endless clothes and boys and coolness.  

Coming here, for the first time in my life I have felt truly cool and looked up to.  And it's been great, giddying, and scary and lonely all at the same time.  There will always be people who aren't ready to be comfortable in their skins, there will always be more people in my life than I have time to be close friends with--I'm really crappy at maintaining huge hordes of friends, and kindof can't relax for long in those situations anyway.  

So, I've got to do what mom says.  And that's to take care of me, and be kind and carry on like it doesn't bug me when people label me or talk behind my back.  I can't control that--well, at least until I hone my mind control powers.  I'm sorry for whatever stupid, negligent bumblings I cause result in hurt.  But I can't be responsible for everyone else.  It's too damn tiring.  

After all this rambling. . . all I want to say is that I love my mom, and talking to her brings me so much damn strength.  I hope that everyone has someone like that in their lives.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/13/2005 05:32:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b><a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0258100/">Run, Ronnie, Run</a></b>

Damn, what an excellent movie--it was never released in theatres, but despite that, it's downright hilarious and full of cameos (and not lame ones).  Also, it reminded me about my irrepressable nerd crush for Jeff Goldblum.  

[Ronnie attends a religious cult meeting with Jeff Goldblum]
Cult Leader Gleh'n: What does Jeff Goldblum want?
Jeff Goldblum: I want my money back. And I want angels to give it to me. And pixies to count it out, and a gnome or a hobbit or an elf to sleep at the foot of my bed, and have - I just want them all over my backyard. But no matter what happens with any of that, I DO want my money back.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/09/2005 11:44:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Cultural Exchange</b>

1.  Hosting Bonnie Bassler went wonderfully.  She was so energetic, but so damn sharp.  I now know someone who is both a McArthur Fellow and a Howard Hughes Investigator.  Dear Lord!  I continue to collect heroes in my field.  

2.  I have two pieces of fun to share, and you may have encountered both, but what is the internet for?

http://server5.theimagehosting.com/image.php?img=alphabet.jpg 
(It's from the daily show!)

http://www.venganza.org/index.htm
(FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER INTELLIGENT DESIGN)

Happy Friday!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/07/2005 02:38:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Another turn of the wheel</b>

Oh man, it’s like a play on “The Wheel of Time” series and a reference to “the wheel of ka” in “The Gunslinger” series.  Or maybe a CCR song. . . .errr.  

So school has started again.  I’m sitting at the beginning of the 3rd year of graduate school.  Sitting in the class I’m TAing (which I already took during year 1) I realize I’m learned a lot.  My vocabulary has changed, and the way I think has too.  That felt good.  But when I sit trying to decide where to go with my research and prelims and such, oh do I feel so undisciplined and frankly a bit lost.  I’m told this is normal.  I read lots of PhDcomics.com and see it is true.  The emotional journey into madness which is Grad School continues.  Vague enough? Melodramatic enough?  

Life is really, really good in many ways, mainly along the friendship and dating categories.  Drama lies elsewhere, and I’m really thankful that part of being a grad student is learning to worry less and do more, so even though I do worry about all this crap, it’s in a zen way were I just work through it.  

School has started and brought with it a wave of new college students, and doesn’t that make you feel another year older?  Oh man, I feel more settled and stodgy.  But the beginning of the school year seems to have taken me by surprise, maybe since I don’t have any classes to take—just TAing.  Mom has been telling everyone I’ve started working on my prelims, which simply isn’t true and gives me a squelchy feeling in my stomach to even think it.  

Final, actual bit of news: Tomorrow the student-invited speaker committee is hosting Dr. Bonnie Bassler, who is a total lady rock-star scientist—and I’m on point for this visit (aka, I’ve done all the scheduling and have to introduce her for the seminar she will give).  I’m very excited to work with the fruition of all the labor to get people meeting times with her, and awaiting some fiasco that inevitably happens, even though we’ll deal with it beautifully.  It will all be fine, but I’ll be happiest when it’s done and my responsibilities will drop off a bit in the administrative category.  I want to get some science going!

Other nice thing is perhaps a big house party at Petra’s this Saturday to welcome all the new first-year students to the program.  It promises to be huge, drunken, and memorable.  And if not, it will at least be a Saturday.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/25/2005 10:05:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I hate making myself not procrastinate</b>

It's really really boring, but at the same time: hopefully not nearly as stressful and with a better endproduct.  I'm working on my poster for the Kenneth G. Raper Symposium (Microbiology Meetin') and it's just really boring to do.  Not because my project isn't exciting, because to me it damn well better be, but because with every word I type I think of fifteen other things I should mention but don't have room or things I don't know and should try to know before Monday. . . . it's hard to shut off the internal editor and just WRITE.  And technical writing can be so much harder sometimes, because you have to be so very careful how you word things. . . . 

What makes it hardest is that classes are starting soon and the weather is PERFECT (cool but not cold, crispish).  And I want to go hang out with my friends and walk with my guy and be happy and non-stressed.  But I take those things for granted if I don't have SOME stress.  So here I am, really wanting to make this more fun.  But you have to be careful to edit out the swear-words later on. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/23/2005 10:42:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Two solid-gold truths</b>

1.  It really sucks when you're very tired but you don't want to go to sleep because that would mean it would be tomorrow that much sooner.  And tomorrow isn't so much bad as it just means more work.

2.  Lots of people are acting sortof crazy right now, and there are times when I think "why is everyone acting so crazy?" and then I realize that if it's good people act this way sometimes, because it makes me feel less crazy, and gives me something to laugh and gossip about in a totally non-constructive manner.

P.S. I love my Alice!  I don't know if anyone else reads this but her, but I don't care.  Well, not that much at least. . ..<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/22/2005 12:44:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Amber Tour 2005 Debriefing</b>

Well folks, I made it through 2 weeks of flying around and vacationing, which was mostly an easy and fun thing even if I tend to make it sound like some arduous journey.  Let’s recap, shall we?  

Trip 1: Visit my family in Wheeling, WV and attend family reunion

Visiting the family was great fun.  We have a cute cute new kitten named either Cleopatra or Cleocatra or some craziness like that.  She’s a black farm kitty that likes to climb curtains, and fluctuates between completely awake for five minutes and then passed out in your lap the next five minutes.  Oh yeah, and hanging out with my brother and sister was fun too.  Actually, I think that was the best part, since I don’t really correspond with them much, and yet they are the ones most likely to get along with me.  I could go on and on about siblings and bonding and such, but that’s tired material.  My sister has grown into this absolutely gorgeous and talented woman, grabbing one of the lead roles in her first musical, and that took some adjusting on my part.  Always, I will remember her as the 2 year old who used to dance with the plastic owl we kept in our yard (they were about the same height then).  

The family reunion was O.K.  Honestly, it was nice to see that side of the family, but I felt like some sort of weirdo for being in my mid-twenties, unmarried and without children and still in school.  And it’s not that I’m sad about my state in life—really quite the opposite—but I wasn’t prepared to feel like the odd person out because of it.  In Madison, if I were any of those things now it wouldn’t be weird, but it wouldn’t be the norm.  Culture shock, man.  That, and I got asked if I was still getting married, which I wasn’t.  I hate having to drag out the “irreconcilable differences” monologue, especially when I thought I was done giving it.  That’s the price of getting engaged—your relationship is no longer just your business and everyone has some right to drag it back out in the open.  

Trip 2: Visit Andy’s family in Binghampton, NY

Oddly enough, this was more a vacation in some ways than visiting the folks in WV.  Mainly because I was new to everything except Andy, and upstate New York is really beautiful and we stayed at his parents’ cottage on a lake.  Breakfasts on the porch and late night canoe rides and hikes.  Andy’s parents were lovely and seemed to approve of me (yay!), but still we escaped to Niagra Falls for a little bit.  I had never been to see the falls, and had never been on a road trip with Andy, so it was an adventure.  We drove up, visited the falls and the casinos, and the next day we drove home.  Did you know they light up the falls at night?  We stayed on the Canada side, and had a very <i>special</i> lady at the front desk who was likely getting kickbacks from Niagra on the Lake (some nice park you can stroll about) because she spent a good long time telling Andy how romantic it was and how much I would like it while I was standing right there.  She also asked us if we were on our honeymoon.  She also talked without a Canadian accent the day we met her, and then the next day she was all “A-boot” and “-aye.”  It was all very special. 

All in all, the second trip was longer and more relaxing—certainly a hot tub on the premises didn’t hurt.  There was a lot of nervousness on my part, since I was meeting pretty much everyone for the first time, and I wanted to make good impressions. . . ehh, you know what I’m saying.  And everyone was on their good behavior, so I didn’t leave with many good stories about meeting the more eccentric members of his family (oh well).  It was all very lovely, and I was really thankful to spend time with someone I care about while well-rested.  

Now I’m back in Madison, and I missed it in so many ways.  Mainly being able to drive myself around places and having almost ubiquitous internet access, combined with all the friends I missed having around.  And I’m not sick of spending time with Andy, so that’s a bonus.  The only downside is now it’s BACK TO WORK, and with a vengeance given the school year is now so close.  Here we go!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/22/2005 12:43:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/640/IMG_0164-2005.08.21-22.43.29.jpg'><img border='0' style='border:1px solid #000000; margin:2px' src='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/320/IMG_0164-2005.08.21-22.43.29.jpg'></a><br />Requisite cute picture . . . &nbsp;<a href='http://picasa.google.com/' target='ext'><img src='http://photos1.blogger.com/pbp.gif' alt='Posted by Picasa' border='0' style='border:0px;padding:0px;background:transparent;' align='absmiddle'></a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/22/2005 12:35:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/640/P8030016-2005.08.21-22.35.19.jpg'><img border='0' style='border:1px solid #000000; margin:2px' src='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/320/P8030016-2005.08.21-22.35.19.jpg'></a><br />Brother Don sometimes has trouble with tortilla chips . . . &nbsp;<a href='http://picasa.google.com/' target='ext'><img src='http://photos1.blogger.com/pbp.gif' alt='Posted by Picasa' border='0' style='border:0px;padding:0px;background:transparent;' align='absmiddle'></a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/22/2005 12:34:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/640/P8030012-2005.08.21-22.34.15.jpg'><img border='0' style='border:1px solid #000000; margin:2px' src='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/320/P8030012-2005.08.21-22.34.15.jpg'></a><br />Cleopatra the kitten snoozing with Bitty the Big Kitty&nbsp;<a href='http://picasa.google.com/' target='ext'><img src='http://photos1.blogger.com/pbp.gif' alt='Posted by Picasa' border='0' style='border:0px;padding:0px;background:transparent;' align='absmiddle'></a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/21/2005 06:22:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>I'm trying to get this photo-publisher thing to work!!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/21/2005 06:21:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/640/IMG_0163-2005.08.21-16.21.24.jpg'><img border='0' style='border:1px solid #000000; margin:2px' src='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/320/IMG_0163-2005.08.21-16.21.24.jpg'></a><br />Squiggy's!&nbsp;<a href='http://picasa.google.com/' target='ext'><img src='http://photos1.blogger.com/pbp.gif' alt='Posted by Picasa' border='0' style='border:0px;padding:0px;background:transparent;' align='absmiddle'></a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/21/2005 06:21:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/640/mmisocialaug1-2005.08.21-16.21.00.jpg'><img border='0' style='border:1px solid #000000; margin:2px' src='https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/hello/2243248/320/mmisocialaug1-2005.08.21-16.21.00.jpg'></a><br />Sarah!&nbsp;<a href='http://picasa.google.com/' target='ext'><img src='http://photos1.blogger.com/pbp.gif' alt='Posted by Picasa' border='0' style='border:0px;padding:0px;background:transparent;' align='absmiddle'></a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/27/2005 12:58:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Another Should-be-in-bed-sleeping post</b>

It's somehow harder to sleep with only me here at the moment.  Sharon is off in the West Coast attending a virology conference, and hopefully having a decent time.

Oh dear kiddies, it's almost time for my birthday!  I have to say I feel like I've brought up that fact five million times this week, but hopefully not to the full extent of annoying that I could be capable of.  So far, my plans include starting the festivities on Saturday with some bar-visiting, with the eventual destination being the Nitty Gritty for my special birthday mug.  

I'm also getting to the point where I need to get things settled so that I can go home next week for a family reunion/hang out with immediate family.  It should be a great deal of fun, although my entire trip appears to be already scheduled.  Then back home I go for about 2.5 days, and then off with Andy to NY.  I'm very curious to see how this all goes, because I've never done air travel with a boyfriend, and I've only met his parents soo very briefly.  It will be an adventure, and also my 2nd vacation.

Lab activities are looking up.  Yeah, I have those days where I want to just cry because I feel I'm so behind and unpractical and burdensome, but today I felt like I accomplished things.  I even went and donated blood at the Red Cross.  Let me tell you, if you think you're living life a little to crazily, just go donate blood and answer their questions about trading sexual favors for money or goods, or sexual interactions with someone who lived in, or continues to live in, the continent of Africa.  Also it's apparently a great place to meet middle-aged Real estate agents who double as Mormon ministers, and their brothers.  People are very talkative over in the snacks area they shoo you into so that you don't walk outside and pass out.  Enjoy the AB- blood, Red Cross!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/15/2005 12:31:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Grand Arrival of Lappy 2005, the final days of Baby's First Laptop</b>

Yet ANOTHER week has flown by (3 weeks till I begin the 2005 Amber-in-you-hometown Tour).  

My new lovely laptop arrived today!  It's really rather huge, what with the 15.4" screen, but so very very easy on the eyes.  Without compsci folk around, it was a bit unnerving at first, handling such an expensive toy and being not quite sure how to coax it into awake-ness.  There are times I think I've learned alot, and have become quite knowledgable in one discipline, and then I try to read Dell's online helpdesk shit, and I realize I know oh-so-very little when it comes to computerese.  Alot of it seemed to involve getting the computer afraid of you, but I love my laptop.

So, this new arrival has meant gathering together all the old files (aka Hiram stuff) together for saving or tossing into the ol' recyling bin.  "What's left to save?" you might ask.  Oh, lots of stuff.  Mainly e-mails and AIM conversations, with a sprinkling of creative writing stuff (aka bad college poetry).  I stayed up waaay too late last night reading through them, piecing together relationships of all kinds.  It's hard to view Hiram like this, as four years condensed into a couple word documents and folders, when it seems like such a huge block of my young adult life.  Argh, this is all cliche.  It's just getting to be far enough back in my memory that I almost think I dreamed most of it.  But here I've got writings and pictures to prove it.  There are parts of undergrad life I wish I could live all over again, and there's parts I'm glad I don't live anymore.  That's nothing unique, but it still aches that way.  So, to get this out of my system, I'm just going to post one of the last Hiram entries, and if this sort of things bores you horribly you can just stop reading now, ok?

<i>Looking out the window onto campus, I was thinking about our last quantum realities class.  We had talked about trying to go back in time, and how time only flows one way typically because in order to reverse time you would have to recreate every event perfectly, from the placement of a nearby leaf to the thoughts in your head.  To go back in time you would have to erase the memory and relive it.  

Time and memory . . . that seems to be the theme of the senior week.  My horoscope for this week had told me that it would be a time of Kairos—time outside of the everyday time (called Chronos).  I can believe it.  It’s one of those times in your life where you break off yourself and pick it up to move somewhere else.  

Time can be reversed, but it is almost impossible, and highly improbable.  There have been many times this week where I wished I could go back to some moments and just sit with them for awhile.  I’ve taken my walk around campus to get photographs.  It kindof turned into a series of pictures of benches—Sam joked I should make it into a coffee table book about the benches of Hiram.  I have the bench where Andy Walker gave me a four-leaf clover freshman year, and explained precisely how you have to look at the world to find them.  I have the swing in the library garden where Eva, Dave, Sam and I took turns swinging, our feet flying over the sapling that is now too tall to miss.  I have the B-side, where I dreamed up weird pictures and poems, sat with Sam and discussed the franker aspects of life right along with the philosophical.  I have the bench in front of Henry where Marianna used to smoke, where Allison used to sit, where a million people waited for a million things.  And I have the little Bacchus bench between the Frohring buildings, where I perched waiting for Dave to open the box and show me the ring.  I have them all, in photographs and mind.  

A million memories.  I’ve looked at the Hinsdale Arch a million times.  Four solid years of life at Hiram don’t let you leave easily.  There are so many people I wanted to spend more time with.  Sometimes I want to turn back time so I can.  I usually only by chance got to know anyone well, and if only I could expand those pockets of time, oh how I would.  Even last year.  Even that.  

The irony of life is that our memories are never as valuable to anyone outside ourselves, and we have so many of them.

Sam left for home today.  After finally hunting down the RA and getting the room checked out, it was time to go.  Before he could get the chance to say otherwise, I ran up and hugged him.  I don’t recall if I’ve ever hugged Sam before, but if anyone deserves a hug, it’s him.  He’s saved my sanity many times over, and unarguably been my best friend ever.  I mean a friend who was always just that, and without any contact but words finding comfort in one another.  I’m so glad I’m not losing both of them, but one is hard enough.      

Dave shook his hand, and we wished him well, and Dave and I stood arm and arm as he closed the door to the room, and was gone.  I wonder what we looked like to him.  Filter was playing “Take my Picture” in the backround, somewhere down the hall.  

Do you wanna take my picture?
cause I won’t remember. . . 

He left, and we just stood there unbelieving.  And that was it.  We cried.  
</i>

Thanks for indulging my sappy nostalgia.  I'm really so very very happy with where I am now, and it's not that I want to go back--nor could I--it's just sometimes it almost hurts, remembering how important it all was.  

Ok! time to go to bed!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/11/2005 09:54:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>New Toys, Old Toys</b>

Oh man, give me any excuse to buy myself presents and off I go!

The ol' birthday is coming up soon.  I'll be 24 like all my friends!  Next year will be the 25th, and that will be interesting, sure.  Five years left until 30. . . 

Anyway, given that I've had the same laptop serve me faithfully for 6 years, and after months of my watching the Dell outlet for exactly the somewhat-new laptop I wanted, I finally snagged my dream lappy 2005.  Not really all sexed up, but shiny and upgraded enough for me to be proud of it.  I'm getting an Inspiron 6000, and boy-oh-boy it has an upgraded video card and monitor and wireless network card and battery life and processor and memory and RAM and and and. . . 

Ok, so I'm no computer expert, but I was happy with my choice.  Could I have gotten it for cheaper?  Yes, but it would have been more expensive to buy new with the University discount, so I could've done worse.  

Old toys?  I'm getting obsessed (along with my friends) with <a href="neopets.com">Neopets</a>, again.  Back in 2002 when I was in Hawaii for my internship, Neopets was sometimes my only friend.  Now, it's just good mindless fun.  Right now I'm Amberdamberawesome and my pet is fluffernutterbetter

I don't care much for names with numbers, if I can help it.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/05/2005 01:43:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>You know your weekend was too busy when you look forward to a normal workday</b>

Oh jesus, I should just go to sleep, but I figure by this point ten more minutes can't hurt much.  

It wasn't a BAD weekend.  I mean, Friday came swiftly and I happily performed designated driver duties for Roger, Andy, and Eric.  My only drink for the night was a Belgian beer called "Red Satan."  It was tasty in the special way Belgian beers seem to be--slightly fruity underneath.  I also learned that a Blind Russian is like a White Russian, only you use cream liqueur instead of cream.  Also, Madison's "Rhythm and Booms" firework display on Saturday--Sarah and I bought tasty picnic snacks and watched it from Observatory Hill.  I continue to love Madison and its well-behaved crowds.  

It wasn't a bad weekend, it was just crazy.  I was weekend squidmeister (takin' care of the lab's squid) and my brilliant idea was to also collect squid that weekend for experiments since nobody else wanted any and it was supposed to be a big hatch coming up.  The combination of the two tasks resulted in me getting there around 10:30AM each day and staying until 4PM.  Now, it's not really that bad on paper, but I'm talking non-stop-can't-fuck-up time.  Exhausting.  And it's supposed to be my weekend, but I couldn't get very good sleep.  BLARGH.  

Well, I worked hard this evening, till' 1AM on misc. things that needed done, and now I'm really sleepy and should go to bed.  Hopefully "LAND OF THE DEAD" is in my future this week, because all the reviews are awesome and I need a zombie flick badly.  

Last thing: it being the 4th was rather depressing.  Part of it is getting older, I know, but part of it is that weird things are happening our nation, and I don't like most of them.  

SLEEP NOW RARRRRR!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/01/2005 12:03:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>One of my least favorite recurring dreams is. . . </b>

The one where my teeth start to fall out.  Sometimes in dreamland there is no reason they fall out.  Last night I dreamt that I had cavities and they were so bad--and I hadn't noticed--that my teeth just broke off and fell out.  I've read that lots of people have the tooth loss dream, and it's something about stressing over little details, not having control, etc.  It was soo good wake up in the morning and realize my teeth were all there.  Probably do have some cavities though. . . 

Time is flying by, and I continue to learn, fuck up, learn some more.  More and more people in the lab ask me questions about things, and I even had a lovely smart idea in lab meeting that just came to me and I uttered it before I could edit myself.  It reminds me of trying to play trivial pursuit: I always did better when I just blurted out the first answer that came to mind.  It wasn't always right, but it was right more often than when I sat and thought about it. I'll have to try that more.  

But back to the teeth dream.  I still remember what it feels like to have a loose tooth, the way it itches and cuts like dull glass and you want to leave it alone but you keep clacking it with your other teeth and wiggling it with your tongue.  Are you ever suprised when you smell something or hear something or feel something and it reminds you that you have a memory you never even knew you kept?  I wonder about all the things I think I've forgotten that sit, acessible, in the dustier portion of my brain.  

Oh well, I should now go to sleep, since it's the 4th o' July weekend and I've got plenty of work tomorrow, and laundry to do sometime. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/27/2005 11:01:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Amber's Parents Visit Madison (in brief)</b>

Oh man, it would take forever to actually cover all that went on last week with mom and dad coming to visit.  Summing it all up, they loved how much more progressive and intellectual Madison is compared to home, loved meeting my friends, really liked Andy, enjoyed spending mornings on my porch while I snoozed on the couch.  "Do you realize how hard it is not to just reach over and hug you when I see you asleep there?" Mom would say.  

It didn't quite hit me until they dropped me off at work and headed back home how much I missed having them around, before and already again.  I get to see where so many parts of me come from: the way I laugh, the way I pun, the way my cheekbones ride high on my face like my mother's, and how speckled my skin gets in the summers like dad's.  

More than that, when you're a kid you can't like your parents that much.  You think they're so dumb and old-fashioned and uncool.  And it's good that you think that at the time, because otherwise why would you ever want to leave?  After two years of dealing with all sorts of adults, finding the things I love in some and the things that drive me batshit insane in others, I get to see how cool and relaxed my parents can be.  I am so very, very lucky.  

Now it's back to work, and holy hell is it working time.  As the summer bumbles on, I fight off the pangs of freakout concerning fall and prelims and student seminar by channeling it into working harder.  More and more I have to put the blinders on and just focus on getting work done and not freaking out with how little data I actually have.  Still, it's really scary some nights, when I try to drift off to sleep and all I can think is how lame my student seminar will be.  How far all my friends will have gotten with their projects and I'll still be hammering away on a hope and a dream of a project.  Head + wall: repeat.  

From here on out, it's work, work, work until August, when I'll head back to: 
1) Visit my family and attend a big family reunion outside of Columbus, OH.
2) Come home for a day or two
3)Hop on another plane and fly out with Andy to visit his family in upstate New York.  This is kindof my "real" vacation in that it will be a new place and I think there will be alot of fun dinners and lakes and such.  I only met Andy's parents briefly last year, so I'm looking forward to re-meeting them.  

4) Come back home and prepare for another school year.  I still have to T.A., and likely petition to do my prelim in the early spring (yay X-mas break craziness!)

Now I'm going to go make myself shower(boring) and read comic books and finish The Wastelands (not boring!)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/13/2005 12:55:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Full weekend coverage?</b>

Naaaah.  I'm giving you the quick highlights because I'm too awake still and I should go to bed soon.  

Friday evening there was a HUGE hailstorm, but I keep dreaming of tornadoes.  Friday night was dancing at the Cardinal with that boy I like, two drinks for me--redbull&vodka and sevenup&spiced rum--since I wasn't the one driving.  After much spinny hustling and smooth westcoastswing-ing, we got our hands stamped and went over to The Great Dane, where Roger was situated with friends in the basement pub.  There I mooched some of Andy's delicious watermelon beer (The Dane is a microbrewery and this is one of their especially tasty brews), and shared red-headed sluts (shots).  Then it was back to the Cardinal, where 80's night has switched over to some crazy techno, but they played "Groove is in the Heart" and I thought of Chewie, who used to sing a bit of that in Jiu Jitsu.  We decided to leave though around the time the creepy guy dancing behind me didn't go away if Andy and I switched places.  I think he was an equal-opportunity creepydancer, and while I applaud his opportunistic determination, HANDS OFF MAN!!

Needless to say, though, but the end of this evening I was thoroughly sauced, which was good fun indeed.  

Saturday morning involved the always wonderful lazy wake-up, cut short by mom calling to tell me that she and Dad would be coming up to visit the following weekend, as we had originally planned.  Dad's teaching science camp all this week, so they'll have to leave at noon on Friday, which means they'll miss the Farmer's Market on Saturday :(  

I think Andy got to overhear the part where Mom told me that it was good Andy would be in town that weekend, because "Your Father would really like to meet him."

It made him sound like he would be arriving with shotgun and lots of questions about intentions, but in all actuality Dad has never been the stereotypical dad when it came to my boyfriends, for which I am imminently thankful.  I'm excited to have both mom and dad come to visit, and since Dad hasn't been to Madison since I originally moved in, I'm really looking forward to having him meet all my friends and see where I work and continually drag him away from too much chatting with strangers.  

But I'm severely digressing.  

Ate sushi on the terrace with Andy, Sarah, and Sharon, followed by icecream at the Chocolate Shopped on State Street.  Andy and I got home late but sat out by the fountain and talked till 3AM.  Did you ever notice how much easier it can be to talk forever and ever in the dark?  Doesn't it always seem so much more deep and effortless?  When I finally got to bed, curled up and cozy, I dreamt indeed.  

Sunday?  Slept in alot, and eventually got my act together and went into lab, where I found I had many many bacterial colonies on my plates (which is really good hopefully).  Went over to Sarah's and injured myself with the weedwhacker without even turning it on: I pulled the cord to start the motor, and pulled the first knuckle of my index finger quickly over a sharp metal edge, resulting in a bleeding flap of skin that didn't hurt much more than my pride.  But damnit if yardwork isn't becoming extremely appealing as I get older.  I would be unnerved by this, except it is so redeeming to go out for an hour and do some visible good in the yard after spending a week in lab with no tangible results whatsoever.  

So here we are, Sunday night/Monday morning.  I need to clean the apartment, and prepare myself for the whole parent-visit-meet-the-boyfriend-for-the-first-time-continue-to-be-a-good-gradstudent-thing.  It'll all be wonderful, I'm pretty sure.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/08/2005 08:36:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Shout-outs</b>

Oh, how very much it needs to rain here.  I feel wrong to complain about the warmness outside, but you can feel how much the rain is begging to happen, you know?  And all these severe thunderstorm promises taken away every afternoon. . .bah.  

The thing I need to blurt out right now is that I feel like my project isn't going anywhere.  On one hand, I'm wrong about that.  I've got 4-6 new mutants on the way to play with if I succeed in my current mutagenesis endeavors.  Squid are beginning to hatch again and if I get my balls on straight I'll learn how to look at them on the microscope.  And I'm doing a fun, easy biofilm assay in fresh new test tubes to see if I can stain the bacteria that stick to it purple.  

On the other hand, it's been a full year that I've been doing research here, and I STILL don't have anything worth putting in an abstract, let alone to present for student seminar this acedemic year.  Something.  I need something.  The undergrads in Margarets lab all have more data than I do, after a few months.  

Ok, I go through this in cycles, where I freak out and then I funnel that freak-out energy into making myself try something new.  Every time it gets a little better, but the lows are still DAMN low on my emotional barometer.  

So, the reasoning behind my title choice this time round' is 
1)My brother changed weblot sites, and made the mistake of telling me so, so hopefully I've adjusted his link accordingly.
2)Even though I'm thoroughly done with the "scene" of kids Ben used to hang out with (in the end, I always just felt old and cranky, and waaaaay too country and not nearly enough emo), I still keep up with one of his <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/innocenteexpres/">friend's journals </a>because, well hell, I like the way she writes and I know just enough about her world to keep it familiar, but I didn't know her well enough to feel creepy doing so.  She's waaaay hipper than I'll ever be, and there's no way to say any more that doesn't sound either jealous or condescending--neither of which are effects I'm going for.  Maybe give it a look if you like.  

Ok! it's biofilm time!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/06/2005 12:55:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Guess what's in my fridge?</b>

<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:6SblvpOdZaQJ:www.goldencountry.com/GoldenOcean/catalog_g/tn_G236274_psd.jpg" />

at least, right now it's a slab of milky green liquid that should become a 'delightful' dessert upon setting.  We'll see now won't we?  

I kindof played hooky from lab all weekend, and it felt right lovely.  Part of the reason was that we finally hit humid mid-eighties here in Madison, and it always takes me a set of days to adjust to being functional in such humidity and heat.  It always makes me think of Faulkner's "Light in August" where all the women in the town take several baths a day to keep from melting like teacakes.  I'm not sure how that would work, but it's always what I think of when it's hot and humid and I feel like melting.  

What were my big accomplishments for the weekend?  Well, first MY CAR IS ALL BETTER.  It was fixed, complete with new fenders and hood, and now it somehow looks even prettier than before it got crunched.  I really missed my lil' hoopty.  

Secondly, I spent several hours shopping all by myself, which I really enjoyed.  I kept looking at my watch and realizing: hey, the store isn't going to close anytime soon, you've already eaten, and nobody is going to want to do anything for awhile.  It was during my rummaging through the racks of the petite section of JCPenneys (hey, I may be on the tall and curvy end of petite, but everything there always fits much, much better) that I realized how much I enjoy lone shopping.  This is not to say that I do not enjoy shopping with friends, boyfriends, or my mother (the original awesome shopper), just to say that doing something on your own, without worrying about being on time for something or boring someone else, can be really very nice.  

So now I have a shiny like-new car and an assortment of jean skirts and capri pants so that I can be more air-conditioned when things get this sultry.  

I'm also excited to be getting on to reading "The Wasteland" by Stephen King.  3rd book in the series and I'm officially hooked.  Man, when King gets on a roll, he just kicks butt so hard I want to fall over.  

So I'm going to go read, and hopefully not stay up tooo late! Nighty night!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/31/2005 08:34:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Copying Alice and Killin' Time</b>


Type the answer to each question into a google image search, and paste the first one you see.

1. The age you will be on your next birthday.
<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:U56dPLg_kZcJ:images-jp.amazon.com/images/P/B0002U8NOI.09.LZZZZZZZ.jpg"/>

2. Your favourite food.
<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:_wsVLTzEXzkJ:www.dynamism.com/sushidisk/newMED.jpg"/>

3. Your favourite color.
<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:Jny3vIzzfW8J:www.negems.com/gallery/gems4/images/aquamarine.jpg"/>

4. A bad habit of yours. (daydreaming)
<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:-VN0br4nzTQJ:www.sccoe.org/depts/scrop/images/Daydreaming%2520Girl.jpg"/>

5. Your favourite fruit or vegetable.
<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:gBHEMGJqIiMJ:www.wegmans.com/kitchen/ingredients/produce/fruit/images/honeydew.jpg"/>

6. Your favourite animal.
<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:NlFB6AeCoTwJ:web.wistv.com/gallery/albums/userpics/zoe.jpg"/>

7. The last name of your kindergarten teacher (Kanuth).
<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:v275_pBe9p0J:sahs.utmb.edu/cls/images/faculty/mskanuth.jpg"/>
(that isn't her)

8. The name of a pet. (Skeletor)
<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:nufKcSa9_UsJ:www.beltzner.ca/ifeelafel/archives/2004/07/24/skeletor.jpg"/>

9. Your favourite band. (Cake, sortof)
<img src="http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:LT40RLm61sMJ:www.explodingdog.com/dumbpict51/lovecake.gif"/><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/26/2005 03:08:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sweet on-loan ride</b>

I got an extra-helping of sleep last night, due to actually being responsible about my before-bed reading, and having to take my car in for the damage-inspection the following morning.  How many of you out there have had the college dream where you dream you’re back on campus, but it’s a much bigger and fancier campus than you remember?  I know some Hiram folk had that happen, but I’ve always wondered if it was just our campus, or a more widespread phenomena. 

I dreamt I was at graduation day at Hiram, wandering the campus in the early evening.  Everything was crowded and busy—which would be typical for that day.  I kept wandering campus, going to all the special places and looking for my friends, but not being able to find them.  Where are the people from Henry Hall? I’d keep asking.  Finally, in the student union I found Sprite, Marianna, and Lynne—they were all dressed similarly in dark colors and coats, and sitting on some milk crates up against a wall.  I hugged them and congratulated Marianna on her wedding, and it was just about then that I woke up. 

It’s one of those repeating dreams that leave a nostalgia that’s hard to shake. 

In my waking world, the good news is that my injured car is now in the hands of Gates Auto Body, and I have a loaner vehicle for however long (likely 2 weeks) it will take to repair it.  It’s a 1998 Toyota Camry, which is grand because that is one of the models I originally thought about buying, but I found the ride to cushiony for me—I like feeling the road a bit, and my lil’ Civic remains a choice I’m so happy with.  I’ll miss my car, but in the meantime I’m not hamstrung from late nights at lab or squidmeistering on the weekends (I AM THE SQUID MASTER. . .temporarily at least).<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/23/2005 12:03:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ahhh, the weekend</b>

It always ends up that I'm tearing my hear out by thursday, but on sunday much calmer and interested in reading a good book, all showered up and ready for bed.  Life is made so that we're never happy or sad all the time, so perhaps that's why my life is like this.  

Sarah and I went adventuring in a big Asian foodmarket this weekend.  I still have not found Tiger Biscuits (which sustained many a hiram student in Malaysia) but I now have some sort of honeydew flavored gelatin dessert snack dofu, Laksa soup mix, a frozen sago pudding dish, and a bar of sandalwood soap.  I am very much a fan of "oriental" (spices or musk) or herbal scents as opposed to floral ones.  

My big stress right now is figuring out what I'm going to do about my car, which was run into by a truck on Friday (my car was parked across the street from a driveway) and is now crumpled around the left headlight.  It's not in any way my fault, which is good, but I still have to figure out insurance and who's covering what and where I have to go to fix it.  I remember when I dropped my horn on the bleachers back in jr. high, and I remember that sickening shame and dismay.  This is rather similar.  I love my car, and now it's hurt (DON DO NOT TELL MOM).<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/19/2005 11:26:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>"Organic and glowing!"</b>

Today's title is brought to you by my roommate Sharon, who was describing the fallout shelter in the basement of Whole Foods grocery store, just a ten minute walk away.  We had a tornado warning for Dane county today (right during the evening commute!), so she along with all the other customers were escorted to the basement until the warning was lifted.  I think this is an excellent piece of information, as I think that's the closest fallout shelter for us, and man you may never need to know that sort of information, but if you did--wouldn't it be nice to already know it?  

My great indulgence for today was coming home around 5PM, opening up the door to my porch so I could hear the rain, strippin' down to pajama shorts and tank top and taking a good 1.75 hour nap.  

Are you familiar with the concept of synchronicity?  Dad used to talk about it alot (he talks about alot of things, of course).  To me, it involves the same sort of element or theme coming up in your life in what seems to be a less-than-random fashion. Right now I'm reading "The Drawing of the Three" by Stephen King (which btw, is picking up speed like a runaway train).  My current chapter has to do with a heroin addict (several actually)and trying to smuggle cocaine, and at the same time I'm going through the series "24" on dvd, where the lead character is trying to hide an addiction to heroin.  And just TODAY I was in a used dvd/cd/book store and ran across the soundtrack to Miami Vice (yeah) and the first track is "Smuggler's Blues" which King has his character refer to, as well as Miami vice itself.  It all comes full circle!  WHAT ARE THE COSMOS TELLING ME THIS TIME?  I hope it's nothing illegal. 

On a more serious note, my grandfather on my dad's side has finally been moved into a group home, since his older sister is ill and cannot take care of him, and all his children cannot be there every day of the week, even if they take turns.  I saw pictures of the place, and it's all clean and warm and victorian.  I mean, it's very likely the very nicest place he's ever lived in, and he'll have people to care for him.  But I know he's going to be so confused--he has some form of memory loss, and gets confused and angry when he strays from routine.  He hasn't recognized me or mom for about a year, and he remembers my dad, his son, as "the guy who plays the banjo."  It hurts my heart.  

I'm really happy for him though, because this place looks very nice, and Dad had been there to check it out.  It's just that this will probably be the last place he'll ever live, and I wonder if he knows that.  I wonder what that feels like, to see such a nice place and know maybe it will be where you'll die.  I'm not trying to be melodramatic about this.  It could be really a relief to know it.  All I know is that when I try to imagine it, I cry.  But I cry about alot of things, and usually it just helps.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/16/2005 09:43:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Some things never do change. . .</b>

Wheeee! I'm feeling alot better now that I'm clearing whatever plague I had last week. Also, the sushi in my belly helps a bit. ALSO I just checked my pcr amplification and I totally amplified some DNA. Rock, rock on.
----
Ever other Sunday, I call my mom--in the hopes that I might remain a good daughter and also to hear what the latest adventure is in the house I no longer live in. Lots of excitement at home now. My sister went to prom, and now has a voice coach/talent agent apparently, and is soon to be auditioning for local productions of "Godspell" and "Oliver." Mom has a new car, and Don Michael is home from college.

During one of her last preschool classes for the year, mom popped in a cassette tape of what was supposed to be Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and instead heard one of my "radio shows" I made when I was 4. This one was on the road trip back from Florida, when I was, as I mentioned, 4 and my brother was 2. Yes, her description of it made it all sound very cute, but what really struck me where two things that I said. The first was that "All I do is go to school. SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL!"

20 years later, and I'm STILL going to school.

The other thing was that I apparently complained that "all the boys spend all their time acting tough and they never talk to me. I have to write them letters. I just sit and read."

I wanted to be sad about this, for the younger me. I remember vaguely how lonely it could be to be a nerd. I used to stutter ALOT because my brain worked much faster than my mouth (and still does). I wanted to be sad but I realized that yeah, at the time being smart meant few people liked the things I did and boys were not big fans of my endless chattering and big vocabulary. But now I'm in geek prime. I get paid to be a total nerd, and I am surrounded by other kids who once too didn't have many people to talk to, but plenty of books to read. I'll give that little 4-year-old me a hug, though.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/13/2005 12:44:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The most deadly time-waster EVARRR</b>

www.kittenwar.com

I'm sure many internet savvy folks have already run across this.  I used to get my ahead-of-the-trend info from CS majors, but now I'm entrenched with fellow biology geeks, and we're no slouches but we don't know the internet quite so well.  

Started watching "24" with Andy and Sarah. . . looks very promising, and fortunately since the season we're watching has to do with viruses--which I admittedly don't know as much about compared to bacteria--It can be more plausible for the microbiologist in me.  This series seems to have the proper geekly sheen to keep me interested.  

And lo, Friday has arrived.  I don't know what I'm going to get up to, but I do know the Saturday I'm signed up to collect squid--we're down to only a few egg-laying females and only one clutch is in the range to hatch that day, so it looks like I'll get up early on a Saturday only to get NO ANIMALS.  But if I didn't show up, then they'd all hatch and I'd be SUPER BUMMED.  In the immortal words of Dave K.: piss, piss, piss.  

It's summer, and the want-to-be-active-outside bug has struck.  I'm tossing around the idea of going to free in-line skate lessons on Monday (sponsored by Mad City Rollers).  I always enjoyed roller skating, and my favorite video games ("Skitchin" on the Sega Genesis, and Jet Set Radio and Jet Set Radio Future) have involved in-line skating.  However I don't think they'll let me hitch a ride on the back of a car, or utilize magnetic rollerblades to skate up towers and such.  Still, I'm finally living somewhere that has bike paths and sidewalks a-plenty, and my main reason for not walking into work is that it takes 40 minutes and the bus takes 20 . . . could skating offer the solution?  We'll see.  Hopefully I won't break much.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/11/2005 11:48:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>What the funk?</b>

Ok, admittedly another too-cutesy title, but it's what got typed first, so we're sticking with it (so in theory Amber will go to bed soon).

Did you ever have one of those days that were just embedded in a funk for no good reason?  I did.  I mean, the best reasons I could come up with were that it was not mid-70's today, and I semi-slept through some amazing thunderstorm last night which everyone was chatting about today.  Neither of those reasons are very sound reasons for funkage.  

In fact, today was a pretty good day.  I didn't miss the bus, they had spinach soup in the deli (yum!), and I got alot done in lab, with almost too much work lined up for the rest of the week.  

I think maybe I've gone anemic or something, because I just felt slightly ill and light-headed, and then I DID somehow miss my bus so I walked home, and had one of those long thought-talks about life that didn't leave me feeling much better about it, even though in fact life is very good and with little at all to complain about.  

It's just been one of those "I'd like a hug, but I'm feeling too bristly to ask for one and be happy about it" days.  Oh well! Contrary to what my family thinks, it's ok to be cranky once and awhile and it does not manifest as a "problem" that needs solving immediately.  

Ok! sleep for me!  Oh! and my basil and cilantro plants are still grrrrowing, and the cilantro is starting to form its adult leaves.  My porch is my new eden.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/08/2005 01:09:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Happy May!</b>

In honor of the first weekend in a long time, it seems, that I didn't have to grade lab reports, I'm doing useless tasks like fiddling with my blog template. This usually takes forever and ever, but I'm waiting for squid to hatch, and you'd be suprised how stubborn they can be about that.

Enjoy!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/05/2005 11:06:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Soooo sleepy?</b>

Well, I've been on my way back to a "normal" 7-8 hour a night sleep schedule, but I've still been sleepier than usual.  Andy's come down with some sort of plague that has appropriately been plaguing the Bac-T (Bacteriology) department.  So maybe I also have the plague.  If so, hopefully I'll get the sore throught and start sounding like Demi Moore.  

Or maybe finally my body wants a full sleep re-boot.  

So today was (in theory) the absolute last day of classes ever.  I mean, I could be wrong, and who knows what other things I'll be asked to attend that are classlike later, but I've completed all major and minor coursework for the PhD program.  Off I go!  The weight of this milestone has not fully impacted me yet.  It just feels like a time-release relief program where little by little I realize how much more time I'm going to have when I'm not going to freaking class.  

To be proud of currently: I've been networking!  At least, I have found two people to help me learn to use the confocal microscope (sweet), I have located someone who might be able to help me get micrographs of <i>V. fischeri</i> using the transmission electron microscope (even more sweet), and Ned wants me to get in touch with guy in the Biostatistics department for some statistics help with some of our data analysis.  One of Ned's great talents as the head of a lab is that when you meet with him, you leave full of ideas and actions to take and you feel USEFUL.  Now if only he wasn't on the road so much!  But alas, he is a rockstar scientist.  

So again, Friday approaches, and my room still isn't clean, but that's ok.  Hopefully, Andy will recover, and Sarah and I might go scout out plants for her garden, which may mean that Amber will have gardening therapy available to her.  AAAAND Tomatoes!  Another Saturday at the Farmer's Market!!

PREEEOOOW!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/02/2005 05:07:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b></b>
<b></b>
<b></b>
<b>All-nighters are really not much good</b>

Well kids, I tried. I stayed up from 11PM-6AM grading lab reports, and was so very satisfied with myself when 6AM came around. I had them all finished, with 2 hours left to sleep until I needed to get back up and catch the bus and head into work. Doing this would get me at lab at 9:00 and I’d be ready to start cultures for a squid experiment. The experiment would be all set by around 2PM, and with the boss out of town I could feel completely ok with just going home early and finishing my recovery. I curled up into bed, thought warm thoughts, and went to sleep.’

I woke up of my own volition some time later. I was relieved at first to realize that my living space was not covered in tarantulas, like I had been dreaming. Yay! Wait, it was 10:30AM. . . .Squid hatch at noon and I won’t be able to get into work until 11AM at best. . . crap crap crap.

I called in and gave up my rights to squid for the day—which was good because someone else could use some of them, but we had a big burst (of course) so I would have had enough animals to set up several experiments. Crap. And my lab reports wouldn’t even be turned in quite as early as I had envisioned.

But oh well. I’m really tired, and have been getting increasingly cranky from continual lack of sleep that usually really my fault. CRANKY TIRED SLEEPY.

I had a pretty nice weekend though. Farmer’s Market was lovely. Got to go shopping down State street with Sarah. Went and saw Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy—which was wonderful, and had delicious Chinese food with Andy and Sharon. I also spent a nice evening with the Andy, and slept in until near 2PM on Sunday. The only problem was that I was continually overbooked and ended up being late a lot, which always stresses me out. A LOT.

Well, I don’t have any homework and in theory after I go to this poster session (undergrad poster session) I can be retired to my own recognizance until tomorrow, when it will be BUSY BUSY BUSY. AGAIN!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/28/2005 10:33:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><br>
<br>
<br>Well, the big news for today is that, on the way to work, I saw a bunch a baby ducks waiting behind a mommy duck to hop into the Engineering Sciences fountain while some band with a drum set was rocking out on the lawn in front of the building.  

Sometimes, especially when the weather is nice, Madison is one of the dreamiest places to be.  

We're nearing the end of the spring term, and all the undergrads are busy AND I have another set of lab reports to grade.  Concurrently, I rented The Sims: Bustin' Out for the GC and have been horribly addicted for several days.  Before I ran into a bug in the game and lost my car (in the game) I was a Gene Splicer (Mad Scientist Career Track) and I was living in a government compound.  Awesome.  

You know, the really great thing about grad school is that it's turning me into something different.  Not different from "who I really am" but a more assertive me.  I have good ideas.  I have a short attention span but I'm not the only one here with THAT problem.  I can do science! Hell Yeah! 

P.S. I'm so excited for Alice who has finished her Thesis!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/24/2005 11:52:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Back in Madison!</b>

Well, I'm back from my 4-day conference on Beneficial Microbes--back from Lake Tahoe, CA and Reno, NV.  So close to the ocean and yet so far away . . . 

First off, the science was quite awesome at the conference.  Although my brain was beyond full after each day of talks starting at 9:00AM and going until 8PM with breaks in between for lunch and dinner plus a poster session. . . the science was really amazing, and I am glad I went.  Even though scientific meetings still make me feel less academically and socially adept.  

Since it was snowing in Lake Tahoe, I got to sit out in the hot tub chatting with other scientists while the flakes gently fell.  It was surreal.  

Conferences are supposed to be, in part, about networking, and I'm still learning to do that.  I like people and places with lots of them, but there's still a bit of the Pollack side in me that wants to just go hide in my room and be quiet sometimes.  And by the end of the conference, it was a welcome change to head into Reno with Sarah and just chill and watch TLC and Style Network, while contemplating nothing more involved than wandering around the casinos later.  

Reno is special.  Originally, I had prepared myself for a city that was old and tired and glitzed out, but really Reno was more intact than that.  Yeah, it  was chock-full of neon lights and liquor stores, but most of the people Sarah and I met were friendly and human--mostly.  We went into our first pawn shop ever, right on the main drag, and made friends with all the clerks inside.  When we told them we were just browsing, they'd all tease us that browsing wasn't free, or something like that.  The thing about being a cute girl with no associated male in sight is that men tend to be much friendlier to you, and try to impress you.  One of the clerks called Sarah and I over, and let us each hold a $50,000 opal in our hand.  It was blue and flashing green, with a diamond-encrusted snake encircling it.  Can you imagine holding more than twice your yearly salary in one hand?  

All in all, Sarah and I had a great time wandering aimlessly around the casinos: El Dorado & Silver Legacy, Circus Circus, The Golden Pheonix, Harrah's, and Fitzgerald's.  Our motel was across the street from one of the many wedding chapels (Chapel of the Bells, with Reno's 1st Drive-thru wedding chapel).  I gambled only about 15 bucks total, and learned that I should stick to the penny slots because MAN, does the money go fast. . . 

By late Saturday evening, we were back in Madison.  After being gone for a week, I come home to find all the trees budding and plenty of e-mails and homework to catch up on.  The outdoor farmer's market has started up again, so I have Saturday afternoons booked to walk around the square nibbling on croissants and coffee whilst inspecting produce. . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/13/2005 11:54:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Just stupid venting</b>

Sometimes, the world seems really ridiculous.  Sometimes I read stuff that feels like sticking my nose in an old tire and getting bit by a giant, deadly Australian Brown snake (Like goddamn Steve Austin might do, not Steve Irwin who would do something much cooler and less stupid).  

Or maybe it feels more like watching Tenchi in Tokyo after Tenchi Universe--it's the same characters but the plot's all different and not at all like I remembered it.  And I get this angry, confused sort of feeling that boils hot in my stomach.  

Sometimes, I get really angry about what I read, and I want to go nuts and flame people.  I want to yell at them about how wrong they are.  But I don't.  In my sometimes-burning gut I know that doesn't do any good.  I'm not above that, but I try to be.  

So every day I tap away on the keyboard, and I stick my head in hornet nests and snake pits and other dens of iniquity and cliche across the internet, and I think to myself: This is all craziness.  I'm glad I'm only reading about it, and not living it.  

Then I read Alice's wonderful entry on the value of arts in the school programs. . . and I am refueled.   

God bless the internet.  At some point I need to support my non-local Sam and call him.  Night-O!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/11/2005 10:57:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Hell is grading lab reports and quizzes</b>

I'm pretty convinced of this now.  Yes, yes, mainly it's my fault for not getting started on this batch early enough, so that now I'm buried in work, although I'm done with the quizzes and should be able to finish up this report madness tonight, at some point.  

My work with the squid had me up "early" on Sunday morning, around 9AM.  I'm well aware that 9AM is nowhere near early (especially compared to the 6:30AM timepoint I had to collect THIS morning) but you must understand what a crime it is to leave a warm, cozy, quiet sunday bed on a beautiful mid-60's day to go off and do labwork and grade things.  

Other big news was getting to see in person Lynn Margulis 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lynn_Margulis

She's one of those people, a legend in the field, that you hear about but never think you'll actually see eating lasagna at a potluck.  I feel bad about being most excited about who whe was married to, but hell, I'm in awe of her as well.  She was married to Carl Sagan!!! Holy crap!  My degrees of seperation network got that much shorter for alot of cool people.  This keeps happening more and more, meeting huge names in the field of science, symbiosis, and microbiology.  It kindof rules.  

Back to grading hell.  Maybe I'll be saved by Reno 911 soon. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/09/2005 01:46:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>The combination of sitting in the sun at the Union terrace out by the lake, and then eating spicy pasta arabiatta at Casa Bianca had my skin feeling glowy and warm for most of Friday evening.  I'm sure the beers helped with that too.  And my freckles, which have been on vacation since last years, have made their comeback.  Hello lovely weather!

I have alot to be happy about.  The weather has been beautiful.  I gave a very nice presentation for my Microbio at the Atomic Resolution class--someone told me I had balls for presenting on the same topic the professor specializes in.  Watch Amber puff up with pride!  It went really well, I think, with some cool discussion.  And it was the last in-class presentation. . .awesome. Waltzing back in to lab, I had flowers on my desk, and a little note telling me someone was certain I'd do well.  I never knew what a weakness I had for getting flowers.  So here I am!

But I do have things to be sad about too.  Foremost is that my dad's father and aunt are not doing so well.  His aunt is grandpa's older sister.  I remember at my graduation party she introduced herself to my boyfriend at the time: "I'm Aunt Mary.  I'm the boss around here."  And as an older sister myself, I appreciate that comment.  She has taken care of everyone.  My dad's family, my grandpa Pollack in particular, and a crowd of little old ladies who can't drive to get their groceries any more.  She is active, fiesty, and giving, and now she's got to be house-bound or in the hospital.  She can't care for Grandpa Pollack anymore, so the four brothers and one sister (my dad and aunt and uncles) have to take over, but they all have families of their own, and are spread out everywhere.  Dad's mom died several years ago, and the loss of his father would be a huge blow to us all as it is.  And on top of it, losing Aunt Mary?  It hurts my heart, because I love them, but I'm far away.  My heart hurts for my dad and all my relatives on that side, and I really can feel their pain all the way out here.  

But for now, no word other than "things aren't looking well."  So I work through it and think about all the nice things I have, and am thankful for.  I'm really lucky.  I have maybe too many friends (there is no such thing though).  Plenty to keep me busy.  A wonderful lab.  A great program.  I'm learning to be ballsy, and I am proud to be an independent woman.  And happy to have people in my life that encourage me to be just that.  

So today I must grade quizzes and lab reports. . . and hopefully escape into other parts of Madison at some point.  Enjoy the weekend!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/03/2005 05:16:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Cleanliness is next to workliness?</b>

My living conditions are always improved when I have a presentation coming up--I always end up taking "breaks" to clean everything in sight.  I've ripped up my 10-month backlog of credit card offers, and made my bed, but most importantly swept all the dead flies off the floor of my three-season porch.  

This is key, because it's mid sixties here today, and I have needed to read, but have wanted to do so outside.  My bedroom is quite small, but I have this wonderful three-season porch which is attached to it.  It has glass shutters, so yes, it's drafty in the fall, but right now I'm fully enjoying the greenhouse effect AND I can here the birds and the neighbors if I want.  

In recent news, I just saw Sin City last night, and it was FANTASTIC.  I mean, if you don't like comic-books, you might not like this, because it really is a comic-book movie.  It will seem a bit to arty and stilted.  But the violence? damn.  

The other big recent happening is that I will be presenting in class on tuesday, and it's hit me that this is (in theory) the last class-presentation I will have to give ever, since I should really be done with classes after this semester.  It's one of those small revelations.  Done? Really? Finally?  I've been in classes for what, nearly 18 years?  

Soon, as in April 17th, I'll be heading out the ASM Beneficial Microbes Conference in Lake Tahoe!  Sarah and I are going to try to find the Reno Sheriff's Dept., in honor of "RENO 911."  

Ok, enough blogging-related procrastination.  Off to work or dinner or something not this!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/29/2005 11:19:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>60 Degrees F is Heaven on Earth</b>

You know, when I first came to Wisconsin, I was hesitant about the weather.  I mean, what do you think of when you think of Wisconsin?  Frozen North? Frozen Midwest?

Yes, the weather gets a hell of a lot colder and windier here, to the point of your face and ears wanting to fall off and shatter on the sidewalk, but it's undeniably sunny, and with days like today where it was in the high 60's. . . I think it's better than all those dark, mushy winters on the East coast.

I also love being in a town that's progressive and liberal, kind and down-to-earth.  

One of my friends just made the decision to leave the PhD program and move back home.  Typing a letter to him, I was reminded that by this time last year I'd made a big life-changing sort of decision as well.  By this time last year Dave and I were officially over.  For a long time after, there were moments when my gut gnawed and I worried I wasn't doing the right thing.  Relationships are difficult, when the intial high wears off, and though we certainly did love eachother alot, there was not enough common ground between us to keep us understanding one another.  Neither was happy, and getting angrier with the other by the day.  

I feel for my friend who is leaving.  I know there are going to be moments where he freaks out a little.  Big decisions are never easy.  But when you make those decisions for honest reasons, you will likely make the right one.  

At this point, with a year's distance, I am sure that I did.  For many reasons.  It's all going to sound like one of those inspirational posters they have in gym class, but what the hell: I feel like I've gotten out of those woods finally, as much as I can get out of them.  And now I'm travelling in new shoes, taking on new adventures.  Ach. . . so cheesy!

-----

As something completely unrelated, there are so many awesome games on homestarrunner.com!  Trodgor the Burninator still brings me such joy. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/23/2005 11:06:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>No Spoilers, But the Ring 2 Sucks</b>

It really, really did.  In a sense, it was so un-scary that it has healed some of the trauma of the scariness of The Ring.  I mean, lots of things are scary until you see them enough, and The Ring 2 was all about showing the creepy girl SO much that you got used to her.  The magic is gone, my friends.  Spend the money if only to see Sissy Spacek, and to be less scared of The Ring.  

There's only been a few movies I've been so scared during or after that I am inevitably changed.  Top Five are as follows (no particular order).

1.  House on a Haunted Hill (remake) MINUS the last 15 minutes.  It was somehow crazy scary until then.

2.  The Ring (American Version)

3.  It

4.  Blair Witch Project 

5.  Gremlins

Watching any one of these will still scare me, but I'm hoping not to have to watch them alone again ever.  I love them all dearly, but I love sleep even more.  "Signs" also did a good job of scaring me, but it requires not thinking hard about anything.  

Today was a beautiful day--40 degrees feels so wonderful, and the sun was a-shinin', so I skipped out early with the boy and scored an awesome 35 cent lobster baking mold to add to my growing collection of lobster-related items.  Ran into even other kids from the program whilst out and about.  Everyone needed to take a break.  

Spring break is magical, what with there being practically no undergrads around (quieter bus rides and streets and bars) but still I work.  I've got a presentation coming up--the last big one I'll have to give this semester--so I have to get moving on that.  Less than two weeks to go, and it needs to be good.  I'm having trouble multi-tasking between the project I have, the microscopy stuff I want to learn, getting ready for this presentation, and grading damn lab reports.  I should clear the lab reports out of the way first--I work better with less things to hop between.  

Anyway!  In summary, school, life in madison, love in madison, friends and such all continue to be good.  I won't be going home for easter, and that feels kindof bad, but I'm getting used to it.  Spring may come soon! but it probably won't!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/19/2005 05:37:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Snowy, springy Saturday</b>

Well, earlier this week I had started a entry about things I'm afraid of, but I lost motivation on that one, and it basically sums up to about three things:

1.  Very tiny and Very large things with sharp teeth

2.  Being lost in pitch-black darkness, which is tied with being suffocated.

3.  Screwing up things for stupid reasons.  

Number 3 is obviously the most valid fear, but fearing it is sortof stupid in itself.  

In other news: Lab baby is born!  To clarify, one of the grad students in the squid lab is now possesing a baby boy, and that is wonderful.  

Most exciting research development: I do NOT have to give up my current project, as I did an experiment this week that showed that my mutant can colonize the squid just fine by itself, but if it has to compete with the non-mutant strain, it has alot of trouble getting all settled in the squid.  This is known as a "competition defect."  

This is beyond awesome, because if I mutate this gene, and it puts my strain at a disadvantage in colonization, then I have reason to ask, "what makes this gene important for colonization?" I get to move on to more interesting questions, and I DO NOT HAVE TO TOSS THIS PROJECT ASIDE.  YAY!  It's a huge relief.

Currently?  I'm bakin' a cake for Andy's birthday--straight from the box baby!  It's got about ten minutes left and smells delightful.  Sharon's out of town for the weekend, and it's a fun novelty to have no roommate.  I can run around like a nut and try crazy outfits on and bake cakes and play my obnoxious music very very loud.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/11/2005 05:45:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Ahhhh, quiet time!

I've been sitting in my room for the last hour, reading up on some weblogs I haven't checked in a while.  People talk alot of trash about weblogs, and how wasteful and boring they are.  And yeah, rarely are any of them literary classics . . . but the humanity in them is sometimes addicting.  

I mean sure, people type only 1/10th of what's REALLY going on in their heads, but usually that's more than what I'd hear from them.  They are edited, but open diaries just laying about.  I read one of my own too, the one I didn't publish ever, but just vented heavily into.  I was so unhappy last year around this time, and now this year things are looking up like some musical comedy.  Perspective.  I got some. It's been a full year since getting un-engaged, and it was the right thing for both of us.  

So, I spent the week anticipating getting the flu from that boy I like, and I think I got something fluish, but it never amounted to much.  Sitting around, over-analyzing every weird symptom my brain registered. . . it was a lesson in psychology and immunology and how they might mix.  Whatever I had, I woke up thursday morning feeling released!  HUZZAH!  We had a little birthday celebration for Sharon (Happy 24th Fowl Temptress!).  Andy's birthday is coming up next, and then spring break!  

Overall, I continue to be so busy in such a good way.  If I get a nice tax return, I may even be able to buy new contacts and get my car checked, and start socking away some cash . . .maybe.  I have some directions in research to pursue, and class is going alright, so I've got no complaints.  Naptime now perhaps?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/27/2005 04:21:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weekend Vacation</b>

Well, my horoscope for this week at freewill astrology told me that my original horoscope related to a haunted mansion theme: the future would hold the equivalents of skeletons in closets, stairways that led to nowhere, funhouse mirrors that distorted and confused my view of myself, being lost and frightened by things popping out of closets.

After a fateful dream, the astrologer said, he changed my horoscope to a funhouse theme.  Good secrets would be revealed.  Stairways will lead to new and exciting things I never would have imagined.  The funhouse mirrors will show me new ways to look at myself, and the things that pop out at me will suprise and delight me.  

As you may know, if you spatially close to me in Madison, my lab meeting was a double-edged sword.  I've been working with this mutant strain, trying to learn how the genetic defects it has result in defects in its ability to form a symbiosis with the squid.  And all the work I've been doing looks like there isn't a big defect.  But the guy who worked before me on the project saw a defect, so I figured I was just doing things incorrectly.  

So, at lab meeting I presented my data, and his, and we got most of the way through the lab meeting and one of the post-doc's said: "I hate to sound mean, but. . ." and then (in summary) told me that the defect they guy before me saw wasn't that large, and there were better projects for me to be working on.  It might be time to cut bait on this project.

It sounds kindof horrifying.  I stayed calm through the rest of the meeting.  Everyone was very supportive.  But after it was over, the afternoon was free and all I could think was: I might need a new project?  After all the reading and work I've done and after presenting my plans for the coming year to my committee already?  Do I have to start over again?  I'm behind already!!  

As far as I can tell, this happens to almost everyone in science at least once.  You get really excited about a cool project, and you work and work and nothing comes out of it, and you have to drop it to work on something else.  Because in this profession, data is your livelihood.  If you don't have data, you can't publish, and if you can't publish, you'll have trouble getting hired.  Also, for the grad student, you need data to have a prelim, and a PhD. . . 

So I swore off lab for the weekend.  On Friday night, Sarah took me out for drinks at Kimia Lounge and Crave: two nice, less undergrad-y bars in Madison.  I got a drink in a carmelized glass, which involved setting the thing on fire!  FIRE I TELL YOU!  It made me so happy to spend the evening with her, because I know I have a history of dropping my girlfriends when a boy enters the picture, and I didn't want that to happen with her.  So we got dressed up and had a small night on the town!  Eventually I met up with Andy over at the Irish Pub--it's a recruitment weekend so he and Sharon and Roger and Rhett and Jeremy had all been busy hosting possible PhD students.  

Got up around 10AM on Saturday and spent a lovely afternoon with Sarah--we hadn't been to St. Vinnie's in awhile, so we went to the East side of town for coffee and thrift shops.  We went to Mother Fools for coffee, which is alot like the B-side for you Hiram folk, as it is just one room, but so damn cozy and cool you just can't help but feel comfy.  We sipped our drinks and chatted, and at one point this older man (~60) came up and complimented me for using my hands so much when I talk.  I thanked him, and he went on to ask if I was a natural redhead.  

At this point, my gut turned a little bit.  Being a relatively friendly young lady, I have had strange men come up and talk to me in the past.  The general format is: 
1.  Get her attention (eye contact)
2.  Say something friendly (verbal acknowledgement)
3.  Either say something else nice or something so horrible and dirty that the girl wishes she had run away screaming when you came over.  

We were nearing step 3, and with an intro like "are you a natural redhead" it could go either way.  Thankfully, he smiled and said "Ahh, well that's the redhead personality [they are very expressive?].  He leaned in and whispered (although loud enough for sarah to hear: 

"Gentlemen don't prefer blondes.  There just aren't enough redheads to go around."  

So that is my quote for the day, for the weekend even perhaps.  I'm not a true, true redhead, but as somewhere in between redhead and brunette I'll take what compliments I can.  

From there I went on to have a truly successful shopping day, and made a landspeed record for buying a swimsuit in under a half hour.  God bless tankinis!  They are both utterly more flattering for those of us with blinding white bellies, and also much easier to work with than a one-piece.  REQUISITE GIRLY INFORMATION: It's mostly black but with a geometric design of light lime and aqua blocks running diagonally, and top ties around the back of my neck so certain elements cannot run away (although they do try to escape, it's a good kind of trying to escape).  

Finally, I watched "City of God" with Sarah, which is a superbly well-edited film and absolutely must be watched.  Just keep in mind it isn't a movie for picking you up and making you feel good.  

Sunday has been much quieter.  Went to bed Saturday night around 3:30AM, stayed in bed until 3PM, even though I had a dream that I was a vampire, and was being hunted down by some club of well-dressed (aka tux and evening gown) vampire hunters who kept trying to stab me with pencils.  They finally caught me and were going to sacrifice me at dawn for their amusement, but I was allowed one phone call.  However I had much trouble getting my contacts button to work on the phone.  When I finally reached the person I was trying to reach, they asked me if I wanted them to rescue me, and I said no, I'd be fine. But I wasn't going to be.  They were going to kill me, and I was crying.

After waking up, I wondered why I hadn't asked for that person's help, but oh well.  The weekend has come and gone again, and this week will be challenging, like always.  February is almost gone!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/24/2005 09:31:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weeee! why work on your lab meeting handout when you can BLOG?!</b>

Just a slight sampling of procrastination.  The week has flown by, as always, and Friday is nearly here.  I'm giving lab meeting tomorrow.  Technically, this is a weekly event where one of us presents a little of what they've been up to in the lab since the last time they presented.  The function of this excersize is to keep everyone informed on what other folks in the lab are up to, and troubleshooting, troubleshooting, troubleshooting.  And lord is my project in need of troubleshooting. . .

This weekend is another recruiting weekend for the MDTP program, which means senior-level undergrads will be visiting our departments and interviewing with our PI's and getting heaps of free meals to boot!  I'm not hosting a student this weekend, so I might actually have some free time to go play downtown, which I've been craving lately with the change to nicer weather.  State Street is pretty magical, what with all the little shops and peoplewatching to enjoy. 

Oh ladies and gentlemen, the spring fever is growing ever more fierce in me.  My feet are craving sandles and I want to go picnic and fly kites and smell the soil again.  It is still a way's off, and so I put it on the shelf with my ocean fever, waiting for the lab-baby fever, daydreaming about everything under the sun instead of paying attention in lecture-fever . . . .

Well, hopefully I'll get some useful input on my project tomorrow.  Data fever is also upon me, and man would it be awesome to move past making mutants to actually using them in cool experiments.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/23/2005 12:27:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Getting older</b>

Getting older is about dropping stupid hangups and finding new things to be afraid of.

Getting older is about bluffing everyone, even yourself, into thinking you are smart enough.  And learning that's what everyone else is doing.  

Getting older is about seeing more people as young.

Getting older is about more people looking up to you.  

Getting older is about trying Love again even when you can't know it will be forever. 

Getting older is about looking back and thinking you were so silly THEN.


Eeehhhh, life is pretty darn good right now.  But it's getting near the fool moon and sometimes that makes me feel a little wonky and contemplative.  

I think I'm really starting to live, as cliche as that sounds.  Getting older, but I know 23 doesn't count as old.  It's this newfound sense of ownership in my life that I'm digging.  But of course, the happier and less-tortured I get the less artistic anything I type feels.  

Lately I've had ocean fever and a touch of baby fever.  Not want-to-have-a-baby fever, mind you.  The wife of one of my labmates is due ANY DAY now.  And I just find myself beyond excited for them, which is easy for ME to say since my life will change very little, and theirs so much.  The ocean fever is this ever-growing craving for the beach.  In my gut it grinds away and it's all I can do to keep the daydreams of me lazing about on a towel with the smell of sunscreen and sounds of the waves. . . 

I'm so busy that the days fly by and the lecture courses are fraught with daydreams.  

I handed back my first graded lab report for the lab I T.A.  It was hard to have to give some poor grades.  I can't define how being a T.A. and grading their work has changed me, aged me.  But it has.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/17/2005 07:11:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Thursday!</b>

One of the great things about tuesdays and thursdays is that I am solidly scheduled for 75% of them.  I mean, I blink and I've gone from reading before class to class to lunch to TA-ing for three hours to lab work and then home.  It's over practically before I know it. 

But of course, this is also exactly why they can suck. 

I'm not saying today sucked.  It feels more like I put up with alot of stupid stuff and made it through alive (in part because I fell asleep last night at 9PM and slept till this morning).  And yeah, there is something impressive about surviving it. 

Sure, it's my second year of grad school, but only now really am I beginning to feel like a real grad student.  And while alot of that involves starting to feel like I'm learning how to think more critically, and learning more facts and concepts. . . alot of it is just learning to not care about stupid crap that isn't important.  Like:

A)I do have important work to do, and my time is valuable.  I used to think that I should attend every little thing and thoroughly read all papers before they are discussed.  But my time is valuable.  My sanity is  valuable.  My soul will inevitably be broken by prelims, so I should be choosy about my before-soul-broken time. 

B)I'm not brilliant.  Or at least, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of being the most brilliant person on this campus.  I should not be afraid of not knowing something.  That is stupid.

I'm working on getting these two concepts hammered into my head, so that I can sleep a little better at night.

In other news, I have been handed my first packet of lab reports to grade.  I'm of the opinion that my kids in my lab TA-ship are pretty smart, but damn do some of them have horrific handwriting!  Grading these things makes me feel sort of funny-like.  I have been entrusted with some sort of authority, and it feels good, but unnerving.  Also I asked one kid in lab today if he could stop eating food in lab, please.  He sipped his soup-in-a-cup and said he was just walking out of the lab with it.  He still had a pepsi bottle behind his backpack.  He's the same kid that I caught looking through the graded quizzes last week.  I am being tested, methinks. 

On a personal level, life is pretty good.  Negotiating the "we're two friends dating in a close group of friends" scenario isn't very easy, but it's worth it, worth it, worth it.  And frankly, I had a lovely Valentine's day that was the exact opposite of me wanting to claw my eyes out.  Which is an obtuse way of saying it was exactly what I wanted. 

Finally: DON MICHAEL POLLACK WHY HAVEN'T YOU POSTED RECENTLY!????!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/09/2005 08:34:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Happy New Year's!</b>

Ah, another year of the rooster.  

According to the Chinese zodiac, I am a rooster.  A metal rooster.  This year is the wooden rooster.  This has been your public service announcement.  

Well friends and neighbors, we've entered the month of February, which has historically been a pretty crappy month.  So far, it hasn't been crappy so much as just really really busy.  

I presented at Departmental Journal Club on Friday, and that of course went well despite my freaking out about how it wouldn't.  Then I spent the weekend sortof "coming down" off that adrenaline spike.  The week so far has been decent, although with the V-day coming up who knows where things will go.  I have a guy, so that's pretty darn good a start right there.  We'll see!

Friday is coming!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/30/2005 04:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weekends</b>

It's been a lovelier weekend than I could have anticipated.  Friday night was 80's night at the Cardinal, and Saturday night was dancing at the UWMBDA spring kick-off dance.  It's just so amazing to go the UWMBDA events, because there are all levels of ballroom dancin' skill, from people just doing the same step over and over again across the floor, to the those in the center of the room looping and swinging and dipping all over the place.  It felt like being in one of the final dance scenes in a teen movie, where everyone is having a grand time and the credits are rollin'. 

So all in all, the evenings were full of dancing and merriment, the afternoons were spent in lab, and the mornings were spent lazily trying to get towards going to lab. 

What's in store for this week?  Getting ready for my journal club presentation, working on getting my mutant constructs done, and generally reading up for my classes.  Here we go!

P.S. the Conan comicbook series continues to rock my face right off, as does season 3 of Buffy.
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/29/2005 02:56:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Feeling effective and affected</b>

In my younger life, would I have ever imagined that my happiness could be so tightly bound to my effectiveness in lab? Probably not, but that is how it inevitably goes. I've been working at the computer for awhile to design little strands of DNA that I can use to amplify regions of a gene I'm interested in, as well as a gene for antibiotic resistance. Low and behold, I was able amplify DNA from these regions successfully on the first try, and now I'm doing a reaction to knit them all together. That will place a huge antibiotic resistance gene in the middle of this gene I want to mutate--totally freaking messing up its function when I stick it back into <em>Vibrio</em> <em>fischeri'</em>s genome. That's the goal, and if I get my mutants I can finally do interesting work and know what strains I'm working with.

So to summarize, lab is going much better, and since I'm returning to molecular biology work, I can work much more independently and with confidence. It feels so good.

On the polar end of that good feeling is the looming dread of presenting a journal article at the departmental journal club on Friday. I wish our journal club wasn't open to everyone who wanted to wander in, because I may only have students for an audience, but probably since I'm the first presenter of the semester I'll get lots of professors as well. Maybe. It's just a little scary. But it's going to be good for me. For one thing, putting together presentations makes you a better speaker and hones your ability to communicate to the scientific community (text book reason). Also, it will be good for the lab to have someone do something for the department. Finally, it will let me get the last credit hour I need to complete my coursework, and I'll get it out of the way by Friday. Then I can focus on much more fun and less horrifying things. At least until March, when I have to present my research at the yearly Squid-Vibrio Pow-wow. However, it's much more fun when it's your project, and not some freaking paper. So yeah, I teeter between very nervous to just "it will be good to get it over with, and good for me, and I can totally handle it."

Scared!

If anything, this semester is impressing upon me how good a student I can actually be when I focus enough. I have no tests, but 3 presentations to give. Very teaching-oriented this semester. My lab kids are super awesome, even if I cringe every time I hear myself calling them kids. In all actuality, they're maybe 2 years younger, but they are getting younger and younger and my senior year seems farther and farther away. I am finding some success in just pretending I am the peer of everyone else here. Maybe I am. That's a hard call to make, but in a year I have changed in ways I would have never anticipated. I am not the best student here, but I belong here, and I can make it to PhD here. Just keep repeating that "Fear is the mind-killer" mantra . . .
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/25/2005 01:31:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Quick update!</b>

I'm at lab right now, and should be going home to sleep, but I haven't posted in five million years and I always get bummed when other people stop posting, so here:

1) I reaffirm my assertion that graduate school isn't so much intellectually challenging as psychologically challenging.  Every day is this battle to work hard for your work, even when it isn't freaking working.  Blind ambition, sometimes

2) I am now officially a lab T.A., and it's for a lab section filled with senior-level microbiology folks, so my undergrads pretty much know what they're doing, but freak out about writing assignments. 

3)My current ideal perfect day/vacation would involve a 1-day road trip that would lead to Florida.  I'd drink tropical drinks in the evening, eat shrimp, and listen to the surf.  My grandfather has a home in Clearwater, Fla.  and in my small vacation I would stay there, and in the morning I would get up and drink coffee on the dock and smell the fishy sea, then go back to bed till noon.  Then I would get on a bike and ride over to the beach, and spend the day lookin' for shells and maybe reading a book.  The rest of my ideal day is too mushy for publishing online, so you can thank me later folks. 

GOODNIGHT!
-Amber-
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/07/2005 12:47:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Repetitive-task and organizational fiesta</b>

Man, titles don't get much sexier than THAT, do they?  This has been the first full week back in Madison, and hasn't it been full of adventures?

On the workfront, well, I haven't made any good discoveries, other than I need to backtrack and check the guy's work I'm basing my work on more.  A very classic grad-school lesson: always cover your ass before you start running around trying new stuff.  I'm learning.  I counted bacterial colonies on over 200 plates I think this week.  This is an extremely boring task, but I am finishing up my work from before the break and getting it presentable, and that feels good.  

On the financial front. . . oh jesus is this going to be a bad month.  Christmas debt, 300 dollars of student fees, car insurance, rent, and who knows what else.  Between just student fees and rent, we're talking about 700 dollars. I'm working on eating dinner at home more, and not buying random random stuff (except comic books, because I need SOMETHING to indulge in).  

On a meteorological(?)front: Wisconsin has been host to not only a tremendous ice storm on New Year's Day, but also a significant amount of snowfall last night.  Ironically, I feel like I get more exercise now in the winter than I did in the summer.  I have a well-situated neighborhood, so that I can walk to get groceries or to Borders or to visit several friends in vicinity.  Sure, I can't drive, and I had a hell of a time extracting my car from the plowed-in side of the street to move it to the other side so that the plowed-in side could be plowed-out, but really it is magical and sparkly and sunny during the days.  Even if your face is frozen and wants to fall off.  

On a personal front: I'm enjoying the calmness that is the time before classes start again. Everyone, though working hard, is coping and not going utterly batshit.  That will change shortly.  I will be TA-ing a lab course, and taking a difficult 3-credit class.  And of course, it's Friday, so I hopefully will go out dancing with my crew.  And maybe a spot of sleeping in on Saturday, if I'm good.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/02/2005 10:57:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>First Entry o' 2005</b>

Well, I made it back from West Virginia alive, even after the near 12 hour drive from there back to Madison.  I could go over all the details of x-mas break, but really that would be boring.  It was the lowest stress christmas ever, and it was absolutely wonderful.  My distinct status switch from engaged (last year) to disengaged (this year) was only mentioned once, and not even directly.  For that I am eternally thankful.  Furthermore, I recieved so many wonderful things this year that weren't necessarily monetary in value.  Are you ready for my entry to continue to be boring in its happiness?

New Year's Eve was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.  I had the best and most social time, and tried out a punch recipe that involved 7-up and frozen juice and rasberry sherbet, and a huge amount of vodka. I have decided to call it "Fantastic Voyage" for lo you could not tast the alcohol and so indeed you were transported somewhere fantastic--and I can't resist a sci-fi reference with some microbiology in it.  My friends and I had a really grand evening, although I didn't drink enough water before going to bed, and just watching the Tournament of Roses Parade the next morning made me ill.  I haven't been THAT hungover in a long time, So that is how I start 2004.  

Do I have any predictions or resolutions for 2004?  Hell no.  If I've learned anything, it is that you have no idea where life is taking you too far down the road ahead.  I can expect that life might stay boring for a little while, because I am perhaps the happiest in my life that I have ever been.  Seriously.  It probably means disaster/drama is up ahead soon enough, but whatever.  But yeah, I love my program, I love my lab, I love where I live, I love my friends, and I have a dreamy boy to hang out with, and a family that loves me, I am still relatively cute, and I have no student loans.  I just have to try not to fuck any of these things up too much.  

I guess that's about as close to a resolution as I'm going to get.  


<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/23/2004 12:18:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><strong>It's that time again, folks!</strong>
<strong></strong>
Once again, I am at home in WV for the christmas break, and it is once again very quiet. I have found myself being very much non-social--I have highschool friends home, but I keep forgetting to call them. Here is what I have been up to:

1. Random naps and sleeping in: the grad student equivalent of a day spa
2. Going shopping with Mom (a very traditional activity)
3. Helping lil' sis Liz get ready for trying out for "Grease" for the highschool musical (how do you interpret the character of Rizzo and her conflicting views of herself and other girls?)
4. COOKING my presents for all my relatives. What could be better than cookies and fudge?

I am also reading "Nimishia's Ship" by Anne Perry, which is pretty awesome so far. It pays off to have a brother who picks up lots of scifi books on the cheap--I get the chance to try out new authors for free.

I have also admittedly been acting like a gushing foolish nut about the new boy in my life, so thanks to all who have put up with me so far and all my twitterpated craziness.  With great happiness comes great responsibility. 

All in all, Christmas finds me with alot to think about. I love my program, I love my friends, I love it all. I just hope I'm up to the challenge of keeping it all for as long as I'm supposed to. And in the short term, I hope I'm up to the challenge of driving around on these crazy WV roads with no snow tires.

Law and Order Quote of the night: "He had sexual narcolepsy.  He kept falling into beds." 
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/14/2004 12:52:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>You know, I have mixed feelings about these moments in my graduate school career where I am on the cusp of completing some project or near taking a big exam.  I mean, they are certainly chock-full of stress.  But they also have this wonderful promise of self-gratifying relief when they are over or accomplished.  I think it is entirely possible to become addicted to it.  It pairs well with procrastination, of which I am a fan.

So tomorrow is the big Sequence Analysis Final tomorrow.  I'm not really concerned anymore, becuase I have gone over all the material, and sometimes the exam structure has been blatantly odd or unfair in the past (aka a test of 70% TorF questions?!) so I know that there is only so much that I can do to avoid destruction.  And if I get destroyed, well, then mom's dream will come true and I'll get a C (she had a dream about that).  Grad students are supposed to maintain a B average for each semester.  Blargh.  So many years of straight or near-straight A's, and one bad class can mean so much.  

Life is pretty good though.  Very confusing at times, but I won't complain.  Pretty much all drama and stress is of my own doing.  So the beds I make, I lie in, and that's about that.  

Almost time to drive home to WV (next sunday), and already I have learned I'll miss the rapidly-becoming-legendary McMechen bar crawl (there are a total of 5 in all of the city/township of McMechen).  I think though I'm most excited about getting to see my family, my dog Mocha, the cats, and a slew of new and growing cousins from the second wave of kids on the Pollack side (I and my siblings were part of the first, and I am the eldest grandchild). So yay!  

Finally, if you are bored, you may want to watch a movie trailer: 

http://www.thenewworldmovie.com/trailer_qt_large.html<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/09/2004 12:34:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Veja du</b>

My www.freewillastrology.com horoscope tells me that this week I may experience the exact opposite of Deja vu: Veja du.  The inexplicable feeling that you have never experienced this moment before.  

The hosting of big-name Microbiology speaker Dr. Jeff Gordon (yes, like the Nascar driver) went extremely well.  Dr. Gordon was simply a delight, and a sci-fi fan to boot.  He gave a fantastic seminar.  The confession I must make is that I have little concept of how huge he is in the field of microbiology, but I can tell from everyone around me that he is indeed so well known that people fight to get to talk to him. So, sitting across the table from a legend in the field, riding behind him on the car to the airport and talking about mopeds and Star Trek. . . it was pretty surreal.  And for a group of students who have never organized a guest speaker together before, we did so well that at least Roger and I took most of the rest of the day off.  

I count that as my big blessing for today.  I have joked that he is my psuedo-Sam, because he has the balls to be a bastard when he wants, but also is one of the most caring people I know.  There is only one Sam, and there is only one Roger.  Roger works so damn hard I rarely get to see him, and usually that's with a group of people.  We don't get much quality time to chat.  But today we dropped Dr. Gordon off at the Dane County Airport and then went to Starbucks for coffee.  We sat and just talked and talked for some time.  Depressing things and happy things.  I am really thankful for it.  

For now, life is weighed heavy with exciting things for me, and maybe drama all around.  It's so near the holidays and so much is happening.  I'm just trying to do right by everyone, but it isn't always easy.  I'll just keep trying.  

Hope everyone is having a nice holiday!
-Amber-<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/07/2004 01:06:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>May you live in interesting times</b>

Big weeks ahead here, folks.  This week: Amber, Roger, and Andy host a big name in the field of Microbiology.  Next week, Amber has an exam and should find presents for other people!  Week after that. . .home for the holidays . . . 

I had perhaps one of the most drunken weekends I've had in a long time.  And stayed up waaay too late, but for good GOOD reasons.  So it was a real weekend this time around, but now it's monday and I'm oh-so-sleepy.  

Nothing high-content here today.  I think the combination of work and holidays upcoming will makes things intriguing/tiring/memorable.  Who could ask for more than that?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/03/2004 01:42:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Happiness is the after-dinner nap</b>

In college, I remember at least one full year where I would go to dinner with Sam and Dave, fill my belly with cafeteria food, go back to their room, and just pass out on Dave's bed until 8PM.  In hindsight, that was probably an obnoxious thing for a girlfriend to do, but man was it awesome.  

I had not the best night's sleep on Wednesday for several reasons, the most blatant of which was that I had to give lab meeting on Thursday.  I had a lovely dream about my teeth falling out.  But lab meeting went WONDERFULLY.  Sure, I didn't have any exciting data to present, but I got a chance to share with everyone what I'd been up to, and get some really great information and advice for my upcoming experiments.  

To me, there are few things so wonderful as the relief and satisfaction that immediately follows a presentation.  Not that I'd go seeking out presentations so I could feel it again and again, but I try to dangle that in front of me whenever I get nervous.  How good it feels to have worked hard and done a good job--resulting in guilt-free indulgence in the after dinner nap.  Losing yourself for an hour in your street clothes in your bed.  

Friday awaits!  Hugs all around because I'm feeling pretty grand and loved and admired. <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/30/2004 12:59:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>I am really horrible at self-restraint when it comes to treating myself.  Usually, this is a good, confident thing.  Like: hey, I've worked my ass off all through my prior education; I deserve a day off.  I had a crappy sunday, so I indulged in the following:

1.  Purchasing of a handsfree setup for my cell
2.  Hour-long soaking bath while reading Elle followed up by the hottest of showers  
3.  A full afternoon of AIM-ing people

Frankly, I pride myself on not being one of those people who continually sacrifice themselves expecting others to see it and validate them.  I've watched mom do it for years.  Compassion and compromise are good, but putting everyone else's needs first isn't realistic or healthy.  

But the thing is, when it comes to indulging, sometimes it feels growling and nearly uncontrollable.  And very clearly you hear the logical portion of your brain explain all the reasons for not doing something or taking something--for not drinking so much or staying up so late.  But sometimes I just ache to give in, especially when I'm tired.  I have a really loud Id; not just for food or boys or clothes or leisure. . . but between those four I sure do wear myself out with trying to negotiate it.  

Overall, Monday was kindof lousy.  Not enough squid hatched and the scintillation counter got stuck, so I can't do hard research for a couple more days, and I have lab meeting on Thursday--which means sitting down and saying "hey, I don't have much data.  Can I brainstorm a bit with you guys?" (aka, I wish I was more productive by now, and I have to admit I haven't been).  I know that I'm learning, and finally reaching a point where I'm making real progress--it is simply excruciating to have to experience the learning curve.  Having to swallow my pride of years of getting A's easily to actually work and accept that I'm going to make so many mistakes before I actually get things to work.  It's hard.  And I like treats.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/28/2004 02:38:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Possibly not interesting dream interp </b>

I had one of those dreams last night.  The kind that you wake up remembering so strongly that you feel like maybe you were supposed to get something out of it.  There were a couple scenes: 

1.  I was at a science conference, and I had forgotten to attend a workshop all weekend and now I didn't have a project done and everyone else did (typical stress dream).

2.  I was wearing some guy's boxers over my own undergarments, but underneath my clothes.  I dreamt I was making out with that guy (STOP GIGGLING!) and I reached around to the small of his back, and there was a patch of his skin that was all flaky.  I was pulling off pieces of skin, and so I had to draw my hand away.  

3.  It was a nice summer night, and I was angry at someone.  So I went outside with a blanket and slept on mattress on the side of the road in downtown Madison.  I was worried about being safe, but I felt I had to stick it out and show how brave I was.  I woke up in the dream and couldn't remember what I had done with my clothes, but then I found them and walked home, only to realize I'd left my shoes by the mattress and needed to walk all the way back to get them.  

All of these things were pretty memorable in the morning.  And I have my own ideas for what each of them mean, but why bore you with even more details?  The worst was that part of the dream I had a boy that really liked me and I felt loved and giggly and secretive.  Those sorts of dreams are so enjoyable, but waking up and realizing that's all it was. . .ehhh, makes you want to sleep in, no?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/26/2004 12:47:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Away from Home on Turkey Day</b>

Ladies and gentlemen, there are several topics I wish to cover before I go to bed, and so I will outline them now: 

I.  On turkeys and cooking away from home
II.  There is no kid's table here
III.  Holidays are awesome and yet depressing

<b>On turkeys and cooking away from home</b>
First off, Sharon and I had a great time getting together our portions of our thanksgiving dinner in Madison.  Like life, there are so many things about preparing the t-day dinner that your parents never told you, and suddenly you are supposed to know how to do.  Like, say, cooking a turkey.  Seems simple enough, but there are all these little tricks and secrets about how to stuff it, how to keep it juicy, how to pray to the turkey gods it doesn't catch on fire or never thaw.  

I called mom during our preparations in the early afternoon with some turkey questions and managed to talk to all of my family. It was really nice, but bittersweet, because I could remember all the years I'd been there, all the times I'd taken dad's liver patte preparation for granted, and suddenly I needed to ask for that help.  I missed them and wished I could be both at home and still here all at once.  

<b>There is no kid's table here</b>
Sharon and I ended up having four people over for dinner--a party of six, which was really ideal for our apartment.  There were no relatives or kids of any kind, just six 20-somethings working like champs to get the table set and all those t-day staples cooked.  We took pictures of the full spread, and just relaxed and ate together and laughed and drank maybe too much wine.  We were all so full after a most delicious dinner that we took a walk to Sarah's and visited her cats, and then came back for delicious pie.  There is something to be said for spending a holiday with friends.  It was very stress free, and everyone pitched in to clean and such.  A very responsible and fun turkey day.  

<b>Holidays are awesome and yet depressing</b>
Oh man, this portion could go on forever if I let it, so I'm going to try not to get out of hand here. . . 

I love the holidays.  I love buying and getting gifts.  I love all the cooking and preparation.  I love getting to see my extended family and little cousins and my highschool friends and watching silly holiday specials.  The holidays are a chance to take stock of your life and be thankful for all your life has to offer you.  

That said, it's really that "take stock of things" portion of the holidays that make me sometimes just want to curl up and die a little.  Please do not get me wrong: there is alot that I look forward to this coming holiday season.  I have a great job/career track, I have so many wonderful friends here.  I love Madison--so full of things to do and genuinely decent people.  

But heck, you know where the hang-up I have is.  As a decent-looking, relatively pleasant girl the single world is my veritable oyster, yes?  So many boys and parties in the future!  That's pretty ok by me for the most part, but the holidays sometimes make me wish I was settled.  This certainly doesn't make me unique--as far as I can tell, being single during the holidays can be a very cold sort of hell.  

But last christmas was so hard.  I remember at one point wandering through Walmart, with all the christmas carols droning on and on, and just crying every other aisle, because things were really going badly for me and Dave and I was beginning to really know it.  I think mainly I'm not scared of being single, but (at this time of year) so mindful of the nice secure things I had with Dave.  


Ehhhh, I will certainly be alright.  I really did have a wonderful day, and it was well spent with wonderful friends.  I am so lucky to have them.  And lucky to have such a wonderful family.  I am lucky to have known so many wonderful people and loved more than one genuinely grand guy.  So thanks to whoever made that possible.  It's pretty awesome.   <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/23/2004 05:10:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Another edition of Alice-copying!</b>

I can't help it, she finds the best quiz-like introspective things, and this one was just easy enough to win me over:

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Old Navy jeans that are too big
2. copper-studded double-belt that is also too big, but I rigged it to be smaller
3. "Amber Romance" perfume

THREE THINGS YOU HAVE BOUGHT RECENTLY
1.  Coffee
2.  MST3k: Cave Dwellers (rented)
3.  Northern Exposure Mint Ice Cream

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1.  Picture of my dad playing the Penny Whistle
2.  3 seperate post-it note stacks
3.  A tube of special sand from the Dominican Republic

THREE THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
1.  Sleep, oh god yes, sleep
2.  "Family and Friends"
3.  Treats

THREE THINGS I WANNA DO BEFORE I DIE
1.  See the deep ocean in a sub!
2.  Get my PhD and be thoroughly independent
3.  Find, experience, and keep True Love

THREE GOOD WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1.  I always give everyone way to much credit
2.  I think *most* rules are there for a good reason
3.  I love to indulge

THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1.  Ukranian
2.  Dairy Farming
3.  Pioneers!

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1.  My cheekbones--great with stage makeup!
2.  My hair
3.  My eyes--green sometimes and wideset, makes me feel special everytime I need to adjust the microscope objectives to fit the spacing. 

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1.  I got the pale, dry skin that probably isn't going to age well . . .
2.  My belly
3.  My back keeps cracking, and that doesn't feel very good.

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1.  It takes me awhile to really trust a girl.
2.  I am allergic to Amoxicillin 
3.  I thoroughly enjoy all the things that folks don't know about me

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1.  That's totally understandable
2.  I'm sorry!
3.  Beefs!

THREE PLACES I WANNA GO
1.  Disney's Wild Animal Kingdom
2.  The Caribbean
3.  Greece

THREE NAMES I GO BY
1.  Amber
2.  Miss Amber
3.  Newt

THREE SCREENNAMES I'VE HAD
1.  Red M&M
2.  Auryn31
3.  ForeverNewt

THREE THINGS I WISH I NEVER DID
1.  Date that one jerk drummer from youth orchestra
2.  Worry so much about doing something right that I don't do it at all
3.  Listen to myself too much and not enough to others

THREE REASONS I TOOK THIS SURVEY
1.  I like introspection
2.  I like Alice!
3.  I'm waiting for squid to hatch, seriously.
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/21/2004 04:46:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The benefits of getting up too early on a Sunday</b>

I woke up this Sunday morning at 8:30AM. This may not seem odd, but trust me, I am a champion sleep-in'er. I also had been up till 1:30AM last night, necessarily drunk--because I have taken a personal vow to never ever EVER sing Kareoke unless drunk. And I am a woman of honor, and cannot break this vow. I helped sing "Yellow Submarine" and "Country Roads" (duh, I'm from West Virginia), and led "Black Water"--although the key was totally different and that messed me up.

But hey, I drank lots of water, took 2 aspirin, and slept the night away. I woke up early in the name of science: I've been running some preliminary squid experiments over the weekend, and needed to take my squid out of the machine I had them in. It was good that I did this practice run, because certainly alot of things went wrong, and next time I will do alot better. Finally, I'm making progress towards some actual science research.

May I extoll the virtues of driving in a college town early on a Sunday? Barely anyone around, anywhere. However, that meant I had to work that much harder to go the speed limit. Driving around Madison to lab and back home again was lovely. Just very lovely.

I also made the best omellete I have ever made in my entire life. Why today, I do not know.  But it was pretty magical: it slipped right off the pan, completely free of burns.  Complete with sauteed onions and mushrooms. 

So, here we go: Thanksgiving is coming and it will be the first one I have spent away from home.  It's clear already mom is sad about it, and I am too sometimes.  But I am enjoying how the town quiets down, and how empty the lab is.  Sharon and I will be hosting a Thanksgiving dinner, so it will still be grand!
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/19/2004 04:45:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Squid Stays in the Picture!</b>

You know, I think really our lab often rides the press-coattails of the McFall-Ngai lab.  Everyone loves a cute lil' squid, including <a href="http://weblog.herald.com/column/davebarry/archives/014482.html#014482">Dave Barry</a>.  So in some ways, we here in the Ruby lab become all the more famous! 
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/18/2004 12:03:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Very foggy and warm, eh?</b>

First off, I wanted to announce that essayist Stephen Jay Gould is so awesome I want to hug him.  At least, his essays are.  I highly recommend them.  Anyone who can write an essay called "The Four Antelope of the Apocolypse" is pretty cool, for one thing.  

This week seems underlying-ly stressful.  I mean, I haven't had much to actually do, but I feel the looming grumbling in the deep trenches of my tummy.  I also haven't in general been feeling especially well.  Maybe it's coming down from my five-coffee Friday (due to ASM) or toxins released into my bloodstream from that lovely, lovely massage.  Or maybe it's just getting near the holidays and I'm not going home and I'm out of money already.  These are not insurmountable problems, but they are the problems I face right now.  

Not to get freaking Caroline-in-the-city-Bridgette-Jones on you, but I kindof want to try to remember how long I've remained single in between relationships.  I know that ever since boy one it hasn't been too long.  I think maybe for the first time, in maybe as long as I can remember, I'm just living life and not as a boy-addict.  Do I think about boys?  Absolutely.  Maybe just half as much.  I think it's mostly because I'm busier and have more friends and ways to spend my time now than I did in highschool and college. Not to mislead you though, because man, I still think about boys waaaay too much, at least, I should cut back when trying to focus on science.   

I am nauseated by how cliched this probably all sounds, and also that likely this isn't very inspiring or intriguing.  I'm wondering what it would be like to maneuver a holiday season as single.  I haven't done that for likely 5-6 years.  The holidays can be a really lame time to be single or unhappy, depending on what holiday parties you attend.  But maybe that's life in general, just with really repetitive songs.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/18/2004 12:03:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Very foggy and warm, eh?</b>

First off, I wanted to announce that essayist Stephen Jay Gould is so awesome I want to hug him.  At least, his essays are.  I highly recommend them.  Anyone who can write an essay called "The Four Antelope of the Apocolypse" is pretty cool, for one thing.  

This week seems underlying-ly stressful.  I mean, I haven't had much to actually do, but I feel the looming grumbling in the deep trenches of my tummy.  I also haven't in general been feeling especially well.  Maybe it's coming down from my five-coffee Friday (due to ASM) or toxins released into my bloodstream from that lovely, lovely massage.  Or maybe it's just getting near the holidays and I'm not going home and I'm out of money already.  These are not insurmountable problems, but they are the problems I face right now.  

Not to get freaking Caroline-in-the-city-Bridgette-Jones on you, but I kindof want to try to remember how long I've remained single in between relationships.  I know that ever since boy one it hasn't been too long.  I think maybe for the first time, in maybe as long as I can remember, I'm just living life and not as a boy-addict.  Do I think about boys?  Absolutely.  Maybe just half as much.  I think it's mostly because I'm busier and have more friends and ways to spend my time now than I did in highschool and college.  

I am nauseated by how cliched this probably all sounds, and also that likely this isn't very inspiring or intriguing.  I'm wondering what it would be like to maneuver a holiday season as single.  I haven't done that for likely 5-6 years.  The holidays can be a really lame time to be single or unhappy, depending on what holiday parties you attend.  But maybe that's life in general, just with really repetitive songs.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/15/2004 01:03:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Living life requires alot of deep breathing</b>

Admittedly, that's something I'm usually really crappy at.  Sometimes--especially when I'm sitting around doing not much--I worry that I never breathe all that deeply.  But then that usually makes me do it at least once, so maybe it's not so bad.  

This weekend has required a margin of deep breathing, for sure.  For one thing, that darn ASM conference nearly wiped me out for the whole weekend.  Along that vein, hearing about everyone's great and interesting results made me slightly panic, because I have very little if any data of my own, and how many months has it been?  I am trying to overcome my lack of strong experience with anything but cloning.  I have so much to learn, it's making it hard to get any worthwile science done.  But really, the worst thing that happens is that I don't have an abstract to submit for ASM, and Ned is dissapointed in me.  Ok, that would be pretty devastating, but I'm trying to channel this fear and hyperventilation into getting an experiment working this week, and getting up the nerve to ask for help in making some mutants.  

In other news, I had to take several VERY deep breaths to finally be able to tell Dave that I wish him the best in finding a nice girl to settle down with.  I will not lie to you, saying that to him made my stomach all squelchy and panicky, but I did mean it.  It just requires alot of deep, deep breaths--it has taken me nearly a year to get to this point, and I'm really proud of myself.  I may feel mild dread, but I can rise above that.  

On the bright side of things, I got a full swedish body massage today--all in the name of homework!  One of my friend's friends--whom I also consider a friend--is learning to become a masseuse (spelling!?) and needs to log in a certain number of hours for her program.  Although I don't think I could ever justify the expense of getting regular massages, I must say it was so wonderful and needed.  I left with a legitimate glow about me, I think.  It is a good way to start off a new week.  

Have a lovely week everyone!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/13/2004 01:53:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>And lo, the weekend that was not a weekend appeared .  .  . </b>

I spent nearly my entire Friday at the local branch ASM (American Society for Microbiology) conference from 8:30AM to 9:30PM, and then once again this saturday from 9AM to Noon.  I heard some really wonderful talks, and got alot of cool, scientific ideas.  Futhermore, I was happy with myself for being able to pay attention a little bit more than last year--that margin of focus is due I think to getting a little less confused with microbiology.  What was really nice, I think, was getting to spend a little time with Sarah and Andy--at least I had someone to write notes to when the talks were not so good. 

Unfortuantely, I am pretty freaking tired.  I've tried increasing my coffee dosage to combat this, but now I feel pretty burned out.  But it's ok, because I'll just make tomorrow as sleep-in and fun as possible. 

I've been trying to play Silent Hill 4: The Room, but I find it maybe too scary.  SO it's actually really an awesome game, but I keep thinking it's going to prevent me from going down into the basement to do my laundry because I'll be too scared--and I  have trouble doing laundry as it is. 
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/10/2004 04:18:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Inspiration, Codename Alice</b>

Oh my, once again dear Alice's entry makes me want to write one similar to it.  Today, I was captivated by Alice's release of her dream job ideas for the last couple of months.  I realized I haven't really thought about that since perhaps highschool.  So  I thought, heck, why not take five minutes and see what comes to mind?

1.  If this were the grand future, it would be ship scientist or ship captain.  Off with a team of cool but down-to-earth people out in space, investigating the unknown.  YES, the metaphorical nature of this, comparing it to working in a lab is a bit heavy handed, but whatever.  

2.  Journalist on one of the long-term research vessels of an Oceanographic Institute.  Go from port-to-port, spend my time with all levels and kinds of people.  Quiet moments alone at sea, elements of danger and discovery. . . 

Crap, I should go catch my bus.  I'd love to have a job that requires working with people, travel, mediation, and geekiness.  And really the ocean would be awesome.

P.S. Halo 2 is pretty awesome, although not more awesome than the original<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/08/2004 05:17:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Wrong Shui Rocks My World</b>

It really does.  If you ever need a great gift for someone, that book is it.  For instance:

Master Eu say: "If you only get out of life what you put into it, why not just keep it for yourself and save the extra time and energy?"

Also, there was something about Master Eu scraping the mold off the scotch egg he was mentoring.  .  . Anyway, it inspired me to put together a collection of portents that may be profound and define my future.  Maybe. 

1)  I have I think a minimum of four paintings showing waves crashing on the beach, and none of them are hung up.  Furthermore, I have recently aquired old photographs of me that I haven't framed yet.

2)  Halo-fucking-2 is emerging at midnight, and The Ring 2 is coming soon.

3)  I nearly ran over a really pissed off girl today on University Avenue, because I was looking to the left (University avenue at 5PM is freaking insane and I needed a window to speed out into oncoming traffic)  and she decided to cross in front of me from the right.  Also, the Great Lakes Driving School Instructor used my car as part of a lesson on parallel parking. 

4)  A police officer offered to handcuff my roommate to a post at the Farmer's Market.  A piece of popcorn thrown at my face landed inside my shirt. 

What does it all mean!?
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/08/2004 12:08:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Monday again? wha-what?</b>

I know, people are always saying that the days go by faster and faster as you get older. . . but damn, this weekend went by so very very fast.  Really, the days in general are so blurry.  I don't spend much time at home at all, so maybe that's part of it.  

The astrology site is spouting something or other about Saturn retrograding from now until March and all the big, dramatic things that is likely to cause.  I'm not entirely convinced they are wrong.  Sure, we make our own drama--but there seems to continually be more than enough going around.  But I guess if I've made it this far, I can likely keep going and survive, so oh well . . .

I think maybe the highlight of my weekend was doing the corn maze out in Lodi, WI this weekend.  It was grand for three reasons: 

1.  It got me (and Chris too) out into the country, and while I think both of us enjoy the city of Madison, it feels so undeniably good to get out in farmland again.  It was warm, quiet, and starry.  There is something just so very calming and cleansing about being out there.  

2.  We had a team of four in our group, attempting to find all the hidden locations in the corn maze.  We enjoyed the quiet, and methodically went through the whole thing and found all 8 locations.  Therefore we are awesome, and got a bag of popcorn each as a prize.

3.  Indeed, there are mystical healing properties you benefit from when working through a maize on a quiet fall night with good friends.  It was just so good on the most base of levels.  

So another week approaches. . . I'm not typically a praying girl, but I think maybe I'd like to ask for some measure of wisdom and determination to keep me going with friends and happiness intact.  As we move downward into the final weeks of the semester (don't deny they will be here shortly) Things can only get more interesting.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/04/2004 08:33:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Workin' for the weekend</b>

Alright, alright, I'm taking down the Amber-is-depressed alert from plaid to pink with little frilly fringes.  I'm feeling a bit better, although I've got an exam today . . . and it's RAINY AND COLD. 

Dreams for the last two nights have included zombies and a little girl dressed up like a liquor bottle from a hotel minibar.  yay?

Starting in on a Shadowrun campaign as well, and it looks promising.  Amber likes her cyberpunk. 

Ok, off to study and drink coffee
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/03/2004 12:20:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Here I go again</b>

Requisite depressive spell.  Worst in the morning and at night--times when it's dark and I get to be reminded that I need to spend them alone.  I'm not meaning to be all self-pitying, but that's where I am, and just need to type it for awhile.  

I need to somehow make myself just be single for awhile.  Having to list all the reasons I had to break up, it was pretty clear to me that I balk at long-term commitment.  I'm happy to be with someone who likes having me around, but the minute they start looking like they are making plans--like I always want to to--I freak out and realize I need out before I spend more years of my life trying to talk myself out of being a jerk.  I mean, my reasons were more than that, but it kept coming up.  I don't think it is wrong of me to want to have someone who loves and cares about me, but it's not right for me to be untrusting enough to reciprocate those things.  Few people deserve that sort of treatment.  

Monday night, I cried for a long time on Sharon's shoulder, with the tired mantra of "I'm so tired.  I just want to be better. It's too much.  I don't want to deal with it any more."  And yeah, it's my own fault for continually wanting to be with someone rather than be all by myself.  I hate this part so much.  More than that, I hate hurting Ben, and I hate knowing that I need to get out but at the same time wishing I could be that person that stays.  

But hey, I'll get better.  This is just the time that has to suck.  Another set of happy endings has to be put on a shelf, and I enter another span of time where I fight this choking fear of being set up for a life of boy-islands with no final place I'm ever going to be happy living.  That's what I'm scared of.  Not that I'll be alone because I can't find anyone, but because I haven't found a way to be happy--and in the process I embitter a line of beautiful, intriguing guys who just wanted to spend time with me.  That scares me.  Depresses me.  

That, and this fucking election. . . <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/02/2004 12:53:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sometimes, a conscience is the last thing you want</b>

I don't know how many tomes of poems and discourses exist on the topic of the human conscience.  But I'm pretty sure they get around, at some point or another, to covering what I wish I could convey well, and that is that caring about other people can lead to hurting them, and subsequently hurting you--and what a conundrum that is.  Me saying anything more than that would be trite.

It's been a heavy weekend and Monday.  I'm really really really tired, and I feel like I've stretched myself too thin.  I hope that by the next weekend, I've confronted what I've needed to confront, and mended what has needed mended.  Thank you for reading my ambiguous entry.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/24/2004 08:18:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>OH so cranky, but a good weekend despite it</b>

As I have passed on from college and under-21-ness and into the realms of adulthood--where drugs of all kinds are more prevalent all around me--it intrigues me that some of the most mood-altering substances I've ever experienced are the home-grown, hormonal variety. I remember several cloudy years between jr. high and sr. high were I was legitimately not behind the wheel when it came to what I said or how I acted. Being a teenager stewed in hormones and confusion was a lesson in diplomacy, when you finally got control of yourself.

Thankfully, I now have wonderful things like caffiene to keep me awake and somewhat in control of my perkiness (aka, maybe a bit earlier). And that biological craziness has, overall, calmed down. But oh man, today was just a REALLY REALLY cranky day.

It started off quite pleasant--one of those slow-wake-up sundays, and I had the afternoon clear to do just whatever. These sorts of sundays are a luxury that is slowly dwindling. So I decided Ben and I should walk over to State Street and grab some coffee and see if the gaming store was open and get stupid card games.

Weeell, I forgot that I really don't like the gaming store on state street. It's so small that the minute you walk in the door you're practically face-to-face with the owner. Moreover, because of the limited space they only carry what they can sell really well, so alot of the cool and quirky games from smaller companies just aren't there (read: the games I want aren't there). And finally, I've got clerk issues. I know people are just doing their job, and I bet it's a sucky job the majority of the time. But I HATE OH SO MUCH clerks that hover around and listen in on your conversations every time you comment on one of their products and fire back with some pitch or argument. I like to shop in peace--and believe me: it's likely I will give you money if you leave me the hell alone!

So yeah, I was getting increasingly irrate in the store. And then the clerk turned up the music, and it was really crappy girl-pop music. And Ben wanted to buy two card games and I only wanted one. But I wasn't sure if he wanted me to pitch in for both or what, so I ended up snapping at him that I was NOT paying for two card games, and that I did NOT want two card games. Thankfully, we got out of there, but arguments ensued. I went to Einstein bros. bagels to get a sandwhich, and waiting in line I realized I really hated the people working there too. The whole place was crammed full of 18-20somethings. I was a bit scared at how much I missed old people. Cranky cranky cranky. We walked home, I stayed cranky. We worked to understand how to play the Legend of the Five Rings card game (which looks pretty awesome, but is pretty darn complicated when you are learning directly from the rule-tome). More crankiness. . . .. ehhhh cranky!

Well, I'm feeling better now. And actually, while being cranky sucks, it's kindof cool to be able to BE cranky. In my house, if you were cranky Dad wanted to know why, because that somehow was a problem. Mom ranged widely from extreme cheery to shriekin' mad, sometimes with little time in between. But it just feels so adult and honest to be pissed off. To not be afraid to argue and be a bitch. It's a transition in my life that is tangible, and I am really--somehow--proud of, even if I'm behind the times compared to other folks.
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/22/2004 07:58:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>My face is all rocked off</b>

This is just so cool I can't help but share it: 
http://dungeonmajesty.com/DMlowres.html
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/20/2004 12:28:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Making great strides in ridiculous things . .  .</b>

Several achievements I wish to award gold stars now: 

1.  I have an awesome coat (Alice!).  It's maroon and thin-wale courderoy (how DO you spell that?!) with stencil-like embroidery on the cuffs and back, and it's knee length.  I got it for 17 dollars and it fits perfectly and I get at least one compliment a day when I wear it.  Today some lady in the checkout line told me she liked it, and after our conversation I'm wondering why Marshall's and St. Vinnie's aren't giving me commissions for all the damn publicity I give them.  

2.  Though I was very cranky on Sunday morning (no coffee), I had a very nice afternoon with Ben which included walking to the library on a TRULY lovely fall day and checking out all the cool books there, and then going home and making steaks on the George Foreman grill and mashed potatoes boiling in the bag.  And instead of going downstairs to meet his neighbors, I curled up in the blanket and took a nap.  I don't know, it doesn't seem like much, but it was just so delightful and relaxing, and I got to talk to Ben, which is more delightful still.

3.  I went to a different fitness class, embarassingly titled "Hip Hop Mania" which turned out to not only be really fun, but also to be far superior to that damn cardio class.  We were all far too white do be dancing hip-hop, we ladies, but we laughed and laughed at that fact, and now today I feel like an 80 year old because of all the sore muscles, but I'll go again soon I think.  Bonus points for spending time with grad students I don't see often.

4.  I was starting to get QUITE panicky about not doing much in lab (I have ideas for experiments, but most of the techniques involved are new to me, so I don't even know where to begin).  After some stressing, I just made myself e-mail one of the post-docs in the lab to see if I could pick her brain a bit, and so we're scheduled to work a bit wednesday afternoon on exciting things!  Science in action!

5.  Yes, I love me.  And one of my favorite things about getting to hang out in my brain is that I continually want to find a way to enjoy even lame things.  I rented Blair Witch Project 2: Book of Shadows.  Yes, I know it's supposed to be crap.  And the initial 30 minutes of it were utterly hilarious.  But I must admit, the situations got to me and I found the ending pretty novel.  I think it suffered from being compared to the original, which was a completely different format (and sublimely awesome).  I also really appreciated that they never flinched from violence.  Seriously, if you you're going to show people being ritualistically sacrificed, you really ought to show it.  The movie got its edge near the middle, and kept it decently.  Also, a non-annoying goth girl was pretty unexpected.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/15/2004 12:07:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>An enriching day</b>

Ick, that's kindof a lame title.  But really. Seriously.  A nice day for Amber.  Not fantastic by any means, but I'll take it.  

I thought what I had written for my book report the night before was crap.  I woke up and read it and realized it was actually pretty decent, and managed to get the paper done at 9:30AM with class at 9:55AM. I had lab meeting and went to a seminar, and then scurried away to the SERF for a cardio class.  

Because see, I needed it.  I'm not sleeping well lately (probably in part because we have a coffee maker in the lab now . . .) and while I think that I carry myself most confidently and happily now as compared to my highschool days, I am out of shape, and my clothes continue to fit less and less well.  

<b>FITNESS CLASS RANT</b>
Anyway, I thought I was attending the regular cardio class, but in hindsight I began to realize--as we continued the cardio portion of the class 15 minutes longer than I'm used to, and with only one break--that I had walked in to the "Cardio Plus" class.  Initially, it was great fun and I realized as inane as repeated hoppy motions to ramped-up pop music are. . . I really enjoy it and don't get too awfully lost.  

However, the "Plus" aspect of the class sucked.  The instructor gave only one water break nearly at the end of class, and continually gave the indication we were on the last repition and then would call out for another--there was no good way to pace yourself.  Also, the stretch and toning portion was ill-concieved for multiple levels of fitness.  There were no actual crunches but instead all hardcore crunchlike activities that I always have to do with my knees because I'm still a wuss.  I guess that's what I get, but damnit I wanted my old accessible cardio back!

But after I cooled off and got off the bus, I was able to purchase dinner at Whole Foods and walk home on a nice, typically crisp fall evening.  It took me a while, but I was finally able to work out most of the lyrics to one of the two halloween songs I remember from 5th Grade, and sang about haunted houses and cats and bats and witches keeping skeletons in stitches on the way home.  

It was a fabulous evening, even if my shower didn't really have hot water.  I ate my delicious garlicky, tomatoe-y seafood soup and watched labor party riots on Babylon 5, and then drove over to one of the 1st year MDTP student's apartment for TEAN (Thursday Evening at Nine)--it's a movie night that I think Rose and Heather cooked up.  So I finally got to see Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn, which was actually thoroughly delightful.  I also got the chance to hang out with new people in a non-stressful manner, and that's a rare thing.  

So here I am, very awake and typing instead of cleaning up my room.  And it's Friday! <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/14/2004 12:43:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Book Report?</b>

I'm procrastinating!  I've read all my stuff to do this book report, but I'm not super-psyched to do said book report.  Thank god I spent many years of highschool and college churning out works such as these.  I'm trying to free-write it tonight (4 pages double-spaced, mostly summarization), and then scan it tomorrow.  I need to be decent about it, because I really did not do well on the first test, and need to keep a B average and whatnot.  

Weekend is almost here again.  Plans so far are a pumpkin carving party on Saturday night, as well as perhaps a champagne party being thrown by our neighbors downstairs.  

In other news: I somehow managed to beat out the dancin' bald guy at The Cardinal for a photo in one of the local newspapers (Coreweekly).  It's not the most awesome picture, but it's kindof cool to have a picture in the "social scene" section.  I'll take what I can get :)

I love fall so much.  It's so spooky, and lovely with all the leaves falling about.  I love my neighborhood too, because it's got a bit of horror-movie suburb/ Sunnydale feel to it, but is much older and hipper.  The air just smells fantastic.  I LOVE FALL!!!

Finally, Babylon 5 is just darn good.  And apparently Forever Night is on DVD, as is Millenium. . . if only they'd come out with Brimstone on DVD, I'd have all too many television series to blow my cash on.  

ok back to work!  HELP!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/12/2004 07:23:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>And lo, the creature shall emerge from beneath the earth, ready to do battle and eat villagers. . . </b>

Do you know what is cool about October?  You can talk like Alice Cooper or some high priest from Ghoulies and it's as near to acceptable as it ever will be.  Also, Halloween is approaching and I have offered to be captain or co-captain of a mission to State Street Halloween Festivities.  So far, the mission is called SSAC, for State Street Clusterf***

It's going to be QUITE the adventure.  

Well, I finished my committee meeting, and it went so freaking wonderfully I keep wondering if I actually did it or not.  I didn't know everything, but it was the smoothest science presentation I've ever given, and I could hear myself talking all poised and scientific-like.  Now of course, I'm fighting to switch gears between having a powerpoint presentation to doing actual research. . .also I have to do a book report on a book on Protein Folding, and certainly it's not the intriguing read I was hoping for.  

In celebration, I got nicely drunk on 5 red stripes Friday night, went on an epic shopping trip with Sharon and Sarah on Saturday afternoon, followed by a cheese party and more drinking Saturday night at Ben's.  Sunday I spent watching that Sure Thing movie with John Cusack (admittedly favorite 80's male actor).  Those are the highlights folks.

I also need to call back Sam--so everyone smack me around if I continue to forget, because it's lame of me.  

Finally, I got 20 bucks worth of new comics at Westfield Comics, including the unexpected new issue of NYX.  It continues to be awesome, as does Conan.  I'm trying Sylvia Faust, but am unimpressed so far.  OH, and Astonishing X-Men rocks my face pretty hard.  

Ok, enough procrastinating.  I must dry off and read dry literature. . . <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/05/2004 10:04:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Lull</b>

So, taking Alice's lead I've started writing a paper journal again.  There are just alot of things that can't ever go on this weblog.  I can tell you all about my day and such, but if something is really upsetting me, or really making life awesome, there's only so much of it I can discuss online with the world (albeit the small bit of the world that reads it).  

Anyway: paper journal.  It mainly prevents any of you from having to deal with my weirder dreams and morning poetry.  I think in general that's something to be thankful for.  It also gives me that "air of mystery" on the bus--it was pretty cool to be "girl who reads The Watchmen" and who can forget "girl who reads Harry Potter books"?  Now I'm that random scribbler in the corner that I have been in the past.  

So I've been recording me and my thoughts on paper.  It got me to thinking about poetry, and other forms of expression, and my pursuit of getting my life framed in it.  I've been on stage, I've been photographed, I've been put into a poem or two, and even lately I've made my way into a song.  All I do is write, so I've written poems and general scrawlings about lots of people (especially of past loves and whatnot).  I think it's one of the most intriguing things that humans do to one another: find ways to frame our perspectives of eachother.  And I like seeing how other people frame me.  In part, it's vanity.  But it's also in getting to see how other people see me.  Maybe it's the same for you?

This week is such a contrast to last week. I have the whole day to work on my presentation, so at night I mainly have to wrestle to get myself to bed at a decent hour--like I'm doing now.  My commitee meeting is on Friday.  Tomorrow is my big, open day for working on everything and tying up loose ends.  Thursday is my "practice my talk" day.  Friday I have to get refreshments and everything set up, run through my talk some more, and then just give it.  Life doesn't get 100% stress free after that, but I'll have directions to go with my research, and a book report due on Tuesday (but I'll have time to read those chapters on Sunday, right?).  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/02/2004 01:08:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Strung out</b>

I am currently making a mental note to never ever ever ever take benadryl again.  I think it doesn't like me much.  I took some last night to help me with my sinus problems, and I woke up this morning feeling rather strung out indeed.  My heart kept beating so hard and fast I thought it was going to bust out of my chest and splat on the wall.  I'm still feeling a little light and transparent from it.  

Well, this week has been a really rewarding week, but it's come at the price of alot of working--no suprise there I guess.  My practice committee meeting talk that I gave to my lab went really well.  I mean, I could have presented more smoothly, but I got so many great suggestions for research and ways to organize my talk and whatnot.  And I wrote my research proposal for the thesis committee in perhaps three hours total.  I wrote thursday night from midnight till 1:30AM, and then this morning from 10AM to noon.  I've spent so much time trying to formulate my talk tha the written thing came so freaking easily. . . 

I'm really proud of myself.  I haven't freaked out--I seem to be ok with not knowing things and getting corrected every five minutes.  I hunkered down and worked hard this week, and as a result I'm close to being ready for my meeting next Friday. YAY!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/30/2004 12:45:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>When you need a distraction. . . </b>

Oh man, I just needed a break from all these science-like things.  Too many amino acids, too much talking on a sore throat . . . Anyway, I just wanted to say that if you get bored, I'd really recommend going to OkCupid.com.  It's run by the folks who did TheSpark back in my undergrad days, and man it was hilarious then, and still is now.  And frankly, though it sounds like a place to find a date (and obviously can be) it's also got fun quizzes, and you can actually make friends with people from the area.  What the hell, am I writing some sort of commercial here?

<table cellspacing=1 bgcolor=#003300 cellpadding=0 border=0><tr><td><table cellpadding=3 cellspacing=0 border=0 width=100%><tr><td bgcolor=#009900 align=center><font face=verdana size=1 color=#ffffff><a href='http://www.okcupid.com'><font color=#ffffff>OkCupid</font></a> probed me.</font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor=#006600 style='padding-left:5px; color:#cceecc; font-size:7pt;'>I, <a href='http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=9808751933348268779'><font color=#cceecc>AmberDamber</font></a>, am:<br>     <b>hornier</b>,<br>     <b>less old-fashioned</b>,<br>     <b>less loving</b>,<br>     <b>kinkier</b>,<br>     <b>less organized</b>,<br>     <b>more progressive</b><br>      and <b>more independent</b><br>than most.<br></td></tr></table></td></tr></table>

<table  cellspacing=1 border=0 cellpadding=0 bgcolor=blue><tr><td><a href='http://www.okcupid.com' id=persRGSDf><img src=http://is0.okcupid.com/graphics/awards/RGSDf.gif border=0 width=100 height=150 alt='Cupid - Free Online Dating and Match' onMouseover='document.getElementById("persRGSDf").href="http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=RGSD&g=2&o=1";this.alt=""'></a></td></tr></table><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/28/2004 05:06:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Into hiding. . .</b>

Oh man, clearly I should have had better foresight to see what kind of week this was going to be.  Basically, nothing happens until Thursday, but ON thursday I need to:

1.  Be able to draw all nucleic acids and base pairs, all amino acids and side chains, have the single letter codes for both memorized . . . not to mention actually remember all the stuff from all my notes for my Sequence Analysis exam. 

2.  Have snacks and self prepared for a run-through of my commitee meeting talk with the folks from my lab.  This has the benefit of making me be somewhat ready a week and a day in advance of the real thing, and involves really awesome friendly lab folk.  However, combine this with #1 task and. . .

3.  Need to get a final copy of my research proposal (really only 1.5 pages single spaced to brief my committee about my project before they come see my actual presentation) done and off to my committee by Friday. 

Overall, I have an exam, a presentation, and a writing assignment all done by the end of the week, and to prioritize among them is difficult. 

And to top it all off, my sinuses seem very upset by the recent change to dry weather.

HOWEVER!  I'm really excited about my project.  I'm really excited to get to pick the brains of my committee about what classes to take, who my fifth member of the committee should be, and generally get their insights into my project and maybe where I can take it.  I need to cut out SO much of the presentation--it could easily be a half an hour, and it really should be more like 20 minutes.  I'm thinking lots of supplemental slides at the end so if people have questions, I will have the extra slides ready so as to be awesome.  I am learning the art of presenting only a top fraction of what I know, so that I have alot left that I know and have ready to tell them when they ask. 

I swear I'm not nervous!

It is amazing that even though I'm worried about not being prepared, on some level I am accepting the fact that I can't know everything about my project yet.  I've been thinking about it, but if I knew everything and had a handle on everything, why would I need several years of rsearch and coursework?  I AM LEARNING.  THERE ARE THINGS I DO NOT KNOW. 

Anyway, I'm nervous, and likely about to go down into some serious work without fun.  I will emerge on Friday at some point, and the weekend should actually be really nice.  I need to read papers and settle some questions about my presentation, and practice throughout next week, but by then it should be awesome.  OK! off I go . . .
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/24/2004 12:32:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Like groovy trumpets from the heavens, yeah.</b>

I finished my presentation outline on wednesday, and today Ned said it was really a great thing to do and that I really didn't have anything to worry about for my committee meeting.  Now, while I know that really I still have alot of work to do to get this thing ready, and that I have a great talent for appearing well-organized when in fact I'm still weakly informed beneath it all--it still made me feel pretty awesome to hear that.  I admittedly live for approval.  

Life is otherwise doing well.  Sharon and I hosted a dinner and a movie night--Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  I'm soo head-over-heels for the Harry Potter series.  It just combines that distinct British feel of the Chronicles of Narnia with that irrepressable joy-to-read youth novel "So You Want To Be a Wizard?"  

Sometimes I've wished so hard that I could do magic.  Admittedly, sometimes molecular biology seems like magic: playing with DNA to create new organisms . . . well that sounds hokey, but maybe you see what I'm getting at.  I think partly I've always liked wizardry because it was a practice of incantations and secret patterns that opened up the universe to your control.  Well, that and you can talk to desks and such.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/22/2004 12:33:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Upswing upswing!</b>

Well, I'm definitely feeling alot better, a day or two removed from the weekend. I wanted to make sure I thanked everyone who checked in to see how I was doing, or just offered anything near the phrase "hey, I care how you're doing, and I hope you feel better."  

It's so amazing how much more powerful that can be than attempting to solve a person's problem.  

I'm probably going to be doing this up-and-down thing as I get ready for baby's first thesis committee meeting.  I've got a complete outline of my presentation--gotta run it past Ned in the morning.  I keep telling myself I'm on schedule and have plenty of time to get fully prepared.  This is important to do because if I feel I'm not on track, I may just panic and then I'll get less work done because it will be filled with anxiety.  

I really like my topic though!  "How bacteria stick to things" would be the big general topic, and "how does being sticky help my bacteria live in symbiosis with the squid?" would be the more specific topic.  I've found that I work best with recursive outline-writing.  I just keep writing outlines, and I throw them away and don't look at them again, and then I write a newer, hopefully better one.  We'll see how it goes.  

I just had a stunningly nice evening.  I microwaved some miso soup and watched the original Dawn of the Dead while trying to sew my skirt (How-to-Sew Book Project #3).  Either activity on its own wouldn't have been very exciting, but together there was just this pleasing synergy of mindless busy work and mindless zombies shambling around the mall.  That movie is pretty hilarious, even if the director is trying to make some social commentary along with it.  

On the homefront, West Virginia is getting totally flooded.  Ok, at least Wheeling, WV is.  Fortunately, my family lives up on a ridge, so they are sittin' pretty with electricity and running water and whatnot.  Yay for living uphill!

Ok, I need to go to bed.  Tomorrow is a big, open day for working on the committee thing.  I want to have this well in hand before the weekend hits. . . . Thanks again to all the nice people out there--you made it easy to get happy again.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/19/2004 01:56:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Things They Don't Tell You</b>

Lately, I've found myself complaining more and more along the theme of "I have too many social events to attend, too many people who want to spend time with me."

And I find myself thinking, what sort of ridiculous person am I?  I've spent whole years of my life without close friends, not trusting my family or having anything better to do than walk to the video store or clean my room.  I've gone on and on, trying to be likeable and make everyone happy, because wasn't that the way to BE happy?  

Lately, it's clear it isn't.  

You know, your parents tell you all sorts of things about growing up, like how you can do anything you set your mind to, that you'll have to make your own decisions and be responsible for yourself.  All sorts of general growing up things that we've heard for years.  But there is one thing that--now--I can clearly see they left out: growing up involves losing great people from your life.  You will invest yourself in people and places, and inevitably have to let them go because you're not done growing yet.  This isn't something bad or good. . .it's just life, but nobody ever explained it to me.  Maybe nobody can.  One of those damn life-lessons you can only learn through awkward steps and crashes.  

This weekend really hasn't been all that good.  I mean, there have been good parts, actually really good parts.  But it's that spinning, where-am-I-going-really sort of feeling that I'm left with.  

I'm not happy right now.  And I've got to learn from what I've seen in other people, that really no person or location can fix that.  It's so stupid and cliche, which makes it all the worse that it's actually true.  

I wish there was something constructive about this entry.  It makes me feel better to have typed it, but I know that its going to sound trite and self-important--that is sometimes exactly who I am.  This is the bad side of Leo.  You'll read paragraphs upon paragraphs about how grand, stylish, loyal, and likeable leos are.  But rarely to you read about the other side of the coin: all the people you step on--especially the ones you care about, all the times you're so busy looking inside yourself that you miss what's going on around you.  The jealousy, the envy. . . Worst of all, the way you assure yourself that if you just groomed a little better, just opened yourself up a little more, that you would be happy. 

But things will get better.  Life is never one thing for long, so I bet by next week I'll be skipping around gleeful about something.  Just right now, things aren't so good.  A hug would be nice.

<b>Soundtrack to Right Now:</b>Hurt, Trent Reznor (covered by Johnny Cash).  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/16/2004 12:26:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Do I wield within me some great power?</b>

Man, it must be going to the comic book store that makes titles like that possible.  First off, Westfield Comics is absolutely awesome and everyone in the Madison area should be giving them their money in exchange for comics and comic-related items.  But if the cashier gives you guff about not signing the back of your credit card, steal his pen or something.  That cashier always plays Christina Aguilera or Madonna music in the store anyway.  One of the many mysteries of the universe.

Another is that soon after arranging my ponytail in the bathroom mirror, I turned and watched my cell phone clatter on the ground, and found the screen blank.  

Now, there are some appliances I can deal without.  When my laptop acts funky, I can use another computer.  When the cable is gone, I can play video games.  But man, once you have a cell phone, the idea of not having one just makes life tedious.  So, this depressed me SO greatly.  So I left it at home.

After being out for awhile, I came home, pulled my car in the garage, and hit the remote to close the door. . . the door would begin to come down, stop and then go back up.  I got to enjoy about five minutes of standing in my driveway, pushing the button and hoping THIS time the door would go.  Thinking of all those bikes and cars in the garage, open to the elements all night. . . I began to despair.  I sighed, shrugged, and said "Man, I JUST want to go to bed."  

Suddenly, the door rattled down fully into the closed position.  Pretty goddamn magical, if you ask me. 

Back into the apartment, I decided that the cell phone had no visible injuries, just a blank screen.  So I took out the battery, looked at it, and put it back in.  Unscrewed the antenna, and put it back in.  Turned on the phone, and suddenly now it works.  No stupid trip to the mall to wrangle a repair or entirely new phone out of people who really want and/or need as much of my money as they can get.  

So here I am, pondering the imaginable signficance of today's challenges.  You and I both can chooose from a couple charming lessons I've come up with: 

1.  Like Timmy Hall in 6th grade, mechanical appliances love to give me a hard time until they get bored, and move on to getting into fights at recess instead.  

2.  This week, the stars have decided to mess with my brain.  They've given me out of-the-blue realizations I didn't particularly want, rain so fierce it went horizontal--resulting in the John Kerry Rally being moved to the Alliance Energy Center so I didn't have time to go see it.  It has broken my phone and revived it, and temporarily confused the garage door.  Goddamn stars.

3.  Picture-with-inspiring-statement-below-it meaning: Challenges are often best left alone for a moment, and tackled with a different attitude.  

4.  I finally upped my stats in machine affinity.  I guess I must have leveled-up somewhere between when my laptop started displaying only 16 colors and those three rust monsters I smote thusly on the bus last week.  

Off to pick out my new spells, 
-Amber-<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/13/2004 01:12:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Time is a funny material</b>

Somehow, Saturday managed to be 3 times as long a day as past Saturdays have been. I mean, I got a crapload of stuff all done on Saturday.  Dropped Ben off at some 9/11 documentary, avoided evil home-game traffic, went to the Farmer's Market, went to St. Vinnie's and got the MOST GLAMOROUS DRESS (It has an off-the shoulder collar completely trimmed in some sort of feather/iridescent plastic substance).  I came home, watched a crapload of Sex In the City.  Then made myself a quiet dinner.  By evening, I had gotten Ben to his friend's place to pick up his new computer, and arranged to have just about everyone go to see Resident Evil 2.  Following that was a Perkins run, and following that was MORE Sex in the City until 3AM.  

I dreamt a nice recurring-theme dream, although it was interspersed with a scenario where I had a quiz I hadn't studied for. . . it made it all the more luxurious to wake up and have it be Sunday.  

Instead of placing these thoughts in context, here are my current messages to anyone who reads this: 

1.  Resident Evil 2 is a ridiculous movie, and that's what makes it great.  Seriously, go see it.  It's so bad in such a fantastic way.

2.  If you are looking for some confounding if not disturbing news coverage, check out the whole Mushroom Cloud over North Korea story.  Doesn't anyone else think this story should be bigger than it's been presented? 

3.  Sex in the City is good like Harry Potter is good.  I once would have scoffed at anyone who admitted to enjoying it, but now I am hopelessly enthralled.  

4.  LARP-ing is just too damn silly. 
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/07/2004 12:02:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Craftiness gets the better of my pocketbook: The Sequel</b>

I JUST MADE A PILLOW!  And it's shiny with beads and stuff!  Yay!

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/05/2004 06:00:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Craftiness gets the better of me and my pocketbook</b>

So, apparently now I'm into sewing.  I've been around myself long enough to know that sometimes I get really excited about things, and then a week or two later I'm pretty much done being excited about them.  It made it a bit challengin for choosing my career path.  Any one thing seemed likely to be too much of one thing after awhile.  

So anyway  . . . .perhaps my love of apparel is well known, and I'm kindof excited about sewing up some old t-shirts and halloween costumes and such.  I have a sewing machine, and lots of fabric, and a book. . . we'll see how it goes.  

Life after the first week of school is ok. Lab work isn't working, but hopefully I'll get to make mutants soon.  I have very little time to myself these days, and it's amazing but some times a bit tiring.  I'm not complaining, just asserting to myself I need to find ways to keep swatches of time for zoning out or painting my toenails, or else I'm going to just maybe go crazy.  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/26/2004 04:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The current theory is. . .</b>

If I try to type an entry when I really actually would like to go empty my bladder, it should keep the entry concise and delightful.  You let me know how I do, yes? 

This week has been, well, blurry.  I think maybe it has racing stripes or those flames that hotwheel cars have, because somehow it's managed to fly by without me knowing much else about it than the fact that it did happen.  I'm living a continual 1AM sleep 8:30AM wake day, where I spend 9:30ish to 5ish at work, usually with slow mornings and insane afternoons.  Evenings are filled with friends, which is good, except that I haven't really completely unpacked yet, and I wake up every morning thinking DAMN this would be a nice room if I could but see the floor!

Though not holding much immediate promise, life is still good.  Having a roommate is working out well--especially since Sharon likes to cook, and I like to eat.  Skeletor also has a fantastic new plastic rock formation which he perches on or hides under daily.  We both have new surroundings, but only by one or two key points. 

Classes are starting soon.  The new 1st-year grad's are here, and so I'm a 2nd year.  I'm trying to get my first thesis committee meeting scheduled, trying to get my lab work to work, and trying to get personal life in check with all the rest.  My credit is BAD, as I think I've forgotten many a bill in the past month . . . that's not so good.  But really, aside from wanting to get a shiny zoomy new laptop, there's no big purchase I need that stuff for at the moment. 

Ok, time to go take a picture of the assay I'm running.  It involves guinea pig blood and a table that rocks.  I'm also thinking of donating some of my own, sweet blood to a research lab down the hall--and if it's good stuff they might propogate a cell line from it!!!! I could have my own cell line!  except, I think that grad students do the blood drawing, and that might not be so grand.  Oh well, picture time!
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/13/2004 01:36:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>FEVER</b>

Some time Wednesday night, I started to feel sickly.  Went to bed exhausted but kept waking up all night, only to finally get "some" sleep at 6:30AM after downing extra strength tylenol.  Woke up at 8:30, took my temperature, which was 100.4. 

So I stayed home, and slept aaaaall day, although thursday was going to be an uberproductive day complete with guinea pig blood and meeting with Ned (not at the same time).  I felt better in the evening, and even ate something . . . .

And today I feel better, but I'm not hungry.  Not at all hungry, and that's really not good for me.  Hunger is always the last thing to go . . . . and it's hot in lab so I feel like I'm getting hot flashes all day.  I just wanted to share that with you all.  I'll probably cool down come evening, which would be great because it IS the weekend and there's a Rick James SUPERFREAK tribute at the Cardinal and a party with Ben and blargh!!! why get so sickly before the weekend!!???

Current theory is food poisoning, although mainly I feel more feverish than queasy.  I hate being sick.  It's lame.
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/09/2004 12:41:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>You need a vacation with just yourself</b>

I'd also consider titling this entry "stolen moments on sarah's laptop" given that I'm using it for this entry, as well as starting yet another likely doomed craft-phase involving hacking up shirts so they fit me better (also known as T-shirt surgery, apparently).  I long for a higher state of craftiness. . . and cuter shirts.

It's been a rather satisfying weekend.  I've spent the whole week in Sarah's guest room, complete with visiting cats.  This stay is going really rather well, considering the ever-present danger of sarah and I spending waaaaaay hellls too much time together.  We get our breaks, which is good.  Saturday we went with Sharon and Roger to the farmer's market and bought all sorts of goodies for the party we were throwing for everyone in the Squid & Bacteria labs.  Fresh corn, homemade brats, cheesecurds . . . . our interpretation of "taste of wisconsin."  We took two whole laps around the square to get everything.  Then it was back home to clean and cook until all our lab folk arrived.  The actual party was as good as one could ever hope it to be.  Everyone got along, got enough food, and had a place to sit. 

When that was all said and done, I went over to Courtney's going away party, and swiftly downed 3 orange and liquor drinks while thanking Ben for keeping the guests from getting Skeletor drunk.  My pirate hat made many rounds that evening (Ben has been borrowing it to play Tropico 2).  Once the drinks really kicked in, I just laid down on the bed (a luxury of being at a party where you plan on sleeping).  I can't describe to you the unique bliss of just laying down and letting yourself fall asleep when you're tired and coursing with chemicals.  Ben woke me up at some point, and I played a bit of Tropico 2 before deciding to go back to sleep.  I believe Ben found me a crumpled heap of blankets with a pirate hat on top.  There are pictures somewhere.  I dreamt clear and pleasant dreams that I can still remember.  I love that.

Sunday found me awake at 11AM.  Did some shopping at Borders, and the comic book store, and Pegasus Games.  Came home, enjoyed the leftovers dinner that sarah put together, and got to re-meet Yann, who was my student that I hosted during one of the recruitment weekends.  He's the only student from that weekend to accept enrollment into the program.  I rule.  He's french and living with Andy.  Let all jokes about "the eligible bachelor pad" ensue.  I'm too sleepy to make them anymore!

I should've gone to bed an hour ago.  Oh well.  This week will be a big week, where I need to haul ass towards getting my project underway.  I haven't done much this whole summer.  It's scary that way.  But that's irrelavent.  I'm glad I've learn to acknowldedge THAT much :)
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/26/2004 05:27:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Moving Days</b>

Here in Madison, as probably in many other large university towns, there is a special season of time when every curb has abandoned desks and drawers, every apartment complex is proclaiming “FOR RENT!” and the availability of boxes decreases exponentially . . . It’s moving season: all the leases are up either August 1 or August 15th.&nbsp; 

Suddenly, I have arrived at this point where I have only a week left in my apartment.&nbsp; Oh yes, it’s yet another “significant time in my life.”&nbsp; There have been a lot of those this year—which isn’t surprising when it’s your first big move to a new city.&nbsp; Sometimes it makes me nauseous, spending another week in my life feeling the weight and significance of yet another milestone, the grind of times’ gears . . . ehhh, you know what I’m saying.&nbsp; 

I remember when I first got into this apartment.&nbsp; The first night I fell asleep in my own bed with no parents or friends to think about.&nbsp; I remember when Dave finally got there, and how unreal and wonderful it felt to have his parents leave and it just be the two of us, off and sleeping away our first night together in Madison.&nbsp; I think we both had a lot of miscellaneous hopes and dreams for our life together.&nbsp; I don’t need to get into what they were, especially not now.&nbsp; 

I’m in all honesty very glad to get out of my apartment.&nbsp; I’ve got a big problem with places getting too haunted for me.&nbsp; Hiram College was that way, what with every walkway walked a hundred times and every bench the seat for some undergrad drama.&nbsp; Home in West Virginia is even worse.&nbsp; And this apartment makes me uneasy.&nbsp; At best, I’ve had some good night’s sleep.&nbsp; That first night was pretty nice.&nbsp; But now it’s crowded and messy and every once and awhile I open the door and say “Hellooo!” and imagine there’s Dave popping out from behind the column to yell “NEEEewwwt!”&nbsp; 

Last time I was home, mom said that friends are there for you when times are hard, but they expect you to get over things, and when you do, they expect you to move on.&nbsp; Once again, she’s right.&nbsp; And I have moved on.&nbsp; But I do go back every once and awhile.&nbsp; And these times of great change are big on the going back.&nbsp; You want to go back to where you understood what you had and what you wanted, and the value of those things.&nbsp; 

So I’m getting ready to move.&nbsp; I’m changing addresses and utility bills and such.&nbsp; Getting ready to put things into boxes.&nbsp; I’m sorry the references are so heavy-handed.&nbsp; But things are looking up.&nbsp; This is never easy, so I’ll just see you all on the other side of the week, no?
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/16/2004 04:31:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Waiting to Exhale is a movie I've never seen, so any reference I make to it isn't particularly strong or well-founded</b>
&nbsp;
But man, that's kindof how life feels right now.&nbsp; Ok, maybe not really.&nbsp; Things just seem pretty surreal and haunted and good.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;
Work isn't hard, but that's because suddenly I'm reading papers, and getting the sickening feeling I should be doing something more and somehow synthesizing what I'm reading into something presentable to Ned.&nbsp; I honestly get alot of joy from starting out with a subject I don't know much about, accumulating a small hoarde of papers, and becoming an expert if I can.&nbsp; But it's not an easy, or really tangible thing.&nbsp; And it gets boring sometimes.&nbsp; But I have a project, and it's mine to be an authority on.&nbsp; Just have to keep focusing at least daily, and maybe start writing.
&nbsp;
Life is really very good.&nbsp; I just picked up my brother at the bus station, and JEBUS it's so good to see him.&nbsp; He's my first best friend, and I forget how much I miss him until he's around.&nbsp; We're only two years apart, so we get along pretty well, and get to vent about the craziness of our parents, and compare notes on games and movies and the internet.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;
And of course, there's alot of sappy stuff I'm not posting.&nbsp; Ben is a good, good thing.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;
I don't know, in general things just seem weird.&nbsp; Some times I just look up from whatever I'm doing and think "So THIS is my life! oh!"&nbsp; It is not where I would've predicted it.&nbsp; And I'm sure I'm going to have some choice moments in the future that will make me question it again and again.&nbsp; But it's a great place to be.
&nbsp;
Finally, we've got a storm advisory up,&nbsp; and MAYBE Don will see some exciting weather!
&nbsp;
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/14/2004 11:36:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The grand pitfalls of having a willful imagination</b>

Came home yesterday, and as I jammed the key to my apartment into the lock and turned, I realized the door was not locked.  Hadn't been locked all day probably.  

I don't know how anyone else reacts to this sort of thing, but for me, it means going through each closet, curtained shower, and meager underbed storage space to make sure nobody is waiting there to pop out and get me.  Now honestly, the entire time I did the apartment-sweep, I was thinking about how unlikely it was that anyone even knew the place was unlocked.  Even more unlikely that they'd stay just to harass me when they could pick up my television, engagement ring, or any other number of valuables and just leave.  

But there's no arguing with that squelching little portion of my brain that's seen too many horror movies and news stories, and is also a girl.  This is NOT to say that girls are inherently paranoid or wimpy or ANYTHING of the sort.  I just think alot of us get raised to be convinced, on some level, that people are continually out to get us.  And I have run in to very intelligent men who just don't get that.  ooh, and this is a subject I could go on waaaay too long about.  

In general, life is good.  Thanks to Sharon, I have a wireless card in my laptop and can now check e-mail and chat and do other fun non-work related things at work.  Good and bad.  I'm amazed that my laptop (circa 1999) is still working without huge problems, aside from the fact the monitor adapter doesn't recognize whatever videocard I'm running on, and so I get to view everything in 16 colors total, and the resolution is all borked.  It's probably time to get a new laptop, which is fun shopping--although admittedly I don't know nearly as much as I'd like to about computer shopping.  I've been a little, errr, reliant on others for just about as long as I can remember when it comes to computer buying.  But for now, I've got my eye on the Dell Inspiron 5150, which seems to be decent price and mixing business with pleasure happily. . .  now if I could just locate MONEY. . . ahh, the eternal struggle.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/05/2004 01:34:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Holiday Weekend</b>

Well, I woke up at noon this morning, and found a note each from Mom and Debbie thanking me for letting them stay and showing them around Madison.  It was weighted down with a HUGE bottle of white wine.  My apartment is now cleaner than it ever was when it was just me.  My garbage has been taken out too.  God Bless those ladies!

I had a wonderful time having mom and Debbie here.  I was a little worried beforehand, because sometimes being with mom for too long can be a bad thing for both of us.  I get short tempered, more than I should.  But they were like two college girls, giggling and cooking and watching movies in my living room.  They loved my friends, gave me valuable insights on them and also prodded me to talk about romance and why Dave and I didn't work out and what my plans are for the future.  Moms have that great skill to sweep aside small talk and ask the things you're embarassed to talk about--and lord knows you can't say no.  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/25/2004 11:26:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Funnel Clouds, not Funnel Cakes</b>

After mammoth posting proportions last time, I'm vowing THIS time to keep it short.  Usually if I number things, this helps, so here goes: 

1.  Experienced my first Wisconsin Tornado Warning earlier this week.  I've never legitimately seen the sky turn green, but I did this week.  Things were looking bad as I drove westward through Madison, and when I turned off of University headed for Andy's apartment, I looked up in the sky and saw a funnel cloud directly above me--all huge and swirling like a giant bathtub drain in the sky.  I promptly did a U-turn and headed back East all the way to Ben's apartment.  So ok, I probably wasn't in much danger, but I was rather freaked out.  WV hills tend to prevent such things from happening ever.  Ben calmed me down by telling me that we only get small tornadoes in wisconsin.  Baby ones.  Whether or not that's true, I don't know, but I didn't care. . . it kept me from further freak-outage.  FUNNEL CLOUDS! GREEN SKIES! Weee!  It's much coooler in retrospect.

2.  I finished Poisonwood Bible yesterday, and now I'm on to reading the entire Harry Potter series.  I'm excited for the endeavor.

3.  In going through my stuff looking for things to sell at a Yard Sale, I found my old notebook from 2002, and had to laugh at how final I thought things had been for Dave and I.  Mainly thought, reading my old voice was like getting advice from someone who knows exactly what you're going through.  But I also have to laugh at how much I hated Mb, how certain I was that she and Jason wouldn't work out.  And now look at who's happily married and who's not.  Life is funny this way.

4.  I've discovered my greatest career desire: I need to feel like I'm respected and contribute to my field.  Admittedly, it drove me a bit nuts earlier today to realize that I was in line behind Josh and Sarah for teaching assistant position in Heidi's class, and realizing that in comparison I have no chance in hell.  It still bugs me that I got a B in her class, when I enjoyed it and got so much out of it.  I hate the feeling that I'm an english major disguising myself as a scientist.  I get this paranoia that everyone thinks I'm just in research temporarily, that I'm competent but not worth extra attention.  And then I think to myself: "Have I done anything to warrant any other treatment?"  

I'm thinking maybe I haven't.  I've been able to coast through alot of my career, using procrastination and inventiveness to get through most course requirements while focusing alot more on my personal life, where that was going and who I was going to share it with.  Sure, those things are important, but I'm going to reach a point (if I haven't already) where I can't do that anymore.  I have to invest myself alot more fully in microbiology if I'm going to succeed and find it rewarding.  So there we go.  

Ok! I'm going to stop typing away and go do things.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/22/2004 10:55:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I found within me an eternal summer. . . but it wasn't as summery as it could be</b>

June is almost over.  June is almost over.  I keep telling myself this, mainly because I'm all out of money.  I feel wrong sometimes about admitting it to anyone and everyone, because it seems like something I should feel bad about.  Here I am getting paid to go to school, and I still run out of money.  But there's something giddy about hunting for change in all my pants so I can put them through the laundry, and something cleansing about consuming every last thing in my cupboard.  There are alot of expenses coming up in the next month, including getting my WI driver's license and plates (upwards of 100 bucks) and hopefully stashing some cash for the Big Move (I have some furniture I wouldn't make anyone lift without paying them this time around).  

I'm almost done with Poisonwood Bible, which has been the first book in a long time that I absolutely had to continue reading.  I've had recent affairs with Dreamcatcher by Stephen King, and I've got the ENTIRE Harry Potter series lined up to read after this.  But it seems like a long time since I read for sheer fun, and even longer since I had a summer reading list.  Those were the days. . .

I'm spreading the word that Bubba Ho-Tep is quite possibly one of the finest movies I've seen this year.  So Bizzare that is just fits--its a miracle of weirdness.  Also saw Saved, which is great fun and worth seeing.  

I can't remember if I mentioned going to Eau Claire this weekend to get Ben to a doctor's appointment and concurrently see his hometown and family and such.  It was suprisingly vacation like.  I slept so well, thinking I'd been sleeping in till 5PM only to wake up and realize it was 1PM (that's a miracle in itself).  Also there were lots and lots of neat creatures to see, including baby chicks in the kitchen.  It would take more explaining than I feel like going through, but the main take-home point is that it was so VERY much fun and utterly unstressful.  Except for peeking at my bank balance and realizing that my sweet State Tax Return had been gobbled up by overdraft fees.  

So finally, I'm going to copy Alice's quiz and fill it out myself.  I can't imagine it would be even remotely interesting for anyone, but it will be fun for me, and sometimes in the world of Amber that's all that matters.  

1. What kind of underwear are you wearing, and what color are they?
grey bikini

2. What songs do you want played at your funeral?
Oh! I've got this one figured out: "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas, but more importantly "In My Life" by the Beatles, because it is my principle favorite Beatles song and perhaps favorite song altogether.  Also the old 4-H song "Today." which is all about living and enjoying today, duh.  

3. What would your last meal be before being executed?
I find it almost laughable that I'd ever even commit something execution-worthy.  I'm too afraid of THE LAW.  But if I were to have a last meal, it would include:
Tom Ka Soup
Sushi & Sashimi
guacamole
spaghetti puttanesca
and for desert?  Sago Gula Melaka (tapioca pearls in brown sugar and coconut milk).

4. Beatles or Stones?
Beatles, of course.  I'm sorry, the Stones are really pretty lame and didn't contribute nearly as much.

5. If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
I wouldn't do that, but I guess in my life, the category I would've aimed at most often was "The Other Woman"

6. The person whose problems you don't want to hear?
the one who won't accept help from others

7. What is the thing most important to you about the preferred sex?
Humor is definitely first.  I need someone who can't possibly judge me for being too weird.  Funny hair is also a plus.  A healthy-to-inflated ego.  And the desire to love me alot.  

8. Do you secretly hate some of your friends but are too nice to reject them?
No, I'd want to help them.  But there are certainly people I'm nice to but don't particularly like. . .I just wouldn't call them friends.

9. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Definitely shapeshifting.  Useful but also fun, without the nasty headaches of psychic powers.  Then I could also finally get a tan.

10. Favorite hangover cure?
MUCH MUCH water and a delicious breakfast.

11. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
Typically 3 drinks, although with beer I can nearly hit 4 now.  The exception to all of this is tequila. 

12. Favorite song lyric?
There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better.
Some have gone, and some remain.
All these places had there moments,
with lovers and friends, I still can recall
some are dead, and some are living. 
In my life, I loved them all

13. Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have?
Though I tend to gravitate towards the dark and handsome, I still have a fondness for the blondes and redheads I've known.  I like boys.

14. If you had to be blind or deaf, which would you choose?
Blind, though I love colors so much.  I'd much rather still hear people and be able to communicate.  

15. Do you have any psychiatric problems?
The mildest of depressions, and chronic uncertainty.

16. Siblings that should go to rehab?
nonononooooo.  

17. Least favorite month?
February--it's consistently crappy.  It can go to hell.

18. Favorite hateful thing to do to somebody?
Gossip.  I'm so addicted.  It's the socially acceptable form of aggression.

19. First movie you remember seeing as a kid?
My Little Pony?  I think it must've been something like that

20. Favorite person in the whole world?
It's me.  I know, but I'm being honest here.  I can always depend on me.  

21. When's the last time you went on a date?
I went on a weekend with Ben home to Eau Claire and stayed at his family's place.  

22. Do you like violent movies or dirty movies? 
I like them both, although I'd taking people loving eachother over people hacking eachother up.

23. The name of your very first boyfriend/girlfriend?
Chris (although I "went out" with a guy named Todd in 6th grade for 5 minutes).

24. Fall or spring?
Fall--it's so spooky and I love the smell of the leaves.  AND I love halloween.

25.Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
This guy I dated directly after getting dumped in highschool.  He was a sleaze.  

26. If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with? 
I'd have to say that dear Alice is my most favorite girl in all the world.  She is lovely and moody and also a Scorpio.  

27. Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle?
Florida!!! orange juice and beaches and tons of other old people to hang out with.  It will rock.  

28. Who is the person you can count on the most? 
Me. Me. Me.  

29. If you could date any celebrity, past or present, time and age are not a factor?
That is a hard choice, because celebrity CAN sometimes equal dickery.  I think I'd be for Depp, since he seems quirky right along with being easy on the eyes.  OR Ewan MacGregor (I don't know if I spelled that right) since he can sing and is D-lightful!

30. What's a word/phrase you'd use to describe your life?
Act now and make decisions later.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/17/2004 01:03:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>So first off: weird dreams again.  At least, I forgot to mention the mystical convergence of me dreaming that I married an Indian guy (and then ran away quietly before the reception, and got a tear-filled answering machine message from him later that evening, asking why I wasn't there, because I had made a promise to be) and Ben dreaming that I left him for an Indian guy.  

So what the hell does that mean anway? I get suspicious of my brain sometimes.  I think it doesn't take kindly to being stuck in my head day in and day out, and so it spends MUCHO time procuring ways to fuck with me.  
*shakes fist in anger at brain*

I was really proud of myself on Wednesday.  It was sort of a nervous day at first, because I was scheduled to meet with one of my thesis committee members, and so had to have subsequent nightmares about not having the answers to any questions she would ask.  But instead of being an awkward first meeting like so many of my recruitment interviews had been, this was a whirl of new ideas and solutions to the problems I was having in lab, and renewed excitement about my project goals and the BIG PICTURE.  I went away with a grin so big it really did hurt for awhile.  

I got everything I wanted to accomplish in lab done, and I even caught mistakes that I might not have caught on any other day.  I ate exactly as much food as I wanted to eat at Pizza Hut, and didn't go blow money on used DVD's at the Resale store.  At home, I read Poisonwood Bible (SO FREAKING GOOD) until I was sleepy, and then went off to dream much nicer things.

So this is my anti-rant.  I'm not having an ecstatically good day, but I am really content with how good a day yesterday was.  I'm shedding stress, which is one of my biggest goals in my immediate life.  So much of what I've done in the past has been motivated by fear and anxiety, and I don't want to do that anymore.  I have the brains to be equally good at my profession, so I should stop freaking out and beating myself up for not knowing things--I've got to discuss what I know unapologetically, and just plain ask about things when I don't know, instead of just pretending I do.  I've got to stop freaking out about everything, and let myself actually enjoy all the good stuff. 

I don't know, it all seems so "duh" and simple, but I think maybe I'm only really starting to understand it now.  Take care everyone!

Oh, and I found this quiz thanks to Rhett!

<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="background-color: #ggg; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica; font-size: 10px"><tr><td colspan="2">You are <b><span style="color: #090">45%</span></b> geek</td></tr><img src="http://images.thudfactor.com/images/geekquiz/girl_25x50.jpg" height="170" width="120"></td><td valign="top">You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.
		<blockquote>
		<b>Normal:</b> Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.<br /><br />
		<b>You [to Geek]:</b> We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!<br /><br />
		<b>Geek [to You]:</b> I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!<br /><br />
		<b>You [to Normal]:</b> He wants to know if he gets overtime.<br /><br /></blockquote>
		</td></tr></table> <p><a href="http://www.thudfactor.com/geekquiz.php">Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com</a></p><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/15/2004 01:50:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Slow work week, but a pleasant Me Week</b>

<em>I am selfish, I am wrong 
I am right, I swear I'm right 
Swear I knew it all along 
And I am flawed 
But I am cleaning up so well </em>

First off, labwork this week is beyond normal tedious.  There isn't much for anyone to do, since the PI's are flying in this weekend and all work has been put on standby until they get here (and then a tempest of work will ensue, no doubt).  I'm doing a small experiment to see if the media I've been working on for nigh' a month and half is really at all useful.  It might not be.  And honestly, I'm kindof tired of working on it at all anyway, and almost wish it won't work so I can just move on to something else.  However that's alot of wasted time and reagents. . . 

Once I got past last week's rainy, hormone-affected Week of Crap(tm) things became much better on all fronts personal.  80's night on Friday was really fun, although I spent most of the time chatting instead of dancing (sorry!).  And Saturday was Terrace Fest at the Memorial Union, and I got to salsa dance to a live band, along the waterfront on an absolutely BEAUTIFUL summer night.  But yesterday was really the finest yet, since I went home early, cooked a delicious dinner and watched Y Tu Mama Tambien while leisurely painting my toenails after a ridiculously long hot shower.  Then I went over to Ben's where friend Courtney was having a birthday party (an event i had forgotten totally about). There I drank waaaay too much wine and ate a piece of orange cake soaked in vodka and anisette.  This I found very delicious.  Other big suprises where that Ben got a haircut AND gifted me with Grand Theft Auto III--Yay on both accounts!  It always amazes me how when people get haircuts your brain tends to bleep an occasional "Is this the same person? Is this the same person?" thing.  Not in a bad way, just a novel way.  New haircuts are a novelty, because by the next day or so you're used to it.  Your mental picture gets updated.  You dig?

Award for best lyrics of the week for Amber: <a href="http://www.letssingit.com/?http://www.letssingit.com/dashboard-confessional-vindicated-mpkvtcn.html">Dashboard Confessional, "Vindicated"</a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/11/2004 11:24:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>God Bless you, Video Games</b>

Well, it's official: I have some sort of respiratory infection.  I been sneezing lots and emitting yellow goo.  Didn't you want to know that?  Somehow, it gives me great pride to know that I sensed I was getting sick for several days beforehand--although maybe that was a self-fulfilling prophecy, yes I know.  Anyway, now that I have actual symptoms instead of general malaise. . .it's less disconcerting.  But aren't colds in the summer one of the lamest things ever?

So when last I typed, I posted my horoscope which told me to go do something illegal, crazy, lewd, or in general wild.  The best I could come up with was playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on Ben's PS2.  Holy bee-jesus, does that game rock super hard.  And I want to list the reasons why: 

1. Obviously, you get to steal cars all the time.  Some are shiny, others are actually mopeds or golf carts.  

2.  Along with the general carjacking, you can run people over, or beat up them up, or get shot by bouncers with shotguns.  Regardless of what lawlessness you indulge in, usually the police don't care, and even if they do, you can just go get a change of clothes and all is forgiven.  

3.  Some of the best games I've ever experienced are the ones that let you live out a cinematic experience.  HALO let me feel like a colonial marine from ALIENS.  Silent Hill 2 let me feel like an unwilling protagonist of any number of horror films.  Fallout 2 made me feel like Mad Max.  And of course, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic made me feel like a much cooler Jedi who also tried to make out with the pilot (I really tried, but all I got was a crappy I Love You.  Bah).  And what I'm getting at is that GTA: Vice City puts you straight into that nostalgic genre of snazzy crime dramas such a Miami Vice, Scarface, etc.  It's a very immersive game. . .so tropical and slick, plus the music rocks my face clean off.  

4.  I am becoming a made man, through running over pizza delivery boys, inciting worker riots, and dropping off some druglord's hot daughter at a nightclub.  I also threatened some jury members!!! Oh, and chainsawing some other guy in the street.  I also have a cell phone. 

Oh, I think I'm done gushing now.  You probably already knew the game was awesome.  My friend Chewie told me as much once, a year ago.  

Also, picked up the first issue in the new X-men series "Astonishing X-men" (written in part by Joss Whedon, which is my impetus for buying it).  It seems pretty darn good, and I'm having a fun time trying to pick out "whedonesque" elements in the storytelling, because I'm a huge, flaming dork.  But hey, it makes me happy, and I need to follow more passions like that without shame.  


In general, things are a little better.  Work isn't being altogether satisfying: I'm carrying the double-edged sword of "not much to do."  I'm feeling out of shape again, so trying to work working out into my schedule more.  Trying to save money.  Trying not to dwell on the past relationship.  Trying to live honestly and without anxiety, because I've lived a good portion of mine own life in a haze of fear and floating thoughts of "I need to be doing more, and I'm not good enough for what I'm being paid for."  


<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/09/2004 03:26:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>SSDD</b>

Oh man, have I been <i>waiting</i> ever so patiently to use that "Same Shit, Different Day" reference from Stephen King's "Dreamcatcher."  Same shit.  Different Day.  "SSDD."  

So basically every day so far in the span of the week past has been about the same.  Wake up at 8AM, stagger out to the living room and hit the snooze button till 8:30AM (or 8:40 if I'm feeling luxurious).  Finally REALLy wake up, set the coffee brewing and my cream o' wheat microwaving while I wash my face and brush my teeth.  I make a little platter for myself with that cup of coffee, that bowl of cream o' wheat, and a glass of water, plus one vitamin for the day.  I sit down in the living room and mouth all that food and listen to NPR talking about a random topic, until 9AM.  Then it's a scramble to get some clothes that fit body and mood, and get out the door and into the car and to the Red Cross so I can park and scurry over to the bus stop on Sheboygan.  

Then it's off to work, where I spend the day sometimes doing work, but mostly just hanging out with Kevin and Sarah talking or unpacking boxes.  Eventually, my day that started at 10AM finishes, sometimes around 3 and sometimes not till 6.  A day of not much.  

The evenings are better, but the empty apartment is still unnerving, at times.  Too much room in the fridge.  <em>I've been sleeping on half of my bed lately</em>, Lisa Loeb would say.  

Oh, it's just being one of those days.  Really, I've got a lot of things to be happy for, from assuring soreness of my shoulders due to working out at the SERF, to sipping nice grape juice and finishing off Evangelion with Ben.  I also got my state tax return in the mail yesterday, which means I can go get my hair cut and maybe indulge again a little.  Not much.  I hate being overdrawn!

And then I get this horoscope today, from my favorite horoscope site: <a href="http://freewillastrology.com">Free Will Astrology</a>

<em>I don't know if you're the type of person who enjoys trance-dancing half-undressed till 4 a.m. at bacchanalian parties, then prowling the early morning streets barking at the moon and singing songs from Broadway musicals with loony companions until you end up playing strip poker outside an all-night diner as the sun comes up. But if you are that type of person, this will be a perfect week to indulge your inclinations. If you're not, please find an equivalent adventure that you're comfortable with. 'Tis the season to be rowdy. </em>

So maybe that's what I need to do?  I spend a lot of time these days trying to figure out what buttons I need to push and what needs I must fulfil to feel happy and healthy. . . .but that's kindof an exhausting endeavor.  I lack direction.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/01/2004 01:02:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>When in doubt, just despair and ask for help</b>

That's the valuable lesson for the last couple of days kids!

I won't lie to you, the last couple of days since getting home have been sort of heavy, weighed down by my blasted nostalgia.  When I've told people that Dave is moving out on the 1st of June, I've gotten a range of reactions from "Well it's about time" to "How are you doing?"  And while it's 

1)About time
2)Inevitable and necessary
3)The Right Thing (tm)

That doesn't necessarily make it easy or partylike.  I've had to finally confront the reality of getting disengaged, which I've put off doing to some extent for the last couple of months.  I got tired of being depressed and weepy, so I put all those anxieties on the shelf.  But that has meant taking them back down and putting them in boxes now.  

I don't know, I don't think anything I've seen from hollywood or in paperback fictions or any part of actual life has prepared me for this situation.  It would be easy if I hated Dave.  It would be clear if it was one-sided.  But there is so little fanfare involved with a quiet, mutual decision that it's hard to know how to feel about it.  I can't really get angry.  I can despair about never finding "The One" and spending my life alone, but that's just silly.  I can gnaw my knuckles over whether or not I'll ever truly be able to love without fear again, but I know I can, and I sure as hell plan on it.  

Sunday night found me crying a bit to sleep.  I just felt lost.  For the first time in my life, I felt like I didn't know who I was or where I was.  I mean, the sure bet in my life WAS Dave.  All else could go to hell, but I had someone to love and adventure with.  Somebody to come home to, and someone to remind me that I'm not all that bad, and worth having around.  BUT then it turned out life just couldn't work out that way.  

It makes you question your judgment, which is tricky because logical judgement is only a small fraction of loving a person, but you still can't ignore it.  So I cried, and wanted to kick and punch and scream, because it was NOT fair at all.  So I asked for help, from whoever maybe could hear me somewhere in the universe.  

Did I get help?  Did I find myself and direction?  Did a big shiny hand from the sky reach down and set me somewhere better?  

Naaaaaahhh.

But I DID get to sit home with Dave, on Monday, and just talk about all the crap that I was scared of, and--of course--he knew how I felt.  While I'm not going to go through every little line of comforting exchange, I can safely say I just felt <em>relieved</em>.  Dave's not leaving altogether--I'm not losing him as a friend.  So we make eachother <strong>quite </strong>unhappy as a couple? so what? That's just how it goes.  But we will continue to care about one another.  I think that's what I needed to hear: The love we felt wasn't unfounded, just not quite matched for our needs and desires.  

And is that <em>really </em>so tragic?  Sometimes it feels that way.  MANY times I've sat around lamenting that if only Dave could be more of this, or I could be less of that, we'd be perfect and live happily every after.  But we're not going to change.  It's not some epic misaligning of planets.  We are not star-crossed lovers.  This just isn't the way we were made to be.  It is still sad, but more comforting than "some huge mistake I should have avoided."  

So life from Monday evening on was much clear and happy.  I didn't feel broken, or adrift, or undeserving of love and friendship.  Things are going to be alright.  

For anyone who waded through all that: Thanks.  Thanks to everyone who's put up with me and my emotions for who knows how long or short a time.  I'm not 100%, nor should I be.  But yesterday was a gift of a day, and I am better for it.  

Now I must also thank Alice for this fun thing!:
<table bgcolor='#99ffff' border=3 bordercolor='#0033ff' cellspacing=0 cellpadding=3><tr><td align=center bgcolor=white><font size=+2 style='color: black;'>A</font></td><td valign=middle align=left><font style='color: black;'><b>Accurate</b></font></td></tr><tr><td align=center bgcolor=white><font size=+2 style='color: black;'>M</font></td><td valign=middle align=left><font style='color: black;'><b>Modern</b></font></td></tr><tr><td align=center bgcolor=white><font size=+2 style='color: black;'>B</font></td><td valign=middle align=left><font style='color: black;'><b>Bright</b></font></td></tr><tr><td align=center bgcolor=white><font size=+2 style='color: black;'>E</font></td><td valign=middle align=left><font style='color: black;'><b>Energetic</b></font></td></tr><tr><td align=center bgcolor=white><font size=+2 style='color: black;'>R</font></td><td valign=middle align=left><font style='color: black;'><b>Rare</b></font></td></tr></table><BR><form method="POST" action="http://www.go-quiz.com/acronym/acronym.php">Name / Username:<input name="name"><BR><input type=submit value="Get your name acronym!"><BR>
</form><a href="http://www.go-quiz.com/acronym/acronym.php">Name Acronym Generator</a><BR>From <a href="http://www.go-quiz.com">Go-Quiz.com</a>
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/28/2004 12:14:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Nightcap</b>

Well, last night in Wheeling.  Dad got back this evening from some sort of expo down south of here, where he go to show off his biodiesel project.  Sounds like it went well, and the house seems less empty when both mom and dad are home.  

I got to borrow the cadillac today from Grandpa Garvin, after having some of his homemade chili for lunch and consulting him on the stock market.  Once I was able to adjust the automatic seat to fit my short legs, I cruised out to the Ohio Valley Mall, where I pretended to have enough money to buy 400 thread count sheets for my bed.  I didn't know they made 400 count, but DAMN are they heavenly.  And DAMN are they expensive. Looks like 280 for my new bed setup.

The mall was pretty quiet on a thursday afternoon, so it was in fact a rather lonely trip.  At 3:30PM, I came home, picked mom up from work, and got to the house in time to get mom's requests for my evening apparel (I humor her) and take Liz out for dinner at Undo's in Elm Grove. Undo's is a sort of local chain of mid-scale Family Italian Restraunts.  I got Wedding Soup Linguine, and it was DELECTABLE.  Liz and I spent alot of time paralleling her recent breakup to a highschool boyfriend (who doesn't deserve her) with my highschool breakup with Dave K.  I had forgotten how public a breakup is in highschool--everyone knows about it, and everyone takes sides.  

Of all the things I've experienced on this trip home, the greatest has been hanging out with my younger sister.  Liz and I have shopped for dresses, chased the dog around the yard, and shared frustrations with highschool friends and mom's insistence that we wear fancy dresses to her preschool graduation program.  She's grown in to a beautiful, down-to-earth young lady who takes very little B.S. but still keeps things rather whimsical (she's an Aquarius, no doubt).  I wish I could spend more time with her, even if it was just to borrow more of her clothes.  

So here I am, ready to come home.  Funny how home changes from where you grew up to where you live?  Not suprising, though.  

As a sidenote: the new Peter Pan movie (liveaction) is REALLY REALLY FREAKING GOOD.  So fun, so cute, so beautiful--even a little acknowledgement to pre-adult sexual tension. Makes up for what Disney and Robin Williams did to the story.  Wendy was cast superbly.  My favorite part is the mermaids, which are legitimately unsettling but beautiful.  GO WATCH IT.  

<img src="http://www.peterpanfan.com/images/mermaids.jpg"><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/25/2004 10:20:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Maybe being home doesn't have to suck</b>

I don't know. . .if you've read this often-obtuse weblog of mine, you've probably noticed that me going home correlates with an increased level of depression, boredom, and thoughtfulness.  I myself was pretty sure that with mom, dad, Liz, and Don not home during schooldays for a week, I'd quickly achieve all three of those conditions.  

But in all actuality, the combination of monday and tuesday that I myself have experienced has rocked alot, and been generally a fulfilling vacation from life as I know it.  

A good portion of this I need to thank my pal Jonah for, since he was nice enough to drive me down to Morgantown, WV (home of West Virgina University).  Thank you so very much Jonahbug!!  I got to spend the evening with several good friends from highschool, and witnessed many adventures, including: 

1)seeing StephSteph take her first shot of tequila, after we assured her it was NOT in fact the liquor Dave K. took a shot of and immediately threw up from--even though it was. 
 
2)visitations to bars: Kegglers and Bent Willie's (I've been hearing about Bent Willie/y's for years and yet had never gone there before).

3)Two beers, two shots of tequila, and another tall frosty glass of beer make for a fantastic evening (drunken Amber time!)

4)Getting hit on by drunken med students, who obviously think I'm hot because I'm a scientist (and they are totally right).

6)Inevitably making friends with Drunken Med Student and his friend who works at Bob Evans.  They were super cool and insist that Jonah and I (or maybe just Jonah) give them a call whenever we're in Mo-town.  

5)Making a drunken phone call to Ben in the girl's restroom to say hello!

6)Passing out and sleeping in till noon, not having to worry about driving anywhere or planning anything.  

All in all, it was suprisingly de-stressing to just be someone else's guest and not be in charge of where to go or what to do for the evening, and in general being an excuse to go out places.  Morgantown is actually a pretty fun place in the short term, and I hope to someday go back down and see more of what it has to offer.  I came home today all glowy happy for getting to see alot of old friends and have a merry night on the town.  And then I found out Alice called me and that made it even more awesome!

I feel really blessed & blissed, so I'm trying to send out all my good vibes to everyone else.  Tomorrow I'm booked to go hang out with Chris and perhaps try some sort of legendary wing place, maybe.  I'm also going to try to borrow Grandpa Garvin's caddillac on Thursday and perhaps wander the mall, pretending I life in the Ohio Valley and have money to spend.  Also on the slate is finding Sprite's artwork that he let me have, because my house seems to have swallowed it up, and I'd really like to get it displayed in my room back in Madison.  Wish me luck on THAT mission (might involve fighting spiders underneath the steps!) and I'll see some of you soon!
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/23/2004 01:40:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I didn't know the bride when she used to rock n' roll</b>

So, as you may or may not know, I am in West Virginia for the week.  I arrived LATE on friday, and I'll go back to Madison this follwing Friday.  

WV is swampy right now. So very much hotter than Wisconsin seems capable of, but maybe even more lush and lovely.  Being home is always surreal, but at least this time it's an attractive sort of dreaminess, what with all the things blooming and people graduating and marrying.  

And that was part of the reason for being home this week.  One of the girls I've known since kindergarten sunday school, Krissy, got married yesterday.  After all the dramatic weather of Friday, Saturday was calm enough to have the ceremony outside at Oglebay Park--Same place I had my prom pictures taken way back when.  It's all richly landscaped and rolling hills and such.  A beautiful wedding dress, a beautiful wedding.  

I'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't hard to see someone close to my age get married.  I'm also not going to jump into heavy-handed comparisons between me: an ex-fiancee, and her: a blissfully happy bride.  You can imagine how it was for me, and so why wade you through it?  My mom's friends made sure to come over and tell me they were all proud of me and my decision, and that was strengthening.  

I've spent the last two days wearing alot of skirts and heels, which has been strange--a combination of weddings and church services.  I went dress-shopping with my sister and my mother yesterday, and I was just amazed to be shopping for Liz.  We wear the same size now, and she's just beyond beautiful. Suddenly I have this sister who is 5'8" with dark blonde hair and blue eyes, and a tan I'm contiually envious of.  Everyone tells her how stunning and tall and lovely she is, and so I take it as a compliment when they accidentally call ME Liz.  Time goes by even faster when you have younger siblings.

Am I happy to be home?  In some ways yes.  It's beautiful out, everyone seems happy to see me, and I have no work to possibly do.  But when you've spent so many years in one place, it gets haunted.  Doesn't everyone have somewhere like that in their lives?  There are so many memories wedged in between the trees and the faces of old school friends--it's a little unnerving.  This never seems like a place I want to stay for long, and it makes me miss my new life and the person I am there.  But I'm not sad, or upset to be here.  Just unsettled in sometimes pleasing and othertime uncomfortable ways.  

If you should want to get a hold of me, call me on the cell phone which has an area code 608 then there is those next three digits 469 and then finally 8083. <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/13/2004 10:30:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Craving</b>

It's been a weird week.  I turned in my final paper on monday (chances are it was the last paper to be turned in, but I would much rather turn in a good paper than an early less-lovely one).  So suddenly I'm not experiencing that general, looming worry that something is due sometime and I should be working on it.  The weather has remained heavy and hot, breaking into tons of rain at times--makes me want to do anything but work.  And I've had huge cravings for red meat.  That part weirds me out a bit, because I'm not a big red meat eater.  Raw fish, yesssss, (oh god yes!) but raw hamburger has never looked more appealing.  Strange isn't it?  I've been fighting headaches and tiredness, so I'm thinking maybe I'm somehow dehydrated and craving salty things to retain moisture. . .or something.

This can't possibly be an intriguing entry, but then again, if I started writing things to be intriguing, it would be sillier than it already is.  

I also find myself fixated on picking out new bedding for my bed.  I've got my heart set on neutral tones, like a cococa or taupe, because my next bedroom is a little smallish (although it has a FANTASTIC porch!!) so I don't want crazy patterns to overwhelm the space.  

I think maybe I've been watching too much TLC and Food Network. . .maybe that's it. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/09/2004 02:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Required Depressive Sunday Post</b>

It's really quite a tradition I'm establishing here--maybe because once we hit summer break (tomorrow) there will be no more sundays.  Every day will be equally viable for research and there will be no classes to muddle with that.  No late night homework assignments to complete.  No paper to write (I am writing the final one today, for my Microbial Interactions class on <i>"Why Streptococci are pioneers of our Dental Biofilms."</i>

Don't worry, this is only a working title.  It lacks a certain <em>something</em>.  

There is something about May that always makes the days feel weighted with importance.  Maybe it's because ever year of my life from preschool until grad school has marked May as the end of classes.  It seems more powerful a marking of time passing than New Year's Eve.  It is always chock full of endings and release.  And really this May will claim to be the same.  

First off, I've survived a school year at Madison.  I've made it through the sometimes bleak winter.  I've kept my car, my apartment, my health.  Sometimes when I'm driving around I just marvel at how little I depend on anything other than myself (and my stipend) now.  It's the same feeling as when I jumped into the pool at four thinking I had my swim floaties on, only to realize--when mom called out "YOU'RE SWIMMING AMBER!!" that I was swimming without floaties.  

Seriously, this is no-floaties Amber.  Dave's family came in this weekend, and aside from drying off in the bedroom post-shower while they came in to the apartment for five minutes, I had no contact with them.  On one side, that's a relief.  I don't want to be there to remind of them of sad things, when they should be so happy to see their son.  On the other side, I was kindof sad not to see them.  I got engaged to Dave knowing that I loved his family, and would be happy to be a part of it.  Sometimes it really hurts to be reminded of how sure you were of things, when now you realized they will never come to be.  

In general, I'm happy Dave's moving out in June.  It will be good to have my own apartment--and my own bed--again.  I'll be able to have friends over to watch movies and play video games.  I can come in at 4AM and not feel bad about waking him up.  But I'd be a huge, blindingly ridiculous liar if I said I wasn't going to be sad to see him go.  The enormity of that day is larger than overwhelming.  I know we made the right decision.  But it doesn't always make it easier.  

Well, I can honestly say I wish I was shopping today, instead of forcing myself to sit down an write a paper.  It's one of my favorite brands of weather: heavy, hot, and humid.  It reminds me of Florida and Malaysia.  The air is so heavy and calm--it's comforting.  Hope all of you enjoy it--I'm going to try!


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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/04/2004 01:38:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>It's a full moon again!!!</b>

Apparently, it's the flower moon on May 4th!  Personally, I find full moons undeniably lovely--although I also feel bad for being safe and quiet indoors when I may owe it to the moon to go run around outside and look at it waaay too much.  

Monday was, well, lovely though quiet.  Although really I'm equating quiet with low stress.  My microbial interactions class was thoroughly enjoyable, my work is lab appears to be successful, andI got to go home, clean up the apartment and chat with Dave, attend my ridiculously short microscopy lab, and then play Gladius with Ben and friend Matt on the X-box.  Then it was a pleasant, thoughtful drive home to the apartment with Weezer's "Island in the Sun" playing on the radio, with the fullish moon peakin' through the trees.  

So, you know, when you're driving alone you tend to space out and get all philosophical/contemplative on yourself.  Lately, I find I get topics for the day that I want to meditate on--there are things I want to savor and turn over and over in my mind to see every part of it.  And tonight's inside-brain topic was the overall concept of being drunk/high/loved.  It's this state of mind that you don't really know much about until you're plopped into it, and sometimes before you get there you expend a lot of effort trying to figure out if you're "there" yet.  Like drinking and drinking and wondering just how drunk can you get and how will you act when you have reached this point?  Wondering if you're high because you're excited or really and truly actually high, when you dont' know what high feels like.  

And of course, there's that pesky topic of love, where you spend inordinate amounts of time wondering if in fact you are in love, and whether you can feel more in love than this, and not knowing how you'll truly act at any stage of your love.  But unlike the effects of drugs, getting to love never feels the same way twice.  So it's the same story all over again.  

I must emphasize this isn't really following how I feel now (that's private, fool!)  It's just something I am amazed about.  I've fallen in love before, and looking back it was never the same.  Mainly I've just got this feeling of euphoria today, having done alot of good and fun things, as well as finding out my brother is coming up with Mom and Debbie in July to visit me, and apparently Jason and Marybeth are coming into town around that time as well.  Furthermore, Dave's family is coming up this weekend--they are nice folk!  And I'm trying to arrange a trip home for a wedding, and I've got friends who want to meet up with me there. . .I DO feel loved.  And that's something to be damn thankful for.

Happy Flower Moon!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/03/2004 01:56:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Brain Cells? What brain cells?</b>

So, this is the second portion of the weekend installment of the "MayDay Weekend" very special episode of Amber's weblog.  

When we last heard from me, I was on my way over to the Mifflin Block Party.  Having never been to anything even closely resembling a block party (except maybe the McMechen Street Fair, which was of course more of a fair and less of a party), I was not at all sure what to expect.  While in lab, typing the prior weblog entry, I had managed to arrange a meeting place for finding Ben--I would walk over from my lab building on the west side of campus, through the center and eastern portions of campus, and then on to Bedford Street to the Greyhound Station, where I would call Ben and regardless of whether or not he could hear me in whatever party he was in, he would know to come to the station for me.  

Does anyone remember a short cartoon that used to run on Sesame Street when we were young that involved a young boy going on a journey and kindof getting lost in this strange, trippy world?  The boy went on a walk, and the houses and people started off normal.  But the farther away from home he got, the more strange and unusual things leaked into his line of sight.  Aaaand, basically, this was how my walk from SMI to Mifflin Block Party progressed.  Saturday evening on the ag/science side of campus was peaceful, but slowly--as I approached State Street--I'd see a person here or there wearing beads, and students stumbling in ever-increasing groups.  

And then I hit the ground-zero blast-zone that was The Mifflin Block.  Just hordes and hordes of people wandering around with plastic cups, the police looking very unhappy to have to be there, and pretty much just unrefined chaos all over.  People pissing on building walls.  Everyone yelling stuff at everyone else.  My personal favorite for me was a group of guys on a balcony, one of which exclaimed "THAT is a nice rack!"

ok, so it's not the most well-crafted compliment I've ever received, but I have decided to be proud of it.  And also tell everyone I know.  Because I'm proud to own a complimentable rack.  

Once I found the Ben I was looking for, it was time for the rest of the evening.  This included picking up some cheeseburgers, playing a Seinfeld drinking game, and eventually going out to find a dance party.  This required walking back out to sortof where we were before, and then finding the correct house.  Outside, a couple of guys--including someone dressed up as a side of fries--were setting off firecrackers.  We weren't inside for long when the cops showed up (due to the firing of firecrackers) and we were all asked to leave.  

As a pack of people, we moved back to campus to Langdon Street for a replacement party, in someone's apartment.  Now, a house can easily fit a pack of people.  An apartment has much more trouble accomplishing the same task.  The hostess insisted her neighbors were "very cool" so we all made due crammed in.  

One of the many good things about knowing Ben (the gooshy stuff is not going to make it on here) is that he's let me tag along with him to many parties and such around campus, and I've made alot of new and interesting friendlike beings.  This has also helped me to improve my "meet and talk to strangers" skill significantly.  I don't know what I've always been so afraid of.  Mainly, people are happy to talk to people if they are interested, and happy to recognize you at another party.  It is a good feeling, to feel more connected to where you are.  Knowing people is good.  My brain is sleepy.  ehhhh.  

At the crowded apartment party, I made really good friends with an art major from Chicago named Janice, who specialized in print-making.  She was very passionately respectful of scientists, and I am very passionately respectful of artists (especially when drunk) so we hit it right off.  

By the end of the evening, I was completely woozy and ready to go home.  Of note is the fac that the fountain near library mall was on, and it was really beautiful.  Ben tried to feed me saltine crackers and I could only eat one, and I woke up this morning with crackers all over the bed and floor.  I am rather proud of this fact too, that I had such a good saturday night that I could wake up so keenly disheveled at 3PM on Sunday.  I spent the rest of Sunday just enjoying the company I had, and running a few errands.  The evening was capped off by a Perkins run, and now here I am.  What will this week bring?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/01/2004 05:19:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>My liver probably doesn't ever say TGIF</b>

Goodness, my friday daytime was a whirlwind of labwork.  I went out to lunch with my lab, which was really a high point--we (so far) all get along quite swimmingly.  I finally managed to complete this growth media I've been working on for a couple weeks.  It was one of those projects that require making lots of ingredients from ingredients from ingredients, which makes it look like you could whip up a batch in a day when in fact you've got many long days of reagent making ahead.  

Anyway.

I roped Sharon and Sarah into pouring my petri plates for me while I frantically finished up mixing things, and then we were off in the cars with Roger and Andy, headed for The Great Dane, for a recruitmen weekend appreciation dinner for all those who helped with the recruitment season.  

"Open Bar Dude!!!" yelled Rhett over the cell phone.   And that pretty much sums it up.

What DO you do when you find yourself in front of a well-stocked and well-staffed bar and everything is free?  Drink yourself silly, that's what.  My drinks for the evening were as follows: 

1)Vanilla Stoli and Orange Juice (at the recommendation of Jonah (micro Jonah, not highschool Jonah)--this drink tasted like a dreamsicle!)
2)Midori Sour (at the past recommendation of Cheryl, the post doc I lived with for part of my original hawaii adventure)
-->this drink was by far the most delicious drink I think I've ever had.  Maybe girly, but really, who cares?
3)lemon drop shot
4)prarie fire shot (DELICIOUS!!! tequila and tabasco sauce are gooooood!)
5)random beer with Roger and Rhett and Jeremy
6)random shot I can't remember
7) Malibu and Pineapple with my dear personal bartender Andy

at this point, I was really quite done for the evening.  Happy, but not plastered.  . . and then came the Goldschlager (sp?) shot.  Yes, the cinammonny golden-flecked drink was tasty, but it did me in and did me in again.  That's the trouble with shots--they sneak up on you.  You think you're just fine, and then you realize no, you really are not.  And Goldschalger is a strong drink indeed.  

But I wasn't badly done in, just silly silly silly.  And back to my usual "let's hug everyone!" mentality.  But fortunately, a great percentage of the people there were also of the same level of drunkery.  I still think it's amazing when you realize how many fine and dynamic minds there are at a microbiology gathering, and then to have them all drinking and being merry?  Just lovely!

The rest of the evening followed with transporting a VERY happy Jeremy and also a Roger home, and then driving off to the Cardinal with Andy, Sarah, and Eric for 80's night.  I am continually impressed at my ablility to be thoroughly sloshed but still dance maybe even better than I do sober (except for turns).  I even perfected some dips!!  

After becoming thoroughly tired out, Eric drove us back to Sarah's house, and Andy, Eric, Sarah, and myself took a midnight hike through the nearby park/mountainbike trail.  It was sooo lovely and creepy and calm out there!  I miss the woods sometimes--given that my house in WV is somewhat surrounded by them.  Although I must admit that woods scare me a little, just in equal measure to how lovely I find them.  Eventually we found our way back home and I was declared not legal for driving, and therefore I slept over at Sarah's.  SLEEP OVER!!!! YAY!!!

We got to have one of those long late-night chats that go on far longer than they should and involve girlish giggling.  

What continues to amaze me is that people think I am cool.  I'm still finding it hard to convince myself that I'm something other than too pale, too weird, too curvy, too much of too many things that I think should make me uncool.  Like my utter lack of memory of american history and government, and my tendency to watch music videos for hours for fun.  But I know that these things can be cool.  I think the trouble I have is that I keep thinking that being cool should come with all sorts of benefits like guys throwing themselves at you (mainly that one), and being invited to tons of things and. .. well ok, I do get invited to stuff and I do have grand friends and at least the guys on Okcupid.com are always throwin' lines my way.  So I guess I have no argument.  And now I'm gonna run away to the Mifflin Block Party.  goodbye!
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/28/2004 12:49:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><img src="https://auryn31wv.tripod.com/jpg">

<a href="http://www.reasonablyclever.com/mini/index.html">I don't care if it's old!  </a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/26/2004 12:51:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>What are Sundays For?</b>

It's been quite the weekend, let me tell you what.  There have been several nice, or at least integral flavors to savor throughout the Friday-Saturday-Sunday corner of the week.  

The first is the foil-on-fillings feeling of people just plain not getting along.  It's a kind of feeling you forget about when you get so busy that you never have many friends to begin with.  It's a simple fact: people sometimes just don't get along with other people.  But when it's people you care about, and when it's obvious enough that even I can tell . . .well it is something to dwell on.  How do you fix a problem like this?  Is it even possible to find ways to get a person to like someone they simply do not like?  

Next is the feeling of simple, clean happiness.  Of looking at someone and seeing lovely things in their face that you wanted to stare at for hours.  The warmness of bedcovers, the comfort of doing nothing but play video games and fall asleep watching anime.  So often, I've had to extract out the bitter confusion of starting life over after the big ending.  Do you know how annoying it is to find yourself being happy again, and then watching your brain ruin it with paranoid or obsessive thoughts?  That's what I've been fighting here.  This weekend I was much more victorious.  Now I'm just frustrated that I've had such a wonderful weekend but not really interacted with it as much as I would've liked.  I haven't EXPRESSED my gratitude and happiness for it.    

This is all WAY too abstract for a weblog.  But I stick by my standards of only writing what I'd want anyone in the world to read, and so certain activities, experiences, and sentiments are never going to appear here.  

So really, what I want to share about this weekend is that it was happy.  I went to the farmer's market and bought myself honey straws.  I spent two whole evenings away from home completely.  I bought three beautiful paintings at St. Vinny's for twelve dollars total--two are sillouhettes of palm trees on sunsets, and the other is a pacific coast with a wave crashing down.  I do miss the ocean sometimes.  It was a nice weekend.  

On a completely different note: I wanted to share some photos <a href="http://www.ofoto.com/BrowsePhotos.jsp?showSlide=true&Uc=age3cla9.6f6j0w75&Uy=-fnvm5&Upost_signin=BrowsePhotos.jsp%3fshowSlide%3dtrue&Ux=0">of my highschool pal Jonah</a>, taken by one of his fellow photographers.  They were just too lovely not to share!  I really wish I would've gotten into photography as a hobby.  There's still time I guess.  I just love the way it can capture people.  Sorry ladies, Jonah is <em>taken</em>.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/22/2004 12:09:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>An excersize in "too many months early, but still"</b>

Don't you have something you like to think about when you get bored or bummed or in general when your mind drifts?  Right now, I'm thinking about how nice it will be, in August, to have my own room.  I mean, there are alot of general, practical reasons for me to have my own room.  Mainly so Dave can get a decent night's sleep again without me wandering in at 1AM being the exact opposite of quiet (even if I'm TRYING to be stealthy).  So really, I'm going to be doing Dave a tremendous favor by moving out.  

What will also be awesome will be getting to put up all my lame and nerdy posters again.  I'm definitely putting the <a href="http://www.dom282.btinternet.co.uk/Buffy_poster_1.jpg">Buffy Poster </a>back up, and I also have my eye on a <a href="http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/153/PIN51136.jpg">Johnny Depp </a>poster as well (see, I'll admit it).  But I swear there will be no life-size cardboard cutouts of Legolas.  I swear in general, but here I'm serious.  Seriously.  

I'll also have my lovely queen size bed, which my parents gave to me.  It's a lovely dark wood, with little pinecone finishes on the posts.  My mom tells me that Dad rescued it from being thrown out, and that he took a terribly long amount of time and care to sand off the paint and refinish and stain it.  I have no idea how old it really is, but it creaks horribly.  However, it was the most wonderful moving-out-on-your-own present from mom and dad.  I can't count how many times in the winter, in the afternooon, I'd hide under the the down comforter of that bed and fall asleep.   And when I got it from Wheeling to Madison, and slept in it for the first time after all those years of dorm room extra long twin mattresses. . . . it was just heaven.  

I've been trying to think of a theme for my room, and it's somewhere in the range of Thai Pavillion to Moroccan Love Den.  I'd really love to put a canopy/mosquito net like covering over the bed, but I don't even begin to know how I'd make that happen.  Ehhhh, it will probably just end up being cozy and geeky, and that will be quite enough for me.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/19/2004 12:36:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Not at all the dream I wanted to have!</b>

I had a dream last night that my cat Snow needed me to cut through her head to relieve some sort of sinus pressure.  I was slicing through her skull (saggital section) so that it was being cut in half along the plane between her eyes.  But I got caught up in it and sliced all the way through.  In my dream I killed my cat, and then I realized that she'd died on Christmas Day in 2003.  

I also dreamt I floated across the Ohio River to a zoo where there was a giant octopus and a Red Raptor Breeding Program.  I awoke before any mayhem could occur.  

So this weekend, I watched Kill Bill, Kill Bill Vol. 2, and Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.  So there's been alot of "killers for hire" theme running through my head.  \I wanted to launch onto a discussion of this topic, but really, I don't have anything novel to say about it.  The most fun thought during that inner tirade was this: 

How can you owe yourself anything, when to owe implies that you possess something that you should give to yourself.  It's interesting how you can divide yourself into parts.  Parts to control and owe, and parts that dole out rewards and necessities.  I spoil myself alot.  Work is never a main priority.  Life is.  And I don't mean that is some sort of "I'm a student of life, oh-so-enlightened" way.  I'm just saying that work doesn't make me feel good about myself.  I mean, I feel good when I do a good job, but I don't think I'll ever be like some of the other students, burning midnight oil forever and ever to get work done.  I'm really nervous about keeping my sanity--it seems so tenuously attached.  

My best memory of this weekend was walking up State Street with Ben, talking to my Mom on the cell phone, like I had promised her I would.  She had suspected for a long time that things between Dave and I were closing up.  "Someone once told me, Amber, that ending a relationship is a series of closing of doors" she would say.  I think that's a correct, in this case.  It is ALWAYS good to talk with her, and the weather was so beautiful--almost too wet and hot, but with a persistant wind.  Everyone in Madison is so visibly happy; it is wonderful to be out walking amid so many smiling people.  

Another  week, no?
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/17/2004 01:11:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I love me my Rumi!!</b>

A thirsty man calls out, 'Delicious water,
where are you?' while the water moans,
'Where is the water drinker?'

The thirst in our souls is the attraction
put out by the Water itself.

We belong to It,
and It to us.

God's wisdom made us lovers of one another.
In fact, all the particles of the world
are in love and looking for lovers.
--Rumi

Eehhhh, don't have much to say right now.  Kindof sleepy.  But it was a NICE day.  Any day that hits 80 in April is a good one.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/13/2004 11:47:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><table border='1' cellspacing='0' cellpadding='2' align='center'><form action='http://memegen.deskslave.org/viewmeme.pl?un=chi_a_baidh&meme=1074632017' method='POST'><tr><th colspan=2 bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#DDDD88'>Who will you be stuck with at end of time? (sorry, no more pics) by <a href='http://www.livejournal.com/~chi_a_baidh'><font color='#DDDD88'>chi_a_baidh</font></a></font></th></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#FFFFFF'>Your name is</font></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA'><font color='#000000'><input type='text' name='Your name is' value='Amber' size='20'></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#FFFFFF'>Your sex is</font></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA'><font color='#000000'><select name='Your sex is'><option>Male<option SELECTED>Female<option>Undecided</select></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#FFFFFF'>Your favorite color is</font></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA'><font color='#000000'><select name='Your favorite color is'><option>Red<option>Orange<option>Yellow<option SELECTED>Green<option>Blue<option>Purple<option>Black<option>White<option>Other</select></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#FFFFFF'>You are stuck there because</font></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA'><font color='#000000'>everyone else died due to the wrath of God</font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#FFFFFF'>For _____ years</font></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA'><font color='#000000'>58</font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#FFFFFF'>With</font></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA'><font color='#000000'>Jackie Chan</font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#FFFFFF'>He/She will think you are</font></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA'><font color='#000000'>beautiful</font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor='#000000'><font color='#FFFFFF'>You will</font></td><td bgcolor='#DDDDAA'><font color='#000000'>slap them across the face</font></td></tr><input type='hidden' name='un' value='chi_a_baidh'><input type='hidden' name='meme' value='1074632017'><tr><td colspan=2 align='center' bgcolor='#000000'><input type='submit' value='Fill Out Your Answers and Try it!'></td></tr><tr><td colspan=2 align='center' bgcolor='#000000'><font size='-1' color='#FFFFFF'>Created with <a href='http://www.livejournal.com/users/quill18/'><img src='http://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif' style='vertical-align:bottom;border:0;'><font color='#DDDD88'>quill18</font></a>'s <a href='http://memegen.deskslave.org/'><font color='#DDDD88'>MemeGen 3.0</font></a>!</font></td></tr></form></table>

Yay!!!  Jackie Chan is cool enough.  I mean, I don't get to be with Alice and Johnny Depp, but hey. . .that's life.  

The big news for today is that I finally told my parents the engagement is over.  I know, I waited a long time.  I wanted them to have happy holidays, and I wanted to be centered enough so that I can cope with whatever their reactions will be.  Screw the past: I'm just happy I told them.  

In OTHER OTHER news: I am beginning to believe my apartment is haunted.  

I woke up in the middle of the night again, and had the feeling that someone was in the room with Dave and I.  I saw someone standing in the doorway to the bathroom, but when I put on my glasses, it turned into the shoe rack I had just placed on the door that night.  I'm just not digging the weird, repeated experience where I wake up and think that either: 

A)Someone other than Dave is sharing a bed with me
B)Someone else is in the room

It's just weird.  Me no likey.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/11/2004 11:30:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Epic Weekend.  Small Post.</b>

I'm kindof dissapointed in myself for not recording more of what has happened over the weekend.  Really, though, Friday was a one of those days so crammed full of experiences that you can hardly believe most of the things actually happened.  Actually, I tried to sit down earlier today and recount how Friday played out, but I ended up getting bored with it.  And if I find it boring, it's pretty darn likely you'll all zone out even earlier than right now.  Besides, I'm still on the epic quest to get some good sleep.  Lord knows the weekend wasn't going to hold much of it (NOT complaining).  

I believe one of my millions of horoscopes for the weekend said to remain open to the possibility of meeting new people--and certainly this ended up being a good weekend to try that sort of thing out.  I went to at least 3 events where I met new people, and still managed to hang out with my own crew of micro students.  I also supported the great cause of gay marriage rights by attending a benefit concert.  I heard wonderously good live music, especially from If Then Else.  I danced and danced and danced some more too!  

My friday, after the usual dinner-with-friends, roamed about Madison with the incomparable Ben.  It must be said that it is through him I have experienced nights that lasted till 3AM.  Late-night stumbles back from the capitol back to the dorms with all sorts of interesting people wandering state street.  The people I have met recently are so terribly cool in comparison to me, I feel like.  But it just puts me in a state of some awe.  Sitting in a beaten up couch on the 3rd floor attic of someone's house, watching people leap happily to music or take nice soothing drags of substances I haven't smelled since junior high. . . .all I could keep thinking was wonderlandwonderlandwonderland.  

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a huge stranger to any sort of night life that didn't involve staying indoors with five people or less.  In Wheeling, and in Hiram, it was a rare thing for a large group of young people to get together for ANYTHING.  So when I get to go to clubs or to dance parties, part of me just wants to sit in a corner and smile happily, watching all these people my age enjoy eachother's company.  It still excites me to no end to see people wandering around campus in large drunken numbers at 3 in the morning.  So I'm in wonder still.  There are people dressed like true geeks, punks, creative people.  Beautiful ranges of people.  

Still, deep down I sometimes feel like some alien hidden in a human body, watching everything on earth with excitement--observing--but never really feeeling a part of anything or anyone.  When I get insecure, this feeling gets worse.  I'll sit and stare off into nothing and wonder where I am, and who I am.  These are questions I never felt like I had to ask myself before now.  Isn't that funny?  I mean, these are big questions you think I would've gotten around to asking myself some time in the last 22 years.  But no.  So now, sometimes I feel lost.  I don't know where my life is going, but I'm still continually amazed by it.  

Wow, this has really been an abstract post.  I'm sorry I have nothing specific to report.  Alot of me drinking and dancing, and that's better witnessed than recounted.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/09/2004 12:06:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><em>Get up you're asleep at the wheel!
Get up you're asleep at the wheel!
Get up you're asleep at the wheel!</em>
--Bloodhound Gang

For all the right reasons, and with the best of intentions, I haven't been getting enough sleep this week.  I know some people can handle 5 hours a night, but I really cannot.  I need at least 7-8.  And when I repeatedly get less than that, I start to degrade like so much protein left on the benchtop.  I start having weepy episodes late at night because I'm tired.  You know, we all used to do that when we were 3 and needed a nap.  It always takes me by suprise when I act that way now.  But once, my dear Alice pointed out that often the evening depressive spells are because she just gets tired.  And she is very right!

So tonight, in like five minutes, I'm going to put on my pajamas, do the nightly tooth brushing and face washing ritual, and go to bed.  I'll get 7 hours of sleep.  Wake up, debate on forking out about 7 bucks for the day and driving in, or riding the bus and not having transportation when the partying starts in the evening.  I'm probably going to drive, since I bought 3 NEW CD's whilst at 1/2 price books and Frugal Muse that I'll want to listen to.  My new baby additions are: 

1.  "Stereotype A" by Cibo Matto (ahhh, the lovely ex-Japanese duo I discovered on Jet Set Radio Future!  Dreamy and food-oriented)
2.  "One Fierce Beercoaster" by Bloodhound Gang (an awesome CD, reminds me of when I used to borrow it from Sam.  Fantastic beat and narsty lyrics)
3.  "Visual Audio Sensory Theatre" by VAST (One song they actually played on Angel.  But really I like it because it makes me feel like I'm waking up in a refurbished loft apartment in the warehouse district.  The sun has just gone down and I've been wearing the same clothes for three days.  Waay too much metal jewelry that has left pinks imprints on my face.  I exit via a window, sliding down the fire escape to my sweet motorcycle, and I zoom off into a night filled with neon lights reflected in oily street puddles. It's this genre that I can just barely taste and even less nearly describe.  Leaning towards gothic punk where I can smell the subway stations)

Sadly, none of these CD's are new to me.  1 and 3 I found at the radio station, and had listened to during many a long afternoon of work there.  2 was a borrowed selection from the venerable Sam Ford.  Who I still miss.  WHERE ARE YOU!!??  Eh, that's what happens to friends sometimes.  

Wish me luck in dreamland!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/07/2004 01:23:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Alot out of Me</b>

Well, I am confronted again with the eternal problem of needing to go to sleep, but wanting to reflect on my day and feel like I have talked with you all.  Ok, at least fifteen minutes is acceptable. . . .

Today has been a good day, although it's been less than satisfying.  I slept in--having stumbled in last night at 2AM (giddily).  I woke up in a panic, realizing I hadn't scheduled my microscopy lab for the week, and it was possibly I had been slated for Tuesday.  But thankfully, I was not--fear woke me up, and coffee kept me that way.  

COULD IT BE ANY MORE GORGEOUS OUTSIDE?  It was nigh' 70 degrees out, and bright shining when I finally made my way to the bus stop.  On the number 50 bus, I settled in to reading my Cowboy Wally comic book, loaned to me by the lovely Ben.  The bus grumbled on, and at some point I heard a voice behind me ask "What are you readin, stranger?" --a subsequent moment of panic while I tried to match the voice to hopefully someone I knew.  Turned out it was Jeremy of the Longhair (from Sharon's Lab).  It's always so unexpected to run into someone else you know on the bus!  Yay for non-strangers!

I got on campus, ate lunch, and prepared for a call from Ned at 2PM.  Originally, I had planned to spend the day being very productive and making some amino acid solutions.  Unfortunately, by the time I got around to working on them later in the evening, I realized I didn't have all the equipment ,reagents, and sanity I would need.  Sarah helped me out and kept me company while I swore at the flask containing Leucine that wouldn't go into solution.  I left feeling like I didn't accomplish near as much as I wanted to, and that likely I'd wander in Wednesday morning and find out all my problems were solvable in five minutes, if only I had asked about them earlier.  

Well, I wanted to talk a little bit about Life, and what a lovely evening Monday was, but now I'm damn sleepy, and I don't want to mess it up.  Ok, goodnight.. . zzzz<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/05/2004 01:52:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Full Moon Monday</b>

Well, it's been a weekend filled with goodies--alot of them really.  Friday night was the typical great combination of sitting on the Terrace, getting delicious dinner with friends, and boogie-oogie-oogie-ing down at the Cardinal.  My favorite friday night moment was dancing to "99 Red Baloons" on the topmost platform, with my hands barely touching the ceiling and feeling like I was above all the cares of the world.  It was pretty darn magical.

Saturday, I grabbed a shower and then went out shopping with Sharon and Sarah.  We went to a local arts fair, and frolicked joyously about the main St. Vincent Depaul store on the east side.  We took turns bringing hideous vintage outfits to one another, but we also found some great deals for eachother.  I was very excited to find a WVU mug, among other things.  I drove us all out to the West Towne Mall so that I could get  a REAL ACTUAL CELLPHONE.  I trotted away with a really sexy new phone with scary voice recognition software--ACTIVATE!  

Back at Sarah's house, both Sharon and Sarah gleefully put together dinner for us (myself, Ben, Andy, and Eric).  I loved listening to the two of them banter back and forth in the kitchen, sharing all their expertise.  They've got the mad cooking skills.  Same with Andy and Eric: I like to listen to them consult one another on electrical wiring and other projects around Sarah's house.  These are my friends!!  Delicious risotto as well as spinach salad, and poundcake with sherbet for dessert!  Then I was stolen away for a dance party over on the eastern side of campus.  

A dance party?  The closest thing to a dance party we ever had in Hiram was the infamous Bowler Hall "Stupid Party" which wasn't really that exciting.  That was one dorm room with only a handful of people.  Although this dance party in Madison started out small with me being the only girl and dancing replaced with watching The Big Lebowski, it soon picked up as more and more people arrived.  It was an interesting event, to be sure.  Ben's friend Conner helped to point out some of the guests, who ranged from theatre to student government to newspaper to, well, random grad students such as myself.  I met alot of new people, although I only remember a handful of names--it was exciting to meet so many interesting people in one night.  Eventually Ben and I wandered out of there, down the suprisingly loud 2AM saturday night streets of Madison.  

This sunday was a bit quieter.  Met up with Sarah, Sharon, Eric, and Andy (I brought me Ben) for a matinee viewing of Hellboy.  Although my socks were never really knocked off anywhere in particular, I feel it's really worth the money to go see it.  The special effects are good, the writing is witty though not Joss Whedon level witty.  I kindof wish I had read the comics to see just how well it does it justice, but it was fun.  Even had tentacle monsters.  After dinner, spent the evening napping in a dorm room (another thing I had originally thought I'd never witness again).  Then Ben re-taught me how to play Magic before reuniting with Roger (who had been gone to Kentucky for the weekend) at Perkins.  So yes, a descent into geekiness is ocurring.  But he's patient with my re-learning of the game, so it's actually pretty enjoyable.  

So, the inevitable question is: what does this week hold for Amber, and the world at large?  Frankly, I cannot tell.  This monday marks another full moon, which is always interesting, and sometimes meditative.  I've got a fair amount of things to reflect on from this past week, so I'll be busy.  Now I must sleep, and hopefully not sleepwalk.    <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/01/2004 11:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>GET THEM OFF ME!!!</b>

I woke up and there were spiders crawling all over the walls.  Big, black, spindly-legged fat-bodied spiders.  I freaked out, and from beside me I heard Dave mumble "It's ok.  It's ok."  

And then I stared hard at the walls and the spiders were gone.  The walls had gone back to being clean and neutral.  No spiders.  I went back to sleep.

After a long but relatively productive day, I came home and apologized to Dave for likely badly startling him.  I was expecting a laugh, or some sort of teasing for the strange event, but instead he shrugged and told me I'd been doing stuff like that for almost a full week now.  Apparently, I've been getting up in the middle of the night, stealing all the covers, and walking around the room in the dark, then getting back into bed.  Now, Dave is a horrifically light sleeper, so this undoubtedly has had a very negative effect on whatever friendship we have left.  I apologized again, and he shrugged again: 

"It's ok.  I figure you must just have alot on your mind."

It's definitely the truth, whether I'm aware of it or not.  I'm starting to have work in lab, so my brain has gone to gear-cranking on that.  I've had bills to pay and cards to send.  Also, I've been wrestling with the whole issue of dating again, and obviously that's weighing heavily on me.  I think it's time.  It's rewarding.  But it also forces me to think about things I'd otherwise ignore.  Like what I really should look for in a guy.  Or wrestling with the "who do other people think I should date" vs "who do I want to date" issue.  How do I juggle having a guy and having friends?  Where do we go once the hormones wear off?  How serious to I want to get here?  BLARGH!!!

I'm mainly trying to live everything from day to day, both life and love.  I'm happy with where life has me right now, even if the future is boiling over with unknowns.  

As a side note: 
you should all try this choose-your-own-adventure game--<a href="http://www.bradthegame.com">Brad The Game</a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/29/2004 01:09:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>On Being Adult</b>

As far as I can tell, and I'm likely ripping off Hallmark or something. . . becoming an adult means confronting things that, as a child, you never imagined you would have to confront.  Sometimes it's little things, like doing taxes or changing your oil.  Sometimes, it's bigger things too, like deaths in the family or starting a new life on your own.  

If anything, this week, this month, this semester has been about becoming a shade more adult.  I'm definitely not claiming to have made such vast improvements as to be a true adult, or even that I've made improvement at all.  It's more that my perspective certainly shifted again.  I feel like I'm finally in some control of my life.  It's still tinged with alot of underlying, untouched sadness, but there's alot of sweetness to life right now.  

Friday night, I introduced a guy I've been dating, Ben, to my friends.  And I was so nervous that the micro kids wouldn't like him, or that he'd be in a little shell around new people.  But it was warm and friendly and I met HIS friends too.  A great evening at the Cardinal--even got to dance to "Like A Prayer" by Madonna, which requires much girly-like belting out and smiles.  

Saturday, we micro folks went on a little picnic at Picnic Point (appropriate).  I brought sandwhich meat, cheese, bread, and Ben (who brought girlscout cookies).  We had quite the feast!  After that, Sarah and I went over to St. Vincent DePaul and I bought some awesome button-down dress shirts (for layering), two t-shirts (one concert shirt and one turquoise shirt that has "Join the Celebration" in pink lettering, a bulletin board, a clipboard, and a glass with a lobster on it.  I am still very excited about the prospect of clothes being sold a dollar per pound.  Then it was home to make dip for Rhett and Jeremy's party, and then obviously off to the party.  I was happy to get some time to chat with both Sharon and Andy, because seems like I don't often get that chance, and I love my Pisces.  

Sunday morning, I had breakfast at Ella's Deli on the east side with Cindy and Sam (my mom's 1st cousins) who live in upstate Wisconsin.  It was suprisingly welcome to hear about all my relatives on mom's side and how they are all doing.  Babies, puppies, and new houses.  I didn't tell them about me and Dave.  Even when I went home and talked to mom on the phone, I just couldn't bring it up.  Mom sounds so happy.  I don't want to start down that road, but I need to.  

I helped clean up the apartment and paid my bills, and went out to lunch with Dave to Babe's--where we inevitably talk out some serious stuff but also just check in on one another.   So once I was back out onto campus I felt pretty free from responsibility for the day, which was good.  Part of what amazes me about this life is that I have to learn to relax and let go more often than I have to focus and perform.  I spent the afternoon/evening watching Space Ghost (Bears and Sharks: Nature's Best Friends!), wandering state street and grabbing a delicious dinner at Tutto Pasta.  Recently, it's been alot of flashbacks to undergrad: involving watching cartoons and passing out in those accursed extra-long dorm twin mattresses, as well as playing alot of video games.  From a literary perspective, I really like the obvious contrast that life has written in for now.  Undgrad vs Graduate, uptight vs. rule-breaking, planning versus living in the now.  

According to the horrorscopes, this next week will be much less traumatic, and focusing on relationships, family relations, home & garden, and general spirtual healing.  I truly like the sound of that.  Here's to a new week!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/25/2004 01:31:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>So happy Springtime!</b>

Hello kiddies!

Well, I've made it through the Monday and Tuesday of Homework Assignments.  So now, I get to return to some sort of life again.  Today I even got to buy issue 2 of the Conan comic.  It's stylized in all the right ways.  I borrowed a copy of "<a href="http://www.time.com/time/columnist/arnold/article/0,9565,464146,00.html">Blankets</a>," and I think it's changing my life.  I mean, don't you sometimes see a movie, or read a book, and just feel it seep into your thoughts from then on?  I just love it.  *sigh*  

Life is pretty good.  It also seems so radically different from a week before.  Probably mostly due to it being no longer spring break.  And to top it off, the weather is FANTASTIC.  It's hovering around the upper 50's and humid.  To me, it is the perfect weather.  I don't need brilliantly sunny.  I don't need 80's.  I need this.  And it's here.  I walked to the west transfer point (bus station) and I could actually smell the soil.  That smell is the perfect spring smell--it's a phrase I can remember saying to myself over the course of many springs.  Spring smells like mud.  

Spring fever can be hard to deal with.  It makes me want to do a better job of cleaning up my part of the apartment.  It makes me want to buy pretty spring clothes.  It makes me want to run around in the rain, like the spring of 2002 and Goober and Sprite and I walked the 3-mile square in a warm spring rain.  It was just to beautiful to care about whether or not we were soaking wet (we were).  It cleansed us, just like spring always does.  And I need that again.

On sunday, while driving to campus, I was sorting through the romantic side of life, trying to get that in order too.  Thanks to the invention of the internet, I'd actually managed some options for dating.  But still, my feelings were all mixed (and still are) between wanting to feel appealing and do romantic things in this new city, and also how panic attacks loom when I start to think about commitment.  And then I had to ask myself. . .why the panicking?  And my mind answered up with all the quiet and happy moments I've shared with people I've loved, and how I always thought Dave was going to be the one for me.  I was so very convinced, for so very long.  I still don't think it was me just being in love with being in love.  Dave and I understand eachother on some deep unidentifiable level.  Or at least, that's how I feel about it.  But that's not enough.  And I'm not sure what person I am now--that's the big problem.  Too much of me is changing for anything constant to thrive.  

What jumped out of some hidden part of the brain was a realization that I'm still burying alot of the pain.  Sometimes I can't even imagine why I'd still have it.  I've got a wonderful career, great friends, a fantastic city. . . And I don't want to poke at that lump in my throat.  

But really, it's not anything disasterous.  I was just reminded of the emotional objects I'm still carrying.  The dissapointment and relief.  The confusion, the uncertainty.  Never ever ever wanting to love again, and realizing that I can't go without loving someone.  That's my church.  

I'm really trying to sort this stuff out, not just for me, but for those I date.  For my friends too.  For my mom, who I need to tell soon.  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/24/2004 02:24:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The best movie is:</b>

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

I was absolutely pleased with this movie, although I don't want to see it again anytime soon.  For it to really hit home, as a movie, you need to have loved someone. . .anyone.  Wow.  I'm tired, but wow.  Great movie.  

I have this inexplicable urge to wake up on  farm and do some gardening.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/20/2004 11:31:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> So what kind of week is it going to be?</b>

SO it's gonna be Sunday.  

I've had an unusual weekend, in that I spent alot of it working on a paper for Heidi's class.  Got up at 6:30 this morning (saturday) to get on campus to work early.  It was so beautiful and peaceful on campus that I was sad to have to spend the calm working.  And Sunday will be about the same.  Even had to cancel a viewing of Don Juan Demarco to make sure I had time for this darn thing.  I want it to be good, but I also want it to be done.  

According to the horrrrooorrrscopes, Pluto will be influencing the next seven days, resulting in much life/death/rebirth-like changes and events our lives.  Could be interesting!  

Also, the boys will be back from Chicago, and it will be interesting to hear of their exploits.  

Also, I have a topics presentation on tuesday on Simian Immunodeficiency Virus!!! IT IS MONKEY TIME.

Finally, a little chunk of wisdom from my mom, which I'm meditating on this week, after I get homework done: "In the long run, it's MUCH easier to just always tell the truth."

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/17/2004 04:22:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I stand by my theory:</b>

Sam Ford is the author of my life.  And maybe Dave's too.  

Some of you know Sam (those that went to Hiram with us) and some of you do not.  He was unequivocably the best friend I ever did have.  Usually, when I was breaking down crying, he was there to walk around with me at 4AM.  Sam was an insomniac--he was always available at those weird hours when nobody should be awake.  Though occasionally unstable, he was almost always someone I could depend on and confide in.  Words like "sport fuck" and "bitchery" were given and taken without flinching.  

Unfortunately: I haven't heard from the damn boy in many many months. . . Anyway, in 2002 when Dave and I broke up on V-day and got back together once on April Fools Day, we formed the theory that our friend Sam was likely scripting our lives.  Sam is by trade a writer in real life.  Most of the time, things are marginally weird on a day-to-day basis.  Your basic Random Encounter type things.  But every once and awhile, Sam would craft a day that just could not be ignored or forgotten.  . he decided to let you have one of those days where you wake up the morning after going wondering if all the things you remember actually did happen, or was it just some feverish dream?

And really, yesterday was one of those intoxicating, crazy days.  Like those episodes of Buffy that contribute nothing to plot whatsoever, but you enjoy as they stand all by themselves.  A departure from ordinary life.  That was yesterday.  That was also Sam.  And wherever you are, Sexy Phil, feel free to keep em' coming.   I still miss you!

 <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/16/2004 12:42:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>This is why we don't give Amber margaritas on a school night, isn't it?</b>

Apparently, in my sleep last night, I uttered the following statement: 

"mmm. . .That's SEXY, like science"

I could be misquoting myself, but I won't be offended.  But I think Dave was disturbed.  Apparently science just turns me on, which is good, since it's my JOB.  Nice coincidence actually. .. . ANYWAY, maybe I was dreaming of my future husband: 

<img src="http://www.caltech.edu/~media/commence/billnye.jpg">

Ahhh, I could be Mrs. Bill Nye the Science Guy. . . *sigh*
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/14/2004 04:17:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Mid-March Report</b>

Yay!  it's halfway through march practically!  Time for the celtic cross tarot-reading edition of Amber's weblog: 

Significator (me): doing ok, in between having worked out alot and now resting, and wanting to work out again.  Saddled with much work for the break, but ready for it.

Crossing Card (obstacles): I feel like napping, not looking at bills or sorting through my old stuff.  Also realizing that if and when I move back into the dating world, it will require actually meeting people I don't know probably--scary.

Crowning Card (current atmosphere): So, in general, life is better.  Maybe just because it's spring break. . .hard to tell.  I'm not going anywhere exotic (except maybe in my head when I space out from reading journal articles).  It feels like spring in my life, even if it's flurries outside.  Lots of opportunities, options, and I just bought new shoes.  

Base of the Matter (goals): I'm looking to somehow mesh all my desires with staying healthy, safe, and on track.  Trying to not go broke, in all senses.  

Past Influences: Lonliness, much frustration.  Confusion in the areas of love and life.  But also (in going to hawaii) a return to peacefullness and a sense of direction. 

Future Influences: HELL IF I KNOW

Role or Attitude: Positive, but also slightly confused still :)

Views of Others: Do I know what they're thinking? nope :)

Hopes and Fears (the double edged-sword, eh?): Want to be loved, want to be satisfied.  Afraid to take risks and end up all in shambly crumbles.

Where one finds oneself: Well shit, I did one of the online tarot readings, and got The Tower--which signals drastic ending to something ("Unforseen catastrophe").  Well, you heard it here first.

In other news, yesterday I threw out the pair of socks I once wrote a poem about.  Of course, the poem was about how they had lost all their elastic and betrayed my heel to an especially cold Ohio winter day. . . so maybe it's the right thing to do.   <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/12/2004 01:07:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Why I love my brother so damn much!</b>

WonderBoy2402: go to sleep
WonderBoy2402: already
WonderBoy2402: jeesh

ForeverNewt: NO BEOTCH

WonderBoy2402: "beo-tch"?
WonderBoy2402: i am not a devil

ForeverNewt: suuure you aren't
ForeverNewt: why don't YOU go to bed?

WonderBoy2402: I DONT NEED SLEEP TO FUNCTION... I AM A MACHINE

ForeverNewt: Well then why don't you go eat a battery or something?

WonderBoy2402: MMM....YES HUMAN, I SHALL DO THIS

WonderBoy2402: *THUDS DOWN THE HALL WITH WIRRING AND THUMPING*

ForeverNewt: activate your tank treads fool!

WonderBoy2402: **OVERBOOST** *VIRAAHHHAAAA_KSSSSSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
WonderBoy2402: *cool mecha action*<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/09/2004 12:24:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>This is like . .. . . 

Having dinner with someone you used to love, many years later.  

Walking around your elementary school when you've graduated from highschool.

See, I'm in hawaii right now.  It smells just the same.  Feels just the same.  I have to remind myself constantly that I'm not in some dream where my brain is painting a cheap facade of tropical paradise.  I'm really here.  Hawaii IS heaven--warm and soft and blue-watered.  But it's also a place you can't live forever, or even for a whole summer without taking it for granted.  

I'm learning tons of cool science.  I feel as close to at peace as I think I ever have in my life.  Especially if ignore my lack of romantic anything.  Then, life is nearly perfect.  At the very least, Hawaii is.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/07/2004 04:19:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>In case you were wondering</b>

I'm in Hawaii for the next couple of days, for science.  I'm hoping it's a good thing.  According to astrology, sunday is going to be a heavy-minded sort of day.  I already feel it.  I've been snappish and selfish lately.  I've needed more hugs.  Sometimes you feel like being strong and sometimes you just want to whine and lean on everyone else.  Or have things handed to you, for just a little while.  

Wish me luck kiddies!
-Amber-<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/02/2004 10:29:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>If grad school is going to teach me one damn thing. . . </b>

It's going to be how to give talks effortlessly.  Or, at least with less anxiety and procrastination.  It's really annoying.  I've done all kinds of reading for my presentation, but here I am not wanting to do anything close to putting it together.  Let ALONE practice it.  I hate practicing speeches--mainly because I like to put off what I think is going to be a traumatic event.  This is ridiculous, because I am generally a good speaker--even better if I've got a memorized speech.  Heck, I've been in the top five in my state for that kind of shit.

I think it's that my brain runs on a different wavelength than my mouth.  When I give a memorized talk, it's like singing a song.  When I have to give a speech that's EXPLAINING something, I have trouble keeping it slow and linear.  

But I know gradschool is going to make it better.  Starting tomorrow (when I give a short lecture and lead discussion on a journal article).  

Tomorrow is one of those days that will be so fantastic to have finished.  Everyone is antsy on campus.  I think most of it is that keen relief of having February behind you.  That month is pretty lame.  It's been springlike, so that makes everyone crazier still.  This wednesday, I have to get up and buy some overheads/print them, get my booty to class by 10:45 AM.  Give 55 minutes of background material/disscussion of the results of the paper/discussionquestions.  Go to seminar at noon.  Go to lunch with friends.  Wait until Ned's available to discuss papers (3ish).  Either go to step class (haven't worked out in a week) or go home.  Shop for groceries.  Sleep.  

Thursday will be pretty open.  I may meet with my professor to talk about how the presenation went.  I also want to reward myself with shopping for a little somethin' for Sharon and Andy, who have birthdays coming up.  And somewhere in there read a paper for pathology 750.  The evening will be perhaps ballroom dancing practice, and I somehow promised to drink on thursday night.  In return, I have been promised full protection at Salsa Night at the Cardinal--no having to dance with random men.  

Friday and Saturday I am hosting a grad student recruit for the final recruiting weekend for the microbiology program.  His name is Yann and he seems to originally be from France?  We'll see.  

Then Sunday. . . Sarah and I hop on a plane to HAWAII for the yearly <a href="http://www.meddean.luc.edu/lumen/DeptWebs/microbio/KV/POW_WOW/POWWOW.HTM">pow-wow on squid vibrio research</a>!! EEEK!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/27/2004 08:10:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Some Days are Better than Others</b>

It's, to me, the golden standard of facts.  Can't be happy forever, can't be sad forever.  And from yesterday evening through this morning, it's on the bluer side of things.  

Part of it is that I've felt tired all week.  Not just sleepy, but that achy sort of tired that makes you think maybe you've got the flu or something.  I just don't feel rested, even after getting 10 hours of sleep yesterday.  Can't satisfy the lethargy.  

On the bright side, it looks like whatever drama was brewing in my clique within a clique has faded and played out.  Sure, there's still spurts of it.  But people look happier, though still tired.  

I guess I'm just tired.  Being happy doesn't take effort, but avoiding unhappiness does.  It's that time of the month where I just want to cuddle up with someone who cares, not hit the bar scene or fish around for a date.  I'm not sure the latter is ever going to work.  

I'm proud of myself for trying to help my friends out.  That's something I've typically been crappy about.  Always off in my own little world.  I tried to help this time around, and i think maybe I did a little.  I do care.  But now I feel kindof spent.  It's not good to work so hard assuring everyone you're ok, when really you aren't.  I'm not seriously bad.  Just not as good as I'd like.  Things are busy enough without trying to put bandaids on everything.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/24/2004 12:26:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Being semi-productive</b>

It somehow seems like a long time since I enjoyed school and felt really good at it.  I mean, you never LIKE school when you're younger, but I remember when I used to feel smart.  And then hormones and insecurity kicked in, and there were boys to moon over and sleepovers. . .eh, you get the picture.  Life more frenzied and complicated, and school was just some hoops to jump through.  

Today was maybe the first day, in many years, that I felt like I was smart and productive and worthy of being paid to go to school.  

I went in to lab the night before to read a paper or two for class on Monday.  Came in early (8AM, peh, I know, not that early, for you maybe) and two more papers in the morning, paid attention in my Path 750 class, where the professor actually used the word "Pimp" during a lecture on the immune system.  Participated in discussion in the next class.  Had a wonderful lunch with friends, where we kindof laid out what the week might be like, from a social standpoint, and thought about where to focus good vibes this week.  

Then back to lab to wait for Ned to call from Hawaii to discuss two more papers I was to read.  It's something we've established since Ned is in Hawaii for a couple more months, and it will help me get settled into the system I'll be doing research on.  Last week, I felt like I did a really mediocre job discussing papers.  In my reading, I focused on all the wrong things, and breezed over the important points that Ned asked questions about.  But THIS week, I knew what to look for.  Ned asked alot of tough questions that I actually fired back correct answers for, like the difference between strain ESR1 and ES114, or how I thought something should work.  I was just beaming when I hung up the phone.  

Went to my kickboxin' fitness class (I'm the only one who leans low on my kicks, so I feel special), then hopped a bus home to take a shower and eat dinner and actually see Dave.  I'm really glad we aren't all pissed off at eachother.  Gives me somebody to call names.  

Then back on to campus to work on a really lame assignment due Tuesday afternoon.  4 page critique on a paper for Topics Class.  Fell asleep reading the paper in the library, so I moved to the Old Biochem building, bought a Butterfinger and a cherry coke, plopped down on the couch, and read even more scientific journal articles.  My brain is now full.  I feel like I really worked on alot of things today--although the paper isn't going to get written till tomorrow.  I'll get in at 8AM and have approximately 6 hours to work on the damn thing, allowing for lunch.  

There's still some drama going on--I'm getting the impression it's the price you pay for maintaining friends.  Eventually drama happens and you are exposed  to it.  These friends are definitely worth it.  Now if we could focus on keeping the group together, and not sharing a brain if it means we'll all be scatter-brained and forget to call people. . .  

Tuesday is Mardi Gras!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/21/2004 03:52:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Collage of a long friday</b>
<i>aka another ambiguous post</i>

Can't help but be ambiguous, because these are ambiguous times.  We all agree that February is always about drama.  That people hold out trying to make their lives right, through Christmas, and then the New Year comes and we start taking stock of things. . .and by February, life has changed.

I'm not worried about being alone.  I know that, depending on where I set my standards, I could always find someone.  I feel for Eva because I know just what this part is like, where you don't want another relationship.  You just want to feel loved, without having to love.  Wanted.  And you are convinced that this should be a golden opportunity: a girl looking for rebound and healing.  

It SO isn't.  

How do you walk that line?  How do you find this person you could trust enough with your feelings and funny faces, who won't be upset that you refuse to fall in love with them just yet.  That you could leave tomorrow.  Where do you find the person that cares like that?  By chance.  I already had my chance in history.  This time around,  there are no friends with benefits to cushion my ego and help me move on with life.  

Talked to Sharon at the reception for recruitment weekend.  Wanted to give her fifty thousand hugs.  She's being strong while her ex-boyfriend posts a weblog stating that he already has a crush on someone in the group.  She thinks it's me.  I don't know what to think.  I don't want in the middle of this.  I want to help Sharon, because it's like helping myself, you know?

I was sitting in stadium seating at the Kohl Center watching my first Badgers Hockey Game, and it seemed profound how this was the life I was living.  Like waking up in bed when you fell asleep on the couch.  I thought about how maybe Dave would have enjoyed the hockey game, complete with fights and cheers like "Get on your feet, old people"

I drove everyone around this evening--insisted Roger get to drink at the Essen Haus since he's giving up drinking for Lent.  Got to feel useful and adventurous.  Taught Jeremy a little bit of how to Polka.  Let Amalia wear my pirate hat.  Even got dipped on the dance floor--cheers from the girls for being the 'dancing queen'

Honestly, I don't know what to think.  

Turn on the radio and its a Crash Test Dummies Song that Dave used to sing.  In the car, the friends start singing "If I had a million dollars" and I flip out slightly.  That's how Dave always got me, through music.  So now I have to be careful.  It's another careful time in my life--and it's so tiring.  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/20/2004 07:49:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Well, had my first <a href="http://www.scifispace.com/html/firefly.php">"Firefly"</a> dream last night.  

Ok, ok, so the show's by Joss Whedon, so it was inevitable that along with "Amber as Buffy" dreams I'd have "Amber as captain of a firefly class vessel" dreams.  I was skeptical of the show at first, given that Fox cancelled the show mid-season.  But really, it's a VERY good show.  Extremely character driven, but with a fresh mix of Space and Western.  It's a damn shame that Fox canned it, especially before later episodes could be filmed.  

In my dream, I was captain of a spaceship, and my friends and I were trying to outrun the law or some evil force.  We hired a complete crew without telling any of them we were running from the law.  At 4PM, while they were all still packing up their bunks onboard, we took off.  The launch area was a long hallway, and as we lurched and zoomed forward down it, I could see one of the Harkonnen brothers run into the hallway behind the ship looking abandoned.  "I'll miss that guy" Captain Amber said.  We continued to pick up speed down the hallway, past residents of the port city we were docked in.  They went about their business.  At last, we saw the hatch opening to let us up into the sky, and it was then that the theme music started in. . . It was one of those dreams that you wake up from and just smile.  

Of course, I woke up smiling, and realized I'd slept in till 10:30. . .but oh well.  

I want a spaceship!

Also, I'm hoping to go to a Badgers Hockey game today. . . my new hockey name is: Vladimir Pollackov

My Wu Tang Klan Name is : Ungrateful Ninja!
(fun with name generators)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/17/2004 12:41:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ain't no suprise</b>

I'm a big wuss.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/15/2004 10:47:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><i>PREFACE</i>

My history of friendships with girls is perhaps more torrid and inconsistent than my romanitic history with boys.  My friendships with girls, up until perhaps senior year of highschool, usually involved being friends for awhile and then one of us turning on the other in a firestorm of two-faced behavior, whispering bad things about that girl to new friends, and of course the old friends finding out. . . . I finally did get dependable friends late in highschool, but as soon as I got my first boyfriend I left them for the joys of making out.  

When the honeymoon ended for me and Chris, I found myself single, but I also found myself being friends with the lovely Emily Fox.  We supported eachother through our respective crushes and the subsequent dissapointments of crushing on anyone.  We spent many speech-practice nights giggling about Dave K and watching her track-running guy scurry past the highschool at practice.  We shared scenes and lip-synched backstage during the musical "Pippin."  We designated eachother as twins.

And then I graduated, and started dating Dave K., and I really haven't seen Emily since.  

For the majority of college, I didn't really have any close girl friends.  I was friends with Eva before we broke off to date Sam and Dave.  There was Vanessa, a fellow biology major, who I started out hating and ended up wishing I had spent more time with (my other bad habit: hating girls because they are too close to who I am, and then wanting to be their friends).  It wasn't until Dave D. and I broke up in the spring of 2002 that I found myself depending on girl friends, specifically my dear Alice, who's weblog is linked here.  

Alice, along with Sprite and Adam and James and of course, Sam, saved my life when everything seemed so crappy.  She listened to my kiss-and-tell stories, and we got eachother on an emotional level.  

And then I started dating Dave D. again, and we didn't see eachother so much.  


<b>Inaugural Meeting of the Prince Charming Fanclub and Anarchist Society</b>
This Valentine's day was perhaps the most fun, emotionally comforting, and actually romantic Valentine's day that I've ever had, single or not.  Sharon hosted myself, Sarah S., and Amalia for a single ladies' night.  It was very important that we do this, since Sharon and I both are recently back to single-dom.  Amalia made salad, Sarah made pasta, I made pina colodas and brought champagne and strawberries, and Sharon made TRUFFLES and cups of chocolate custard.  We spent forever laughing and eating dinner.  We watched "Chocolat" and laughed some more.  Got online and I shared Homestarrunner and Sharon shared "Cows with Guns" and we googled everyone we could think of.  We looked at orchestra trip pictures and college yearbooks.

By this point, it was 3 in the morning, and it was time to go home.  SO we slowly packed up all the remaining goodies that we hadn't played or eaten.  Sharon opened the door to let us out, and stopped.  There in the door was a heart-shaped "Happy Valentine's Day" Balloon, a bag of hershey's dark chocolate kisses, and a note, which among other things had inscribed: 

<i>"To my favorite underground society" 
--Prince Charming
</i>

From the handwriting, we could tell who it was.  It took another hour maybe to stop giggling and take pictures of the Prince Charming Fanclub and Anarchist Society with our gifts.  We all agreed it was perhaps the nicest V-day we'd ever had.  And that really took me aback.  I've been single, not single, broken up, and given gifts on V-day.  And this was the best one, the one that made my heart especially warm and made me laugh all evening.  

It makes  me nervous.  Because I fluxuate between really wanting to date someone, but I don't want to be all coupled again.  I want to be free to have girl friends.  I want to do both, and it should be possible.  I need to work on it.  It looks like I'll have time, because there is no prince charming for me yet.  I'm not healthy enough in the heart, though somedays I feel perfectly fine.  I want to be, for myself and for others.  And I will be.  I just wish I knew when!  

So here's a toast to the lovely ladies who made my night so worthwhile, and to prince charming for making us feel special.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/09/2004 06:14:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The lessons you learn</b>

You know how some days go by quickly, and others never seem to end?  

It's still Monday.  And it's been a long day, for better or for worse.  I woke up, delirious from sleep lasting 5 hours. . . I like that my eyes in the morning are so puffy they look like somebody else's eyes.  I think maybe it's more exotic.  Got up, and plonked down in front of AIM (that standard of post-breakup times) to chat with some early-morning friends.  AIM chats are funny things, because you get alot more information out of people that way, even though it is so much more detached.  

There have been several thoughts running through my head today, all dating-themed since it's almost V-day.

The first is how highschoolish life has become all of the sudden, since turning single.  The micro program started out with the majority of men single and ladies taken.  Now the single ratio is, I'd say, 5:5.  I've chatted with Roger and Rhett about what prospects I have there.  There's a bit of matchmaking already going on.  It's all so highschoolish.  Like in highschool, when I told my mom that I thought David K was cute, and then she told my speech coach, and my speech coach arranged somehow for him to ask me out to Prom.  So I indicate to Roger the two guys I think are cute (can you believe using this word still?!).  From then on, it's been me messing with my head, wondering if one of them actually likes me or am I reading too much into things?  

I'm desperate to get my hopes up.  I have to fight my brain not to start running with the idea that someone likes me, because it may not be so, and I didn't want to come down that hard.  So I get info that one of the guys likes someone, but so-and-so cannot reveal whom, but when I ask "It's not me, right?" they reply that they aren't going to say who it isn't or is.  So, in amber logic that means it IS me.  And of course this monday morning I found out it wasn't.  So my morning was utterly obliterated, emotionally.  Later in the day, I found out that they had said if they could date anyone in the program, it would've been me, but I was taken.  In my mind, that's an easy choice to make when there's no chance they might actually be able to date you.  

Second thought is hesitancy.  I'm hesitant, and too horribly eager to be off and romantic.  I love to be in love, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think I'd be knee deep in another heavy relationship.  It makes dating a fellow micro grad seem so tempting, because I would not have to work so hard to get to know them.  I'm a friend-dater by trade.  But the downside is that if I mess it up, I've messed up perhaps a friendship as well.  We're all pretty darn close in the program, but so close that there's not much room for error.  But then again, the element of risk is appealing.  So appealing.  

Really, after talking to Sprite and Roger, I found some peace within myself.  For one thing, I WAS cute enough for someone to say that they thought I was cute and of everyone in the program, date me.  So there is some hope maybe someday for that guy, but I will not push the issue.  I really should try to enjoy this time, and feel my way towards a greater sense of independance.  

That's what it really comes down to.  What's really exciting isn't necessarily the masses of men that I *could* theoretically date.  It's the fact that life has shoved me into a future that is far from predictable.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, but at least I feel like I own whatever future that is.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/08/2004 04:38:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>It's too easy</b>

I was going to make some comparison of relationship withdrawl to drug withdrawl, but jesus christ that's an old and tired comparison.  Downright true, though.

I find myself in the middle of the "don't want a real relationship, just justification I'm still dateable" phase, which is just after the "shock and awe" phase.  I've accepted that things really ARE over, but now I'm getting antsy.  Fidgety.  Effected by the moon itself, maybe.  

Friday was a crazy night, with a full Snow Moon to boot.  People were breaking bottles all over the Cardinal's dance floor, while we were all drenched and sweatin' to 80's night.  It was crowded, we were all hot, and the dancing felt good--just getting the chance to twist and turn and belt out "Like a Prayer."  Maybe it's why I love dancing, because it lets you out.  You get to feel sexy, and that's good medicine these days.  

I'd like to say that something exciting happened on Friday, but really it wasn't a night for me.  We all had a fantastic time, don't get me wrong.  There are just some things I've let myself believe to feel better, and now I need to sit down with myself and say hey, you're a lovely lady, but don't get carried away.  Don't start reading into things because really, I'm too eager for hope that someone else likes me.  And I know it's gotten silly.  I confessed my foolery to Sharon, who's also recently single and a captive passenger in my car, and I feel better about it now.  I shouldn't need someone interested in me to feel good about myself.  

But really, that's how I got out of depression last time I was single.  It's harder here, where I'm still relatively new and not sure even attempting dating within the program would be a wise idea--but that's mainly the only people I know.  "Long-term relationship" makes me feel nauseous. .. .so who would be decent but want to put up wtih me?  Blargh.  I wish there were an easy way to be dating happily again.  Valentine's day, peh.  

The bright side is that it seems likely Sharon will let me share her apartment next year.  She's strange in the best ways and also recently single, so I have a friend to confide with.  She also has a saltwater aquarium.  Bonus.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/02/2004 11:49:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The bad thing about Madison is: </b>

Anybody remember the first time they drove when the roads were winter-terrible?  I do, because I did it just a couple of hours ago.  Around 4PM this afternoon the snow began to float in--it was really beautiful, and the air was in the balmy upper 20's.  You know you've adjusted when 20 could honestly be classified as balmy.  the snowflakes were light and fluffy, but falling pretty steadily for many many hours.  Of course, I figured that, being the capitol of Wisconsin, Madison would have its main streets plowed by the evening.  

I'm a damn fool, and I know that now.

My little honda, aside from the random audible complaints during the less-balmy -20 days, has been great to have around.  Unfortunately the same light weight that makes it zippy also gives it a bare minimum of traction once the snow hits the road and becomes a heavy slush that no damn snowplows seem to care about.  To top it off, I wanted to get to Zomary's house for movie night, and in a strange convergence of fate I had to make, like, 3 left turns from a full stop at intersections.  Imagine it if you can.  tires spinning, and me not going anywhere, exceptt right back freaking home, where I tried to get the fierce deity mask in Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. . . . but I ran out of bombuchu's and gave up.  

Dave's first day of work seemed to go really well, but I'm sure he'll say something about that.  I'm happy he's got something to be happy about.  I'm admittedly a little jealous of all those good things, but really we've both been blessed with some great opportunities this year.  I have no idea where fate is taking either of us.  I met our lab technician, who's a darn cool guy from Alaska.  I believe he claimed he was the lone microbiologist in all of Fairbanks.  I think.  I'm glad he seems to be a calm non-fussy person.  Here's to good first impressions.

Aside from these things, the only other highlight of my day was going over to the Southeast Recreational Facility (SERF) and taking a hip-hop dance class.  Yeah, I know, it's pretty ridiculous sounding, and frankly it wasn't really all that fantastic, aside from the spritely little guy with the headset bopping around and leading us in Britney-esque routines.  I don't think I'll be back again, although I had a good time.  Just not very challenging, or rewarding.  But certainly entertaining.  And the SERF is HUGE, and packed with people at 5PM.  There were literally herds of undergrads thundering down the indoor track.  And me, lack-of-gym-ease girl, trying to just find my way to blend in.

Now to sleep I go--tomorrow is another schoolday<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/01/2004 11:53:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Much bigger post someday pending</b>

At some point, I'm sure I'll post a long, drawn-out entry about the state of my life.  But for now, so I can go to bed, I'll keep this short.  

On the dark side, 
It's a funny thing how drastic turns (don't they always seem drastic?) in your life can make you feel physically carsick?  horrified?  Very very ill.  And yet life isn't all that different.  But I hate having to discipline my thoughts so I don't careen into despair over things.  

I've gained maybe 40 lbs since highschool.  Not cool.  I always vow not to look at scales, but I couldn't help it.  This makes me nauseous too.  It feels like waking up and realizing you've grown a second head.  when did this happen?  How could it?  

On the bright side, Dave will have money soon, and I can start to spend money on myself again.  Get a new haircut, start working out more.  Finally got some info on my possible project for research.  Might get to go to a meeting in Hawaii. I may become a viable, attractive human being.  

I agree with Dave.  Everything is looking up, almost.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/28/2004 06:11:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sometimes cowardice is overcome by friends</b>

I think it was some time last week that I avowed to Alice that I would go to one of the two gyms on campus and at the very least explore it.  See, I'm paying huge student fees (not voluntarily) every semester, which allows me free access to said huge gyms.  And on top of that, I'm totally losing any shape I had gained from Jiu Jitsu. . . . martial arts forms classes . . . life up until now. . .yeah.  So I was doing the oldest dance in the body image book: clothes that used to fit don't anymore, some days look good in the mirror and others really really don't.  

Put off going to the gym out of fear--I mean, I've never really worked out in a gym.  I don't know where I'm supposed to put things, or what shoes to wear where. . .silly things really, but scary enough that I didn't make the trek to either.  So today I just gave up and asked Rose and Kendall if I could tag along with them to a fitness class.  Which really meant I got to follow them through the doors, locker rooms, etc. and have at least one pathway that was "OK" to follow to the class. 

The class itself was a cardio aerobics class, and I agree with Kendall that maybe all that bouncing isn't so much fun.  But it was challenging and I felt like I got a chance to work out alot of frustration that has been building up over the weeks.  And this morning I wake up feeling a little strained, but accomplished.  

Man, hokey and perhaps more personal than interesting, but what the hell.  

Other than that. . .still driftin a bit.  Our lab's all finished, and the lab tech is supposed to be in soon.  Our phone's workin'. . .so I'm almost ready to settle in.  

And other than THAT . . . life's pretty quiet, because the work hasn't started being due.   <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/17/2004 03:27:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Daaaaaaance the night awayeeee</b>

Well, this week I think I came as close to being a depressive as possible.  Ok, that sounds really overdramatic, but you have to understand I'm typically decently upbeat, and getting too depressed can be really disturbing, mainly because you don't always know how to get out of it.  

It's been a hard little break.  I don't think it could've been any other way, since I would inevitably become bored unless I was working, and working would've stressed me out.  Ach, this is all babble.  On to the good stuff.

I panicked because I thought that I was way behind on getting things lined up for research/work during the spring semester.  I talked to Sarah, who's also going to be in the lab, and found out she was in the same boat.  I know we all think it so fantastic to be independent thinkers, to follow what we think is right in our hearts. . . but sometimes it's just good to know you are in the same position as someone else, especially someone you respect.  So things are better there.

I went to a party thrown by some of the older kids in the Microbiology program, and actually had a really good time.  Started out not knowing anyone but the 1st years, and inevitably met a *few* new people.  Not many, but it's a start.  Also got to make a great joke about the pineapples soaked in rum by saying "I'm a little soaked in rum myself" or some other nonsense.  But I made some girls laugh, so that's pretty impressive.  I can be happy being the goofy one.  I don't think I have much of a choice anyway.  

I also learned that I'm much better at doing the hustle if I'm tipsy.  But not too tipsy, because that dance involves alot of spinning around, ala Saturday Night Fever.  For the 2nd night in a row, Roger and Andy and I have gone out dancing at The Cardinal.  Last night was salsa night, which made for some challenging dancing, because I don't have much ballroom/couples dance experience.  Sure, I can shake my booty, I can even get the steps right--but trying to follow somebody's lead, that's hard.  Last night we had dancing pro's Andy, Jess, and Sharon.  Of course this lead to the slightly awkward girl/guy ratio of 2 guys to 3 girls.  Tonight was 80's night, and it was tremendously better for me.  First off, 80's dancing is great because you just need to sort of bounce and flail about--white people can still look good at this dance.  And it's versatile because you can bounce or do the twist or just. ..  .well flail about.  Good example of this is the dancing scene in "The Breakfast Club."

Anyway, apparently you can do the hustle to almost any 80's dance, and apparently I'm pretty darn good at this dance, at least  if I've got andy to lead.  Although admittedly I won 50 points for knocking his glasses off.  I really want to get better at all these dances,  not just because it would be fun and I'd have some activity in my life, but also because it would really help these dance nights if I could take someone who couldn't dance and show them how, just as Andy does.  I can follow, but that means that Andy has to teach us all every night, and Andy's not dancing with the guys.  I strive for equality!  Also, I'd like to be able to dance without having to always be thinking how to anticipate the next move and not clothesline the guy.  My deadly accuracy for the neck isn't as useful outside of Jiu Jitsu.  

Mini Rant: We, the youth of america, have somehow missed out on social dancing.  Any european, and perhaps south american  person typically you kick your ass when it comes to dancing.  To them it's all so natural, and we have all these hangups about it.  What went wrong?  When did we get it into our heads that only pop stars and cheerleaders dance?  Dancing is FUN.  Social dancing is fun on several levels, because you: 

1. Get out of your house
2.  Get to dance to the music (aka be active, which I'm trying to do more of)
3.  Get to act like HOT STUFF

Really, I'd say only 25% of dancing at the most is about actual dancing skill/ footwork.  Ok, rhythm is pretty important too.  But the great majority of dancing, imho, is having a good time and letting it show.  Even if you dance like Elaine, if you dance with a sense of humor it doesn't really look that bad.  Carry yourself like hot stuff that's having a fantastic time, and you've got it.  Unless it's industrial techno, or moshing. . . but that's a whole other story.  

Anyhow, I'd like to keep up the dancing, as well as get more people involved in it somehow.  I'm just really tired of feeling my body go to crrrap before my very eyes, you know?  Ech, anyhow.

I drove home with the roads covered with ice!  I RULE!!!

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/13/2004 02:17:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> A little somthin' somethin' before I sleep</b>

Not much happening, but I saw "Big Fish" today, and I highly recommend it.  The least dark of the Tim Burton movies, to be sure, but amazingly whimsical without being silly.  I really, really loved it.  I also love Ewan, oh yes.  I went with some microbio friends, and we went to perkins for pie afterwards.  That was pretty much my day.  

Every time it comes to be tuesday, some of us joke about going to Fetish Night at one of the local bars.  I suggested that, to fit in a bit better, we could go as a medium-sized group and all wear labcoats, and proclaim ourselves to have a "geek fetish."  To me, this is all fun talk, because really if I had to put money on it, I'd say there are only a few people who would actually go and have a good time.  Being the AVID people watcher and self-proclaimed geek fetishist (is that a word?) that I am, I'm working up courage slowly.  Madison is just full of freakiness, and I'd be sad to leave regretting never seeing such an event.  I also eventually want to get a little group for Rocky Horror sometime, but that also isn't for most people.  

But all this led me to some websearching for proper etiquette for these sorts of events, and I ran across <a href="http://www.gothicmissmanners.com/">this</a> site, which is great fun to peruse, and work safe.  I'm not even close to being anything like goth unless you count my love of darker clothing, but I think what this lady has to say could apply to everybody, freaky and non freaky, geeky and nongeeky.  So enjoy!

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/11/2004 03:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Another week's reprieve!</b>

On thursday, I think, I realized it was like, the 8th and not the 15th. . . which rocked alot.  I go back to class on approximately the 20th.  SO basically 2/3 of this month is all mine to slack off horribly.  I can't change that, so I should stop whining about it.  

My most constructive acts for the month so far are doing all my laundry + packing up the warm-weather clothes, and beating Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask.  And now I'm reading Stephen King's "Dream Catcher" because I got it for x-mas and it's GOOD.  And I liked the movie too, YEAH.  

In other news, my gluttonous sleep continues :)  wake up time ranges from noon tilll 2:30.  Dave even attempted to wake me up earlier with the smells of breakfast. . .I did wake up then but I figured if it was for me, he'd wake me up , so I missed the point of him opening the door and wafting in the smells--I missed it completely.  But it was ok, I had a dream that I travelled back in time to highschool--for the first time it was a good thing.  I looked just like highschool me, and I wasn't really in class.  

My mission was to talk to my best friend Angela--who in real life I haven't seen for YEARS.  It was like I hopped into my highschool self and tried to send a message to Angela.  It seemed to constitute "This is Amber, but I'm from 2004.  I'm 22 now."  and then I tried to let her know what a good friend she was and how I didn't want to lose her like I already did.  

It's pretty sad.  One of those dreams that you wake up feeling profound.  I felt like maybe, just maybe I really did go back and time and Angela will call today.  Dreams like that, the ones that feel real, are WEIRD.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/05/2004 02:16:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>See, this is why I can't enjoy a freakin' vacation</b>

Admittedly, I find this pretty funny.  I hurried myself back to Madison, thinking there were going to be a million things to do and take care of, and then I got here and realized that class doesn't started till the 20th, and most folks aren't coming back till at least mid next week.  Which isn't that far NOW, but it was far last week.  . . And I'm completely embedded in procrastination.  

I should somehow get my spring semester settled.  See, 

1.  The lab I'm going to work in won't really be ready till, at best, March.  

2.  We are supposed to be in a lab directly after February, so at least there the two coincide.


What's tempting is to just take advantage of the extra time between now and March.  Alternatively, I could either keep working in my last lab rotation lab on a cool, but unrelated project.  OR I could get my ass together and start formulating my project that i can perhaps start working on in someone else's lab until our lab is ready.  I'd prefer the latter only because I could get started on some thesis work instead of losing time.  

Ok, so Amber needs to start the e-mails again.  To my advisor, to the department secretary, oh yeah, and to my rotation PI's to let them know what my decision is.  I also need to mail Sam & Barrie's christmas presents, because I keep forgetting to go to Parcels Plus when it's open.  I also need to contact evil Huntington bank and tell them to shut down my freakin' checking account because I haven't used it for a year.  Eventually determine when I need to change registration, etc. to count as a resident of WI--the car is in both mom and my names, so maybe it can stay for awhile.  Need to change the oil again.  Need to do my laundry, as well as put all my clothes and toiletries back where they belong.  Return my lab notebook to the lab, after making sure it's complete.  Get my character sheet for D&D printed out and re-organized. . . .blargh.  

And despite having a whole week alone just to accomplish the petty stuff, I feel overwhelmed again, and end up not wanting to do anything but sleep too much, eat too much, and play Zelda: Majora's Mask.  

I AM ON VACATION!!! ARRRGGGHHHH!!! And it's not any fun, because even now I'm not on vacation.  But I'm whining.  It's in my hands to get all this stuff done.  

Also, I have no money, and I want to go sledding but don't have a short but warm coat for sledding.  Damn.  Also don't have a sled, or anyone who'd want to go sledding with me.  Do I even have a hill to sled on?!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/30/2003 03:04:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Back to Madison. . . </b>

Oh, it's time to go back.  Keepin' it short because I need to get a little sleep before I head out.  

It's weird, how life seems to be so parallel universe here in WV.  Like I am still independant fantastic Amber, but I'm living my WV life instead of my WI life.  A whole different range of friends and places.  But I'm getting tired.  It's getting all far too nostaligic and meditative for me.  I'm not centered here.  And admittedly, I miss Dave alot.  I've gotten to run around Wheeling with my friends as psuedo-single Amber, and I've had great fun and enjoyed everybody's company. . . but nobody is Dave.  He really is my significant other.

Ok, before I get uber mushy: I hope you all have the happiest of New Years--I'm excited I'll actually get to smooch Dave this year when the ball drops--that's a first for us!

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/27/2003 04:23:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sketches of Being Home</b>

Oh hell, alot has happened in the last couple of days, and like always I let them build up and then can't possibly cover them all in the blog.  Besides, I'm really not sure anyone could wade through them all if I did.  So I thought, ok Amber, let's just throw up the 1-2 sentence thoughts that have been skimming through, and at least you'll have something to start with.  So, here it is: 

Fell down the stairs today, and I'm blaming it on the kitten even though it was probably more my sexy new boots I got for christmas.  It's a funny thing when you fall, because it goes so much slower than normal time and yet you can't seem to stop what you're doing.  You feel. every. bump, including the one where you bounce your head off a wooden post and just lay there amazed and crumpled at the bottom of the steps.  

Been spending alot of time out with the friends from highschool.  Some of them I've known since kindergarten, but even the highschool-originated ones are far enough back in my memory that it's all nostalgic.  All those memories getting farther and farther away, but hanging out with them brings them back, sometimes in suprising ways.  

There's something about Eat n' Park that makes you laugh till it hurts when you're there with friends.

I love second-hand smoke.  I love breathing it in for free.  

I also am enjoying the blisters my new boots are causing.  It's amazing how those little bubbles of water form without you doing anything to will them so, and they burn and scrape just enough that you can get some sort of masochistic happiness out of it, because they are now really YOUR boots, and they'll fit you perfectly some day.  

The boots make heavy clunking noises when I walk--I feel like a superhero.  

Depression sometimes seems like a luxury--When I have the time to be depressed, I'm usually depressed for awhile, whereas when I'm busy I don't have time to be depressed.  Of course then it waits for the vacation.  But really, not depressed right now.

Sometimes in life you have to just close your eyes and walk.  I have no idea where life is going right now.  It's busy and interesting and rewarding. . . and i'm taking it one breath at a time.  Trusting God, or whoever.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/22/2003 01:33:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I made it!</b>

Made it all the way to West Virginia, on my own, in my own car.  Don, my brother, is the coolest.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/19/2003 03:04:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>December 18th Collage</b>

The key to happiness in life is not money or power or  looks or intelligence: it is friends.  Friends make life worth living, especially when it's so cold and lonely outside.  I can never thank any of them as much as they deserve for all the help they've been giving me.  I went over to Rhett & Jeremy's and ate a huge slice of chocolate cake.  But I feel better, but sometimes I still just want to throw up, or collapse.  I need strength.

It was one of those classic scenes at the airport where one says goodbye to the other and there are kisses and tears welling up and strong smiles.  

All the christmas presents I bought are in my car, including a life-size cardboard cutout of Legolas, for my cousin.  

"It's for my cousin, I swear" I told the guys at the comic book store.  The friendlier one laughed and they offerred me a mint hershey's kiss from the candy jar.  

Saturday I go home.  I've bought three CD's and an audio book.  First big trip all on my own ever.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/12/2003 09:34:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Things do, in fact, work out ok</b>

Ohhhh, I have had some crappy moments lately.  I've mentioned the worst of them already.  it's kindof a hard week, just emotionally, but on top of that I realized yesterday that it was my last day of classes, and I didn't have any finals.  THAT was cool, but also a little disturbing.

Pretty anticlimatic really.  

There has been plenty of drama at school this week.  A HUGE case of plagiarism in one of my classes, that's semi-hush-hush.  Everyone is trying to figure out what lab they are going to work in for the rest of their time here (approx 5-6 years).  See, this is how it works: you arrive bright and shiny at orientation week, and then have to do a minimum of 3 1-month rotations with different labs, where you get a little project and you work and see if you like the lab, and the lab sees if they like you.  Looking back on it, I'm glad I always had a lab to go to (Ned's) because I don't think I did a very good job of working my ass off and making super-friendly with the people in the lab, in the hopes of them choosing you over another rotator.  First off, I refuse to burn myself out.  I'll go slow if I need to, but I'm not going to come in at 8AM, go home for dinner and come back till 10PM.  Thankfully, none of my labs have seemed to ask that.  But other people's have.  

It will make you crazy, working your ass off and then not being sure if the lab will choose you.  But some folks don't have any other choice--they want in to labs that are popular, and you have to compete with the other first years.  . . I've avoided this stressfulness by joining Ned's lab, BUT I still feel how hard it is for my friends.  And being already settled means I'm not very good for consoling people.  It's going to work out for everyone, but in the meantime, it's a rough time for them.

Fortunately, it looks like fate has smiled upon Dave.  I got home early yesterday and he came in all dressed up in the sexy business suit--we know where he'd been!  Talking to the guy behind the voice on the answering machine that holds the promise of work in das computers yah.  Honestly, Dave was starting to act a bit strangely before that. . . I think the work at Stop n' Go was finally getting to him.  This new stuff sounds promising, and I got to joke him that he'd move from working in "CLERKS" to working in "OFFICE SPACE."  I envy him a bit--getting to try all different kinds of job while I trudge faithfully down my looooong microbiology career track.  But I love what I do, and I love who I'm becoming.  At least sometimes.

We had a nice date thursday night--hadn't really spent much quality time together for some time, it felt like.  And I finally got up my nerve to say that one of the poems he's been writing had bugged me more than just a bit.  What's important about this is that I actually told him, instead of just stewing away at it FOREVER.  He explained who the poem was about and why, and it wasn't so scary.  I've been with myself long enough to know some of my weaknesses and needs, and in relationships I just need to feel that I'm the best of all the girls.  Simple, no?  heh, I know.  Even wanting to feel sexy stems back to it.  I don't mind hearing another girl hit on Dave, or that he thinks a girl is pretty, as long as I get a little reassurance that I'm better than that girl.  I need to keep in mind that Dave's here, living with me--and not some other girl.  I try, but it isn't easy.  I'm insecure, and I'll admit that.  I don't need someone sending me love letters every day or mooning over me constantly.  I just need to know that I'm wanted and loved.  

I'm not sure I'm doing such a good job on my end of the relationship, so having let Dave know what I need, I should start thinking about other people.  I type it here, so now it has to happen.

Don't know what I'm doing for x-mas break.  I kindof want to drive home, but I'm bummed to do it all by myself.  Dave is flying home to see his family.  that's a whole other issue, but I'm tired of typing.  This entry is too huge already.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/08/2003 10:25:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Another thing I always like about Buffy. . . </b>

Was that every time she underwent some huge trial or life change--she'd get a new hairdo.  What was better was that you couldn't tell if the hairdo made her change, or her change made her get a new hairdo.  

That's my thought for today.  I was feeling piiiiisss poor this morning.  I mean, crying and wanting to beat up something yucky--and it's highly likely that's just evil lunar hormones.  Anyway, I spent an appalling 3/4 of the day feeling like this.  I wrote angry little paper journal entries, swore muchly at traffic. . . it just wasn't good.  

At the end of the day, I got in my car and set out to find my hair salon for my 6:30 appointment, and it took I think 3 passes on Regent Street to finally find a place to park my car, walk back, and find the darn place!  I had a little extra time, so I went and grabbed a sub at Subway--scarfed it down without worrying about how much dressing was probably sliming my face.  Then back across the street to Cinema Hair (what a name eh?).  Walked in the door.  

The place smelled sooo good.  Everyone was well-dressed, and the rest room was chock full of scented candles. . . . 

Long story short: Chelley took 7-8 inches off my hair, but not before giving me a scalp massage with rose oil and asking me if I wanted anything to drink.  I don't know, it sounds rather silly, but it was a strong step up from all my other salon experiences.  At first, I wasn't really all that impressed with my final haircut--but then she snipped a bit here and there and it took shape--I have little side bangs now, and it's all shoulder length.  My hair is all cleaned up and freeeeee!!!

I went to Copps, feelin fine, and bought a little miniature pinetree/xmas tree, and then went NUTS at the dollar store on christmas decorations.  And I feel much better.  Although now I dont' wanna do my homework :(<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/07/2003 12:33:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Isn't life funny that way?</b>

It's weird how you can go a month where nothing much of anything happens, and then in the course of three days your life changes drastically?  Well, I guess life can't drastically change over a month--then it would be a gradual change. . .but still.  

I think it was wednesday that I just got up the guts and e-mailed Ned to say I'd like to join his lab.  I'd kindof known it in  my gut for some time that it was still where I wanted to go to do my thesis work, but I really wanted to give all my internships a fair chance.  I've been having a fantabulous time in my last lab, but I still want to work on my glowin' bacteria.  So I e-mailed him.

On thursday, he e-mailed me back to tell me he was delighted that I had decided to join, and that he'd be in madison the next day and that we should get together and chat a bit about the future.

On friday, I was late getting in because I couldn't find anything I wanted to wear, but I made it to lab eventually.  I had a talk with Laura (my current PI) to let her know about my decision.  I was pretty horribly not poised and stuttered alot, because I wasn't sure how socially kosher it was to have decided, and I just get nervous generally all the time.  But Laura had apparently figured that was where I was going all along, so it wasn't a big deal--her lab is going to be backed anywho.  

I met with Ned later that afternoon, and we chatted about what seems now like a milllllion things.  There are all kinds of exciting opportunities coming, all sorts of interesting work to do, and lots of big and important things to think about now.  The part of the talk I remember the most was where he told me I could be a Principle Investigator someday, and that if he thought I wasn't capable of it, he wouldn't have asked me to join his lab.  He said he didn't know how to teach students who weren't intelligent and highly motivated.  Some moments in life are just sooo good like this, in between all the moments where you think you're fucking up and you've just faked your way into the midst of all these really gifted people, and someday they're going to find out you're just really good at memorizing things and pretending you understand.  It's the rare moments like this that keep you from just quitting.  

Saturday has been weird, because I had a weird dream last night.  I was in a big dining hall full of people, and Sam came in and I gave him a big hug and told him how much I missed him.  He gave me a video which turned out to have these four chicks singing on it?  I just remember feeling all teary.  I know I miss Sam, but it was just one of those dreams where you wake up feeling like you've talked to them, and it makes you miss them just a little bit more.  

Oh, so other than getting compliments and having weird dreams about Sam's music videos, life is just going on, and I don't have anyone's christmas presents ready, but that's not too different from any other year (present-wise).  

In other news, I finally got my ass in gear and made a hair appointment, so who knows what fetching new do' I'll come back with.  One of my grad-friends recommended this lady, and it's an Aveda place, so hopefully this will end well . . . <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 12/04/2003 07:33:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I am a big fat copy cat</b>

This is a quiz from Alice's site, but I like it too, so there bitches.

What is
[in your head]: "All-star" from Shrek?!
[in your mouth]: harvest blend juice, and hopefully coffee soon
[on your bed]: Dave :)  and martha stewart red paisley comforter set
[in your closet]: many clothes, but the greater percentage of them are on the floor
[in your heart]: I wish I could go back to bed, instead I have to go to school :(

Would you rather
[Be famous and misunderstood, or loved and forgotten?] Probably loved and forgotten, *sigh*

[Have to do the same thing twice or leave mistakes be?] leave mistakes be--I don't like revisiting mistakes
[Be rich and popular or poor and happy?] poor and happy. . . but as long as that meant safe and healthy too
[Be beautiful or smart?] I'd love to just be beautiful, but it won't last no matter how great your genes are.  So, smart it is--although that doesn't always last either.
[Be all-powerful or all-knowing?] all-knowing.  I think that's power in itself, and then people aren't bugging you all the time.
[Have the power to ruin everyone you hate, or the power to make life blissful for everyone you love?] oh geesh, I'm not evil enough to pick the power to ruin--besides, there are alot more people I love than people I hate.  
[Find a cure for cancer or solve faster than light travel?] Damnit, I'd go for FTL travel, but I don't want to die of cancer either. . . STILL maybe we'd discover other planets that had the cure for cancer, so I say FTL travel.

If you could
[Be any disney villian]: Definitely melleficent is the most evil and fun, but Ursula is also good times.  I'd be their daughter if they had one.
[Have any super power]: Shape shifting OR slayer power
[Have a doctorate in]: heh, Microbiology I guess, although it would be cool to have one in fashion design or something crazy artistic  like that.
[Speak any language]: Mandarin Chinese 
[Go back and change one thing]: Date more people in highschool instead of clinging to one boyfriend!

Famous/Historic/Legendary people
[Meet]: Cleopatra and Catherine the Great
[Speak with]: Joss Whedon (I'm a dork, I'm a buffy dork)
[Understand]: Buddha
[Have sex with]: <a href="http://media.movieweb.com/gallery/805/02.jpg">those hot Mariachi's (Antonio and Enrique . . . and that other guy?)</a>
[Fight]: cripes, I don't really want to fight anybody in history in particular.  
[Be descended from]: Jesus or some holy figure
[Be]: Madonna
[Marry]: Dude, I wouldn't marry any of them.  it would be a hassle to be with famous/historic/legendary people for life.

Do you believe in
[angels?] 
[demons?] 
[faeries?] 
[aliens?] 
I believe that people see strange things and call them these things above.  Frankly, I believe that strange things exist, although they might be stranger than one people call them.  
[soulmates?] yes, I do, although I believe that there are many people who you may just have such an affinity for--why would your soul match one and one soul only?
[soul-enemies?] Naaaahh.  Life's too short to hate people from other lives or whatnot.


<b> as for thanksgiving</b>

It was awesome, the new kitten at home is adorable, and I made it safely back and forth on greyhound, and met some. . .interesting people who insisted on talking to me.  Oh well.  Life is ok--crazy since the end of the semester approaches, but ok.  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/25/2003 05:17:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>FREAKING SLIME TRAILS YO!!!</b>

<img src="http://www.fitchcom.com/images/slime.jpg">

Thankfully, I get to start my thanksgiving break off with my work in the new rotation lab finally paying off: I've been trying to get this procedure to work so that I could visualize the little slime trails that these parasites leave behind as they go. . . . it didn't work last week, and I figured with my luck it wouldn't work this week either. .. 


BUT IT DID!!!

I don't suck at this!  Huzzah!  

I'm going home to WV for thanksgiving break, on greyhound through Chicago and Indianapolis. . . could be interesting, no?  Much love to everyone! Have a happy holiday season!


ALSO: <a href="http://www.seasonale.com/default.asp">For the Ladies</a>

Is this not the most insane and possibly great thing ever?
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/23/2003 10:28:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Like a steak drizzled in slut-sauce!</b>

Here's to a new episode of Sealab 2021.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/23/2003 09:51:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> I wanna be like Alice!</b>

So I got an astra-ma-logical report too!

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others
You are a natural diplomat, reasonable, tolerant, fair, always willing to listen to varying viewpoints, and ready to see the other side of an issue. Even if you strongly disagree with someone, you will try to find points of similarity and agreement rather than emphasizing the differences. You often avoid taking an extreme or one-sided stance on anything. You have a strong desire for harmonious and pleasant relationships, and express a spirit of cooperation, compromise, friendship, and fairness. You very much want to be liked and because of your need for approval and acceptance, you are easily influenced by others' opinions, especially when young. You so much want to please that often you will suppress your own intense or unpleasant feelings in order not to offend others. Sometimes your politeness is interpreted as phoniness or wishy-washiness. Find out more with your full-length report... 

 Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Proud and intensely individual, you really want to stand out, to be the very best you can be, and to be recognized and appreciated for your unique contributions. Doing something well and being respected for it is extremely important to you, and you cannot tolerate being in the background, taking orders from others, or being "just one of the team". You must put your personal stamp on whatever you do, and direct your own course in life. You need to have a place where you can shine, express yourself creatively, and be the one in charge. 

BAM! I wanna be in charge!  This is pretty hard to pull off in science, but if I can do it, it will be worth all the torment and uncertainty.  

I also just got an e-mail today from a hiram grad, Joel McManus?  Apparently Julia Wilcox ended up here too.  Weird!  

Today is D&D day! <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/20/2003 07:00:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Whewwww!!!</b>

It's amazing how heavily a big assignment can weigh on you.  I pulled an all-nighter Monday night, to finish that evil grant proposal!  I'd been getting good sleep previous to this, so actually it wasn't so bad.  I had Law & Order marathons and VH1 insomniac theatre to keep me company.  

The bad part was that it made Tuesday a sort of surreal, endless day.  It's better if you get some sleep between waiting for the bus in the morning somehow.  Tuesday was a loooong day, and I didn't get home till 8:30--passed out happily and fully at 10PM, then back to school in the morning yo.

So now I'm getting back to *normal* life.  You know, like being happy and caring about how I look and listening to new music, etc.  I guess horrible homework assignments help you to appreciate life without homework assignments.  Yeah, that makes sense.

There's alot of life to take care of now,  from buying bus tickets home to starting to figure out who's lab I'll go to for my thesis work.  My rotation that I started just this week rules soooo much.  The lab folk are very friendly and open, and my principle investigator (PI) is freaking freaking awesome.  And my project is cool.

So I'm going to start D&D with Dave and his boyz (hee hee!) on Sunday.  Time to be an elfish thief/fighter yo.   Also picked up the extended Two Towers, but need to find a space of time that Dave and I can sit down and watch the huge thing.  

On the recommendation of Chris from WV, I bought: 

<b>Me First and the Gimme Gimme's</b> "Are a Drag"

Frankly, it rules.  It's basically all covers done in a driving, punky sort of rock.  "Science Fiction Double Feature" to "Rainbow Connection."!!!  Ach!

Ok, gotta get dressed and read damn papers for class, damnit.  Much love to you all!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/16/2003 10:48:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Don't panic?  Crrraaapp</b>

Ok, so my huge grant proposal has been making me very unhappy, because it's huge and it makes me all stressed out and scared and then I don't do any work on it and then I get even more stressed and want to start work on it even less.  It's a vicious cycle that I had to work damn hard to break through, yesterday.  So I got some work done, I'm feeling better about it, and I know I'm learning alot, yeah yeah yeah.  It still sucks to have to do it.  

On the bright side I went to the lab for my 3rd rotation on Friday, and the PI rules hardcore.  She swears too, which I find fantastic.  And I'm going to get to do some microscopy work--woot!  So I'm excited for the next rotation.  I still have to give a presentation on monday for my last lab, but then I'm free to move over to SMI building and get crackin'.  

I'm still stressed, but I can live again after tuesday, when I won't have heaps of things due.  Won't that be nice?

Dave met my friends on friday, which was most awesome too.  I think they love him, but he won't believe me.  That's ok, at least now they know he's not some figment of my imagination!

In honor of the great release of the extended edition of Two Towers, I'm including this site in my entry: 

<a href="http://lureofthering.com/luregallery.html">Lure of the Ring</a>

WARNING: I'll be honest, this is basically artwork with depictions of the characters of LOTR in very homosexual situations, so don't click on it if that already disturbs you too much.  It's awfully pretty, and seems so freakin' wrong I had to include it.  Horrific!  But I cannot look away!

Cheers!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/09/2003 12:25:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> Big assignments are LAME</b>

Does anyone ever handle them well?  I have a grant proposal that needs to be created for Thursday.  8 pages single spaced.  Worth like 30% of my grade.  Yuck.  It's just alot of pressure that I end up putting on myself, but I'm on track--at least compared to the other Micro students I've talked to.  My goal for today is to drive in to campus, and nail out my 2-3 research aims and a general experimental procedure.  The hard part is getting research aims that don't depend on another research aim working.  And having backup plans for each aim if the first approach doesn't work.  Yowza.  but if I can just get everything nailed down today, the rest of the week shouldn't be so horrific.  

Of course it will anyway, that's how life is.

Saturday could best be summed up by me being a dork, and maybe also Dave being a dork, and our combined dorkness resulting in us fighting, me crying and deciding to go shopping, while Dave went off to work a suprise 3-11PM shift.  We had tried to go sofa shopping earlier, but it was a pretty overwhelming task and I was starting to wonder if I could really afford a sofa.  So while performing escapist shopping I found these cool folding papasan chairs at ShopKo, and clearance pillows.  So after hauling those things home, and setting them up and moving furniture around--I had something that looked more like a real livingroom, which made me happy.  I apologized, Dave apologized, and now we can sit together in actual chairs.  

Ok, I need to get moving.  Peace out!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 11/03/2003 08:42:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Halloween has come and gone</b>

Wouldn't you know it?  It seemed like it would never be October 31st, and then it was, and now here we are on the ugly side of Halloween going, what the hell?

For those of you not yet informed, I feel obliged to tell you that Madison has developed a reputation for crazy halloween celebrations--most lately involving riots on State Street.  So Friday we grad students decided to head out of town and get dinner at a Chinese Buffet (one of the HUGE ones) on the west side, and then we went to Rhett's apartment for "28 Days Later" and "Evil Dead": both of which I had not seen yet, and if you are in the same predicament, do what I did and SEE THEM BOTH!!!  I was amazed at how heavily "Blair Witch Project" draws from "Evil Dead." But then again maybe Evil Dead is drawing heavily from something else? Like your mom?

Saturday was a nice day.  Went to lab, came home, made cookies and hung out with Dave, went to the comic book store and also the 1/2 price bookstore and bought another Gibson novel, wished I had a bookshelf to show all my Gibson novels on.  We ate dinner together at the local pub and I came back to hurredly don my plastic armor over street clothes to wear to Rose's party.  

Rose has a little apartment that's part of a duplex near campus.  There I got praise for my cookies and drank some delicious adult chocolate milk (read chocolate liqueur).  Danced a little, ate a little.  At one point randomly Petra showed up with two mexicans--real mexicans dressed up in sombreros and mustaches and blankets.  They left as randomly as they arrived.  

After a LOOOOONG time, we as a party finally got our act together, grabbed our coats, and began the 15 minute walk to State Street.  It was raining a little, and we were all detectably drunk and peeing in bushes and whatnot, but that's how it should be no?  

It's definitely good to be pleasantly lit when you run into a main street crammed with several thousand other drunk, costumed folks.  So what was it like? where first, here's a rundown of the good, the bad, and the freaking weird:

Most popular costume: 
a tie between gigantic inflatable penis and gigantic inflatable banana

Most obscure costume: 
The monster from sesame street that goes "yip yiip yiiip yip yip awwwwhaaaah"

Best costume from a movie: 
Two guys dressed up as hooligans from "A clockwork orange"

Costume I was suprised no one had beaten them up for wearing:
A tie between Harry Potter, Legolas, giant inflatable Hulk, and Michelangelo's David wearing a zebra strip shirt, feather boa, and giant prosthetic penis.  

Best Group Costume: 
Well, although I really loved the bicycle pack of 30 costumed riders, one of which toting a guy on a cart playing a drum set. . .. I think I have to give it up for the Crab People from South park, who paraded down State street singing "Craaaaab people, Craaaaaab people!"  I gave them a hug, and they gave me a condom to prevent crab people.  

Total # of times I got my ass grabbed: 
Two.  I'm more amazed than disturbed.  I was in the top 5% of most covered costumed females, and still my booty must have called out to that creepy santa claus.  . . . 

It began to rain, and eventually lightning and thunder as we walked all the way back to Rose's house.  Creepy, and I would have thought it would prevent rioting to occur this year--what with the rows of police standing by down there, but still, apparently at 3AM they rioted again, but word is that it's out of towners that did it.  Who knows.

That's basically my weekend!  And now I've got a huge grant proposal I need to work on, that's due next thursday.  big gulp.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/28/2003 11:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Behind on the weekly installment of life in MadCity</b>

Yeah, but somehow I don't think that anyone lost much sleep over my lateness in posting ;)

Friday and Saturday were good times . . . .

Friday was Bactoberfest, which is basically an Octoberfest celebration thrown by two labs in the Bacteriology Department.  Think one keg of beer, jello shots in petri dishes, and some very crowded lab hallways.  After that I went to Heather's apartment for falafel, pizza, mac and cheese, and a myriad of other small meals put together--a feast!  It was a good thing, because I got to spend some time with some of the folks in our class I don't normally hang out with, mostly girls.  

WHAT A SATURDAY!!  It was Kendall and Heather's birthday (two girls in our program) and so we went to a beer garden place called the Essen Haus to celebrate.  I got all beauti-fied and went, and I'm soo glad I did.  

First off, I got to polka with Andrew (he's our resident dancin' guy who's apparent specialty is the waltz) and swing dance with my other boy-pal Jeremy.  I taught him some swing dance moves.  We all danced the Chicken Dance and the Hokey Pokey--what's not to love about drinking beer from glass boots and doing the Hokey Pokey in a crowded bar?

Finally, we moved over to The Annex (or the Cardinal, I get them confused) for more dancing--it was hip hop night.  Damn, but it was just what I needed.  I really love dancing, and most of the other girls in our group were pretty self-conscious and didn't seem to enjoy dancing much.  SO it was mostly 4-5 boys and my girl Bailey and myself dancing.  Both of us did our fair share of dancin--baby we OWNED that floor! It was exciting, and worth a little awkwardness.  I even danced with some strange girl, then four people apparently snuck up behind, and at one point the girl turned around and KISSED ME!  On the cheek, but still.  Crazy evening.  And I felt sexy and pretty, and baby that's what every girl needs.  

Sunday was not so fantastic, because I basically spent most of the day avoiding homework and waiting to see if we'd all go out to see Scary Movie 3--which we did and it was HILARIOUS!!

Monday? blargh.  Spent it all day working in the lab, but after it turned pitch black night time I walked all the way to State Street and bought plastic armor for my "roaming the crazy streets of Madison on Halloween" costume.  

Now I'm just trying to figure out which is more important: fold clothes, shower, drink soda, surf the net, clean up the apartment. . . . damn.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/24/2003 08:35:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>When Amber's unhappy</b>

Aint'. . . .nobody. . . .happy?

I'd like to take a highlighter (preferably purple or blue) and grind it over sunday through tuesday.  And if I did that, I'd probably have to dot every Sunday for many weeks past.  Because these are the days I'm less than happy.  

Yeah, I seem to go through this depressive spell every sunday.  After thinking about it, alot of it is the fact I have to go back to school on Monday, and I typically haven't done any of my work because I was enjoying the weekend.  

I've blamed alot of things for my unhappiness.  It's so typical for me to externalize it and blame fate, fortune, and other people.  Isn't life easier when things aren't your fault?  Well, this is not to say that everything surrounding my life is perfect, but I think really I'm just not happy with myself.  I'm bored with my hair, my body is getting older EVERY time I look at it.  I'm eating all the wrong things and not drinking enough water.  I don't like my clothes.  I think people think I'm a bit stuckup, when actually they are just like me: afraid to freak people out with the freakiness.  And it's silly, but i get twingy jealous when all the fuss is over the single girls.  But that's because I've had it fixed into my head that the only dependable attention was a guy's attention.  Girls are fickle, and I never really wanted to handle that.  

But I've done my complaining, and I've got to give mad props to my best girl Alice for listening to me complain.  

Things have just got to change.  Dave told me, basically, that one of the hardest parts about being an adult is that no one is here to tell you what to do or what to be.  It's already exciting.  I mean, that's supposed to be college in a nutshell, but I still had to go home and answer to mom and dad.  

I still have to go home for Thanksgiving. . . but it's crazy that it's my money now that supports me.  Now If I can just get around to supporting my damn stupid ego.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/19/2003 01:11:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Profound, maybe. . . .or maybe not</b>

Really, this update covers mainly friday and saturday, because although I seem to do these entries weekly now, I can't really do a whole week justice.

In general, the rotation is going alot better now that the other two rotators have arrived.  It helps so much to have someone agree that things are crazy or not optimally organized.  And I'm actually getting things accomplished now.  My PCR reaction worked, I have products to play with, and my advisor pretty much told me to go home on Friday afternoon.  

Friday morning I woke up and spent hours not going to work.  Dave was up and it was a pretty day, and I was procrastinating on getting my oil changed and figuring out what the creaky sound was that my car recently has begun making when I brake.  Finally, I hopped in my car, made myself park in the Jiffy Lube parkinglot and asked the guy who ran up to me how long an oil change would take.  He guided me into one stall of the garage, and they took over from there.  

At one point, all the guy mechanics came in to the lobby and one asked me how West Virginia was.  Then one asked if I "came to Madison all by myself" at which point I had to break the news to them that I had a fiancee.  They, as a group, left shortly after.  

Friday night was of course Happy Hour for the micro students, and coincidentally this weekend was Homecoming weekend for UW, so we got to see a really fun parade  on State Street.  THe marching band was FUCKING AWESOME (although not as good as WVU's).  I even got beads, without flashing anyone.

Having very little luck finding a place to eat dinner for 10, we as a group let Zomary lead us down many blocks to Casa Bianca's, a cute little Italian place, where we could pull together some tables.  An older italian gentleman went around to give us our menus.  He'd say something to each person, like "Here you go beautiful lady" or "here you go handsome guy."  and you know what he said to me?

"Here you go Princess Dianna!"

I guess in hindsight that's a little morbid, but at the time I just beamed!  To top it off, we had the most handsome waiter ever, and I thought maybe I was falling in love until I realized that really he looked alot like Dave, and then it all made sense.  I don't get to see him enough.

Friday night I had much disturbing dreams.  Some of it I was part of a vampire-hunting group, for another part I was a vampire.  The most disturbing part was that I was working on a trial to prosecute a woman who liked to impale infants on large cobs of corn--like they were rotisserie chickens--and I failed and she went home and already had another baby ready in her closet.  Which makes an excellent segway into: 

Tonight a bunch of us micro students went to a corn maze in Lodi--I organized the trip.  We got to drive out into the country, which made me super homesick for both West Virginia and Hiram.  AHHHH, FARMLAND!!!  The corn maze was tremendous fun.  We started out seriously trying to navigate the maze, but it sort of melted into just trying to get out alive.  

We actually ran into some other people from the program in the maze.  I also attempted to put a chokehold on Roger and it really didn't work.  I realize now that I would have had to knee him in the stomach, so I don't feel so bad.  But it made me realize I missed having Jason around for an uke.  

In general, I've been keeping a little, quiet vigil today.  It's gay and silly, but I live for a bit of ritual, and today is sort of a day of import, because Jason and Mb got hitched.  At least, that's what the invitation said.  So yeah, I feel it's an important day because it's another ending.  That door gets to be closed, and hopefully they'll be happy.  It's a relief, but it's sad too, because I do miss Jason, just like I miss so many other people.  Slowly, it's all falling back into the realms of natural history and nostalgia.  And this new life rises up to take over.  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/12/2003 11:53:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Whew</b>

Well, I finished my first week at my new rotation lab.  I only got ONE THING DONE.  Holy shit, it was driving me crazy for the better portion of the week.  I didn't do anything on monday, but that's because the lab meeting was in the afternoon and then by the time I'd gotten all the info on my project it was past 3PM.  Tuesday is my all-day class day, so I didn't come in (my fault).  Wednesday, I came in but needed to learn how to use a program on the computer, and ended up waiting until 3-4PM, when someone could show me.  Thursday was another class day, but I managed to get some progress on designing primers for my PCR reaction.  But then I went home and realized that those primers were waaaay too big.  So up until Friday it had taken me maybe over 6 hours to design primers that didn't work.  But on Friday it all came together, and I had beautiful primers designed and ordered by 2PM.  

Overall, this project is supposed to be the easiest one: I don't have safety clearance to work with the bacteria (it's a pathogen!) so I only get to construct plasmids (circular pieces of DNA) that will eventually get put into the bacteria itself.  It's all stuff I've done before, but I realized this week that usually I've had a post-doc right there with me making sure I got it done and done fast.  

This time, nobody really seems to have much time to help me.  So it was a VERY big adjustment.  I'd wait hours for a chance to talk with someone, and then they'd be busy, or it meant I was doing my hardest work at 6PM (which is my WORST time for work).  It was beyond frustrating.  My time isn't any more valuable than anyone else in the lab, but it's still valuable.

Long story made short: I had to get my ass in gear, do my own work, and I feel alot better now.  I also apparently accidentally made a double-mutant in my last lab that is now of research interest.  The gods are smiling on me shortly.  We'll see how long that lasts.  

Last night I had one of those loooong epic dreams that actually had a partial storyline.  In it, I went to prom again with my old prom date.  Same dress and everything.  And after that, we went to his family reunion and they had a huge screen and we watched a video of the whole night.  I started watching it, and I started quietly freaking out because we were holding hands and doing dance numbers.  Then I thought, no big deal, Dave wouldn't see it and I didn't really mean to do it anyway.  But he did, and was so upset, and so I was upset.  I felt like I had lost him, and was stuck with the royal movie family.  For some reason, the whole reunion party mozied over to a chinese fortune teller.  You had to kneel down to this hole in a wall, and whisper your question.  I asked if I had picked the right person to marry.  I leaned in, and could hear the guy say, in a strangely rabbi-like voice: 

"Yeah, I suppose?"

The end of the dream was like a movie itself.  I came home to a big house, and my prom date was in the kitchen looking strangely fabio-like.  He was insisting I come home, and how we were perfect for eachother.  I had a great speech about how we were not meant to be, and then I brushed past him and went  upstairs, and hugged my Dave and told him how much I loved him.  And I guess we lived happily ever after.  

Hokey, yes, but comforting.  And I take that whenever I can get it here.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 10/06/2003 09:36:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weekend Update, with Amber</b>

Yes, I've got to admit I'm sucking up the place with my inability to do regular posting.  It's lame, and I'll admit that.  

But really! I've been doing alot, and I guess it's some sort of good indicator that I've got no time or energy to post.  But it's my therapy, so I'm lacking. . . 

The general state of my life is this: I'm busy, and I'm getting awesome at driving.  Seriously, I'm amazed at how easily it all comes now, this driving thing.  It used to terrify me, and now it's one of the few times in the day that I can just relax, talk to myself, and yell at people.  

But on to the goodies: 

Thursday was HEEEELLLLL.  I had two big reading assigments due, and then I had to give my final lab presentation in Katy's lab.  The computer wouldn't work, and life didn't stop till 6PM.  And of course, I had the mother of all sinus infection colds.  Came home, passed out.  

Friday started off normally enough.  I had thought that, it being my last day at Katy's lab, I would just wrap everything up and be done.  But instead I was doing several different procedures right up until the end of the day.  Then I had to scoot down to Memorial Union to see if there was any of the first years waiting there to do something for the evening.  By blind blessed luck I ran into Heather, Jeremy, and Rhett, and we made a long trek to Regent Street to a place for Nacho's.  Rhett and I split nine-dollar nachos, and I got a blue lemonade--made with pucker and it tasted like blue sweet tarts.  

Then Rhett and Jeremy and I mozied over to Luther's Blues to see if we could find Roger.  Our goal was to see the wet t-shirt contest that was supposed to happen there at ten, and we waited in the almost deserted club until Roger and Andrew finally arrived.  This was at about ten.  But nobody else really showed up till midnight.  But man, the people flowed in after that, and suddenly we were in this crowded, rowdy club.  

I could probably fill pages and pages about the wet t-shirt contest, but this isn't some Oxygen special or lifetime original movie.  For the most part, I had a great and crazy time.  "tonight, you get to be one of the boys" Roger told me.  And that's what made it great.  The club was dark, the ceilings were low.  I got to sit in a leather chair flanked by two guys on either side, and watch a flock of sorority girls crowd by, with a little trio of alternative chicas on the periphery, and of course, the everpresent dancing guy.  The announcer kept trying to get ladies who wanted to participate in the contest on the floor dancing.  Eventually they passed out little white tank tops with "GIRLS GONE WILD" logos--Oh, did I mention that the wet t-shirt contest was sponsored and being filmed by GIRLS GONE WILD?

The girls seemed to have issues with whether or not to keep their bras on under the tank tops.  Practically speaking, that would be pretty silly considering the purposes of a wet t-shirt contest.  But already I felt for them, because really they were all new to this.  One girl was fighting with her boyfriend, sluggishly trying to keep her bra on while he tried to remove it.  Things in general got drunker and drunker as the night went on.  Eventually the contest got started, what with the ice cold water and the hooting and hollering.  That was good giggly fun, seriously!  

We started out with great seats--remember we got their damn early? but as soon as the ice water hit breasts, guys started shuffling up to the front of the room--there was no stage.  Almost immediately we lost all view of the girls in a ring of guys.  The announcer started urging the girls to take off their shirts, take off their bras, "fucking take your clothes off!" he'd yell.  It was about then things started to get less fun, and more crazy and scary.  I stuck by my guy friends, but--like any thoughtful girl--it took effort to shut off the panic switches that said "huge crowds of drunk horny guys--DANGER!"  They kept inching in tighter around the girls.  Most of the girls had ducked out of the circle--not really willing to take all their clothes off.  Eventually the only girl left was one that had appeared out of nowhere, and basically had nothing left on.  Seriously, naked chick dancing in a circle of cheering guys.  Of course, being short the only things I got to see where the pictures on people's cell phones, and the life footage they were recording.  Eventually people got bored of the show--later found out the chick was actually a stripper! whoah! 

I have really mixed feelings about that evening.  I've been trying to sort out the good from the bad.  I had no trouble with the wet t-shirt contest.  In fact, it's something I'd go to see again.  It was wild, sexy, and wild again.  What I didn't like was what the film crew seemed to demand.  It was unnatural, and scary.  They'd tell the girls to "get the fuck out of the ring" if they weren't going to show anything else, to "quit wasting their time."  It wasn't sexy.  Period.  

But I'm glad I went, and despite the tenser moments, I had a great moment where I was on tip-toes at the edge of the circle, trying to get a peek, and this HUGE black guy turned around, and put his hand in front of my eyes.

"Don't look! don't look!  You gotta hide your virgin eyes!"  It made me laugh, and I relaxed a bit after that.  And Roger is pretty certain he got on camera, so he was the hero of the evening.

Ironically enough, going to the contest gained me a good touch of notoriety among the first-years (for better or worse).  Some disbelief, but baby, I've got nothing to hide.  I feel like I have been on a great adventure, that took some bravery and sensibility.  

Saturday night I went back over to Roger and Nick's house to watch teenage mutant ninja turtles and x-men with the boys.  Yeah, I'm started to get a crew of guys to hang out with, which is awesome.  Finally, I'm starting to feel like I'm making friends.  

----
Today, I found the most awesome store, called Ragstock.  Everything hovers around or under ten dollars, including shiny pants, girlscout uniforms, pimped out fur jackets.  So, I've made progress on my Molly Millions costume--after seeing the hot topic display of nurses outfits I decided to go with Molly Millions instead.  Yay!

ach, must do homework.  shite.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/29/2003 11:26:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Adventures of Amber Continue</b>
<i>Social organizing goes awry / plastic surgery / Dinner & the best Movie Ever</i>

So, this is the harrowing summary of this last friday.  I zoomed in to work by 9:30AM, and had a decently productive morning sending out sequencing reactions to the biotech department.  It was my first time setting them up and entering them in the order form all by myself.  So of course I freaked out when I saw the 80 dollar bil for them. . . went through all the possibilities of how I messed up something because this is the DISCOUNT SEQUENCING for goodnesssake.  But then I realized that they really are 8 bucks a tube, and I sent in 10 tubes, and the PI had asked me to do that many.  So whew.

I came back and ate lunch with Bailey, where she offered the idea of a corn maze later Saturday night.  I had already spoken with Roger about some of us going to see a movie friday night, so I told her I'd be sending out an e-mail about the movie and I'd add a part asking for interest in the corn maze.  

Apparently, this wasn't the clearest and best idea.  Saturday afternoon had already been reserved for Petra's housewarming party, and I got an e-mail back from somebody that sounded like they were saying "WTF?  what about petra's party?  Screw the corn maze"

That put a knot in my stomach.  I had been feeling for awhile like I wasnt' fitting in with the group very well, and now they were going to think I was ignoring her party and trying to get everyone to go to a damn corn maze instead.  I quickly fired back an e-mail to apologize/clarify.

Back in lab, I went to the autoclave machine to pick up the stuff I had put in there to sterilize.  Now, for those of you not familiar with these things, let me tell you that autoclaves are like big metal boxes in which you can sterilize equipment at VERY high heat and pressure.  The door to my autoclave lowers when you push a pedal, and slowly the metal door creeped down.  I kept looking for the bin I'd placed my stuff in, but it wasn't there.   All the tubes and boxes where sitting. . . .in a puddle of molten plastic.  

I ran back to the lab and announced my mistake.  I knew I couldn't make it any better, so I just admitted failure, and expected hell for it.  But Katy the PI was calm, and everyone else was all smiles and suggestions.  It was funny, but it seemed like screwing up that badly made them like me more.  It was an honest mistake, they said, and it never happens to them because they have an undergrad do ALL their autoclaving.  

Still, I spent most of the afternoon scraping off plastic from the rack and the bottom of the autoclave, until Katy told me to leave it to the professionals.  I picked myself up, and left for the Union Terrace.  I needed a drink.

OF COFFEE DAMNIT.

I blame that horrible section of Friday on not having had coffee.  I had wanted to cry on several occasions.  But I met up with Bailey again at the Union, and I got a big steamin' cup of Southern Pecan Coffee.  MMMMMMM.  Everyone else had beer, but I was happy.  And as for the e-mail fiasco, I got alot of support from my peers.  I felt alot better.  We moved to Angelic Brewery for dinner, where I had Idaho Nachos (just replace chips with waffle fries) and Cheese and Ale soup--which was THE BEST SOUP EVERRRRRR.  

Rhett hitched a ride with me over to the movie theatres, where there were actually lots of people from our group there to see "Once Upon A Time In Mexico"  Which turned out to be a fantastic movie.  So fantastic, and with Antonio Banderas, Enrique Iglesias, and Johnny Depp.  The phrase "edibly yummy" came to mind.  But it was just a freaking fun movie.  hilarious and yet action packed violent.  Go see it now.

Saturday was a much better day, in that Petra's house was lovely.  I got to see a puppy there, and drank some good beer and played Egyptian Rat Screw, Jenga, and Pictionary with some other micro students.  Also got to play HALO on a projector screen--I lost most of the multiplayer, but it was damn good fun.  It was a great evening, and I felt like I belonged. 

Sunday I went into lab to do some work, while Dave had to go to Stop n' go to do some work.  Sunday, blargh.  Afterwards I went to Target and got some dark garnet placemats, one fallish leaved-placemat, some pumpkin pie scented candles, and some halloween cards.  I have caught the fall fever.  I'm ready for halloween.

Except I don't know what to be, and I need some votes.  Right now I'm between being some sort of sci-fi matrixy chick with guns, OR a cutesy "Nurse Bunny" getup.  

I'd really like to be Molly Millions from Neuromancer, complete with mirrored shades surgically inset and long burgundy nails hiding surgical scalpels.  This would involve lots of dark clothing, and definitely pleather pants.  The advantage is getting to buy pleather pants I could wear at some other point.  The disadvantage is having nobody fucking know what I'm supposed to be, as well as figuring out how to do the inset shades.  Also if anyone who's familiar with the character can give me some input on what they saw her as looking like, that would be good. 

I liked a little getup I saw at Hot Topic with a white nurses's dress, fishnets, and then bunny ears & tail.  It was super cute, and would be easier in theory to pull off.  But would I wear any of it again?  I don't know.  I need help!!! 



<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/24/2003 10:50:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Takin' a little break</b>

I don't know why I let assignments make me so worried that I put them off till the last minute and then keep taking large "breaks" thinking it will help me think better when I get back to the topic.  B-largh.  

Anyway, this week is half over, which is pretty darn good.  I've discovered that FX has Buffy playing at 7AM at weekdays, so I have a whole new reason to get up in the morning.  My first rotation is winding down, without alot of success, but there's colonies on my plates, so there is hope yet that I made this darn protocol work.  

In the House of Doom Message board (where my highschool pals hang out) we've been discussing the benefits/drawbacks/problems with group living (aka the topic started out as polygamy and now it's taken off).  Frankly, if there was a way to make it work, I'd be for it.  Not in the sense that I'd want to give up Dave or that he's not enough for me--hell, even in my dreams, when a some cute guy will ask me out, I always turn them down because I wouldn't want to lose Dave.  I think what it's about, for me, is keeping the friends I have for longer than a 4-year term.  Sometimes I wish I could've somehow gotten engaged to a lot of you at the same time and taken you with me to Madison.  At Hiram, I made the best friends I have EVER made.  People I was truly myself around, comfortable with, and frankly, I love you all for it.  

I was thinking about it the other day, how really I do love many people.  It made me sad to think that I'll probably never tell any of you face to face that I do, so I'll say it here. You can't get into "I love so and so more" crap, because it's just not correct.  Of everyone, Dave is the one who's closest to whatever little pulsing core is me.  But it's just amazing to realize that really if I could marry you all I would.  You know who you are.  If it meant I could keep you all with me for all my life, I would do it.  Maybe that is what is so great and fine about marriage: keeping a best friend with you for ever.  It's cheesy-sounding, but when you leave just about everyone behind you realize what a gift it is.  

Anyway, my new thought-exercise for day-dreaming is imagining I have a big big house, with many rooms in it.  And each room is made special to be for a friend of mine.  And when I get lonely I imagine that I walk down the hallway and knock on their door, and I can sit down and talk with them for awhile.  It's fun to imagine all the things that might make them happy.  There's just something comforting about having all your friends with you, even if it's just in your crazy head.  God knows there's plenty of room. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/20/2003 07:32:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>A fast, blurry week</b>

On tuesday, I remember turning to the person beside me in class, and saying I wished it was Friday already.  

And suddenly it was? 

Oh, I don't know, it was just sort of amazing.  Everyone agrees that it's been a hard week, that we've all been working more hours than we wanted to, and supposedly expected to have time to do HOMEWORK too.  But really, I can't remember a whole lot' about this week.  I know I've been getting lab work done.  Although there's that traditional feeling that I've messed things up or am not making the progress on my research that I should be, as well as the feeling that I'm not aware that I don't understand something until suddenly the principle investigator asks me a question and I really have no answer.  So embarassment is the key to learning, apparently.

On the brighter side, I almost ran over 3 bikers on Friday on campus--It made me think about Sam, because if he were behind the wheel of his car when some crazy biker decided to zoom out in front of it. . . I think the week would've ended differently.  I also went to Marshall's on a quest for shoes, and found two pair of Steve Madden sneakers, one pair in black, and the other in WV colors of blue with gold stripes.  It's funny how being outside my state always gives me more state pride than when I'm in the state.  I also came across a random black jacket which is perhaps the finest early fall jacket I've ever owned--the sleeves and back are sweater fabric, and they are attached to a black denim vest, and the collar has black faux fur so it's comfy :)

Anyway, I went out with the micro students, and also saw the movie Underworld, which was actually enjoyable, despite my low expectations.  Dave is telling me to get off the computer, so I'll finish this later :)
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/16/2003 11:50:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Vrrrooooooooom!</b>

Wooooooooo caable modem!  After dialup, I'm flyin!  

Well, life isn't much different, except for the glorious fact that now I am watching the Sunday Night Sex Show on CABLE of my very own, and loading pages at a blinding speed.  

I'm learning that a lab will have you working as much as they can, so I gotta watch out, because nobody is watching out for me and saying "aww you've been working too much, go home!"  I got home at 7:30 PM today.  I left this morning at 8:30AM.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/13/2003 11:43:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Earth to Amber?</b>

Hiiiiiii there!  Just realized that's it's been some time since I last posted . . . it's been pretty crazy, getting used to classes, and starting research rotations in somebody's lab, and of course just getting a feel for what everyday life is like as a grad student.  

It's been enormously difficult at first, thinking that compared to all the other students you were doing things wrong, or that you'd never make new friends.  Also that you would be revealed for the idiot you *reallly* are, pretending to be a scientist when your test scores say you should be an english major.  

To a certain extent, all that crap has passed.  I was genuinely happy this week, as I started to get the hang of classes and research.  I even went out with friends to Pedro's, and watched them drink big mugaritas.  That's a whole other story, that evening, and it would take too long to retell it.  Needless to say, by the end of the night I was hanging out with fun people who would NOT freak out if I swore or admitted to watching porn or something.  That's "a good thing."

Dave and I don't have much living room seating, but other than that the apartment is just about all furnished.  We're getting the hang of grocery shoppin' (although we always forget to go early enough to still buy beer).  TUESDAY WE GET CABLE (Adult Swim! Angel!  YAYYYY!!).  So it's all coming together.  It really is.  

Finally, for now--it is the weekend and I'd rather like to spend it doing fun stuff than typing forever--I stole the little survey that Alice stole from somebody else, so I'm gonna fill it out.  It's more for my benefit, but if you want to read any of it, why not?

<b>first and last</b>
FIRSTS
First best friend: Probably Ann Marie Tominack, who's mom had been childhood best friends with my mom.  We stole boards from some guy's yard and made a shack, complete with rugs made out of towels, and many many spiders as the summer went on.

First real memory of something: I was younger than 4, and I remember riding the bus with Dad in LA.  I had a little red Mc'donalds wristband that looked like a watch, but you could pop open the dial and inside I kept coins for the bus.  

First date: Homecoming, Age 15, with Chris, who later became a very long-term boyfriend

First real kiss: Age 14, I think.  We were playing "Spin the pringle can" (having no bottles), and that's where it happened.  I was totally grossed out.  

First Break-up: age 17, Chris went off to college, and that whooole long distance thing didn't work.  It was all my fault, and I did it horribly over the phone, and for that I am sorry!

First Job: Volunteer at Oglebay Good Zoo

First screen name: Don't know!  I used to have an ICQ name.  Maybe it was Ambular.

First self purchased album: It was either Young MC, "Bust a Move" OR En Vogue, "Funky Divas"

First funeral: Don't really remember, but I think it was Patty Lou's (my mom's cousin) she was 40 and everyone thought it was sad.  Either that or great grandma Kendjora's (she was 99, and died in her sleep during a thunderstorm).

First pets: Freckles the Parakeet and Rex the Wonderlizard.  

First piercing/tattoo: my ears, on my 12th(?) birthday.  I wasn't allowed to get them pierced until then, and neither was my sister Liz.

First credit card: hah! none yet!

First true love: Ack, that's hard.  It seems like I've really loved alot of people, so probably chronologically it's Chris, although now we're simply excellent compatriots.  

First enemy: Jeanette.  She was always weird and drove me crazy with it, and I teased her and had my friends gang up on her alot.  We made her cry.  It is something I'm really ashamed of.  In highschool we became good friends, ironically.  

First big trip: When we moved from California to West Virginia!

First play/musical/performance: I was in many dance recitals from an eearly age, but probably my first memorable performance was being a licorice kid in the Nutcracker.  I had to hide under some lady's dress.  

First musician you remember hearing in your house: Dad, Dad, and more Dad.  

LASTS
Last big car ride: Getting to madison, from Wheeling.  

Last kiss: This morning!!!

Last good cry: Oh, it's been probably about a month.  although it was more of a seeping cry. . .mom was acting so weird I just couldn't take it anymore.

Last library book checked out: ack!  I can't remember.   I think it had something to do with the history behind Grimm's fairytales.

Last movie seen: CRUEL INTENTIONS--which is, in my opinion, the best teen movie ever made, ironically because it is so adult.  C'mon, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair licking eachother's tongues?  Joshua Jackson poppin' a boner on screen?  Sarah's performance alone was so deliciously evil.  

Last beverage drank: coffee made by Dave!!!

Last food consumed: Lay's Kettle cooked Salt & vinegar potato chips (breakfast!)

Last crush: Dave (aw... c'mon!)

Last phone call: a week ago, from mommy.

Last tv show watched: ummmmm. . . probably Law an order something.  But it's been a month since I've had TV.  

Last time showered: yesterday, although it was actually a bath.

Last shoes worn: worn out brown leather sandals with the soles a'peelin'

Last cd played: Linkin Park, ReAnimated or whatever

Last item bought: a cherry coke!

Last annoyance: Having to work till 6:30 in the lab, on a Friday.

Last disappointment: thinking I was doing awesome in lab and then thinking of three seperate things I had done incorrectly or forgotten to do.

Last soda drank: That cherry coke I bought :)

Last ice cream eaten: Fried Icecream at Pedro's on thursday night.  

Last shirt worn: My kelly green "Aloha Grill" shirt that has sparklies on it.  

Last website visited: my.wisc.edu<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/03/2003 11:59:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I'm sleepy so here are some short scraps of things I'm thinking about before I pass out</b>

The week is going ok.  I may have 2 out of 3 rotations secured for the semester.  I still have classes, and the looming sense I'm not doing enough.  I get to counter that with finally assuring myself that I'm damn good enough and am doing things right.  It makes me giddy, ignoring the gnawing fear.  

I rented some more movies for the week (I need to get cable).  "Rosemary's Baby" was for last night, since I couldn't get Nightmare on Elm Street (I figured if Freddy's already in my head I might as well be entertained by him on TV).  Rosemary's baby is pretty good stuff, although I will vow now not to watch it whilst nauseous, premenstrual, or pregnant, because for some reason this movie makes you feel that way, so it would be like any of these conditions x2.  

I Also snagged a 5-day rental of Knights of the Old Republic for the x-box.  WOW is it good fun.  It's run on the same system as Neverwinter Nights I think?  I'm a lovely female han-solo type scout, named "Newto San."  My cohort, Carth, is a Colin Farrell-esque pilot for the republic, who can't trust me because he's been betrayed in the past, but who once called me "gorgeous" for short.  I can dig it.  

I'm holding on to the wedding invitation sent to Dave and I by Jason and Marybeth.  We aren't going.  Sentimental value, eh?  

Dave has a crazy work schedule.  Can't figure it out, but it's cool, because my schedule isn't exactly figured out.  But I know that now I should go to bed, so off I go!    <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/02/2003 07:47:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Bad Dreams, again</b>

Sometimes you wake up and have to remember you've had bad dreams.  Other times you wake up and they've already reminded you.  I hate that feeling of dread that hangs in your head like smog, in the morning.  

Last night's dream was nice enough to represent multiple pop-culture reference.  I started out as Buffy, of course.  It's a common theme.  I'm Buffy and I'm sooo freaking tough and then I realize how vulnerable I actually am.  And then Willow dozed off beside me and started screaming for me to "get them off me!! get them off me!"

I thought she was just crazy.  

Then later on, I find out the monster of the week is Freddy Kruger.  Now, in real waking life I've never been scared of that guy. . . but when he actually IS in your dreams, it's a different story.  He kinda dug me as Buffy, so at first he didn't really want to kill me.  Maybe he wanted me to hang out, in dreamland.  But he got tired of that, and so I kept trying to run him over with a car, but he'd keep popping up behind trees or in the backseat.  

Then, suddenly, the scene shifts totally.  I'm still tough, but it's more me now.  I'm laughing with my friend Jeanette from highschool.  She's written a book about the future and she predicts where everyone will go to school, and also that I will be kidnapped by Arnold Schwarzenegger for some mission.  I laugh about it, but then kids starting going off to college where she said they would, and you know what that means.  

But in the meantime, some disaster happens and all of the kids our age are forced to run up a big hill and work small 2-person elevators (more like pulleys with chains) down deep into the earth--bomb shelters.  I'm in the elevator with a girl who doesn't trust me.  she's supposed to cooperate and we let both our sides of chain down at equal pacek--but she just throws her side up in the air and we fly downwards.  I laugh nervously, trying to act impressed now.  

We're underground, and they've given us money to buy things from the little cave/general store, but I only have 2 dollars and everything costs 9.  I rummage through the records looking for more money allotted to me, and realize that Dave isn't here.  (that's nothing new, as every nightmare and most dreams I have Dave isn't there, or can't be there).  He should be here, because we've been loosely organized by undergraduate class.  I start thinking maybe if I make friends, or do favors, I can get more money.

Suddenly I've been kidnapped by ol' Arnold, and he's given me a gun with a blue laser flashlight.  He pushes me up into tunnels before him, to make sure they are clear.  I'm good with a gun, but I can't help but feel I'm going to die really soon with all this pushing headfirst into things.  I lead him down tunnels, and we end up at another room underground, which is also a store.  I have to help him clear the perimeter, as the land has swelled out in front of us to include trees and lakes, and dinosaurs (of course).  I shoot pteredactyls and t-rex's with my gun, which shoots bananas I can gather from the trees.  Then Arnold leads in a group of prositutes he's paid to watch the door.  He wanders up to the storeowner, and steals all the pens (which work as guns, and I trade mine in for a better one).  

He has a big speech prepared, and in the end he walks slowly over to an airvent.  And through the grate, black shiny fingers and an expanding jaw are reaching out to us.  Arnold explains these organisms live to kill, and they will kill all of us.  Only 2 of the 8 prostitutes are left gaurding the door--the rest ran away.  Arnold and I make a quick exit, as the folks inside are fumbling with a locker; it leads to a secret passageway where a puppy is looking at them.  They won't make it out in time.  We run past giant spiders and swarming aliens, and make it to the surface.  

Someone has signalled a biohazard alert, because there are medical teams scrambling everywhere.  We've been contaminated.  From the background, a flock of cockatoos takes flight--I'm filled with dread because I realize they'll spread the disease to whatever exotice location they are  flying to.  As they pass over me, golden and sparkling, they catch on fire.  The governement has set them on fire, and they are still flying over me.  I can hear a radio broadcast, claiming our benefits of genomics in America, how we can conquer this thing.  And then I'm gone, and instead we're watching a small, thin black women in a violet slip.  She's in front of a wall with shrubbery and flowers growing on it--she's been telling the story the whole time.  She sighs, and says that people think the swarm is all gone. . . . 

but she's heard rumors in the backwoods. . . .

The camera pans around, and we see that she's telling the story as part of a welcome center presentation.  But the center is old and crumbling--it used to hold many cars, but there aren't many visitors anymore.  The one car that was sitting and listening, parked inside the moldy cement arches, has already sputtered away.  She stops her story, and hugs her daughter as she runs up.  

And that's when the alarm rings.

Blargh, why is it so disturbing?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 9/01/2003 01:13:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Like Campus Day when you didn't have a class anyway. . .</b>

That's what Labor day is like to me.  I mean, It's a national holiday, but I don't have any classes scheduled for Monday anyway.  So it's kindof a non-issue.  

Anyway, classes start tomorrow, and already I've gotten an e-mail from one professor saying to everyone in the advanced microbe genetics class to rethink being enrolled in it, because it's already overenrolled and stuff about how typically really excellent students aren't excellent scientists.

By the time I'm out of grad school, I have a feeling this little issue of "being a scientist" will be written on the inside of my forehead (Stole that imagery from William Gibson, had to.)  It makes me queasy.  I know I'm a good student.  I have to believe I have what it takes to be a good scientist.

Did you ever see that miniseries on Dinotopia, where if you wanted to be a pilot riding a flying dinosaur, you had to take your saddle, walk to the cliff's edge, and wait to see if a SkyBaxx would pick you to fly?  It's the only metaphor aside from Indiana Jones making a leap of faith in The Last Crusade.  There is no way to possibly know if you're ready, right, and able to do the thing you're about to do.  You just have to believe that you've made it this far, so you'll probably make it.  

As far as I can tell, being successful here in this program requires, in part, great self-confidence.  The only people not questioning themselves are delusional, so I shouldn't feel that apprehension is a sign I'm not capable.  Enough said.

----

On a different note, I'm thinking that friends are the people you can share your dreams with.  But really it's not mainly the dreams "for the future" I'm talking about.  it's being able to tell someone about your weird-ass nightmares and fumbling multi-dreams from last night, and have them at least enjoy it or care.  I think that's something grand.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/31/2003 05:33:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>For some reason, tripod decided to add another advertisement to my page.  They are jerks, because now i have to change my template so you can still read this darn thing!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/27/2003 06:13:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ow, my head!</b>

Hey folks!  Finally found a span of time where I wasn't exhausted or willing to fill out insurance stuff to sit down and write about how things are going.  They certainly are GOING, that's for sure.  

I caught the bus on monday, just as some wierd people backed their truck up a block to ask me if I'd trade them my money for their bus ticket.  I told them I couldn't because I had to catch the bus to "make it to orientation"

Which somehow sounded cool, in a Saved-By-the-Bell sort of way.  And I made it there on time, and followed an intelligent looking girl all the way through construction to the Medical Sciences Building.  I stood there on the corner looking up at the big, sandstone building, and realized simultaneously that something was hanging out of my nose, and someone was calling my name.  Had to act fast, but I think I saved myself embarassment just as Bailey showed up--she was a chica from my recruitment weekend.  We decided to seek out our meeting room together; so to begin with I had a compatriot.  

The first day is very much a big blur.  They handed us big binders and papers, and we had long presentations on chemical safety, biological safety, health care benefits, payroll, taxes. . . . all on Monday.  I would have been happiest just watching the safety videos--you can't beat lab people pretending to be on fire or covered in dangerous chemicals.  You really can't.  I came home and Dave made me a most delicious feast of salmon and brie & tomato sandwhices on french bread.  AND red wine.  I sat there thinking "Damn, I don't deserve this!"  

And then I passed out for the evening.  

Tuesday was full of ten-minute presentations by various reasearchers, showing off what they were doin in their labs to perhaps persuade us to do a rotation there in the fall.  See, the micro program requires that you do at least 3 rotations in 3 seperate labs--each lasting about a month--before picking a lab to do your thesis research for the remaining 5 or so years.  I'm supposed to have my first rotation figured out by near the end of the week, as well as all my classes picked out.  It's a little frightening, since we'll be hearing presentations through till Friday.  I met with my advisor to discuss possibilities.  I think I'm going to take Advanced Microbial Genetics, as well as Mechanisms of Microbial Pathogenesis.  How cool does that sound?!  I have a required journal club and I must warm a seat at the weekly student seminars (3 year grad students and up presenting their research).  And of course research in somebody's lab.  I'll be quite busy enough.  

Today we had a 2.5 hour presentation on radiation safety.  Lots of labs use some radioactive materials in their research, so we all have to get certified.  I have the take-home quiz to prove it.  Then more presentations.  I also ran into Ned (who I did research with in Hawaii) and Margaret, who were eating lunch outside the old biochem building.  

I'm supposed to go for free beer on the terrace tonight, but I'm not sure I will, because I'd have to get Dave to take me, and I'm not sure I want to stay up late anyways.  Socializing is hard on me, somehow.  It isn't very natural when it's with people you don't know.  The catch is that socializing is one of the only ways to get to know anybody very well at all.  

It's alot to handle in one week.  My future has to congeal quickly within the next two weeks.  I feel like i should've known that!  But I'm trying to stay fluid about this.  Be open to opportunity, be honest, and have a good time.  Maybe it will work!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/25/2003 07:49:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>11th Hour Entry</b>

Ahhh, I just couldn't resist.  It's actually near 8AM right now--I leave on my bus at 8:20 to go to campus.  I'm sitting here drinkin the coffee I brewed myself, after eating an english muffin with cheese single and slice of light bologna (also made myself).  I'm not dressed, but my stuff's in a backpack from college, and I think I'm ready.  

I still can't bellieve how really, actually nervous I am.  I've been laughing about it for some time already.  It's just like the first day of school, like it's always been from preschool to college, and now grad school.  Mom's got a picture of me on all my first days--except this one, which I've also go to take myself. 

Dave's sleeping, and I wish I could just curl back up into bed and pretend that was ok to do.  I really wish I could already be there on campus with 2 friends or more already made.  I won't remember anyone's names, unfortunately.  Have to go throught THAT process all over again.  But it will be worth it.  It's all worth it.  Just hope that funny feeling in my stomach doesn't stick around long.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/24/2003 11:44:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weekend in review</b>

It's funny, but it's the first weekend that actually FELT like a weekend, in a loong time.  Maybe it's because at home every day pretty much was a weekend, and humans cannot physically enjoy every day in paradise.  Good lesson to learn.

See, friday I woke up at 7AM to take the most direct busroute into campus to locate the medical sciences building I'm meeting my fellow fresh-grads in on Monday--for orientation.  I found it pretty easily, despite all the surrounding construction.  And then I hiked to Memorial Union to read Gibson's "Burning Chrome" on the terrace.  The terrace is really a porch-like strip of tables and chairs that overlook Lake Mendota.  It was beautiful, and ocean-coast like.  

After killing time pleasantly, I walked around state street, but I was too early for many of the stores--especially the gaming store which I had been hoping to scope out.  But there will be time for that, I'm sure.  Besides, it was still very hot on campus, and the place was swarming with orientation freshmen.  Imagine Hiram Institute week times at least 10.  So I grabbed a HUMONGOUZOID burrito at Chiptole's and sat in a windo seat to watch them go by, and then I hiked AGAIN, dodging sprinklers like the original Mario dodged those flame-circles.  Waited for a bus that runs more frequently, and wound up at the West Transfer Point to catch a bus that runs by the apartment.  So I guess even if the Transportation department DOES screw me over on parking, I can still ride the bus pretty decently.  Just takes longer, and requires standing out in the elements.  

So I practically passed out Friday evening, but we did make a late run to Copp's (another grocery store much less crowded than Woodman's, and open 24 hours a day).  Fun stuff.  Then SLEEP.

Saturday mostly was spent lazing about, after much sleeping in.  I beat HALO, which really ruled, even if it WAS on easy level.  I can honestly say it's one of the the best X-box games ever--tying with Jet Set Radio Future.  

In the evening I drove us over to Blockbuster's where I finally got to rent CHICAGO.  oooooh baby!  I had to fill out a damn form to get a card, and then had to pay four bucks for the new-new release.  But hell, that's ok.  I got to make friends with the girl at the register, who was from somewhere with a total state population that matched the population of the Madison Metro Area.  Totally nice person.  AND Chicago was fantastic.  Super fantastic.  "The Cell Block Tango" wasn't near as snide and mean as it should have been, I think, but it was still viscious and fantastically choreographed.  And Renee' Zelwi-who'sitwhat'sit was well cast as Roxie.  You felt bad for her, loved her, despised her all at the same time.  

So now it's Sunday.  I'm thinking I should go get the little zoomin' honda washed, and also grab the paper--maybe there's a garage sale out there with some chairs or couches.  We do need seating.  But hopefully once we both get settled and working, we'll know just what kind of money we have for that sort of thing.  We'll see.  

Tomorrow's the big day--ORIENTATION.  Blargh, I'm nervous.
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/21/2003 10:07:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>And so, the end of the "vacation" is near</b>

Well, things are pretty quiet here in Schroeder Apartments.  For the most part, it isn't a bad thing.  Dave and I have spent alot of free time playing computer & video games.  I myself have been gleefully making my way through HALO, which is of course so awesome that I wonder why I never played it before now.  I've also just finished "Neuromancer" by Gibson (following a recommendation from Justin).  DAAAAAMN WHAT A FANTASTIC BOOK.  Also wondering how it took me so long to find out about it and read it, but still, many thanks Justin.  I picked up some of Gibson's short stories "Burning Chrome" and will start on that soon.  

There just isn't alot to do, and it's starting to get a little too evident.  In stark contrast, on Monday I'll go to orientation at 9AM, and that's all she wrote.  I'll be hurled headfirst into graduate school.  It's kindof exciting in that old "first day of school" way.  I mean, all the old worries surface.  I mean, who will I meet?  will I make any friends?  am I cool enough?  Should I get a new haircut/outfit?  

Ok, fortunately this won't be highschool or even college.  We're all here because we love microbiology, and so much that we'd give up 5 years or so to study it more.  People will be immersed in study and not so much appearances, right?  

Mainly, I'm anxious to get life going and sorted out, and I wish I could do that without the studying first.  

I'm thinking I should do something crazy with my hair, aside from cut it short because I've been there and I need my hair.  Some days I want to walk around with streaks of pink or blue, but I doubt I have the balls to really do it.  And I wonder if it's just going to be like middle aged men buying hot cars . . . Just want to feeel young again.  

Ach! I rambling!  Ok!  Friday I'm waking up early to go take the bus to campus and see if I can find where orientation will be on Monday.  I'm thinking I might mosey over to state street and chill for awhile.  Maybe I should find the geology museum and run around in there--lots of shiny things and dinosaurs.  

Finally, my word for the day is "Rertardondo"
It came to me while standing in line somewhere and hearing some guy saying he was "Schizmart" which I guess was him trying to jive talk his way to "smart."  I really didn't agree.  ANYWAY, retardondo can be used in place of retard.  it's just more fun to say (even in your head).<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/19/2003 09:16:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Settin' Up House</b>

Well, it's day three of "The Rest of Our Lives"(tm) here in Madison.

One of the best things about Dave is that sometimes we stay up late at night talking like it's some sort of junior high sleepover.  You know, when you have your best friend over and you really should go to sleep but you don't want to stop talking.  At one point, we were convinced Sam had been writing the script for our lives at Hiram.  He knows about this theory: many events occurred on significant days (For example, Dave and I got back together on April Fool's Day).  

We talked alot about how different our lives are starting now.  It's alot like "Saved By the Bell: The College Years" we decided.  I mean, we've had a long, successful run at Hiram.  And now they've taken some of the characters and moved them to an exciting new location with "all new experiences and challenges." We met such strange and interesting people at Hiram (and will ALWAYS treasure them) without really trying.  If life keeps up this path, we'll meet lots of strange and interesting people here in Madison, and that's exciting.  

So far, we've stocked up the kitchen and bought two lamps and a television.  Unfortunately we don't have the DVD remote for the x-box (it's back in Erie) so I will just have to wait a little bit to go skipping down the aisles of the Hollywood Video store.  Our next purchase goal is comfortable seating of SOME sort for the living room.  I miss my two-dollar loveseat I found whilst in Columbus.  We actually would both like those nest-like Papasan (or whatever they are called)chairs.  Other than that, we've got a table, a bed, some towels, some sheets, and video games.  Life is pretty darn' good.  Skeletor even has mealworms now.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/17/2003 02:35:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>So here we are!</b>

Well, with Saturday brought both my completion of Secret of Monkey Island II AND the arrival of the Dembinski’s (the two events nearly coincided!)

I woke up at 8AM on Saturday to go find the surprisingly elusive Walmart that was really within 5 miles—I had looked for it on Friday (when I was all by myself and trying to find something to do).  Saturday I was successful, and so I came back with good things like window cleaner and a laundry hamper.  

Anywho, the dembinski’s arrived in the mid-afternoon, looking slightly steam-cooked from the heat that had settled over the Midwest.  But hey, they arrived all in one piece!  

I spent most of the afternoon just being amazed that Dave was here.  I mean, you spend a long time without someone, you slowly get used to the idea that they just won’t be around. . . . and then all the sudden they ARE there!  It’s an amazing, if somewhat shocking thing.  Try it some time!  Actually, if you love somebody, it’s probably better just to have them there.  

I took Dave to Woodman’s, the local giganta-supermarket.  We bought some goodies for dinner—Dave made me spaghetti’s as well as breakfast stuffs for the parents!!  Note to self: Saturday evening is apparently grocery store time for the entire community.  

So then it was home for “dinner by Dave” and generally a relaxed evening.  Dave had driven all day to get here, and I was coming off the adrenaline high of anticipating their arrival, so it was good to just chiiiiilll.  

<b> WEIRD DREAM INTERLUDE</b>
That night I dreamt that I was walking on Garvin’s lane (lane of my house in WV), and it was snowing.  The flakes were blowing onto the road, and suddenly my old doggie Pepper appeared there on the side of the road.  She was trotting in front of me, and then she took my hand in her mouth and pulled me further up the road, away from the house.  I started to cry because I missed Pepper, and I knew she died about a year ago, but here she was trying to take me somewhere.  I turned back towards the driveway and mom and dad were standing on the hill.  I tried to talk to them but there was this buck that kept running through and trying to hit me with its antlers.  Mom and dad didn’t seem to see it.  

I woke up still seeping tears.  Every time I dream about Pepper, I cry.  I’m guessing this is all a separation dream.  You know, about having to leave home because you can’t stay, and someone has to tell you it’s time to go.  It might as well be that lovable hound from my childhood.

<b>Back to our regularly scheduled program</b>
Dave and I woke up bleary-eyed at 8AM, to make sure breakfast and everything would be ready at 10AM when Dave’s parents and younger sister would be over.  Showers all around, and everything in order by the time they got here!  I kept them company over muffins and coffee while Dave cooked up bacon and eggs.  

All too soon, it was time for them to make the trek back to Erie, and Dave’s mom cried, and then we were alone again.  It’s a weird moment, and this time I’ve gotten to live it twice in short succession.  

Without a TV, there’s not a lot to do currently.  We walked down to the Stop n’ Go to get the paper (and a soda for me!).  The Bally’s behind our building, we discovered, is closing in September.  So no 5:30 AM workouts for us ;)

We’re making a list of all the things we’re missing—like ketchup or a cutting board.  There’s a lot of initial input involved when starting up an apartment.  Activation fees, furniture, LAMPS.  . . .but it’s already pretty cozy, especially with a big, strong guy around.  

The best thing in the world is to have someone to hug when that feeling creeps over you that you’re on your own now.  That feeling of adultness that was a lot more exciting when you were in college and didn’t have to do everything yourself.  I wouldn’t have it any other way, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t scary at times.  And I miss my friends terribly.  It’s so good to have ONE here, but friends are the secret to true happiness.  And you’re all welcome to visit.  We may even have something for you to sleep on ;)
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/14/2003 11:41:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Breathe a sigh of relief</b>

Weeeelll, today was much better than yesterday.  Things were marginally tense, and I accidentally swerved into the wrong lane during a turn and almost hit a car--resulting in mom screeeeamming in fear and crying like a 3 year old, and eventually me yelling at dad to stop giving me vague descriptions about where he thinks I should turn or park.  "there" or "after that black car over there" doesn't really do it.  Driving is just alot easier for them, since they've done it so long, and they take for granted being able to look everywhere and process much more--I'm still concentrating on not crashing into other cars in intersections.  

We had a really lovely lunch at Sa-Bai-Thong (another Thai place) where I had delicous coconut milk and lemongrass soup.  Mom and I found a TJ Maxx, and we had fun--actual non-loopy fun--pretending to furnish the apartment like Indiana Jones was living there.  Then I took us to the Greyhound station--the route to which I had studied carefully in the morning.  I didn't have any problems until dad started to say maybe it was on the left side of the road instead of the right, and of course I doubted myself and changed lanes only to realize I had been correct moments later.  This is where the yelling at Dad came in.  Man, hasn't he been through enough?

Well, after we calmed down, got some sodas, and watched the news on FOX about the power outage, it was time to send them on their bus back to Wheeling.  There was some half-hearted hugging going on . . . it's not a happy parting, which is lame.  I mean, yes, I'm freaking glad to see them go home, and I'm sure they're relieved to be going home to a regular schedule with hopefully less craziness or witnessing of my driving. . . but still.  

It wasn't like college, where they were smiling and mom was crying but underneath we were all excited.  Probably because this time, it's for real.  I don't ever come back like I used to.  And all THAT jazz

on the plus side, as soon as they left, I hopped in the car and drove through rush-hour traffic home, arriving all in one piece.  Then I looked for a good recipe in my cookbook wing and found something promising.  

Off to Woodman's--the most gigantic supermarket I've ever been in, and that's a five-minute drive away.  Wandering around supermarkets is one of my most favorite activities.  Every single possible thing you could ever dream of wanting to eat.  Sushi ready-made daily.  Ahhhhh

Back home, I made myself a very *sophisticated* sandwhich: bologna and cheese singles.  I was too hungry.  So then I played Monkey Island II for awhile, then put together the recipe I found, entitled "Two-Jobs-and-no-time-to-cook"

It basically involved marinated artichoke hearts, a chopped up avacado, black olives, and feta cheese. . . .

it looks horrific, but DAMN is it good.  I'm letting it incubate overnight in the fridge.  

Tomorrow is mine to do as I please, and Saturday Dave + family arrive.  I have to keep myself occupied till' then. . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/13/2003 10:11:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>B-largh</b>

Well, tomorrow I take my mom and dad to the bus station, they hop on a greyhound, and then I'm all by myself.  

Now, on some level this is very sad for me.  It gives me that lonely feeling I've had many times--like when I sat in my apartment in Columbus watching mom and dad drive away, or when I left them at the gate to fly off to Hawaii. It's that voice that coughs in your head and says "yeeeeppp. . . they're gone now.  It's just you and me here."

But on another level, it's such a relief to have them gone.  The whole of our little trip has cycled from great adventure--like trekking 12 hours on the open road, taking turns driving and chatting--to moments of supreme tension--where mom has screamed in the backseat behind me that no one listens to her, that the truck rental station was RIGHT THERE. . . .

The hardest part of this move wasn't what I anticipated.  I had thought it would be the overwhelming change in lifestyle; the move from dependence to independence.  Or maybe just the move to a new city, permanently.  But in the end, the hardest part has been my mother.  

Because mom had brain surgery 4 years after I was born, she's had to take anti-seizure med's for the rest of her known life.  Over the years, there have been mixups in the medication which meant drastic changes in mom.  Once the pharmacy messed up and gave her heart medication, and she collapsed into a gran mal seizure in the kitchen while only I and my brother were home.  For a LONG time, mom had been spacy and generally forgetful.  Then they switched her to medication, and we got a focused mom who remembered details she thought she had forgotten long ago.  And life was GOOD.  For most of the summer, mom has been a good deal of fun to be with.  I mean, she's driven me crazy as only a mom can, but that's par for the course.

But as the trip has progressed, always around lunchtime and dinnertime she starts getting spacey.  Her face droops and she gets very quiet and somber, for no particular reason.  And, the worst part, she gets passive aggressive.  Like today, we ate lunch at a Thai place that we ate at the day before.  She really wanted to go there so we went.  Then she said she was thinking about looking for a Thai resteraunt for dinner, and I said that maybe we could try someplace else, because we'd just had Thai for lunch.  

That's ALL I said.

From then on, whenever I brought up the topic of dinner, she'd get very quiet and say things like "what I want for dinner is insignifcant.  it doesn't matter" Later, when we got back to the apartment (we had been on campus), I asked her if she wanted to go to the Thai resteraunt nearby that she expressed interest in earlier.  I thought, hey, I really don't mind if we go again, so I'll ask.  She just gave me another "I don't care, it doesn't matter" response, acting though like she someone had beat her into submission to going where dad and I wanted to go.  

So, since she said she didn't care, we walked down and had a nice dinner at a local restaurant.  Through the course of the dinner, she didn't talk.  I'd ask her questions about the day, and she'd weakly smile and reply, and then go back into staring vacantly.  She looked out the window, or otherwise looked like she would break down into tears at any moment.  She took the keys and went to the apartment, while dad and I went for a walk around the block.  

Dad and I talked about the whole thing.  What could be done?  How could we make it better?  It's hard to say.  We both thinks it's the medication, because the weirdness happens regularly when her medication dips to its lowest levels.  But really, there isn't much you can do.

I mean, you can't call her on it.  You can't tell her she's being irrational; often she's convinced that you've called her something or yelled at her when you haven't done anything close to it.  And if you say anything about it, she just boils over further.  Mainly, you try to ignore the weirdness, hoping that she comes out the fog and acts like Mom again.  The person you love and enjoy having around.  

The hardest part is watching dad deal with it.  Tomorrow I get to say goodbye to the problem.  But dad's been dealing with it for most of his life.  We all love mom, and that's what makes it hardest.  You don't want to treat her like she isn't capable of controlling her own emotions.  You don't want to ignore the weird behaviors, and you don't want to reward them.  

So what do you do, exactly?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/13/2003 10:22:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Mad City</b>

ooooh baby!  I'm here in Madison, typing on my laptop in my apartment.  Thanks to Dave, I have internet access to boot!  I'll follow up with the full epic story soon, but for now just wanted to plant that weblog flag squarely down today and say "I am settled!!!"

BTW I think it's awesome that many times Madison is referred to as Mad City, which makes me think of how everyone on the moon was called a loonie in "the Moon is a Harsh Mistress"  

It's just TOO cool.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/08/2003 12:39:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Not going to quote the damn disney song!!!</b>

But it's in my head, because tomorrow THE JOURNEY BEGINS BABY!  Tomorrow, around 6PM, we should be taking our cute little yellow Ryder truck and my even cuter (and freshly washed) honda civic (the Lil' Klaive) off to Madison.  We'll be stopping around 10PM for a hotel/motel, then starting anew on Saturday morning.  

I've got some calls to make, like the one where I check to make sure we can get the keys to the apartment on Saturday, and hopefully I'll get my utilities turned on--at least make my way to getting them turned on. . .I forgot to do so and that's definitely my fault.  But we'll deal.

Getting packed for moving has to be my LEAST favorite thing.  I'd be happier cleaning out the goat barn at Oglebay Zoo--now those were the days.  It may have stunk, but at least it only took one room and a shovel and hose.  my packing efforts have spread throughout the house, and although I have MORE than enough room in my 10ft truck for all my stuff and more. . . I'd like to NOT have alot of junk in the apartment.  It would just be nice.  Also, I suck at lifting of heavy furniture--and this time I have alot of stuff in that category.  

Oh well.  It is likely no one--except Dave cause he's cutest--will hear from me in the coming days.  Most won't mind, but if you're thinking of minding, don't be offended.  It's just the craziness, that should settle.  Wish me luck!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/07/2003 12:24:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>WORK!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/07/2003 12:20:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Heavy Wednesday (not to be confused with Fat Tuesday)</b>

It was very surreal, driving around Wheeling last night at 12:30 AM. . . I maybe saw one other car the entire time I drove, even on the highway, to pick up my sister after her trip to Kennywood.  All by myself, no one on the road except a small marsupial. . . weird!  

Weird f--ing dreams last night, as well.  In part I dreamt that Sprite was an unassuming englishman who lured charitable women to his flat and then in the morning turned out to be an evil scientist with sisters who would dismantle the ladies so that he could build robots out of their parts or something.  He also had a wire frame robotic monkey creature.  Seperately, I also dreamt  that  I was running through a school in slow motion, like I had been drugged and everything seemed SLOW.  I dodged bullets and when I jumped down from on top of some boxes it took me five minutes to reach the floor.  

Generally, throughout the dream I ran into several people I knew.  When I woke up, I had that classic feeling that I'd been with them in person. . . and I had this feeling of nostalgia and sadness with me for the rest of the day.  

So that was basically the theme for my wednesday: nostalgic longing sad fiesta.  I've been going through my books, trying to figure out which of my darlings gets left behind--and I found many of my old journals, including the "uncensored version" of my sudden entry into singledom in the spring of 2002.  There were just so many things I couldn't write in my weblog at that time.  It was good to remember.  And good not to be living it anymore.

Soooo, Thursday morning the truck arrives, and I start the serious packing. . . . *shudder*<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/05/2003 12:51:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Less than a week?</b>

Well friends and neighbors, perhaps the only truly big event of the weekend was the reserving of a Ryder truck for moving my stuffage to Madison.  So now it's official: on Thursday, we'll pick up our moving truck.  

Don gets out of WVU on Friday, Aug. 8th, which is his birthday.  He has decided to go to Kennywood that day with his friends, but is somehow pissed that we won't be home when he gets home on Saturday (we had planned on leaving Saturday morning).  Drama!  

Oh well.  Since Don decided he'd rather go ride some rides and complain that we aren't there for his birthday, we may be packing up the truck on Thursday, and starting to drive on Friday, with a stopover somewhere and arriving in Madison on Saturday.  After we get things moved in, and turn in the truck, mom and dad are going to vacation in Madison with me. . . . .

Ok, so this could be disasterous, yes, but it *could* also be fun.  I mean, we'll stock the kitchen, drive around and check out the mall and surroundings.  Hopefully on Monday we'll go to campus and I'll get my ID and *try* to get a parking assignment.  

I could pretend that I'm unendingly fearless, and that I don't need anybody to strike out anew in the land of beer and cheese. . .but really I'm relieved to have my parents with me for just a little longer.  I know this is one of those big milestonish events where THINGS ARE NEVER THE SAME afterward, but it doesn't really help to think of it that way.  It's damn scary enough.  And I'm scared, but of course excited.  There are lots of fun things in store, and I'm ready to learn alot.  

Today I bought <a href="http://www.kmart.com/graphics/product_images/p853457dt.jpg"> bedding </a>for our apartment, a final large tupperware container for under the bed, and a prepaid cellphone to keep in the car and be my temporary communication link until I get settled.  Coverage is NO GOOD here in WV, but Madison will be a whole different story.  

As I imagine it ALL will be.  Seriously.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 8/01/2003 12:24:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>WORK BLOGGER!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS THEE!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/31/2003 11:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Free cupcake</b>

It's official! I'm 22!

didn't I say that already!? yeah, probably :)

Today we took Liz to the Marshall County Fair--an unforgettable event which ALWAYS coincides with my birthday.  It was raining, but still Liz got all dolled up in requisite jeans and eyeliner to go check it out with her friend Sasha.  Man, I was never so well-put together at her age, and I still got a boyfriend. . .I fear for her and my parents soon.

ANYWAY!  Sometimes I wish that I could bring my friends from college back home with me to Marshall County to at least see the fair.  It's a pagentry of what SOME would call white trash, but that's really not very kind.  Nor respectful.  In all honesty, I love the people around here, most of the time.  They are kind and honest.  Easy to get along with.  Seems like the entire county comes to the fair at some point or another, and you see alot of interesting people.  My favorite one was a little farmer girl with a boyish haircut and a soda, just walking around the fair, through the sawdust and the asphalt and the mud, with no shoes on.  No problem.

Mom and I ate in the main building--we bought sauce dogs from the church group that was working the kitchen.  And fries. . . . delicious, non-healthy stuff.  And for dessert we got home-baked chocolate chip cookies, and when mom mentioned it was my birthday, they insisted I take a muffin.  Mom tried to pay them for it, but they simply insisted.  The ladies were really nice, and one said that in the past she would have sung happy birthday for me, but after her tumor surgery in her neck, she doesn't sing well anymore. 

"better than not being able to talk at all" she said, with a shrug and a smile.

It was a delicious cupcake--moist with rich chocolate frosting and those little candy sprinkles.  I was very thankful, and wish those ladies the best.  

Don and Dad are supposed to come back on Friday for the weekend, so then we'll decorate my cake and have a little more birthdayish festivities.  But I'm already getting used to the fact that after 21, birthdays just naturally become less festive.  And that's ok!

A big Fedex truck rumbled down our driveway today, and delivered a pot of miniature roses--sent by the-sweetest-and-most-thoughtful-fiancee-Dave.  They are so lovely, and I got to be all proud of getting something in front of mom and Liz (I think they were jealous!).  

This weekend should also be the Oglebay Heritage Festival, where Dad's band is playing.  Also Don and I want to go see 28 days later.  I need more zombies in one summer.  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/31/2003 12:12:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Happy birthday to mee!</b>

It's July 31st, and so now I am officially 22.  Of course, it's not really that exciting at all, especially in comparison with the 21st birthday.  Oh well!  

In preperation for my big move to Madison (probably on August 10th), I am trying to get everyone  my new e-mail address, but I wanted to post it here in a way that should deter webcrawling programs from stealing it for spam.  

So, my new e-mail address will be at wisc.edu, and my username is agpollack.  So it will be, like, USERNAME@wisc.edu, only use "agpollack" for the username part.  You are all brilliant, wonderful people, so I think you'll get what I'm saying.  If not, or if you have any other questions, just e-mail me at my hiram.edu account (pollackag).  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/29/2003 11:37:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Tail of Prince Lee</b>

Whooooo-boy, alot has happened since last I typed.  

First off, I've been driving the family around in my Honda for the last week or so, and it's been generally great fun.  I'm starting to accept that on a daily basis it isn't so horrible to almost have cars crash into you.  I have had to accept that even if I obey every traffic law imaginable, there are stupid people out there who make things less safe.

The car drives really well, the speakers are gooood, and on a flat stretch of road the car just zooms happily at 75.  For whatever reason, this car goes fast without you knowing it.  Unless it's on a hill, where it shows its weakness.  Sure, you can floor the gas, but the car will mainly make angry revving sounds--which I don't like but mom seems to ignore (which drives me crazy).  It parks ridiculously well, being so small, and it turns like those crazy little cars on the little kid rollercoasters (read: it turns well and fast).  

The week has been crazy, of course.  We've had bad insurance guys that never showed to inspect our property.  We're also expecting a change in tenants at one of the properties, and actually an old pal of mine from Junior high may be renting the place.  

Perhaps the biggest news is our newest arrival to the Pollack family: a stray cat that we rescued from the parkinglot of Butch's Corner Store earlier in the week.  Liz had asked to go there to get some food, so I drove.  When we got there we found that cat, scared, and all skin and bones, and running desperately around trying to get inside the store or rub around Liz's ankles.  So we brought the cat home, and though mom and dad were a little perturbed, they told us we'd done the right thing.

Very quickly, we were all endeared to this quiet, slow moving little black and white cat with a fluffy black tail and spots on its face.  Don and I joked that it could be something out of a Stephen King story, where the cat was actually from hell and was casting a spell on us.  

Yeah, we need hobbies.

Mom felt that the cat told her in a dream that its name was Princess Leia.  That stuck for a couple days, until today when we took the cat to the vet and it turns out it should really be "Prince Lee"

so that's what we're calling him for now.  He drinks out of the toilet, is taking pain medication for a hurt hip, is about 1 year old, and without disease.  He sleeps on mom's head or my head during the night.  Mocha, the puppy, is extremely jealous.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/28/2003 11:13:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Blargh.

That is all.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/23/2003 10:41:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>A legitimately coool day</b>

The weather may be yucky, and flooding most of my state.  Mom's insurance agent for the property may be a royal jerko.  I may have no parking space in the fall at UW, and the management company may have lost my lease.

But I do have my car.  It's sitting in the driveway right now!  It's still there!

I had to sign alot of papers!  And now I have to figure out all the lights and doodadds. . . I have keyless entry and a panic button!  My CD player works beautifully.  I am a happy chica :)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/22/2003 11:42:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>And now I can pass out, happy in this fact</b>

At 10AM this morning, mom knocked on my door, and asked me what I wanted to do today.  We had dad home till 4PM--when we had to return him to Morgantown.  I hadn't slept well.  Had woken up in the early morning--when it was still dark and the house is still creepy and empty.  So I was still dazed when mom woke me up.  But I heard myself speak this one line: 


"I want to go get my car"

And then I collapsed back in to bed.  

You see, Monday started out pretty horrible.  I slept in, and when I did wake up mom was bustling around the house and when she saw me, she smiled and said "Ok honey! today's your day!" and walked away.  I was bewildered.  Yes, it was supposed to be my day for car-shopping, but I didn't know what the parents wanted me to do, or frankly at all what I SHOULD do for this, my day.  

After crying for about 3 minutes, I got to the phone and called Ohio Valley Honda.  We had driven past them on the way to Steubenville, and mom's friend Debbie had bought her honda there, and was pleased.  So I called, they were super friendly, and before I knew it I had seen many, many hondas.  But one stood out in my head.

It was a little silver 1999 Civic, with high mileage.  It had a CD player and power locks, but no power windows--this was the perfect configuration of power options for me, because I could give a shit about power windows, but I really was hoping for a CD player.  They had just replaced the timing belt and the water pump--which dad informed me were the two typical things to go in a honda.  It was in lovely condition (only a little scratch on the left rear bumper) and MOST importantly, was around 7,000 dollars--instead of 10,000 like the other hondas I'd been shown.  

It just. . .endeared me somehow, but I didn't want to make a decision at the lot, so we went home.  Of course, over the course of the evening and night, I just kindof clicked into the decision.  I liked the car, and how the civics handled, and I could pay off the car in 4 years instead of 5.  

So there I was speaking it without evening thinking about it on Tuesday morning.  Dad wisely brought up the fact that I hadn't test-driven the car yet, and so I called up the guys and arranged a test drive.  We hopped in the lil' car and zoomed around the interstate for a bit.  I was really suprised to discover the brakes and accelleration on this car were much better than the one at Straub Honda's (the place with the scheistery guy).  Everything was powerful, smooth, but still in my control.  Dad tested the radio and the windshield wipers (without prior notice, while I was driving) and everything seemed to meet with his approval as well--although I thought the sales guy in the seat behind me had started speaking tongues, when in fact it was just 105.5 KISS FM.  

The one problem we found was a small, but noticable "ding" in the windshield.  Also the sales price on the car was much higher than what we had been offered yesterday.  That sour, twisty feeling was growing in my stomach.  I had been all set for this car, and now there were going to be problems.  

Soooo, we went inside, sat down at the table, and brought up both issues.  Turns out, no worries mate.  The manager said if we were interested in the car he'd replace the windshield at no cost to us.  And the price he gave us (the lower one) was the price he was offering us.  The listed price was prior to our negotiation.  

So baby, I signed the freaking papers, and once the windshield is replaced (likely before wednesday afternoon) I can drive my little baby home.  And buy it air fresheners and make it mix CD's.  And zoom all over creation with it.  And this is what it looks like! :

<img src = "http://www.monctonhonda.com/images/used/small/99_Civc_LX-silver.JPG">

Ok, so she's not ubersexxy or sleek or anything, but she really is endearing and lovely.  A good, fun little car.  I wanted to come up with a name for the car, but "the silver bullet" was too cliched for me.  SO I'm thinking I'll go with "Lil' Klaive" in honor of my white wolf roots.  I just can't shake the name.  It may be geeky, but I care not.

It was a surreal day to be sure.  Turns out July 22nd (the day I bought the car) may have been my real birthdate (according to mom, it was the day I was due to be born. . . but then I waited a week or so).  So in a certain light I was crossing this milestone on my 22nd birthday.  

Stay with me here. . . . How about this?  My 22nd birthday on July 22?  Also, my car is a '99, so it was born the year I graduated from highschool.  

Ok, I 'm stretching the weirdness.  The thing is, I just feel geniunely *good* about this car on a basic level.  I'm taking it as a good thing, and trying to ignore the fact that the Chinese treat the number 2 as a bad number, meaning "death" in some sense. . .and I've got four 2's in a row. . . eeeek!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/20/2003 11:16:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weekend with the relativos</b>

Well, I could go on complaining about how yucky, unmotivated, and all-around unstimulated by life I feel currently, but that would be pretty boring.  Besides, it's past being theraputic to talk about it.  I'm bored, and without independence.  

Mom and dad had their big, approx. 35th highschool reunion this weekend.  And I thought the fact that my 5th highschool reunion was coming up was a bit scary!  So we went down to Clarksburgh to visit Uncle Dan and Aunt Ellen--the kids could hang out with them, while mom and dad impressed everyone with how fiiiiine they look past 50.  They did look fantastic, and I'm hoping that when I'm their age, I look that good.  

Aunt Ellen had broken her tibia, and wasn't allowed a walking cast--so we basically kept her entertained and hopefully off her feet as much as possible.  The result?  Many, many happy hours watching premium cable together.  I now can brag that I've gotten to see "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" which is perhaps one of the nicest, funniest, and most helpful example of the makeover show.  

"Oooh look! they put a living room where the crack den used to be!!!" (actual quote from the show)

First off, they don't just makeover the guy.  They makeover his entire house.  And cook dinner, and teach him how to cook it.  They also teach him how to pick out clothes more tastefully, and how to better groom himself.  I think it's safe to say that all should take caution not to think that all homosexuals act like these guys--but at least they aren't all the same Will & Grace Stereotype.  OH enough trying to be PC.  These guys are just plain clever and stylish, and they HELP this guy be more stylish--and feel better about himself--on his own.  

Don was with us, so I got plenty of time to tease him and so we had good times.  I barely get to see him anymore, and even less once I go to Madison, so I've gotta keep him in line while I can.  We had picked up Liz at State 4-H camp, and I was so jealous of her for getting to go.  I miss state camp.  I feel kindof old these days, and it seems like one of those mystical places in the world that will always be summery and young in my mind.  

One of things I really respect Aunt Ellen for is always asking lots of questions without seeming like small talk.  She asks about my life like she cares.  And basically what she got me to say is that I want the honda civic, and not the toyota corolla.  I just feel more comfortable in the civic, and although it's noisier and rougher, I kindof like that.  

So now we've got Dad back for the Monday--this means tomorrow is a car-shopping day.  I've got some honda dealerships to call tomorrow, and maybe we'll find something reasonable.  Mom says I'm getting a car tomorrow.  This is encouraging, but I'm NOT getting my hopes up.  These things just can't happen in a day.  

but if it did, that would rule.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/17/2003 11:57:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Wow, all I had to do was yell at blogger and now it publishes yesterday's entry?

Wow.

Ok, today was horrifically boring.  Mom went to the pool with her friends, and then went to a dinner party with them.  I spent the day with no car, and hardly anything edible.  Yes I'm whining

the highpoint of my day was teaching the puppy to roll over.  The low point was that my senile cat Snow almost got runover by our van, because for some reason she just stood in front of it.  Thank goodness Mocha came down and scared her out of the way.  

Going off tomorrow to visit Motown and my brother, but that's after we pick up Liz at state 4-H camp in Buchannon.  And then after all that we're going to visit Uncle Dan and Aunt Ellen.  That's my weekend!  

Oh! actually, another high point of the day was finishing "The moon is a harsh mistress" --Still want to start a moon farm.  And then I began reading "Christine" by Stephen King.  I can't think of a more fitting book, since it's all about car lust and strainging against adult authority but also being afraid to grow up too much.  So Mr. King, my brain is in your hands once again. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/17/2003 11:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>Ach! blogger!  I will DESTROY YOU FOR YOUR SASSY NATURE!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/16/2003 11:17:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Remember that little advice book?</b>

You know, the one in all the Hallmark(tm) stores that was titled "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" under which it added: "and it's ALL the small stuff.  

Ok, so who can actually believe that craporama?  It's better, I think, to just remember that the devil is in the details.  And currently my life is all about details that I can't help but sweat. 

I'm not all that happy, since I've spent most of my summer trying to get my life for August and beyond settled.  Where am I going to live?  What will I be able to afford?  What kind of car will I have?  What phone company?  What classes? Where am I going to get the money for all this?  

I know it's the typical ordeal everybody my age is going through, and I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't have to find a job. . . But this has to be, hands down, the most frustrating and least-fun summer I can possibly ever remember.  It's sortof hyperbole, because I have had good moments.  But mostly it's been about me wanting to get stuff done so I don't have to worry about it, and then everything else not being conducive to that, and leaving me with just worrying.

AND, it so banal. . . .all the details of my life coming down monthly rates and credit ratings.  I'm just a little disturbed at how old my life is getting.  I've spent alot of my life trying to behave and be mature, and already I'm starting to think I've got alot of misspent youth.  It's all so cliched, and I have no plans of helping the situation.  Just saying it.  

I'm not really depressed.  Just feeling frustrated and unfulfilled, underneath it all.  I'm sure I'll get excited once I actually get to living this life I've spent all summer planning.  There are sure to be suprises.  I just hope I can avoid feeling like this in the future.  I guess that's all one CAN do.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/15/2003 10:53:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Car Shopping. . . who knew?</b>

Well, I got home on Sunday, and from then on it's been me and mom, and nobody else in the whole house.  Liz is at State 4-H camp, Don is at summer session at WVU, and dad is also at WVU teaching for governor's institute.  

So what have we been up to, we two little ladies?  

Well, monday was epic.  We: 

#1 sent in a letter to get my remaining money out of my educational fund
#2 copied and mailed our signed lease agreement for the apartment in Madison
#3 bought mom cute shoes for her highschool reunion this weekend
#4 began the epic quest for a car!!

So, being that my first quest into buying cars is epic for me, I've decided to detail it here.  

On monday we went down to a guy that 3 of mom's friends had recommended.  He runs a garage/gas station/used car lot, and is a mechanic.  He was a nice guy, very calm and friendly without being fast-talky or shifty.  He took one look at me and said he only had one car I might be interested in, but it was his car.  He took us out back, and there stood perhaps the sexiest car I've seen in a while.  It was a black 1999 Pontiac Grand Am GT.  Loverrrlly. Yeah, I did like it.  But he said it needed a look-over of the brakes, so I could come and test drive it on Tuesday.  

We went back up and grabbed Grandpa Garvin, and headed down to check out a buick mom might be interested in at Welty's in Wheeling--a sprawling set of lots with more buick's, pontiac's, and the like.  I ended up test driving a '01 Pontaic Sunfire.  First test drive EVER, and it had to be in horrific downtown wheeling, where some streets are one-way, but not marked as such.  

I survived, and was ok with the way the car handled.  By this I mean I could drive it without feeling out of control like I do in the van.  It was well within my price range, maybe only because Grandpa knows the owner of the dealership. . . but I wasn't very excited.  The salesguy had been there for 30 years, and only shook hands with grandpa and rarely even looked at me.  

Next day, we went down to Elm grove and I test drove the Grand AM GT.  Again, a good ride and I could handle it, but I wasn't really impressed--and I hadn't been impressed by what I read about Pontiac's on the internet the night before.  Sure, it's a sexxxxxy freaking car and I would be lookin' good in it.  But breaking down ain't sexy.  

Then we went off to find the Toyota Dealership, and succeeded.  We had to hike up the stairs to get to any salespeople, and found a guy who was pretty low-key, but friendly once again.  He said he had a 01 Corolla that might suit me, so mom and I waited inside while he pulled it around.  I joked that it better be any color but white. . . .

so of course, what color was it?  BLEND-IN-THE-SNOW white.  
But I drove it anyway.  We took it up windy, windy roads towards Oglebay Park, and I was quite pleased with how it handled them.  Very smooth.  Maybe too smooth.  Not sure about that :).  The dealer came with us (this was a first) and we chatted about where I was going and what my father did, blah blah, and I found out he was roomates in college with my church youth director.  So it was pleasant.  He's got a young family and has always lived in the Ohio Valley.  When we got back, he also offered me a black version of the same corolla with lower mileage--but it would cost about 2,000 more.  Blargh.  Not making things any easier, since I think black may be my favorite color for cars.  Just so damn classy.  

Mom and I left and got delicious mozzarella, tomato, basil, and prosciutto ham pita's at the italian deli across the street.  Delicious.  Refreshing.  

It was after dinner time, but with the city cooling off we decided to fit a trip to the local honda dealership, once again in dowtown Wheeling.  

The dealer we met here was perhaps my favorite dealer, in the sense that he was the most entertaining.  Mom says he's a "horse trader."  I guess this means that he's mostly business, and shady business at that.  He wasn't smooth: he flat out asked us if we were rich at one point.  He was constantly complimenting us about how nice and enthusiastic we were.  It was pretty obvious, but that made it fun and manageable.  

I decided to test drive a 2000 Honda Civic.  Definitely an interesting ride.  The acceleration was jumpier, but wasn't very strong going uphill.  The brake was more rigid.  All and all, it was a rougher ride than the Corolla, but I kindof liked it.  I felt comfortable driving this car--like I was more in touch with the road and in more control of the car.  I wish it had better pick-up on hills, but I did test it on the most brutal highway-hill in the ohio valley.  And how many hills and I gonna see in wisconsin?

The dealer wouldn't give us a set price on the Civic, and instead tried to show us some new Hyundai's, which we turned down because I really can't afford one.  I told him so.  He told us that he would look into their inventory tonight, to see if there were any more Honda's that would work for me.  He says "I can put you in something much better than that DX."  That would be nice, as the DX is the very base model and doesn't come with even a cassette deck.  

So now, here I am, trying to digest it all.  I don't think I want any pontiacs.  I'd trust the Toyota guy before the Honda guy.  But I'd have to talk the Toyota guy down on the black corolla, and mom doesn't like the amount of mileage that white car has and I can't see myself standing white for that long. .  . blargh
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/11/2003 03:37:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/S/sweethang/1046414589_erthecheat.jpg" border="0" alt="the cheat"><br>The Cheat.  You are evil and you are constanly<br>causing trouble.  Strangely you never get<br>blamed for it and you're very popular, probably<br>cuz you're so gosh darn cute.  Rules were meant<br>to be broken, right?
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/sweethang/quizzes/%20%20%20%20What%20HomeStarRunner%20Character%20are%20you%3F%20(pictures)/"> <font size="-1">    What HomeStarRunner Character are you? (pictures)</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


Ok, ok, so I think maybe I answered the questions on the quiz dishonestly, so that I could get The Cheat.

But isn't cheating to become the cheat really what it takes to be THE CHEAT?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/10/2003 01:10:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Amber loses her faith in movies</b>

I watched "Ringu" yesterday--the original Japanese suspsense/horror flick that "The Ring" is based off of.  I enjoyed The Ring.  It was legitimately disturbing without any hacking or popping out of dark corners.  I was under the impression that "Ringu", being the original movie, would be superior.  I mean, whenever we Americans make our version of a foreign film, we tend to mess it up; maybe just so that someone can say "Oh, the original one was SOOO much better."

Well, I'm hear to tell you that, while certainly a good idea for a horror movie, and definitely more mood-driven than actual horror. . .don't waste your hard-earned money on "Ringu."  It left me craving the American version, which although really spotty in the storyline, has EXCELLENT imagery that sticks with you when you try to close your eyes and go to sleep (and THAT is a good horror movie, imho).  

<b>I wanna be a pirate!</b>

I don't know. . . I don't think I'm the only one out there who has been rather dissapointed with movies lately. In March, it seemed like there were alot of great movies on the way.  A new Matrix installment and T3 both looked supremely promising.  . . .

But I saw T3, and was happy to watch it, but left unsatisfied.  The minute The Terminator said "Talk to the Hand" I felt myself die a little inside, as a lover of movies.  

In the middle of all this business in my own life about becoming older and more adult, I was beginning to worry that part of getting older would be that movies would stop being so wonderous.  I mean, I remember how I felt the first time I watched ALIENS or Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom.  And you can't get that feeling back for the movie after you've deflowered it.  I remember how I got sucked right into Jurassic Park to where I thought I could smell the triceratops dung, and I remember how unsastisfying Lost World was after that.  .  . it's depressing. 

I thought, maybe I'm getting older and my imagination is going. . . until I saw "Pirates of the Carribean"

Quite frankly, this is the best fucking movie of the year 2003 (so far, as there's still another LOTR movie in the fall).  Admittedly, I'm biased because I love all things pirate, and have ever since I rode the ride "pirates of the carribean" at Disney World.  It's my favorite ride.  If I close my eyes I can smell the damp air and hear the pirates singing now. . .  It's locked in my memory.  

The movie version is good for many various reasons, but the main reason is this: whoever worked on this film loved the genre and respected the audience enough to make a quality movie.  

Now here's my top ten reasons why you should go see this movie:

10.  Johnny Depp is totally edible.  Ok, so if you're a guy that doesn't quite do it for you, same goes for maybe if he doesn't do it for ya.  But on an acting level, I'm majorly impressed.  Dave and I agree that he was able to be this totally strange and affected character--not act strange, BE strange.  And he wears eyeliner.

9.  Orlando Bloom can actually be something other than Legolas . . . although don't expect much more than good sword fighting from him.

8.  The genius of creating a movie based on an amusement park ride just ripples me with pleasure.  An actual, new idea.  And they incorporate many famous scenes from the ride into the movie, but they do it SEAMLESSLY (without going "hey look! here's a scene from the ride!).  And the nostalgic value is amazing.

7.  Kudos to the creators of this movie for having sword fighting scenes that are full of swash-buckling without weird effects.  As great as "Crouching Tiger. . ." was, afterwards everyone and their mother thought a complex, gravity-defying fight scene was required for it to be considered good action.  The fights scenes in "pirates" are inventive but most of all BELIEVABLE.  

6.  The movie grabs the best of the pirates cliches, both funny and dramatic.  Ports of call overrun by brawling pirates and cannons a firing!

5.  The curse in the movie is a really good curse.  Good as in, you wouldn't want to be cursed with it.  But not a simple curse.  That would've been lame.  

4.  The cursed pirates aren't just corpses trying to kill people--they are clever, personal, and you actually like them.  

3.  Nothing in this movie is stupid.  There is only one possibly dumb one-liner, but its forgivable.  

2.  This movie will make you want to be a pirate.  I'm so fucking sick of more recent movies that seem to have the sole purpose of being 'realistic' to the point of showing how brutal the life of a pirate is.  I don't want to see a movie that makes me go "man, scurvy was lame, I don't think I want to be a pirate anymore."  I want a movie that makes me crave the open sea!!!

1.  Zombies who are also Pirates. . . what the heck more could you ask for!? Maybe if they were Ninjas I guess. .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 7/07/2003 12:42:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The fastest-slowest week perhaps ever ever ever</b>

Goodness, its amazing to think that, really, an entire week has gone by and I have only one entry to cover it.  Maybe happiness is inversely related to frequency of blog entries.  Eh.

So, in general, it's been a busy but not stressful for me week at the Dembinski Household.  Sure, there were arguments and some tense moments about getting Dave's sister's wedding reception smoothed out and ready to roll.  But it was best I didn't get involved.  So I didn't.  The week generally flowed in a predictable pattern: Dave would come downstairs and wake me up at 10AM.  I'd have cereal and we'd chat and watch TV together a bit.  Then at noon, we'd take him to work, and then either some adventure/errand would occur, or a quiet afternoon with long hours of cable TV.  Either way, I spent alot of time with Dave's mother and two sisters.  After I got less nervous, it was a very nice thing.  

The highlights of the week were many.  Dave and I escaped the famiy and drove out to the penninsula in search of the sunset . . . missed it somehow, but still got to be on a "date" of sorts.  Walking in a parkinglot in Findlay, I ran into Barrie--I could hardly believe it, I mean, what are the odds?  Sounds like everything is happy and good for her and Sam, and baby, that makes me so happy to hear it.  On wednesday Dave and I took Dave's Dad to see Terminator 3 for his birthday.  Ehhhh, what can I say about T3?  Basically just what Adam said in his journal.  It was good, but it lacked the James Cameron touch.  I'd still recommend it for viewing, though.  The last 30 minutes is worth it.  

On thursday, Justin drove in from Meadeville and picked me up for a day of wandering around the mall--which was really just what the doctor ordered.  I like hanging out with Justin because he is a wealth of knowledge and good times.  With him I feel like I'm talking about exciting independent living things, plans for the future.  That and he's one of the few people that tell me a long engagement is a good and smart thing.  We looked at some suits for Justin, which helped because I want to learn more about shopping for Men's apparel so I can be of more use to Dave.  We also both picked up video games--I am now the proud owner of Silent Hill 2: Restless Dreams for the the X-box, and it's scaring the freaking crap out of me but I keep gleefully pushing the buttons.  

Friday was the big reception.  I got to wear my pretty little green and green paisely number I bought during my voyage into the Petites section of JCPenney's, and received good praise for it.  The Sunset Inn looked beautiful, with our little butterfly favors and the clean, white table linens.  It had thunderstormed that morning, but quit in time for the evening.  When the guests first arrived, it was a little horrifying for me, since I dont' know anyone. . . at all.  So many people introducing themselves and five seconds into the conversation I realize I've forgotten their names.  And they ask when Dave and I are getting married, and it always sounds awkward when I say in a couple years or after graduation.  I mean, to me it sounds smart, and that's all that matters, but I don't think it's what many people want to hear.  I guess long engagements are rarer than I realized.  

Anyway, things calmed down as Dave and I grabbed drinks and scurried outside.  Luckily, we did have the excuse of being in love and therefore wanting to spend time being googley-eyed at one another.  Or at least, that's what I told myself.  We're allowed to run away, at least until everything calmed down.  Once adjusted, we could eat dinner without getting up every two minutes to say hello and introduce and such.  The reception was beautiful, and the DJ was charming.  And Dave danced with me, which was the best part, for me.  Don't ask me why, but dancing just turns me to emotional mush.  I just get to look up at him and hold his hand and sway about. . . .and i am the happiest thing in all the universe.   It's times like this where I just go "WOW I love this guy.  Never was there anyone more handsome or kind or charming.  This is the guy I want to be dancing with."

So yeah, I had a good time :) 

Saturday we reunited with Justin, and ate greasy delicious food at Quaker Steak, and bought beer and rented movies and spent the evening chilling away.  "Death to Smoochy" is a must for EVERYONE.  

Sunday, well, was kindof mild and quiet.  I woke up at 6AM thinking there was a snake in the room--one of those pesky hallucinations I get sometimes before I fully wake up.  Ate half a donut and went to bed, only to wake up at noon.   I was starting to get a bit bummed, because the weekend was over and although Friday had been lovely, I hadn't really spent much alone time with Dave.  I mean, that's to be expected, since we're in a house that's occupied by an entire family plus visitors.  So I tried to just shrug it off, but frankly, that makes me more upset usually.  The inner pouting, bleh.  I was about ready to despair, but then Dave and I watched Magnolia together, just the two of us, and now I feel better.  Mucho better-o.  

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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/30/2003 11:27:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The long and the short of it</b>

(ok, this is actually the e-mail I sent my folks, but it gives the best update really)

Well, we made it to Erie pretty darn easily--it's a straight shot once you get onto I-70, then I-79, then you're in Erie!  
Dave's Dad was very impressed with his visit to our house; when we arrived in Erie he told everyone about seeing his first bluebird :)

Dave and I were both exhausted, so it was hard to mingle with relatives and friends that were in for the reception.  So we crashed at 11PM.  Dave came down from his upstairs nest/room in the morning and gave a knock on my door, and we had breakfast together before he had to go to work at noon.  

After that, it was just me and the rest of the family.  We watched soaps and I played video games with Jill Marie.  At 3:30PM Julie's husband Andrew's mom came over, and we worked on favors for the reception--little feathery butterfulies attached by springs to cards with a dolly parton poem about love being like a butterfly.  Very pretty, actually.  We enjoyed our craftiness.

More video games, and then at 8PM we picked up dave from work, and had pizza.  Then Dave and I watched the TNT epic movie about Ceasar, and that was it for the evening.  

It always takes a little while to get comfortable as a guest in someone else's house.  But just like Dave, Dave's family is easy to get comfortable being around.  And the food is delicious, and they have cable.  But mostly, it's great to be around Dave again.  We'll see how the week goes!
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/27/2003 11:17:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Problems? I only have problems on every day that starts with "y"</b>

I'm beginning to see a spot on the wall that looks like a bullseye, and I really want to hit my head with it.  Really.

I didn't get good sleep last night.  I dreamt a really weird scenario, where you could go to a website, and it would make you fall asleep and you would wake up in a virtual world where something you wish were true were happening.  Your dream world.  Only problem was, once you awoke in that world, you couldn't get back to the real one.  In the end, the only way to get out--that I could devise--was to somehow trick someone who knew computers into going to the site, and getting them to wake up in the virtual world.  There they could use their knowledge to break us both out.  

Very matrix-esque, but also strange because I know my brain threw in old memories and sensations that I didn't even know I'd be able to remember, and when I woke up, I felt *very* strange.   It was that feeling that I hadn't really left the dream yet--my emotions felt like I was still there, and it took all morning to shake out of the fog.  

My day was mainly uneventful.  rode my bike a bit, played with Mocha, washed the dishes--thankless job anymore.   Helped get our backyard fire ready, and we roasted salmon.  Thankfully my stomach finally had stopped feeling like rumbly congested gravel, as it has for most of the week, so I got to appreciate it.  Unfortunately, it does right now.  

Mom had agreed to give me a ride up to Erie, PA, this sunday.  I realized that since currently granpda G was not happy with Dave and I living together in Madison, he probably wouldn't loan us the car.  And after finally hunting mom down today, she tells me that she doesn't really want to drive for seven hours.  I will indeed have to ride the bus, and she's researched tickets and all.  I had to ask her when she had planned on telling me any of this.  But hey, I don't mind riding the bus for 6 hours (honestly).  I'm not thrilled about arriving in a strange town at 10PM at night--the station will be already closed.  But I don't care.  I just want to get to see Dave again, and also get the hell out of this situation, where I have to depend on parental money and transportation to do ANYTHING.  I should've gotten a job.  That would've been easy if I had a car.  But can't get a car without transportation to a car dealer.  And nobody's been in a hurry to solidly help with either.  It becomes this frustrating cycle-- don't want to inconvenience anyone, but if I could just get a car, they wouldn't have to worry about me at all.  

*sigh*  I guess, in the end, I'm really finally ready to be an independant adult, and that's probably what my parents want.  They've always protected me and helped me, but it's always been when they feel they can fit it in to their own lives.  But soon the money I make will be my own, I'll live in my own apartment, with my own car, and my own life every day.  And hell, it won't even have to be a lonely life.  Now if I can just survive it all. . . <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/27/2003 12:03:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> Mall day</b>

I went to sleep Wednesday night dreaming of clothing stores and cute pants purchased.  I love going to the mall, and Thursday was slated to be mall day.  So I woke up as soon as I hear mom coming up the stairs Thursday morning, anticipating the wakeup call.  

"Guys." She said.  "There's been an emergency."


Ok, so what would you think if your mom came into your room at 8AM in the morning and said "there's been an emergency?"  I was thinking, maybe somebody died, or my cat got run over, or Dad got something ELSE stuck in his eye.  These are all reasonable things to call emergencies, wouldn't you say?  

Well what would you think if I told you the emergency was that the rabbit we were watching for friends had run away?  What would you think if I told you mom woke everyone up to form a searchline and comb the vast pasturelands of tall grass behind our house? 

I'm no animal-hater, but damnit if I didn't wish that had been eaten by an owl or something.  Kidnapped by racoons.  It was more likey the thing was half-way to the next county by now.  But there I was at 8 in the morning, looking for a missing rabbit. . .the popcorn of the forest.  

Many hours later, after we had convinced mom to give up the search, Dad went to mow the lawn on the other side of the house, and scared the bunny out of some bushes.  Liz caught him, and now he's in a high-security cage in the yard.  And he better freakin' stay there.  

Fortunately, after that "emergency" we went to the mall.  Armed with some extra cash, I accomplished my goal of finding khaki capris and jean capris for the summer.  Another successful trip to the Petites section.  Also went to Deb's and ALMOST bought a shirt that said "BLING BLING" on it, because that is my favorite jive slang.  But I backed down, and settled for some regular tops.  So now, my need to shop is satiated.

Got our lease agreement for the apartment today in the mail.  Dear lord, does it feel good to be accepted, and to know that apartment is indeed ours if we sign it.  

Not much going on . . .just chilling and waiting to see EL DAVE soon!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/25/2003 01:14:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Is this how it's gonna be?</b>

Horoscope from <a href="http://www.freewillastrology.com">Free Will Astrology </a>for Leo, Week of June 19th:

<i>A 6.7 earthquake rippled through the northwestern United States recently. No one felt it, though, because it happened in slow motion, unfolding gradually over a two-month period. Are you ready for the metaphorical equivalent of this temblor? It will subliminally shake your foundations until your birthday. Whether it ultimately relieves or aggravates deep-seated tensions will depend on your attitude. If you regard it with fear and resistance, it will amplify your existing level of stress. But if you vow to enjoy the ride, it will rock your world in the best possible way. </i>

Monday was just plain yucky.  So much happening and not happening.  Tuesday, was. . . better and yet not really, somehow.  Slept in and missed the cleaning extravaganza.  Aunt Trisha and cousins Kelsie and Tyler showed up.  I haven't seen Kelsie in maybe a year, and Tyler for even longer.  We all got settled on the porch, in the smooth heat of what's left of June.  Then someone noted that we hadn't seen Don's cat Smokey all day.  Don went to look for him, and found him.  He was curled up under the bathroom window, looking so peaceful--but not breathing.  

Smokey was 18 years old, and had been wasting away rapidly in the last month.  He had made friends with the new puppy, and we were feeding rich catfood to him, trying to put weight back on him.  But I guess it was just his time to go.  Don is acting less upset then i'm betting he actually is.  We got the cats when he was two.  I don't think it's hit me yet, but I was also expecting it these days.

Grandpa G came over and dropped off the Greentab.  He said hi to everyone, but he avoided eye contact with me, quickly left saying he had a meeting to get to.  While it saddens me, I'm not going to get upset by it.  Or at least, I'm going to *try* not to.

Once again, car-finding isn't near the top ten priority in the Pollack House.  Earlier in the week, mom had said we should try to get me a car this week, since I'd go off to Erie on Sunday and when I'd come back everyone but Liz would be out of town and there would be no car to use.  Tomorrow is Wednesday, and while I've made lists of possible used cars from the classifieds, I have no loan, and no money.  So I'm trying to give up for now, although the car fever is upon me.

The true brightside is that on Sunday I'll get to go up to Erie and stay with Dave's family for awhile.  I hope it will be a positive thing, and I won't overstay my welcome or anything like that.  I just need out.  And I'm SUPER psyched to get to see Dave for awhile.  

Super super psyched.  I can't express how happy.  So hopefully, I can just focus on that and scrreeew whatever happens this week.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/23/2003 11:15:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><center><a href="http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/"><img src="http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/icons/type4F.gif" border=0 alt="Enneagram" title="Take the Enneagram Institute's Free Enneagram Test"><br>free enneagram test</a></center>

Type Four 
The Individualist
The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences. 

<b> A good, old-fashioned Monday</b>

BLARGH.  I knew monday was supposed to be a big day.  After all, I was going to do amazing things, like close out my educational trust for car-buying booty, and hopefully get some clues for financing a car loan from the lady who had overseen my trust for many years.  So I got up nice n' early and put on a cute skirt that I can't wear at home because Mocha the puppy chews on the hems.  Then found out that dad had something in his eye, and had actually requested to go to the hospital--so we knew this injury must be serious, as dad is the kind of guy who cleans bleeding headwounds with a toothbrush and antiseptic and crazyglues it shut.  He is famous for not going to hospitals.  Quickly, priorities for the day were changing from minute to minute.  Lots of things happened, so I'll go for a shortened overview:

<b>Bad stuff</b>
First off, turns out that closing out a trust fund takes a full month to complete--so all this time I've been waiting to sell of the remaining stock, I could've been putting things in motion.  I won't have my own car money till my birthday.  I went up to my room and cried for about 15 minutes, because I'm SO freaking tired of waiting for one thing to be in order, only to find out I have to wait for something else before I can even get a set of wheels.  Went to the bank to at least drop off a letter to offically express my wishes to close out the account, and the lady wasn't there, so I couldn't ask her if she could recommend anyone for a car loan.  She just got back from vacation and is too swamped.  

The prize for today, though, goes to my Grandpa G, for finally realizing that I will be "living in sin" starting this fall.  I'm not sure why all the sudden NOW it's a big deal, but apparently he's beeing trying to hunt down mom to get her to do something about it.  What exactly that something would be, I don't know.  I understand now why he asked me to come over to his house a day or two back.  I typically avoid big trouble from adults, so this is almost a new experience.  But also, I'm an adult.  I'm worried mainly about just how upset grandpa G is, because he's my grandpa and I love him, and I'd hate to see this turn ugly. 

</b>The Good Stuff</b>
With all this living with dave and unmarried issue comes a very calming feeling--a stubborn sort of sureness.  First off, I see absolutely nothing wrong with it, but I understand it's not my generation that has a problem with it.  There are so many good things, for me, about having Dave around, even if you take anything "sinful" out of the equation.  I mean, I'm alot safer with a big strong guy around, for one thing.  Also, I won't be so lonely as I was in Columbus.  I'll have someone to come home to, which makes all the difference in the world when you're in a new town and working too damn hard.  Having him there is a great emotional and physical asset to my life--not to mention I'm retarded for him.  

But I think it's best put this way: I am NOT going rush a marriage just to make someone else feel better about what their peers will think about them.  I respect the seriousness of marriage, and Dave and I have committed to that path.  But as I've said before, I want to have the time and the money to plan a real wedding.  I mean, when exactly would I have time to plan a wedding, let alone finance the thing?  Dave has debt and I'm scraping just to buy a freaking car.  Money aside, I resent the idea of marriage as a quick-fix way to "keep shame off the family." 

Anyway, mom and dad agree with me.  They don't want me jumping into marriage, and furthermore they won't let grandpa force them to "do something about it."  They say they feel the most valuable gift they can give to us kids is the chance to make our own decisions in life.  

Bottomline: I'm an adult, my life is my own, sorry but I'm not changing it.  And that's empowering.  

Other good news: dad got a flake of rust removed from under his eyelid--so he is feeling sweet relief.  Mom sold some shares of Merck, hopefully to buy her own car or fix ours, so she says that if we find a car, she will loan me the 3,000 I should get from my trust.  So car plans are not thoroughly hindered.  Dad gave me "Driving a Stardard" lesson two, where I shifted from 1st, to 2nd, to 3rd, and back down again---no stalling!  Ok, I stalled in the parkinglot, but I'm finding starting the car moving is more likely to stall than when the car is already in motion.  The whole clutch situation is becoming more intuitive.  

BIG NEWS: DAVE AND I HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR THE APARTMENT!!! Got the call today, amidst all the other drama, and they are sending the lease forms to me via mail.  Sweet Jesus, thank God we have that taken care of.  Otherwise, I would've needed drugs I think.  

MOVIE NEWS:  I did my first parent-free drive by taking don to the video store.  We rented and watched "Tears of the Sun'" and "Adaptation."  Tears of the sun in an excellent movie, although it required stomaching alot of violence and choking back alot of tears.  Adaptation was a very intriguing movie.  It is cleverly written, and makes you think about things like having strong passions for strange things, screenwriting, and evolution/adaption.  I'd recommend it, although if I were you I'd read the review from <a href="http://www.bigempire.com/filthy/adaptationcatchme.html">The Filthy Critic</a>, for a better idea of the movie.  Finally, went out with Dave K. and Steph to the movies.  Saw "Bruce Almighty."  I'd say, don't waste your money and wait till it's a rental, but it's a decent, funny movie with a happy ending.  Nothing more, nothing less.  

Dave K. leaves for D.C. on wednesday I think.  The floorplan for his apartment is called "The Madison," and the first trip his company is sending him on is to Madison, WI.  I think that's weird enough to make note of.  Two of mom's students are also named Madison.  Oh yeah, and then there's that whole me moving to madison thing. . . 

Pollack relatives coming through Wheeling on Tuesday!!!! BLING!

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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/20/2003 11:39:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Better times</b>

Well, it's inevitable.  You get fed up and feel like crap, so of course, things can only get better after you can't feel any worse (although frankly, I have felt worse).  

Mom was in full-tilt-action mode this morning, when she woke me up at 10AM.  She'd already filled out the cosign forms for the apartment, and was getting ready to head to the bank to get them notarized and faxed.  So I decided to hop in the car with her--my dreams were so disturbing, involving being a zombie creation caught by scientists who wanted to dissect me, that I was happy to join her in the land of the living for the morning.

After that was ALL DONE, it was about noon.  Mom started talking about cleaning again, so I went upstairs, stripped back to pajamas and went back to sleep.  I dreamt I was in Regional Honors Band again, and the conductor had just signalled for us to start tuning, and I realized I'd left my french horn out in the auditorium.  I ran to go get it, and realized that I couldn't get back on stage past the sections that were already tuning, and then I realized I didn't have my contacts in and couldn't see the music.  Then I woke up.  

It was then 4:50PM.  Wow.

around 6PM, mom and dad and I went to the Our Lady of Peace Church & School Fiesta.  When we arrived, just as it began, there was about nobody there.  The weather was cold and suggesting rain.  We grabbed some dinner--mmmmmcheesy enchiladas and chips and salsa.  I'm coming back Saturday night for the cabbage rolls (seriously).  Seeing hardly anybody at any of the carnival booths, we decided to be encouraging patrons, and got our hair sprayed various colors.  Mom got blue, which only showed on the few grey streaks she has now.  I got orange-pink, which was rather subtle.  We both still have dark hair.  Now dad, on the other hand, has a distinct halo of grey on his head.  So his choice of green. . .woow.  He claimed it was in honor of the opening of "The Hulk" in theatres.  There was just something marvelous about a guy in his mid-fifties walking around with bright green hair, with sparkles.  The little preschoolers just couldn't believe it.  It's just not something you see every day.

Most of the time, we all just hung out and listened to <a href="http://www.smokedaddy1.com">Smoke Daddy and the Crawfish</a>, the band Dave and I would like to have play our wedding reception some day.  They rock. 

Well, other branches of the Pollack Clan are headed into town soon.  Should be interesting . . . 

Oh, and please note the addition of Jonah's weblog to the list of available links.  Interesting adventures, although sometimes lacking in periods :) <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/20/2003 03:11:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Amber finally escapes with friends, at the nick of time</b>

Definitely best title for today.  Backstory for today is this: Mom went to Steubenville for an overnighter with her two roommates from college: Debby and Debbie.  She left on Wednesday with a breezy  “see you all on Friday!”  In other news,  I awoke this morning feeling much better, because after reaching the ultimate depths of seepy-eyed despair, mom and I scheduled Monday for going to the bank and getting my money, and starting the quest for someone to finance a car loan.  She also said she’d be happy to drive me to Erie to visit Dave—she likes long trips, like I do.  

So, I woke up this morning feeling better.  . . feeling CLEARER in thought.  So maybe the hormones subsided.  Anyway, I went downstairs to find I had a letter from Lakeside Property Management office (the folks handling the application for my apartment in Madison).  It was a thick envelope, so I didn’t panic (bad news, at least in college applications, always arrives on one sheet of paper).  So I opened it, and yes, it isn’t bad news, but it isn’t exciting.  It’s forms for someone to cosign my lease.  Since I don’t have any credit, I kindof figured it was coming, but I was hoping to get accepted first, and do lease-signing stuff later.  But mom had already said she’d cosign anything—heck, grandpa had cosigned mom and dad’s trailer when they were 21.  Yes, I said trailer.  

So I walk back into the kitchen, where Dad is helping Liz fill out a state 4-H camp form, and he looks irritated already.  Dad asks me what the letter says, and I explain I’ll need someone to cosign my lease for the apartment.  “Well who’s going to do that?” he says.  I explain that mom will.  “And what if our credit isn’t any good Amber?  What are you going to do then?”

“Well, I’ll get GRANDPA GARVIN to cosign (also a plan approved by mom)”

And then dad does his patented “I’m not going to argue with you, but I don’t think this will work” look.  It makes me mighty peeved, because A) What the hell kindof questioning IS this?  I’m trying to AVOID flipping out over the stress of this, and B) Like my brother, sometimes Dad cannot accept that he might be wrong, and he’s fantastic at mystically making you feel wrong.   But then again, like me, Dad is emotional and often says stupid things that are disconcerting without intending to be.  Like two years ago, when he asked why I wasn’t taking advantage of the gym at college, and I was hurt because I was already insecure about my weight.  Turns out he was just upset because he didn’t have any exercise equipment, and was feeling jealous.  

Anyway, I stormed off.  Had to, to avoid the ineffable fights that Dad won’t let you win or walk away from.  

The second half of the day was better.  I researched cars and just relaxed on the porch, to cool off mentally.  The beautiful thing about our family is that nobody wants to stay touchy for long, so we went off on an adventure to drop Don off at his friend Dan-who’s-always-inviting-me-to-his-LAN-parties-if-I-strip-for-them’s house.  Charming.  After we dropped him off, we passed through the Ben Franklin’s Parking lot, and spotted an NICE ’99 Toyota Camry for sale.  I wrote down the number for now, although I’m having some issues since every review says its reliable, but utterly lacking in personality.  Can’t decide if I can or can’t live without such things as personality.  But oh well.

Came home, went to sister Liz’s softball game, where I saw the fastest pitcher I’ve seen this season, who of course was on the opposing team.  Liz was the only one to get a hit with that pitcher, and I was proooud of her!  Sometimes I wonder where all the sporty genes went in me.  It was freezing at the game, especially for late June.  WHERE THE HELL IS SUMMER?

Back home again, where of course I had a call from Dave K.  The only night of the week I go out, and that’s when I get a call.  So I call back, and we plan to pick up Steph and go to BW3’s at 9:50.  I’m about to hop in the shower when a car pulls up, and mom jumps out.  

This is a very special OH SHIT moment.  Why?  Well, because we were expecting her to come back Friday, like she said.  The kitchen, after dad’s latest bean soup construction, is a true mess.  I apologize to Debbie when she comes in, of course, the kitchen way, instead of the clean living room way.  I say it’s my fault, thought mom was coming tomorrow.  I’m not sorry, just trying to do damage control.  

They have a good time, and mom seems not to mind.  And then Debbie leaves.  

And now, I invite you to enjoy one of the MAIN reasons I don’t like to be home.  Mom is not really an obsessive cleaner.  Her problem is that she always worries that if the house isn’t perfect, people will “think ill of her” or tell everyone what a dirty house she has.  The house is always a “dump” full  of “trash.”  The worst part typically being she won’t tell anyone how to help her, but then she’ll try to do it all herself, and get exhausted.  I thought by apologizing, perhaps we could avoid the replay of that old “the house is a mess.  I’m so embarrassed” tape that mom tells.  

Of course I was wrong.  I had just gotten all showered and dressed, when I heard furious sweeping in the kitchen—and I knew it had begun.  I came in, and mom was mumbling about it to Dad and Liz.  And I was just fed up with it.  So I tried to stop her, and tell her she didn’t have to worry, I apologized to Debbie.  She stared at me, and said it didn’t matter, she was already so embarrassed.  I tried to explain that she didn’t have to connect having the house perfect with what people think of her.  It's not the first time I've tried to teach her this.  But she was already getting the teary eyes.  I told her Debbie probably didn’t even notice or care.  “But it’s important to ME. When we walked in this house it was a disaster ar. ..”  I just turned around and walked downstairs, with Liz in front of me.  I told Liz later to ignore mom when she gets like that.  In the end, it’s all you CAN do.  

In the end, I just get so frustrated when I see mom break down over little things.  She is such a strong woman, who’s done so much on her own, without help or even economic assistance from Dad at times.  I want to respect her, but I get so mad when she cries because there are dirty dishes on the counter when her one of her best friends of 20 some years walks in the kitchen.  This woman, who is a beloved and sought-after teacher in the community, with kids who don’t get into fights, get pregnant, or do badly in school, with a husband who loves her and spends every other day walking on eggshells and making sure we kids do the same. . .this woman breaks down because there is clutter in the kitchen.  It scares me, because it’s really a record she plays.  She goes away and her mouth starts moving and it’s all about how not good enough the house is, how not good enough our job of keeping it clean is.  It happens, like my own spells of depression, just every once in awhile.  And that disturbs me more.

But soon I’m downstairs, and Dave’s car is pulling up in the driveway.  And all I can do is thank God I’m getting out of the house for an evening.  
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/18/2003 12:05:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>blargh again</b>

Today, being tuesday, has not been the best of days.  Woke up around 10AM, which wasn't bad, but I was greeted with a letter from my bank.  It informed me that I was denied for a credit card.  For some reason, mom and dad were there and wanted me to read what it said, which made the moment all the more special.  Then I realized that, while I had arranged with Dave that I'd come up to Erie on the 22nd, in fact a whole side of my family--the much-loved pollack side--was coming in next week.  So eventually I'd have to tell Dave, and it wouldn't be a happy thing.

I just wanted to go back to bed, but on a bright note, because the weather was rainy and dad couldn't get any yardwork done, he decided we could go to Pastimes Grill for lunch.  Dad had received a gift certificate, which overcame his typically frugality.  Our food was indeed delicious, although I could eat only half my sandwhich.  But I felt better.

Came home, and dad said we should practice shifting gears on the Rabbit, but we never got around to it, so I took a shower, thinking that maybe I'd go out tonight, since Dave K. had mentioned that maybe we all should.  Finished out the 2nd disc of the 2nd season of Buffy, and it was indeed good.  Watched "last comic standing" with Don, as he built a ruined tower out of styrofoam.  Both spectacles were humorous.  Then watched dateline talk about the safety of SUV's, which was kindof annoying because not everyone can freaking afford SUV's.  

Hopped online, told Dave the bad news, and I think we've worked it out, but I still feel like C-RAP.  I just feel crappy and sad and tired.  It's probably just girl-hormones doing a number on me again.  I've cried more than once today.  Need to get out, and wish I was confident about buying a car.    <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/16/2003 11:20:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Update</b>

Seems like every time I get started on updating this journal, I'm too tired or my contacts are too squidgy for me to do a really good job.  

Things have been quiet.  I called the property manager, after we got home and there was a message that they needed Dave's social security number and rental history.  Unfortunately, they only work till noon on Fridays, so I left a message saying I'd call them during business hours on monday.  Mom of course is still worried that we won't get the place, because she likes it so much.  The worrying certainly doesn't help me, but oh well.  

We went to Morgantown on Saturday so dad could attend a meeting for the governor's school folks.  I was hoping quietly that they'd say they'd like me to work there, but no, they didn't.  What jerks.  All they had to do was say they weren't interested.  Instead they just don't reply at all.  Well, I guess it worked out for the best, since I've had plenty to do here at home.  Still, I'm a bit pissed about it.

On the bright side, whilst at Morgantown I picked up the 2nd Season of Buffy TVS.  22 fantastic episodes of what is regarded as one of the best seasons.  I can see why.  Suddenly the series is dropped into a much darker, sadder, and more desperate mood.  After all the excitement and amazement from seeing Buffy kick butt the first season, you see that she's still extremely vulnerable and definitely battling issues surrounding being the only one who can do anything against evil, but then also being the one at most risk.  Alot of issues that get replayed by season 5, 6, and 7.  And my sister Liz is hooked--we watched 3 episodes together last night, and she's been watching more since 3PM Sunday afternoon.  It kindof sucks since if I want to use the computer I have to try not to overhear the plot in the next room.  But oh well. 

Not much happened sunday.  Woke up late after having dreams about being Buffy again, around 2PM, and then waited for dinner when Grandpa G came over for father's day cookout.  Then went over with Dave K. to Steph's to watch "Snatch," which was goodfun.  Turns out Dave K. is moving to his new location in D.C. sooner than was expected, and early on he is assigned to go to Madison for work.  The coincidence was pretty entertaining.  I asked him if he needed to borrow any maps ;)

Well, that's about all for now.  Main goals for the week are to finish out that application for the apartment (get that SETTLED so I can finally say "I have an apartment!"  and also close out my educational trust, which will requre the selling of stocks, so that I can get a car.  Should be interesting. . . <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/13/2003 12:54:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Weird dreams again</b>

Well, last night I dreamt my old roommate Kat had met a trio of three boys, and was dating them all at the same time.  One was blond with curly hair, another was a brunette, and the third was a redhead.  I joked to her that she was like the Devil in the Witches of Eastwick.  Actually, they had all started a band.  They played a song for a bunch of us, wailing on guitars and sining bluesy stuff, and I sang along with one of them, and Kat told me later that two people told her I did it well.  I shrugged it off, saying they were probably people I knew, and she said yep, it had been Sprite and Tish!  Anyway, my old friend/exfriend Dyann from highschool auditioned me, insisting I play a complicated trumpet duet with her.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/13/2003 03:31:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>*Collapse*</b>

Whew!  Can you believe the girl that was "afraid to drive" spent around 6+ hours behind the wheel of grandpa's cadillac on the interstate driving from past Indianapolis, through Dayton & Columbus, and finally to Wheeling?  I'm really proud of myself for getting home with little direction from Mom and grandpa--aka I could probably do it myself.  

I think our trip to madison was very successful.  I found a really nice apartment, a 1 bedroom that's about 680 square feet and I'm too tired to describe in full.  I've filled out an application and put down a deposit, so with fingers crossed I have secured Dave and myself a nice, clean, safe, and convenient place to stay for our first year in Madison.  

But for now, I'm freaking tired.  We've been driving since noon, and just got home, basically.  Later kiddies!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/10/2003 01:22:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Last-minute trip to Madison</b>

Mom, Grandpa G, and myself are leaving at 5AM for Madison this Tuesday morning.  We're going to drive to Chicago and stay with Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Don in their swank condo overnight.  Then Wednesday morning we'll drive into Madison, and look at places in the afternoon and evening.  Not really looking at a whole ton of places, because I have a good feeling about the loft 1-bedroom.  Mom is bringing her video camera so we'll make a little video of the apartment we choose, should one BE chosen (it likely will, because otherwise I'll likely be a nervous wreck).  We'll get back on Friday, at some point. . .I think :)  

Then we're going to WVU on Saturday, as Dad as has a meeting with the Governor's school folks--maybe they'll say I have a job with them, but I really doubt it.  Got a little depressed today when I realized I indeed WOULD have had time to be a counselor at County 4-H camp, but had some good times going out to Eat n' Park for pie with Dave K, Justin, and Steph.  Ran into another highschool face, Rob, who is now a self-proclaimed four-time college dropout.  Man, he was interesting to listen to, and I mean that in the intriguing and good sort of way.  Anyone who says "I don't wanna talk small talk with you guys.  You don't want to do that, do you?" just gets a bit of respect in my book.  Oh, and Dave K. got his new shiny black sportscar, and I am SOOOO FREAKING JEALOUS.  I want a totally sexy, zippy fast car.  I won't get one.  Can't afford it.  Damn.  

Damn, lost half my entry to the blogger again.  Need to pack, so we'll save the rest for later.  Wish me luck in Madison, and hopefully I'll remember to bring Don back some cheese!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/08/2003 11:56:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>*SHRUG*</b>

Bahh, I don't know what to think of today.  I totally flipped out and snapped at mom twice in one day, which isn't good.  The first time was while we were at my sister Liz's softball game--on a field with direct sun in the afternoon and no shade.  I'd gone home and applied sunscreen and wore a hat like a good pale person should.  So I'm sitting, baking, in the sun, and I leaned forward for maybe five minutes to cool off my legs with my own shade.  Mom reached over and tried to pull the back of my shirt or pants or something--asking me if I'd put sunscreen on my back, in that too-quick and maybe not thinking motion.  And I yelled at her that I was just fine, yes I'd done it myself.  Yes I'd put on sunscreen.  (for Christ sakes, I'm 21, can I take care of my own skin care now?).  

Then I flipped out when we were back home, after a tremendously awesome thunderstorm.  When the rain stopped, a brilliant double rainbow appeared nearly over our house.  Nobody had a camera, so I ran up and got mine, brought it back down, and snapped a picture.  Happy with my picture, I put the camera down.  Then Dad told me to come over to where he was and take a picture.  Then Don told me to come over to where he was and take a picture.  Both of which were in the rain, and I was trying to avoid getting the lens wet.  So I said no, I don't think so.  And instead of just respecting that hey, it's Amber's camera and maybe she doesn't want to take a picture over there, it had to become this big thing where I was obviously being unreasonable for not wanting to be the family's personal photographer for a rainbow I'd already photographed the way I wanted to.  So I stormed off again, and played made a moon zoo on Zoo Tycoon for a couple hours.  

And of course, after writing this, the theme is obvious: People try to tell me what to do and damnit I just want to do it myself . . .no drama.  It's the perennial problem I run into when I'm at home: everyone is pretty helpful, but I get to the point where I have to be totally dependent on them for everything, and I stop feeling very much like the adult I am.  

That, and I need to hang out with people my own age, and that doesn't coordinate so well when you dont' have your own transportation.  And grandpa tells me to hold off selling my stocks (for buying a car) for a little bit, because the stock market keeps going up every day. . . 

In similar news, and in less spastic times earlier in the week: Dad started to teach me the basics of driving a standard, using our 1980's VW Diesel Rabbit.  It's a white Rabbit, so it made me think of Alice! It seems go-kart sized and has a leopard print carseat.  We took it up to the Dairy Plant parkinglot, and Dad showed me how to put the car in 1st and Reverse.  I did a couple figure 8's, and only stalled the thing twice.  It's just scary when you have to transition from letting off the clutch and pushing on the gas at the same time, and the whole car makes this WHUUUMP WHUUUMP WHUUUUMP! noise.  BUT i also can revv up the little diesel engine, which makes a fantastic VROOOMing sound.  And compared to the Chevy Lumina Van. . .this thing turns on a dime.  Maybe there is hope for me as a standard driver yet--there's just alot of thinking required at this stage, and I can't imagine trying to pull it off in traffic anytime soon.  

Finally, APARTMENTS!!!

Ok, so I was also in tears late friday night, because after talking with Dave and looking soberly at our chances of getting an apartment search in on a weekend and still get Dave back in time for work. . .I realized it just wasn't going to happen.  That, and the trip had ballooned to include Mom and Dad as well as Don, which I think kindof freaked Dave out a bit.  Understandable, as suddenly the whole trip becomes rather parent-provided and driven, in one small car for ten or more hours.  So, finally, we came to the agreement that we'd look at apartments somewhat together online, and then I'd go check out the creme de la creme in person, in Madison.  Then my parents could see Madison and be happy, and I could get the apartment issue settled.  It would be thoroughly awesome if Dave could see Madison before we moved up, but I'm not going to make any predictions.  Inevitably, we'll get there.

Of course, I haven't established any credit yet (duh, that was dumb of me).  So likely mom and dad will have to cosign my lease agreement if I sign one.  And of course, there is the issue of Dave not being there and whether or not he needs to sign the lease too, and if so, how we get that accomplished. . .ack.  

So, the plans for monday are to cash my 700 dollars worth of checks from various sources, and either establish a new bank account (mom's main reason for this is that when I want to buy a car, it would be good to have my extra money in a local bank.  And then I need to make the mad long-distance calls to arrange viewings of the apartments I'm interested in.  The idea is to drive out Tuesday, and look Wednesday and possibly Thursday, and make it back before the weekend.  And with some luck, I'll come home with pictures of a cute little apartment and dream of how Dave and I will make it ours.

Oh dear lord, that sounds kindof cheesy. ..

Ok! to counter the cheesiness in this epic entry, I suggest you go read the <a href="http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html">New Strongbad E-mail</a>.  That'll make it better.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/06/2003 12:07:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>More backroads. . . </b>

I had the pleasure of going out with Justin and Steph tonight, with the goal of finding out if the only bar near Bethany College was open for business.  Justin says it is perhaps his favorite bar, perhaps because you see so many people you know.  So we drove all the way out there, past Oglebay Park and West Liberty State College, through some near heart-stopping curves on the backroads up to Bethany.  

Suddenly we were up on a ridge, with a fench on one side and fields on the other, and it reminded me exactly of a place I drove to on a date with the only guy I despise to this day after dating.  If I'm remaining ambiguous, it's only for the sake of decency.  It was a disturbing couple of moments as I remembered some questionable things about that evening, when it was raining hard and I'd just been dumped by Dave K.  It made me worry about my little sister Liz, who is starting into the age when dating becomes pretty likely, especially for someone as pretty and sociable as she is.  

Then I realized there wasn't much I could do but hope she'd make good decisions.  I can give her limited advice, but in the end making it through dating in highschool is part luck and part guts and mostly self confidence.  She's either got them or she doesn't.

Anyway, we made it to the bar, only to find it closed, so we drove back to Moundsville and had a very late dinner at Mitchell's Family Resteraunt--a local institution open late for all the drunks.  It was suprisingly empty, but we had a nice quiet evening.  

It meant alot to me to get invited out for the evening without influence from Dave K or Jonah.  I've known both of them alot longer than I've known the others, and sometimes I feel like I only get invited places because of them.  But I'm just being insecure perhaps.  I like that crew, and maybe they like me too! (blatant cheesy rhyming.  Many apologies)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/02/2003 12:07:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>It's not really big news, but yay!</b>

I feel like I out to apologize for this, but since it's really just my weblog and not "awesome amber-story time fun for all" weblog, I'm writing down how excited I am today.  Why's that?  Well. . .

Mom and I went to the mall today, so that I could get skeletor some new bedding and a new heat lamp and some meal worms, and also because I had a hankerin' for shopping.  I decided it would be a good day to buy an outfit for a reception Dave's family is throwing for his younger sister Julie.  So we go to JCPenney's, and I find a beautiful teal patterned skirt that is just darn lovely and looks lovely on me.  Only problem is, every top I try on looks horrid.  They all are baggy and billowy near my chest, and skintight snug around my stomach.  Now, I'm no waif, but I'm also not overweight.  My sister Liz and I can wear the same clothes right now, and I know she looks lovely.  So what's the deal?  Why can't I find clothes that fit?

Because I was shopping in the wrong freaking section of the store.  According to mom, I'm a "borderline petite" . . .which sounds prrrreeety dangerous, right?  

We went upstairs to the petite section, and grabbed the same tops that went with my lovely skirt.  I put one on, and it was like a miracle.  The shirt fit around my sleeves--no bra-flashing gapes.  And the shirt flared out right where it should, so instead of looking like I had a small innertube wrapped around my hips, I looked like I had a cute little waist and hips.  I had to dance around with glee.  Suddenly every shirt I tried on looked fabulous and cute.  Mom was not extreemely suprised, because she'd experienced the same things with her mother, Grandma Garvin.  Turns out I come from a long line of petites, including my Aunt Sylvia, Aunt Donna, and Cousin Kristen (all my immediate female relatives on mom's side except mom).  We all have short torsos, which means that regular shirts are too long and leave too much space at the sleeves.  Like them, I have plenty of legs, but not much length above the waist.  

Apparently I've gotten away with "normal" clothes for so long because I've worn juniors sizes, and they are all naturally smaller in dimension.  According to mom, I've "filled out" . . . which is a kind word for gained weight.  If these times were the 50's perhaps I'd be a goddess, but that's another topic.  I used to be 120 some pounds for goodness sake, and now I'm like, 140.  That's also another topic.  What I'm mean to say is that I'm so excited, because it's so frustrating to have all the clothes you try on not fit quite right, no matter what size you choose.  Suddenly, I feel like I belong somewhere, and that somewhere is the cute land of petites, even if the cutoff height is 5'4" and I'm 5'6".  They can just deal with it.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 6/01/2003 09:56:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Saturday morning, 8:30AM</b>

You know, I'm almost starting to appreciate the nauseous, dizzying feeling of waking up waaaay too early and not really knowing where I am.  Almost.  It's still hard to wake up in a bed I only sleep in during breaks, and not my bed at Hiram.  And I'm really not an early morning person.  Like Dad and my sister Liz, if I wake up too early I feel simply ILL, and by ill I definitely mean nauseous--which would be worse if I was worried about morning sickness, because I'm paranoid like that and as a biologist I'm always monitoring myself for such things--silly ain't it?  Yeah, so I had to get up at 8:30 on a Saturday, to go to an estate auction over on Wind Ridge.  My first auction ever ever.

This was a trip planned by my Grandpa Garvin--hence the early wakeup time.  Mom and Grandpa G love to get up at 5AM or so (it must be the old farming family heritage or something like that).  We made the long, winding drive past Cameron, WV and into Pennsylvania.  It takes about 30 minutes.  We get there before the auction starts, so there's the opportunity to scope out the goods beforehand.  I decided I definitely wanted to participate and buy something, and the natural choice was glassware.  I'm a sucker for shiny things, and they had beautiful candy dishes made of carnival glass (carnival glass can be many different colors, but they all have an iridescent sheen like oil in a puddle).  So I found a gold-color candy dish and settled on that as my target, as well as a tin jewelry box with some neat canadian coins inside.  

As soon as the bidding began, so did the rain.  

It was cooold and Don, Mom, Grandpa G, and myself were all pretty soaked, but for all of us but grandpa this was our first auction and the caller had us pretty awestruck.  You see those television and movie auctions where they have a guy talking really fast, and you think--naaah, it can't be like that in real life!.  But it is.  It took us ten minutes at least to figure out the bidding process.  The guy would start off high and bring the bid down until someone would flip up their yellow card and nod.  Then, back up the price would go--it was so fast that it was hard to tell what the final price would be sometimes.  But then my jewelry box came up for bid, in a big flat with an inflatable mattress, paint stripper, and some coke bottles.  I bought the whole thing for 4 bucks, and was quite pleased with myself for being adventerous--at least more so that mom and Don.  Then my candydish came up for sale, in a flat with two others.  I was worried because there was one lady there who had been buying up all the glassware, and I had told Don to hold me to ten dollars.  But of course the bid flew up to 10 easily, and it was back and fourth until I won the lot with 14 dollars.  When I got the flat, it also had 3 old-fashioned pocketwarmers (which look like big, flat lighters the size of your palm) and 16 brass spoons with rosewood handles made in Thailand.  I was pretty psyched.  

Don bought a printer for 30 bucks, which also was exciting, except mom tried to take over my bidding at one point.  Darn her.  Oh well, we paid our money, hauled everything out, and went to lunch in Waynesburgh, PA at a little diner where the waitress had some of the worst english I've yet to hear.  But she has a job and I don't.  

Drove home, went to sleep till 8PM, watched a rerun of the Martha Stewart Movie, and played Zoo Tycoon.  A saturday night and there's not much going on.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/30/2003 02:23:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sleeping in</b>

Ahh, finally back to my 12 hour blissful sleep schedule.  I'd been getting up at around 8AM for 3 days in a row, which isn't really anything to complain about, just hard when you want to go out or stay up late.  I had a hard time sleeping the full 12, of course.  I'll need more practice.

Well, 3 issues surround my life at this point: get a car, get an apartment, get a job, in order of importance.  I have money saved up--a job is mainly to help me maintain sanity.  The car is the thing.  Yesterday I heard a new rumbling in the driveway, and I new soon enough it was the VW deisel Rabbit my dad had picked up recently for dad and Liz's biodiesel experiments.  I ran down and Dad let me hop in for a ride.  The White Rabbit is from the 1980's, and has many many cracks on the windshield so it hasn't passed inspection yet--we drive it on the lane only.  

Jesus fucking christ, I have never ridden in a car that could jump to high speeds like it had a warp drive.  Dad explained this is the beauty of standard transmission as opposed to automatic.  He is *slowly* teaching me to drive a standard, because frankly you can go much faster on the hilly backroads of WV in one.  And everyone says they are more fun. 

We stopped by one of our tenant's, who has a garage on our property as a mechanic.  I worry for him, because he's the only african american in all of Sherrard I think--don't ask me why this is.  He was a super nice guy, and said he'd keep an eye out at the junkyards for windshields to fit the rabbit; said he could probably find one easily for 30 bucks.  So hopefully, we'll get that windshield and pass inspection and finally a second car will be ours once again.

When we got back to the house, Mom asked me how I liked the car.  I told her I thought it was totally cool; I liked it alot.  What followed was a suspicious set of statements that I can't really remember in detail, only to say that it felt like maybe they were trying to figure out if I'd like one, maybe in a newer model.  It's wishful thinking, I'm sure of it.  Don also tells me he knows a secret but won't tell me it--I refused his information earlier because he usually likes to lie to me for entertainment.  It's wishful thinking, but damnit I really want a car.  I just want to have one now.  It could die in two years, I don't care.  BLARG

Well, better get my bottom in gear and get moving.  I'm grandpa's date for the turkey dinner at the methodist church.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/29/2003 01:20:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>It's not what you are like. . . </b>

It's WHAT you like that matters, according to the protagonist in "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornsby. Today it just hit home harder than usual.  

Today in general was quiet. . helped out with mom's preschool class.  Came home.  Watched "FAME" and liked it (I'll confess I like the trash).  Got a call from Dave K. letting me know their were plans on for later that night.  Dave was kind enough to pick me up, and we drove out to St. Clairesville to BW3's for wing night.  

We were supposed to meet Jonah, Chad, Jessica, and Lauren (all fellow highschool graduates of John Marshall HS).  So we told the lady we needed a table for 7, when only two of us were there.  So. . .we sat there alone for about 1 hour, trying to keep conversation going.  I'm not trying to play this off as unpleasant, because I was thankful to be out and talking to my own age group, and Dave K makes conversation easy by continually coming up with new topics, whereas I am a lazy conversationalist and prefer to just let people tell me what they want to.  But it made me lonely for my Hiram friends.  I like who I am around them: weird, lewd, and weird again.  But around the highschool folks, I always feel distanced and all-around reserved.  That's my fault, but it's always so suprising at first.  

The rest of the folks arrived eventually, and I found out Chad is going to do a 10 week internship in Nicoragua (sp?) with the US embassy.  He's always doing things so impressive they easily top my adventures.  I'm not jealous, just amazed to the point of laughter.  I know a guy who's been to peace talks in Northern Ireland, and somewhere in Africa, and now he's off to South America.  

It was a good evening--I ate wings for the first time and found them thoroughly delicious.  Talked with Chad, and Jessica as well (i've known here since Kindergarten).  They all decided to go to Jonah's house next, however I'm helping mom with preschoolers again, so I asked Dave K if he'd just drop me off at home.  So we drove back the 20 minute drive to my house, and on the way I got to pick out a CD to listen to.  I opened the case, flipped through it, and realized I only had only heard one band in the entire case.

Perhaps it struck me as metaphorical.  Because if what is important is NOT what we are like, but WHAT we like. . . Then Dave K and I really are very different people.  It may deserve the slight backstory that I had a crush on him from kindergarten through 3rd grade, and then from my junior year of highschool right through till college.  We dated the last summer before college, and it was a surreal and wonderful time.  And yes, I loved him dearly.  But we didn't talk a whole lot, except about upcoming college.  I never felt very comfortable around him.  I always felt like I had something to prove to him.  Where am I going with this?  

CD case. . . I enjoy hanging out with Dave K, just like I look forward to hanging out with Chris, or any other guy that I've dated, not because I want a date, but because I liked them as people already before anyone made a move.  I picked the Red Hot Chili Peppers CD.  Apparently it's a band we have in common.  But that's about it.  Eventually, I always end up missing MY Dave, becuase we have always been comfortable enough with eachother to be the goofs we really are.  It isn't anyone else's fault if we're not around someone else; it's just how we are.  

Wow, it's late and this entry isn't too cohesive.  Sorry!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/26/2003 01:30:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Will you too ride the infernal inflatable weiner?</b>

With a title like that, it has to have been a good day, right?

Well, I'm feeling alot better.  Maybe it's just the fact that I've been helping clean up collapsed ceilings and putting away my unpacked clothes, or maybe it's that I have a plan for getting my new car, or maybe it's that I actually got to hang out with people my own age this weekend.  I do know this: friends are one of the most underestimated remedies in the world.  

Today I dreamt some more strange things, which followed suit to a weird dreams on Friday night.  Friday night, after my meal of coconut pie, I dreamt that a family owned a zoo or farm, and their daughter was convinced there was some sort of chupacabra-like creature that had to be fed sacrifices of dead animals, or else it would eat her and her family.  The other workers caught her one day breaking the necks of chickens and mumbling to herself (yeah, creepy).  Her parents were concerned for her, but just to be safe, the mother left a camera on at night while they slept.  When they watched the tape, they heard a golem-like voice cackling and giggling near their bed.  Most of the rest of that dream was the twist that the creature had found them by a posting they had left on the internet (why? I don't know).  

Saturday night, I dreamt I came home and our puppy was being eaten by a big doberman, and I shot the dog but it was too late--the puppy was dead.. . . just a limp little mat of fur and blood.  Then the whole image faded to that of a big postcard, that said something like, 

<i>bow WOW
Just a little treat for you</i>

it was signed or something, but I can't remember that.  I woke up very disturbed.  

But my actual day was alot nicer.  I went to Jonah's house for that pool party, which turned out to be a giant family-friends gathering when I got there at 3PM.  Tons of good potluck food, including german potato salad complete with crumpled bacon. . . .mmm.  Well, I knew I had to leave at 5:15 for another graduation party, so of course my pal Dave K. did not show up until 5:10PM.  This is how our assocation has always been set up, as it always seems to be with the memorable people in your life.  Never enough time, if your schedules even align at all.  

Anywho, left for another party, came back to Jonah's around 8:30PM, and in the elapsed time a fair amount of drinking had occurred in my absence.  And therefore there was a problem: Dave K needed to get his swimtrunks from his house.  He needed someone to drive him.  Nobody was sober, except me.  

After much assurance from everyone, I took Dave K, in Jonah's tricked out new car, back to his house.  He was very nice and encouraging, and I only babbled worriedly for maybe 75% of the ride total.  Explaining all the things I needed to do. . . it's what I do in Jiu jitsu too--I talk myself through things, perhaps a bit too much.  But I made it there and back again, with a slightly blitzed Dave K still intact, complete with swimtrunks.  So then we all hopped into Jonah's family's heated pool, complete with two large inflatable whales, swim noodles, netted paddles and a ball, and of course a giant inflatable hotdog.  

Ahhh, the giant inflatable hotdog.  It is absolutely hilariously phallic and at one point I had to clutch the side of the pool and just laugh.  C'mon, imagine someone you once dated goes floating by, surrounded by mist from the heated pool, riding one side of a giant weiner.  It's actually a teeter-totter sort of apparatus you and a friend are supposed to climb on.  You each straddle the thing, grab on to handles on either side, and jump up and down trying to knock the other person off.  It's extremely exhausting, and usually only stops when the hotdog flips over and you both are dumped underwater.  I think, for the first time, I had the wonderous sensation of water in my lungs.  Anywho, fun evening.  Watched Space Ghost with Jonah, Jen, and Dave K.  It just wasn't the same as watching it with Sam and Dave.  I was so lucky at Hiram to have found people who comfortably matched my sense of humor.

In general, things are good.  And now I'm off to sleep, hopefully with nice dreams.  Tomorrow is another graduation party, and in general another day.  Hugs!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/25/2003 03:49:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>well, once again blogger ate my entry.  SCREW YOU BLOGGER!

Anyway, long story short (because I'm sleepy):

I got totally fed up, to the breaking point, and mom sensed it using her razor sharp mom-telepathy.  She laid out exactly what I had to do to get a car--told me it was easy and I could do it.  Then I took the van for a drive with mom, and did much better--I remember alot more than I thought I would.  I relish driving something other than the hulking van that stretches across the road that is already too narrow and bordered often by cliffsides.  I feel better, if only because I've got a plan and I know I can drive decently.  

Went out this evening with Jonah, Jonah's friend Jen, Dave K., and Meghan.  We stopped at Neha's house and chatted for awhile--which was excellent because Neha is leaving to visit family in India for a month, starting tomorrow.  It was definitely good to see her.  The we went to Eat'n Park for P-I-E.  I had coconut cream pie and it was delicious.  Then we wandered around Walmart, because there isnt' anything else to do at 2AM.  We ended up pretending to pick out ladies underwear for Dave & Jonah, which was a first for our Walmart outings--and definitely worth it.  

Came home, wrote this entry, and I'm wondering whether or not I should skip out on the graduation party mom has lined up and go to Jonah's house for swimming and good lounging.  I'm not relishing the idea of putting on a swimsuit, considering any muscles I gained during my 3-week in Jiu Jitsu have long since languished, and pretty much every other girl in the highschool group looks much better--or at least lest pasty-white in a swimsuit.  This part of the summer is never kind to me.  Oh well, my personal Dave thinks I'm cute, and that makes all the difference.  I wish he was here :(<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/23/2003 12:24:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Being a band geek is cool, but being jobless maybe isn't</b>

So I just watched "Drumline."  You know, the movie where they "attempt to make marching band look cool" according to several unamed sources :)  Well, I will admit that I enjoyed it, and also that it didn't make it look ubercool.  It showed the summer marching band training is hard, and frankly sucks.  But a good drum cadence will make you feel cool, even if the cheerleaders and the football players still don't register you on their radar.  I'd recommend it to ANYONE who was a former band-geek (and I know that there are many of you out there).  Take heed, my brothers and sisters, we finally have a movie just about band.  I'm not sure it's a good thing or a bad thing.

Well, I'm a bit bummed.  Haven't heard from anyone my age in the Ohio Valley, except a friend from Junior High who now has a beautiful baby girl.  I've spent days at home, waking up late and doing dishes for fun.  The good news WAS that my Dad heard about an opening for a resident assistant at WV's Governor's School of Math and Science.  He taught their last year, and earned a cool 5,000 for less than a month's work.  So while he was on the phone with the director, he sang my praises and I am told the guy seemed impressed--last year they tried to get all science major RA's but ended up just taking anyone.  

Mom tells me "it sounded like he wanted to give you the job, but at the last minute decided you should do a little paperwork."

So I filled out the application, e-mailed it to the director, with the hopes that by the end of the week I'd hear something.  Because according to Mom, last year the committee pretty much finalized everything in the course of one week.  And according to Dad, there's an opening because an R.A. backed out, and the alternate backed out.  

I'm just frustrated, with everything.  Grandpa goes out and looks for cars without me, great.  Now I can't located him to ask if he wants to go again.  Mom and Dad are at work every day.  My favorite forms of entertainment are now washing dishes.  I want a job, but can't look for one without a car.  Also, I can't honestly tell employers I can work for the entire summer when in fact I might be gone all of july.  Everyone tells me just to lie to them, but I hate the idea.  

Mom volunteered me to write a report for one of her student's grandparents.  She also volunteered me and Don to help out with the collapsed roof in one of our tenant's houses.  This is great, sure, it's nice of mom to try to find me work.  I appreciate it on one level, but on another I don't want these little inconsistent jobs around the house.  I want to get out of the house.  

I want to get out of the house.  But to do so, I need a car.  I have no car.  Can't locate Grandpa to help me in this endeavor, and moreover I really just want a car.  I don't want something slick or amazing or a fantastic buy.  I'd be happy to take our VW Diesel Rabbit from the 80's around, but I can't "Until we put in the new windshield which will be coming in any day now." 

I'm just getting claustrophobic.  Mom and Dad aren't really in the mood to get me out of the house, I get the impression.  Dad is very excited about the RA thing, and how "good it will look on a resume."  Which is true.  And I'd like the job, especially if it pays half of what it pays dad.

But when are they going to let me know?  What am I supposed to do for an entire month?  I could still try to help out with 4-H camp maybe, or put in that application at Walden's book store and pray.  I just can't get anything done, because I don't know exactly what to do, and nobody seems all that interested in helping.  The answer to which, of course, is do it yourself.  

This sucks.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/19/2003 10:30:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Here's to you, Martha Stewart</b>

Weeeell, just finished my first weekday home in Wheeling.  Can I confess already I want to hit my head on something repeatedly?  See, life at my house is very surreal--we live secluded by beautiful, peaceful forests.  The weather is sunny and soft.  I have a puppy to play with.  The closest convenient store is a 3 mile walk. . . the internet is slow.  My mom yells for me to come upstairs in a voice that sounds like someone is stuck under a tractor.  I get up there only to find she wants to show me how the puppy will chase a tennis ball while keeping the other tennis ball in her mouth.  Dear Lord, help me.  

So of course, I need to go find a job--something rather new for me, since I've always been an internship gal.  I'm thinking of trying to get a job at Zien's waitressing, because my friend Jenna recommended it, and offered to be a reference for me.  I'm of course gnawing my nails because I have absolutely no waitressing experience.  I'll drop things, forget things, I'm sure of it!  But it also sounds nice.  Zien's is a local family place . . it could be fun.  And I can't spend every day of my summer in this house waiting for mom to come up with chores for me.  

Oh well, so I watched the made-for-TV movie about Martha Stewart tonight.  I'm admittedly a Martha Stewart Fan.  I know she's likely psycho and would never want to meet her in person.  I know that what she sells is impossible perfection in the domestic arts.  But I am in awe of what she does.  And this movie was certainly pretty awe-inspiring.  They captured the neurotic family with the dad who was never quite satisfied with what Martha accomplished.  Martha treads the fine line between wanting to achieve what any businessman would feel no guilt about achieving, but under the guise that she is a good mother and wife--when she really is just a businessperson at heart.  All and all, I admired the whole portrayal of the domestic goddess herself, because you admired her just as much a you were uneasy with her.  End of rant.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/18/2003 11:31:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> I've done gradumated! </b>

Just in case you were worried, be assured there is a tremendously long entry waiting about leaving Hiram.  Though I doubt anyone was worried.  But still, don't worry.  Ok?

Well, I could fit all of graduation day into one paragraph, but for clarity's sake I'll put the sentences in several:

Was late for my induction into Phi Beta Kappa, and ran into Dave's grandparents--who did not recognize me at first--in the lounge.  They were looking for Dave, and so I took them to him (he wasn't wearing any pants when he answered the door, so that was good times.  Then I ran to the Kennedy Center for a crappy breakfast. . .who ever thought 8:45 the morning of graduation would be a good idea?  Anyway, I got inducted into Phi Beta Kappa, and signed my name in their book--I didn't sign in blood so i think my soul will be ok.  Actually the ink matched my teal blue sweater.  Then I found my parents, and sent they to Hayden while I changed to better underpinnings and added my engagement ring.  Then back to Hayden for the Baccalaureate.  

Slingerland tells us that basically we cannot anticipate what lies ahead.  That's pretty much the case.

Then we crowded into the KC 2nd floor for a reception, Prudy gave my parents a present, and we all feasted on cheese and fruits and such.  Then I ran back to my room, for I had to grab my robe and silly graduation hat, and get down to the Field House in under 10 minutes--fortunately most things in Hiram are never more than five minutes away from anywhere else.  Lined up at the Field house, in alphabetical order.  That took about 15 minutes, while we then had to wait for 45 minutes for the actual ceremony.  Then we processed out to huuuuge crowd--got some cheers from Dave's family, although I couldn't see mine at first.  

Eventually, we were all seated & baking well in our black nylon gowns.  The ceremony went on for a looong time, but I enjoyed our commencement speaker.  Most everyone else did not, and looked at me funny when I laughed at his jokes.  That was rather dissapointing, to enjoy the speaker that apparently everyone else was either tired, offended, or confused by.  So he's gay?  So he said "bitchy"? So what?  Oh well.  

So quickly, I was standing on the ramp, waiting for my name to be called.  That is what I remember: my hand was on the wooden railing and the guide was telling me to stand right there--it reminded me of waiting in line for a ride on a rollercoaster. ..stand behind the line and wait for your turn.  And then all of a sudden I was walking off the stage with a diploma in my hand.  I don't remember anything in between very well.  And that was it, I was graduated.  

We walked through the gauntlet of professors in their garb, on either side of our procession, clapping and cheering.  It's funny, for everyone else it seems like such a cheerable thing. But I just wanted to be somewhere quiet.  I'm proud of myself for making it, complete with a summa cum laude and departmental honors--all that worrying and overachieving counted for something.  But really, I wasn't amazed that I was graduating.  I knew I could do that.  I knew I would.  What inspired awe from me was the end of Hiram in my life.  But that is fodder for another entry.

I found Dave, and said goodbye to one or two people--who probably deserved hugs but I gave handshakes instead, hugs are funny things.  I couldn't find my folks, so I stayed for pictures with Dave and his family.  At one point, I slipped and said I needed to go find "my other parents" which was one of those nice slip-ups (as opposed to the Freudian ones, for example).  Eventually found my family, and cleared out my room.  It was very nice to have full grown siblings and and strapping young fiancee to clear stuff out.  I didn't carry anything but my backpack to the car--that was a first.  Both families decided we'd go to Rockne's for dinner, which was good, because I was dead-set on a cheeseburger after a long day.  

Dinner was a great end to a gigantic day.  I had a bacon cheeseburger (two patties, I found out) and onion rings. . .ahhh.  Everyone looked tired.  But the biggest reward was finally getting our two families together for dinner.  They not only seemed to get along but also talked comfortably with one another.  The two little sisters, Liz and Jill Marie, at first looked unhappy to be seated next to eachother, but then I found them later in the bathroom giggling with one another.  They stayed there for ten minutes I think.  You can never tell how teenage girls will get along, but they seemed to be having a fine time.  

As we left Rockne's, hugs were given all around, and it was happiness--except for giving Dave up for most of the summer.  That was better not to think about.  The thing is, we left like one big family, instead of two.  Ok, so it's really only Dave and I that are getting tied up together in the matrimony thing . .. . but I also fell in love with Dave's family the first time I met them.  I wanted to be a part of that family as well as a part of Dave's life.  And it was a relief to see that the families liked one another.  

We got home around 11PM, and I was passed out despite my lack of a pillow.  Little Mocha, our puppy, was bigger, but not by much.  I slept for 14 hours.  The end?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/14/2003 01:23:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Creative Non-fiction Graveyard</b>

Tuesday was a day of last classes.  last class at Hiram ever.  last jiu jitsu class too.  But heck, they turned the fountain on!  We had our graduation info session today, which consisted of a chalkboard and the general strategy of leading 240+ students through the ceremenony.  It was odd, because it made me think about graduation practice for HIGHSCHOOL graduation, and how far away and close that seemed all at the same time.  Life is going too fast, and I'm racking up many friends in the category of "I need another year to get to know you better, and I'm not going to get it."

I should do a little back tracking and say that Monday was the worst weather ever for our AIBS spring picnic.  Everyone showed up dressed for December--Prudy was in bright yellow galoshes and I think some of the faculty children were in snowsuits.  But we had a big turnout and all of us just huddled around the grills and chatted, waiting for the awards to be handed out.  Biology department gives out some sweet awards (think $200 if you're lucky), so maybe that's why so many people were there.  For awhile I was sad, because really nobody was talking to me.  It's mainly because I don't hang out with biology majors; I hang out with the people in my dorm.  If I lived in Bowler I'd be in luck--a ton of bio majors live there.  But anyway, after the rewards I sidled up to Lisa and Luke and chatted with them for awhile, and was much happier.  I also found out one of my Invert classmates is thinking of going on the Malaysia trip next year, so I got to give advice.  

In contrast, tuesday was the CS/Math department picnic.  Admittedly I missed out on WHRM dinner for Thai food, but I had to make a choice between Thai food, and picnic fare with Dave and then getting to go to Jiu Jitsu.  I'm very happy with my choice.  Sam joined us for the dinner, which was excellent because I've found it's sometimes advisable to bring another non-cs-major for support in these events. . . someone to talk to when thing's get to computery.  

Kudos to Sam for saying a couple choice things that were both blatantly offensive and at the same time, just plain Sam humor.  He can say the things that people have on their mind--things we wouldn't DARE say--and we just laugh and enjoy the honesty.  I had a great time at the picnic, overall, although I saw and heard one or two questionable things.  But frankly, I am caring less about thing intrigues of Hiram--after Saturday, they are someone else's problem.  

Went to Jiu Jitsu, and got too excited during Kumite with Gail during her greenbelt test and landed a beautiful roundhouse kick straight on her jaw.  She's about my height so I found that awesome, after I apologized about a million times.  She's fine, and actually hoping for a bruise to show off.  These kids!  

Well, on the walk back to Henry from Jiu Jitsu, I chatted with Gail and Alisha for awhile, and I somehow got reminded of two writing ideas that I had thought up but never used, and actually after being at the CS picnic I thought of one more.  One more idea to toss in the "Creative non-fiction graveyard."  They are all ideas that sounded good to me, but on harder thought just wouldn't get across to anyone who isn't me.  

1.  An ode to geeky guys.  C'mon, is there really a need for this?  Maybe.  I love these guys and I would happily sing their praises.  Such a beautiful culture, geek culture is.  I'm glad to be a part of it.  But an entire ode to what makes geeky guys great?  Maybe not. 

2.  Similarly, a poem describing how incredibly sexy I think it is when guys talk shop about something technical.  I think I finally solved the mystery of why biology majors can love CS majors--we both talk technical.  But I don't know if the world needs any more poems.

3.  Finally, and perhaps more seriously: I always wanted to write a play or a comic book to capture last year.  It still ghosts me a little--doesn't everyone have something that itches under their skin once and awhile?  Sometimes I want to capture all that confusion, depression, lust, and anger that was Spring 2002.  I mean, there are great characters, plot twists a-go-go. . . I already have a soundtrack setup.  And today I was reminded also of how I would love to show an audience just how un-real things could get.  Like going to taco bell in a car with the other woman, and the other woman of the other woman, and just not saying anything because you wanted to pretend it was alright and nothing had happened.  I mean, wasn't that perhaps beyond polite and on to a little unhealthy?  

I just remembered that feeling of unease today, and I still have to wonder why some people act like things never happened, not just in the polite sense of "we'll get along in public, ok?" but to the point where you invite them over to socialize.  I can respect kindness for the sake of getting along from day to day.  In fact, sometimes I still want to be friends--somtimes it's nice to put it aside.  But I get this sense of dizzying unreality sometimes, like maybe nothing bad happened last year.  I don't like it.  

But anyway, try making that into an interesting play.  I don't think I can, because it's my story and I of course think it's interesting--such is the leo way.  So off it goes to the graveyard, where I can visit it if I like, but sometimes, it's a topic that's just dead to me.  

time for bed!  Tomorrow is the final and perhaps beer and pizza with Dave and Justin!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/12/2003 08:27:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The last Hiram Monday EVER</b>

Can you believe that?  I can't.  I also can't believe I just got 2 hours of sleep, woke up at 4AM and finished my 4-8 page paper for Quantum Realities, outlined the chapters I'm helping lead discussion on today, read the two scientific papers and outlined them too, and even had time to go to the corner store and buy a hotpocket and a giant irish creme cappacino, all in the span of 5 hours.  I'm so caffienated my jaw is clenched shut I think.  

Yeah, this is the last week.  They've turned the fountain back on, and the weather is of course horrible.  It's supposed to get better, but we're supposed to have our AIBS picnic tonight and it's not going to be picnic-like.  I find that sad.  Hell, it's all rather sad.  If I don't go to Jiu Jitsu on tuesday, I will already have had my last ass-kicking class at Hiram ever too.  No more lewd comments that make me laugh, no more getting stabbed in the breast by Brie, no more wicked attack sound effects, no more watching Jason get beaten up on a daily basis, no more flipping and falling around like a nut.  But then again, no more breaking toes either, hopefully.

Dave came back finally late last night.  It sounds like he had a fantabulous time, but I figure he can tell you all about it if you wanna know.  It was his adventure!

Ok, off to talk with Vanessa about leading discussion for today's class--if I don't explode from caffeine before then!

<img src="http://www.explodingdog.com/january2/spacetothink.html"><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/10/2003 03:27:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>There's a joke in here somewhere. . .</b>

<img src="http://members.aol.com/headie/images/JonahNHeidi.jpg">

I'm a sucker for a cute picture.  This is Heather's new kitten, Heidi, in the arms of the ever-lovable Jonah.  Was there ever a kitten that wasn't cute?  

I had another one of those dreams last night where Hiram is much bigger and the dorms are constructed of old mansions.  In my dream I let a girl do something questionable to me during a party--one of those one-time deals and nothing more was to come of it,  and then the next day ResLife INSISTED we have a meeting to discuss tolerance of homosexual activity for my sake.  So I told off ResLife and started walking down the road with my adivsor Prudy, for some reason, and man I just never looked back.  Thanks again brain.  I also dreamt that it was thundering so loud that I woke up--and actually I did wake up, at 6AM on a saturday!!???  Not that natural phenomena ever stopped me from getting back to sleep. . . 

I have money now!  Justin took me to the bank this morning so that I could cash my Loyola reimbursement check, and we went to Miller's Family Restraunt for brunch---DELICIOUS OMELETTES.  He gave me some good advice on car shopping, and I admittedly like his Toyota Echo too.  I need a car.  Oh well, came back to Hiram and I even did my reading today for Quantum Realities, as well as laying out my 4-8 page paper.  I also attempted to plan a trip to look at apartments in Madison.  I'd love to make a little road trip out of it, and take my brother Don, age 20, along for the ride.  But probably practicality will ruin it all.  It always seems to!

Dave comes home tomorrow!!!YAYA!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/09/2003 10:43:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>When left to their own devices. . .</b>

Well, I learned something about myself tonight.  I already knew that getting attention and approval are one of my main drives in life.  And this leads to jealousy.  Always the jealousy.  Inescapable.  If a girl does something better than I do, or is prettier than I am, or get's praised for being smarter or any other -er, my chances of liking them are smaller.  That is, unless I already adore them.

Take Alice for instance.  Defintely a better horn player, definitely better at attracting the attentions and followings of guys.  Technically by my code of girl-relationship ethics, I should be waaay too threatened.  But I love my Alice.  

Tonight I was reminded about this loophole in the jealously clause, at Jiu Jitsu.  My long-lost freshman-year friend Emily has taken up the class.  Emily is somewhat known for being a heartbreaker, or at least for dating several guys on campus I know for shortish periods of time.  She's enthusiastic beyond my abilities, blonde, taller, and MUCH stronger.  She walks into class and we're having great fun.  But now SHE is the delightful chick who's getting lots of help and attention.  Admittedly, she's new and needs help and attention, but of course I'm insecure and get a little tweaked about it.  But then I remembered how happy I was to have her in the class, and how much fun it is to see her again, and it just melted.  Hugs to Emily.  

I'm just so bad at being consistent.  Like, I typically go through phases with girls where I deeply hate them, and then suddenly the next week and forever onward they are my best friend.  I have issues.  But who doesn't?  

LATE ADDITION:  I just walked back to Henry, and a girl with long, blackish  brown hair was sitting at the smoker's bench, puffing away on either cloves or Swisher's Sweets. . . .I thought it was Allison for a second.  Allison used to sit right there.  But she doesn't anymore.  . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/07/2003 07:07:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Quiet?  Quiet.</b>

After talking out options for a short story with Sam last night, my brain was humming with story ideas and I decided to do some writing myself.  It wasn't anything interesting, just placing myself in a given situation and trying to write myself out of it.  It made me feel alot better, and I also found that I can perhaps focus my dreams by writing on a topic right before I go to sleep--which would be nice.  I slept in till 10AM, took a shower, and cleaned up the room while I waited for Sam to get back from class.

When I went to sleep at around 2AM the night before, Sam still had not decided on a topic for his short story.  When I at last ran into him for lunch, he had turned in a 13-page work of fiction titled "Call it Destiny"

"It's not as gay as it sounds" he had assured his classmate John.

If you can imagine combining Pulp Fiction and From Dusk Till Dawn . .  .you would have Sam's story, which follows a private investigator who is. . .supernatural, and hunting out answers in an undead world of crime.  If you get the chance, I'd say read it, not just because he's my friend, but because it's fast-paced and enjoyable.  

My afternoon?  Well, still no refund check from Loyola, who had told me around April 28th that I'd be receiving that check "any day now."  Grrrrr.  I need that money.  So I shifted some money that was extra from my payment to Hiram over to the book voucher account.  So at least I'll have some accesible cash, in the book store.  But at least I finally worked up the nerve to just go ask the business office to do that.  I'm a wuss sometimes.  Then I fiddled around at WHRM for the afternoon, doing some more apartment searching, which is still frustrating because I can't arrange viewings until I know what my transportation status is, and it will be a 10 hour drive, or a 150 dollar airplane ride each way.  It's times like these I am relatively glad my grad school isn't on the west coast--the logistics would be a nightmare.  

Dear lord do I miss Dave.  I don't have anything to do here (not complaining), so there's not much distracting me from pining for him.  And Sam misses Barrie, so our combined mood isn't anywhere near cheery.  And then there's graduation.

I took a walk around campus to make notes on what pictures I need to take before I leave.  If I get time I'll make an album when I'm home, to give me some closure.  If I think about leaving too much, I get panicky.  It's all happening too fast.  And it's so beautiful here right now. . .if it were winter I'd be happy to leave.  I'm wrestling with how to say goodbye, but it's kindof like when Dave and I thought we were absolutely done with one another.  I had to come to grips with the fact that things were changing, that I couldn't stay in the life I liked whether I wanted to or not.  It's good that I don't have a choice of whether or not I leave Hiram.  I mean I do, but I wouldn't want to take it.  I am ready to leave, but I'm sad to go.  

I can see things are going to be a bit nostalgic and emotional from here on out. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/06/2003 09:15:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>haiku: the poetry of uncreative and/or lazy people?</b>

TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE

Jiu Jistu Haiku I

<i>Man, I just don't know
Something about violence
That makes me happy
</i>
Jiu Jitsu Haiku II

<i>I love my dear guys
And try not to hit their knees 
Or make them sterile</i>

I'm happily watching part II of The Second Renaissance at <a href="http://www.intothematrix.com">The Animatrix</a>.  Also very cool, though maybe not as disturbing as part one.  

I miss Dave, like about a million times over.  What a *great* summer this is going to be, let me tell you.  But I just have to keep in mind that after it's all over, we will have long amounts of time to hang out together.  

I did alot of bitching after the floor meeting last night, and all of today I felt guilty about it.  I wish I was better about being mean.  I also need to learn that secrets aren't secrets if you tell other people, and I think I was a bit more of a blabbermouth than was advisable.  *sigh* what can you do?  I just felt bad, because I've been turning over the issue of the lounge in my head for months now, and I'm beginning to think that we'll never see a old-school lounge rebirth, because there isn't much time for it.  Really, the new kids don't mind if you come and sit down there, as far as I can tell.  It's just that none of us go down there, whether it be because we miss our friends who have graduated, or because maybe these kids aren't our cup of tea, or because we're busy. . .. whatever the case may be, I'm starting to just lose hope.  Henry is the summer residence dorm, so nobody is really moving out, and we can't have an "all senior" lounge during senior week.  That was really all I was hoping for.  


<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/05/2003 03:30:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>So much to cover! So little time!</b>

Well, yesterday I was cranky/insecure/asleep so I didn't do a very good job of entry-ing.  So let's see: 

Because Sam works at the movie theatre, I got to go see X-men 2 for free with my best pal on Friday.  It was in fact a really great movie--I had low expectations because Sam is an avid comic book fan and felt they were going to shit on all the characters, in a sense.  I don't know if they did, but I still enjoyed it totally.  It was much bigger budget, which meant it lasted longer and we got to see more mutants.  I just love the idea of a mutant academy. . .can't get enough of the idea of school with superpowers adn I'll be the first to admit it.  And they didn't wuss out on violence either. . . Wolverine was just as stabby as he should be.  And Cyclops was just dorky enough but still cool, and then horribly boy-scoutish all over again, which I enjoy--so cute but so inane!  Jean Grey had a weird short, flippy haircut, but I got over it, and Magneto and Mystique made fun of Rogue's hairdo, which was well-deserved ;)

After the movie Dave was working his little bottom off, so Sam and I wandered over to Martin Commons where the springfest folks had left all the sports equipment.  So Sam and I played volleyball and frisbee for a good long time, and laughed alot.  Trying hard not to dwell on how much I'm going to miss my cohort in evil.  

Saturday was so lovely and leisurely. . .I didn't do any work, just wandered around and showered and loafed.  Spent a happy evening with Dave, who actually asked to watch more of my first season of Buffy!  Whether he's just trying to get used to the show, or actually enjoys it . . . who knows, but it makes me happy!  

I'm still amazed at how many levels of hell I apparently am lined up for.  Hmmmm

Well, Dave is now currently on his trip to Silicon Valley.  He didn't really seem to want to go, but I hope he has a good time.  I'm still envious because it's CALIFORNIA. . . my state of birth.  And the food will be so fresh and delicious, the weather dreamy. . . and he's going to see San Francisco before I do.  BAH! 

Class is. .. not all that thrilling, but only because we're wading through some physics stuff.  I wrote a 4 page paper in an hour.  How awesome is that?


I know I'm getting old and cranky: apparently the neoloungites think they are "so friendly and open and the most sociable group in Henry"

Oh you silly people!  Seriously, you really shouldn't get so warm and fuzzy superior just because you socialize with everyone in your group.  People aren't socializing with you because they don't typically want to. There are about five million of you and the majority of you are immature.  We're hermits because we don't want to hang out in the lounge with you.  "Our loss" you can say, and I don't care.  I'm allowed to be cranky this year, and I'm itching for a fight, even if I broke my toe in Jiu jitsu. . . it's an amazing array of colors spreading up from my baby toe, and I take some odd pleasure in that.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/04/2003 04:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I guess you should watch out?</b>

Man, I'm starting to think that partaking of alchohol on this campus DOES make me rather cranky.  I had disturbing dreams last night--after drinking a little--about being on a commercial whaling vessel out in the ocean.  

I was a little boy with a green stone in one pocket.  There were all these dying sharks and whales on the deck, and the fishermen pushed me out with them into the ocean, and then they came through with a whirling blade on a second ship, passing back and forth to cut us to pieces.  Every time the blade came by, I would dive deep into the water. . . it was nice down there, quiet and safe.  I'd stay there, and then come back up and wait to dodge the next run-through.  But eventually they got smarter, and went more slowly so that I had to stay underwater longer.  Somehow, I swam around the boat and got back on deck, and I was safe.  

I slept all afternoon.  Dave seems worried about me, probably because I just feel weird and am likely acting weird.  My moods, bleh.  I'm ok though, just needed some extra rest.  Now I'm still cranky, but *here*.  And Jiu Jitsu should be fun, because Gail is testing for her green belt!  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 5/03/2003 12:19:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to <i>the Second Level of Hell!</i></b><br>Here is how you matched up against all the levels:<br><table cellspacing="1" style="margin: 5px; background-color: #000000; border: none; font: 10pt arial, verdana, 'sans serif';"><tr style="font: bold 12pt arial, verdana, 'sans serif'; text-align: center; color: #ffffff; background-color: #333333;"><th><b>Level</b></th><th><b>Score</b></th></tr><tr style="background-color: #220033; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#0" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Purgatory</a></b> (Repenting Believers)</td><td style="color: #3344bb; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>Very Low</b></td></tr><tr style="background-color: #110022; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#1" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Level 1 - Limbo</a></b> (Virtuous Non-Believers)</td><td style="color: #3344bb; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>Very Low</b></td></tr><tr style="background-color: #220011; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#2" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Level 2</a></b> (Lustful)</td><td style="color: #c40033; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>Very High</b></td></tr><tr style="background-color: #330011; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#3" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Level 3</a></b> (Gluttonous)</td><td style="color: #ff1133; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>High</b></td></tr><tr style="background-color: #440011; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#4" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Level 4</a></b> (Prodigal and Avaricious)</td><td style="color: #ff1133; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>High</b></td></tr><tr style="background-color: #550011; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#5" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Level 5</a></b> (Wrathful and Gloomy)</td><td style="color: #ff1133; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>High</b></td></tr><tr style="background-color: #660011; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#6" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Level 6 - The City of Dis</a></b> (Heretics)</td><td style="color: #aa33aa; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>Moderate</b></td></tr><tr style="background-color: #770011; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#7" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Level 7</a></b> (Violent)</td><td style="color: #ff1133; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>High</b></td></tr><tr style="background-color: #880011; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#8" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Level 8- the Malebolge</a></b> (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)</td><td style="color: #c40033; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>Very High</b></td></tr><tr style="background-color: #990011; color: #eeeeee;"><td style="padding: 4px;"><b><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html#9" style="color: #ff3344; text-decoration: underline;">Level 9 - Cocytus</a></b> (Treacherous)</td><td style="color: #ff1133; background-color: #333333; padding: 4px;"><b>High</b></td></tr></table><br><b>Take the <a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv">Dante's Inferno Hell Test</a></b>
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/30/2003 11:43:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Mortal Kombat</b>

Yeah, remember in old-school sega Mortal Kombat how you had to fight a mirror image of yourself occasionally?  I've just been thinking about that today (wednesday) because I've just felt like kicking the crap out of something all day.  I'm hoping/guessing everyone has a day like this occasionally where, for no real reason, they just feel pissy.  Maybe it's getting back into Jiu Jitsu that's doing it, although for some reason I've forgotten how to throw people correctly--my left hip is never close enough to the left hip of the person I'm throwing, and I forgot to throw them off balance with a bump. 

Some of the fist clenching is hormones, some of it's Jiu Jitsu, some of it's just boredom, and some of it is just processing old emotions as I wear them out raw and thin.  I've got. . . reflexes, you know?  I hear a name, or read a sentence some where, and I just go into defensive mode.  And then I have to snap myself out of it.  Seriously.  I'm not worried, just interested in the process that is my life & emotions.

Went to dinner with Justin, Sean, Maureen, and Dave at Pizza Hut, and drank 3 glasses of beer which was extremely pleasant without being over-indulgent.  And I totally dig Sean's car.  It should be fun when senior week comes around and we have Henry to ourselves.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/30/2003 02:20:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I'm one of those people. . . </b>

We all have weaknesses: a damsel in distress, procrastination . . . mine, well, mine are many.  I will rarely deny myself a delicious meal, even if it's unhealthy or expensive.  When guys speak french or play guitars I just <i>melt</i> (Dave can do both, so I'm helpless).  If there is a clothing sale of any kind, I'll easily plunk down over a hundred dollars for clothes I don't technically need.  And of course, I'm a sucker for a good set of song lyrics: 

<i>Why do I fall for the dangerous ones--the ones that 
Never learned to let go
And why do I lie to myself and pretend that I can break her
When she's already been so beautifully broken

She's so beautifully broken--shaped by the wind
Dangerously twisted--Here I go again
Here I go again</i>
--Gov't Mule, "Beautifuly Broken"

I like this song because it reminds me of Sam.  IN THE PAST, he's been in relationships with one or two unstable women, and I always wondered why.  Maybe it's fascinating. . .I can't claim to know because I'm not Sam.  All I could ever do was hope things would turn out right.  And it's looking pretty damn good for Sam these days, so I'll  just enjoy the song :)

Almost nothing at all is going on in the Sam-Dave-Amber region of Henry.  We just chill, take turns on the X-box, and bitch about the lounge occasionally.  Less than before, but what else do we have to do?  I miss my Alice and Sprite and the rest of Lounge Crew 2002 sometimes, but I'm happy for the calmness too--it's so beautiful, and I'm not working even a quarter as hard.  I got a C in physics, but everything else is A's.  Now my only real problem is trying to find a job back at home for the summer while I'm not even in the same state.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/28/2003 07:32:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>hmm,bored, but really that's a good thing</b>

It's monday and what do I have to do?  Practically nothing!  Well, I could be working on my RIFTS character, but that's about it.  Freaking sweet, but also rather unmoving.  I always have a little trouble easing back into doing very little.  But I've got the whole internet, my imagination, and a quarter of a 2-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi!  I'm also supposed to be getting reimbursed soon for the 115 dollars I plunked out for my visit to Loyola "very soon, it's in the mail" I'm told.  

So here's some quizzes, all under the general theme of "vices and debauchery". .. enjoy!  Although please be aware that some of these are of an explicit nature, so be forewarned.  But all of these are fun to take.    

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/C/CokeandCandy/1047943808_Picture002.jpg" border="0" alt="Cocaine"><br>Cocaine.
You like to talk,
you like to run,
but most of all you like to have fun.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/CokeandCandy/quizzes/Which%20drug%20should%20you%20be%20hooked%20on%3F%20%5Bnow%20with%20pictures%5D/"> <font size="-1">Which drug should you be hooked on? [now with pictures]</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>

Shirley Temple-- you're cute around people but<br>naughty when you get away from the crowd
<br><br><font size="-1"><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/timelessangel1130/quizzes/%20What's%20your%20stripper%20name%3F%20(female)/"> What's your stripper name? (female)</a></font><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/V/vizz/1035406223_CWINDOWSDesktoprpg.jpg" border="0" alt="NINJA"><br>You have been involved in a shameful online RPG,<br>and your soul will never be clean. You've<br>soiled the memory of a dead author and<br>neglected yourself and other human beings for<br>months at a time; there is no way to make up<br>for this. The Lord has turned His eyes from you<br>forever!<br><br>Keep back, you utter trash!
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/vizz/quizzes/Why%20Will%20You%20Go%20To%20Hell%3F/"> <font size="-1">Why Will You Go To Hell?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/1033479244_topamateur.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br>Amateur movie! You might not be too experienced in<br>the way of sex...but chances are, you do enjoy<br>it (or the thought of it). We'll probably see<br>you in some home video that surfaces on the<br>internet one day.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/markelle/quizzes/What%20kind%20of%20porno%20would%20you%20star%20in%3F/"> <font size="-1">What kind of porno would you star in?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>

BOOOBS!!!!



<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/A/animeotaku/1045539210_PPEALRcopy.jpg" border="0" alt="sex appeal"><br>SEX APPEAL
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/animeotaku/quizzes/(results%20contain%20pictures)%20What%20kind%20of%20ANIME%20BOOBS%20do%20you%20have%3F/"> <font size="-1">(results contain pictures) What kind of ANIME BOOBS do you have?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/26/2003 07:08:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Mmmmmmm, satisfaction. . . . </b>

I just finished a dove chocolate easter truffle (part of my easter basket) and it was sooooo heavenly--some chocolate just doesn't do it for me, but Dove chocolate is good.  There is much to be said for the satiation that comes with eating food.  I really do love it so.  Today at lunch, I found myself dreaming of sashimi, and I thought "holy shit amber, your fantasizing about food with a longing so strong it would border on sensual."  Seriously, I love raw tuna.  So soft. . .so delicious. . . .ack!!!!! stop!!!

Well, 2 classes down, 10 more to go yes?  Quantum Realities is looking like fun--I wake up at 8, and do my reading and question from 9-noon.  Go to lunch.  Go to class at 1PM and talk about how none of us really get quantum reality, and then the professor says "yeah, nobody does" and 3 hours later I am done for the day.  Of course now I'm going to sleep at midnight like a senior citizen ;)

Excitement for the week?  I'm going to play a cyberdoc in a RIFTS campaign my friend Ben is running--my character can give you freaking cybernetic implants!  In other news, someoene left a mysterious message "Kathleen, I love you dear" or something like that on the door, and Kat and I had a good time trying to figure out who would call her Kathleen?  I'm making regular progress in Jet Set Radio Future, which is also good.  I need to get my ass in gear with Senior stuff I think though. . .bah.

I went back to Jiu Jitsu on Friday--I didn't go for most of the 12-week--and had a really enjoyable time, although today I had to wake up early for a self-defense class Sensei was holding, and I'm aching still from the pushups and crunches of Friday.  But heck, I need the excersize.  The self defense class was attended by a hoarde of 30-40 somethings women, who were ready to kick ass.  They had a wonderful time, and it affirms to me that women really do have alot of aggression--as much as men I'd wager--and it's so fun for them to finally let it out in a physical way.  Jason was nice enough to let me kick the pads for awhile, which is my totally favorite excersize.  I mean, you can kick as hard as you want, and you get this satisfying THWOOMP!! from the pad when you connect that kick.  I get to imagine someone I dislike and just wail on that thing until I'm tired.  Ahhhh.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/23/2003 12:45:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Back, and procrastinating like MAD</b>

<table cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="350" style="background-image: url(http://www.phyde.plus.com/matrix_paper.png); border-style: double; border-color: black; border-width: 3px; background-color: transparent; border: black double 3px;"><tr><td style="text-align: center !important; font-family: courier new, courier, monospace !important ; font-size: 15px !important ; color: black ; background-color: transparent !important; font-weight: bold !important; padding-left: 40px !important; padding-right: 30px !important;">I scored<br /><span style="font-size: 30px;">55&frac34;%</span><br />on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!</td></tr><tr><td style="text-align: center !important; font-family: courier new, courier, monospace !important; font-size: 15px !important; color: black !important; background-color: transparent !important; font-weight: bold !important;  padding-left: 40px !important; padding-right: 30px !important;"><a href="http://www.phyde.plus.com/purity400.html" target="_new" style="text-decoration: none !important; color: navy !important;">Take the test here!</a></td></tr></table>

Hmmm, I thought I would've done so much better!  But I think maybe I haven't taken enough drugs, or had sex in enough public places or something.  Oh well.  

Didn't get much of anything done over break.  I had planned to write out my paper for the APEX, but we spent so much time back in Wheeling running around for Easter that I didn't get ANYTHING done.  We did watch "Red Dragon" and "The Ring."  In short, "Red Dragon" was an excellent movie, while "The Ring" should've been scarier than it was.  The ring is fun, but it's like an amusement park ride that you keep expecting to be more exciting, and you keep thinking that over the next hill is the REALLY scary drop. . .and it never comes.  It's never really scary.  And that's dissapointing.  But Red Dragon was excellent, with great actors (Anthony Hopkins?  C'mon!) and also some good-looking action from Ed Norton and Ralph Fiennes (sp?).  So, I'd recommend seeing both, but have low expectations for The Ring unless it's pitch black in the room and you are all drinking or smoking pot or maybe having one of those orgies that would certainly bring your purity percentage down (see, that's what I'm missing!).  

On the homefront as well, my friend Jonah made a <a href="http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~gte783p/images/djbc.jpg">collage of our pal Justin at Mardi Gras</a>, and it's pretty amusing even if you don't know him.  

We also got a puppy at home!  Our dog Pepper, 17, died last year, and it was just about time to get a new dog to scare the racoons out of our kitchen.  I totally cried at the animal shelters because there were so many good, eager-to-please dogs there, and I wanted to take them all home.  I personally made friends with Toby, a 1-year old male cutie that looked like one of the sheep dogs from "Babe" and was just all smiles and waggly tails. . .but Liz wanted a puppy, so there.  We ended up with a cute little shepherd mix puppy, who we named "Mocha" because of her coloration.  When we brought her home, she just lept about, so scared and amazed by everything.  It's an amazing thing to watch a puppy see a dandelion for the first time ever, and just flip out.  She saw it, did a leap in the air, and came back and barked at it.  Then she bit it, and then she went on to check out other things.  I spent all of Tuesday puppy-sitting, which was alot of fun, but very tiring.  I'm glad I'm not having kids any time soon.  If a puppy wears me out during easter break, I'd be afraid to see what a baby would do.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/15/2003 10:14:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Disturbing, but sooo good</b>

My brother Don is finishing up his first year at WVU, and he finally has a computer--which means he's on AIM at 2AM just lke me, and we can chat and exchange cool sites.  Probably alot of you already saw this site, but if not, I really recommend <a href="http://www.intothematrix.com/">The AniMatrix</a>.  

The 2nd Renaissance Pt 1 is thoroughly disturbing. . . I went to sleep thinking about it, and I'm still thinking about it today. . . .

And ironically, the lyrics I added yesterday talked about homes and worst enemies, and last night I dreamt I was sharing duplex with my worst enemies.  Thanks brain.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/14/2003 03:17:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><i>It's your own worst enemy 
Ringing the bell on the door 
And the person inside says nobody's home 
So your own worst enemy peeks inside 
And sees you softly weeping as some music fills the room 

And the song they play 
Is that guy with the messed up face 
Going, precious and few are the moments that you 
And your own worst enemy share 
</i>
--They Might Be Giants

Yeah, once again I wrote an entire entry and then the touchpad on my laptop set off the "back" button and I was left with nothing.  BAH

So I'm 1/3 done with finals.  I turned in my take-home immunology exam, despite the fact I probably could have worked on it tremendously more. . . . I've decided that being a senior is a good enough excuse to just let it go.  I also reasoned with Becker today, and managed to turn my lab write-up grade from 67 to 76. .. and I'm very happy with that actually.  If I could get a B in physics, I would be happy.  I don't want a C, but I'll deal if that's what I get too.  It's not worth worrying about.  

Today could perhaps be THE loveliest day of the new year yet.  So warm. .. .warm enough for tank tops but not so warm you have to wear shorts--which is good because I'm no fan of shorts (these blinding white gams of mine weren't made for them!).  I'm perfecting the jeans-tanktop-sandals look.  Everyone is lying around or playing games or sadly working on finals (guess which category I will be in all week?).  

So, I've been kicking around some ideas for 3-week activities--Dave is going to be off in California for part of it, so I need to remain busy in a fun way.  Here's what I have so far:

1.  Movie Night(s): I'm probably going to round up Alien & Aliens, I've got the first season of Buffy and maybe I'll procure the 2nd during break, heck who knows?
2.  Video Games in the Lounge: OR I could spend my money on a new controller for the x-box and maybe a game or two.
3.  3-MILE SQUARE WALKS NEED TO HAPPEN
4.  Dinner out with friends: like Appleby's or Lemongrass or anywhere damnit!

Then there are two more abstract ideas I've been thinking about.  One is a day of closure.  See, there's alot of people I may never see again ever and there are certainly things I'll want to say to them.  Although I'd like to be lazy and say--if you want closure, come and get it!  I'll tell you just what I think of you!  But who knows.  The other is a memorial walk: I'd kindof like to pick some of the most important spots on campus, in my time here, and visit them all and remember those moments.  But that could be a long list. .  . <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/12/2003 01:48:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The ass-end of the 12-week</b>

LAST 12-WEEK EXAMS EVERRRRRR.  That's pretty damn exciting.  

Well, I got caught up on my sleep, and Wednesday was a honestly nice day.  I alerted the lounge folk ahead of time that we'd be watching Angel in the lounge again at 9PM, and there was 0 resistance, and it was refreshing if not a little amazing.  So we had no trouble getting together to watch it that night, although the crowd was significantly smaller.  

The "epic" community meeting for Henry turned out to be not so very much exciting.  There was a gigantic turnout, but as far as complaints/comments there were words from me, Tom, Sean, and Mary, and that was it.  Basically, folks are sick of the making out, the mess, and really that's about it.  I don't feel anything got accomplished, but at least the lounge is sparkling clean right now.  I had a much better talk with some folks (Jess, Brie, and Tom?) later on.  I'm starting to get the impression the actual trouble makers down there may be fewer than you would think.  But I've always been bummed that there are cool people in the lounge I'd like to hang out with, but wouldn't want to put up with some unkind and/or ignorant individuals to do so.  

Sooo, I worked on my Neuro presentation on the olfactory system from midnight till 5AM on thursday night.  4 hours of sleep just ain't right.  Although I felt high all day--got to witness my last of each 12 week class lectures, and arranged talking over my lab with Becker.  Even ran into Jason on campus and talked to him for awhile.  It occurred to me that perhaps he thinks I totally hate him, since I generally avoid him and let Dave talk to him, but seriously I don't hate him, so I felt better chatting for a bit.  I reserve hating for people who have wronged me heinously or recently or who just make me jealous.  Dont' ask me why this has bugged me.  I have issues, and am generally retarded at times.  

Admittedly I was a bit jealous that tonight was "guys-only" drinking night, but I soon found the joys of post-dinner napping to be much more attractive, and while Dave was off boozin with the CS guys, I played some Hunter and also Jet Set Radio Future on the X-box.  Point is, I was pouting inwardly at first, but actually it was good times.  And Andy showed up out of nowhere!

Dave's Freudian Morality system IRC presentation inspired some thought, for me.  I'm finding, more and more these days, that I indulge my id or generally pay alot of attention to it.  So if the id requests something I can't really fulfill, I spend days worrying about it, because my brain whines.  It fusses, it obsesses.  But lately, I've found it gets tired of that after awhile, and life is no worse for wear.  So take that brain!  I'm on to your crazy games!  

OH!  I've also officially accepted admission to UWisconsin.  Took me long enough, didn't it?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/09/2003 03:33:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>If it ain't one thing. .. .it's probably something else?</b>

Well, Monday was yucky, in the sense that I stayed up till 4AM working on my APA lab report for Neuroscience.  I took at 3 hour nap, which was suprisingly refreshing as I woke up wondering what was going on and who I was, and then realizing I'd slept and dreamt.  Off to finish up some stuff at 7AM and then Neuro lab at 9:30, which involved a lab practical, and the memorization of sheep brain anatomy.  I really don't care how I did though, I just wanted to be done.  

So it's tuesday already by this point ;)  And I had to give my 10 minute speech to several hundred people at the honors convocation.  It was rough, because I couldn't get the paper to stay in the right place on the podium without planting my hands on it (aka NO gestures allowed), and the lights were bright so I could choose to look into the audience or look at my paper.  But I could see Vanessa laughing at my jokes, so it was all good.  Mom and Dad came up for the speech, and got to see Prudy give me praises for enthusiasm--not intelligence mind you, but I'll take it.  We had a lovely lunch with Sean, Maureen and Maureen's Dad, Abbey, and Medina.  One of those serendipitous times when you realize you all have alot in common, and good times are had.  I forget how much I miss theatre people sometimes.  Then I came home, slept for awhile, went to dinner & a WHRM meeting, and then slept from 8PM till 10AM this morning.  My dreams were thoroughly bizzare, and I can't post it all here, but I'll give you a snippet: 

<i>Sam, Dave, and myself are walking along really steep roads—it’s summery/fall.  The hills fall and rise steeply.  I tell them about my dream that I had earlier in the dream.  Dave walks away.

It’s just Sam and me, and I tell him about “Ochem” street, and how it sounds like Occham’s Razor—we say in unison “the simplest answer is typically the right one.”

So we walk a little bit more, and he says of course I’ve scared Dave away, with all that talk about my dream.  I ask him why he rattles so much in his sleep.  He pulls something out of his pocket.  It is a chain of teeth almost 2 feet long, and there’s a ridged plate. (kindof like a plate of bone from a bleached turtle shell, or a skull.  The teeth are ok,  But the ridged plate bothers me.  He couldn’t have gotten that one without killing someone.  

“You’re too much, you’re everywhere, can’t you see?”

And I freak out.  He’s going to kill me.  But he’s been waiting to do it in the right way, with A PLAY that was specially designed to be read between the both of us—so scary that I’d die?  

Suddenly I’m in Sam’s world.  It’s an 80’s horror movie future for all of us.  The houses look older and cold. . . </i>

Now, I honestly don't think that Sam is trying to kill me, in reality.  I'm not sure where that came from.  But I'm pretty entertained that if he's going to kill me, it's going to be by having me read a play.  Also I am entertained that Sam's world is an 80's horror movie--you know, complete with suburbs and upper middle class white folk?  It was a looong dream, altogether.  Long enough that for a while it felt like I'd lived it and not dreamed it.  

So now it's wednesday.  I'm pissed at Becker for ripping apart my physics formal lab write-up.  The original got a grade of 65, and now after hours of fixing the things he said were wrong with it, I have a whopping 67.  

2 fucking points?  

I actually had a section go from 10 points to 5 points, after I rewrote it.  I can honestly say I'm pissed.  So I'm going to e-mail him about it, and hopefully at least my 10 points restored on procdure.  Then I'll have a 72.  wooo.

Dave is very upset today, and I'm not sure what to do about that.

Just a reminder, Angel is on at 9PM tonight.  I'm watching it in the lounge.  Join me please.  I'm going to ask the folks there ahead of time, so perhaps its less traumatic for them.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/06/2003 10:59:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Even if the new X-men cartoon is dumb, it's still fun to watch . . . </b>

Because dammit I'm not alone in wishing I had some super power.  Some dangerous but useful talent.  Dave and Sam agree that if I have to be one of the marvel girl super heroes, I'd get to be Jean Grey.  I'm cool with that, because telekinesis would be nice and telepathy. .. .well, I've had my brushes with it, and my mom can legitimately read my mind (no joke), so it would be neat to actually be able to control such a power.  Although honestly I'd rather have super strength and invulnerability--but there's no Buffy in the marvel universe, and apparently I'm too smart to be Rogue, so oh well!  

Saturday was a blur of activity and falling asleep in vans.  I woke up at 4:30AM to get movin' and clean up the lounge.  I felt I had to, because the housekeeper had written a very kind note asking the folks to clean things up by Saturday for Focus Day, and of course they really hadn't.  So it all went in the closets: CD players, about 8 pairs of shoes, coffee makers, hot pots, a george foreman grill which STILL had the drippings congealed in the collection pan.  Uncleaned plates, many unemptied glasses.  2 backpacks.  I threw dirty socks away.  I wanted to throw it ALL away, because none of this is in accord with our agreed "24 hour" rule for personal items and food.  THe lounge looked lovely when I left it, and I felt much better having actually done something instead of bitching about it. 

Then it was off to Ohio Academy of Sciences--a three hour drive to Findlay, and several sciencey hours explaining my research this summer and looking at posters of other people's research.  A 3-hour ride back. . .and then off to Moda with Jason Meeks.  I FINALLY got to see Alice's house!  If you want the layout of the evening, I'll refer to her journal.  

Outside the club, we could hear the building vibrating with a steady bass rhythm. .. you know, the nnnnst nssst nnnnst!  No line to get in, thankfully, but a scary high cover of 13 bucks.  But Moda is truly a fucking cool club.  Everything was in blue, plastic, industrial metal.  The tables lit up, lasers glanced off the gigantic mirror ball.  Nobody was really dancing when we got there at first, but people wanted to--you can tell, because they sway and bob on the sidelines.  But suddenly, without warning, the dance floor filled up, and after we finished our drinks we were out there, hopping and swaying like mad.  If you've ever seen Jet Set Radio Future, imagine people dancing like that, with arms weaving.  The club had several hired dancers, who grooved away on top of huge cubes at the corners and front of the dance floor.  There were two asian girls in tight red tank tops and shortshort jean skirts.  One of them danced calmly, but seductively and all curviness.  The other, more boyish built girl was in a frenzy, hopping and wiggling all over the cube.  Then there was the break dancing guy, who could lift himself up on one arm--the rest of his body planted in the air.  I was just freaking amazed.  I WISHED I could dance like that.  

The people watching was fantastic.  Everyone was dressed well, and I even saw a guy who actually deserved to wear a mesh shirt.  I now see they do have a purpose in the world as an article of clothing.  Everyone was lovely, and it was wonderful--after all these years of dancing where the crowds are small and the music mediocre--to be surrounded by people furiously dancing, with a bass beat so hard your collar bone vibrates.  And every hour, we'd wait for the telltale hiss of the cold-shot valves, which would spray down COLD air along with fog---the dance floor would be so cold you could see your own breath for about 30 seconds, and then it was too hot again.  Hands down, one of the coolest evenings of my life.  The beauty, the fashion, then energy, the phermones!  And above it all, the folks in the VIP section watched the dance floor from their balconies.  . .. 

Ok, great evening, but I got home at 4AM--after being up pretty much 24 hours straight--and then slept till 11AM.  7 hours of sleep.  Went to bruch with a BLINDING headache, and fell asleep again, this time in Dave's room, until dinner at 5.  Then I did some work, and vowed to come home and do more, but just couldn't.  I'm finding it harder and harder to stay focused.  I have an APA lab write-up to conquer tomorrow, and Tuesday is the lab practical & my honors convocation speech.  I wish Prudy hadn't voluteered me for this.  But it's an honor. . . .it's just that it is also one more thing to have to do.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/04/2003 12:14:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Thursday, with Hyacinths by my laptop</b>

Today was a good day, yeah.  A day when I can pull my hair up and still feel like I look good--hard to explain.  

My last physics lab hopefully ever was today.  I didn't even realize it until someone else said so.  We got to work with radioactive material, so that was cool.  But it was over so fast, and without much effort or drama.  Goodbye physics lab.  If only I could say the same thing for class!  

At lunch we "yelled" at James for not coming down for Angel last night.  He had to go watch the stars or something.  So we told him the whole epic story, and he asked if it was "just like the old lounge."  And that tugged a little at my heart.  Yeah, things won't ever be the same, regardless of what happens from here till Senior Week.  

Sam and Dave and I went for Pizza Hut, which was tasty, but of course killed my digestive tract--which was already upset with me.  We went to Giant Eagle's in Ravenna and I got to use that cool self-checkout stuff for the first time to ring' up my hyacinth plant.  Dave had helped me pick out the only one in the store that had its buds still closed up; it's white with a yellow-wrapped pot.  I can't wait till it really blooms.  Hyacinth is the smell of spring, to me, followed by lilac in late spring, and then summer its chlorine, mowed lawns, and wet air.  God I can't wait.  For any of it.  

Went to the last APEX's I'll ever see.  They were really good, although some people need to realize that talking fast doesn't equal being smart--especially when you lose even an educated audience half way through.  But there were alot of good talks--Jenny talked about heart valve replacements, Tom talked about plant ethology and the changing of the seasons!  Andrew talked about monkey paternity tests. .. .it was, as they say, "all good"

Dena and Sean both wished I would have let them know about the lounge takeover.  I wish I would have too!  I organized, but I didn't organize perfectly.  I'd like to do it again this next week.  I told them that if there were any other shows they wanted to watch, let me know and we'll work out show parties of a sort.  And movie nights must happen, including Moulin Rouge--who could have requested that hmmm ;) ?  That would make me happy.  And during senior week, the lounge will be totally, unequivocably ours.  Maybe it can be a golden age revisted.  I am taking requests.  If anyone reads this and wants to watch something in the Lounge, let's work it out!

I keep thinking tomorrow is Saturday--when I go to OAS annual meeting and then to MODA with Alice and cohorts.  But it's actually Friday. . .. crap.  one week to go!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/03/2003 12:01:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>So that's all it took?</b>

Well, Dave, Sam, myself, Adam, and Kat kidnapped the lounge tonight to watch Angel.  All day I was worried there was going to be a big fuss--because Angel was going to conflict with "American Idol" which I was informed was the neoloungites favorite TV show.  I was concerned someone would get pissed off and it would become ugly.  

At 8:55 we walked down en masse, and announced that we were going to watch Angel, ok?  Jarrod said no, that they were going to watch "American Idol."  To which I replied, no, we haven't gotten to watch a single show all semester.  Dave them promptly wrestled the remote from him, and sat down beside him.  And like magic, suddenly the WB was on and the lounge was ours to enjoy.  

Ok, so at first everyone just stared at us in disbelief, and I had nowhere to sit.  But by the time I walked around to the other side of the lounge, they had cleared out.  We convinced Tom and Jason to join us for awhile, and soon Brian showed up with some friends, and occasionally some of the newer lounge folk would sit for awhile, and actually enjoy the show.  It was like a timewarp: once again, I could hang out in the lounge with friends, and be happy.  We stayed for an episode of South Park, and then Sam, Dave, and myself went walking, and happened upon Adam again!

All in all, it turned out so well, although I'm a bit amazed how easy it was.  And it was worth it.  All I really wanted was to hang out in the lounge, my lounge too, and just get those kids used to being displaced once and awhile.  I cannot emphasize enough that I don't care if they act weird--I don't hold that against them.  But they are getting too insular for the lounge--to cliqueish for a public area meant to be shared.  

Speaking of which: The lounge is indeed in a horrible mess.  I've seen bad.  This is horrible.  Many many pairs of shoes, coffee pots, five million cups, chips, and prescription medication?  PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION?  Not to mention that almost every chair was covered by a blanket or article of clothing.  No problem though, we just moved them out of the way--that's lounge policy.  I had to fight the urge not to get out a garbage bag and just shove everything into one--or alternatively lining them up on the fireplace wall and saying "free to a good home" OR asking them "So when are you guys going to clean the lounge up?"

But I was having a good time, so I let it go.  

Two last tidbits:
Physics quote of the day: "I don't think I own and tank tops that aren't slutty"--Allison S.

Not my business but it's still funny situation:  Exactly what could be LESS well thought out than calling someone a retarded puppy on a leash, and then later walking around the lounge with a dog collar and chain leash on?  Kudos to you.  
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 4/01/2003 06:55:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>So where did this come from?</b>

First, I love all of you on livejournal, but it's obvious livejournal is evil.  And by evil I mean ingenius: if you want to get the real scoop on all the password protected stuff, you'll have to sign up.  I mean, I'm not missing out on too much, but still, that's kindof lame.  But I'm not attacking anyone, just saying "hmmm"

The lounge situation escalates.  I had to laugh at myself today, because I felt myself getting all offended and riled up, and then I realized they hadn't said or done anything to me specifically.  Frankly, I've been really pissed at the way they've been treating Kat and Tom.  I just don't get where all this attitude came from, this attittude that apparently the neoloungites (Term created!) have been dishing out regularly.  But it's hilarious, because it's no personal attack on me.  Frankly, like my friends, I am a true sucker for someone in distress.  And frankly, getting pissed about people being mean to them finally gives me an excuse to be mad at certain people I already dislike.  I find it pretty interesting.  Oh well, we're supposed to have a big community meeting next week about all this lounge crap.  Last time we had this meeting, I was sitting in the lounge defending these new people.  And now I won't be.  If you aren't going to show kindness and tolerance at the very least, don't expect it from anyone else.  

Well, I'm pretending still that I don't have much work to do, even though I do.  Two weeks left in the 12 week, for goodness sake.  

two

and then the blessed 3-week.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/30/2003 12:37:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I couldn't have made a better metaphor myself</b>

Ok, so this is based on one assumption: the daffodils in the lounge are in fact the daffodils that used to grace the walkway to Miller.  I checked.  They have not wilted or droped off from the cold--they are gone.  

I was just admiring them on Friday: they were so bright and yellow and I commented on them as we walked from Miller back to Henry.  And today I saw a bunch of them in a vase in the lounge.  And to me, it's a better metaphor than I could ever personally come up with.  The current lounge community has taken something public, that belongs to everyone, and taken it to a place where only they can enjoy it.  Because who else would want to enjoy it?   

News Flash: it's not up to you to make that choice.  

I've been frustrated for some time now, with the lounge  And most of it is personal crap of my own, yeah.  And I know if I really want things to change, I should just go sit down there and make it happen.  I've been so freaking busy, I haven't been putting in time to making sure things were ok down there.  But it pisses me off.  At one point, Kat told me they wouldn't let her watch the show she asked to watch.  One time, I was down there waiting for Gail and Brie for Jiu jitsu, and Jessica was trying to watch Buffy, and Brie was blaring her laptop music over it, because she had to show Kat something.  It upset me, because I could see how Jessica felt--she should've raised hell about it.  But didn't.  I've seen a girl wander around down there with a long t-shirt and no pants on.  Thanks, I didn't want to see that. 

I'm upset because I can't hang out down there, unless I want to get stared at.  I'm going to probably have to raise hell if I wanna watch a particular show.  And techincally, if the majority of them say no, in some way I'm supposed to concede, because the TV is supposed to be shared and used to the best interests of the majority of the lounge.  Which makes sense, and is ok, except if you have a group of at least 8 people down there all the time, it stops being fair.  

Oh hell, I don't really know what to say.  I'm frustrated, and I can't prove they stole the daffodils, and I can't immediately change what's going on down there.  But I sure can bitch about it ;)  

If anyone feels the same way, please let me know.  I'm going to be less busy in the 3-week, and so I'd like to hang out there some more, and would enjoy the company.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/29/2003 02:00:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Merit: Jack-of-All Trades (+5)</b>

Ok, so this is going to probably sound trite, but one of the biggest revelations I've had this year is that the world of roleplaying games and television isn't actually so far off from reality.  What I mean to say is that some of the coolest things I saw in these media, I assumed existed only in media.  Like smokey bars and strange characters, fate, random encounters .  .  . the world is a cool place, outside of the books and screens and dice.  

And I was just thinking about how nice it is when you create a character for yourself, that you get to pick out skills and merits for your character.  Want to be a gem appraiser? sure!  Want to track wild beasts, or evade security systems? SURE!  You got to have all these cool, useful skills and talents.  And for some reason I used to think that you couldn't get cool skills like that anymore.  More than that, I figured that since I had chosen my career path, I probably wouldn't have time for stuff outside of that. I'd be a biologist.  But yesterday I filled in for a missing part in Sean's play, and I had such a good time!  I walked in, smelling the dust of the stage and feeling the heat of the lights, and I felt bewildered for a minute.  What do I do?  I'm just a biologist!  

But then it was like, DUH AMBER, you've been on stage before!  I've had central roles in 3 musicals, and had such a great time doing it.  I'm not a professional, but I'm not a novice.  But I'm getting off topic.  The point is: it was so refreshing to do something non-scientific, and do it with some proficiency.  My parents gave me a really good speaking voice, and years on the speech team don't hurt--especially since my main categories were poetry interpretation and orginial oratory.  Doing a dramatic reading was non-stressful, and I think I helped instead of hindered.  

So it got me to thinking: what other skills would be fun to have--what other things could I learn to do that would give me space from biology, and make me a more useful person?  

So I made a list of the things I'd like to learn how to do.  

ride a horse
handle birds of prey (aka, become a falconer)
sew clothes
make sushi (get more cooking classes in general)
polish, cut, and set gemstones
be a better photographer
draw a comic book
make a movie
scuba dive
sail
fix/maintain a car
pick locks
use a gun well
fight with a knife (I suck)
dance the tango and other latin ballroom dances
belly dance (c'mon, it would be cool)
become a bartender
Become more proficient in Spanish and maybe German or some other language
Play a drum set

Man, sounds like enough for now.  It's fun to think about, especially when there's more important things, like school, you should be thinking about.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/26/2003 05:27:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Best Laid Plans of Mice and Newts. . . </b>

Oh-K, so I'm still extremely tired. After my APEX--which went extremely well even though a girl passed out during Nicole's surgery presentation--was done, I had to march straight home to a physcis formal lab re-write and another lab writeup for Nueroscience. I couldn't party, because early the next morning I was to begin surgery on my rat for the second time. I was too tired to do work, so I set my alarm for 5AM, thinking that if I went to bed early it would be alright to wake up at this hour. .. . WRONG AMBER. I woke up incoherent and confused many times to slap the snooze button tuesday morning. Eventually, I got out of bed, walked over to the Becker's office to turn in my lab report, then off to Bates for rat brain surgery. 

Downstairs, my rat was already drugged when I got there--the professor and the lab instructor had decided to give the procedure a head start. My rat still had to get around 4 supplemental doses past an already higher dosage of sodium pentabarbitol to really put him under. You see, our surgery involved using what's called a stereotaxic apparatus: 

<img src = "http://www.muromachi.com/Images/Products/dki900re.gif">

you may be able to see the two pointy bars running horizontally towards eachother?  those are ear-bars.  You have to line up the rat's head--once he's again shaved and passed out--so that the bars slide into his ears: first you put the left ear bar in, and then you have to bring in the right one.  If you have the earbars perfectly in place, the rat's head won't budge if you wiggle his snout from left to right.  This easily took 20 minutes to accomplish, and that was after he flinched a couple times--resulting in the supplemental doses of anesthetic.  Then I had to hurry, because there's a window of time where the rat is fully under and operable, and we don't want to have to give him extra anesthesia while I'm operating on him.  . . . so I disinfected his little bald head, and then it was time for the scalpel.  . . .

Oh dear lord.  It was a strange feeling in MY head.  I was scared, apprehensive, almost nauseous, and at the same time trying to ignore those feelings and actually trying to get psyched for the incision.  Deep breath, and cut--starting between the eyes and moving back.  Apparently rat scalp is tough stuff--I had to push so freaking hard down his little head!  And with a sickening little drop of the blade, I made it through the scalp, and then I had to pull that incision back to the base of his head--which was hard because the skin there is so loose the blade couldn't really get purchase on it.  It's weird to see an open scalp, because--no drama, no fanfare--THERE IS THE SKULL.  Right there.  The scalp pulls aside easily and you can see all the sutures--where the little brain plates have fused together.  It was amazing.  Really amazing.  

Actually, the whole thing wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be.  I thought the blood would freak me out--it didn't.  I've seen blood, many times; I should've known better!  It was *interesting* trying to drill a hole in a tiny skull, with a tiiiiiny little drill bit.  Then I had to slip the needle (which would have been held by that vertical bar you see in the picture, through that tiny hole and to specific coordinates--the coordinates of the exact spot we were supposed to lesion.  I loaded up my ibotenic acid, gave the syringe a gentle tap, and that was it.  I don't even know if I tapped the full amount in--I won't be sorry if I didn't.  But then it was all over.  We pinched the little rat's scalp together and stapled it closed (with surgical staples).  It looked so much nicer all closed up.  Coated that skin-ridge scalp wound with vaseline, and we gooped my rat's eyes as well since he was all drugged and couldn't blink.  But he could breath, I saw him doing it!  We put him back in his little cage, with his head resting on a folded paper towel.  All gooped up and drugged up--so peaceful.  I was happy, most happy. 

I hadn't yet killed the best rat ever.  And I have the utmost respect for surgeons everywhere.  It was so emotionally draining, and my surgery was easy. . ..

Life after that has been hectic and yes, crazy.  I had a neuroscience exam today, so I'd been studying and catching up and all the usual.  I'm so tired. .. but happy that the big horrible stuff is over.  

OH and please disregard the repeat entry below--blogger messed up and I can't delete it.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/26/2003 05:26:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Best Laid Plans of Mice and Newts. . .</b>

Oh-K, so I'm still extremely tired.  After my APEX--which went extremely well even though a girl passed out during Nicole's surgery presentation--was done, I had to march straight home to a physcis formal lab re-write and another lab writeup for Nueroscience.  I couldn't party, because early the next morning I was to begin surgery on my rat for the second time.  I was too tired to do work, so I set my alarm for 5AM, thinking that if I went to bed early it would be alright to wake up at this hour. .. . WRONG AMBER.  I woke up incoherent and confused many times to slap the snooze button tuesday morning.  Eventually, I got out of bed, walked over to the Becker's office to turn in my lab report, then off to Bates for rat brain surgery.

Downstairs, my rat was already drugged when I got there--the professor and the lab instructor had decided to give the procedure a head start.  My rat still had to get around 4 supplemental doses past an already higher dosage of sodium pentabarbitol to really put him under.  You see, our surgery involved using what's called a stereotaxic apparatus:

<img src = "http://www.muromachi.com/Images/Products/dki950.gif><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/25/2003 02:53:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Coming to a blog near you!</b>

An APEX to Remember
5AM is NO time to be awake
Amber Pollack, Rat Brain Surgeon

But for now I'm too sleepy to right any of it :(
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/24/2003 03:54:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Jitters</b>

Yeah, in approximately 3 hours my APEX presentation will be done.  3 Hours, that's all.  I'm nervous--it doesn't help that every person I run into asks me if I'm nervous.  Actually, I'm <i>anxious</i>.  I can do this, especially if I can keep my frame of mind "I'm gonna kick the butt!"<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/22/2003 12:11:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Quit picking at it!</b>

Ach!  I have this little scab on my neck right near the jawline, and I'm having trouble not messing with it.  We learned about inflammation in Immunology today, so you think I would've learned my lesson about creating cell damage.  I'm one of those people who certainly can't leave scabs alone, or anything else that bugs me even slightly.  Like, today I got the feeling a certain person was giving me the cold shoulder.  For the second time, I've looked directly at them, smiled, and said hi, and they've just turned their head and kept on walking.  And it's continually bugging me--I'm not sobbing in a corner or feeling less cool--I just want to know what the heck is going on, because I'm betting it's something stupid that maybe I didn't even do.  Or maybe they decided they were too cool or my opinions of the state of the lounge are finally known enough that they'll extend their insular attitudes to me too.  When I told Sam about it, he said "What?  Someone might dislike you for no good reason?  Welcome to my world."   

Finally, I'm starting to at least accept that I am obsessed with knowing what's going on.  I'm terribly nosey, and I've been able to harness some of this into being more social, since I'm not the only one who likes to talk about themselves a little.  I can actually ask my deep burning questions and it might let people know I care!  It's also a good trait to apply to science, this NEED-TO-KNOW obsession, but easier said than done, my friend.  

Speaking of science, I practiced my APEX talk for Prudy, and I was only about a minute over, and otherwise it was pretty much ok!  I mean, from a speech giving perspective it could be alot smoother.  I could make more eye-contact, speak more clearly. .. .  .I also need to use some simpler terms for the general audience.  It felt so awesome to have practiced it with her, because I know I could waltz in there now and do it, and it would be ok--definitely not impressive, but ok!  And Dave's getting his super-sexxy interview suit on Sunday, and he's going to wear it for me on Monday for the APEX's, and admittedly that's very exciting for me.  My parents are coming up too, so it should be good fun.  

Thank God it's the weekend.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/20/2003 09:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The slow beginning of the end</b>

So tonight was the Turner Society Dinner: where alumni, faculty, and senior biological science majors get together to schmooze, drink, and eat delicious food.  The reception started at 6PM, and at 5:50 my hair wasn’t dry and I still had no idea what I was going to wear, because apparently all my “formal wear” is somewhere else. . . but that’s beside the point.

I’m so tired of socializing.  I can’t express this enough.  I’m tired, stressed, deprived of good times and home-work-free evenings: I don’t want to get make nice with people I don’t know at all.  But of course by now—after 3 visitation weekends of just that—I’m pretty good at it.  So I arrive with a smile on my face and a nice outfit on; I decided to go with a dark red sleeveless shirt, my favorite black skirt with the slits up the side, and my strappy magic-heels that I broke in at my Senior prom and have served me well ever since.  I pulled my hair up to feel more “sophisticated” . . . Hell, I can’t explain it.  There’s something about having your neck bare and you hair vaguely weighing down the back of your head to pull your chin up and make you feel refined.  Forget about that fact that my hair was probably spiking every which-a-way out of the hairband I wrapped around it; I had no bobbypins to secure this do’.  

So anyway, I click my way up to the KC Ballroom to find most folks in suits, ties, nice outfits. . . and thankfully I fit in just fine.  I stick my nametag on.  ASAP, I find students to hang out with, because that’s always more fun.  Get the latest word on classes, advice on APEX’s, shop talk. . . generally get to be paranoid or stressed and learn that everyone else feels that way too.  

The doors to the ballroom swing open, and we all flood in to find our assigned tables and place cards—there’s something about your name in fancy script in front of a plate that just makes things three levels of class higher than they were before.  Turns out I’m at a table with Prof. Goodner, Spencer, Jenny, and two alumni, one of whom was a pediatrician and bigwig something or other at OSU.  

Ok, so we all talked about our futures, did the whole “ask people things about themselves to be polite or maybe out of mild interest” thing.  Our guest speaker talked about the state of health of the children of the world—hello depression!  I missed you!  But it was over soon, and then we were getting handed our membership certificates, and being congratulated on our hard work and wished good luck in our future careers . . . and the sinking feeling started to creep in.  That feeling of inevitable leaving.  You know, like when you realize you’re riding the school bus for the last time.  Oh dear lord.

The best part of the evening, for me, was when I shook Brad Goodner’s hand.  Admittedly, I’ve had some issues with him, which I won’t go into here.  Except maybe to say I’ve always been jealous of the friendship Chris, Spencer, and Brad have.  I always felt like maybe I wasn’t a good enough scientist to be in on the fun or something like that.  But when he wished me good luck, I told him the truth, that I was so thankful for all the recommendations he’s written, and letting me work in his lab, and how these things have made all the difference.  And he smiled and said 

“Well, you’ve earned it, Amber”

So let the chips fall where they may.  I have closure on something.  It looks like there are a lot of loose ends I need to tie up before I go.  .  .
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/19/2003 11:38:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Soooo tired. .. </b>

Really.  Is anyone suprised?  It's just been a really draining day.  You see, I've got the mad spring fever when the sun is still up.  I wore cute pants and cute shoes and had a good, fun day actually.  Came home, played with my webcam (it's a shame that Skeletor refuses to stay in the same spot), got dinner.  Then I went off to a WHRM meeting, and an AIBS meeting.  After those, I cornered Vanessa and Katie to find out how there grad school searches were going.  It's something I'm so thankful for: being able to sit down and share this common and traumatizing experience.  We talked for about an hour, and I felt alot better about my current grad school situation (I'm getting a sweet stipend and tuition waiver), but I felt bad because these are people I respect as scientists and care about as friends.  I think they deserve better than what life is handing them.  

Vanessa and I walked back to the Hill together, and I finally admitted to her that when I first met her working at the field station, I was pretty much totally intimidated by her.  See, turns out both of us wish we would have gotten to know eachother better.  It seems like the senior-sad-wish-we'd-done-differently mood is fast approaching.  At least we have a 3-week class in common, so hopefully we can still have some good times.  

I guess this is the part where I should comment on the whole war issue.  Frankly, I'm with Vanessa on this.  I'm not going to go out and protest anything.  Frankly, I'm not upset or worried, even though I do care about all the people involved on either side.  Although sickly sometimes I wish something would happen so I wouldn't have to give my APEX on monday. . . 

But deep down, I'm just tired.  I've had to exert alot of energy to stay focused, and also attempt to channel my urges and wishes into more appropriate venues, and that's alot harder than I thought it would be.  I wish I knew what the right questions were to ask myself.  Like "hey Amber, what's really bugging you?" or "What's really important?"  But I'm stuck not wanting to whine about stupid things or cause trouble, and at the same time starting to get really frustrated with life.  But I guess that's how it be, friends and neighbors. . . <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/18/2003 03:56:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>A Rat Not to be Toyed With</b>

Today was the day for my rat brain surgery.  I've got to say, I'm pretty impressed with my rat.  You may recall that my rat was the most well-behaved rat--was being the operative word.  When I went down to the basement of Bates today, it was pretty obvious that my rat was not in a good mood.  He rushed eagerly to the lid of his container when I opened it, he tried to jump out several times.  when I picked him up firmly behind the shoulders, he twisted around with gaping rat-jaws, trying to get a chunk of my hand for himself.  I can't say that I blame him. As you may know, a patient scheduled for surgery cannot eat food for a certain amount of time beforehand, for their own safety.  If I go for 3 hours without eating, I'm already getting cranky.  These guys hadn't been fed for 15 hours.  

That, and I imagine what it must have been like, sitting in that plastic cage, all your rat comrades fine the first day, and then the next day they've got staples in their head and nasty looking scabs.  I'd be a little disconcerted.  So perhaps my rat had been planning ever since then. He'd become famous in the lab for knocking the lid off the weighing boat . . . 

But today was the day: I had to shave his head, make one clean slice from between his eyes to the back of his head with a scalpel, pull the scalp back with clamps and drill a tiny hole in his skull to make room for a tiny needle which would deposit 0.5 microliters of ibotenic acid onto a specific portion of his brain, to lesion it.  Then sew him all back up and give him painkillers until he healed.  So many plans for one little rat. . . but first I had to give him anethesia. . . . 

First you have to place the rat on a smooth floor, grab him by the base of the tail, and spin him around like a mop until he's dizzy enough to receive an injection.  I botched the first injection: I didn't get the needle into the skin far enough, and so I spurted pain killer all over the rat.  My professor still gave me enouragement, and the 2nd attempt was near beautiful.  I had to pinch his belly skin a little, and inject the needle with enough pressure to get it to POP through the skin.  

3 doses later my rat was still fiesty.  Woozy enough to shave though. . . . yes, I had to shave my rat's head, which wouldn't have been so bad except that we were using an electric shearer far wider than the space between the rat's ears, and a rat's eyes bulge out dangerously, leaving me with nightmares of popping one like a tapioca pearl.  scary.  

We waited, and waited for my rat, and Nicole's rat, to fall completely under.  But they never did.  Mine especially.  He's fiesty I tell you!  So today won't be the day I lesion his brain. . . I'm pretty happy about that honestly.  But now it's just put off till next week, and for now he'll have to live with a really bad haircut. . ..<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/16/2003 11:20:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Spider Sex and Car Wrecks</b>
AMBIGUITY RATING (1-10) 8.5

Wow, watch Amber steal a title from some album from some band, and a title that only marginally applies to anything here at that!

Mainly, this had to deal with car wrecks.  And by car wrecks I metaphorically mean horrible things that you can't help but stand by and watch happen.  Like when you're watching a horror movie, and the group decides to "split up" and all you can do is think "NO YOU IDIOTS NOOOO!!!" or maybe even yell and throw stuff at the screen.  Let me pose two questions here:

1.  Think of a time of great personal drama in your life, and see if you can think of anyway you could have avoided it.
2.  If you from the future had come back and told you of the present that something horrible might happen, would you believe them?

Man, I think I've been watching too much DUNE, what with all this destiny-see-the-future-but-cannot-alter-it crapola.  But seriously.  What if you could see the makings for disaster?  What if it's only in your head?  And even if it isn't, shouldn't you feel bad for taking some sick pleasure in hypothesizing and waiting to see what happens?

The other half of this COIN OF DESTINY (imagine an echo here) is that I feel old.  All I've been doing is working, and the occasional bout of walking or TV watching.  And that's not a bad thing.  Two days of utter depression this year are absolutely nothing compared to last year, when I spent my break at home trying to shop my way to happiness but still getting on AIM like a retard.  I couldn't have stopped me, even if I tried.  I feel like our lives had a special little moment on the Hiram drama stage, and now we're getting rotated out.  It's weird, because sure I'm happy I have someone to love and love and love, and I'm happy not to have to try to share that love with anyone.  I'm so possesive.  I was thinking about that today.  Last year I got the chance to just date someone with no strings attached, and I was like "sure!  I can dig this!  This is what I've always wanted!" but I bristled just a little whenever any female came within a 50 yard radius, and I even cried a little when the year came to an end.  So I think the lesson I'm supposed to learn today is that most tasks are surmountable when you just take a deep breath and do them, but don't kid yourself--you're not superman.  I'll probably never be the vampy super sex kitten I always wish I could be.  I'll probably never be a vampire slayer, yeah.  Can't always  be happy, and shouldn't be suprised about that.  

Oh enough of this crap :)  APEX talk outline with bulleted notes is DONE and turned in to Prudy.  At this point, technically I could go in and give the talk now.  But I'd really like to practice. . .just a little.  Well, I'm off to get a little work done, since I had to watch Dune tonight, and I'm supposed to have read, like, a million chapters for Neuroscience this Monday.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/16/2003 11:10:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>So, welcome back to school . . . </b>

Yeah, so here it is, the last day of the spring break.  I spent all of Saturday thinking it was Sunday, so now it doesn't come as much of a suprise that it is, in fact now Sunday.  The weather is absolutely lovely, and I think: man, I've got so much work to do in the coming week, much of which I want to accomplish today. . but if this was highschool I'd buy a 50 cent kite at Biglots and go fly it around my house.  Oh, but who needs fun when you have work?

Actually, I shouldn't bitch.  I've had my moment of denouement

Main Entry: de·noue·ment  
Variant(s): also dé·noue·ment   /"dA-"nü-'män, dA-'nü-"/
Function: noun
Etymology: French dénouement, literally, untying, from Middle French desnouement, from desnouer to untie, from Old French desnoer, from des- de- + noer to tie, from Latin nodare, from nodus knot -- more at NODE
Date: 1752
1 : the final outcome of the main dramatic complication in a literary work
2 : the outcome of a complex sequence of events 

Ok, so it wasn't that dramatic a complication, it wasn't that complex, but I feel relieved to have gotten past the freak-out stress stage and now be moving on to gettting-things-done-land.  I think I may have completely finished my powerpoint for the Apex.  Maybe.  I'm telling myself its done so that I'll stop messing with it and get together bulleted points for the talk today.  That way I'll go to Prudy with my APEX presentation roughly complete, and ready to turn into a poster of sorts.  And you know what would be left, kiddies?  Taking the talk and fleshing it out into a paper to turn in at the end of the 12-week.  That's it.  Stick the APEX in the can and call it a day.  I'm simplifying, but the reason I barely worked on this thing till now is because it's so big and scary I didn't want to--that and I was so busy I couldn't bring myself to do it.  

It's like when you watch a scary movie as a kid, and the monster scares you so much that it haunts you a bit every night.  You walk around and you're still so scared of it that you don't want to think about it.  But eventually you work up the strength to just face it, whatever it is that is so scary.  And when you do, you see it's really not much at all--in fact it's beatable.  The days I realized I could probably stick a gremlin in a blender, or punch that clown from IT in the face. . . .those were good days.  And maybe today I actually believe I can get this APEX done.  And it won't suck.  I practiced the talk with the powerpoint, roughly, and it's easily 15 minutes, and I only need about 12-13.  How's that for awesome?

So I'm feeling better.  I still wish I had a vacation--somewhere sunnier and warmer where I could hop in the ocean or sleep on the beach, eat shrimp every night, and give Dave some tropical drinks . . . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/15/2003 02:05:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/glendinning2/"><img src="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/glendinning2/hannah.jpg" title="Hannah: I've never seen a fruit fly, but I'm sure they do." border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/glendinning2/">Which Latter-Day Glendinningite are <i>you</i>?</a><br /><small>Brought to you by <a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/">Rum and Monkey</a>

<img src="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/giantrobot/optimusprime.jpg" width="200" height="150" /><br /><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/giantrobot/">Which Colossal Death Robot Are <i>You</i>?</a><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/14/2003 06:27:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/homosexual/"><img src="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/homosexual/davinci.jpg" title="Don't ask me about David." alt="" border="0"></a><br /><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/homosexual/">Which Famous Homosexual are <i>you</i>?</a><br /><small>Brought to you by <a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/">Rum and Monkey</a></small>

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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/13/2003 11:27:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Cheers to . . . </b>

Cheers to the teenager left in my brain that wakes up around this time--always this time of night--to tell me what it wants.  I mean, I know how parents feel now.  They've done everything they could to make this brat happy.  A wonderful life, great opportunities, nothing to worry about but some homework here and there.  Impress a couple people, keep climbing up the ladder.   But there she is, whining about how she's missing out on something, or how she'd rather be . . .

FOR FUCK'S SAKE BRAIN, SHUT UP!!!!

Really, I'm tired of it.  Yeah, it's a very ambiguous rant.  I'm really tired of all the muttering and whining that stays in my brain to bug me in the late hours.  I'm tired of the recurrent dreams.  I want a <b>real</b> break.  I don't want to mess things up.  Because really, I'm happy.  Tired, stressed, but happy.  But sometimes I worry I'm just assuring myself I'm happy because I'm afraid to really be sad.  I don't know.  And I don't want this to seem like some cry for help.  I think I'm really stressed, because I haven't done much work at all this week, and I should have.  I have so much work to do between now and the 3-week.  I can't decide whether to really relax on the break and work my ass off during the rest of the 12-week, or just never stop working and just be moderately busy.  

I want things to be easy and simple.  I want to wake up in the morning without anything looming over me, and more importantly, go to sleep without feeling like I've done something wrong, or that my life is wrong somehow.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/11/2003 04:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Quiet, ain't it?</b>

Well, I guess I've finally got time to sleep 12 hours, listen to music, clean my room, and be bummed about nothing nail-down-able.  I just feel like listening to sad songs and being useless for everything.  Blargh.  Is it possible to be content and sad all at the same time?  I guess so.  I feel completely rested, and calm, and man has it been a great day or two, doing only things that make me happy.  SO it pisses me off to feel llike something's wrong.  Maybe it's just wanting to take time and say the things I want to say, but feeling like I don't want to say where I'm going, even though I know where I'm going.  I know it's Madison.  I know I couldn't go to UGA and not regret turning down Wisconsin.  It's really stupid.  So there, it's out there and laughably nothing to be ashamed of. I just feel like I'm not supposed to make that decision yet.  Probably because it's so big.  SO freaking big.  And I personally asked to be responsible for the decision, and I wouldn't retract that ever.  But sometimes I feel like I don't know the whole picture and the whole story.  Lately I wonder alot, about what hasn't been said and what has.  

Wow, could my brain be any more ambiguous?  Well of course it could!

Anyway, There are a couple things I'm craving right now.  I'd like to make a list of all my most favorite songs ever. . . which is just plain frivilous, but it sounds like alot of fun.  I'd like to go out to dinner somwhere fun--but I know I'll get to go to Alice's party on Friday, and that sounds like so much fun. .  .I'm excited underneath the dourness.  I wish I could go get a movie, but I don't want to bug Sam all the time about going here or there.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/10/2003 03:29:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Back by popular demand. . . </b>

I think everyone has had to make a big decision at some time in their lives.  I mean, holy shit, if you haven’t had to make any big decisions by now. . . .what the heck are you doing?  You may or may not know that this 3rd interview, at Uwisconsin at Madison, was the last of the grad school interviews for me.  Big deal?  Yeah, it is.  But let’s get to the whole, monstrous account shall we?  Once again, likely a gigantic entry, but I’m tired, so we’ll see . . . .
<br>
<b>Physics isn’t really Phun, regardless of what they tell you.  Low notes.  My home, the airport.  Why not king-size it?</b>
So when I last made an entry, I had finished a lab report to turn in at midnight.  I really didn’t get much sleep, and had little fun at all in Physics lab the next morning.  Despite my ability to get A’s in calculus, I’m really slow and perhaps retarded when it comes to “math on the fly.”  Our lab was a very calculations-intensive lab, and I got so far behind my partner—which meant I got really frustrated—which meant I got even SLOWER because I was so flustered.  I was so tired already, and trying to explain to people that I really did understand what was going on and that I was just sloooow on getting the math done. . . . I wanted to cry.  I think my lab partner thinks I’m stupid, because I’m in regular physics this semester and I take so long all the time.  I want to yell and say NO I’m NOT STUPID!!! But you know, I am slow. . .oh well.  

I said something at lunch that hit Dave the wrong way, and ended up leaving for CAK with very few smiles and no I love you’s, which was really pretty horrible.  I thought talking with Sam would help, but while it cheered me up, I didn’t really feel any better.  

I got to the airport, ready to make the trip happen, and the first thing the airport clerk tells me is that my connecting flight to Pittsburgh has been cancelled.  To top it off, he doesn’t think I can get to Pittsburgh any other way but ground transportation.  Great.  He walks around helping people in the meantime, and I bang my head on the counter slowly.  Thankfully, when he comes back he realizes there’s a flight leaving at 6:30 that should get me there on time.  My original flight was to leave at 3:25PM.  So I sit around, and entertain myself as best I can with my Blood Dimmed Tides sourcebook, but I’m still bummed and also EXTREMELY tired.  I want to take a nap, but I’m too paranoid I’ll miss the flight.  I also get to experience the joy of buying [last minute] feminine products at the airport.  WOW, could this be more fun?  The 6:30 departure time rolls around, and our plane is nowhere in sight.  A clerk who’s obviously lost her voice whispers into the intercom that our plane will be here any minute. She’s right.  We make it on board the tiny turboprop, and I swear I make the shortest flight of my life.  We are up at cruising altitude for like, five minutes, and then we begin our descent.  Doing the math, I realize I have ten minutes to make it from my arrival gate on one side of Pittsburg Intl’ airport to my departure gate on another side.  I don’t recommend running in an airport.  Not only is it tiring, but you just feel more stressed doing it.  I had to dodge a roaming pack of teenage wheelchair enthusiasts—where the hell did they come from?  Oh well, my flight is delayed when I get there by about 45 minutes.  I ran all that way for nothing.   

But enough complaining.  I am lucky enough to have a professor come meet me at the airport—no taxi’s to worry about.  Dr. John Woods and I get along well.  Sometimes you can lock in to somebody’s brainwaves and feel comfortable around them, and I found that to be an easy thing with him.  This time round’ I’m staying a the Best Western InnTowner—and it’s across the street from a sushi place!  I take this as a good sign.  But the best sight in the world was my hotel room: a king sized-bed, and NO roommate to share it with.  Nice touch.  I fling myself onto that bed and just roll around for awhile, happy to be quiet, warm, and able to sleep.  But of course first I check out the cable, and discover I get free porn—some documentary on strip contests and sex classes or something.  I had to fight myself to go to bed.  
<br>
<b>Interview Day . . .need we say more?</b>
I get down to the lobby at 8:30 to meet the other 8 recruits for breakfast and a day of interviews.  At UW, I have 6 interviews slated for me in the day: 3 in the morning, 3 in the afternoon.  I consider myself a pro now, but admittedly I feel a bit lonely for the first half of the day.  I greet everyone with a big hello—and one girl greets me back with “Woooow.  You’re awfully. . .cheery.”  and not in a sarcastic way, which I could’ve respected.  Of course, immediately my brain is starting up the checklist of reasons not to like this person.  But oh well.  Everyone is a little detached. . . I don’t’ know, maybe we’re all still waking up or something, but I don’t feel much solidarity compared with the UGA recruits.  There are only 3 girls too, including me.  

Over we go to the biological sciences section of campus.  The weather is pretty much as yucky as Hiram, and I have to try really hard not to despair.  Crap, there’s a lot to cover here, but I’ll try to keep it short.  I meet my graduate student host, Charles, and he seems like a nice guy.  The day is spent partly feeling completely unadept at being social.  You know, like everything you say, you mean to be kind and funny and well-thought out, but you sound to yourself like somebody whose brain isn’t really in the right place at all.  You sound DUMB.  It’s the part of these visits I could really do without—getting used to everybody so I can just relax and not feel so inarticulate, so that people will stop crinkling their eyebrows when I talk.  

The whole department is awesome.  I expected that, of course.  Wisconsin has perhaps the top microbiology program in the nation.  Everyone is doing really interesting stuff—I’m starting to think that’s a given by now.  I didn’t feel on the same wavelength as some of the PI’s (Principle Investigators, who direct the research of their lab).  But I had a good time all of them.  The highlight of the day may have been interviewing with John Woods.  His lab has a Little Richard bobbly-head doll, outside in the hallways is an idol-like skeleton wearing a black cloak, a flower lei, and a chicken on its head.  In the office are bowls and bowls of candy—although the tootsie rolls are past their prime.  He has a little snowglobe with a picture of the microbe he works on, with the title “The Cause.”  If you turn the globe around, the other side reads “The effect” and has a picture of him drinking a beer.  

Naturally, this guy rules.  

I also get to go to the Pharmacology building to meet with Ben Shen—who does a multidisciplinary study of useful compounds bacteria can be engineered to produce.  His office overlooks lake Mendota, and his lab is gigantic. <I>So this is how the other half lives</I> I think to myself.  The pharmacology building is awesome (it has a little café called the Apothecafé).  

I’m starting to feel a bit more engaged in everything the longer I’m there.  I guess it just took some time to get comfortable with everyone, and also get comfortable with myself as a socializer.  Charles and I get more used to conversing with one another too, which is important—you come to depend a lot on student hosts.  In fact the evening’s entertainment options are organized by them.  There are a lot of options, but the majority of us opt for dinner at an Indian resteraunt, where I have Mutter paneer ( I think I did.  It had homemade cheese and green pea curry. . mmmm) and a mango lassi (mango yogurt drink, kindof like a smoothie).  DELICIOUS.  I get to hear all about the martial arts scene from one grad student, and yoga and dance classes from another—it looks like I’d have lots of options for recreation here.  And then it’s off to Essyn House.  

Maybe you’ve been to a German beer hall, maybe you haven’t.  Basically, it’s like being in a pub, with a polka band, and everyone is extremely happy and drunk.  At the Essyn House, all the guys working their have to wear lederhosen, which rules a lot.  And then there are the boots. . . . big glass boots which can hold several liters of your beer of choice.  Apparently, you must pass the boot around the table, not letting it touch the table.  You flick the edge of it with your finger, take a swig, and flick it again—then pass it to the next person.  Sounds simple, but when the boot is nearly drained, you must attempt to finish it, or pay for the next boot.  Also, depending on how you hold the boot, a bubble may form at the toe and blub up to splash you in the face.  Wearing beer goggles takes on a whole new meaning when you can’t clean the stuff off your glasses, let me tell you.  I start off not wanting to participate in this, but I feel guilty after awhile—and after a glass of Bitburger Pilsner.  At one point, I look up from the boot to see Charles cheering “HEY!  THAT’S MY RECRUIT!!!”  We made’m all proud, and on the faculty slush fund.  By the end of the evening, our group has consumed more beer per recruit than any other recruiting weekend that year (there had been two before us).  Much later, I get back to my room and pass out—tomorrow is another day, but the hardest part (the interviews) are over.  
<br>
<b>Ask your local Grad student.  Driving tours & sweet apartments.  State Street.</b>
Still didn’t get much sleep (more TV-MA rated movies on), but I get myself down for a presentation on the micro program.  The offer is definitely sweet.  Full tuition waver, yearly stipend of 21,000 (the 2nd highest offer was from Loyola, with 20,000).  Health care equal to one HMO (I don’t know exactly what this means, but it sounds good).  I mean, jesus Christ, the program is awesome and the pay I awesome.  I also did some research the day before, and found lots of weird things in Madison that made me excited, like a local chapter of the <a href="https://www.angelfire.com/wi/madisonhash/">Hash House Harriers</a>.  The student panel is good stuff, learning about where to rent, and about the local beer festivals, brat festivals, kites on ice. . . .so much stuff to do!  

Then we all pack into cars to go driving tours of Madison—and of course it starts snowing like a mofo.  You know, I was worried about the weather, but it’s pretty much just like Ohio weather—which admittedly I don’t care for, but it’s tolerable until spring get’s around to showing up.  Driving around, it becomes obvious that there are about a million places to rent in Madison, from part of an old house near campus to gigantic apartment complexes in the immediate countryside—which is like, ten minutes away.  We get to peek inside one grad student’s home: a 2 bedroom apartment out in the west part of Madison.  Our little recruit jaws just dropped to the wall-to-wall carpeted floor.  He had a big kitchen, a living room with vaulted ceiling, balcony, and fireplace.  The bathtub has JETS in it.  It costs him about $500 to rent—he and his roommate share the 1000 rent.  They also have surround sound, and a DVD player.  Uh, yeah, I could live here. . . . .

The troops rally back at the hotel again, and we all decide that walking around State Street would be fun, despite the snow.  First stop: Student Union for “the best ice-cream on earth” according to one grad student.  Yeah right, I think.  How good can ice-cream be?  

Hah.  It was the most awesome coffee-truffle ice cream ever.  

Smooth, and buttery, and FULL OF GOODNESS.  Or perhaps full of butterfat, but who cares?  It was the most delicious ice-cream, better even than the stuff in Germany.  Speaking of which, we sit down with our prized ice-cream in the Rathskeller.  It’s part of the student union, made completely of stonework and brick, with a roaring fire (no malt beer till sundown) and basically the whole place oozes cool-german-beerhall-ness.  We all picked up booklets describing all the cool minicourses you can take through the student  union.  Want to learn to be a Private Eye?  Get better at playing pool?  Make seagrass baskets?  Track cougars?  You can do it all here!  

Off to wander State Street—the main drag of Madison, with Uwisconsin at one end of it, and the capitol building at the other.  Mmmmmm. . . . at least 3 used book stores, 1 used music store, 2 GAMING STORES, a feminist bookshop (I just had to put it on the list), a Land’s End Not Quite Perfect outlet store, tons of café’s, an adult bookstore, recording studios, so many weird eclectic stuff that doesn’t fit anywhere, and even a JAMBA JUICE.  I almost asked for acceptance papers to sign then and there, because Jamba Juices were one of my vices and joys during my stay in Honolulu.  It takes a lot of effort to reel in my enthusiasm for yelling out store names.  Mainly, I have to use my imagination on State Street, to wipe away the snow and ice, make the sky bluer and the trees greener.  Because the main trouble I’m having is my lust for spring and how springy UGA was.  I think it’s a turning point for a couple of recruits. . .I could see them nodding their heads and smiling.  . . .I go back to the hotel and watch most of “Terms of Endearment” and realize that Jack Nicholson is perhaps the sexiest old guy ever, not because he’s good looking, but because of something. . . indescribable.  I feel weirded out, but sad I didn’t get to finish the movie.
<br>
<b>Pot Luck Dinner.  Free Sip n’ Steins for Everyone</b>

Evening comes, and with it the potluck dinner at a faculty member’s house.  Apparently this is one of the many bragging rights a person in the department can accrue during recruitment weekend: faculty members compare the amount of recruits that accept offer to who was hosting the potluck dinner that weekend.  It’s fun—and there’s sushi—but it’s always hard to socialize with people you barely know.  I don’t think I’ll ever find this thrilling.  It’s there that I meet a professor who just moved her lab from UGA to Wisconsin.  We talk for a little while, and she sums up her opinion like this: She’d rather live in Athens—the weather is much nicer—but she’d rather be doing science here.  It’s more helpful info than I think she’ll ever realize, because it’s how I’m feeling.  

Heavy with thoughts, I make my way back to the hotel again—because it’s time to gather for a trip to the Rathskeller again for beer and pool and live music.  It’s thankfully non-smoking, because I’ve talked so much the whole weekend that my throat is starting to feel like raw hamburger.  Inside the beer hall, they’ve turned the lights down low, except a few orangish lights where the ceiling arches down into pillars.  Our grad student head-honcho buys the last nine plastic sip-n-steins for us—they’re like those portable plastic insulated mugs you can get, but you can get discounts on sodas, coffee, and beer with em’; this is totally sweet.  I just sit myself down at the big wooden table where the group has settled in, and I talk to two lovely grad students, and I get a kick out of how we all have long brown hair, glasses, and great voices.  I feel cool in my own special, demented way.  There are TONS of great opportunities for people watching, including a bouncer by the bar who looks like a Rider of Rohan in a black t-shirt.  I wouldn’t start anything, man.  The jazz band Doc Watson is playing some groovy music, and there are crowds swaying and spinning around the stage, enthralled.  Near one corner, a middle-aged couple is breaking it down something fierce.  The lady had soft white hair, and she calmly danced about with her dress flowing around everywhere.  The gentleman had wild curly grey hair, and he was leaping and twisting and grooving.  They’d come together and sway every once in a while—like they were the only ones dancing anywhere in the world.  It made me really happy, because they didn’t care that everyone else in the room was 20 years younger.  I had a lot of good conversations that night, drinking hard cider from my sippee cup.  

Oh heck, the rest of this is all about me getting home without a hitch and my parents picking me up.  We talked for a long time about my visit, and I’m pretty sure they think I’m going to Madison.  I’m pretty sure, after looking this over, that’s what I’d think about me too.  

It’s just a huge decision is all.  I don’t want to make the day after I go there.  I don’t want to say it yet, so please try to bear with me . . .      :)  


<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/06/2003 06:20:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Grad School Interviews: Round III</b>

Well, another thursday where I rush around all day like a crazy thing and then fly off to some grad school for interviews, fine dining, and interesting folks.  That, and I think I get the best sleep on these things, because I don't take any homework with me.  I've been going on 3-4 hours of sleep for the third night in a row.  According to Neuroscience, the effects of total sleep deprivation don't show till the 3rd day, but of course I did get some sleep so maybe I'll be ok?

I'm looking forward to visiting Madison, WI--but at the same time this whole process has lost that edge of adreniline.  I just want to be done, actually.  And I'm nervous, because this micro department is HUGE, and I worry terribly that they'll be dissapointed with me.  I know I shouldn't care about that, but it's part of why I stick with biology--I have to learn confidence in myself to survive, so I will have challenging work foreva'!  Prudy recommended a beer parlor on lake mendota to go visit--isn't it amazing there are places called "beer parlors"?    So I'll try to go there as a sort of pilgrimage, although my main goal is just to see as much as I can without freezing my little booty off.   We'll see. . . .

I need to get better sleep.  I got my lab for physics done, right on the dot of midnight (when it's due).  Not how I'd like to live my life, but hell, all my work is done and caught up for the time being.  But my dreams are still disturbing.  This time somebody was saying mean things about Dave right in front of my face, and I was so mad at myself for not ripping them a new one.  Instead I just ran away, but the same rude people ended up being there too.  I couldn't get a away.  But I feel better now that I'm awake again.  

OFF TO THE EVEN MORE FROZEN WASTELANDS!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/04/2003 01:29:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Recipe for Amber's Morning</b>

Take four hours of sleep, and to it add:

1 poorly written brain lesion study proposal
1 hazelnut mocha 
1 undercooked blueberry muffin
2 hours of baby chicks cheeeping

Place in Bates Hall to chill!  There you go, my morning, in a couple easy steps.  That's right, the hell week has begun, and I was up till 3AM last night working a proposal of lesioning the amygdala in the brain--and right around 3AM I realized I was probably supposed to focus on the Hippocampus instead.    Oh hell.  Obviously, you reach a point in the night were you simply stop caring.  

Good quote for the day from today's episode of The Outer Limits: "Moonstone"

Lady scientist: "Isn't it maddenly mysterious?"
Guy scientist: "yes. . just like a woman scientist."

coool. . . . I'm really craving a bad movie right now.  Preferrably something MST3K-able.  Or even a fun horror movie.  I need a break.  
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 3/03/2003 08:40:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Never goin' back again</b>

<i>She broke down and let me in
Made me see where I've been

Been down one time
Been down two times
I'm never going back again

You don't know what it means to win
Come down and see me again

Been down one time
Been down two times
I'm never going back again</i>
--Fleetwood Mac (Never Going Back Again)--

HAH!  Maybe you thought I only quote song lyrics when I'm depressed?  HAH!  I've just been thinking about how the year has really come full circle, and February is already gone.  I just woke up from a freaking WEIRD dream.  What was it about?  Well, I can't drag you through the nitty gritty of my dreams--you wouldn't be happy.  But let's just say I learned a couple things:

1.  You don't need to apologize to a mommy dog for taking her puppy away--she won't listen.
2.  If a couple offers you 100 bucks to join them in their bed, ask yourself first: Is this a trick?  And maybe don't hop in while the other one is in the shower.
3.  If you can convince yourself that you are Buffy The Vampire Slayer, you can bitch out ANYONE.  
4.  Finally: Baby mummies are nothing to be afraid of, and NO Amber, giant spiders are not trying to eat your gecko.

See?  Aren't you glad I didn't give you the full story?  I woke up feeling really awesome about yelling at someone and also destroying baby mummies, but then slowly it got to disturb me a little bit.  Like, what the fuck does this dream mean?  Anything?  Oh well.  

This should be an *interesting* week.  I have a design-a-study paper due tomorrow in Neuroscience--where I'll discuss how we'll lesion my poor rat's brain :(  Tuesday I'm also supposed to have worked on my APEX, so I have to make that happen as well.  Wednesday, my physics formal lab write-up and my immunology take-home exam are due (but fortunately the take-home exam is almost done right now).  Then Thursday it's off to UWisconsin!  Then Mom and Dad will pick me up on Sunday and we'll have some good fun.  Spring break follows, and with it TONS of work, but at least no classes. 

After that's all over. . . well, hopefully I will have decided where to go for grad school.  And my APEX hopefully will be done.  . . . after turning in a rough draft to Prudy, I got this back from her: 

"Yup! It's a rough draft.  But, good for you to have gotten something down."

Gee. . .thanks :)

Where's my vacation?  
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/27/2003 07:10:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Maybe procrastinating isn't so bad. .. </b>

Yeah right.  HAH!  Procrastinating isn't really ever good, and yet for so many of us, it is inescapable.  I didn't do any work yesterday. . .NOT ANY.  I had a whole evening. . . roughly 5 open hours to do work, and I didn't do anything.  Ok, so I cleaned my room, finally.  I also did my laundry--which admittedly needed to happen, considering how much of it smells of the smokey bars.  I stared at the internet until my eyes hurt.  And so I went to sleep with the creeping feeling of impending doom.

And then I dreamt of the scary clown(you know, the <a href="http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Cinema/2636/pic-coll1/it-pic2.jpg">Tim Curry </a>one?), and woke up at 4AM wanting to go to the bathroom but afraid to step off my bed.  I hate that.  It's that frame of mind where you know if you get yourself awake enough you wont' be scared anymore, but it takes forever and you are afraid to even breathe hard.  I love Stephen Kings "It"--nothing captures that inexplicable fear of anything that you can only (hah only?) have as a child.  There are some horror movies you can watch and not be scared.  They are like the beer of horror films.  Take almost any vampire movie, for instance.  Or really bad B-movies, which are more hilarious than scary.  But then there's the harder stuff. .. like "It" or "Blair Witch Project" or "House on a Haunted Hill" (minus the last 30 minutes on that one), or "Signs" (which despite being ill-thought out, had me up three mornings in a row at 5AM afraid there were aliens in the house) that scare you so much you know you should turn off the VCR, but it's so good you just can't.  And then when it's over, oh-ho boy do you regret it.  But I've read "It" 3 times through, and usually when I dream of ole' Pennywise the Clown it means I should read it again.  But no, it's like, more than 1000 pages. .. . 

Anyway, I didnt' get especially good sleep.  And so I napped in my warm, sunny room after lunch, and that was nice.  And after dinner I went out for Beer and Pizza with Dave, Corey, and Jason.  You know, I tried to get Dave to promise they wouldn't bury me in computer talk, but I knew there was no stopping it.  I don't really mind though, because I know microbiologists are the same way.  Everybody likes to talk shop from time to time.

I then went off to the radio station to help finish up some planning and cleaning of the studio.  We had a good time, getting high off fruity markers and the Murphy's Oil Soap that Sean spilled over everything. . . it was good times.  But I broke the knee in my pants, and now i feel like a punk with a big hole in my jeans. .. . 

And now, I actually feel ready to work, so maybe it was good that I took a break.  Maybe.  But I'm still not happy about it :)

 <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/26/2003 11:27:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href="http://guests.nakkidnerds.com/"></a><a href="http://guests.nakkidnerds.com/, "></a><b>On Internet Porn</b>

I realize that some people who read my journal aren’t really interested in the smut of the internet, so I’d just like to let you know that this is what the rant’s about, so maybe you can just skip this one? 

I'm going to just admit that I'm an avid fan of Internet porn.  Not like that's a big shocking thing—the majority of college students I know are interested in it in one way or another--it's just that I'm still working on being open and honest, and not getting so tied up in what people will think about me.  I want to share my thoughts on the matter, because really it’s changed my life.  Seriously.  

I will admit that some of the stuff on the net isn’t so redeeming or even healthy.  Anybody who’s visited sites with vore, snuff, and rebirthing can attest to this. . . that’s kindof touch & go. . .you could get something entertaining like cat girls getting eaten by a dragon, or something less appealing, like a human bar-b-que.  Giantesses crushing tiny humans into pudding, random shit like that (good examples of cartoon versions of this are at www.mamabliss.com, but I’ll warn you it’s weird shit).  

But I’m getting off topic.  I just wanted to say how thankful I am for truly good internet smut, and that when/if I have little Amberspawn of my own, I’m not going to worry about them happening across it.  I mean, I see the stuff we’re bombarded with day in and day out in the PG through R-rated universe.  Most of the beautiful people are all the same kind of beautiful.  For one thing, nerdy girls don’t get their due glory.  I’ve grown up feeling too pale, too curvy, not girly enough—and especially more cute & awkward than sexy.  Also I’ve felt like some sort of lecherous weirdo for being so damn curious about all things sex-related.  I feel weird every time I say “sex,” even now!  But the internet is a wonderous place.  I found <a href="http://www.femmerotic.com/photo.html">Heather Corrina’s </a>site.  She’s totally sexy, and she’s 5’3”, 140 lbs, and measures 38-30-40.  I found <a href="http://guests.nakkidnerds.com/">Nakkid Nerds</a>, which makes me feel like maybe I ain’t so bad.  You CAN wear glasses, be pale, and be delectable.  I can find images of what’s attractive that I can actually identify with, you know?  And I think everyone has the right to feel sexy, to seek out what makes them so, and celebrate it all over the place.  

In Hollywood and the Networks, there typically isn’t much depiction of a healthy relationship in or out of the bedroom—there are exceptions of course, but still.   All over the internet you can find amateurs and couples and who knows who else having sex and not ashamed of it.  And so often in the "real world" people seem so afraid of sex.  It’s got this crazy mystique, and sometimes this can lead to unhealthy things.  I watched the movie “Porn and Chicken” and I thought, wow, wouldn’t it be great if we that club on our campus?  Sex is fun, porn is fun, and I wish, in this world, that we could all be more open about it all.  I mean, think about it!  It’s a whole part of life—and a really wonderful part--that so many people neglect.  I know some people aren’t interested in it, and I fully respect that.  But you shouldn’t have to feel deviant for wanting to talk/think/explore the topic. You shouldn’t have to be drunk to talk about it with friends.   If it weren’t for sex, none of us would be here—it’s clichéd but true.  


<CENTER><TABLE STYLE="margin:0px 80px 0px 80px; border:none;"><TR><TD STYLE="border:solid #005500 3px; background-color:#002200; padding:10px; text-align:center; color:#00ff00; font:x-large Terminal,Lucida Console,Monospace;">The haxor handle of <I>Amber Pollack</I> is "<B>Sh@rp&nbsp;Angel</B>".</TD></TR></TABLE></CENTER>
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/25/2003 02:57:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div></b>Going where the sun be shinin’</b>

Well, I’m one day removed from when I probably should have written this entry. . . I was tired and yet still had to study for a test yesterday.  Once again, I’ll say ahead of time that this will likely be a gigantic entry, so no bitchin’ if your eyes get tired.  Detailed here is the account of my trip to University of Georgia for the Microbiology dept. grad student recruitment weekend.  . . 

<br>
<b> When we last left Amber. . </b>
Yes, when we last left Amber, she was freaking out about all the crazy stuff she wanted to get done before hopping on a plane to Georgia.  Let’s just say it all got taken care of.  While I was worried that I wouldn’t get done with my lab before 11:30—which was when I wanted to eat lunch to leave for Canton-Akron Airport (CAK) to make it there on time—I got out of lab early, so all was well.  Ate lunch with Dave and Sam, left for CAK in the Cak-mobile with Sam and company.  Yahoo maps of course gave us much longer directions then we needed, but I still made it there in plenty of time—CAK is NOT a busy airport, and security was a breeze.  Before I knew it I was on a plane and off for Georgia.  I slept most of the time, but I woke up while we were flying over West Virginia, and got to see some of those lovely hills from my window seat.  
<br>
<b>Arriving at Atlanta Intl’ Airport, meeting my first UGA professor, and too much socializing</b>
An hour and a half later, I was at the Atlanta Airport.  The flight attendant greets me with “Oh she’s awake!”  I sure hope so.  It’s a looooong airport, and baggage claim is a far walk from my gate.  But that’s ok.  The little trains are packed, so I walk on the moving sidewalks all the way back, a walk that is really quite pleasant and reviving.  I was told that Ellen, a professor at UGA would be waiting for me at the top of the escalator.  After a ten-minute walk, I found her looking concerned and a little confused.  I got right up beside her before she saw me, but greeted me with a smile once I introduced myself.  We hop in the car and start the hour drive to Athens.  Thankfully, she’s talkative enough that I don’t have to fish for conversation—something I am loathe to do.  I’ve got to say, the traffic in Atlanta is amazing: in that it is packed all the way back to the airport.  But we get to take the express lane, since apparently two people in a car counts as a high-occupancy vehicle.  Zoom!  off we go!  

We get in Athens at nightfall, so I don’t see much, and what I do see is suburban.  I’m starting to wonder if this place is as big as people claim, but mainly I’m focused on navigating (once again!) to Anna Karls’ House, for the big “Faculty, Student, and Prospective Student Mixer”

Emphasis on the word “big”

I walk in the door, and all around me are strangers crowded into small house.  I’m talking way more than 40 people.  And I don’t know any of them.  And what’s even better, they give us nametags, but they don’t tell you who’s a student and who’s a prospective. . . I think they did it on purpose, but it leads to awkward situations when you guess someone is a prospective and they aren’t, or vice versa.  So I don’t know anybody, I don’t’ know who my fellow prospective are, I’m tired, and hungry.  Almost immediately, I meet my roommate: Sabrina from Florida and also Trinidad.  She’s really nice and has a neat accent like having a cold but being happy about it.  Eventually, I chat with a bunch of male professors, and confess to another professor that I’m not extremely social, only to have someone come up minutes later to tell her how good I am at socializing.  So maybe I don’t suck in these situations?  Who knows?  I bail out early, get a ride back to the Georgia Center, and fall asleep watching the Michael Jackson Special at 10PM.

<br>
<b>Interview Day One: Info, Tours, Talks, and Food Galore</b>
My day starts bright an early at 6:30AM—I have to take a shower and breakfast is at 8AM.  Down in the lobby, I wander around and locate the other students.  Some greetings.  I decide to stop clinging to my roommate’s side and sit with some other girls.  They’re both rather quiet, and I think their names were Laura and Elizabeth.  They are both tall and thinnish, both with glasses, long hair, pale skin. . . . and they have these low, serious voices.  One is a master’s student, and the other is finishing work up at the CDC—the CDC for fucking sake!  I get a little knot in my stomach as this impresses the hell out of me, and I realize this group IS more competitive than the one at Loyola.  I won’t be a hotshot here.  But I chill and we all ask eachother the requisite questions: 

1)	What other schools are you applying to?  
2)	Have you done any research?
3)	What made you choose UGA?
4)	Have you been to Georgia/THE SOUTH before?

Seriously.  I’ll hear these questions many many times before the weekend is through.  Some professor comes and sits with us, and they (not me) begin talking shop about science and research and all I can think is: it’s too goddamned early in the morning for science.  And they talk science better than I can.  I feel like everything I say is dull and confusing. . . .yuck.

Then it’s off to the Biological Sciences Building.  I meet my grad student guide, Jeff, who works in Eric Stabb’s lab: Eric works on Vibrio fischeri, that bacteria I’m a fan of.  Jeff is cool, and so I’m relieved.  Ironically he’s from University of Wisconsin at Madison.  As is, apparently, half the microbiology department.  .  .but I digress

One of the faculty members gives us the layout of the program—less coursework and more teaching than at Loyola, decent pay, decent fees for everything. . .ok, so far so good!  

The day goes basically like this: I visit two professors in the morning, have lunch, and visit two more professors in the afternoon, and go on a little campus tour as well.  MUCH more relaxed than  Loyola.  I meet a guy who was HEAD of the CDC branch of parasitology, who goes regularly to Kenya to work on a tiny parasite called Schistisomiasis.  Eric is totally cool, relaxed, and funny, and I like his grad students tremendously—their lab overlooks the football stadium.  

Lunch is delicious: I have Louisiana Seafood Cakes with a tasty mustard sauce and Sweet Tea to drink (In honor of my Georgian roommate, Kat).  It is as lunch that I meet Patrick, who has to be a direct clone of my friend Chewie, although a bit heavier than him.  I’ll pretend I have a familiar face to work with now.  
The afternoon interviews go well too: I meet a lady doing cool work on Marine Microbes, and another who studies fermentation, biotechnology, and the gut microflora of stream invertebrates.  All totally cool stuff, and everyone is nice.  They talk a lot more about their research here at UGA, as compared to the faculty at Loyola.  

Then we all hop in a 15-person van to go on a guided tour of UGA.  Our tourguides are. . . interesting.  First off, they’re underclassmen.  Secondly, the one who does most of the guiding, a blocky little surferish dude, is a sophomore finance major—the most scientific words to come out of his mouth are “Double Helix Thingy.”  He also tells us which bars he frequents—interesting since he’s not even close to 21.  But that’s ok J.  

Originally, UGA was going to be built in Watkinsville, GA.  However, the founding fathers thought it unacceptable to put their institution in a town which had a bar; a bar where women showed their ankles no less!  So they settled on a piece of pastureland and named it Athens.  You can still see the wrought-iron fences built to keep the livestock off campus.  The irony is that Watkinsville is now a dry town, and Athens is . . .. Not?  The campus is rather big—ok, bigger than Hiram at least—and the whole terrain is rather hilly, which I like.  The trees are already starting to burst into pink blossoms, and there are daffodils and crocuses and forsythia blooming.  I’m trying really hard not to let my cravings for spring sway my impressions too much, which is hard to accomplish when it’s currently snowing and freezing in Hiram.  

We recruits are given a good amount of time to rest before dinner, which is at 6:30PM.  We gather in the lobby at 6:00PM, and have a fantastic time, finding out where everyone hails from, what they’re doing here, what kind of research they’ve been doing. We get the gossip on what our interviewers were like.  We each share our all-time favorite microbe, with answers ranging from my Vibrio fischeri, to Gonorrhea, to Sacchromyces cerviscea (my horrific spelling of “yeast”), Borrelia burgdorfi (lyme disease), and that workhorse of the lab, E.coli.  It’s a great moment in my life, sitting with all these people who love microbes too, who have the same kinds of passions and experiences.  I also locate the fellow gamers in the group, and we plan to find the gaming store later on.  
<br>
<b>Dinner, Migraines, and the Night life of Athens</b>
We make our way to the dining room of the conference center, and are immediately divided up to different tables, evenly distributed so that we can have some faculty and grad students at each table.  Two guys from a department other than microbiology are there, and they try to tempt me to come do research in their lab, although they are specifically there to recruit the two OSU kids, Theresa and Brian.  Some of the faculty, I’m discovering, aren’t very good at social situations, and kindof sit and look uncomfortable at social events.  I vow to at least pretend to be comfortable, even if I’m despising small talk.  I’ll give myself credit for at least being able to look extremely interested in things when I’m not.  Also at my table is a girl who’s stayed pretty quiet during the whole visit, never saying much of anything, never making eye contact, and generally remaining reclusive.  We have to listen to two 40 minute talks before they’ll let us eat dinner, which would be ok, since we are allowed to eat the rolls they’ve put out.  But as I look at the slides, I realize I can’t see a quarter of the screen well out of my right eye.  At first I figure it’s the blindspot we’ve been taught about in Neuroscience, but soon I realize this blindspot is in creasing in size and brightness.  If anyone has ever had a migraine before, they may know what I’m talking about.  It’s like if you close your eye and apply pressure to your eyelid—you’ll see undulating lights.  That’s what I see even with my eyes open, and I fight off nausea and pain to make it through dinner.  The quiet girl gives me two ibuprofen, and I am relieved to feel the pain subsiding, as I get ready to go out for the evening. 

For an evening out bar-hopping, I decide to change out of my rigid pinstripe pants and black turtleneck and go with comfy jeans, my black Lenore t-shirt, and my girly little red shirt with puffy sleeves that hooks in the front.  And of course let my hair down.  Ahhh.  True to geek form, Brian—who has been wearing a knit cap and jeans all day—is pysched that I have a Lenore t-shirt.  I guess I pass the cool test for now.  

After some arrangements are made, the grad students each take some of us and we head to downtown Athens.  I’m sharing Greg’s car with Bhijal, who is from New York somewhere, but has been working in one of the labs at UGA for about a year.  We park the car, and make our way to the main strip.   It’s packed with a mostly young crowd—in all stages of dress from evening gowns down to corduroys.  The streets are full of people, the air is warm, and there are lights and signs everywhere inviting us in.  . . Greg leads us down the street, and we turn off into a dark alley taken out of any comic book / Law and Order episode you like.  I’m just starting to get concerned as we make it to a door with a neon sign above it: 

“Nowhere Bar”

Apparently, Nowhere Bar is where the “townies” hang out mostly, and so there’s a big mix of ages ranging from 20’s to 50’s in the bar.  Bhijal buys the first pitcher with his chosen beer, Sierra Nevada.  We sit down with a girl named Franny and her cousin.  I have no idea why we were sitting with them, but I do remember that  Franny does most of the talking.   She’s some sort of probational officer, and she smokes a lot.  But I like her, because despite the attitude she’s really nice and doesn’t treat us like freaks for being prospective grad students.  Erin (another prospective chica, who matches me in height), Bhijal, and myself go around the wall to the pool hall, and those two play pool since I refuse to embarrass myself this way.  They play doubles against an obviously better duo, but we still have a fine time laughing and acting “cool.”  Soon, it’s off to the next bar. . . 

“City Bar”
This place is far more upscale.  If you could call Nowhere Bar a countryish, down-home kindof place, City Bar is infinitely more dark and sleek, and the clientele is well-dressed and groomed.  Erin and I buy Coronas, and make a mess trying to flip over the bottles to that the lime floats up to the bottom of the bottle.  We get tired of that and go off to “Classic Bar” (what names!) which is playing LOUD music and is packed—by now it’s prime drinking time apparently.  We head downstairs, stand around for awhile, and realize it’s waaay too packed.  A group of us egress and make our way to the final destination: 

“The Village Idiot” (formerly known as Rumrunners)
This place is tiny, tiny, tiny.  But it’s clean, and relatively empty.  The bartenders are these two cute ladies, one altnernativey blond chick with spiky hair, and the other rave-y sort of asian chick.  I am on a mission to try Sweetwater Blue, which Greg claims is a local brew which tastes like blueberries.  They don’t have it, so I try to get Labatts, but end up with Bass.  Bass has a sort of meaty, yeasty undertone, but I actually end up liking it too.  We (Greg, Brian, Theresa, Bhijal, and Alexia and probably more) head upstairs to the tables which overlook the downstairs.  Alexia (or Alexis, or Alexandria, or something like that) is apparently the daughter of a famous science fiction illustrator, and she’s absolutely smashingly pretty, complete with blond hair and manicure.  I’m envious!  Theresa, Brian, and Alexia have been doing shots and drinking for most of the night, and so they make quite a little group.  Theresa, like Alexia, is tall and thin, but she has light red hair instead of blonde—and they both tower a bit over Brian.  Theresa—who is rather smashed by this point,  is convinced she has “Lesbian” written on her forehead, and regales us with her harrowing account of escape from a girl who was hitting on her.  The poor girl had apparently invited Theresa over, and once there was trying to apply lip balm to T’s lips with a Q-tip.  Backed into a corner by the girl, Theresa grabbed the q-tip and stuck it in the girl’s nose, and ran away.  That was her big story for the evening.  And soon after, we all return home, to fall asleep at 2AM—breakfast is at 8:45 AM.  

<b>Interview Day Two: Poster Sessions & A sunny afternoon in Athens</b>

Ok, I really don’t feel like talking much about the poster session.  I have opted to dress all in black, for some reason, but feel cool for doing so.  Almost everyone else has given up dressing nicely for the weekend, but I hold on just a little bit longer.  We all walk around and check out the research that’s going on in everyone’s labs—presented in poster form.  I get to talk with Dr. Weigel, who is a german studying thermophillic bacteria (bacteria that live at high temperatures), and also to Dr. Denny, from the botany dept. I think, trying to recruit students to his lab.  

As soon as possible, I changed to jeans and Brian, Theresa, and I made up the Ohio Contingent in Grad Student Dawn’s car, as we drove through some apartment complexes and chatted about life in Athens.  Rent is cheap, and it seems like you’re better off living a bit out of campus area.  Brian seems very disgruntled about this idea, because he digs walking everywhere.  Hey, I can dig it.  We head downtown to meet up with James (another grad student) for lunch; we pick up Alexia on the way.  The resteraunt we settle on is “Clocked” which is a cute, tiny diner place.  The lights are covered in cotton balls and silk flowers—they look like flowery clouds hanging from the ceiling.  Everything seems to have that coffee shop feel about it—crafty and original.  I get a Great Meteor Burger, which comes with bacon and feta cheese. .. yummmmmmmm!!

We then start our wandering of Athens during the day.  We go to a used music store, and a comic book store, and a crazy miscellaneous store which had everything from wigs and rental costumes to hello kitty stuff, to books on growing mushrooms.  On that lovely, sunny day, we don’t even have to wear coats, and there are people everywhere still.  Hippies, yuppies, Goths, kids that looked like they belong in Weezer. . . . all kinds of people.  Even Bathrobe Billy, who is a campus character for his continual wearing of a bathrobe.  In the end, we’re sitting at table outdoors of the café Blue Sky, sipping mochas and coffees.  
<br>
During the day’s travels, I was able to acquire the location of the nearest gaming store from the proprietor of Wuxtry’s Comic Book Store.  Brian and I make a pilgrimage to the little shop, which is a couple minute’s walk from the Georgia Center.  The guy who runs the place looks grumpy, and has a gigantic grey beard and long hair to match.  My kind of people, I say.  His store was mainly a book-based gaming store, filled with White Wolf, D&D, and other goodies.  I decided to treat myself to a copy of “Blood-Dimmed Tides,” a sourcebook for ocean campaigns in White Wolf.  It rules.  Brian was disappointed that there weren’t more figurine-based games, and I had to stifle any wise-ass comments about that.  Having scoped out the game store scene in Athens, I was satisfied.

<br>
<b>One last evening in the classical City: Dinner, beer, and beer</b>
The entire group met up in the lobby again—dinner was going to be out on the town and organized by the grad students.  Eventually we decided to go to Wild Wings—which of course sold chicken wings.  Ironically, no one bought any.  I got a delicious “terrific Thai Chicken Salad” which had a tasty peanut-sauce dressing.  The place was cavernously huge, like a mead hall.  Our Chandler-Bing-Lookalike prospective student Matt was compulsively wiping the tables.  Then it was time to move again. . . off to a party thrown by the Men’s Rugby team, because free beer would be there, and apparently Uptown bar—where most of the group was headed—was full of underage drinkers and some of us were persuaded to try elsewheres.

Have you ever been to a party thrown by a Rugby team?  I hadn’t, obviously.  The place wasn’t packed, but there was indeed free beer.  The bar was long instead of wide, and we were at the entrance side, while the bulk of the party was at the back end of the bar, surrounding a spiral staircase.  On that spiral staircase was one blitzed rugby player, leading the crowd in a drinking song.  I’ve included a link to one of the best ones: http://www.uidaho.edu/clubs/womens_rugby/RugbyRoot/rugby/Songs/park.html

The crowd was wild and the guy practically fell off the staircase several times during his bouts of screaming and thrusting around.  I felt like Dave Atell on Insomniac Hour, moving from bar to bar and seeing all kinds of craaaazy shit. But we got bored soon and reunited with the crew at Uptown Bar—which seemed, to me, to be a really nice place which looked more like a saloon than a typical bar.  I decided to take Bhijal’s advice and get a NewCastle beer.  It was a brown ale and tasted a bit like brown bread, but in a tasty way, yarrr.  By this time, Erin, my drinking partner in crime, and I were pretty buzzed, so we cut ourselves off and just acted silly. 

Soon it was time to move again, and our final destination was La Cinta, I believe.  This place had a central bar and lots of tables.  Moderately crowded.  Erin and I took to the bathroom together, which was good since some smiley creepy guy kept coming back to check on us.  The girls in line for the bathroom were nice though—I got a true sense of comradery from them, despite our obvious tipsy-ness.  I wanted to hug everyone.  Erin, Matt, and myself formed a contingent to go home right then and there, because it was already 1AM.  Chewie-Clone Patrick was ready to call it a night too, so that’s just what we did.  Drunk for the second night in a row, I made it home and fell sound asleep.

Early, early in the morning, Dr. Karls picked us up to take us to the airport.  Dr. Anna Karls is from the south, and her accent is soft.  I had joked last night that one of us was going to have to sit shotgun with her and keep her company during the trip. . . and apparently that someone was going to be me.  It was nice though—it’s so nice to be able to chat with professors as if they weren’t your teachers.  They are interesting people, no doubt.  

And before I knew it, I was home, in the frozen north.

What do I think about UGA?  I loved it.  Hands down.  I wanted more time to roam around the streets and check out everything.  I wanted there to be leaves on the trees.  It was spring there. landscaping was dense and wild  Everyone was really nice, the research was fascinating, the buildings were really nice, the downtown was a wonderland of people and shops and restaurants . . . . and of course there were the bars.  It’s not the drinking that made them great, it was the chance to be out on a warm night surrounded by young people, with bartenders to take care of you and music to keep your spirits up.  It seemed like a safe place to have a good time, and really be young while you still can.  And that certainly doesn’t seem like a bad thing.  . . . 

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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/25/2003 10:51:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Coming soon to a blog near you. . .</b>

<i>Amber visits the South!  Meet the strange denizens of UGA!  Bar Hopping!  Rugby Songs!  Smart people who love microbes!  </i>

I swear I'll have the entry done before dinner this evening, so keep an eye out if you care to ;)

<img src="http://quizilla.com/user_images/D/daddysgirl/1038272052_PicsOcean2.jpg" border="0" alt="Ocean2"><br>You come from the Ocean.  You've always been drawn<br>to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal<br>blue water, near the sea is where you belong.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/daddysgirl/quizzes/Where%20Did%20Your%20Soul%20Originate%3F/"> <font size="-1">Where Did Your Soul Originate?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/19/2003 08:17:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Homework, Apologies,another day at the Airport, and dreamings</b>

"I mean, the human brain is a MARVELOUS thing!  It begins working the day you are born, and it doesn't stop working until the day you need to take a test"
--Larry Becker, Physics Professor--

"I'll try to get that next problem set out to you by friday, so you can work on it over the weekend.  Problem set day will be this monday."
--Brad Goodner, Immunology Professor--

So, the first quote I found very entertaining.  Thanks to the complaints of Miss Stanley about being told not to memorize an equation, anyone who did memorize the equation for the last quiz got extra credit on it. . . and I would be one of those people.  So good times in physics, actually.  But the second quote almost gave me a nervous breakdown.  

You see, I have a Neuroscience test on monday, the same day my thesis statement and original annotated bibliography for the presentation in Neuro is due.  I also have to keep up in physics.  I get back from Georgia this sunday, in the afternoon, and I doubt I'll want to do work as soon as I get to Hiram.  So basically I'll be spending my sunday evening studying and preparing for Neuro.  A problem set in immunology could easily take two days to complete.  After adding this up in my head, my brain just overloaded, and I wanted to cry.  Because I don't even HAVE the time to work on the problem set beforehand.  I'll have to go in and act like I looked over things, which I hate.  There are tons of underclassmen in that class, and they all have time to do all the reading and homework. . . and it sucks because I can't participate as much as I like because lately I've had to wake up early and try to cram in an hour of reading for the class each MWF--that's about the only time for it.  Ok, so I take time up doing things like writing this weblog, but if I didn't I'd have broken down alot earlier.  And tonight I needed to look up articles for the Neuro presentation, Do my physics pre-lab.  Print the profiles of the faculty I'm visiting in Georgia, and also driving directions for the Canton Akron Airport. . . 

Then I find out that the Canton-Akron airport is really an hour away. . .I always thought it was like, 40 minutes.  And I realized my flight departs at 2:47, which means it will board at about 2:30 . . . and I can't get out of Hiram before noon.  Ok, so it's not so bad.  I'll leave at noon, get there around 1:00 and that leaves an hour and some minutes to go through security and all.  And I already have my tickets so I could conceivably go through security and check in at the gate.  . . it's really not so bad.   Really.  

But to sum it all up, I've been stressing and freaking out all day.  It's silly, because I'm actually only missing one day of class a week.  But I'm also missing a thursday afternoon, thursday evening, friday evening, all of saturday, and part of sunday--when I could be getting all this work done at a more leisurely pace.  BLAH.  

So I've been rather non-congenial for me all day.  Been hyper sometimes, othertimes near crying, and even a littling sniffling here and there.  I'm tired.  I haven't gotten a week for some time where I could just breathe easy.  Not that there's much else I could be doing. . .it's just that the stress is getting to me and I just want to have fun this last semester.  I've been a jerk today too.  Dave and Sam kept asking me what I wanted to do, what time, whether or not we should go to lunch, who would come to lunch, would Dave come with us to the airport?  And I know they just wanted to know what's up, and I know that it's my responsibilty to get this organized.  But I'm so tired.  And if I get even a little upset and give up decision making, I come off sounding like I don't want people's help or I am mad or something.  I just want to give up sometimes.  

So tomorrow is another Amber at the airport day.  I'm actually REALLY looking forward to the visiting U of Georgia.  It looks like a great college town and the micro department looks equally great.  My post-doc Cheryl told me they've recruited a really talented group this year. . . I'm going to get intimidated I know it.  Oh well.  What the heck am I gonna wear this time?  

Well, I got my eight hours of sleep last night, so maybe things will feel better after another good night's sleep.  Last night I dreamt I was in a room with Tom Bardwell, and I didn't have any clothes on and he was asking me if I thought the other guy in the room was cute.  I think my brain cooked this up because before I went to sleep I saw that Dave was talking to Tom on AIM.  Stupid brain.  I hardly ever dream of fun things, or at least situations where being naked is fun.  And whatever other "fun" things happen in my dreams, I'm usually too busy telling myself I'll get in trouble or I shouldn't do that or some other crap like that, instead of just enjoying them.  It's just as frustrating as my driving dreams, which usally end with me crashing or my car falling apart, or me waking up and realizing I've been using Dave's feet for gas and brake pedals.  But I guess I shouldn't complain, since Sam's dreams are more bizzare than mine and Dave usually dreams of mundane stuff.  I'll take my futuristic-train-riding-alien-hunting-girl-on-girl-action-Velociraptor-invasion-taking-care-of-sea-monkeys dreams and be happy with them.  Ok?  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/18/2003 10:26:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><a href="http://www.intellectualwhores.com/ladderintro.html"></a><b>Three hours of sleep</b>

Ok, I already put in an entry about how I've gotten very little sleep and I feel like walking death, but my damn touchpad ghosted out on me and hit the back button the browswer, and I lost the whole thing.  Bugger.  

On the bright side, I have lavender-space-sneakers on today.  Aren't new shoes grand?  I bought these little shoes back in the fall during my decadent shoe shopping spree.  They are like sprint shoes (aka lightly built with little arch support), and clad in the color lavender easter dresses were made for.  The best part, though, is the bright purple metallic stripe on each side.  They are so cute, that I am affirmed of how girly I actually am.  Cute, cute, cute.  Unfortunately, they are giving me blisters, but fortunately I have this cool stuff called "Moleskin" that Dr. Scholl's sells which prevents further blister formation--I bought this stuff for Malaysia and I'm still using it!  So in the end, I get to have cute shoes and wear them too.  

I'm so tired that I'm totally working that "I can't spell, think, or even see correctly" look.  

You know, I checked out a website a little while' back about male-female interactions, called <a href="http://www.intellectualwhores.com/ladderintro.html">The Ladder</a>.    It's full of psuedoscience and is all-around pretty hilarious, but with just a slight bit of possible truth in it.  If you wanna read it, go for it.  I think I only have one ladder, seriously, and I'm a girl.  And if that's the case, it might explain why the only really close girl friends I have are cute ones.   

Today in Neuroscience (I stayed up all night doing the lab-write up for this), we were investigating the sense of taste.  This ruled, as I am a big fan of that sense and so I got to spend hours swabbing my tongue with cotton swabs rolled in kosher salt, or sugar, or pickle juice, or coffee. . . and then we had to dye our tongues blue to check out the little nodules on them and compare.  I don't have tons of those, although they are mainly concentrated at the very tip.  Ever stare at your tongue dyed blue in the mirror?  Great stuff on not-enough sleep :)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/16/2003 02:28:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Chicago, and All That Jazz</b>

Ok, ok, couldn’t resist the musical reference.  I am warning you ahead of time that this entry is MAMMOTH in proportions, because it covers approximately THREE action-packed days.  I’m going to partition them into little chapters—a format inspired by reading “The Headhunters of Borneo” many years ago, so maybe you can read a little, come back, and not have lost your place so much.  So, let’s get this started!

<b>The arrival of Alice.  A Trip to the Airport.  Theories on life, travel, and Chicago. </b>
          By early Thursday afternoon, I had showered, polished, dried, and dressed myself for the big trip to Chicago.  Skeletor was fed and watered; the recycling had been taken out.  I even picked up my tickets for Georgia next week.  So I took myself, complete with purse and carry-on-sized suitcase, to the lounge to wait for Alice, who arrived around 12:30PM.  I’d already had lunch with Dave earlier, and it being Campus Day we had been served by faculty.  But I had also promised Alice lunch, and happily went again.  Going anywhere on campus with Alice is a lesson in celebrity.  EVERYONE seems to know Alice!  It’s a lot of fun, because she’s here to FOR ME, so I get a piece of the fame, yeah.  We have a delicious lunch: I get veggie chicken nuggets and ketchup, and we both got some very interesting strawberry yogurt that looked homemade. <br> 
          And then we’re off!  Ok, so we stopped at Starbucks first, because despite that fact that I’m already beyond hyper because it’s airplane day and Alice day all at once, I still want the caffeine.  Addicted once again.  We giggle, because maybe we both look like young professional adults, which at least Alice may be, and I’m masquerading as for the trip.  I got a delicious Mocha with Valencia orange syrup in it. . . . a combination I had not tried till then.  I mean, mint & chocolate or peanut butter & chocolate? Those make sense, but oranges didn’t seem to.  But I found, from the very first sip, that I had a whole new culinary love affair on my hands. . Or at least in my cup.  Alice and I had lots of time to talk on the drive up.  What about?  Girl stuff, wanting sharky cars and liking rap with lots of cursing in it, grad school stipends . . . I like that Alice kept me focused and organized, getting me to sum up my thoughts on Loyola so far: I’m not that impressed, not sure I’ll like it at all, but I need the practice and who knows?<br>
          The airport!  We make it there with no problems, find my ticket counter with no problems, and I claim my ticket itself with no problems.  How’s that for nice?  We managed to locate a nice sitting lounge, blocked off on one side with velvet ropes and strangely unoccupied.  This is the airport we used to go to Malaysia, and I’m having lots of flashbacks.  When the fire alarm goes off, and nobody seems to react, we wonder if we’re the only ones hearing it?  Oh man, what if I’m in a different reality altogether?  Alice, being also part of the weird-thought continuum, says it’s ok, as I can probably still get on the plane, so I’m cool with it, and soon the firemen in the silver suits come running through the gates to take care of whatever what happening.  Exciting times at the airport.  It’s funny, there are a lot of stories and weird twilight zone shows that center around traveling and alternate realities. I admit to her that my only impressions of Chicago have been formed by two key movies: “The Blues Brothers” and “Adventures in Babysitting.”  So yeah, this is pretty much what I’m going on.  Oh, and of course the musical “Chicago” and the TV series “ER.” . . ..<br>

<b>The departure of Alice.  Amber removes her boots.  The trip begins.</b>
          Before I know it, it’s time to go.  I’m a lot calmer than I was when I got up this morning, maybe because of the coffee, maybe because of Alice.  I’m thankful either way.  Hugs, and off I go to join the large lines at the security checkpoint.  
          For whatever reason, travelers are required to take off any shoes that aren’t sneakers so that they can go through the x-ray machine.  It’s hard to manage luggage, a coat, a purse, a ticket & ID, and try to zip my boots back on at the same time.  I almost forget to pick my ID and ticket back up.  Whoops?  
          I have no trouble finding my gate (this part is so easy), and don’t have to sit long before its time to board.  Because I’m flying southwest, I soon confront the notion of no assigned seating on a plane.  It’s kind of like being on the school bus again?  I find a seat waaay back, and a place in the overhead compartment for my rolling carry-on.  ROCK.  It’s a full flight, and people boarding later aren’t so lucky.  It’s also a short flight, so we’re landing again before I know it.  <br>

<b>Flight of the Navigata’</b>
          Oooh, so for about 20 minutes during the flight and as I’m walking to “Baggage Claim, Ground Transport: Limos and Taxi’s” I’m trying to memorize my hotel name and location.  I want everything to go smoothly—no getting flustered and telling my driver the wrong name or something like that, ending up lost in Chicago. . . .. Ah!  I walk, and walk, brisk steps and a smooth-rolling carry-on behind me.  Yeah, I’m a professional!  I find the taxi line, and as soon as I get there I’m being called to get into a taxi.  No time to think.  I sit in the back right?  My driver and I exchange hellos, and I tell him I want to get to the Hampton Inn in Westchester. 
          “Westchesta?  You do realize, mam, that that’s a meter and a half?”  He tells me, and of course I have no idea what this means, and I have to admit it, so my façade is ruined.  I tell him it’s ok though.  <br>
          “Well, can you read a map?”<br>

          And it is then I realize I’m in for a whole new adventure.<br>

         So he hands me a large map, a direction booklet with verbal directions to Westchester, and finally an atlas with a closer view of our target area.  Something you may not realize is that every street and road in Chicago has more than one name, so first I have to overcome the confusion of looking for the same road under two different names.  But soon we’re on our way.  Every once and awhile, he’ll yell back “Ohh-K NavigatOR!  Where to next?”  Thankfully I’m actually really awesome with maps.  At the age of 11 I extracted my mother from the downtown mess of D.C. didn’t you know?  So Mr. Driver and I, the Navigator, chat a bit about where I’m going and what I’m doing.  He even asks me what my sign is.  When I tell him Leo, he gets really excited because he’s a leo too.  “Leos are real MILD.” he said “And they don’t like B.S.”  I’ve gotta agree with him there.  When I ask how he knows so much about astrology, he tells me that he does sometimes when “The Power of the Lord is upon him.”  This rules.  <br>
         Together, we find the Hampton Inn in Westchester, and he tells me that on a scale of 1 to 10 he’ll give me a 10.  I of course have to pay him meter charge + a half, since he legally can’t pick up anyone in the suburbs.  I give him a tip because it’s actually been a lot of fun, and I’m getting reimbursed anyway.  <I>Trip to Hampton Inn with Elderly Astrology fanatic?  Not priceless, but 50 bucks.</I>   <br>
         I get settled, order takeout from an Italian place, meet my roomie Jennifer who’s a lot of fun—it’s damn exciting to meet someone else as excited about microbes as myself.  She hasn’t even heard from U of Wisconsin yet though.  She’s from the Chicago area, so her dad brought her in.  We read up on the faculty from Loyola, and get to sleep at a decent hour.  . . <br>

<b>Arriving at Loyola.  Interviews, tours, and good advice. </b><br>

          We have a shuttle take us to Loyola, at 8AM.  The whole complex is bleak and hospitally-looking, which makes sense since Loyola’s Immunology and Microbiology Department is associated with the Stricht School of Medicine.  Jennifer and I are early so we get to wait in the office, wait in the meeting room, eat breakfast and chat with the grad students assigned to us.  Jennifer greats hers like an old friend, and I soon find out that they ARE old friends, so I’m instantly jealous.  My grad student, Gina, is very nice, but right now I’m already overloaded with thoughts, and have trouble asking questions or anything.  The third “prospective” arrives: a quiet Chinese student who smiles a lot and looks a bit confused.  Soon two professors arrive, one of which is Karen Visick, who also works on that lovely squid bacterium <I>Vibrio fischeri</I>.  The other, Tom Gallagher, talks to us about the program.  The main points will be repeated often throughout the day: “Loyola has a very strong program, which focuses on good research and also learning to communicate and present information well.”  Off to my first of ten half-hour interviews for the day.  <br>
          My first interview is with Dr. Diaz, who is from . . .somewhere in South America?  He talks fast and soft, with the Latin accent going on, and I have trouble understanding him at times.  But we talk about his research, my research, living in Chicago.  I soon discover that these interviews aren’t really interrogations, so much as “getting to knoooow you” sorts of things.  I’d go through all the interviews one by one, but that would take forever.  The point is, there were ten of them: five before lunch, five after the department weekly seminar and our campus tour.  All and all, they are a lot of fun, but by the end of the day I’m so tired of explaining “Why I want to go to grad school” and “What I plan to do after grad school” and “Why did I choose Loyola.”  But in all fairness I’m sure they are tired of highlighting the “Strengths and Weaknesses” of the program, which I like asking every time—I get lots of different answers for weaknesses.  The top three for that were: <br>
1.	Not enough post-doc’s in the lab (which isn’t so bad, since it increases interaction directly between faculty and students)
2.	Most really excellent students pass Loyola up for a big name school (which makes me a little guilty, strangely, but I do not succumb to it fully, as they are trying to sell me something here).  
3.	It’s a smoke-free campus <br>
The last comment was from one post-doc I got to interview, who was tons of fun but obviously big on the smoking, as I recognized the slightly stale smell immediately.  But he was totally cool.  Other folks commented he’d been in the lab waaay too long, and I don’t know if I liked that sentiment.  There were a couple moments of weirdness like that.  The secretary told us, after lunch, two what-not-to-do stories about past grad students.  One had fallen asleep after the lights had gone down for the weekly seminar.  The other had brought his girlfriend with him to the interview process.  I could understand the first one: if you can’t pay attention now, you’ve got problems.  But I thought it was kindof mean, as a person with a significant other, to hear them react so shocked that someone would bring their girlfriend with them.  Ok, so he probably shouldn’t have kept her sitting in the office all day, but I was uneasy with how quickly they judged him personally instead of professionally.  . ..anyway.  . .<br>

I really liked the faculty.  They were all fascinating and interesting and doing super-cool research.  I had a really great interview with one professor about insecurity and success in the world of research.  He had asked me if he was correct in thinking I wanted to run a lab of my own some day.  I was baffled, because I didn’t think I wanted that, since it’s an entirely stressful job. . . although you do get to be in charge and be respected. . .hmmm. I told him I didn’t know if I had enough self-confidence for it.  He then asked me that, if I could completely detach any emotions from my research, if I could just do what needed to be done and not worry about it, would I want to be a researcher?  And of course I would.  So that left me with a lot to chew on.  It all did.  Because most people seemed genuinely impressed with me, excited by my responses to questions, and quick to tell me not to be so hard on myself.  And that was the best part, I think.  <br>

<b>Dinner and a Movie</b><br>

          So, apparently, after they put you through the wringer in the interview process, the department takes you out to a swank dinner on their account.  We had two faculty members with us, one of which was the aforementioned best interviewer, and the other was the quirky and quiet Dr. Gallagher.  Then there were three grad students: Dave,  Brian?, and Mica.  I cannot remember the one guy’s name. . .damn.  They were really hilarious, and I talked with the guys a lot about video games and the Dave Chappelle show and stuff.  Finally, my socialization skills pay off.  They always ask what grad schools I’m visiting besides here, and when I mention U of Wisconsin, one of them gets excited.  “You mean, they’ve accepted you already, without even an interview?!”  I nod solemnly.  “Well, I guess we all know where YOU’RE going!”  Ok ok, so this was a bit uncomfortable.  But he gushes about how great Wisconsin is, how beautiful the campus is, how fantastic the micro department is, until someone has to reel him back in, reminding him that Wisconsin can afford its own advertising. . .. We had beer & cheese fondue, and many other appetizers.  The two professors are equally hilarious, as they discuss that Amstel Light is an “easy beer to drink” citing that it doesn’t fight back or anything. . .they’re weird a great.  After they left, I had salmon on a cedar plank and Yukon gold potatoes.  MMMMM.  And Ginger Crème Brulee for dessert.  Ahhhhhh.  Combined with any number of diet cokes, you’d need to roll me out of there.  <br>

          Much later, we “recruits” meet up with some more grad students & med students, to go see “Daredevil.”  When we arrive at the gigantic multiplex theatre, we discover it is sold out, so we see “The Recruit” instead.  Happily, this turned out to be a very enjoyable movie. . .which makes you really wish you were cool enough to be in the CIA.  That, and Colin Farrel is admittedly really, really cute.  Ok, I said it.  I’d definitely rent it someday.  <br>

<b> The Journey Home</b>     
          Eventually, we get back to the hotel (around 2AM) and I pass out till 6:30AM, when I call the taxi service to arrange a ride at 8AM.  Take a shower, pack everything up quietly: Jennifer is still asleep.  Wait for my ride, which arrives at 8:05AM.  He’s a medium-build, medium-age Indian man, who informs me “Today I drive for a beautiful lady!”
          Ok, so I’ve gotten four hours of sleep after 12 hours of interviewing and it’s 8AM. . .I find it hard to believe but smile anyway.  He informs me that he is from India, and that he has been here in America for 10 years.  I am now beginning to discover that taxi drivers will talk to you if you talk back, and this is bad since I’m tired, but polite.  We discuss politics, or rather he does and I nod and agree.  We get to the airport fine. . .and I have a loooong amount of time before I’m supposed to leave, so I end up buying a fashion magazine and living it up mindlessly despite my disturbingly increasing headache.  Board the plane, arrive in Cleveland.  Carrie and Company are there to great me at the security checkpoint, and I am so glad to see them!  We make it home, listening to one of Carrie’s radio show tapes—it’s good because I’m too tired to really talk much.  When we get back, I ignore my heaps of e-mails and go find Dave, then fall asleep till dinner.  
          I find myself hesitant to ask Dave to come to see “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” with me because I’m afraid he’ll say no.  But he reads my brainwaves and we both go!  It was a wonderful, wonderful freaking movie, and it sparks a long chat between us about meeting eachother’s families and other happy stuff like that.  <br>

<b>Well. . . </b>
         Ok, so here’s my evaluation.  Loyola has an awesome set of faculty, a strong program, and excellent standards for research.  But it’s small, the building is BEYOND dreary and I have no idea if I like Chicago or not, or if I’d want to live near that big a city yet.  I’m really eager to check out the other two, because then I can see how the compare.  For now, I’m stuck just wondering . . . .
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/13/2003 01:15:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Amber, pre-Chicago</b>

Ok, so obviously it's late at night.  But what's wrong with that?  I mean, it's Campus Day tomorrow!  I should be able to sleep in and roll around and do nothing and. . .oh wait. . . I can't do any of that because tomorrow is Amber-in-an-airplane day.  In case you somehow didn't hear me mention it before, I'm headed out on my first Grad school visit to Loyola University of Chicago's Immunology Department.  I'm excited and at the same time not thrilled because I'll have alot of schoolwork to catch up on, and also I'm admittedly nervous.  

I mean, I should be asleep already.  Because I need to go to bed at a decent hour thursday night to wake up bright and early Friday for my interviewing/touring which begins at 8:30AM, and I'm told will last till 8PM.  When I read that part of my info packet, I just put my hands to my face and began chanting "Oh fuck me.  Oh fuck me.  oh goddamn it. . . ."  

Maybe it wont' be so bad.  I mean seriously, I've been through worse.  I'll get free food.  I interview very well--although it's my mom who tells me this and of course you know how moms are.  But I think I'll be ok.  My biggest fear is not having any questions to ask.  It sounds silly, but asking questions shows inquisitiveness, interest, and a flexible mind.  And I am always so busy trying to process everything, that I don't even want to add more information.  And this is the main reason I'm visiting Loyola: I need to learn what questions I'll want to ask.  I don't think I want to go there, but I do need the practice for Georgia and Wisconsin.  I mean, it's hard to know what you'll want to know about a program until you're already in one. . . .

Ok, so I'm partially scared to death to be doing this.  Going to Chicago for the first time, riding in a taxi ride for the first time, interviewing at a grad school for the first time. . .  OH hell.  

I've also been doing my ritualistic "confront the fact your plane might crash" behaviour.  Happens every time I get ready to fly.  The night before, I do something to give me closure.  I've hidden notes that would be found only if I was "really gone,"  I've left journal entries behind. . .. Ok, so I'm not afraid of dying itself.  I'm afraid of leaving things without closure (although mainly I don't want to die anytime soon because things are just starting to get really good).  So I told Dave I loved him, because it always bugs me when people cry about how they "never said I love you." So that's said and done.  Find this silly yet?  I'm embarassed.  But my whole family knows that I love them, or at least they better.  Sam: you're the best friend ever.  Sprite: never sent you a thank-you card or anything, but thanks!!! Alice rules, as do all the other people I'd list but probably forget someone and then I'd feel bad.  I think that's it for now!  

To be Continued. . ..

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/11/2003 06:02:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>My moment of zen for the day: 
<i>Most of the people I know come up to me personally to congratulate me on my brilliance. Therefore they 
find it unnecessary to send me an email response.</i>

If you've been as entertained by the current mass e-mail debacle as I have been, you'll know where that quote came from.  Ok, so be forewarned I'm going to rant about it.  

You know what annoys me?  A person who chooses to refute another person's statement by calling them uneducated (a label, in this particular case, based on whether or not you have knowledge of "A Modest Proposal" and whatever other literary works the person chooses as examples). 

1.  I'm not impressed, not at all, and I didn't send an e-mail because I didn't see why I should.  If I disagreed with you, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't hear me out on it.  After all, I'm just part of the "world" which, let me guess, "just doesn't understand you."  I will say that I once had a decent opinion of you--it takes guts to dress like that on campus.  

2.  I'm pissed, because you give intelligent people a bad image.  I'm so tired of intellectuals trying constantly to box themselves off into some group seperate from the "uneducated masses:"  We're special, really!  I've read James Joyce!  I've read Plato!  Haha! silly plebian, you haven't read any of these, but I'll base my arguments on them so you cannot argue back!    

The fact is, you dress in clothes that make you appear a pariah.  You claim that people don't listen to you; when people get mad at you, you can just claim they can't possibly understand you, that they're silly little blockheads.  You don't listen to people who are different from you, people who may have quite excellent ideas but come from a different background.  You, my friend, are a fucking snob.  Ironic isn't it?  And I can't stand snobbery.  There is no excuse for it.    

You know what?  I don't know Cody all that well.  He was in my Psych 101 class and I know that he is named for the place in Wyoming where he was conceived.  That's it.  So yes, I'm passing judgement on someone I don't know.  And I'm not really pissed.  I just can't stand to have that e-mail be the last word.  Frankly, the whole thing was really hilarious.  I mean, it was someone arguing that the other person is wrong to say what they did because they're DUMB.  Don't dress it up in references and too many paragraphs.  Just say it.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/11/2003 02:19:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> Mwhahahahaaaa!  Completely unfreflective and consumerist entry</b>

After perusing Julie's Journal, I had to take some quizzes.  . . .

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/M/MorgaineDax/1039046041_nmoodycopy.jpg" border="0" alt="Ah, Moody Aragorn."><br>Moody Aragorn
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/MorgaineDax/quizzes/What%20Lord%20of%20the%20Rings%20Male%20and%20Mood%20Do%20You%20Desire%3F/"> <font size="-1">What Lord of the Rings Male and Mood Do You Desire?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>

Ok, see, like every other LOTR girl on the face fo the earth, Legolas makes me feel funny :)  But on every quiz it's pretty obvious which answers would give you him, so there you go.  And honestly, I think Strider is way more attractive than "I don't wanna be king of you people" Aragorn.  If. .somehow that's possible.

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/K/kamui/1044156510_esfrogfood.gif" border="0" alt="i know it is old frog food"><br>You take things as they come and you're not a<br>complainer, which is a good thing only if<br>you're a big eater of stale flies.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/kamui/quizzes/What%20Lord%20of%20the%20Rings%20engrish%20subtitle%20are%20you%3F/"> <font size="-1">What Lord of the Rings engrish subtitle are you?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>

This is a hilarious quiz. Take it now.


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/R/rancidmuffins/1041122843_izclarissa.jpg" border="0" alt="Clarissa"><br>Clarissa Explains it All. Little brothers piss you<br>off and your best friend climbs up a ladder...
But of course that's not weird to you because<br>you're Clarissa Darling
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/rancidmuffins/quizzes/What's%20Your%2090's%20Nickelodeon%20Show%3F/"> <font size="-1">What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


Looking at the month of February, seeing that it's basically eaten up with work and grad school visits, I decided to think about what I would do at the end of this run of hellish amounts of work and responsiblity (that run doesn't actually end till March does.)  

When I've decided on a grad school, and finished my APEX, I swear that I will do the following: 
1. Drink a tremendous amount of beer.  At least, a tremendous amount for *me*
2.  Walk the three mile square when it's warm and raining (did it last year, gotta do it again).
3.  Spend a Saturday morning playing in the library.
4.  Rescue my plants from the greenhouse, where I left them over the summer.  
5.  GET TO MENTOR MALL ONE LAST TIME . . .ok ok, I miss it.  
6.  Stick my feet in the fountain, because every year I swear I'll play in the fountain and then I never do.  
7.  Get my camera out and use it, for posterity's sake.  


Then I thought. . .what if I suddenly gots heaps of cash?  Ahh, the dreams of an American. . .

I'd buy:
CD's
-Cibo Matto, "Viva La Woman"
-VAST, "VAST"
-Nerf Herder "American Cheese"
-Zeromancer, "Eurotrash"

DVD's
Insomniac with Dave Atell (uncensored version)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Seasons 2 and 3 (JOY!)
Milo and Otis, as I'm a sucker for tiger-stripe kittens and pug puppies

Clothing
New tall boots. . .I'm pretty sure mine are dying
SPRING CLOTHES and SHOES!  Cotton!  Pastels!  

Ok, so I'd probably want a car too.  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/10/2003 11:42:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Don't worry, mondays still suck</b>

Gotta make a couple of shout-outs today:

To my physics professor: Sorry, I have trouble believing you when, after being forced to memorize 5 chapters worth of equations for the test,  you tell us that the test wasn't about memorizing equations, it was about understanding concepts.  If you meant understanding the concept of academic treachery, you would be correct.  

To the infamous Cody: It's really great that you masturbate all the time.  And telling the entire campus about how often you do it in a mass e-mail?  Brilliant.  I mean, wow, I am now convinced that you are *so* edgy and open-minded.  Not that I could ever possibly understand your life/existence, as I can't afford your wardrobe, and I'm really bad at acting detached. Oh well! I'm sure you helped out those two girls who were just trying to get a date on valentine's day. . .  

Seriously though: I'm all for a more open approach to sexuality in the public arena.  But man, I think you're scaring people.  You'll ruin it for the rest of us.  Oh, and please stop wearing the nipple shirts.  I know a person such as myself saying you shouldn't do it will only reinforce your behavior, but I can't really take much of it anymore.  But thanks for letting everyone know which shower stall to avoid.  

I've got too much stuff to do.  I have to have it mostly done by Thursday.  Gettin' a little crazy.  I had a dream that an authority figure said I was gonna get a paddling. . . and I said "I don't believe you.  Bring it on."  Sam dreamed of an orgy in Miller Dining Hall, although we all agreed that if the food is any indication, it would be a pretty scary orgy.  Dave said he finally finished a dream, the heroines kissed and everything!  I guess Valentine's Day must be coming!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/09/2003 04:13:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Let the craziness begin. . .</b>

Ok, first, although I doubt anyone but me is thinking "aaaah!  I can't comment!"  Just wanted to say that a server ate itself on Enetation, the site which is kindly and without cost providing me with the option to comment.  I'm a little frustrated, because there's something aggrevating about being told "user does not exist."  But not a big deal, and it's supposed to be fixed soon.  

So, being that it's sunday, I've gone to planning out the week ahead (since it's hard to work on the weekend, this the the best, most worthwhile endeavor I can accomplish).  So what's happening this week in Amberland?  
1.  Obtain new student ID, since mine is obviously lost in an abyss, or The Abyss . . . .
2.  Make sure my professors know I'm not gonna be here on Friday, and make sure I have my homeworks all in order.  
3.  Check with Alice about a ride to the airport, try to figure out what to do about a ride back.  Basically get that settled
4.  Get my funds in order to be able to pay cab fares in Chicago (apparently 35-55$ each way)  Is this even plus tip?  
5.  GO TO LOYOLA AND DON'T DIE FROM DEATH OR EMBARASSMENT.
6.  Attempt not to get bummed that I'll be spending V-day far away and interviewing.  Dave and I are both so freaking busy, this is starting to suck.  

So that's it.  Doesn't seem *so* bad.  Just alot of stuff.  And I really would like that spring break that every person my age, at least on TV, appears to be going on.  I'll be at Hiram, working on my APEX.  woo.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/09/2003 03:37:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>NNNnnngggh. . . too. . .early. . in the morning. ... </b>

Been a while since I saw 4AM.  So here I am.  Long story.

First off, didn't get ANY work done for school.  Thought I would, but just couldn't do it.  I did get alot done for WHRM, which was having its open house this evening, complete with rockin' band "Highball"

But I digress.  

First came the IF dinner, which was pretty tasty, but I have to admit not as tasty in some years past.  Dave, sweet Dave sat through all of it even though he barely ate a thing.  He sure can be a nice thing! *sigh*

Dave went back to Henry to do some work, and I went to the IF variety show, which was pretty fabulous, although 50% of it was women in exotic costumes shaking their hips alot--I'm not complaining about this.  I was gonna ask Cari (who I was sitting with) if she could pick me up next week on Saturday from the airport since Alice cannot pick me up, but I forgot.  Also realized that I had lost my ID, probably in the KC dining area when my sweater fell off the chair.  Not what I needed to have happen, since I'm low on cash and can't even hope to get my card replaced till Monday anyway.  

Oh well, fast forward to the WHRM open house.  At first nobody was there.  Then a few people.  Then alot of people.  The event went terrifically well, and "Highball" was a delightfully awesome band, playing a good mix of originals and covers.  There was music, tons of people playing pool and listening, and food.  It was something I wish happened more often at Hiram.  I feel like I've not learned much in the way socializing and entertainment here in the wasteland.  I only wish it didn't go till 4 in the morning. . .

The evening reminded me of alot of things.  First off that I'm a gossip, and when I fall in with other gossipers, trouble begins.  Secondly, Judy and Sarah are like predatory animals when they are around boys.  I was almost intimidated but at the same time thinking "girls, you need to chill.  Stop eating things off eachothers stomachs."  I also learned that I really like bands.  I like how they joke to one another, and silly stuff like that.  I think it's cause Dad was in a band when I was very little, and sometimes the sound guy would babysit me during their sets, so I am told.  I wish I played drums or guitar or something.  Finally, I got hit on a little bit whilst at the concert.  Nothing sleazy or unsettling, just guys saying silly things like " 'Amber'. . that's a beautiful name." *gag*  or just asking about my future having just met me.  Anyway, I talked to some of them for a while, and I'd reach this point where I'd go: "Man, I wish Dave was here."  

Sorry, you thought this was going to be a non-mushy entry perhaps?  Well, I'll try to be good.  . . . but first I'll go to sleep.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/08/2003 10:08:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Random Shit that can only mean It's Saturday</b>

Friday was one of those got-a-million-things-to-do days.  Really not that bad though, I mean, I had a physics test (yuck), but I don't think I failed it, and right now that's all I care about.  We'll be starting on light and photons and stuff, and I think I'll like that better.  Otherwise, I had to hand in my abstract for my APEX.  Holding that paper in my hands made me feel a little funny.  It's like HERE IS THE CULMINATION OF ALL YOUR WORK. . . in 200 words or less.  I mean, this is the senior seminar I've been dreaming about and dreading for 3 years.  Oh well.  Turned it in, got a digital photo taken, so apparently all of this will be posted on the web.  

Anyway, unfortunately due to being a girl I fell under the weather by late afternoon.  It really does suck to work hard all week, make it to the weekend, get all showered and dolled up with a whole friday night ahead of you AND THEN feel so sick you just wanna curl up in a little ball and whimper pathetically.  YUCK.  Couldn't even really drink beer happily.  But I DID get to watch Clone High on MTV, and that was pretty worth it.  If you haven't seen it, the basic premise is a highschool made up of clones of historical figures.  To sum up the show: Abe Lincoln was attempting to date Cleopatra.  Ghandi had Attention Deficit Disorder, and everyone thought it was contagious. Ghandi was kicked off the Solid Ghandi Dancers.  Joan of Arc was hearing voices in her head, finally, and when to talk to Jesus Christos (who was in shop class, btw) for advice.  JFK was throwing dead gophers in the girls' locker room.  Lincoln and Ghandi made out for a good minute (in full 360 degrees complete with lip sounds) to raise awareness about ADD, and how it isn't contagious.  Awesomely quoteable show:

"Who would have ever dreamed that Lincoln would ditch Ghandi?"

Although the prize goes to Ceasar (apparently teaching shop class):
"Jesus, be careful with that nail gun . . . "

So here I am, it's Saturday.  I've got a voicemail from a lady at Loyola who's telling me she can't send my airline tickets to a P.O. Box and that she needs a street address.  Sounds pretty lame to me.  I mean, c'mon. . I'm a college student.  I have NO street address.  I live in a dorm for goodness sake.  Oh well, I e-mailed her (I am NOT long-distance calling these people) my dorm room address, and hopefully that will work.  It freaking better.  Otherwise they can just forget it.

finally, I've got several lines of songs running through my head, all from Outkast.  So I'll type them here and they might leave me alone!

<i>I love who you are
I love who you ain't
you're SO Anne FRANK
Let's hit the attic to hide out for about two weeks. . .

Ain't no body dope as me
I'm just so fresh and
                             so fresh and so clean!
Don't you think I'm so sex-y?
I'm just so fresh and
                             so fresh and so clean!

We aaarrreeee
       The coolest mother fuckas on the planet
My Myyyyyyy
       The sky is fallin' ain't no need to panic
oh-ooooo-ooooooo
       I got a stick and want yo automatic
oooo-ooooooooooo
       Compatible created-in-the-attic</i>


Ok, and number two:
<i>
Don't pull the finga, unless you plan to bang
     BOMBS OVER BAGHDAD!!
Don't even bang unless you plan to hit somethang
     BOMBS OVER BAGHDAD!!!</i><br>
Ok! whew!  I feel better.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/05/2003 10:08:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Let's hear it for the Library</b>

I love the library.  It's a long term relationship that started back when I just barely could read.  Our local library had a kid's section, and in that section was a kid-sized wooden train.  The engine had a seat you could sit on, and the wheels worked.  So you could drive your little train between the short bookshelves, and load up your cars with every single book that even slightly appealed to you.  Before we could leave, Dad would always make me sort through my considerable haul of books to pick out no more than five books that I actually wanted and would read.  . . he was a smart guy.  

Library buildings, by themselves, are typically great buildings to wander around.  Tons of annexes and aisles and stacks to scuttle about.  I love the Hiram library, not just because it is aesthetically pleasing, but also because there are all these little study rooms that you wouldn't even know were there, if you weren't looking for them.  I've a couple hideaways on the 3rd floor, where I lock myself up and force the brain to do homework.  The 4th floor has that lovely, lofty reading room near the Fiction section.  Having only been to the Organic Chemistry section of the 2nd floor before, I was amazed to discover last week that there was a whole other set of rooms on there--even more pleasant places to study.  So tonight I tried out a new spot: a study area on the 2nd floor which overlooks the front of the building (favorite orientation), had nice diffuse lighting, and a big portrait of a women in a gold dress watching bluebirds fly around in a green garden.  Sooo nice, and there I completed my physics lab and physics problems for the week.  Excellent.

The last, perhaps most wonderous thing about a library, is that you can just wander around and pick up books that catch your eye.  You can flip through the pages and get a little snippet of info.  It's kindof like beachcombing. . . only of course with less sand and oceany-nesss.  Sometimes you find something really wonderful, without even trying.  And here's what I found today, in "The Medieval Underworld" by Andrew McCrall.  It's the observations of the writer Imad ad-Din about the women who followed the crusaders across the seas to offer themselves as prostitutes for support: 

<i>'They arrived,' Imad continues, 'after consecrating their persons as if to works of peity and offered and prostituted the most chaste and precious among them.  They said that they had set out with the intention of consecrating their charms, that they did not intend to refuse themselves to bachelors, and they maintained that they could make themselves acceptable to God by no better sacrifice than this' Hoping to win approval from their Maker, ' they set themselves each with a tent erected for her use, together with other lovely young girls of their age, and opened the gates of pleasure.  They dedicated as holy offering what they kept between their thighs; they were openly licenstious and devoted themselves to relaxation; they removed every obstacle of making themselves free offerings.  They were permitted territory for forbidden acts, they offered themselves to the lances' blows and humiliated themselves to their lovers.'</i>

I was just amazed to read about this.  Ok, it's amazing that the men of the crusades had a bevvy of prostitutes with them (in the book Imad mentions seeing 300 European women arrive by boat.  But what really got me was trying to imagine what it must have been like.  I wonder who organized these ladies?  Who had the idea first?  But even this stuff isn't really the heart of the matter: 

What is so amazing, to me, is to hear an account of European women treating prostitution as an act of support and devotion to a cause.  Imad describes them as showing pride and piety while commiting forbidden acts.  What I love about this passage is that these women turn the idea of chastity on its head, showing their devotion by making open offerings of themselves.  Admittedly, this isn't something altogether new.  Although I'm not well-versed in many world cultures, I am aware that there are places of worship where sex is/was sacred.  But Europeans, typically, never seemed too keen on mixing the two publicly.  

Well, it just leaves me a little breathless, and happy.  I mean, I'm sure it wasn't all love and roses and crosses on buxom ladies.  I am still baffled as to how they all got there, avoided derision and abuse, and all in a foreign land. . . .but it gives me a happy, peaceful feeling to read about women without shame.  History strikes again :)  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/04/2003 08:04:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Some extra random things, none of which are porn (sorry) </b>

Man, I'll write and write if it means not doing homework!  Anyway, I now bring you FEET!!!!!!

<img src="http://members.aol.com/stphs99/myhomepage/footsies.jpg?mtbrand=AOL_US">


Back story: While playing  Mario Kart at friend Steph's house (back in WV) we (Myself, Jonah-bug, Justin, and Dave K) took a picture of  our feet.  We did this because Steph thinks feet are gross, and because she left us alone in the basement with a camera.  Can you guess which feet are mine?  Don't answer that.  . . . Anyway, just wanted to share this with the world.  Now not only are my face and belly on the internet, but so are my feet!  I'm freakin' famous!
<a href="http://bbspot.com/News/2003/01/os_quiz.php">
<img src="http://www.bbspot.com/Images/News_Features/2003/01/os_quiz/amiga.jpg" width="300" height="90">

<br>
Yay!  our family used to have one of these.  And Dad is always pretty much saying the same thing about them. . .<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/04/2003 02:05:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>You might call  this "spring cleaning". . .</b>

If, in fact, it was Spring.  Which is obviously isn't.  BAH.  Today it was snowing pellets, little particles not unlike bits of styrofoam packing, or even hail.  Damn.  

In my head, it is a well established fact that no real work can get done after lunch.  The only work that can occur is that which one gets paid for, and also work that is not practical or useful.  So today I call your attention to my re-vamped links section.  I've dropped Kat's link (since apparently you need a password to read it (according to Sprite)and she never provided me or some of you with it.)  I've also added Andy, Sean, and Cari, so please partake of this new convenience!  

Sitting at lunch today, I though alot about why some people bug me now, as opposed to in years past.  I mean, maybe I'm just getting older and crankier.  Maybe I'm just goddamn tired and want some peace without having to listen to people impress eachother with their knowledge of "the english language."  Or maybe I have just finally let myself not like some people.  I used to think that I should like everyone if possible, as long as they were nice to me.  Because what did they ever do to me?  I know it sucks to be unliked.  I've been there, many many times.  But I'm just sooo freaking tired of hearing people talk out of their ass with a tone that says "aren't I smart?  We know soo much more than the cool people."  

It's the main distinction I've been able to make to eliminate the ramblings of Sam, Dave, Ben, James, myself, and many others from this category: that when we talk about weird shit, nobody is getting high off the idea that we are SOOO clever.  I don't find them annoying.  And I don't find EVERYONE annoying.  It's just that. . . it's really tiring.  I LOVE being weird.  I like talking about weird ass stuff, like why and how Sam might take over France, and why he would do better to take over some South American country instead.  So if anyone get's pissed, I'd just like to say that NO, you will not categorize me as unsympathetic of the need to be weird.  Some people have got to learn that you don't have to dress strangely or profess how "creative" you are or anything to really be weird.  Oh, and just because you talk about sex loudly and often doesn't mean that the quiet kid in the corner is less kinky than you.  

For shit's sake, I am not about to become part of somebody else's little show to get more friends.  Constantly, I am reminded that if I want to hang out with some people, I'd have to pay the toll with some apparently requisite attention-giving that some folks require.  And I'm just not for that.  Frankly, I'm not sure why so many people put up with it.  Well, I know why I do.  Because I'm too tired and busy to start shit.  And deep down, am I being a hypocrite?  Probably.  But I really don't care :)  The fact is, I get depressed that there aren't more people that are just weird and funny; I get depressed that there aren't more people I'd want as friends.  

But I'm so thankful to have the friends I do have.  You folks have such low tolerances for B.S., that I envy the hell out of you.  

In other news: I'm sleepy.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/03/2003 10:55:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ahhhh, rain :) </b>

Sweet jesus, I forgot how nice it was to have precipitation other than snow.  Now I can really pretend it's spring, at least for a little while.  It's a very potent combination: senioritis and spring fever and cabin fever.  Every day I want it to be spring, and be warm and humid again.  At the very least, it would make my skin and sinuses happier.  . . Also, inevitbaly I crave being able to wear spring clothes again.  I'm a girl, yeah.  And I hate socks.  

Today, despite past performance, my brain was totally efficient and sharp for the entire school day.  What?  A Neuroscience test?  No problem.  I started studying at 6PM yesterday and by 1:15PM today I was ready to rock.  And I got to have one of those moments of "ultimate test-taking clarity."  It's were you look at the questions on the test, and you realize you can correctly answer every one of them.  And you think to yourself "Man, I wish I wouldn't have studied so hard."

I wish ALL tests could be like that.

Anyway, I got everything done I set out to do, with minimum panic.  And I got some offers for rides from Cari and Alice, and also managed to get Sam to agree to take me to the airport for my visit to Georgia.  I'm going to e-mail my parents to see if they want to come visit over spring break and pick me up, so conceivably I could have all but one trip to the airport taken care of.  Maybe :)  At least I'll be able to sleep better tonight not worrying about it.  

Can I get back to senioritis?  well, I guess so since it's my blog.  So far I've avoided the "I don't want to work anymore" mentality pretty decently.  I mean sure, I feel that way too.  But last spring semester I was completely adrift by the end of the 12 week, so I feel some need to prove myself this time around.  Stupid, I know :)  The worst part for me has been the fact that I'm so tired of school in general.  I'm so tired of getting annoyed by people.  I'm so tired of getting sick from eating Miller food.  I'm so tired of having nothing fun to look forward to doing practically ever, because there's no where I can go that doesn't require a car.  And once again, I miss spring.  Because spring is when you can go walk around everywhere and be pleasant and comfortable.  It smells so good.  Really, it's just a vital, sexy time of year and february isn't.  Until Easter, it's all dead and dried and static.  BLAAAAH!!!!

How come I don't have some crazy spring break planned?
Is anyone going to the IF dinner?<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/02/2003 11:04:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> Why I hate Hiram, and not having a car </b>

It costs 40 bucks to arrange a ride to the airport.  I have to make 3 trips (back and forth) to the airport.  That makes. . .oh. . .240 bucks?  Money that I severely don't have.  So now it's kindness of strangers time . . . and back to being a mooch.  If anyone knows anyone who is free on thursday afternoons and the weekend. . .shit.  I hate this!!!! grrr!!!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/02/2003 08:11:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> Sometimes, it rules to be a geeky scientist </b>

Whilst trying to memorize brain structures for my neuro test on monday (and trying not to despair that Brad gave us a heap of questions for tomorrow. . .at approximately 9PM today), I found these, and wanted to share :)  They are from the <a href="http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/cart.html">Neuroscience for Kids Page</a><img src = "http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/gif/incart.gif">




<img src = "http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/gif/sheeptk.gif">
<img src = "http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/gif/vertfly.gif">

YAY!  OH! and now on a more serious note:


<b>More on February's</b>

I wrote this paragraph to Alice, and I thought, what the heck, I'd like to put it here too:

<i>I'm not sure why February's are so awful all around.  It definitely, in part, has to do with the weather--which admittedly isn't very good.  But I think more to the point is its location in the calendar year.  The holiday season is so fast and jubilant and crazy that its there and gone before you know it.  Then the new year sets in, and folks have done their introspection and resolutions and begin looking for ways to change in the new year.  And maybe February is that first open stretch, where you get to give your new self a test run.  But it's also so desperately far from spring that it's hard to have hope about anything.  There doesn't ever seem to be a way out of February.  And so this is my dissertation of why it sucks.  There's no hope in this month.  And also Valentine's Day is lame.  </i>
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 2/02/2003 12:11:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b> Saturday?</b>

well heck, some saturday I had!  Following a theme set strongly by Dave's day, I spent a good deal of it getting work done.  I remember almost crying the first weekend of my junior year, when suddenly I had to work on the weekends. . . .BAH.  Now it's just a fact of life, but still very unpleasant to deal with. 

However, I got a goodly amount of sleep and woke up ready to watch Buffy at 9:45 AM.  It was well worth it.  

Lunch was all by myself, as was working at WHRM all afternoon, doing real work and then setting up my powerpoint for my APEX presentation (March 23rd.  The date is set!).  I actually enjoy playing with Powerpoint, so it was legitimately fun.  After dinner I was back there again to make sure things went ok for Kelly and Cari--they were broadcasting during the pool tournament, and Cari had the impressive task of trying to pick out music for that crowd.  I think things went well!  Just as I was getting ready to leave, it occurred to me that there was a radio station being run by two ex's of James, together.  Man, I'd be nervous if I were him :)  although they don't mention him.  It's just. . . .it's "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" in splendid action.  You chicks are cool.

I came home and did more work.  Geesh, this is almost even boring to type about.  Got to snuggle some with Dave, which is always good.  But he's really busy, obviously.  and I'm busy. . . and I'm thinking I'm getting to stressed, because now even things like food and sleep don't really bring me much joy.  In fact, ALL things I usually crave in life are just. . .gone.  It's weird.  I just don't have anything to wish for.  Not so bad.  But also a little disturbing.  Oh well.  Such is the life of a college student.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/31/2003 08:41:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Friday?</b>

When the hell did that happen?  Oh well . . . if you read Dave's weblog, you'd know he got a hefty amount of sleep.  I got back at around 9:30PM and he was ALREADY ASLEEP.  BaH.  It was weird to go back to my room again, and try to keep myself occupied for 2.5 hours.  Yeah, I know how silly it sounds.  I'm well aware that if I spend my evenings outside of Dave and Sam's room, I somehow have alot more time and can do things like: clean my part of the room.  So I cleaned like my mom with a purpose, and managed to get to bed at a decent hour (decent means midnight).  I dreamt of all kinds of crazy shit, like a giant gecko-t-rex that was crashing through parts of my hometown (mainly Glen Dale) and trying to eat a Keanu Reeves look-a-like who was looking for some chick named Lorie.  I also saw Kid Rock's car in my dream.  I visited a Dairy/Brewery Plant, operated some equipment. . . bought some icecream.  So there you go.  Another night in the brain of Amber. 

So what does my weekend look like?  mainly more of the same from the week: read, do physics problems, go to Jiu jitsu, contemplate how close my grad school visitations are, and how soon all the crazy nostaglic anniversaries begin.  BUT I am going to try to get up early tomorrow and watch some episodes of Buffy (NEW SEASON!) in the morning.  It will be like Saturday Morning Cartoons only . . .. ok, not going to go into it.  I also have all of my comics updating typically on the weekend (IF Keenspace doesn't flip out again).  So hey, it's not so bad.  

I am trying to remember to buy tickets for the IF dinner.  If anyone else wants to go let me know, because it would be better to go with folks.  If it's just Dave and myself we might get surrounded by weirdos!  If we're lucky :)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/29/2003 11:30:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>I felt like posting but couldn't think of anything profound. . . </b>

Yeah.  

1)  My physics class is horrible.  I leave the lectures more confused than I would be by just reading the damn book.  Alas, attendance counts. . .

2)  I am now officially spending 3 fridays visiting graduate schools.  Chicago Loyola wants my sweet science skills as well.  I'm not psyched about them, since I have to ride in a taxi for the first time ever (IN CHICAGO) and also they haven't been extremely personable so far.  But they are actually affiliated with a med school, so they are probably used to getting their way.  So I'm motivated to go and be totally cool, since I've got excellent offers elsewheres.  I pray I survive my journeys, and like at least one of the schools.  Preferrably Uwisconsin: land of beer, cheese, and hippies?

3)Nick has totally revamped his site.  I recommend looking at it.  The link is, as always, on the side bar.  Wait until the bubbles settle down on the screen before you click!

4)Am I the only one who thinks men's ankles are rather sexy?  Probably :)

5)Unnerving story of the day: My friend/associate Nicole told us today that while she was tutoring a third grader, the child suddenly stopped and began drawing a line that looked alot like an EEG.  The peaks in the line rose and fell, perfectly . . .  uniformly.  As he did this his eyes went blank and he began whispering "They don't know.  See.  They don't know.  They don't know.  They don't know."  And when Nicole asked the obvious question "who doesn't know?" he answered:

"they don't know." and drew a little saucer with a ladderlike-beam projecting out of it.  


Kinda creepy, no?  I felt like I was in the beginning of an x-files episode.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/28/2003 03:28:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div>well kiss me on the lips and call me suzie (ok, that's lame but my brain typed it before i could stop it).  I think I got the comment thing settled, although all of these providers that don't use php seem to be a little buggy. . . .. . but so far so good!  I love the internet! 

Ambiguous statement of the day: I am a perfect gentlelady ;)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/28/2003 02:14:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Jealous</b>

I'm really jealous of everyone with their sexy blogs that allow comments.  See, it would be great if blogger provided a comment option . . .then people could yell at me and I could feel justified at yelling back at them. . .because it's my page, damnit!  (stomps foot).  I've been sifting through some various scripts--my ability to cut and paste other people's hard work is exactly what has made half this page even possible. . . .but if anyone has an recommendations, I'll be glad to hear em'.  

OH  But please do note my semi-sexy dropdown menu for my archives--say goodbye to that hideous, monolithic column of dates!
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/27/2003 11:06:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Circle in the Sand</b>

Oh dear lord, please excuse the hokey title.  Want to think even less of it?  Well it's actually the title of a Belinda Carlisle song that I really loved when I was little.  Circle in the sand. .. round and round.  . . .

Sundown all around
Walking through the summer's end
Waves crash baby, don't look back
I won't walk away again

Oh, baby, anywhere you go,
We are bound together
I begin, baby, where you end

HAH!  I bet you didn't think I'd burst into song for a second entry in a row ;)  I apologize, I'm getting ready to go bed and the sweet release of Extra Strength Tylenol is spreading out over my poor head.  I had a horrible headache, I think a migraine, since all the lights were too bright and my eye felt like popping out of my head.  BAH.  I've just got songs on the brain, since last time.  I find it especially cool that this song title came rather randomly out of my head, and here it is applicable to my life.   Although, it's a love song, and in general a good love song applies to just about everyone.  

Man, I like circles.  I'm still contemplating getting my tattoo with circle and snake.  It would be based on this: 

<img src = "http://images.amazon.com/images/P/1586635271.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg">

although I'd want the snake a little more symmetrical.  Yeah, I've been thinkin' deep.  I made some progress on a story based upon the weird dream I had where I had escaped from a institution housing war refugees.  It's of course very much more science fiction, and I'm trying not to borrow alot from "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood (a really fantastic book, btw).  Thought alot about how, deep down, we're all made of four base pairs, and even deeper down we're all protons, neutrons, and electrons. . .too many science courses. . . 

I wanted to get off my chest that I'm getting ready to celebrate the full circle of a strange year started in February.  Man, I feel totally dumb to continually bring this up, but hey, this is what is on my mind.  I've been checking my archives to get the timeline right.  See, I've got to feel like I learned something: I'm always walking around thinking about how different a person I am now from a year ago.  I mean, how did the Amber of January 27th feel and think?  She didn't see anything coming, but is that any different from now?  Actually yeah.  I know now that freaking anything's possible.  

And I've learned to stop clinging so damn tightly and blindly to things.  I'm getting less jealous, less self-conscious. . . .I can just relax and love Dave to bits and not fret too much about it.  I mean, I do sometimes, but you have to fret a bit.  You've gotta confront the problems when they are small--which also means you need to recognize problems.  That's alot harder than you'd think.  But the point is, I can almost attain that state where my worries pass through me instead of infecting me.  Very, very nice.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/26/2003 01:45:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Caught by suprise</b>

When you stumble onto a wonderful song, it's a beautiful thing.  You can't really go searching for it.  Well, you can listen to alot of songs, but usually you aren't looking for it when you find it.  

I don't know how other people feel about good songs, but I know, for me, every good song is a new anthem for living, you know?  There's something special about it that gets into the pores of your life, and I know that whenever I hear that song again, sometime in the future, I'll remember that part of life it stood as soundtrack to.  Like, "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd reminds me of my band days in junior high, running around the music room with my friends and singing.  "Selfless, Cold, and Composed" by Ben Folds Five was playing the night on the car radio when I drove around with Evil Scott, and although I despise him, I love the song because it was a nice night when we sang along to the radio together.  Moxy Fruvous and Blood Hound Gang. . . that's freshman year hanging out in Dave and Sam's room in Miller.  "Ahead by Century" by the Tragically Hip?  That's Dave playing with that band he was in early on, in Drury Hall.  I got so mad because the sound wasn't too good and I could barely hear him sing.  . . there's a whole slew of songs that belong in the Dave section.  Then there's all of Linkin Park "Hybrid Theory", which basically I played waaay too much last spring semester.  . . 

Well, maybe the song I just found isn't that sweepingly great.  Heck, not much interesting is going on right now, so it won't have some vivid memory attached to it, likely.  But it makes me happy, and I want to hear it over and over again.  So here's to you, "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" sung by the lovely Rufus Wainright: you've made sunday a better place.  

<i>Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
Which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly . . . </i>


<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/25/2003 12:51:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>In Bad Taste. . .</b>

Do people ever say something that's perfectly reasonable but it disgruntles you anyway?  I'm sitting here thinking: man, that's great to know, but perhaps could you realize that maybe it's in bad taste?  I understand I'm being ambiguous.  I apologize, and Dave don't worry I know you're supposed to let me know when I'm being ambiguous 

Sometimes I lament the fact that my journal is online.  As much as I am exploring being honest and forthright this year, there are still several boundaries of impropriety I hate to cross.  The first: being unecessarily sarcastic or mean.  The second is letting my more vindictive side get reign over the keyboard.  The third is revealing altogether too much information.  So naturally there are SOME things that will just never make it onto this webpage--and if they did they'd be the moment I'm happily settled far away from the politics of Hiram.  

Although maybe one of the best things about online journals is that you get to peek at the thoughts of people you know, and occasionally you might make a cameo in there.  Sometimes you think you're in there but you can't be sure.  It is perfect for fence-sitters like myself.  But it would be rather cowardly of myself to bitch at someone while feeling safe that, while they might know who I was directing it at, they shouldn't feel offended since I MIGHT not be talking about them.  So I will just do the best I can and express how frustrated I am about the whole topic, but in the morning I probably won't give a shit.  

All I can say is that everyone has certain things about themselves of which they are critical.  Sometimes you hold yourself up to a high, perhaps even unfair standard, and when someone else exhibits negligence of this standard, it pisses you off.  

Like me, for example: It drives me NUTS when people cut line or do stupid things like stand in the middle of the utensil rack so that--despite the fact that there are several sets of forks/knives/spoons so that several people can get their utensils at once.  . . we have to wait for the stupid bozo who doesn't take the time to think of other people.  It pisses me off because, for some reason, having an efficient and thoughtful lunchline is important to me.  

Something else that pisses me off is when people who basically don't care about anyone else's problems but their own get huge followings of compatriots.  It pisses me off because I try so hard to be a good person, to be good to other people, to understand where they are coming from.  I get pissed because I don't have to imagine what it's like to have a shitty friend who keeps you around if you're fashionable enough (I've had my fair share in the past).  I hate people who unneccessarily break rules because I work so hard to follow them. . . 
Basically, all of this getting pissed off is because, for me, I've spent 21 years trying to develop a framework of ideals and facts of life.  I like to think that being kind and thoughtful will get your friends--it doesn't always, but I've been lucky.  I like to think that being not an ass will win some portion of respect from my friends and peers--but I am told I should stand up for myself more often.  Of COURSE, when things and people happen to contradict my theories, I get frustrated.  When you like to pretend the world is a certain way, it's always hard to find out it can't be.  But now it's late, I'm waaaay off starting topic, and it's time to go to bed. 
Good Night!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/23/2003 10:54:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Without Caffeine. . . </b>

Thursday is another lab day: Physics at 8:30AM.  This means I need to be up by 7:30AM.  So going to sleep at 1AM or later is a little unwise, especially when your only reason for waking up is getting to a lab where, you pray, the most annoying and mean-spririted girl will NOT want to be your lab partner.  It was a hard morning indeed.  

Luckily, I found someone nice to work with in lab, got done early, and sat around at the Activities Fair in the KC Ballroom, attempting to keep myself entertained and hopefuly not scare off potential biology club members.  I got bored and began asking folks to suggest a new name for the skull we typically bring to our table at any given event.  It's a toss-up between Murray, Vinnie, and Arthur.  I sure hope that skull belonged to a guy. . . Anyway, activities fairs are always entertaining to me, because sometime's you are suprised by who is interested in your club.  Then of course there's always the people who ask what your club does, and after you've finished the full schpiel they say "Oh, well. . . I'm not really into biology. . . " and stand waiting for an answer.  

SERIOUSLY.  What the hell is your problem?  The sign on the table says "BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES."  Save us all some time and effort.  Once again I wonder if this is some botched attempt to get to know me better.  I mean, why else would you do something so dumb? 

We actually got three honest-to-goodness new members, so despite the pitifully low turnout at the event, and the numerous bored and disillusioned club leaders, I left feeling pretty happy.  Murray/Vinnie/Arthur and myself even posed for a picture.  We rule.  

The rest of the day melted into a fatigued blur.  I was just so damn tired, and after working straight through the weekend and week, I just wanted a break.  So I came back, took a nap, moved to Dave's room, continued to nap, woke up and ate a cheeseburger, and motivated myself to bundle up and go work at the library.  But then I realized I left my keys in the room.  I despaired, still sleepy and confused.  Then, after notifiying R.A. Julie, Kat walked by, so I got into the room.  I braved the cold, bought a diet coke, and entered the library.  There I discovered I had lost the file for one of the papers I had to read for Immunology.  I despaired again.  I went back to the computer lab on the first floor (I was studying in the "Lady Room" on 3rd) and low and behold the person at the first computer was looking at the paper.  I persuaded him to give me a copy, and life was good.  The diet coke brought with it life-giving caffeine, and I was alert and psyched to be doing Immunology work.  YAY!

I have been informed James has signed Dave and myself up for a team in the bowling club tournament.  I think we need an awesome name for our team, but all I can think of is my old Quizbowl team name "Snowball's Chance in Hell"  which might be appropriate, since Dave and I aren't exactly awesome at bowling.  . . . <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/21/2003 08:13:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>A pictorial journey through Tuesday</b>

<img src="http://www.d230.org/cs/matiya/Psychology/Biological%20Influences/mvc-005s.jpg">

Wow.  Nothing like getting horrible sleep because you had too much caffeine in your system, waking up waaay to early, and seeing THIS at 8:30 in the morning.  Nope.  Actually, the brain dissection I was so dreading wasn't really so bad.  A brain doesn't have bones or blood or fur on in it, so you can basically pretend it's a giant mushroom or something, and somehow that's less disturbing.  I will not go so far as to say I enjoyed it, but I can say it wasn't entirely unpleasant.  

<img src="http://home.hiram.edu/www/biology/dept/images/dept_09-over.gif"

Meeting with Prudy went just fine.  Should've known it would.  Can you believe she actually said she enjoyed it?  Maybe crazy astrology guy was right and I DO have magic dust.  Anyway, I also found out two very successful biology majors in my department haven't even HEARD from their gradschools yet.  SO I can keep that close to my little heart and grin.  

<img src="http://home.hiram.edu/www/whrm/images/misc/bulletinboard.jpg">

Worked at the radio station.  Didn't get much homework done. . . I had a killer headache.  I think I made my own brain nervous when I showed it me hacking up someone else's.  

Well, then there was dinner, and then there was Jiu Jitsu.  But do you really need pictures for that?  Probably most pictures were unecessary for this entry, but I kindof felt like it.  And besides I needed this format for the last portion of my day:

My brain has been defeated by Identical Twins from Trannsylvania named Gabriela and Monica, who together form the UK pop group "Cheeky Girls."  

<img src="http://www.cheeky-girls.com/images/photo-004.jpg"

I'm giving you the link because I love you all--well, with a few glaring exceptions--and frankly I'm not sure why I'm giving it to you.  My advice is to watch the video and play the game, although either may be too much for you: 

<a href="http://www.cheeky-girls.com/">Cheeky Girls Official Website</a>

Peace be with you, you're gonna need it.  

<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/20/2003 09:46:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>No Vacation, but what are you gonna do?</b>

Ho-hum-ho-hum.  Another day spent getting work done, of sorts.  Wrote a response paper concerning ethics in animal research--hah, I scoff at your request for a two-paragraph, one-page response.  I'm so much more hardcore than that, yo.  Then discovered an old skeleton of a story I wrote last year which was a poor D&D metaphor for my situation.  But it's really entertaining.  I always like when I find something I wrote that I forgot I wrote.  It's pretty close to an out-of-body experience.  Bet you all can't guess what class and race I'd make you!  Eh, you don't want to know.  But tinkered with it some more, thinking maybe someday it would be an actual story worth sharing with someone.  I doubt that very much though.  Oh well!  In the process of finding a good name for my character, I happened upon a <a href="http://www.barrowdowns.com/middleearthname.asp">really cool name generator</a>

So, having taken the quizzes, I know that if I lived in Middle Earth I'd be:
Annúnhiriel who lives in Rivendell--although I'm most like Gandalf and I'm supposed to be a "Annoying Dunlending"

Oh, pray for me.  Tomorrow I meet with Prudy to talk about the results of my research at Hawaii.  It's rather tricky, because most of my time was spent constructing mutants, and I only got to do two actual colonization assays with them.  And to top it off, none of MY mutants had the precise mutation in their amino acid biosynthetic pathway--but the lady I was working with did get one.  I helped her with that one too, but it would've been alot cooler if it had been my personal mutants that I carried from start to finish.  Oh well, it was just the luck of the draw.  Mutations, even when induced, still happen mostly by chance, and I was lucky overall to have gotten as far as I did.  But like I said, pray for me.  

I'm not REALLY worried, because I'm just meeting with Prudy to discuss these results and figure out what I should focus on.  I'd like to draw parallels between the successful mutant that I helped with and my personal mutant that looked like the right thing, but after a difficult procedure (that I performed) proved not to be correct.  That way even though I didn't get exactly what I was looking for, I did see first-hand the importance of confirming your results in more than one fashion, to be sure.  And I still made mutants, they just weren't amino acid auxotrophs (unable to make a specific amino acid).  Ok, enough of this.  I've just got to reassure myself.  Mainly it just stresses me out a bit, because it's one more thing I've gotta do.  On top of physics problems, and reading for two other classes.  

Finally, I have to dissect a sheep's brain in lab tomorrow.  I wish I was excited about it.  But I just don't care much about anatomy.  I like things that most people can't see, I like chemical reactions and shit.  Hence my wanting to be a microbiologist, and not a macro-biologist or a doctor or something.  Man. . . 

Oh! and more finally, I watched "High Fidelity" again tonight, on Comedy Central.  I've gotta re-assert what a great movie this is, although I realized--and this is a typical notsuprising observation--that the book (by Nick Hornsby) is much better than the movie.  But I find the whole movie is really enjoyable, especially if you've been in any number of relationships.  And it's worth it to see John Cusack flip out on several occasions, and once again be in the rain.  And holy crap, what a great message for a relationship movie: that (oh man this is starting to sound old) other people will always be attractive, and you could live your whole life jumping from stone to stone, but in the end it's all the same thing.  They all start off fascinating and wonderful, since you barely know eachother, and compared to the problems, the plateaus, the challenges of a serious relationship, it can seem so preferrable.  Duh, everyone knows that part.  But the thing is, eventually, when you get past the excitement, you're left going "who the heck is this person and what am I doing with them?" and then you leave again.  But sometimes, you meet someone who's still so good even after the new-ness wears away.  And baby, that's a keeper.  Everyone starts off looking shiny and new, so don't feel bad and don't let it deceive you.  In the end, who would you rather be with? This book/movie changed my freaking life.  It's such a freeing concept.  Although I'm still working on it, because I continue to have this fear of becoming boring, running out of things to talk about.  But then again, who doesn't?  
<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/20/2003 12:04:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sunday Evenin'</b>

Once again, the snow catches me by suprise.  I mean, it's bitter cold out tonight, and the snow isn't stopping.  But damn, is it beautiful, and quiet, and soft. . . . I guess my brain's already preparing to leave.  Gotta get my closure in, while I still can.  Yeah, I do think alot about this time last year.  It's inevitable, because I look backwards just as often as I look around and forward.  But this isn't the harping, depressive rant--I don't bring this up to be negative.  I bring it up, because you have to realize that anything can happen.  All the guessing in the all the world will not leave you prepared.  So it's best to put your efforts elsewhere.  Gotta enjoy things and hopefully live as honestly, as relaxed as you can.  

I'm looking forward to spring though.  I can't wait to smell those smells and write new memories on them, over the old ones.  I figure that's how it works.  Life makes you question yourself, but then it gives you the chance to keep going.  

Went to Jiu Jitsu tonight and had a wonderful time, even though we were doing excersizes.  I had my hair cutely tied back, and talked to lots of folks, and felt like I acted like a good, eager person.  It's something I'd like to be.  Can't give up being amazed by scuff marks on the racketball court wall, and I can't give up wanting to be a good person.  

Which brings me to a final topic: geek rage.  I have it.  You know, that thing in your gut that makes you hate cheerleaders and people who wear all Abercrombie & Fitch.  Maybe I'll reflect on this later, but for now I need to get to bed.  Gotta do more work tomorrow, on my day off of course.<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/19/2003 10:46:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Sunday Mornin'</b>

1.  Gingerbread chapstick rules
2.  Showers also rule
3.  Sinuses feeling like they've been spackled with lead . . . not so good
4.  3-day weekend: good
5.  3-day weekend spent doing homework just like any other day of the week: not so good.

Oh well, I think I may have a bit of a bug.  Even when i was having a rousing good time on Friday, I was still tired and slightly sad, which is very likely because of this.  Or maybe I'm just tired.  I don't have a car.  Can't go anywhere exciting.  I don't have enough money left to do any sort of shopping.  Meeting with Prudy every week will keeep me on track for my APEX, but it also keeps me on edge a little all weekend.  I have to show her the results of my work, this tuesday.  It's hard to go back several months and try to remember what all your crazy data and notes mean.  But I did a good job recording it all! <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/18/2003 12:24:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Peace</b>

Was anyone else taught to spell "piece" by remembering that there's a "pie" in "piece"?  

Well, I should cover Thursday first, although in general it was uneventful.  I didn't have any labs, or any classes.  Got up late, went to lunch at Dix with Sam and Dave.  Went to the bank.  Came back and did some verk in the radio station--including getting my plane tickets set up for the journey to Wisconsin.  Went to the library at night and got some more schoolwork done.  And walking back from there was a great moment, because I realized I had done all my homework for the evening.  I could do whatever I wanted.  I also realized that as long as I didn't put anything else on my plate, I'd have plenty of time to do my work, for the rest of the bloomin' semester.  I just felt every muscle in me relax a little.  Once again, I want to thank that lady who gave me the tarot card reading.  "Just because you don't have to work as hard as most people to get things done doesn't mean you should put more on your plate"

Hells yeah. 

I've got to say my favorite part of Hiram's campus still continues to be my favorite.  It's the main campus green, squared off by Hinsdale, Colton, art and music buildings, and Teachout-Price.  I have some of my best thoughts there, because my brain is always zoned out as I'm walking the same path I've walked HUNDREDS of times in all sorts of weather.  Honestly, I'll miss that.  

Friday was a rollercoaster of activities--aka lots of class--straight through till 4PM, when I watched Trading Spaces with Dena and the lounge at large.  Still a weird situation.  Why do I feel this need to be validated by those around me?  I mean, why do I care if they think I'm some sort of vanilla home-maker wannabe watching my decorating show?  If they don't know me for real, it's there loss, right?  I guess because it's alot easier to be secure in who you really are if other people see you as such.  

Alice came to visit!  She pretty much summed up the evening in her livejournal.  Played Cranium--tried to do charades of tofu.  Got Carrie a drink at Extreme so that she could go to sleep early.  Came back, watched <a href="http://www.skumpy.com/eha/">something fantastic</a> which I highly recommend viewing.  

Crashed Dena's Moulin Booze party, which involved cramming into an overmax-capacity room with heaps and heaps of theatre folk.  I wonder, should I  have been hanging out with these folks the whole time?  They're fun, but still, maybe not for me.  I wish I had done more theatre while I was here, but oh well.  

Finally, tracked down Dave to Extreme where he was having goodfun drinking with Chewie and Andy.  I felt like I was crashing an all-guy event, but hey, I heard Dave was looking for me, and I thought maybe he might want help gettin' home.  Besides, my other option was to clean my room :)

Came back, went to sleep, dreamt I was many things, but the best portion of the dream was where I was part of a pack of vampires in an old house.  We were killing innocent folks right and left, getting further and further into the house.  When suddenly I realized that what were were supposed to do was follow this trail of people-candy all the way down into a basement room, where a group of priests was praying and waiting for us--we'd die.  I pretty much felt like I was a character in a movie who just realized that they were in a movie, and decided not to follow the storyline.  I mean, you ever wonder what "Alien" would've been like if they'd kept the face-huggered guy in quarantine?  Or what "Jurassic Park" would've been like if Nedry had picked some other weekend to take out the power?  It was awesome to finally give a movie an alternate ending, even if it wasn't a real movie and it was in my dreams.  I told my pack what was going on, and convinced them to leave and pillage the nearby town instead.  And so we had great fun, and all the little priests were cowering in the dark, in the basement, wondering what happened to us . ... 

mwhahaha!  

Well, today I have to work on my APEX a bits.  I've gotta convince myself I'm looking forward to it :)<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/16/2003 08:38:00 AM

BODY:
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/15/2003 11:51:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Ummm, it was wednesday?</b>

Well, 2nd day of the MWF schedule of classes.  I finally got my books at 9AM this morning--thanks to some amazingly good help from Chris at the busy-ness office.  I spent the two hours before class trying to catch up on my reading and get all my new binders in order.  Ah, the time-honored tradition of getting one's school supplies in order. .. .since kindergarten, I've gotten so much enjoyment from feeling organized and prepared in the realm of paper and folders.  Class was slightly less boring.  Immunology was actually really interesting, as I learned how to sell my plasma for cash, and scored a good answer for why having too few bloodcells is bad; although in all honesty my mom could've answer that one.  Man, I'm a jealous dork.  Our professor has a couple kids in the class he's always adored, and they always ask these obtuse, involved questions, or give the answer I already have in my head, and he's always telling them what excellent questions and perfect answers these things are.  I typically get a "precisely" if I get anything at all.  

I can't tell if I'm just being envious or legitimately wronged in some way.  Did I mention I can't wait to get out of this place?  I just always feel out of the loop on everything in my department.  And I have much respect for my professor, but he seemed to give this one research group the majority of the attention, and so naturally their work flourished.  It's like highschool all over again.  Maybe you know what I'm talking about.  If that girl who's got the same stats as you gets the scholarship, next time around, she's got a scholarship and you don't, so she ends up getting that scholarship and you don't.  And now she has two scholarships and you don't have diddly squat.  Prudy is rooting for me, though, and for that I'm thankful.  As much as I gripe about how hard she is, I still am glad to know her.  

It's just, this place gives you such a weird sense of perspective.  When I went to Hawaii, everyone was so excited to have me there, and Cheryl would tell me what great work I was doing, how I had the hands and the brain to do it.  I felt special.  I felt capable.  But here I don't work in a lab--I never feel like much of anything.  I feel just plain disregarded.  There are these hoardes of seniors and juniors all working in the same lab, and it drives me a little nuts how "in the loop" they all are together.  I feel like they are in some other department, if that makes any sense.  

Man, the thing is, I'm just being insecure.  I need recognition so I can feel like what I'm doing is worth it all.  I almost shamed myself into volunteering to work in Brad's lab, because I felt I owed him for the recommendation, and because I thought it might win me some of that approval from him.  But you know what?  I didn't get it when I was working on the project all by myself.  I came in from a summer at the OSU Plant Biotech department, and got to watch another group's work towards getting published in a year.  Got to see them use all kinds of neat microscopy while I attempted to get one enzyme assay to work.  I don't resent them for it.  They did good work, and they are sharp guys.  But I kept wishing I could've been put on their team.  I had more skills in the lab already than 2 out of the 3 of them did when the started in the lab.  I'm envious, and I feel like maybe nobody really believed I did much at OSU, or just didn't take the time to think about it.  

But hey, it isn't such a sad, dismal situation.  I still have been recognized and accepted by bigger and finer institutions--even got perhaps a bit of excited congratulations from Prudy, which are so hard to come by that goodness it is fantastic to receive.  I've gotta focus on that.  And take any resentment I have and use it to create a fantastic APEX presentation.  I have to ignore all this crap.  In a way, I have to be my own department, running parallel from so many other bio majors.  It makes me sad though, that I don't have any real compatriots among the molecular biologist crew.  I got along really well with the invertebrate folk, the bioethics majors, the education people.  It's a mystery!

whew!  that was a long rant.  But the bottom line is that I'm not working in Brad's lab this semester.  And I'm NOT going to feel bad about it.  Because I have plenty of work to do already, and bigger fish to fry.  And in the end, my life leads elsewhere.

Finally: I just heard that Sean and Maureen are engaged, and that is really happy lovely news!  They seem to bring out the best in one another, and that's really important.  So many congratulations to them if they happen to stumble across this ;)

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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/14/2003 09:32:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Personal Statement</b>

<i>Ok, this it THE THIRD time I've had to compose this message, due to the evils of my touchpad somehow clearing my message each time.  Perhaps this post wasn't meant to be, but I don't really care. </i>

Do you think this might be the year I finally yell at people who piss me off?  Shit, that would be awesome.  No more bitching into my mirror so that I could maintain my politeness.  But there are so many problems with speaking your mind. .  . 

Take, for a hypothetical example, Bob and Joe.  Bob has known Joe for quite some time.  Every time Joe talks, Bob wishes he wouldn't have listened to Joe, because Joe always says something either vapid or offensive to Bob.  Finally, one day, he's had enough.  He gets on his weblog and says "Fuck you Joe, you're a retard."

Bob feels better, having finally just said what he felt.
But Bob looks like a jerk.  His own friends might not even side with him.  They will tell him he's overreacting.  Then Bob begins to wonder: does he have the right to yell at Joe?  Is it worth looking like a fucking jerk?  Is it worth it to piss off all of Joe's friends too?

No, it isn't.  

Oh well, maybe next year. ... 
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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/14/2003 06:50:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Typin' in the early morning</b>

Man, I hate getting up when it's still dark outside.  It just doesn't seem natural.  But I've got an 8:30 lab in the basement of Bates. . .. and considering my apprehension of monkeys and presence of said monkeys in the basement maze of the Pysch building. .. .I must fortify my soul.  And by fortify my soul, I mean buy some diet coke and hope the caffeine makes me ready for a busy busy day.  I also must locate a turtle neck, because there are two reasons I wear such a garment that constricts and covers my neck:

1)Fashion or coldness demands it
2)Suspicious welts have appeared on my neck, and I hate to make up a story or say "yeah, that is the work of my male friend!"

BAH.  I love you honey :)  Seriously.  And I love that you don't like turtlenecks either.  My mom always thinks I look really good in them, but they make me want to gag.  

I now have blue "swag style" lights hanging above my top bunk bed.  It is soooo nice, because they cast this lovely, cool glow on my bed, and it makes me calm and sleepy--which is exactly what a good bed should do.  I feel like I'm in Lothlorien among the elves!  Ok, maybe that's a bit too far for my imagination to regularly stretch, but you get the picture.  

I was just looking over Dave and Adam's journals, and their replies, and it made me think about comraderie among the folks in your major.  I think somehow I missed out on that with biology.  I mean, with my fellow AIBS officers I get that to an extent, with the folks in my invert class too. ... .but none of us hang out outside of organized activities.  But then again, perhaps when I get to grad school this will be different.  In grad school, as far as I can tell, you seem to hang out alot together, although that's usually in the lab, but occasionally you go out for a drink or have picnics (at least in hawaii they had barbecues all the time).  Here's hoping, once again.  Everyone needs friends, and I'd sure like some more bio friends.

Lastly: With the return of Dena comes the hope of reclaiming the Lounge. . ..at least for Trading Spaces.  So far we've got Sean, Maureen, Dena, and myself planning on plopping down at 4PM to watch it today.  I am ready to rock: I miss my decorating show, and apparently I'm not the only one.  Feels good, my friends.  Feels good. . .. 

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AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/13/2003 01:35:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>One day of school, half the power on campus, and maybe a quarter of me cares</b>

Yep, it's the last first day of the semester of my undergraduate career!  Are you tired yet by my continual references to "the last" of everything at Hiram?  In some ways, my brain is.  Like today,  I was walking around to my first classes, no books, no notebooks, and hardly any office supplies, and I heard my brain go "Yeah, you're a pro at first days of class by now--it's no big deal."  And I thought, you silly brain.  It hasn't been a big deal for some time now.  Stop being so obsessive about being a senior!  

But really, there's not much getting around the fact that this is the last spring semester I'll ever see at Hiram.  Fact is, I'm really getting tired of HIram, and it's comforting to know I wont' have to deal with it much longer.  It's so cold, and snowy, and absolutely deserted in the middle of the day . . . YYYYUUUUCK.  And I'll mutter for a moment that almost all my friends are gone.  Honestly, the lounge sucks these days.  I know now how folks that never hung out in the lounge feel.  You really want to hang out in the lounge, but you don't want to put up with some people.  What's worse is that it's really just, like, two people--if they were gone I'd find it tolerable.  But it's gone, it's lost from me forever because of my own intolerance.  I miss having Alice and Nick, and even Sean and Maureen making out on the couch.  Baby, it's all gone.  Nobody's got no class.  *sigh* but what are you gonna do?  That's life. . . 

The big event a hiram today was the lack of 50% of the power on campus.  Every building is missing half its power.  Which means the business office cannot transfer money to my book voucher account, which means I cannot get books.  I cannot use my computer in my room.  People are eating in the dark at Miller and they cut in front of me because apparently they think dark lighting means I won't see them do it.  Fuckers.  I truly hate when people do that.  Nothing is so frustrating as having people ignore your right to food, or think there's is much greater.  BAH.  

Class is ok, so far.  Nothing to get excited about.  

Today I broke in my fantabulous pair of velvety red jeans with a blue wash on them. They almost glow red and blue.  They make me happy :)  As does being able to hang out with el Dave.  He fell a bit ill yesterday, and I was quickly reminded how if he's sad it's hard to be happy sometimes!  I felt bad for the poor guy.  But I think a goodly amount of sleep set him right.  I think he wants out of Hiram too . . . <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/10/2003 11:48:00 PM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Home again, home again.  .. . </b>

Well, it is in fact time to go back to Hiram.  The last hiram-x-mas-break is over.  I survived.  Had an unforgettable New Year's Eve, got some good presents, and some really cute pants.  One more semester to go. . . .

(insert moment of silence)

Yeah.  

Well, actually I'm getting excited to finish it out.  I've got alot of work to undertake, and alot of loose ends to tie up, but then again I also have alot of cool stuff to look forward to, like: 

1)Getting schmoozed by graduate programs and people waaay smarter than myself
2)Shopping for apartments with Dave
3)Probably getting a car of my very own (which means I'll have to remember how to drive).
4)Clubbing with Alice and company--lady we're gonna break hearts!
5)Learning about Quantum realities during the three week
6)Getting severely blitzed during senior week.  
7)Graduation.  Graduation party?  

I'm not even going to list things not to look forward to.  Screw em!  It CAN be better than years past, so I'm going to hope that it will be.  And if not, I'm getting the hell out of Hiram permanently in the end, so I still win.  

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/09/2003 01:58:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>The Buffy Dillema</b>

Well, I finished the last episodes of season one of Buffy. . . it was great, great fun, and in the process I have at least my little sister Liz totally hooked on the show.  And today I saw it, at Wal-mart during a group outing. .. the third season DVD bright and glistening in its shrinkwrap.  Oh I'm in trouble kids.  It would be so grand just to have the second season. . .all 22 episodes.  It even has a performance by Cibo Matto--the crazy musical Japanese duo that sing about cake on Jet Set Radio.  Holy shit, it's A SIGN, I was meant to have this set of DVD's.  But of course I need to be frugal too, so I'm just at the middle point, torn fitfully between buying it and waiting for the price to go down.  At one point, I know it's me being very much a fan.  But don't we all have something like this in our lives?  Something that we cherish and wish to aquire as much as possible of?  Hear me Trekkies and Star Wars fans and Alien-lovers (like myself)!  You are not alone!  
Jonah offered to buy it for me, but I could not accept.  Alas, even Amber the mooch has limits.  Just lets me know I wasn't ever going to be cut out for gold-digging, and there's something I can feel better about, concerning myself.  

I've finally reached the point where if I do not go home soon I'm going to flip out.  Could also be a smidge of PMS, but in general I just can't stand sharing this house anymore, doing the dishes, having mom redecorate the kitchen immediately after dinner.  It's just too much.  We went to Liz's basketball game at my old Junior High: Sherrard Jr. High.  This seemed to mean, for mom, that I should be this little show displaying how amazing and interesting and entertaining it is for me to revisit this building.  

"Amber, do you remember where the bathroom is?"  Of course I do.  I went here for three years of my life, very memorable and of course tainted with the trauma specific to junior high life.  I don't want to remember it.  I hate being there, because it somehow makes me feel young.  Like I never left.  It kindof scares me.  

"AMBER, look, it's your old school!  Do you remember it?" She said with the big nodding grin.  
I couldn't stand it.  "Mom, I really hope you aren't going to do this for very long"

Then of course I got mad at myself.  I love my mom, and god bless her for always being so interested in her kids.  But sometimes it's just too much.  Like whenever she asks if I remember someone:

"Amber, do you remember your Great Grandma Schaefer?"  to which I'll reply no.
"My mother's mother?" she adds, like that question somehow clarifies things.  I of course know which grandmother she was talking about, and for some reason it bugs me that she assumes I don't know.  The fact is, I don't remember her.  And of course, now I feel like I'm supposed to remember.  And at the same time, I just want to wash the dishes, not try to recall things I can't recall.  Like I said, I need to go back to hiram.  

I miss just being me.  I miss being able to just run around and go through my day without parents and siblings and such.  I just want to go about quietly for awhile.  Oh, and maybe not have my sister always borrowing the buffy DVD's without asking.  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>


AUTHOR: Spazmo
DATE: 1/07/2003 12:02:00 AM

BODY:
<div style="clear:both;"></div><b>Magic Dust?</b>

Well, got my O-fficial letter of acceptance from University of Wisconsin.  Frankly, I'm pretty amazed.  They are offering more money than U of Georgia, which was generous to begin with.  I just didn't think I was THAT competitive.  But hey, I've worked my ass off for years (excluding perhaps grade school), and perhaps finally it will all really be worth the hard work.  I don't think it's quite hit me how great it all is.  I mean, I have still have to interview at some places, but my top school--that pillar of microbiology departments, one of the highest rated in the nation--has already accepted me.  I just have to figure out what questions I want to ask, and prepare for some recruitment wooing.  For now, I like Wisconsin the best.  I mean, great program, most money, awesome city full of beer, cheese, thai food, and LIBERALS & PROGRESSIVES A' PLENTY!  I spend alot of time playing house, imagining what it would be like to have an apartment again, only this time I have someone to come home to, and a real job that will pay real money.  I imagine spending time finding a favorite place to drink, instead of praying Extreme won't be too loud or crowded; I dream of getting Thai food as takeout, and watching movies in my very own living room. .. . .  *sigh*

Has anyone seen the commercials where folks explain why they love chocolate?  It's like listening to an AA meeting. . . chocolate is indeed a drug.  

If I ever got really bored, I'd make a bumper sticker that said "If Mary was pro-choice she would have the right to choose to raise the son of God.  Pro-choice does not mean Pro-death.  Jesus would still be here you stupid bible freaks."

Ok, so it's a little long.  It was in response to some lady's bumper sticker which read "If Mary was Pro-choice, there wouldn't be a Christmas."  Which is just incorrect.  If Mary was pro-choice, she would support any woman's right to choose pregnancy or abortion, that's what Pro-choice means.  Besides the fact that it is insulting to assume that the very mother of your savior would abort him if she had the chance. . . 

Ok! done yelling about that!  <div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>